Original subtitles

[ drum roll ]

[ rousing orchestral fanfare playing ]

[ fanfare ends ]

GIRL: It started with a chair.

♪ Once ♪

♪ I loved ♪

♪ And I gave so much love to this love ♪

♪ It was the world to me ♪

♪ Once ♪

♪ I cried ♪

♪ At the thought I was foolish and proud ♪

♪ And let you say good-bye ♪

I've wanted this for a really long time.

I know.

Wizard...

♪ From my infinite sadness you came... ♪

[ kissing ]

[ barking ]

Geez, Banana, shut your friggin' gob, okay?!

[ whimpering growls ]

This is the most magnificent discarded living room set

I've ever seen.

♪ If I was a flower growing wild and free ♪

♪ All I'd want is you to be my sweet honeybee ♪

♪ And if I was a tree growing tall and green ♪

♪ All I'd want is you to shade me and be my leaves ♪

♪ ♪

♪ If I was a flower growing wild and free ♪

♪ All I'd want is you to be my sweet honeybee ♪

♪ And if I was a tree growing tall and green ♪

♪ All I'd want is you to shade me and be my leaves ♪

♪ All I want is you, will you be my bride? ♪

♪ Take me by the hand and stand by my side? ♪

♪ All I want is you, will you stay with me? ♪

♪ Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea ♪

♪ ♪

♪ If you were a river and the mountains tall ♪

♪ The rumble of your water would be my call ♪

♪ If you were the winter, I know I'd be the snow ♪

♪Just as long as you were with me when the cold winds blow ♪

♪ All I want is you, will you be my bride? ♪

♪ Take me by the hand and stand by my side? ♪

♪ All I want is you, will you stay with me? ♪

♪ Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea ♪

♪ If you were a wink, I'd be a nod ♪

♪ If you were a seed, well, I'd be a pod ♪

♪ If you were a floor, I'd want to be the rug ♪

♪ And if you were a kiss, I know I'd be a hug ♪

♪ All I want is you, will you be my bride? ♪

♪ Take me by the hand and stand by my side ♪

♪ All I want is you, will you stay with me? ♪

♪ Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea ♪

♪ If you were the wood, I'd be the fire ♪

♪ If you were the love, I'd be the desire ♪

♪ If you were a castle, I'd be your moat ♪

♪ And if you were an ocean, I'd learn to float ♪

♪ All I want is you, will you be my bride? ♪

♪ Take me by the hand and stand by my side ♪

♪ All I want is you, will you stay with me? ♪

♪ Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea. ♪

♪ ♪

[ bell jingling ]

Well, well, if it isn't MacGuff the crime dog.

Back for another test?

I think the first one was defective.

The plus sign looks more like a division symbol,

so I remain unconvinced.

Third test today, mama bear.

Your Eggo is prego, no doubt about it.

It's really easy to tell.

Is your nipples real brown?

Yeah, maybe your little boyfriend's

got mutant sperms; knocked you up twice.

Silencio, old man!

Look, I just drank my weight in SunnyD

and I got to go pronto.

Well, you know where the lavatory is.

And pay for that pee stick when you're done.

Don't think it's yours just 'cause you marked it

with your urine.

[ zipper opens ]

[ urinating ]

What's the prognosis, fertile Myrtle?

Minus or plus?

I don't know. It's not seasoned yet.

Take some of these.

No, there it is.

God, that little pink plus sign is so unholy.

That ain't no Etch A Sketch.

This is one doodle that can't be undid, home skillet.

[ bell jingling, door closes ]

♪ I took the Polaroid down in my room ♪

♪ I'm pretty sure you have a new girlfriend ♪

♪ It's not as if I don't like you ♪

♪ It just makes me sad whenever I see it ♪

♪ 'Cause I like to be gone most of the time ♪

♪ And you like to be home most of the time ♪

♪ If I stay in one place, I lose my mind ♪

♪ I'm a pretty impossible lady to be with ♪

♪Joey never met a bike that he didn't want to ride ♪

♪ And I never met a Toby that I didn't like ♪

♪ Scotty liked all of the books that I recommended ♪

♪ Even if he didn't, I wouldn't be offended ♪

♪ I had a dream that I had to drive to Madison ♪

♪ To deliver a painting ♪

♪ For some silly reason ♪

♪ I took a wrong turn and ended up in Michigan... ♪

[ phone rings ]

Yo, yo, yo-giddy, yo.

I'm a suicide risk.

Juno?

No, it's Morgan Freeman.

Do you have any bones that need collecting?

Only the one in my pants.

[ laughs ]

I'm pregnant.

What?! Honest to blog?

Yeah. Yeah, it's Bleeker's.

It's probably just a food baby.

Did you have a big lunch?

No, this is not a food baby, all right?

I've taken, like, three pregnancy tests,

and I am for shiz up the spout.

How did you even generate enough pee

for three pregnancy tests?

That's amazing.

I don't know. I drank, like, ten tons of SunnyD.

Anyway, dude, I'm telling you I'm pregnant,

and you're acting shockingly cavalier.

Is this for real? Like, for real for real?

Unfortunately, yes.

Oh, my God!

Oh, shit!

Phuket, Thailand.

There we go.

That was kind of the emotion

that I was searching for on the first take.

So, are you going to go to Havenbrook or Women Now?

'Cause you know you need a note from your parents

for Havenbrook.

Yeah, l-I know, um... no, I'm going to go to Women Now

just 'cause they help out women now.

Hey, do you want me to call for you?

'Cause I called for Becky last year.

No, I can call myself.

Oh, but I do need your help with something.

It's, like, critically important.

[ both grunting ]

You know, heavy lifting can really only help you

at this point.

Seriously.

So you were bored?

That's how this blessed miracle came to be?

No. No, no. The act was premeditated.

I mean, the sex,

not the whole, like, let's-get-pregnant thing.

So, when did you decide

that you were going to, uh, do Bleeker?

Well, like...

a year ago in Spanish class.

♪ Besame mucho. ♪

You love him.

[ laughs ]

It's... no, it's actually,

it's really complicated, okay?

And I don't feel like talking about it in my fragile state.

So what was it like humping Bleek's bony bod?

Magnificent.

♪ 'Cause he gets up in the morning ♪

♪ And he goes to work at 9:00 ♪

♪ And he comes back home at 5:30 ♪

♪ Gets the same train every time ♪

♪ 'Cause his world is built on punctuality ♪

♪ It never fails ♪

♪ And he's, oh, so good ♪

♪ And he's, oh, so fine ♪

♪ And he's, oh, so healthy in his body and his mind ♪

♪ He's a well-respected man about town ♪

♪ Doing the best things so conservatively. ♪

Hey, Bleek.

Wicked tiger.

He looks proud.

I swiped it from Miss Ransick's lawn.

Wow, your shorts are, like, especially gold today.

My mom uses colorsafe bleach.

Go, Carol.

I'll tell her.

When I see them all running like that

with their things bouncing around in their shorts,

I always picture them naked even if I don't want to.

All I see is pork swords.

I'm supposed to be running.

So guess what?

What? I don't know.

I'm pregnant.

What should we do... about...?

Well, you know, I was just...

I was thinking I'd just nip it in the bud

before it gets worse.

'Cause they were talking about, in health class,

how pregnancy, it can often lead to an infant.

Typically, yeah, yeah.

That's what happens when our moms and teachers get pregnant.

So you're cool with that then?

Yeah, yeah, Wizard, I mean, you know, just,

I guess do whatever you think you should do, you know?

Well, I'm sorry I had sex with you.

I know it wasn't, like, your idea.

Whose idea was it?

I'll see you at school, all right?

Whose idea was it?

♪ ♪

[ indistinct chattering ]

[ book thuds ]

Your book feel apart.

Right.

Must have looked at your face.

[ boys chuckling ]

The funny thing is that Steve Rendazo secretly wants me.

Jocks like him always want freaky girls...

girls with horn-rimmed glasses, and vegan footwear,

and Goth makeup...

Girls who, like, play the cello and read McSweeney's

and want to be childrens' librarians when they grow up.

Oh, yeah, jocks totally eat that shit up.

They just won't admit it because they're supposed to be

into, like, the perfect cheerleaders, you know?

Like Leah, who, incidentally, is into teachers.

Me, too!

I love Woody Allen.

- [ class chattering ] - All right, all right.

All right, people,

we're doing chromatography lab today.

So find your partners and break into groups of four.

Well, there's nothing like experimenting.

Um, I did

the prep questions for this lab last night.

So you can just copy my answers if you...

Oh, I couldn't copy your work.

You copy my work every week.

True. I'm kind of a deadbeat lab partner, aren't I?

No, I don't mind.

I think you definitely bring something to the table.

Charisma.

So who's ready

for some chromo-magnificence?

Yeah, I have a menstrual migraine,

so I can't really look at bright lights today.

Amanda, I told you to go

to the infirmary and lie down.

You never listen.

No, Josh, because I don't take orders,

- not from you and not from any man. - You've been acting

like this ever since I got back

from visiting my brother in Mankato.

I already told you, nothing happened.

Well, I'm gonna set up the apparatus.

Um, Juno, do you want to plug in the Bunsen burner?

- It's my pleasure. - I'm going to the infirmary.

Good. Call me when you get off the rag.

Fine. Call me when you learn how to love someone

instead of cheat at your brother's college

just because you had four Smirnoff Ices

and a bottle of snow peak peach flavored Boone's.

Good, Amanda, I'll be sure to do that.

- I'll make a note of it. - [ scoffs ]

I've actually heard that

the snow peak peach flavor

is the best flavor of Boone's.

Isn't that right, Bleek?

[ dial tone drones ]

[ keypad beeping ]

[ phone ringing ]

Oprima el numero dos.

[ beeps ]

Hey, yeah, um,

l-I'm just calling to procure a hasty abortion.

What?

Can you just hold on for a second?

I'm on my hamburger phone.

Y... okay, yeah, now I can...

Yeah, it's just, like, really awkward to talk on.

Um...

Yeah, yeah, I...

l-I need an abortion.

Sixteen.

I'm gonna say it's been about, um...

two months and four days since the sex.

Mind you, that's just, like, a guesstimation.

Sorry, how long have I been what?

Ugh, I hate it when adults use the term "sexually active. '

What does it even mean?

That I, like, deactivate someday?

Or is this some sort of permanent state of being?

I guess Bleeker went live that night we did it, I guess,

and that's why he got that look on his face.

Should've seen this octopus furnace at work.

I had to get on my Hazmat suit just to get into the thing.

My dad used to be in the army,

but now he's just your average H-VAC specialist.

He and my mom got divorced when I was, like, five

and she lives on a Havasu reservation in Arizona

with her new husband and three replacement kids.

Oh, and she inexplicably mails me a cactus

every Valentine's Day.

And I'm like, "Thanks a heap, coyote ugly.

This cactus-gram stings even worse than your abandonment. '

That's my step mom, Bren.

She's completely obsessed with dogs,

owns a nail salon

and always smells like methyl methacrylate.

So, Juno, how was your little maneuver last night?

Which maneuver, sir?

The one where I move an entire living room set

from one lawn to the other or the one where I downed

a 64-ounce blue Slushee in ten minutes.

Juno,

did you by any chance barf in my urn?

Mac, you know that nice urn by the front door,

the one I got up in Stillwater?

Mm-hmm.

There was some blue shit...

I mean, gunk,

stuff in there this morning.

I would never barf in your urn, Brenda.

I mean, maybe LB did it.

Liberty Bell, if you put

one more Bac-O on that potato,

I'm gonna kick your little monkey butt.

[ laughs softly ]

All babies want to get borned.

All babies

want to get borned.

All babies want to get borned.

All...

Hey, Su-Chin.

Oh. Hi, Juno.

How are you?

You know, pretty solid.

Um...

So, did you... did you write that paper

for Worth's class yet?

No, not yet.

I tried to work on it a little last night,

but I'm having trouble concentrating.

Oh, well, I'll sell you some of my Adderall, if you...

No, thanks.

I'm off pills.

It's a wise choice.

'Cause I knew this girl,

she had this, like, crazy freak-out

'cause she took too many behavioral meds at once.

And she just, like, ripped off her clothes

and dove into the fountain at Ridgedale mall,

and was like, "Bligh, I'm a kraken from the sea!"

I heard that was you.

Well, it's good seeing you, Su-Chin.

Your baby probably has a beating heart, you know.

It can feel pain.

And it has fingernails!

Fingernails? Really?

Welcome to Women Now, where women are trusted friends.

Please put your hands where I can see them

and surrender any bombs.

Hey, I'm here for the big show.

Your name, please?

Juno MacGuff.

She thinks I'm using a fake name,

like Gene Simmons or Mother Teresa.

I need you to fill these out, both sides,

and don't skip the hairy details.

We need to know about every score and every sore.

Would you like a free condom?

They're boysenberry.

No, I'm... I'm off sex right now.

My boyfriend uses them every time we have intercourse.

They make his junk

smell like pie.

[ short laugh ]

[ fingers tapping ]

[ snapping ]

[ fingers tapping, scraping ]

[ loud scratching ]

[ loud tapping, scratching and scraping ]

[ heart beating ]

All babies want to get borned.

All babies want to...

God appreciates your miracle!

Dude, what are you doing here?

I'm supposed to come get you at 4:00.

Couldn't do it, Leah.

It smelled like a dentist's office in there.

And there were these horrible magazines

with water stains.

And then the friggin' receptionist

is trying to get me to take these condoms

that look like grape suckers.

And just babbling away

about her friggin' boyfriend's pie balls.

Ooh, yum.

Oh, and then Su-Chin was there. Yeah.

And she was like, "Oh, hi. Babies have fingernails."

Fingernails.

That's gruesome. Do you think the baby could all like

scratch your vag on the way out

and then it would...?

I'm staying pregnant, Leah.

Dude! You got to keep your voice down, okay?

My mom is inside.

She doesn't know that we're sexually active.

What does that even mean?

I've been thinking.

I was thinking I could, like, have this baby

and give it to someone that, like, totally needs it.

You know, like, a woman with a bum ovary

or a couple nice lesbos.

But then you're gonna get, like, huge.

And your chest is gonna milktate.

And you're gonna have to, like... tell people

that you're pregnant.

Yeah, but maybe they'll, like, canonize me

for being so selfless.

Or maybe they'll, like, totally shit

and be really, really mad and not let you graduate

or go to Cabo for spring break.

I was gonna go to Gettysburg with Bleeker anyway.

You should look at adoption ads.

I see them all the time in the PennySaver.

They have ads for parents?

Yeah.

"Desperately seeking spawn"

right next to, like, terriers

and iguanas and used fitness equipment and stuff.

It's... it's, like, totally legit.

Mm. "Wholesome, spiritually wealthy couple

have found true love with each other." Aw.

All that's missing is your bastard.

I want a parakeet.

Juno, you're totally not even listening to me.

No, I heard you.

I just, like, I don't want to give the baby

to a family that describes themselves as "wholesome."

- Why? - Well, I don't know,

I just want someone a little more edgier.

Okay, what did you have in mind exactly?

I was thinking more like... graphic designer, mid-30s,

you know, with a cool Asian girlfriend who, like,

dresses awesome and rocks out on the bass guitar.

But I don't want to be too particular.

Okay.

Uh, how about this?

"Educated, successful couple seeking

"infant to join our family of five.

"You will be compensated.

Help us complete the circle of love."

- Yeesh. - That sounds great.

They sound like a freakin' cult is what they sound like.

And, besides, they already have three kids.

You know, they're just like greedy little bitches.

Ooh, Juno.

How about this one?

They were Mark and Vanessa Loring,

and they were beautiful even in black and white.

[ knock on door ]

Hey, Paul, are you coming downstairs to eat?

Uh, no, I don't think so.

You ran eight miles today, puppy.

L-I'm not hungry, oddly.

But it's breakfast for supper.

It's your favorite, Paul.

Yeah.

Juno MacGuff called while you were out running today.

You know how I feel about her.

Yeah, yeah, you mentioned it a couple times.

She's just...

different.

I know.

So I'm not really sure how I'm gonna spit this out.

Hon, did you get expelled?

No, the school would most likely contact you

in the event of my expulsion.

Well, I was just asking.

It seemed plausible.

What, do you need a large amount of money?

Legal counsel?

I'm not... I'm not asking for anything.

Except for maybe mercy.

Like, it would be friggin' sweet if no one hit me.

Well, what have you done, June bug?

Did you hit someone with the Previa?

No.

Dude, I think it's best to just tell them.

I'm pregnant.

Oh, God.

Yeah, but I'm gonna

give it up for adoption.

And I already found the perfect couple.

They're gonna pay for the medical expenses and everything.

And-and... what, 30, er, odd weeks,

we can just pretend that this never happened.

You're pregnant?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

And if it is any consolation,

I have heartburn that is radiating my kneecaps,

and I haven't taken a dump since... Wednesday.

Morning.

I didn't even know you were sexually active.

[ sighs ]

Who is the kid?

The baby? I don't really know much about it

other than... I mean, it has fingernails,

- allegedly. - Nails? Really.

Yeah.

No, I don't, I mean,

who is the father, Juno?

Um...

It's... it's Paulie Bleeker.

Paulie Bleeker?

What?

I didn't think he had it in him.

I know, right?

[ laughing ]

Right. This is no laughing matter.

JUNO: No, it's not.

And you know, Paulie is actually great

- in, uh... - Okay.

In chair.

You're thinking about adoption?

Yeah, yeah, and it, there's this couple

they haven't had, you know,

they've been trying to have a kid for, like, five years.

We found them in the PennySaver

next to the exotic birds.

And they have

a legitimate lawyer

and I was gonna go meet with them next weekend.

June bug, that is

a tough, tough thing to do.

It's probably tougher than you can understand right now.

Oh, I... I know.

And I... it's just that I'm not ready to be a mom.

Damn skippy, you're not.

You don't even remember

to give Liberty Bell her breathing meds.

That was once, and she did not die, if you recall.

Honey, had you considered

you know... the alternative?

No.

Well,

you're a little Viking.

[ sighs ]

First things first.

All right, we have to get you healthy.

You need prenatal vitamins.

Incidentally, they do incredible things

for your nails, so that's a plus.

Oh, and we need to schedule a doctor's appointment.

Figure out where you're going to deliver.

Juno, I'm coming with you to meet this... adoption couple.

You're just a kid.

I don't want you to get ripped off

by a couple of baby-starved wing nuts.

Thanks, Dad.

Boy, I thought you were the kind of girl

who knew when to say when.

I don't really know what kind of girl I am.

Whoa.

Just tell it to me straight, Bren.

You think this is my fault?

I think kids get bored and they have intercourse.

And I think June bug was a dummy about it, Mac.

I am not ready to be a Pop Pop.

You're not gonna be a Pop Pop.

Somebody else is gonna find a precious blessing from Jesus

in this garbage dump of a situation.

Did you see that coming when she sat us down here?

Yeah, but I was hoping she was expelled or into hard drugs.

That was my first instinct, too, or a DWI.

Anything but this.

And I'm gonna punch that Bleeker kid in the wiener

next time I see him.

Mac. Come on.

You know it wasn't his idea.

Yeah.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[ doorbell chimes ]

Hi.

I'm Vanessa. You must be Juno.

Mr. MacGuff, hi.

Vanessa Loring.

It's, uh, Vanessa, right? Is that...

Thanks for having me and my irresponsible child

over to your house.

Oh, no, thank you. Thank you.

Come on in.

Can I take your coat or your hat?

Oh, yeah, sure. Thanks.

Oh, wicked pic in the PennySaver, by the way.

Super classy, not like those people

with the fake woods in the background.

Honestly, who do they think they're fooling?

You found us in the PennySaver?

Hi. Mark Loring. I'm the husband.

How you doing?

- Mac MacGuff. - Nice to meet you. Hi.

This is Gerta Rauss, our, um, attorney.

[ exaggerated German accent ]: Gerta Rauss.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

And this, of course, is Juno.

Like the city in Alaska.

No.

No?

Hon? Shall we sit down, get to know one another?

Well, I thought I'd get some drinks.

What would anyone like?

I have Pellegrino or vitamin water or...

orange juice with...

I'll have a Maker's Mark, please. Up.

MAC: She's kidding.

June bug has a wonderful sense of humor,

just one of her many genetic gifts.

I'll sit down.

So, Juno, first off, how far along are you?

I'm a junior.

No, I mean, in your pregnancy.

Oh, right.

Um, well, actually my step mom

took me yesterday to the doctor, and they said I was 12 weeks.

VANESSA: That's great. That's marvelous.

So you're into your second trimester.

Uh... yeah.

[ giggles ]

Apparently. I'm due on May fourth.

Great.

My girlfriends tell me

that the first couple of months are the hardest.

I didn't notice it at all, actually.

Uh, I'm more concerned about when they have to put

that, like, elastic band, you know,

in the front of my jeans.

I think pregnancy's beautiful.

Oh, you're lucky it's not you.

Let's talk about how we're gonna do this thing.

What do you mean, don't I just

have the thing, squeeze it on out and hand it over?

Mark and Vanessa are willing to negotiate an open adoption.

Uh, wait,

what does that mean?

It means they'd send annual updates, photos,

let Juno know how the baby is doing.

As he, or she, grows up.

Whoa, whoa. No, no, no, no, no.

I don't want photos or any kind of notification.

You know. I mean...

Can't we just, like, kick this old school?

You know, like, l-I stick the baby in a basket

send it your way, like Moses in the reeds?

Technically, that would be kicking it Old Testament.

[ laughs ]: Exactly. Right?

Do you know what I mean?

Like in the good old days, when it was quick and dirty.

Well, then... we all agree?

A traditional closed adoption

would be best for all involved.

Shit. Yes.

Just close 'er on up.

Obviously we

would compensate you for all your medical expenses.

Are you looking for any other type of compensation?

Excuse me?

What? No.

No, I don't want to, you know, sell the thing.

I just... I want...

I just want the baby to be with people who are gonna love it

and be good parents, you know?

Um...

I mean, l-I'm in high school.

Dude, I'm-I'm just... I'm ill-equipped.

Well, you're doing a beautiful

and a selfless thing for us.

Vanessa's wanted a baby ever since we got married.

I want to be a mommy so badly.

- [ laughs ] - You don't say.

Have you ever felt like you were just born to do something?

MAC: Yes.

Heating and air-conditioning.

There you go.

I was born to be a mother.

Some of us are.

How about you, Mark? Are you, uh...

Looking forward to being a dad?

Mmm. Betcha.

Yeah.

Every guy wants to be a father,

wants to coach the soccer team

and help out with the science fair...

the volcano goes off... I don't know.

[ laughs ]: Yeah. All that.

VANESSA: Maybe Gerta could take us through

the preliminary documents that you've drawn up.

JUNO: Sweet. Yeah, uh,

could I use the facilities first?

'Cause being pregnant makes me pee like Seabiscuit.

Sure. The downstairs bathroom's being retiled,

but if you go upstairs

and then to the right and to the...

Oh, yeah. The room with the toilet.

Is she all right?

[ laughs softly ]

[ scary growl ]

- Oh! It's you. - Sorry.

Sorry. I didn't expect to see you up here.

Just came up to get something.

Did your wife send you up here to spy on me?

No. What? Do we come off as paranoid yuppies or something?

Well, I... I stole a squirt of your wife's perfume.

- Really? - It's Clinique Happy.

Get a whiff of those sparklin' top notes.

Oh, yeah. That supposed to make me feel... happy?

You should feel happy, homes.

I'm giving you and Vanessa the gift of life...

sweet, screaming, pooping life...

and you don't even have to be there

- when it comes out all covered in, um... - Viscera.

Blood and guts.

Uh... Whoa!

Is that a Les Paul?

Yes, it is.

Vanessa gave me my own room for all my stuff.

She gave you your own room in... in... in...

in your whole house for your... for your stuff?

Wow. She's got you on a long leash there, Mark.

Oh, it's beautiful!

You know, I always loved Gibson more than Fender. Like, just...

What do you play?

Um... I rock a Harmony.

Oh.

- Is it mahogany? - Yeah.

And what happens if you crack the neck?

I mean, that must be, like, a bitch to...

Tell me about it. I used to play

in this real tight band when I lived in Chicago, and this

one night we opened up for the Melvins,

and I busted that thing right onstage. It cost me $800

just to get it fixed.

Whoa. So... so when was that? Was that, like...?

'93. Best time for rock 'n' roll.

Nuh-uh!

'77! Are you...?

- What?! - Punk, volume number one!

You're crazy.

You weren't there.

You couldn't understand the magic.

You weren't even alive!

What's that?

It's a Pilates machine.

What do you make with it?

You don't make anything.

It's for exercising.

Yeah, my wife ordered one of those, uh...

Tony Little "Gazelles" off the TV.

You know, from the guy with the ponytail?

Guy just doesn't look right to me.

[ guitar strumming, Mark singing in distance ]

I'll be right back.

Excuse me.

♪... really want to ♪

♪ Really, really want to, and I do, too ♪

- ♪ I want to be... ♪ - Hi.

Hi.

You're playing music.

Juno wanted a little closer look at Kimber.

Your guitar is named Kimber?

- Yeah. - That's cool. My ax is named Roosevelt,

but after Franklin, not Ted.

Franklin... he was the hot one with the polio?

Yeah. Um... hey, Gerta's downstairs.

We still have...

we still have a lot of stuff to go over and do.

I got it. I got it.

- You got it? - Got it.

Not to interrupt the jam session, but...

Just look these over.

If you have any questions, call me at my office.

We would really appreciate if you would just, you know,

keep us updated on any doctor's appointments

or ultrasounds or anything of that nature,

- if it's not too much... - No. Right. For sure.

You want to know how your kid's a-cookin'. I get it.

You think you're really going to do this, then?

Yeah. Yeah. No. I... I like you guys. Yeah.

How sure would you say you are?

Like... Would you say you're 80% sure,

or 90% sure or...?

I'm going to say I'm about 104% sure.

Really?

Here you go, sir.

No, seriously, if I could just have the thing,

and give it to you now, I totally would.

But I'm guessing it looks, probably,

like a sea monkey right now,

and, you know, we should let it get a...

get a little... get a little cuter.

- Right? - Yes. - That's great.

Keep it in the oven.

I think that's a great idea.

Nice to meet you both.

- You, too. - Please drive carefully.

- Hopefully, we'll hear from you soon. - Thank you.

- VANESSA: Thank you. - All right. You take care.

MARK: All right. Bye-bye.

Hmm?

- Honey... - [ sympathetic whine ]

Come here.

[ sympathetic whine ]

♪ I'm sticking with you ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm made out of glue ♪

♪ Anything that you might do ♪

♪ I'm gonna do, too... ♪

Hey, man.

Hey, Vijay. How's it going?

- Did you hear? Juno MacGuff's pregnant. - Yeah.

- Like our moms and teachers. - Yeah.

Did you hear it's yours?

Yep.

What a trip, huh?

I don't really know too much about it.

You should grow a mustache.

I can't.

Me neither.

But I'm going to stop wearing underpants.

Raise my sperm count.

See ya.

♪ 'Cause I'm made out of glue ♪

♪ Anything that you might do ♪

♪ I'm gonna do, too. ♪

- Juno, hey. - Hey, Bleek.

Me and some guys are going to go to the movies after school,

and we're going to doughnut that flick

with the guy who has 18 kids.

You want to come?

Oh, it... sounds awesome, but I got my ultrasound.

Oh, really?

Can I, uh...

Should I come, you think?

Aw, you... you can't waste those...

those doughnut holes there.

I... But maybe I could, you know, drop by later.

- [ bell ringing ] - Okay. Cool.

Later, Bleek.

See ya.

I'll save you a seat.

There's your baby.

- Ah! - Oh!

Oh, my God!

There's a hand.

- Oh! - Oh!

And an arm.

And there's the feet.

Oh!

Would you look at that?

Whoa! Check out Baby Big Head!

Dude, that thing is freaky looking.

Excuse me... I am a sacred vessel,

all right? All you've got in your stomach is Taco Bell.

It's amazing that there's actually saps

that cry at this.

What? I'm not made of stone.

Well, there you have it.

Would you like to know the sex?

- Yes. - No.

- Please, Juno. Please! - No. Definitely no. There's no sex.

Planning to be surprised when you deliver.

Well, no, I want Mark and Vanessa to be surprised,

and if you told me,

I'll just, like, ruin everything.

Are Mark and Vanessa your friends at school?

No, no, no. They're the adoptive parents.

Oh. Well, thank goodness for that.

What's that supposed to mean?

I just see a lot of teenage mothers come through here.

It's obviously a poisonous environment

to raise a baby in.

How do you know that I'm so poisonous, you know?

Like, what if these adoptive parents

turn out to be, like, evil molesters?

Or, like, stage parents?

They could be utterly negligent.

Maybe they'll do a far shittier job of raising a kid

than my dumbass stepdaughter ever would.

Have you considered that?

No. I guess not.

Yeah. What is your job title exactly?

I'm an ultrasound technician, ma'am.

Well, I'm a nail technician,

and I think we both ought to stick to what we know.

Excuse me?

Oh, you think you're so special

'cause you get to play picture pages up there?

My five-year-old daughter

could do that, and let me tell you,

she's not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed.

So why don't you go back to night school in Manteno

and learn a real trade?

Bren, use a dick!

I love it!

♪ Dearest, though you're the nearest to my heart ♪

♪ Please don't ever ♪

♪ Ever say we'll part ♪

♪ You scold ♪

♪ And you are so bold ♪

♪ Yes, together, yeah ♪

♪ I'm going to treat you right ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm going to treat you right. ♪

[ doorbell chimes ]

Juno. Wow! I didn't expect to see you here.

I... I have something really cool to show you guys.

Is Vanessa here?

Uh... nope.

Actually, she's working late tonight.

She's trying to accrue as much time off

as she can before the...

Oh, right. I hear these are quite the time suck.

Yeah. You want to come on in?

I'm just having a ginseng cooler.

Would you like one?

What is it with you rich people

and your herb-infused juices?

It's probably got something to do

with those 44-packs they come in.

They're not bad, though.

Wait a second. Why aren't you at work?

I work mostly from home. I'm a composer.

No shit?

Like Johann Brahms or...?

No. More commercial stuff.

Like what?

Commercials.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Have you seen the ads for the Titanium Power men's deodorant?

Mmm! Uh-huh. Mmm-hmm.

[ heavy metal style ]: ♪ Titanium Power-r-r-r ♪

♪ Get more snatch by the baa-atch. ♪

Right. Paid for this kitchen.

Whoa!

You're quite the sellout, Mark.

I mean, what would the Melvins say?

Did you say you had something to show me?

Behold, good sir, your future child.

Hey, look at that.

I think it looks like my friend Paulie.

Is he also bald and amorphous?

No. He's the dad.

Oh. Wow.

Can you tell if it's a boy or a girl?

Um... I can't.

The doctor can.

But I kind of want it to be a surprise.

Well, it can only go one of two ways.

That's what you think.

I mean, I drink tons of booze,

so you might end up with one of those scary neuter babies

that's born without junk.

Junk, huh?

Yeah. You know, its parts.

- I know what junk is. - Yeah, right.

We definitely want it to have some junk. Please.

You don't need to worry about a thing.

My step mom, Bren, makes me eat super healthy, you know?

I can't stand in front of the microwave,

and no red M&Ms... I hope you're ready.

Ooh. Do you hear that?

What?

This is my favorite song.

This is Sonic Youth doing "Superstar" by the Carpenters.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know the Carpenters.

Chick drummer, freaky dude not unlike the White Stripes.

You haven't heard the Carpenters like this.

Just listen.

♪ Your guitar ♪

- ♪ It sounds so sweet and clear... ♪ - Yeah. Yeah, I like this.

What... what did you say your favorite band was?

Didn't. It's a three-way tie between

the Stooges, Patti Smith and the Runaways.

I am definitely making you some CDs,

at least while my kid's in there.

♪ Don't you remember you told me you love me, baby... ♪

The Wizard of Gore?

That is Herschell Gordon Lewis.

- He's the ultimate master of horror. - [ sputters ]

Please! Dario Argento is so the ultimate master of horror.

Argento? He's... he's all right.

But Lewis is completely demented.

Okay? We're talking about buckets of goo.

I mean, there's red corn syrup all over the place.

There's fake brains coming out the yin-yang.

Quite frankly, this looks a little stupid.

Give me the tape.

- [ eerie music playing ] - [ screaming ]

Ugh... [ laughing ]

This is even better than Suspiria.

What'd I tell you?

Kudos.

You have decent taste in slasher movies.

Here's to dovetailing interests.

Have you guys thought of any names for the baby yet?

Uh, sort of, yes.

Vanessa likes Madison for a girl.

Madison?

Wait, hold on.

Isn't that, like, a little... gay?

Wow, pretentious much?

Should everyone just have a mysterious name like Juno?

No... you see, my dad went through this huge obsession

with Roman and Greek mythology.

- So he decided to name me after Zeus' wife. - I got it.

Zeus, like, he had tons of lays,

but I'm pretty sure Juno was his only wife.

And she was supposed to be, like, really beautiful, but really mean.

Like Diana Ross.

That suits you.

Thanks?

You are something else.

Ah...

[ garage door opening in distance ]

There's Vanessa. You'd better go.

What? Why?

She hates when I sit around and I watch movies

and I don't contribute.

No, I'll handle this.

I'm really good at defusing mom-type rage.

No, no, Juno...

- Hey, seriously... - Hey, Mark, where are you?!

- I got some stuff... - Hey, Vanessa.

- Juno. What's going on? - Oh, nothing.

- What are you doing here? What's wrong? - I went to the doctor today.

Is something wrong with the baby?

The baby's great.

It's the right size and everything.

I even saw its phalanges today.

Here.

It's a baby.

- Oh... - It's your baby.

Kind of looks like it's waving, you know.

Like it's saying...

"Hey, Vanessa, will you be my mom?"

Oh, it kind of does.

Right?

Juno was nice enough to bring that over for us today.

Yeah, I came as soon

as I got that ultrasound goo off my pelvis.

It was crazy actually.

My step mom verbally abused the ultrasound tech

and we got escorted off the premises.

Wow, what kind of swag did you score?

MARK: Mall madness, huh?

It's just some stuff I picked up for the baby.

Don't you usually get all that stuff at like a baby shower?

'Cause my step mom... she was pregnant with my little sister

and she got a million gifts, you know?

But I wasn't jealous,

'cause they all super lame.

I doubt anyone's going to throw us a shower.

Why wouldn't they throw you a baby shower?

VANESSA: I don't think people know...

how to feel about the situation

because it's... not set in stone.

What isn't set?

No, no, no, no, no.

You don't think that I'm going to flake out on you?

No, I don't, Juno.

We went through a situation before

where it didn't work out.

Yeah, cold feet.

Oh.

You should have gone to China.

You know, 'cause I hear they give away babies

like free iPods.

You know,

they pretty much just put them in those T-shirt guns

and shoot them out at sporting events.

Your parents are probably wondering where you are.

Nah. I mean, I'm already pregnant,

so what other kind of shenanigans could I get into?

Though, I should... I should probably bounce.

Hey, don't forget your bag.

Oh, bag.

Thank you.

Okay, take care.

[ door opening ]

Where the hell have you been, June bug?

I just drove to St. Cloud to show Mark and Vanessa the ultrasound.

I ended up staying for a couple hours.

A couple hours?!

What are you going over there in the first place?

Oh, they just... you know, they wanted to know about the stuff

and I said I'd keep them updated, so I did.

Well, you could have mailed it to them.

Why would you drive an hour out to East Jesus Nowhere?

♪ Mm-mm! ♪ I just did.

You know, and while Mark and I were waiting for Vanessa,

we, uh, we watched The Wizard of Gore

and then he burnt me

a couple CDs of this weird music.

So, it was cool. He's kind of cool.

Juno, you can't just drop in on them like that.

No, it... it was not a big deal.

He was totally cool with it.

You don't understand.

Mark is a married man.

There are boundaries.

Oh, come on.

Listen, Brenda...

Now you're acting like you're the one

who has to go through this.

Like you're the one who has to get huge

and shove a baby out of your vag for someone else.

And what does it even matter if he's married?

I can have friends that are married.

It doesn't work that way, kiddo.

You don't know squat about the dynamics of marriage.

You don't know anything about me.

I know enough.

We don't even have a dog.

Yeah, we don't have a dog

because you're allergic to their saliva.

I have sacrificed a lot

for you, Juno, and in a couple years, when you move out,

I'm going to get Weimaraners.

Oh, dream big.

Oh, go fly a kite!

Hey, Juno.

What can I do for you?

Uh, Bleeker home?

Bleeker's mom was possibly attractive once,

but now she looks like a hobbit.

You know the fat one that was in The Goonies?

Hey, man.

Don't concentrate so hard.

I think I can smell your hair a-burnin'.

Hey, what's up?

Not much. I just... wanted to come say hey.

I mean, I miss like... just hanging out with you

on school nights, you know.

Orange tic tacs are Bleeker's one and only vice.

The day I got pregnant,

his mouth tasted really tangy and delicious.

Boy, you really...

really seem to be getting, uh, pregnant-er these days.

Yeah.

You know, I set up this whole private adoption,

and this... this married couple

in like St. Cloud, they're... they're going to be the parents.

- So, it's... - Really?

Yeah.

Wow, what are they like?

Well, I mean, the guy... he's awesome.

His name is Mark and, um...

he likes old horror movies

and he plays the guitar.

We actually hung out this afternoon.

Is that normal?

Probably not, but...

Listen, I talked

to Dad and Bren and they said they wouldn't narc you out to your folks, so...

Okay.

I think we should be cool, you know?

That's a relief.

I'm gonna start looking like a pretty big dork soon.

You still going to think I'm cute when I'm huge?

I always think you're cute.

I think you're beautiful.

Geez, Bleek.

I do.

Hey, June bug, you know, when this is all over

we should get the band back together.

Yeah. I mean, that would be... that would be awesome.

I mean, once Tino gets the new drumhead,

we're just, like, ready to rock.

And, I mean, we could...

we could always get back together, too.

It's an option.

Oh... were we together?

Yeah, we were once, you know... that... that time.

What about Katrina De Voort?

You could totally go out with Katrina De Voort.

I don't like Katrina.

She smells like soup.

I mean, have you ever smelled her?

And her whole house smells like soup.

Okay...

So we have custard and cheesecake.

They're yellow.

Right. I wanted to pick something that was gender-neutral

until we get the baby and then we can just add

a more decisive palette.

Why does everybody think yellow is gender-neutral?

- I don't know any guy with a yellow bedroom. - It's for babies.

I'm thinking more custard.

Just with this light.

I don't know, maybe I should I should paint a larger swatch

or just try it on a different wall...

Or you can wait a few more months.

Like the baby's going to come storming in here

demanding dessert-colored walls.

What to Expect says that readying the baby's room

is an important process for the woman.

Especially if you're adopting.

It's called "nesting."

Nesting?

Yeah.

Are you going to build a crib out of sticks and spit?

Hmm?

Well, you should read the book.

I flagged the daddy chapters. They're...

I think it's too early to paint.

That's my opinion.

I disagree.

This wall is going to need something.

Our first family photo right in the middle.

Right up there.

Can you see it?

Yum! This pretzel tastes like a friggin' donut.

Well, share the love, sweetie.

No, you can't have any.

She's assaulting me.

She's denying me fresh-baked goodness.

- Oh, my God. - What?

That's her.

That's Vanessa Loring.

Of the PennySaver Lorings?

Dude, she's, like, really pretty.

You sound, like, totally shocked or something.

She's totally going to, like, steal that little kid for her collection.

Right? Seriously.

Boring.

Ah...

Oh, I could so go for, like, a huge cookie right now

with, like, a lamb kebab simultaneously.

God, spermie, must you always feed?

It's like never ending, pretty much, you know.

Juno!

- Hi. - Hi, Juno.

Vanessa, what, what brings you to the mall today?

I was just shopping, you know, with my girlfriends, and...

You're gay?

- No. - Oh, please, just ignore her.

Okay.

Well, how are you feeling?

Great. Everything's stupendous, you know.

Oh, coming in on that snooze button.

Wow. It's incredible.

Huh. Oh, God.

What?

Kicking... kicking away.

Could... could I feel it?

Are you kidding?

Oh.

God, that's cool.

Everyone's just, like, grabbing my belly all the time.

It's crazy, but I'm a legend, you know.

They call me the cautionary whale.

I can't feel anything.

It's not moving for me.

Well, you should try talking to it,

'cause, like, supposedly they can hear you

even though it's all, like, 10,000 leagues under the sea.

[ clears throat ]

Hi, baby.

Um...

It's me.

It's... Vanessa.

I can't wait to meet you.

Can you hear me, baby?

Sweet angel?

I felt him!

Oh, God.

That was magical.

[ cooing ]

[ quietly ]: Thank you. Thank you.

[ guitar playing ballad intro ]

♪ Elope with me, Miss Private ♪

♪ And we'll sail around the world ♪

♪ I will be your Ferdinand and you my wayward girl ♪

♪ How many nights of talking in hotel rooms can you take? ♪

♪ How many nights of limping 'round some pagan holidays? ♪

♪ Oh, elope with me in private ♪

♪ And we'll set something ablaze ♪

♪ A trail for the devil to erase... ♪

♪ And... if you can't, if you can't decide ♪

♪ Between a little breakfast and lunch ♪

♪ Why don't you microwave yourself ♪

♪ A little bowl of brunch? ♪

[ phone ringing ]

Hello?

Hey!

Hi.

So, um,

I've been listening to that

really weird CD that you made me.

Yeah, what's the verdict?

Well, it's cute.

"It's cute"?

When you're used to listening

to the raw power of Iggy and The Stooges,

everything else just sounds kind of like...

precious in comparison.

Well, I imagine you've got a collection of punk chestnuts

to prove your point.

Well... consider it your musical education.

Can't wait to see what you've got to teach me.

Stop surfing porn and get back to work.

[ chuckles ]

I just wanted to call and say hi.

Right. Go learn something.

I'll have a little trip down Mexico way.

And Greece and China apparently.

How many months has it been now?

You're getting huge.

Oh, it's honing in on eight.

You should see how weird I look naked.

I wish my fun bags would get bigger.

God, trust me, you don't.

I have to actually wear a frickin' bra now

and rub all this nasty cocoa butter stuff on myself

so, like... I don't know, my skin won't explode.

Hot.

[ humming ]

Why is everyone always staring at me?

Well, you are kind of convex, you know.

Whoa-uh!

Who's been doing their geometry homework for once?

I have no choice.

Keith's been grading me, like, so hard lately.

Do not call Mr. Connors Keith.

Why?

'Cause my barf reflex is really heightened these days.

But Keith's hot.

JUNO: Ew, he's all beardy.

Did you hear that Bleek is going to prom with Katrina De Voort?

Katrina?!

No, way, no, he doesn't like Katrina.

Must be, like, a pity date or something.

I heard he asked her.

And that they're going to Benihana

and then prom and then Vijay's parents' cabin.

Oh, what're you talk...

He told me that Katrina's house smells like soup.

Oh. Oh, my God, it totally does.

I was there, like, four years ago for a birthday party.

Oh, my God, it's like Lipton Landing.

But, you know, boys have endured way worse things for nookie.

Oh, please.

There is no way that they're having sex.

I mean, they wouldn't even be holding hands.

Oh, I wouldn't be so sure. He did it with you.

Yeah, 'cause Bleek trusts me, you know.

We're best friends.

Are you jealous?

I thought you said you didn't care what he did.

Not jealous, don't care.

It's just, I know Bleek doesn't like Katrina, you know.

He shouldn't toy with her emotions like that,

'cause she seems pretty nice.

Uh-huh, I'm really convinced.

You know, prom is for weenuses anyway.

As soon as you you're old enough to go, it's so not cool anymore.

Are you honestly and truly going to prom with Katrina De Voort?

Uh, hi.

Leah just-just said that you were going to go with her.

Yeah, I did ask her if she wanted to go.

Um, a bunch of us from the team

are going to go to Benihana and then go to the prom

and then go to Vijay's parents' cabin,

so...

We-we-we're getting a stretch limo.

Your mom must be pretty stoked that you're not taking me.

You're mad. Why are you mad?

I'm not mad. I'm in a...

I'm in a great mood.

I mean, despite the fact that well, I'm in a fat suit

that I can't take off and despite the fact

that pretty much everyone's making fun of me behind my back

and despite the fact that your little girlfriend

gave me the stink eye in art class yesterday...

Katrina's not my girlfriend, all right?

And I doubt that she gave you the stink eye.

That's just... the way her face looks, you know.

That's just her face.

Yeah, what... You-you just take Soupy Sales to prom.

I can think of so many cooler things to do that night.

Like, you know what, Bleek? I might pumice my feet.

I might go to Bren's dumb Unitarian Church.

Maybe get hit by a truck full of hot garbage juice, you know,

'cause all those things would be exponentially cooler

than going to prom with you.

You're being really immature.

You have no reason to be mad at me.

I mean, you know, you broke my heart.

I... I should be royally ticked off at you, you know.

I should be really cheesed off.

I shouldn't want to talk to you anymore.

Ooh, what, 'cause I got bored and had sex with you

and I didn't want to, like, marry you?

Like I'd marry you? You'd be the meanest wife ever,

okay? And I know that you weren't bored that day,

because there was a lot of stuff on TV,

and-and the Blair Witch Project was coming on Starz.

And you were like, "I haven't seen this since it came out."

And if so, we should watch it.

And then but, "Oh, no, we should make out instead," la, la, la.

[ scoffs ]

You just, you just take Katrina the douche packer to prom.

I'm, I'm sure you two will have, like, a real bitchin' time.

Well, I still have your underwear.

I still... I have your virginity.

Would you shut up?

What, are you ashamed that we did it?

No.

Because at least you don't have to have

the evidence under your sweater.

I'm a planet.

Wait, wait, let me get your bag.

You shouldn't be carrying...

What's another ten pounds?

[ sighs ]

[ fast-tempo guitar intro playing ]

♪ Monday morning wake up ♪

♪ Knowing that you got to go to school♪

♪ Tell you mum what to expect ♪

♪ She says it's right out of the blue ♪

♪ Do you want to work in Debenham's? ♪

♪ 'Cause that's what they expect ♪

♪ Start in lingerie, and Doris is your supervisor ♪

[ car engine starts ]

♪ And the head said that you always ♪

♪ Were a queer one from the start ♪

♪ For careers, you say you want to be remembered for your art ♪

- [ knocking ] - ♪ Your obsession gets you known ♪

♪ Throughout the school for being strange ♪

♪ Making life-size models... ♪

- Hi. Wow. - Hi.

Shirt's working hard.

Is Vanessa here?

No. We are safe.

Sweet.

I'm glad you're here.

I actually have something for you. Come here.

♪ And the rumor is you never go with boys and you are tight... ♪

Almost there.

♪ So they jab you with a fork ♪

♪ You drop the tray and go berserk... ♪

Whoa, Mark, is this the baby's room?

It's beautiful.

Oh, that's hilarious.

Now, this is where I keep all my old comics,

- Huh. - And I want to show you one.

You're one of those guys?

Take a look.

Huh?

Most Fruitful Yuki.

Mm-hmm.

Is this a pregnant superhero?

Isn't that great?

I found it in Japan when I was there with my band.

It reminds me of you.

- Hells, yeah! - Yeah.

This actually makes me feel way less of a fat dork.

Well, Yuki is a real bad-ass.

You should be very proud to be in the same condition.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

Oh, how about some tuneage?

- Tuneage? - Yeah.

- I got a bunch... - All right, don't look. Numero trois.

Not looking.

Um, okay, this one is actually kind of slow,

but it's Mott The Hoople, so it's still totally rad...

and hardcore.

[ rock intro begins ]

- What? - I know this one.

- You do? - Yeah.

This song is older than I am, if you can believe it.

I danced to this at my senior prom.

Who'd you dance with?

Cynthia Vogel. Great dance partner.

- She let me put my hands all over her butt. - Hot.

Very hot.

I can just totally picture you dancing

- like a total dork. - [ chuckles ]

Actually...

her hands...

were there.

I put my hands down here.

Th-this, this... this is how we did it in '88.

- Like this? - Just like this.

Have you ever been to a dance before?

Dances are for nerds and squares.

What are you?

I don't know.

Does it feel like there's something between us?

[ both chuckle ]

- ♪ All the young dudes ♪ - ♪ Hey, dudes ♪

♪ Carry the news ♪

♪ Where are you? ♪

♪ Stand up ♪

♪ Carry the news ♪

I'm leaving Vanessa.

♪ Carry the news ♪

- What?! - Getting a place in the city.

Got it all planned.

This is something I've been wanting to do for a long time.

- No. - No?

No, you definitely... can't do that.

That's one big, fat sack of... no!

- What is the matter? - Wh... di... I...

I mean... you guys are supposed to take care of this, you know?

- I thought you'd be cool with this. - Cool?

L-I want things to be perfect.

I don't want them to be shitty and broken

like everyone else's family.

Look, I'll have the baby,

and Vanessa's going to be so happy.

You just...

A baby's not going to fix everything, besides I don't know

if I'm even ready to be a father.

But you're old.

[ scoffs ]

How do you think of me?

You know, why are you over here?

I... I just like being

a piece of furniture in your weird life.

This? This is what my life has become.

I mean, you know, I got stuff in boxes.

You know, I'm underground.

That's appealing to you?

- Is this my fault? - No.

Is Vanessa, like, mad at you because of me or something?

That's got nothing to do with it.

Vanessa and I aren't in love anymore.

Well, you were in love when you married her.

And if you're in love once, you can be in love again

like my friend, Leah, who's been with the same guy,

like, four different times.

- You're just not trying hard enough. - I'm such an idiot.

I can't believe what an idiot I am.

No, no, you know what, Mark...

Just do not divorce your wife.

Will you please just do me a solid

and stay with Vanessa?

You're so young.

Oh, I'm not that young. Okay, I'm 16.

All right, I'm old enough to know when someone's

acting like a total a-hole.

Oh, and you know what?

I bought another Sonic Youth album and it sucks!

It's just noise.

Juno? What's going on?

Nothing.

Why are you crying?

I'm not crying,

I'm just allergic to fine home furnishings.

Hold on. What's the matter?

What's the matter?

Just a little hormonal.

Right, Juno?

Just part of the process.

What did you do?

I didn't do anything.

Just, um...

I've been thinking...

- What? - You know, I've just...

I'm thinking if this is the right thing.

What are you talking about?

Just wondering if it's...

just wondering if we're ready.

Yeah, we're ready.

We're ready. We've read the books.

We've taken all the classes.

We've have a nursery

- that is completely... - Vanessa.

I know we're prepared.

I'm just wondering if...

I'm ready.

Wait a minute.

Wait, Juno,

don't listen to him.

He's just got cold feet.

He's just being a guy.

The books all say the same thing.

"A woman becomes a mother when she gets pregnant.

A man becomes a father when he sees his baby."

He's going to get there.

- He's... he's going to get there. - It happened so fast.

You know, we put the ad in the paper

and I thought that it was going to take months, if at all,

and then, two weeks later, she's on that couch.

Well, she answered our prayers.

Ever since then, it's been, like, a ticking clock.

What are you saying?

That it feels a little like bad timing.

What would be a good time for you, Mark?

There's just some things that I still want to do.

Like what? Be a rock star?

Don't mock me.

I'm just saying that this is...

this is something that's never going to happen.

You know...

your shirt is stupid.

Grow up.

If I have to wait for you to become Kurt Cobain,

I'm never going to be a mother.

I never said I'd be a good father.

[ door opens ]

[ engine starting ]

[ tires screeching ]

[ crying ]

[ crying ]

[ engine starting ]

[ strumming ]

♪ ♪

I called Gerta Rouse and she said that

she can represent both of us.

It's called a "collaborative divorce."

It's all the rage right now, supposedly.

It'd be pretty easy

'cause we don't have any children.

Thanks for making the call, I guess.

Have you found a place to stay yet?

Yeah, downtown.

A hotel?

No, it's not a hotel, it's a loft.

Well, aren't you the cool guy.

I wanted a baby so bad.

I know.

[ knocking ]

[ engine accelerates, tires screech ]

This looks like a bill from Jun...

It's for me.

[ engine idling ]

[ engine stops ]

[ car door opens, closes ]

JUNO: I never realize how much I like being home

unless I've been somewhere really different for a while.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, big puffy version of June bug.

Where you been?

Oh, just out dealing with things way beyond my maturity level.

[ sighs ]

Where is everybody?

Well, Bren took Liberty Bell to her tot ice-skating class.

When will you guys learn that tots can't ice-skate?

You're looking a little morose, honey.

What's eating you?

Oh...

I'm just, like, losing my faith with humanity.

Wow, can you narrow that down for me?

I just... wonder if, like,

two people can stay together for good.

You mean, like couples?

Yeah, like... people in love.

Are you having boy trouble?

'Cause I got to be honest, I don't really much approve

of you dating in your condition.

That's... that's kind of messed up.

- No, Dad, it's not... - I mean, that's pretty skanky.

Isn't that what you girls call it... skanky?

- Skivvy? - Please stop.

Tore up from the floor up?

That's... that's not what it's about, it...

I just... I need to know that it's possible

that two people can stay happy together forever.

Well, it's not easy, that's for sure.

And, uh, I don't have the best track record in the world,

I know, but...

I've been with your stepmother for ten years now,

and, um, I'm proud to say, we're very happy.

Look...

in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person

who loves you for exactly what you are.

Good mood, bad mood...

ugly, pretty...

handsome, what have you.

The right person's still gonna think

the sun shines out your ass.

That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.

Yeah.

Yeah, and I think I've found that person.

Yeah, sure you have... your dear old D-A-D.

[ stammers ]

You know I'll always be there to love you and support you

no matter what kind of pickle you're in.

Obviously.

Dad, I think I'm just gonna like... shove out for a sec,

but I won't be home late.

Okay.

You were talking about me, right?

Oh, yeah.

- Come on! - Tic tac ahoy!

♪ The flower said, "I wish I was a tree" ♪

♪ The tree said, "I wish I could be a different kind of tree" ♪

♪ The cat wished that it was a bee ♪

♪ The turtle wished that it could fly ♪

♪ Really high into the sky ♪

♪ Over rooftops and then dive deep into the sea ♪

♪ And in the sea there is a fish ♪

♪ A fish that has a secret wish ♪

♪ A wish to be a big cactus with a pink flower on it ♪

♪ And in the sea there is a fish ♪

♪ A fish that has a secret wish ♪

♪ A wish to be a big cactus with a pink flower on it... ♪

Hi.

Hey, did you put, like,

a hundred things of tic tacs in my mailbox?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was me.

Why?

Well, you know, they're your fave,

and, uh, I mean, you can never have too many of your favorite

one-calorie breath mints.

So, I just thought I'd...

Yeah, well, thanks.

I, uh, I think I'm pretty much set

until college on the tic tac front.

You know, Bleek, I was thinking...

and I'm sorry I was such a huge bitch to you.

You don't deserve it.

It's okay, you know... it's okay.

And also, um...

I think I'm in love with you.

You mean, as friends?

No. I mean, for real.

'Cause you're, like, the coolest person I've ever met,

and you don't even have to try.

I try really hard, actually.

You're, like, naturally smart,

and you're not like everyone else.

You don't stare at my stomach all the time.

You look at my face, and every time I see you,

the baby starts kicking super hard.

It does?

Wizard.

I think it's 'cause my heart starts pounding

every time I see you.

Mine, too.

That's all I could ask for.

You're golden, man.

Can we make out now?

Yeah.

♪ I like boys with strong convictions ♪

♪ And convicts with perfect diction ♪

♪ Underdogs with good intentions ♪

♪ Amputees with stamp collections ♪

♪ I like boys that like their mothers ♪

♪ And I have a thing for... ♪

Hey, you know,

you could go into early labor sucking face like that.

♪ We're not lovers ♪

♪ You're so nice ♪

♪ And you're so smart ♪

♪ You're such a good friend, I have to break your heart ♪

♪ I'll tell you that I love you ♪

♪ Then I'll tear your world apart ♪

♪Just pretend I didn't tear your world apart... ♪

Dad!

What?!

Dad, either I just peed my pants or, um...

Or?!

Thundercats are go!

Fall out! Fall out!

You okay?

- Do you have the admittance form? - Got 'em!

What about the parking stickers?

I got 'em! You got Liberty Bell?!

Oh, Liberty Bell. Oh, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie!

♪ You're so nice and you're so smart ♪

We're gonna have a baby! Yeah! Here we go!

♪ You're such a good friend I have to break your heart ♪

All right, go!

- ♪ I'll tell you that I love you ♪ - Aah!

- Aah! - ♪ And I'll tear your world apart ♪

♪Just pretend I didn't tear your world apart... ♪

Breathe! Breathe!

Out of the way! Out of the way!

BRENDA: Stop it. For God's sake, stop it.

- Don't do that. - What?

- Don't... - But it's fun!

Ow, ow, fuckity, ow!

God, Bren, when do I get the friggin' spinal tap thing?!

It's called a spinal block,

and you can't have it yet, honey.

The doctor said you're not dilated enough.

Oh, come on! I mean, it's like...

I have to wait for it to get worse?

Why can't I just have the friggin' thing now?

Well, honey, doctors are sadists who like to play God

and watch lesser people scream.

[ yells ]

Oh, shit! Uh, excuse me!

Hey, could we give my kid the damn spinal tap already?!

- [ screaming ] - Breath and push.

- That's good. - Keep pushing.

- Keep pushing, keep pushing... - [ screaming ]

[ medium-tempo acoustic guitar intro playing ]

♪ You're a part-time lover and a full-time friend ♪

♪ The monkey on your back is the latest trend ♪

♪ I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else ♪

- ♪ But you... ♪ - ♪ I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of the train... ♪

JUNO: And then, out of nowhere, there it was...

there he was.

♪ Here is the church and here is the steeple ♪

♪ We sure are cute for two ugly people... ♪

JUNO: I decided not to call Bleeker

to tell him that I was having the baby.

He had a big meet against Manteno

and I didn't want him to get all worried about me.

ANNOUNCER: Paulie Bleeker has just broken a district record...

J UNO: But he figured it out anyway.

♪ Do, do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do, do-do ♪

♪ But you. ♪

Someday, you'll be back here, honey...

on your terms.

[ rushing footsteps approach ]

Hi.

Nice legs.

[ slow, gentle guitar intro ]

♪ Come with me ♪

♪ My love ♪

♪ To the sea... ♪

JUNO: Bleeker decided he didn't want to see the baby.

Neither did I really.

He didn't feel like ours.

♪... How much... ♪

I think he was always hers.

[ baby crying ]

Would you like to meet your son?

I have a son.

♪ Do you remember when we met ♪

♪ That's the day ♪

♪ I knew you were my pet ♪

♪ I wanna tell you... ♪

I'm gonna...

♪ How much... ♪

I'm your...

- ♪ I love you... ♪ - Oh.

Is this... Am l...

[ baby cries ]

How do I look?

Like a new mom.

Scared shitless.

♪ Come with me ♪

♪ My love ♪

♪ To the sea ♪

♪ The sea of love ♪

♪ I wanna tell you ♪

♪ How much... ♪

It ended with a chair.

♪... I love you ♪

♪ Mm-mm ♪

♪ Mm-mm... ♪

♪ I took the Polaroid down in my room ♪

♪ I'm pretty sure you have a new girlfriend ♪

♪ It's not as if I don't like you ♪

♪ It just makes me sad whenever I see it ♪

♪ 'Cause I like to be gone most of the time... ♪

As boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss.

He is the cheese to my macaroni.

And I know people are supposed to fall in love

before they reproduce,

but I guess normalcy isn't really our style.

♪... he didn't want a ride ♪

♪ And I never met a Toby that I didn't like... ♪

Hey.

Hey.

♪... that I recommended, even if he didn't... ♪

Ready?

Yeah.

♪ You're a part-time lover ♪

♪ And a full-time friend ♪

♪ The monkey on your back is the latest trend ♪

♪ I don't see what anyone can see ♪

♪ In anyone else ♪

♪ But you... ♪

♪ Here is the church and here is the steeple ♪

♪ We sure are cute for two ugly people ♪

♪ I don't see what anyone can see ♪

♪ In anyone else ♪

♪ But you... ♪

♪ We both have shiny happy fits of rage ♪

♪ I want more fans, you want more stage ♪

♪ I don't see what anyone can see ♪

♪ In anyone else ♪

♪ But you... ♪

♪ You're always trying to keep it real ♪

♪ And I'm in love with how you feel ♪

♪ I don't see what anyone can see ♪

♪ In anyone else ♪

♪ But you... ♪

♪ I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train ♪

♪ I kiss you all starry-eyed ♪

♪ My body swings from side to side ♪

♪ I don't see what anyone can see ♪

♪ In anyone else ♪

♪ But you... ♪

♪ The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me ♪

♪ So why can't you forgive me? ♪

♪ I don't see what anyone can see ♪

♪ In anyone else ♪

♪ But you... ♪

♪ Do, do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do, do-do ♪

BOTH: ♪ Do, do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do, do-do ♪

♪ I don't see what anyone can see ♪

♪ In anyone else ♪

♪ But you. ♪

[ acoustic guitar intro ]

♪ Loose lips might sink ships but loose gooses take trips ♪

♪ To San Francisco double Dutch disco ♪

♪ Tech TV hottie, do it for Scotty ♪

♪ Do it for the living and do it for the dead ♪

♪ Do it for the monsters under your bed ♪

♪ Do it for the teenagers and do it for your mom ♪

♪ Broken hearts hurt but they make us strong and ♪

♪ We won't stop until somebody calls the cops ♪

♪ And even then we'll start again ♪

♪ And just pretend that nothing ever happened ♪

♪ We won't stop until somebody calls the cops ♪

♪ And even then we'll start again ♪

♪ And just pretend that nothing ever happened ♪

♪ We're just dancing, we're just hugging ♪

♪ Singing, screaming, kissing, tugging ♪

♪ On the sleeve of how it used to be ♪

♪ How's it gonna be? ♪

♪ I'll drop kick Russell Stover ♪

♪ Move into the Starting Over house ♪

♪ You know Matt Rouse and Jest are watching me ♪

♪ Achieve my dreams ♪

♪ While we strive to figure out a way we can survive ♪

♪ These trying times without losing our minds ♪

♪ Shysters live from scheme to scheme ♪

♪ But my 4th quarter pipe dreams are seeming more ♪

♪ And more worth fighting for ♪

♪ My war paint is Sharpie ink ♪

♪ And I'll show you how much my shit stinks ♪

♪ And ask you what you think ♪

♪ Because your thoughts and words are powerful ♪

♪ They think we're disposable ♪

♪ Well both my thumbs opposable ♪

♪ Spelled out on a double word and triple letter score and ♪

♪ We won't stop until somebody calls the cops ♪

♪ And even then we'll start again ♪

♪ And just pretend that nothing ever happened ♪

♪ We won't stop until somebody calls the cops ♪

♪ And even then we'll start again ♪

♪ And just pretend that nothing ever happened ♪

♪ We're just dancing, we're just hugging ♪

♪ Singing, screaming, kissing, tugging ♪

♪ On the sleeve of how it used to be. ♪

[ song ends ]

[ acoustic guitar intro ]

[ guitar and drums join in ]

[ guitar, drum and xylophone playing ]

[ music stops ]

[ guitar strumming ]

♪ I am a vampire, I am a vampire ♪

♪ I am a vampire, I am a vampire ♪

♪ I am a vampire, vampire, I am a vampire ♪

♪ I have lost my fangs ♪

♪ I am a vampire, I am a vampire ♪

♪ I am a vampire ♪

♪ I have lost my fangs ♪

♪ So I'm sad and I feel lonely ♪

♪ So I cry and I'm very angry ♪

♪ And I ate some garlic ♪

♪ So I'm no more sad and ache ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, I am a vampire ♪

♪ And I'm looking in the city for the pretty girls ♪

♪ Don't look at me ♪

♪ Don't look at me ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't have my fangs ♪

♪ 'Cause I have lost my fangs ♪

♪ I am a vampire, I am a vampire ♪

♪ I have lost my mouth again ♪

♪ I am a vampire, I am a vampire ♪

♪ I have lost my mouth again ♪

♪ So I get one and I slept ♪

♪ So I eat popcorn and I brood and wait ♪

♪ And I sing with my best friend the king ♪

♪ And I want to play the guitar ♪

♪ But my guitar is out of tune ♪

♪ I am a vampire ♪

♪ And I'm looking in the city but the musical ♪

♪ Don't play with me ♪

♪ Don't play with me ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't have my mouth again ♪

♪ 'Cause I have lost my mouth again. ♪

[ The end ]