All language subtitles for Juno.2007-

[ drum roll ]

[ rousing orchestral
fanfare playing ]

[ fanfare ends ]

GIRL: It started with a chair.

♪ Once ♪

♪ I loved ♪

♪ And I gave so much love
to this love ♪

♪ It was the world to me ♪

♪ Once ♪

♪ I cried ♪

♪ At the thought
I was foolish and proud ♪

♪ And let you say good-bye ♪

I've wanted this
for a really long time.

I know.

Wizard...

♪ From my infinite sadness
you came... ♪

[ kissing ]

[ barking ]

Geez, Banana,
shut your friggin' gob, okay?!

[ whimpering growls ]

This is the most magnificent
discarded living room set

I've ever seen.

♪ If I was a flower
growing wild and free ♪

♪ All I'd want is you to be
my sweet honeybee ♪

♪ And if I was a tree
growing tall and green ♪

♪ All I'd want is you
to shade me and be my leaves ♪

♪ ♪

♪ If I was a flower
growing wild and free ♪

♪ All I'd want is you to be
my sweet honeybee ♪

♪ And if I was a tree
growing tall and green ♪

♪ All I'd want is you
to shade me and be my leaves ♪

♪ All I want is you,
will you be my bride? ♪

♪ Take me by the hand
and stand by my side? ♪

♪ All I want is you,
will you stay with me? ♪

♪ Hold me in your arms
and sway me like the sea ♪

♪ ♪

♪ If you were a river
and the mountains tall ♪

♪ The rumble of your water
would be my call ♪

♪ If you were the winter,
I know I'd be the snow ♪

♪Just as long as you were with
me when the cold winds blow ♪

♪ All I want is you,
will you be my bride? ♪

♪ Take me by the hand
and stand by my side? ♪

♪ All I want is you,
will you stay with me? ♪

♪ Hold me in your arms
and sway me like the sea ♪

♪ If you were a wink,
I'd be a nod ♪

♪ If you were a seed,
well, I'd be a pod ♪

♪ If you were a floor,
I'd want to be the rug ♪

♪ And if you were a kiss,
I know I'd be a hug ♪

♪ All I want is you,
will you be my bride? ♪

♪ Take me by the hand
and stand by my side ♪

♪ All I want is you,
will you stay with me? ♪

♪ Hold me in your arms
and sway me like the sea ♪

♪ If you were the wood,
I'd be the fire ♪

♪ If you were the love,
I'd be the desire ♪

♪ If you were a castle,
I'd be your moat ♪

♪ And if you were an ocean,
I'd learn to float ♪

♪ All I want is you,
will you be my bride? ♪

♪ Take me by the hand
and stand by my side ♪

♪ All I want is you,
will you stay with me? ♪

♪ Hold me in your arms
and sway me like the sea. ♪

♪ ♪

[ bell jingling ]

Well, well, if it isn't
MacGuff the crime dog.

Back for another test?

I think the first one was defective.

The plus sign looks more like
a division symbol,

so I remain unconvinced.

Third test today, mama bear.

Your Eggo is prego,
no doubt about it.

It's really easy to tell.

Is your nipples real brown?

Yeah, maybe your
little boyfriend's

got mutant sperms;
knocked you up twice.

Silencio, old man!

Look, I just drank my weight
in SunnyD

and I got to go pronto.

Well, you know where
the lavatory is.

And pay for that pee stick
when you're done.

Don't think it's yours
just 'cause you marked it

with your urine.

[ zipper opens ]

[ urinating ]

What's the prognosis,
fertile Myrtle?

Minus or plus?

I don't know.
It's not seasoned yet.

Take some of these.

No, there it is.

God, that little pink
plus sign is so unholy.

That ain't no Etch A Sketch.

This is one doodle that
can't be undid, home skillet.

[ bell jingling, door closes ]

♪ I took the Polaroid
down in my room ♪

♪ I'm pretty sure
you have a new girlfriend ♪

♪ It's not as if
I don't like you ♪

♪ It just makes me sad
whenever I see it ♪

♪ 'Cause I like to be gone
most of the time ♪

♪ And you like to be home
most of the time ♪

♪ If I stay in one place,
I lose my mind ♪

♪ I'm a pretty impossible
lady to be with ♪

♪Joey never met a bike
that he didn't want to ride ♪

♪ And I never met a Toby
that I didn't like ♪

♪ Scotty liked all of the books
that I recommended ♪

♪ Even if he didn't,
I wouldn't be offended ♪

♪ I had a dream that I had
to drive to Madison ♪

♪ To deliver a painting ♪

♪ For some silly reason ♪

♪ I took a wrong turn
and ended up in Michigan... ♪

[ phone rings ]

Yo, yo, yo-giddy, yo.

I'm a suicide risk.

Juno?

No, it's Morgan Freeman.

Do you have any bones
that need collecting?

Only the one in my pants.

[ laughs ]

I'm pregnant.

What?! Honest to blog?

Yeah. Yeah, it's Bleeker's.

It's probably just a food baby.

Did you have a big lunch?

No, this is not a food baby,
all right?

I've taken, like,
three pregnancy tests,

and I am for shiz up the spout.

How did you even generate
enough pee

for three pregnancy tests?

That's amazing.

I don't know. I drank, like,
ten tons of SunnyD.

Anyway, dude,
I'm telling you I'm pregnant,

and you're acting
shockingly cavalier.

Is this for real?
Like, for real for real?

Unfortunately, yes.

Oh, my God!

Oh, shit!

Phuket, Thailand.

There we go.

That was kind of the emotion

that I was searching for
on the first take.

So, are you going to go
to Havenbrook or Women Now?

'Cause you know you need a note
from your parents

for Havenbrook.

Yeah, l-I know, um...
no, I'm going to go to Women Now

just 'cause they help out women now.

Hey, do you want me to call for you?

'Cause I called for Becky last year.

No, I can call myself.

Oh, but I do need your help
with something.

It's, like, critically important.

[ both grunting ]

You know, heavy lifting
can really only help you

at this point.

Seriously.

So you were bored?

That's how this blessed
miracle came to be?

No. No, no.
The act was premeditated.

I mean, the sex,

not the whole, like,
let's-get-pregnant thing.

So, when did you decide

that you were going
to, uh, do Bleeker?

Well, like...

a year ago in Spanish class.

♪ Besame mucho. ♪

You love him.

[ laughs ]

It's... no, it's actually,

it's really complicated, okay?

And I don't feel like talking
about it in my fragile state.

So what was it like
humping Bleek's bony bod?

Magnificent.

♪ 'Cause he gets up
in the morning ♪

♪ And he goes to work at 9:00 ♪

♪ And he comes back home
at 5:30 ♪

♪ Gets the same train
every time ♪

♪ 'Cause his world is built
on punctuality ♪

♪ It never fails ♪

♪ And he's, oh, so good ♪

♪ And he's, oh, so fine ♪

♪ And he's, oh, so healthy
in his body and his mind ♪

♪ He's a well-respected man
about town ♪

♪ Doing the best things
so conservatively. ♪

Hey, Bleek.

Wicked tiger.

He looks proud.

I swiped it
from Miss Ransick's lawn.

Wow, your shorts are, like,
especially gold today.

My mom uses colorsafe bleach.

Go, Carol.

I'll tell her.

When I see them all
running like that

with their things bouncing
around in their shorts,

I always picture them naked
even if I don't want to.

All I see is pork swords.

I'm supposed to be running.

So guess what?

What? I don't know.

I'm pregnant.

What should we do...
about...?

Well, you know, I was just...

I was thinking I'd just
nip it in the bud

before it gets worse.

'Cause they were talking about,
in health class,

how pregnancy, it can often
lead to an infant.

Typically, yeah, yeah.

That's what happens when our
moms and teachers get pregnant.

So you're cool with that then?

Yeah, yeah, Wizard,
I mean, you know, just,

I guess do whatever you think
you should do, you know?

Well, I'm sorry I had sex with you.

I know it wasn't, like, your idea.

Whose idea was it?

I'll see you at school, all right?

Whose idea was it?

♪ ♪

[ indistinct chattering ]

[ book thuds ]

Your book feel apart.

Right.

Must have looked at your face.

[ boys chuckling ]

The funny thing is that Steve
Rendazo secretly wants me.

Jocks like him always want
freaky girls...

girls with horn-rimmed glasses,
and vegan footwear,

and Goth makeup...

Girls who, like, play the cello
and read McSweeney's

and want to be childrens'
librarians when they grow up.

Oh, yeah, jocks totally
eat that shit up.

They just won't admit it
because they're supposed to be

into, like, the perfect
cheerleaders, you know?

Like Leah, who, incidentally,
is into teachers.

Me, too!

I love Woody Allen.

- [ class chattering ]
- All right, all right.

All right, people,

we're doing
chromatography lab today.

So find your partners
and break into groups of four.

Well, there's nothing
like experimenting.

Um, I did

the prep questions for
this lab last night.

So you can just copy
my answers if you...

Oh, I couldn't copy your work.

You copy my work every week.

True. I'm kind of a deadbeat
lab partner, aren't I?

No, I don't mind.

I think you definitely
bring something to the table.

Charisma.

So who's ready

for some chromo-magnificence?

Yeah, I have
a menstrual migraine,

so I can't really look at
bright lights today.

Amanda,
I told you to go

to the infirmary and lie down.

You never listen.

No, Josh, because
I don't take orders,

- not from you and not from any man.
- You've been acting

like this ever since I got back

from visiting my brother in Mankato.

I already told you,
nothing happened.

Well, I'm gonna set
up the apparatus.

Um, Juno, do you want to
plug in the Bunsen burner?

- It's my pleasure.
- I'm going to the infirmary.

Good. Call me when
you get off the rag.

Fine. Call me when you
learn how to love someone

instead of cheat at
your brother's college

just because you had
four Smirnoff Ices

and a bottle of snow peak
peach flavored Boone's.

Good, Amanda,
I'll be sure to do that.

- I'll make a note of it.
- [ scoffs ]

I've actually
heard that

the snow peak peach flavor

is the best flavor of Boone's.

Isn't that right, Bleek?

[ dial tone drones ]

[ keypad beeping ]

[ phone ringing ]

Oprima el numero dos.

[ beeps ]

Hey, yeah, um,

l-I'm just calling to procure
a hasty abortion.

What?

Can you just hold on for a second?

I'm on my hamburger phone.

Y... okay, yeah, now I can...

Yeah, it's just, like,
really awkward to talk on.

Um...

Yeah, yeah, I...

l-I need an abortion.

Sixteen.

I'm gonna say it's been about, um...

two months and four days
since the sex.

Mind you, that's just, like,
a guesstimation.

Sorry, how long have I been what?

Ugh, I hate it when adults use
the term "sexually active. '

What does it even mean?

That I, like, deactivate someday?

Or is this some sort of
permanent state of being?

I guess Bleeker went live
that night we did it, I guess,

and that's why he got
that look on his face.

Should've seen this
octopus furnace at work.

I had to get on my Hazmat suit
just to get into the thing.

My dad used to be in the army,

but now he's just your average
H-VAC specialist.

He and my mom got divorced
when I was, like, five

and she lives on a Havasu
reservation in Arizona

with her new husband
and three replacement kids.

Oh, and she inexplicably
mails me a cactus

every Valentine's Day.

And I'm like,
"Thanks a heap, coyote ugly.

This cactus-gram stings even
worse than your abandonment. '

That's my step mom, Bren.

She's completely
obsessed with dogs,

owns a nail salon

and always smells like
methyl methacrylate.

So, Juno, how was your
little maneuver last night?

Which maneuver, sir?

The one where I move
an entire living room set

from one lawn to the other
or the one where I downed

a 64-ounce blue Slushee
in ten minutes.

Juno,

did you by any chance
barf in my urn?

Mac, you know that nice urn
by the front door,

the one I got up in Stillwater?

Mm-hmm.

There was some blue shit...

I mean, gunk,

stuff in there this morning.

I would never barf
in your urn, Brenda.

I mean, maybe LB did it.

Liberty Bell,
if you put

one more Bac-O on that potato,

I'm gonna kick
your little monkey butt.

[ laughs softly ]

All babies want to get borned.

All babies

want to get borned.

All babies want to get borned.

All...

Hey, Su-Chin.

Oh. Hi, Juno.

How are you?

You know, pretty solid.

Um...

So, did you... did
you write that paper

for Worth's class yet?

No, not yet.

I tried to work on it
a little last night,

but I'm having trouble
concentrating.

Oh, well, I'll sell you some
of my Adderall, if you...

No, thanks.

I'm off pills.

It's a wise choice.

'Cause I knew this girl,

she had this, like,
crazy freak-out

'cause she took too many
behavioral meds at once.

And she just, like,
ripped off her clothes

and dove into the fountain
at Ridgedale mall,

and was like, "Bligh, I'm
a kraken from the sea!"

I heard that was you.

Well, it's good seeing you, Su-Chin.

Your baby probably has
a beating heart, you know.

It can feel pain.

And it has fingernails!

Fingernails? Really?

Welcome to Women Now,
where women are trusted friends.

Please put your hands
where I can see them

and surrender any bombs.

Hey, I'm here for the big show.

Your name, please?

Juno MacGuff.

She thinks
I'm using a fake name,

like Gene Simmons or Mother Teresa.

I need you to fill these out,
both sides,

and don't skip the hairy details.

We need to know about
every score and every sore.

Would you like a free condom?

They're boysenberry.

No, I'm... I'm off sex right now.

My boyfriend uses them
every time we have intercourse.

They make his junk

smell like pie.

[ short laugh ]

[ fingers tapping ]

[ snapping ]

[ fingers tapping, scraping ]

[ loud scratching ]

[ loud tapping,
scratching and scraping ]

[ heart beating ]

All babies want to get borned.

All babies want to...

God appreciates your miracle!

Dude, what are you doing here?

I'm supposed to come
get you at 4:00.

Couldn't do it, Leah.

It smelled like
a dentist's office in there.

And there were these
horrible magazines

with water stains.

And then the friggin'
receptionist

is trying to get me
to take these condoms

that look like grape suckers.

And just babbling away

about her friggin'
boyfriend's pie balls.

Ooh, yum.

Oh, and then Su-Chin was there.
Yeah.

And she was like, "Oh, hi.
Babies have fingernails."

Fingernails.

That's gruesome. Do you
think the baby could all like

scratch your vag
on the way out

and then it would...?

I'm staying pregnant, Leah.

Dude! You got to keep
your voice down, okay?

My mom is inside.

She doesn't know that
we're sexually active.

What does that even mean?

I've been thinking.

I was thinking I could, like,
have this baby

and give it to someone that,
like, totally needs it.

You know, like,
a woman with a bum ovary

or a couple nice lesbos.

But then you're gonna
get, like, huge.

And your chest is gonna milktate.

And you're gonna have to,
like... tell people

that you're pregnant.

Yeah, but maybe they'll,
like, canonize me

for being so selfless.

Or maybe they'll,
like, totally shit

and be really, really mad
and not let you graduate

or go to Cabo for spring break.

I was gonna go to Gettysburg
with Bleeker anyway.

You should look at adoption ads.

I see them all the time
in the PennySaver.

They have ads for parents?

Yeah.

"Desperately seeking spawn"

right next to, like, terriers

and iguanas and used fitness
equipment and stuff.

It's... it's, like, totally legit.

Mm. "Wholesome, spiritually
wealthy couple

have found true love
with each other." Aw.

All that's missing is your bastard.

I want a parakeet.

Juno, you're totally
not even listening to me.

No, I heard you.

I just, like, I don't
want to give the baby

to a family that describes
themselves as "wholesome."

- Why?
- Well, I don't know,

I just want someone
a little more edgier.

Okay, what did you
have in mind exactly?

I was thinking more like...
graphic designer, mid-30s,

you know, with a cool Asian
girlfriend who, like,

dresses awesome and rocks out
on the bass guitar.

But I don't want to be
too particular.

Okay.

Uh, how about this?

"Educated, successful
couple seeking

"infant to join our family of five.

"You will be compensated.

Help us complete
the circle of love."

- Yeesh.
- That sounds great.

They sound like a freakin' cult
is what they sound like.

And, besides, they
already have three kids.

You know, they're just like
greedy little bitches.

Ooh, Juno.

How about this one?

They were Mark
and Vanessa Loring,

and they were beautiful
even in black and white.

[ knock on door ]

Hey, Paul, are you coming
downstairs to eat?

Uh, no, I don't think so.

You ran eight miles today, puppy.

L-I'm not hungry, oddly.

But it's breakfast for supper.

It's your favorite, Paul.

Yeah.

Juno MacGuff called while
you were out running today.

You know how I feel about her.

Yeah, yeah, you mentioned it
a couple times.

She's just...

different.

I know.

So I'm not really sure
how I'm gonna spit this out.

Hon, did you get expelled?

No, the school would most
likely contact you

in the event of my expulsion.

Well, I was just asking.

It seemed plausible.

What, do you need
a large amount of money?

Legal counsel?

I'm not...
I'm not asking for anything.

Except for maybe mercy.

Like, it would be friggin' sweet
if no one hit me.

Well, what have you done, June bug?

Did you hit someone with the Previa?

No.

Dude, I think it's
best to just tell them.

I'm pregnant.

Oh, God.

Yeah, but
I'm gonna

give it up for adoption.

And I already found
the perfect couple.

They're gonna pay for the
medical expenses and everything.

And-and...
what, 30, er, odd weeks,

we can just pretend
that this never happened.

You're pregnant?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

And if it is any consolation,

I have heartburn that is
radiating my kneecaps,

and I haven't taken
a dump since... Wednesday.

Morning.

I didn't even know
you were sexually active.

[ sighs ]

Who is the kid?

The baby? I don't really
know much about it

other than... I mean,
it has fingernails,

- allegedly.
- Nails? Really.

Yeah.

No, I don't, I mean,

who is the father, Juno?

Um...

It's... it's Paulie Bleeker.

Paulie Bleeker?

What?

I didn't think he had it in him.

I know, right?

[ laughing ]

Right. This is no laughing matter.

JUNO: No, it's not.

And you know,
Paulie is actually great

- in, uh...
- Okay.

In chair.

You're thinking about adoption?

Yeah, yeah, and it,
there's this couple

they haven't had, you know,

they've been trying to have
a kid for, like, five years.

We found them
in the PennySaver

next to the exotic birds.

And they have

a legitimate lawyer

and I was gonna go
meet with them next weekend.

June bug, that is

a tough, tough thing to do.

It's probably tougher than
you can understand right now.

Oh, I... I know.

And I... it's just that
I'm not ready to be a mom.

Damn skippy, you're not.

You don't even remember

to give Liberty Bell
her breathing meds.

That was once, and she
did not die, if you recall.

Honey, had
you considered

you know... the alternative?

No.

Well,

you're a little Viking.

[ sighs ]

First things first.

All right, we have
to get you healthy.

You need prenatal vitamins.

Incidentally, they
do incredible things

for your nails, so that's a plus.

Oh, and we need to schedule
a doctor's appointment.

Figure out where
you're going to deliver.

Juno, I'm coming with you
to meet this... adoption couple.

You're just a kid.

I don't want you
to get ripped off

by a couple
of baby-starved wing nuts.

Thanks, Dad.

Boy, I thought you were
the kind of girl

who knew when to say when.

I don't really know
what kind of girl I am.

Whoa.

Just tell it to me straight, Bren.

You think this is my fault?

I think kids get bored
and they have intercourse.

And I think June bug
was a dummy about it, Mac.

I am not ready to be a Pop Pop.

You're not gonna be a Pop Pop.

Somebody else is gonna find
a precious blessing from Jesus

in this garbage dump of a situation.

Did you see that coming
when she sat us down here?

Yeah, but I was hoping she was
expelled or into hard drugs.

That was my first instinct, too,
or a DWI.

Anything but this.

And I'm gonna punch
that Bleeker kid in the wiener

next time I see him.

Mac. Come on.

You know it wasn't his idea.

Yeah.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[ doorbell chimes ]

Hi.

I'm Vanessa.
You must be Juno.

Mr. MacGuff, hi.

Vanessa Loring.

It's, uh, Vanessa, right? Is that...

Thanks for having me
and my irresponsible child

over to your house.

Oh, no, thank you.
Thank you.

Come on in.

Can I take your coat or your hat?

Oh, yeah, sure. Thanks.

Oh, wicked pic in the
PennySaver, by the way.

Super classy,
not like those people

with the fake woods
in the background.

Honestly, who do they
think they're fooling?

You found us in the PennySaver?

Hi. Mark Loring.
I'm the husband.

How you doing?

- Mac MacGuff.
- Nice to meet you. Hi.

This is Gerta Rauss,
our, um, attorney.

[ exaggerated German accent ]:
Gerta Rauss.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

And this, of course, is Juno.

Like the city in Alaska.

No.

No?

Hon? Shall we sit down,
get to know one another?

Well, I thought I'd get some drinks.

What would anyone like?

I have Pellegrino
or vitamin water or...

orange juice with...

I'll have
a Maker's Mark, please. Up.

MAC: She's kidding.

June bug has a wonderful
sense of humor,

just one of her many genetic gifts.

I'll sit down.

So, Juno, first off,
how far along are you?

I'm a junior.

No, I mean, in your pregnancy.

Oh, right.

Um, well, actually my step mom

took me yesterday to the doctor,
and they said I was 12 weeks.

VANESSA:
That's great. That's marvelous.

So you're into your
second trimester.

Uh... yeah.

[ giggles ]

Apparently. I'm due on May fourth.

Great.

My girlfriends tell me

that the first couple of
months are the hardest.

I didn't notice it at all, actually.

Uh, I'm more concerned
about when they have to put

that, like,
elastic band, you know,

in the front of my jeans.

I think pregnancy's beautiful.

Oh, you're lucky it's not you.

Let's talk about
how we're gonna do this thing.

What do you mean,
don't I just

have the thing, squeeze it
on out and hand it over?

Mark and Vanessa are willing
to negotiate an open adoption.

Uh, wait,

what does that mean?

It means they'd send
annual updates, photos,

let Juno know how the baby is doing.

As he, or she, grows up.

Whoa, whoa. No, no, no, no, no.

I don't want photos or
any kind of notification.

You know. I mean...

Can't we just, like,
kick this old school?

You know, like, l-I stick
the baby in a basket

send it your way, like
Moses in the reeds?

Technically, that would
be kicking it Old Testament.

[ laughs ]: Exactly. Right?

Do you know what I mean?

Like in the good old days,
when it was quick and dirty.

Well, then... we all agree?

A traditional closed adoption

would be best for all involved.

Shit. Yes.

Just close 'er on up.

Obviously we

would compensate you
for all your medical expenses.

Are you looking for any other
type of compensation?

Excuse me?

What? No.

No, I don't want to,
you know, sell the thing.

I just... I want...

I just want the baby to be with
people who are gonna love it

and be good parents, you know?

Um...

I mean, l-I'm in high school.

Dude, I'm-I'm just...
I'm ill-equipped.

Well, you're doing a beautiful

and a selfless thing for us.

Vanessa's wanted a baby
ever since we got married.

I want to be a mommy so badly.

- [ laughs ]
- You don't say.

Have you ever felt like you
were just born to do something?

MAC: Yes.

Heating and air-conditioning.

There you go.

I was born to be a mother.

Some of us are.

How about you, Mark?
Are you, uh...

Looking forward to being a dad?

Mmm. Betcha.

Yeah.

Every guy wants to be a father,

wants to coach the soccer team

and help out
with the science fair...

the volcano goes off...
I don't know.

[ laughs ]: Yeah. All that.

VANESSA:
Maybe Gerta could take us through

the preliminary documents
that you've drawn up.

JUNO:
Sweet. Yeah, uh,

could I use the facilities first?

'Cause being pregnant
makes me pee like Seabiscuit.

Sure. The downstairs
bathroom's being retiled,

but if you go upstairs

and then to the right and to the...

Oh, yeah.
The room with the toilet.

Is she all right?

[ laughs softly ]

[ scary growl ]

- Oh! It's you.
- Sorry.

Sorry. I didn't expect
to see you up here.

Just came up to get something.

Did your wife send you up here
to spy on me?

No. What? Do we come off as
paranoid yuppies or something?

Well, I... I stole a squirt
of your wife's perfume.

- Really?
- It's Clinique Happy.

Get a whiff
of those sparklin' top notes.

Oh, yeah. That supposed
to make me feel... happy?

You should feel happy, homes.

I'm giving you and Vanessa
the gift of life...

sweet, screaming, pooping life...

and you don't
even have to be there

- when it comes out all covered in, um...
- Viscera.

Blood and guts.

Uh... Whoa!

Is that a Les Paul?

Yes, it is.

Vanessa gave me my own room
for all my stuff.

She gave you your own room
in... in... in...

in your whole house for your...
for your stuff?

Wow. She's got you
on a long leash there, Mark.

Oh, it's beautiful!

You know, I always loved Gibson
more than Fender. Like, just...

What do you play?

Um... I rock a Harmony.

Oh.

- Is it mahogany?
- Yeah.

And what happens
if you crack the neck?

I mean, that must be,
like, a bitch to...

Tell me about it.
I used to play

in this real tight band when
I lived in Chicago, and this

one night we opened up
for the Melvins,

and I busted that thing
right onstage. It cost me $800

just to get it fixed.

Whoa. So... so when was that?
Was that, like...?

'93.
Best time for rock 'n' roll.

Nuh-uh!

'77! Are you...?

- What?!
- Punk, volume number one!

You're crazy.

You weren't there.

You couldn't understand the magic.

You weren't even alive!

What's that?

It's a Pilates machine.

What do you make with it?

You don't make anything.

It's for exercising.

Yeah, my wife ordered
one of those, uh...

Tony Little "Gazelles" off the TV.

You know, from the guy
with the ponytail?

Guy just doesn't look right to me.

[ guitar strumming,
Mark singing in distance ]

I'll be right back.

Excuse me.

♪... really want to ♪

♪ Really, really want to,
and I do, too ♪

- ♪ I want to be... ♪
- Hi.

Hi.

You're playing music.

Juno wanted a little
closer look at Kimber.

Your guitar is named Kimber?

- Yeah.
- That's cool. My ax is named Roosevelt,

but after Franklin, not Ted.

Franklin... he was the hot one
with the polio?

Yeah. Um... hey, Gerta's downstairs.

We still have...

we still have a lot of stuff
to go over and do.

I got it. I got it.

- You got it?
- Got it.

Not to interrupt
the jam session, but...

Just look these over.

If you have any questions,
call me at my office.

We would really appreciate
if you would just, you know,

keep us updated
on any doctor's appointments

or ultrasounds
or anything of that nature,

- if it's not too much...
- No. Right. For sure.

You want to know how
your kid's a-cookin'. I get it.

You think you're really
going to do this, then?

Yeah. Yeah. No. I...
I like you guys. Yeah.

How sure would you say you are?

Like... Would you say
you're 80% sure,

or 90% sure or...?

I'm going to say
I'm about 104% sure.

Really?

Here you go, sir.

No, seriously, if I could
just have the thing,

and give it to you now,
I totally would.

But I'm guessing
it looks, probably,

like a sea monkey
right now,

and, you know, we should
let it get a...

get a little...
get a little cuter.

- Right?
- Yes.
- That's great.

Keep it in the oven.

I think that's a great idea.

Nice to meet you both.

- You, too.
- Please drive carefully.

- Hopefully, we'll hear from you soon.
- Thank you.

- VANESSA: Thank you.
- All right. You take care.

MARK: All right. Bye-bye.

Hmm?

- Honey...
- [ sympathetic whine ]

Come here.

[ sympathetic whine ]

♪ I'm sticking with you ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm made out of glue ♪

♪ Anything that you might do ♪

♪ I'm gonna do, too... ♪

Hey, man.

Hey, Vijay.
How's it going?

- Did you hear? Juno MacGuff's pregnant.
- Yeah.

- Like our moms and teachers.
- Yeah.

Did you hear it's yours?

Yep.

What a trip, huh?

I don't really know
too much about it.

You should grow a mustache.

I can't.

Me neither.

But I'm going
to stop wearing underpants.

Raise my sperm count.

See ya.

♪ 'Cause I'm made out of glue ♪

♪ Anything that you might do ♪

♪ I'm gonna do, too. ♪

- Juno, hey.
- Hey, Bleek.

Me and some guys are going to
go to the movies after school,

and we're going
to doughnut that flick

with the guy who has 18 kids.

You want to come?

Oh, it... sounds awesome,
but I got my ultrasound.

Oh, really?

Can I, uh...

Should I come, you think?

Aw, you...
you can't waste those...

those doughnut holes there.

I... But maybe I could,
you know, drop by later.

- [ bell ringing ]
- Okay. Cool.

Later, Bleek.

See ya.

I'll save you a seat.

There's your baby.

- Ah!
- Oh!

Oh, my God!

There's a hand.

- Oh!
- Oh!

And an arm.

And there's the feet.

Oh!

Would you look at that?

Whoa! Check out Baby Big Head!

Dude, that thing is freaky looking.

Excuse me...
I am a sacred vessel,

all right? All you've got
in your stomach is Taco Bell.

It's amazing
that there's actually saps

that cry at this.

What? I'm not made of stone.

Well, there you have it.

Would you like to know the sex?

- Yes.
- No.

- Please, Juno. Please!
- No. Definitely no. There's no sex.

Planning to be surprised
when you deliver.

Well, no, I want Mark
and Vanessa to be surprised,

and if you told me,

I'll just, like, ruin everything.

Are Mark and Vanessa
your friends at school?

No, no, no.
They're the adoptive parents.

Oh. Well, thank goodness for that.

What's that supposed to mean?

I just see a lot of teenage
mothers come through here.

It's obviously
a poisonous environment

to raise a baby in.

How do you know that
I'm so poisonous, you know?

Like, what if
these adoptive parents

turn out to be, like,
evil molesters?

Or, like, stage parents?

They could be utterly negligent.

Maybe they'll do a far
shittier job of raising a kid

than my dumbass stepdaughter
ever would.

Have you considered that?

No. I guess not.

Yeah.
What is your job title exactly?

I'm an ultrasound technician, ma'am.

Well, I'm a nail technician,

and I think we both ought
to stick to what we know.

Excuse me?

Oh, you think you're so special

'cause you get
to play picture pages up there?

My five-year-old
daughter

could do that,
and let me tell you,

she's not the brightest bulb
in the tanning bed.

So why don't you go back
to night school in Manteno

and learn a real trade?

Bren, use a dick!

I love it!

♪ Dearest, though you're
the nearest to my heart ♪

♪ Please don't ever ♪

♪ Ever say we'll part ♪

♪ You scold ♪

♪ And you are so bold ♪

♪ Yes, together, yeah ♪

♪ I'm going to treat you right ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm going
to treat you right. ♪

[ doorbell chimes ]

Juno. Wow! I didn't
expect to see you here.

I... I have something
really cool to show you guys.

Is Vanessa here?

Uh... nope.

Actually,
she's working late tonight.

She's trying to accrue
as much time off

as she can before the...

Oh, right. I hear these
are quite the time suck.

Yeah. You want to come on in?

I'm just having a ginseng cooler.

Would you like one?

What is it with
you rich people

and your herb-infused juices?

It's probably
got something to do

with those 44-packs they come in.

They're not bad, though.

Wait a second.
Why aren't you at work?

I work mostly from home.
I'm a composer.

No shit?

Like Johann Brahms or...?

No. More commercial stuff.

Like what?

Commercials.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Have you seen the ads for
the Titanium Power men's deodorant?

Mmm! Uh-huh. Mmm-hmm.

[ heavy metal style ]:
♪ Titanium Power-r-r-r ♪

♪ Get more snatch
by the baa-atch. ♪

Right. Paid for this kitchen.

Whoa!

You're quite the sellout, Mark.

I mean, what would the Melvins say?

Did you say you had
something to show me?

Behold, good sir, your future child.

Hey, look at that.

I think it looks
like my friend Paulie.

Is he also bald and amorphous?

No. He's the dad.

Oh. Wow.

Can you tell
if it's a boy or a girl?

Um... I can't.

The doctor can.

But I kind of want it
to be a surprise.

Well, it can only
go one of two ways.

That's what you think.

I mean,
I drink tons of booze,

so you might end up with one
of those scary neuter babies

that's born without junk.

Junk, huh?

Yeah.
You know, its parts.

- I know what junk is.
- Yeah, right.

We definitely want it
to have some junk. Please.

You don't need
to worry about a thing.

My step mom, Bren, makes me
eat super healthy, you know?

I can't stand
in front of the microwave,

and no red M&Ms...
I hope you're ready.

Ooh. Do you hear that?

What?

This is my favorite song.

This is Sonic Youth doing
"Superstar" by the Carpenters.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know the Carpenters.

Chick drummer, freaky dude
not unlike the White Stripes.

You haven't heard
the Carpenters like this.

Just listen.

♪ Your guitar ♪

- ♪ It sounds so sweet and clear... ♪
- Yeah. Yeah, I like this.

What... what did you say
your favorite band was?

Didn't.
It's a three-way tie between

the Stooges, Patti Smith
and the Runaways.

I am definitely
making you some CDs,

at least while my kid's in there.

♪ Don't you remember you told me
you love me, baby... ♪

The Wizard of Gore?

That is Herschell Gordon Lewis.

- He's the ultimate master of horror.
- [ sputters ]

Please! Dario Argento is so
the ultimate master of horror.

Argento? He's... he's all right.

But Lewis is completely demented.

Okay? We're talking
about buckets of goo.

I mean, there's red corn syrup
all over the place.

There's fake brains
coming out the yin-yang.

Quite frankly,
this looks a little stupid.

Give me the tape.

- [ eerie music playing ]
- [ screaming ]

Ugh... [ laughing ]

This is even better than Suspiria.

What'd I tell you?

Kudos.

You have decent taste
in slasher movies.

Here's to dovetailing interests.

Have you guys thought
of any names for the baby yet?

Uh, sort of, yes.

Vanessa likes Madison for a girl.

Madison?

Wait, hold on.

Isn't that, like, a little... gay?

Wow, pretentious much?

Should everyone just have
a mysterious name like Juno?

No... you see, my dad went
through this huge obsession

with Roman and Greek mythology.

- So he decided to name me after Zeus' wife.
- I got it.

Zeus, like, he had
tons of lays,

but I'm pretty sure Juno
was his only wife.

And she was supposed to be, like,
really beautiful, but really mean.

Like Diana Ross.

That suits you.

Thanks?

You are something else.

Ah...

[ garage door opening
in distance ]

There's Vanessa.
You'd better go.

What? Why?

She hates when I sit around
and I watch movies

and I don't contribute.

No, I'll handle this.

I'm really good at
defusing mom-type rage.

No, no, Juno...

- Hey, seriously...
- Hey, Mark, where are you?!

- I got some stuff...
- Hey, Vanessa.

- Juno. What's going on?
- Oh, nothing.

- What are you doing here? What's wrong?
- I went to the doctor today.

Is something wrong with the baby?

The baby's great.

It's the right size and everything.

I even saw its phalanges today.

Here.

It's a baby.

- Oh...
- It's your baby.

Kind of looks like
it's waving, you know.

Like it's saying...

"Hey, Vanessa, will you be my mom?"

Oh, it kind of does.

Right?

Juno was nice enough to bring
that over for us today.

Yeah, I came as soon

as I got that ultrasound
goo off my pelvis.

It was crazy actually.

My step mom verbally abused
the ultrasound tech

and we got escorted
off the premises.

Wow, what kind of
swag did you score?

MARK: Mall madness, huh?

It's just some stuff I picked up
for the baby.

Don't you usually get all that
stuff at like a baby shower?

'Cause my step mom... she was
pregnant with my little sister

and she got a million gifts,
you know?

But I wasn't jealous,

'cause they all super lame.

I doubt anyone's going
to throw us a shower.

Why wouldn't they throw you
a baby shower?

VANESSA:
I don't think people know...

how to feel about
the situation

because it's...
not set in stone.

What isn't set?

No, no, no, no, no.

You don't think that I'm going
to flake out on you?

No, I don't, Juno.

We went through
a situation before

where it didn't work out.

Yeah, cold feet.

Oh.

You should have gone to China.

You know, 'cause I hear
they give away babies

like free iPods.

You know,

they pretty much just put them
in those T-shirt guns

and shoot them out
at sporting events.

Your parents are probably
wondering where you are.

Nah.
I mean, I'm already pregnant,

so what other kind of shenanigans
could I get into?

Though, I should...
I should probably bounce.

Hey, don't forget your bag.

Oh, bag.

Thank you.

Okay, take care.

[ door opening ]

Where the hell
have you been, June bug?

I just drove to St. Cloud to show
Mark and Vanessa the ultrasound.

I ended up staying
for a couple hours.

A couple hours?!

What are you going over there
in the first place?

Oh, they just... you know,
they wanted to know about the stuff

and I said I'd keep
them updated, so I did.

Well, you could have
mailed it to them.

Why would you drive an hour
out to East Jesus Nowhere?

♪ Mm-mm! ♪
I just did.

You know, and while Mark and I
were waiting for Vanessa,

we, uh, we watched
The Wizard of Gore

and then he burnt me

a couple CDs of this weird music.

So, it was cool.
He's kind of cool.

Juno, you can't just
drop in on them like that.

No, it... it was not a big deal.

He was totally cool with it.

You don't understand.

Mark is a married man.

There are boundaries.

Oh, come on.

Listen, Brenda...

Now you're acting
like you're the one

who has to go through this.

Like you're the one
who has to get huge

and shove a baby out
of your vag for someone else.

And what does it even matter
if he's married?

I can have friends that are married.

It doesn't work that way, kiddo.

You don't know squat about
the dynamics of marriage.

You don't know anything about me.

I know enough.

We don't even have a dog.

Yeah, we don't have a dog

because you're allergic
to their saliva.

I have sacrificed a lot

for you, Juno, and in a
couple years, when you move out,

I'm going to get Weimaraners.

Oh, dream big.

Oh, go fly a kite!

Hey, Juno.

What can I do for you?

Uh, Bleeker home?

Bleeker's mom was possibly
attractive once,

but now she looks like a hobbit.

You know the fat one
that was in The Goonies?

Hey, man.

Don't concentrate so hard.

I think I can smell
your hair a-burnin'.

Hey, what's up?

Not much. I just...
wanted to come say hey.

I mean, I miss like... just
hanging out with you

on school nights, you know.

Orange tic tacs are Bleeker's
one and only vice.

The day I got pregnant,

his mouth tasted really tangy
and delicious.

Boy, you really...

really seem to be getting,
uh, pregnant-er these days.

Yeah.

You know, I set up this
whole private adoption,

and this... this
married couple

in like St. Cloud, they're...
they're going to be the parents.

- So, it's...
- Really?

Yeah.

Wow, what are they like?

Well, I mean, the guy... he's awesome.

His name is Mark and, um...

he likes old
horror movies

and he plays the guitar.

We actually hung out this afternoon.

Is that normal?

Probably not, but...

Listen, I talked

to Dad and Bren and they said they
wouldn't narc you out to your folks, so...

Okay.

I think we should be cool, you know?

That's a relief.

I'm gonna start looking like
a pretty big dork soon.

You still going to think
I'm cute when I'm huge?

I always think you're cute.

I think you're beautiful.

Geez, Bleek.

I do.

Hey, June bug, you know,
when this is all over

we should get the band
back together.

Yeah. I mean, that would be...
that would be awesome.

I mean, once Tino gets
the new drumhead,

we're just, like, ready to rock.

And, I mean, we could...

we could always
get back together, too.

It's an option.

Oh... were we together?

Yeah, we were once, you know...
that... that time.

What about Katrina De Voort?

You could totally go out
with Katrina De Voort.

I don't like Katrina.

She smells like soup.

I mean, have you ever smelled her?

And her whole house
smells like soup.

Okay...

So we have custard and cheesecake.

They're yellow.

Right. I wanted to pick something
that was gender-neutral

until we get the baby
and then we can just add

a more decisive palette.

Why does everybody think
yellow is gender-neutral?

- I don't know any guy with a yellow bedroom.
- It's for babies.

I'm thinking more custard.

Just with this light.

I don't know, maybe I should
I should paint a larger swatch

or just try it on
a different wall...

Or you can wait a few more months.

Like the baby's going
to come storming in here

demanding dessert-colored walls.

What to Expect says
that readying the baby's room

is an important
process for the woman.

Especially if you're adopting.

It's called "nesting."

Nesting?

Yeah.

Are you going to build
a crib out of sticks and spit?

Hmm?

Well, you should read the book.

I flagged the daddy
chapters. They're...

I think it's too early to paint.

That's my opinion.

I disagree.

This wall is going
to need something.

Our first family photo
right in the middle.

Right up there.

Can you see it?

Yum! This pretzel tastes
like a friggin' donut.

Well, share the love, sweetie.

No, you can't have any.

She's assaulting me.

She's denying me
fresh-baked goodness.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

That's her.

That's Vanessa Loring.

Of the PennySaver Lorings?

Dude, she's, like, really pretty.

You sound, like,
totally shocked or something.

She's totally going to, like, steal
that little kid for her collection.

Right? Seriously.

Boring.

Ah...

Oh, I could so go for, like,
a huge cookie right now

with, like, a lamb
kebab simultaneously.

God, spermie, must you always feed?

It's like never ending,
pretty much, you know.

Juno!

- Hi.
- Hi, Juno.

Vanessa, what, what
brings you to the mall today?

I was just shopping, you know,
with my girlfriends, and...

You're gay?

- No.
- Oh, please, just ignore her.

Okay.

Well, how are you feeling?

Great. Everything's
stupendous, you know.

Oh, coming in on that snooze button.

Wow. It's incredible.

Huh. Oh, God.

What?

Kicking... kicking away.

Could... could I feel it?

Are you kidding?

Oh.

God, that's cool.

Everyone's just, like,
grabbing my belly all the time.

It's crazy, but I'm
a legend, you know.

They call me the cautionary whale.

I can't feel anything.

It's not moving for me.

Well, you should try
talking to it,

'cause, like, supposedly
they can hear you

even though it's all, like,
10,000 leagues under the sea.

[ clears throat ]

Hi, baby.

Um...

It's me.

It's... Vanessa.

I can't wait to meet you.

Can you hear me, baby?

Sweet angel?

I felt him!

Oh, God.

That was magical.

[ cooing ]

[ quietly ]: Thank you. Thank you.

[ guitar playing ballad intro ]

♪ Elope with me, Miss Private ♪

♪ And we'll sail
around the world ♪

♪ I will be your Ferdinand
and you my wayward girl ♪

♪ How many nights of talking
in hotel rooms can you take? ♪

♪ How many nights of limping
'round some pagan holidays? ♪

♪ Oh, elope with me in private ♪

♪ And we'll set
something ablaze ♪

♪ A trail for the devil
to erase... ♪

♪ And... if you can't,
if you can't decide ♪

♪ Between a little breakfast
and lunch ♪

♪ Why don't you microwave
yourself ♪

♪ A little bowl of brunch? ♪

[ phone ringing ]

Hello?

Hey!

Hi.

So, um,

I've been listening to that

really weird CD that you made me.

Yeah, what's the verdict?

Well, it's cute.

"It's cute"?

When you're used to listening

to the raw power
of Iggy and The Stooges,

everything else just sounds
kind of like...

precious in comparison.

Well, I imagine you've got
a collection of punk chestnuts

to prove your point.

Well... consider it
your musical education.

Can't wait to see what
you've got to teach me.

Stop surfing porn
and get back to work.

[ chuckles ]

I just wanted to call and say hi.

Right.
Go learn something.

I'll have a little trip
down Mexico way.

And Greece and China apparently.

How many months has it been now?

You're getting huge.

Oh, it's honing in on eight.

You should see
how weird I look naked.

I wish my fun bags would get bigger.

God, trust me, you don't.

I have to actually wear
a frickin' bra now

and rub all this nasty
cocoa butter stuff on myself

so, like... I don't know,
my skin won't explode.

Hot.

[ humming ]

Why is everyone
always staring at me?

Well, you are kind of
convex, you know.

Whoa-uh!

Who's been doing their
geometry homework for once?

I have no choice.

Keith's been grading me, like,
so hard lately.

Do not call Mr. Connors Keith.

Why?

'Cause my barf reflex
is really heightened these days.

But Keith's hot.

JUNO: Ew, he's all beardy.

Did you hear that Bleek is going
to prom with Katrina De Voort?

Katrina?!

No, way, no,
he doesn't like Katrina.

Must be, like, a pity date
or something.

I heard he asked her.

And that they're
going to Benihana

and then prom and
then Vijay's parents' cabin.

Oh, what're you talk...

He told me that Katrina's
house smells like soup.

Oh. Oh, my God, it totally does.

I was there, like, four years
ago for a birthday party.

Oh, my God,
it's like Lipton Landing.

But, you know, boys have endured
way worse things for nookie.

Oh, please.

There is no way
that they're having sex.

I mean, they wouldn't even
be holding hands.

Oh, I wouldn't be so sure.
He did it with you.

Yeah, 'cause Bleek trusts me,
you know.

We're best friends.

Are you jealous?

I thought you said
you didn't care what he did.

Not jealous, don't care.

It's just, I know Bleek
doesn't like Katrina, you know.

He shouldn't toy
with her emotions like that,

'cause she seems pretty nice.

Uh-huh,
I'm really convinced.

You know, prom is
for weenuses anyway.

As soon as you you're old enough
to go, it's so not cool anymore.

Are you honestly and truly going
to prom with Katrina De Voort?

Uh, hi.

Leah just-just said that
you were going to go with her.

Yeah, I did ask her
if she wanted to go.

Um, a bunch of us
from the team

are going to go to Benihana
and then go to the prom

and then go
to Vijay's parents' cabin,

so...

We-we-we're getting a stretch limo.

Your mom must be pretty stoked
that you're not taking me.

You're mad. Why are you mad?

I'm not mad. I'm in a...

I'm in a great mood.

I mean, despite the fact
that well, I'm in a fat suit

that I can't take off
and despite the fact

that pretty much everyone's
making fun of me behind my back

and despite the fact
that your little girlfriend

gave me the stink eye
in art class yesterday...

Katrina's not my girlfriend,
all right?

And I doubt that
she gave you the stink eye.

That's just... the way
her face looks, you know.

That's just her face.

Yeah, what... You-you just take
Soupy Sales to prom.

I can think of so many
cooler things to do that night.

Like, you know what, Bleek?
I might pumice my feet.

I might go to
Bren's dumb Unitarian Church.

Maybe get hit by a truck full of
hot garbage juice, you know,

'cause all those things
would be exponentially cooler

than going to prom with you.

You're being really immature.

You have no reason to be mad at me.

I mean, you know,
you broke my heart.

I... I should be royally
ticked off at you, you know.

I should be really cheesed off.

I shouldn't want to talk
to you anymore.

Ooh, what, 'cause I got bored
and had sex with you

and I didn't want
to, like, marry you?

Like I'd marry you?
You'd be the meanest wife ever,

okay? And I know that you
weren't bored that day,

because there was a lot
of stuff on TV,

and-and the Blair Witch Project
was coming on Starz.

And you were like, "I haven't
seen this since it came out."

And if so, we should watch it.

And then but, "Oh, no, we should
make out instead," la, la, la.

[ scoffs ]

You just, you just take Katrina
the douche packer to prom.

I'm, I'm sure you two will have,
like, a real bitchin' time.

Well, I still have your underwear.

I still...
I have your virginity.

Would you shut up?

What, are you ashamed
that we did it?

No.

Because at least
you don't have to have

the evidence under your sweater.

I'm a planet.

Wait, wait, let me get your bag.

You shouldn't be carrying...

What's another ten pounds?

[ sighs ]

[ fast-tempo guitar intro
playing ]

♪ Monday morning wake up ♪

♪ Knowing that
you got to go to school♪

♪ Tell you mum what to expect ♪

♪ She says it's right out
of the blue ♪

♪ Do you want to work
in Debenham's? ♪

♪ 'Cause that's
what they expect ♪

♪ Start in lingerie,
and Doris is your supervisor ♪

[ car engine starts ]

♪ And the head said
that you always ♪

♪ Were a queer one
from the start ♪

♪ For careers, you say you want
to be remembered for your art ♪

- [ knocking ]
- ♪ Your obsession gets you known ♪

♪ Throughout the school
for being strange ♪

♪ Making life-size models... ♪

- Hi. Wow.
- Hi.

Shirt's working hard.

Is Vanessa here?

No. We are safe.

Sweet.

I'm glad you're here.

I actually have something
for you. Come here.

♪ And the rumor is you never go
with boys and you are tight... ♪

Almost there.

♪ So they jab you with a fork ♪

♪ You drop the tray
and go berserk... ♪

Whoa, Mark, is this the baby's room?

It's beautiful.

Oh, that's hilarious.

Now, this is where I keep
all my old comics,

- Huh.
- And I want to show you one.

You're one of those guys?

Take a look.

Huh?

Most Fruitful Yuki.

Mm-hmm.

Is this a pregnant superhero?

Isn't that great?

I found it in Japan
when I was there with my band.

It reminds me of you.

- Hells, yeah!
- Yeah.

This actually makes me feel
way less of a fat dork.

Well, Yuki is a real bad-ass.

You should be very proud
to be in the same condition.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Oh, how about some tuneage?

- Tuneage?
- Yeah.

- I got a bunch...
- All right, don't look. Numero trois.

Not looking.

Um, okay, this one
is actually kind of slow,

but it's Mott The Hoople,
so it's still totally rad...

and hardcore.

[ rock intro begins ]

- What?
- I know this one.

- You do?
- Yeah.

This song is older than I am,
if you can believe it.

I danced to this at my senior prom.

Who'd you dance with?

Cynthia Vogel.
Great dance partner.

- She let me put my hands all over her butt.
- Hot.

Very hot.

I can just totally
picture you dancing

- like a total dork.
- [ chuckles ]

Actually...

her hands...

were there.

I put my hands down here.

Th-this, this... this
is how we did it in '88.

- Like this?
- Just like this.

Have you ever been
to a dance before?

Dances are for nerds and squares.

What are you?

I don't know.

Does it feel like there's
something between us?

[ both chuckle ]

- ♪ All the young dudes ♪
- ♪ Hey, dudes ♪

♪ Carry the news ♪

♪ Where are you? ♪

♪ Stand up ♪

♪ Carry the news ♪

I'm leaving Vanessa.

♪ Carry the news ♪

- What?!
- Getting a place in the city.

Got it all planned.

This is something I've been
wanting to do for a long time.

- No.
- No?

No, you definitely...
can't do that.

That's one big, fat sack of... no!

- What is the matter?
- Wh... di... I...

I mean... you guys are supposed
to take care of this, you know?

- I thought you'd be cool with this.
- Cool?

L-I want things to be perfect.

I don't want them to be
shitty and broken

like everyone else's family.

Look, I'll have the baby,

and Vanessa's going to be so happy.

You just...

A baby's not going to fix
everything, besides I don't know

if I'm even ready to be a father.

But you're old.

[ scoffs ]

How do you think of me?

You know, why are you over here?

I... I just like being

a piece of furniture
in your weird life.

This? This is what
my life has become.

I mean, you know,
I got stuff in boxes.

You know, I'm underground.

That's appealing to you?

- Is this my fault?
- No.

Is Vanessa, like, mad at you
because of me or something?

That's got nothing to do with it.

Vanessa and I aren't
in love anymore.

Well, you were in love
when you married her.

And if you're in love once,
you can be in love again

like my friend, Leah,
who's been with the same guy,

like, four different times.

- You're just not trying hard enough.
- I'm such an idiot.

I can't believe what an idiot I am.

No, no, you know what, Mark...

Just do not divorce your wife.

Will you please
just do me a solid

and stay with Vanessa?

You're so young.

Oh, I'm not that young.
Okay, I'm 16.

All right, I'm old enough
to know when someone's

acting like a total a-hole.

Oh, and you know what?

I bought another Sonic Youth
album and it sucks!

It's just noise.

Juno? What's going on?

Nothing.

Why are you crying?

I'm not crying,

I'm just allergic
to fine home furnishings.

Hold on. What's the matter?

What's the matter?

Just a little hormonal.

Right, Juno?

Just part of the process.

What did you do?

I didn't do anything.

Just, um...

I've been thinking...

- What?
- You know, I've just...

I'm thinking if this
is the right thing.

What are you talking about?

Just wondering if it's...

just wondering if we're ready.

Yeah, we're ready.

We're ready.
We've read the books.

We've taken all the classes.

We've have a nursery

- that is completely...
- Vanessa.

I know we're prepared.

I'm just wondering if...

I'm ready.

Wait a minute.

Wait, Juno,

don't listen to him.

He's just got cold feet.

He's just being a guy.

The books all say the same thing.

"A woman becomes a mother
when she gets pregnant.

A man becomes a father
when he sees his baby."

He's going to get there.

- He's... he's going to get there.
- It happened so fast.

You know, we put
the ad in the paper

and I thought that it was going
to take months, if at all,

and then, two weeks later,
she's on that couch.

Well, she answered our prayers.

Ever since then, it's been,
like, a ticking clock.

What are you saying?

That it feels a little
like bad timing.

What would be a good time
for you, Mark?

There's just some things
that I still want to do.

Like what? Be a rock star?

Don't mock me.

I'm just saying that this is...

this is something
that's never going to happen.

You know...

your shirt is stupid.

Grow up.

If I have to wait for you
to become Kurt Cobain,

I'm never going to be a mother.

I never said I'd be a good father.

[ door opens ]

[ engine starting ]

[ tires screeching ]

[ crying ]

[ crying ]

[ engine starting ]

[ strumming ]

♪ ♪

I called Gerta Rouse
and she said that

she can represent both of us.

It's called
a "collaborative divorce."

It's all the rage
right now, supposedly.

It'd be pretty easy

'cause we don't have any children.

Thanks for making the call, I guess.

Have you found a place to stay yet?

Yeah, downtown.

A hotel?

No, it's not a hotel, it's a loft.

Well, aren't you the cool guy.

I wanted a baby so bad.

I know.

[ knocking ]

[ engine accelerates,
tires screech ]

This looks like a bill from Jun...

It's for me.

[ engine idling ]

[ engine stops ]

[ car door opens, closes ]

JUNO: I never realize
how much I like being home

unless I've been somewhere
really different for a while.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, big puffy version of June bug.

Where you been?

Oh, just out dealing with things
way beyond my maturity level.

[ sighs ]

Where is everybody?

Well, Bren took Liberty Bell
to her tot ice-skating class.

When will you guys learn
that tots can't ice-skate?

You're looking
a little morose, honey.

What's eating you?

Oh...

I'm just, like, losing
my faith with humanity.

Wow, can you narrow that down
for me?

I just... wonder if, like,

two people can
stay together for good.

You mean, like couples?

Yeah, like...
people in love.

Are you having boy trouble?

'Cause I got to be honest,
I don't really much approve

of you dating in your condition.

That's...
that's kind of messed up.

- No, Dad, it's not...
- I mean, that's pretty skanky.

Isn't that what
you girls call it... skanky?

- Skivvy?
- Please stop.

Tore up from the floor up?

That's... that's
not what it's about, it...

I just... I need to know
that it's possible

that two people can stay happy
together forever.

Well, it's not easy,
that's for sure.

And, uh, I don't have the best
track record in the world,

I know, but...

I've been with your stepmother
for ten years now,

and, um, I'm proud to say,
we're very happy.

Look...

in my opinion, the best thing
you can do is find a person

who loves you
for exactly what you are.

Good mood, bad mood...

ugly, pretty...

handsome, what have you.

The right person's
still gonna think

the sun shines out your ass.

That's the kind of person
that's worth sticking with.

Yeah.

Yeah, and I think
I've found that person.

Yeah, sure you have...
your dear old D-A-D.

[ stammers ]

You know I'll always be there
to love you and support you

no matter what kind of pickle
you're in.

Obviously.

Dad, I think I'm just gonna
like... shove out for a sec,

but I won't be home late.

Okay.

You were talking about me, right?

Oh, yeah.

- Come on!
- Tic tac ahoy!

♪ The flower said,
"I wish I was a tree" ♪

♪ The tree said, "I wish I could
be a different kind of tree" ♪

♪ The cat wished
that it was a bee ♪

♪ The turtle wished
that it could fly ♪

♪ Really high into the sky ♪

♪ Over rooftops and then dive
deep into the sea ♪

♪ And in the sea
there is a fish ♪

♪ A fish that has
a secret wish ♪

♪ A wish to be a big cactus
with a pink flower on it ♪

♪ And in the sea
there is a fish ♪

♪ A fish that has
a secret wish ♪

♪ A wish to be a big cactus
with a pink flower on it... ♪

Hi.

Hey, did you put, like,

a hundred things of
tic tacs in my mailbox?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was me.

Why?

Well, you know,
they're your fave,

and, uh, I mean, you can never
have too many of your favorite

one-calorie breath mints.

So, I just thought I'd...

Yeah, well, thanks.

I, uh, I think
I'm pretty much set

until college on the tic tac front.

You know, Bleek, I was thinking...

and I'm sorry
I was such a huge bitch to you.

You don't deserve it.

It's okay, you know...
it's okay.

And also, um...

I think I'm in love with you.

You mean, as friends?

No. I mean, for real.

'Cause you're, like, the coolest
person I've ever met,

and you don't even have to try.

I try really hard, actually.

You're, like, naturally smart,

and you're not like everyone else.

You don't stare
at my stomach all the time.

You look at my face,
and every time I see you,

the baby starts kicking super hard.

It does?

Wizard.

I think it's 'cause
my heart starts pounding

every time I see you.

Mine, too.

That's all I could ask for.

You're golden, man.

Can we make out now?

Yeah.

♪ I like boys
with strong convictions ♪

♪ And convicts
with perfect diction ♪

♪ Underdogs
with good intentions ♪

♪ Amputees
with stamp collections ♪

♪ I like boys
that like their mothers ♪

♪ And I have a thing for... ♪

Hey, you know,

you could go into early labor
sucking face like that.

♪ We're not lovers ♪

♪ You're so nice ♪

♪ And you're so smart ♪

♪ You're such a good friend,
I have to break your heart ♪

♪ I'll tell you
that I love you ♪

♪ Then I'll tear your world
apart ♪

♪Just pretend I didn't tear
your world apart... ♪

Dad!

What?!

Dad, either I just peed my pants
or, um...

Or?!

Thundercats are go!

Fall out! Fall out!

You okay?

- Do you have the admittance form?
- Got 'em!

What about the parking stickers?

I got 'em!
You got Liberty Bell?!

Oh, Liberty Bell.
Oh, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie!

♪ You're so nice
and you're so smart ♪

We're gonna have a baby!
Yeah! Here we go!

♪ You're such a good friend
I have to break your heart ♪

All right, go!

- ♪ I'll tell you that I love you ♪
- Aah!

- Aah!
- ♪ And I'll tear your world apart ♪

♪Just pretend I didn't tear
your world apart... ♪

Breathe! Breathe!

Out of the way!
Out of the way!

BRENDA:
Stop it. For God's sake, stop it.

- Don't do that.
- What?

- Don't...
- But it's fun!

Ow, ow, fuckity, ow!

God, Bren, when do I get
the friggin' spinal tap thing?!

It's called
a spinal block,

and you can't have it yet, honey.

The doctor said you're
not dilated enough.

Oh, come on!
I mean, it's like...

I have to wait for it to get worse?

Why can't I just have
the friggin' thing now?

Well, honey, doctors are sadists
who like to play God

and watch lesser people scream.

[ yells ]

Oh, shit!
Uh, excuse me!

Hey, could we give my kid
the damn spinal tap already?!

- [ screaming ]
- Breath and push.

- That's good.
- Keep pushing.

- Keep pushing, keep pushing...
- [ screaming ]

[ medium-tempo acoustic
guitar intro playing ]

♪ You're a part-time lover
and a full-time friend ♪

♪ The monkey on your back
is the latest trend ♪

♪ I don't see what anyone
can see in anyone else ♪

- ♪ But you... ♪
- ♪ I kiss you on the brain
in the shadow of the train... ♪

JUNO:
And then, out of nowhere, there it was...

there he was.

♪ Here is the church
and here is the steeple ♪

♪ We sure are cute
for two ugly people... ♪

JUNO:
I decided not to call Bleeker

to tell him
that I was having the baby.

He had a big meet
against Manteno

and I didn't want him
to get all worried about me.

ANNOUNCER: Paulie Bleeker
has just broken a district record...

J UNO: But he figured it out anyway.

♪ Do, do-do-do, do-do-do,
do-do, do-do ♪

♪ But you. ♪

Someday, you'll be
back here, honey...

on your terms.

[ rushing footsteps approach ]

Hi.

Nice legs.

[ slow, gentle guitar intro ]

♪ Come with me ♪

♪ My love ♪

♪ To the sea... ♪

JUNO: Bleeker decided
he didn't want to see the baby.

Neither did I really.

He didn't feel like ours.

♪... How much... ♪

I think he was always hers.

[ baby crying ]

Would you like to meet your son?

I have a son.

♪ Do you remember when we met ♪

♪ That's the day ♪

♪ I knew you were my pet ♪

♪ I wanna tell you... ♪

I'm gonna...

♪ How much... ♪

I'm your...

- ♪ I love you... ♪
- Oh.

Is this...
Am l...

[ baby cries ]

How do I look?

Like a new mom.

Scared shitless.

♪ Come with me ♪

♪ My love ♪

♪ To the sea ♪

♪ The sea of love ♪

♪ I wanna tell you ♪

♪ How much... ♪

It ended with a chair.

♪... I love you ♪

♪ Mm-mm ♪

♪ Mm-mm... ♪

♪ I took the Polaroid down
in my room ♪

♪ I'm pretty sure
you have a new girlfriend ♪

♪ It's not
as if I don't like you ♪

♪ It just makes me sad
whenever I see it ♪

♪ 'Cause I like to be gone most
of the time... ♪

As boyfriends go,
Paulie Bleeker is totally boss.

He is the cheese to my macaroni.

And I know people are supposed
to fall in love

before they reproduce,

but I guess normalcy
isn't really our style.

♪... he didn't want a ride ♪

♪ And I never met a Toby
that I didn't like... ♪

Hey.

Hey.

♪... that I recommended,
even if he didn't... ♪

Ready?

Yeah.

♪ You're a part-time
lover ♪

♪ And a full-time
friend ♪

♪ The monkey on your back
is the latest trend ♪

♪ I don't see
what anyone can see ♪

♪ In anyone else ♪

♪ But you... ♪

♪ Here is the church and
here is the steeple ♪

♪ We sure are cute for
two ugly people ♪

♪ I don't see what
anyone can see ♪

♪ In anyone else ♪

♪ But you... ♪

♪ We both have shiny
happy fits of rage ♪

♪ I want more fans,
you want more stage ♪

♪ I don't see
what anyone can see ♪

♪ In anyone else ♪

♪ But you... ♪

♪ You're always trying
to keep it real ♪

♪ And I'm in love with
how you feel ♪

♪ I don't see what
anyone can see ♪

♪ In anyone else ♪

♪ But you... ♪

♪ I kiss you on the brain
in the shadow of a train ♪

♪ I kiss you
all starry-eyed ♪

♪ My body swings
from side to side ♪

♪ I don't see
what anyone can see ♪

♪ In anyone else ♪

♪ But you... ♪

♪ The pebbles forgive me,
the trees forgive me ♪

♪ So why can't
you forgive me? ♪

♪ I don't see what
anyone can see ♪

♪ In anyone else ♪

♪ But you... ♪

♪ Do, do-do-do, do-do-do,
do-do, do-do ♪

BOTH:
♪ Do, do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do, do-do ♪

♪ I don't see
what anyone can see ♪

♪ In anyone else ♪

♪ But you. ♪

[ acoustic guitar intro ]

♪ Loose lips might sink ships
but loose gooses take trips ♪

♪ To San Francisco
double Dutch disco ♪

♪ Tech TV hottie,
do it for Scotty ♪

♪ Do it for the living
and do it for the dead ♪

♪ Do it for the monsters
under your bed ♪

♪ Do it for the teenagers
and do it for your mom ♪

♪ Broken hearts hurt
but they make us strong and ♪

♪ We won't stop
until somebody calls the cops ♪

♪ And even then
we'll start again ♪

♪ And just pretend
that nothing ever happened ♪

♪ We won't stop
until somebody calls the cops ♪

♪ And even then
we'll start again ♪

♪ And just pretend
that nothing ever happened ♪

♪ We're just dancing,
we're just hugging ♪

♪ Singing, screaming,
kissing, tugging ♪

♪ On the sleeve
of how it used to be ♪

♪ How's it gonna be? ♪

♪ I'll drop kick
Russell Stover ♪

♪ Move into the Starting Over
house ♪

♪ You know Matt Rouse
and Jest are watching me ♪

♪ Achieve my dreams ♪

♪ While we strive to figure out
a way we can survive ♪

♪ These trying times
without losing our minds ♪

♪ Shysters live
from scheme to scheme ♪

♪ But my 4th quarter pipe dreams
are seeming more ♪

♪ And more worth fighting for ♪

♪ My war paint is Sharpie ink ♪

♪ And I'll show you
how much my shit stinks ♪

♪ And ask you what you think ♪

♪ Because your thoughts
and words are powerful ♪

♪ They think we're disposable ♪

♪ Well both my thumbs
opposable ♪

♪ Spelled out on a double word
and triple letter score and ♪

♪ We won't stop
until somebody calls the cops ♪

♪ And even then
we'll start again ♪

♪ And just pretend
that nothing ever happened ♪

♪ We won't stop
until somebody calls the cops ♪

♪ And even then
we'll start again ♪

♪ And just pretend
that nothing ever happened ♪

♪ We're just dancing,
we're just hugging ♪

♪ Singing, screaming,
kissing, tugging ♪

♪ On the sleeve
of how it used to be. ♪

[ song ends ]

[ acoustic guitar intro ]

[ guitar and drums join in ]

[ guitar, drum
and xylophone playing ]

[ music stops ]

[ guitar strumming ]

♪ I am a vampire,
I am a vampire ♪

♪ I am a vampire, I am
a vampire ♪

♪ I am a vampire, vampire,
I am a vampire ♪

♪ I have lost my fangs ♪

♪ I am a vampire,
I am a vampire ♪

♪ I am a vampire ♪

♪ I have lost my fangs ♪

♪ So I'm sad and I feel lonely ♪

♪ So I cry and I'm very angry ♪

♪ And I ate some garlic ♪

♪ So I'm no more sad and ache ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, I am a vampire ♪

♪ And I'm looking in the city
for the pretty girls ♪

♪ Don't look at me ♪

♪ Don't look at me ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't
have my fangs ♪

♪ 'Cause I have lost my fangs ♪

♪ I am a vampire,
I am a vampire ♪

♪ I have lost my mouth again ♪

♪ I am a vampire,
I am a vampire ♪

♪ I have lost my mouth again ♪

♪ So I get one and I slept ♪

♪ So I eat popcorn
and I brood and wait ♪

♪ And I sing
with my best friend the king ♪

♪ And I want to play
the guitar ♪

♪ But my guitar is out
of tune ♪

♪ I am a vampire ♪

♪ And I'm looking
in the city but the musical ♪

♪ Don't play with me ♪

♪ Don't play with me ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't have my mouth
again ♪

♪ 'Cause I have lost my mouth
again. ♪

[ The end ]