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Subtitles by explosiveskull
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Dear Diary,
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I was never that girlwho was into fairytales.
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I always thought Snow White was boring.
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Rapunzel was kind of a slut.
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And Cinderella was certifiably insane.
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I know I've technicallybeen complicit in a few murders, but...
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at least I don't talk to rats.
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But now I know the real reasonI never liked fairytales
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is because they alwaysend in the wrong place.
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Who cares aboutthe dress and the slipper
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and the ball and the talking animals.
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I want to see
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after happily ever after.
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I want to see Cinderellaand the Prince fight.
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I want to see them tear each other apartand put each other back together again.
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Then... and only then
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will it truly be a fairytale.
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She ruined the play.
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I heard it was terrible.
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-She threw up all over Amita.
-Oh, my God.
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Everybody's talking about it.
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Hello, Heather.
We've been waiting for you.
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Heathers. This is Heather.
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-Hi, Heather.
-Hi, Heather.
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Now, Heather,
you had something to share?
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Well... I feel betrayed.
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My protégé, who I literally made,
stole my spotlight.
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-It's not your fault.
-Trust no bitch.
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-I know.
-Thank you, Heather.
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Who's next?
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Well, I'm here because
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I'm having some issues with my career.
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My brand got trashed.
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And then I had this starring vehicle,
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and that fell apart because
of witchcraft, so now it's like,
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what's my thing, you know?
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-Just let it out.
-You'll get through this, girl.
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-You always do.
-Thank you, Heather.
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-Who's next?
-Okay, fine, I'll go.
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I'm here because I hate my friends.
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One best friend tried to kill me.
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Then my other best friend killed
herself, without even running it by me.
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And my third best friend ruined my
reputation and... fat-shamed me!
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I mean, what is wrong with everyone?
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And do you have anything to share,
Heather?
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Well...
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I am amazing.
I'm perfect. I have it all.
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And yet...
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my oldest friend, Heather Duke,
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basically...
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Basically, made fun of me.
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So, I guess that's why I'm here.
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I mean,
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what have I ever done wrong?
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So, do we all see a pattern here?
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There's a common thread
in all of these stories.
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-Jealous bitches?
-Ignorant plebes?
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-Broke down, stank ass queefs?
-No, Heathers.
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-The problem... is you.
-What?
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-Me?
-How is that possible?
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How could I be the problem, troll witch?
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-What are you saying?
-I'm saying,
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maybe it's time you faced it.
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We Heather Chandlers are having
all of these problems,
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not because of other people,
but because...
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we are not a good person.
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-Not a good per--
-This bitch, I swear to God.
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-Look at me! I am a victim.
-Are you joking?
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You do not know who you're fucking with.
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It's true. I've been there.
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I was where you all are now, but...
I changed
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and I know there is a way out.
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The road to being a good person
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is long.
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But the first step starts
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with making amends.
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-Apologize?
-To who?
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-To everyone you've ever hurt.
-But that could take years!
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I'm sorry, but it's the only way.
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The first step starts with saying...
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I'm sorry.
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Don't you think Heather M would be
proud of how far we've come?
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Heather Chandler's a total pariah.
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I'm the most popular kid in school
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and you've finally learned
how to apply foundation.
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Thanks, Heather.
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Okay, fine.
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And you and JD are still going strong.
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I wonder what I'll wear to your wedding?
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Something tasteful but that still
makes me the center of attention?
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Yeah.
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Well, if I ever get married
just promise me you'll wear all black
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because that will be my death.
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I mean, just like...
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JD and I are too in love
to do something as lame as marriage.
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That's for normal people, and...
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Well, JD and I aren't normal.
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He understands me.
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I mean, it took a little work, but...
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now we're finally on the same page.
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More than I ever thought possible.
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Veronica, I was hoping
all this sex you're having
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would finally deep dick the quote
of the day out of you but I guess not?
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Even the famous Heather Duke wit
can't bring me down.
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Hey, you wanna ditch gym
and go get Slushees?
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Only if you come out with me tonight
to celebrate Heather M's birthday.
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Oh, do you want to go to Gondalo's?
Heather loved that place.
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Gondalo's?
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Heather M wouldn't want us
to celebrate her birthday
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over chips and up-chuck con queso.
We're seniors.
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She'd want us to spend her special night
doing something she truly loved.
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Going to a bar
and getting older men to buy us drinks.
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I'm sorry I called you
a moldy potato-bug orgy.
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I'm sorry I told you you were adopted
before your parents had the chance.
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I'm sorry I told you you couldn't
pull off French braids.
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No one can,
but I shouldn't have singled you out.
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I'm sorry I made you
change your name to Maurice.
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It's okay, it suits me.
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I'm sorry I got your mom fired
from the pretzel stand at the mall.
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I'm sorry I told everyone you slept with
those two hatchet face bitches
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who work
at the pretzel stand at the mall.
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I'm sorry I got your mom fired
from the pretzel stand at the mall.
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I'm sorry.
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Why are you doing this?
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Because I'm trying
to be a better person.
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You are sick.
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What kind of wicked game
are you playing, Heather?
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Just hear me out.
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Heather, I'm sorry for pantsing you
at the Sizzler in fifth grade.
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I'm sorry I sold your underwear
to the Japanese.
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And I'm sorry I told everyone
I have a bigger dick than you.
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That's only true metaphorically.
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I'm sorry I created an online account
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in the voice of your weird mole thing.
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And I'm sorry it has 43,000 followers.
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And I'm sorry I gave an interview
to Slate about it.
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So that's it. You're sorry?
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-Yes.
-You,
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Heather Chandler,
are suddenly a better person?
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I'm trying to be, yes.
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-What day is it?
-Friday?
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And?
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It's Heather M's birthday.
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Oh, should we go to that toilet water
Mexican place she loved, like old times?
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You didn't even remember Heather M's
first birthday after her suicide.
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All these other twist-ties,
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they may have fallen
for your little apology tour.
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But you haven't changed.
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Heather M died and you don't even
have the decency to wear black.
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So, go have fun at Gondalo's alone,
Heather.
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I hope Heather M is looking down on you
from heaven,
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judging the shit out of your hairline.
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-Brianna.
-If you're going to hit me
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please do it below my waist
where I can't feel anymore.
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00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:34,960
I'm sorry I yelled at you
for trying to kill yourself.
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And I'm sorry for yelling at you
for being nice to me after the show.
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And I'm sorry for nicknaming you
"Trailer Parker," which...
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while hilarious, was not very nice.
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It's okay, Heather.
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-Really?
-Yes.
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Forgiveness is
one of my favorite things.
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It gives me this warm feeling inside.
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-Jesus died so that we could forgive.
-Organized religion is a disease...
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I mean...
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Thank you for accepting my apology.
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Did you know Heather McNamara?
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Today was her birthday.
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Of course, I remember her.
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-She would bully me several times a day.
-Oh, right.
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00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:21,838
And I always appreciated how funny
she was when she would humiliate me.
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I mean, sometimes you get bullied
and it's just plain mean,
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but she would always add something
clever to the mix.
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So, I'm thankful for that.
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Would you like to come with me to her
fave Mexican restaurant tonight?
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I want to honor her.
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A sit-down food store?
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Oh, yes!
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Great.
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So, this is Gondalo's.
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It's a dump, but they serve booze
to minors, so Heather loved it.
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I feel like I'm in Spain already.
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I'm just gonna operate under
the assumption that you don't understand
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doing things ironically,
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so just order the quesadilla,
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and, I don't know...
like it, I guess?
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Heather M would always eat
five bites of one on her birthday.
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I'm so sorry for your loss.
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You know, I think I can
make your hair work.
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00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:47,638
We'll have to shave it off and then
burn it of course, but...
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Heather?
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00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:04,640
Let's do a shot in honor
of Heather M's birthday.
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Two banana Schnapps
and yes, we're over 21
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and thank you,
we know we don't look it.
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00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:18,718
It feels like just yesterday I was
yelling at Heather for being a slut.
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I miss her.
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To Heather.
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00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:28,040
To Heather.
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00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:39,398
Which of these assholes do you think
Heather would have been into?
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00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:42,160
The poorest one with the least
amount of prospects?
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00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:46,078
Oh, mon dieu.
202
00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:49,880
Look who's over there with that bootleg
Heather McNamara-looking thing.
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00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:54,878
Mr. Waters?
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00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:56,718
What a piece of shit.
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00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:59,158
Poor girl.
She needs a mani, not a pedo.
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00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:01,000
Didn't he learn
his lesson the first time?
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00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:06,758
If I actually cared about
other human beings,
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00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:08,238
I would take him out back
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00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:12,000
and make sure he's never a menace
to the girls of Westerburg again.
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00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:15,560
I love that.
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00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,840
Everyone in that room killed Heather.
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00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:24,638
Heather McNamaraand Mr. Waters to the office.
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00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:27,600
I was thinking if there was moreI could have done.
214
00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:36,878
What is happening?
Why are you touching me?
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00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:39,198
So sorry. Reflex.
I was gonna say grace.
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00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:40,680
Do you mind?
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00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:44,400
Okay.
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00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:48,158
Dear Jesus,
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00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:50,718
I know you don't have much time
to think about me anymore,
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00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:53,958
and despite my love for you, have
seen fit to take the use of my legs.
221
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,678
But you have mercifully left me
with a working tongue,
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00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:59,798
which I intend to use
to enjoy this delicious meal.
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00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:01,560
Thank you, Lord. Amen.
224
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:05,840
My prayer came true.
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00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,120
We'll take this whole column,
thank you.
226
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:13,918
You know, I'm fine with the chips
and the tomato water.
227
00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:16,238
You're afraid of ethnic food.
228
00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:19,438
It's okay, it's just the same four
ingredients in different combinations.
229
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:22,960
It's not that.
I had this kind of food in Guatemala.
230
00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:26,798
Wait. You've been to Guatemala?
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00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:30,238
As a kid.
You know, missionary work.
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00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,998
Digging wells, giving out medicine.
233
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,518
I didn't realize that poor people
could also do charity.
234
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:38,398
Of course, silly.
There's always people you can help.
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00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:40,198
And these people are truly poor.
236
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:42,680
Poorer than you?
And you still believe in God? Wow.
237
00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:46,120
I mean... Sorry.
238
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,360
That's great that you help people.
239
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:54,400
Heather, can I get something
off my chest?
240
00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:58,038
You know,
even though my cable is scrambled,
241
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:01,038
I have seen several segments
of the movie Carrie,
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00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:04,278
and so I think I have an idea
of where this night is going.
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00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:07,998
I just ask, if you're gonna dump
some manner of pig blood on me,
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00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:09,678
please do it after we eat?
245
00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:13,518
What?
You think I'm gonna Carrie you?
246
00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:16,358
-Why would you think that?
-Well, I just assumed, since--
247
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:18,680
I'm a fucking good person,
you bitch.
248
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:26,160
Here, let me prove it to you.
249
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:30,000
I'll let you take a selfie with me.
250
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:32,840
Give me your phone.
251
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:36,598
Get on in here.
252
00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:38,520
Okay, here we go.
253
00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:40,838
Cheese.
254
00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:42,240
I think I got it.
255
00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:49,360
Could you post it?
I'm... out of minutes.
256
00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:56,358
I'm sorry, I literally don't understand
what you're saying.
257
00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:59,598
Rebecca, love is just an idea.
A theory.
258
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:01,398
An antiquated one at that.
259
00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:02,958
You know what love is?
260
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:05,798
Ownership.
I know you don't want that, right?
261
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:08,958
Give me your car keys.
I'll claw his eyes out.
262
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:11,478
Love is a concept developed
by the visually-privileged
263
00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:15,398
that seeks to control others.
You're too beautiful to be controlled.
264
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:17,278
I think I should go. I...
265
00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:19,558
No, no.
Come on, just one more drink.
266
00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:21,038
Two whiskeys.
267
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:24,358
It's just that I don't really
feel comfortable in places like this.
268
00:17:24,360 --> 00:17:26,158
I guess I thought you were
a good person, Rebecca,
269
00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:28,238
but maybe I was wrong.
270
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:31,638
I mean, you said you'd have a few drinks
with me but I guess you lied.
271
00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:34,358
It's fine. It's okay.
You can go.
272
00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:36,118
I just didn't really peg you as a liar,
that's all.
273
00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:38,078
No. I mean, I...
274
00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:40,878
Sure. I guess I could have another.
275
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:42,678
Great.
276
00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:45,640
Your make-up is messed up.
Go fix yourself.
277
00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:51,278
But babe, if I objectify you,
278
00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:53,078
that's a compliment.
279
00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:54,558
It's Kurt.
280
00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:57,918
Because I love beautiful objects.
281
00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:02,158
What if I die tomorrow? Then you'd
feel bad. Of course, you would.
282
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:04,918
Besides, I miss your cute little mouth.
283
00:18:04,920 --> 00:18:06,480
I'll be right back.
284
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:17,518
Hey, you don't know me but that guy
you're with is a really bad dude.
285
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:19,038
Oh, he's harmless.
286
00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:21,118
No, look I know that you think that,
287
00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:24,158
but please believe me when I tell you
that you're wrong.
288
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:28,118
You are in danger. You just need to go
straight out that back door and go home.
289
00:18:28,120 --> 00:18:31,198
-He means well.
-I saw him put something in your drink.
290
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,878
-What?
-Yes, just now.
291
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,278
-Shouldn't we call the police?
-Yeah, in Sherwood?
292
00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:38,118
They're just gonna find some way
to blame you.
293
00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:40,160
Well, I wouldn't want him
to hurt some other girl.
294
00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:45,000
Don't worry.
It won't happen again.
295
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:47,560
I promise.
296
00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:07,518
What a bitch.
297
00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:10,398
And I put sunscreen on all over my body,
every day.
298
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:12,598
Can I have some of this?
And then I put--
299
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:15,678
-I can give you like, a whole--
-Heather, we're going.
300
00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:17,440
But I'm talking to Barbara.
301
00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:20,518
She's a poet.
302
00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:21,840
Good luck.
303
00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:28,278
You know what I love about you,
Veronica?
304
00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:30,998
You don't give a shit
what anybody thinks.
305
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:36,678
You will boldly walk around school with
those split ends and you don't care.
306
00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:38,398
Oh, you should get a platinum bob!
307
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:40,238
I want that to be your hair journey.
308
00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:42,478
Where are we going?
I want a grilled cheese.
309
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:44,000
Why are we stopping?
310
00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:47,238
Just stay here. Okay?
311
00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:49,960
There's something
I have to take care of.
312
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:58,358
Today marks the anniversary of the daythat this leafy suburb
313
00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:01,118
was rockedby the murder of a little girl.
314
00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:04,640
A murderer dubbed the Croquet Killer.
315
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:08,598
Why have the Sherwood, Ohio police
316
00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:12,718
let this case go unsolved for so long?
317
00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:16,598
Well, you know what?If the local police won't do their job
318
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:20,480
and find this monsterwho's killing our children,
319
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:23,040
then I will.
320
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:26,918
That's right, Sherwood.You can sleep tonight because
321
00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:30,558
someone is finally doing rightby little Lucy.
322
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:33,198
We are digging upthat little girl's dead body.
323
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:36,558
We are digging it right upfresh out of the ground.
324
00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:39,758
And trust and believewhen we test that DNA,
325
00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:43,278
we will find the sickand twisted individual
326
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:45,838
who did this and bring themto justice.
327
00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:47,240
Shit.
328
00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:50,558
-Greetings and salutations, my dear.
-I thought
329
00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:53,280
-tonight was your girls' night out.
-Change of plans.
330
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:57,278
-What'd you have in mind?
-We're young.
331
00:20:57,280 --> 00:21:02,480
We're free. Let's make out, get Slushees
and avenge Heather M's suicide.
332
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:09,238
I know Maui is pretty developed,
333
00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:11,278
but it's the only place
with half-decent sashimi.
334
00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:13,640
I hope I get to see the ocean
before I die.
335
00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:19,158
Okay, time to run.
I'll meet you in the parking lot.
336
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:20,678
-It's fine.
-I'll wheel through the kitchen.
337
00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:23,480
Trailer... I mean, Brianna.
I'll pay.
338
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:28,198
-Wow.
-It's my dad's card.
339
00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:30,798
He wouldn't send me to Tokyo this year,
so he can choke on my charges.
340
00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:32,280
Thank you.
341
00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:37,718
Other than the state of Ohio, no one's
ever purchased a meal for me before.
342
00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:39,518
Really?
343
00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:43,160
-Maybe I am a good person.
-Of course, you're a good person.
344
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:46,598
You're confident, you're direct,
345
00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:48,958
you don't care what anyone thinks,
346
00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:52,720
and anything you put your mind to,
you achieve it.
347
00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:58,358
You'd be surprised how many people
disagree with you.
348
00:21:58,360 --> 00:22:00,200
Honestly...
349
00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:02,600
they're jealous.
350
00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:08,598
Heather, the reason why you think
you're better than everyone else
351
00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:10,520
is because you are.
352
00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:14,800
Brianna...
353
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:19,480
you are my Guatemalan well.
354
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:25,478
Do you drink?
355
00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:27,758
-Oh, I don't know if the Lord--
-Allows it?
356
00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:30,798
Yes. Jesus bought wine
for the Bible people, right?
357
00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:32,318
-I guess so?
-Great,
358
00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:34,560
then we're getting
margaritas. Cadillacs.
359
00:23:23,120 --> 00:23:24,840
Cheerio, asshole.
360
00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:35,038
Whatever it is you're thinking of doing,
361
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:36,598
it's not too late to stop.
362
00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:39,358
What am I thinking of doing, Mr. Waters?
363
00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:42,878
Mr. Waters?
You-- You're a student.
364
00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:45,678
So, you're young, with a bright future.
365
00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:48,838
Look, whatever your feelings are
about me right now,
366
00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:50,440
don't throw away your life on this.
367
00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:53,680
Maybe you should have given
that speech to Heather McNamara.
368
00:23:55,080 --> 00:23:57,918
Heather. I loved Heather.
369
00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:01,078
Well, Heather was your student, so
love should have nothing to do with it.
370
00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:03,278
Heather wouldn't have wanted you
to do this.
371
00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:04,798
She loved me too.
372
00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:06,598
Speaking of love,
373
00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:08,438
maybe a knife through the heart
374
00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:10,118
is how you're gonna decide
to kill yourself.
375
00:24:10,120 --> 00:24:12,198
No, no. You don't have to do this.
376
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:16,280
Heather was one of the only good people
in this town and now she's gone.
377
00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:19,040
And I blame you.
378
00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:23,518
-Babe, you want to do the honors?
-No, no, babe.
379
00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:25,958
This is your thing.
You should do it.
380
00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:28,878
-No, no, you should get to do it.
-I insist.
381
00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:31,960
-You're so good to me.
-I just...
382
00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:36,640
I'm really proud of you.
383
00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:40,920
Shit!
384
00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:44,078
You're both going to jail,
you sick fucks!
385
00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:45,720
Veronica, I need a grilled cheese!
386
00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:49,800
You're that low-grade skeeve.
387
00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:54,238
That's for taking away
my only lesbian friend.
388
00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:56,880
You know how hard it is
to find one of those?
389
00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:03,678
Hey, freaks. I'm starving.
390
00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:05,718
Heather had a lot to drink tonight.
391
00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:07,798
And she's not gonna remember
any of this, I swear.
392
00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:10,720
-What a pedo.
-We should...
393
00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:18,360
I love this bitch.
394
00:26:06,480 --> 00:26:07,800
Help me!
395
00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:30,200
I love you, Veronica.
396
00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:34,560
I love you too, JD.
397
00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:49,998
You know what?
398
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:53,758
From now on, I'm going to start
hanging out with real people.
399
00:26:53,760 --> 00:26:56,038
No more friends
just because they're smart
400
00:26:56,040 --> 00:27:00,518
or hot or cool or interesting. No.
I want real people.
401
00:27:00,520 --> 00:27:02,000
Like you guys.
402
00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:06,158
I mean, Heather Duke wouldn't set foot
in a corn dump like this,
403
00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:08,038
let alone dig a well.
404
00:27:08,040 --> 00:27:11,118
You mean Heath? He has dug a well.
405
00:27:11,120 --> 00:27:14,438
-Several wells, with me.
-What?
406
00:27:14,440 --> 00:27:17,198
In Guatemala, at vacation Bible camp.
407
00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:20,358
Heather Duke... was a Christian?
408
00:27:20,360 --> 00:27:23,918
Oh, no. He was just
down there shooting a commercial
409
00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:25,998
for my church's special camp.
410
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:28,520
He wanted it for his... reel?
411
00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:34,118
Conversion therapy saved my marriage.
412
00:27:34,120 --> 00:27:36,238
Now I can focus on what really matters.
413
00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:38,798
Like digging wells for the poorin Guatemala!
414
00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:41,760
Conversion therapy.It just works!
415
00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:48,238
Thank you, Jesus.
416
00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:50,838
Brianna.
As my new best friend,
417
00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:52,640
I'm gonna need you
to text that to me right away.
418
00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:02,280
No, come on, let's get you to the sofa,
okay?
419
00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:14,158
Veronica, I'm like... sad.
420
00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:15,760
Here, you want some cookies?
421
00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:19,238
I miss Heather M.
422
00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:21,158
She was like,
423
00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:26,078
edgy and hot and like... dumb.
424
00:28:26,080 --> 00:28:28,558
Yeah, I know. I miss her too.
425
00:28:28,560 --> 00:28:30,800
But I think we would have made her
really proud tonight.
426
00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:36,240
-To Heather.
-Okay, to Heather.
427
00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:46,158
Let me tell you a secret.
428
00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:47,640
Okay.
429
00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:50,160
Heather Chandler...
430
00:28:51,800 --> 00:28:53,360
is a bitch.
431
00:28:54,520 --> 00:28:56,558
Okay. Let's just get you home, okay?
432
00:28:56,560 --> 00:28:58,878
I hate her. Tell me you hate her.
433
00:28:58,880 --> 00:29:01,638
-No, I don't hate Heather.
-Why?
434
00:29:01,640 --> 00:29:03,358
We have to hate the same people.
435
00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:06,680
-That's what friends do.
-Heather...
436
00:29:12,320 --> 00:29:13,720
Heather?
437
00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:33,920
"Dear cruel world.
438
00:29:34,960 --> 00:29:39,160
I could no longer live with myself.
439
00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:43,518
I was imprisoned..."
440
00:29:43,520 --> 00:29:46,720
"By my improper love for teenage girls.
441
00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:54,398
But that's not the only reasonI must end it all.
442
00:29:54,400 --> 00:29:56,918
I can no longer live with the guilt
443
00:29:56,920 --> 00:29:59,640
of murdering that poor little girleight years ago.
444
00:30:01,080 --> 00:30:03,558
My only solace is in the knowledgethat tonight,
445
00:30:03,560 --> 00:30:06,838
the parents of young little Lucywill finally rest well
446
00:30:06,840 --> 00:30:11,120
knowing the Croquet Killer no longerhaunts this mortal coil.
447
00:30:16,440 --> 00:30:17,760
Beautiful.
448
00:30:23,320 --> 00:30:24,720
You ready to go?
449
00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:50,840
I need coconut water.
450
00:30:57,000 --> 00:30:58,920
You're gonna make such a good mommy.
451
00:31:01,280 --> 00:31:03,120
I feel like I'm forgetting something.
452
00:31:05,200 --> 00:31:06,600
Good night.
453
00:31:11,080 --> 00:31:12,440
Good night, Heather.
454
00:31:17,320 --> 00:31:19,478
Now I can focus on what really matters.
455
00:31:19,480 --> 00:31:21,758
Like digging wells for the poorin Guatemala.
456
00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:24,920
Conversion therapy. It just works.
457
00:31:56,200 --> 00:31:58,200
Now I remember what I forgot to do.
458
00:32:16,280 --> 00:32:19,360
I see Bride of Chucky
wants to play games.
459
00:32:28,920 --> 00:32:31,838
Conversion therapy saved my marriage.
460
00:32:31,840 --> 00:32:34,880
How did that Ursula-looking pork bun
get this?
461
00:32:36,080 --> 00:32:38,400
Conversion therapy. It just works!
462
00:32:39,760 --> 00:32:42,400
Oh, no.
463
00:32:43,640 --> 00:32:46,838
And the best part about it washe deserved it.
464
00:32:46,840 --> 00:32:50,678
Sherwood is safer now...
because of us.
465
00:32:50,680 --> 00:32:53,400
-Okay, JD.
-Babe, don't you see?
466
00:32:54,600 --> 00:32:56,558
The world has failed.
467
00:32:56,560 --> 00:32:59,638
Assholes. Bullies. Pedophiles.
468
00:32:59,640 --> 00:33:01,918
Society failed to get rid of them
469
00:33:01,920 --> 00:33:04,558
but we, you and I,
470
00:33:04,560 --> 00:33:09,438
are succeeding in taking out the trash
the garbage trucks won't pick up.
471
00:33:09,440 --> 00:33:13,438
Can't we just have one night
where there's no society?
472
00:33:13,440 --> 00:33:15,758
No weight of the world?
473
00:33:15,760 --> 00:33:18,358
Just you and me.
474
00:33:18,360 --> 00:33:19,680
I'm sorry.
475
00:33:21,040 --> 00:33:23,720
I guess I'm just feeling
a little superior tonight.
476
00:33:33,400 --> 00:33:34,840
No more.
477
00:33:36,080 --> 00:33:37,680
Okay?
478
00:33:40,800 --> 00:33:43,200
We're done with all that for good now.
479
00:33:45,880 --> 00:33:47,360
Of course.
480
00:33:50,840 --> 00:33:52,200
Okay.
481
00:33:54,880 --> 00:33:57,680
I got to go study for my chem exam.
482
00:34:06,000 --> 00:34:07,440
Hey.
483
00:34:09,360 --> 00:34:11,200
Good luck on your exam.
484
00:34:25,600 --> 00:34:28,040
Chemistry is my favorite subject.
485
00:34:45,280 --> 00:34:47,758
Today we will finally learn
486
00:34:47,760 --> 00:34:51,280
the true identity of the Croquet Killer.
487
00:34:55,200 --> 00:34:57,360
Hold on. What?
488
00:34:58,680 --> 00:35:00,718
Son of a...
489
00:35:00,720 --> 00:35:02,798
Well, y'all?
490
00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:05,038
It's just as I suspected.
491
00:35:05,040 --> 00:35:08,278
There has been an astonishingturn of events.
492
00:35:08,280 --> 00:35:12,558
I'll tell you. Bill, can we pull upa picture of this human excrement.
493
00:35:12,560 --> 00:35:15,358
This man left a suicide note
494
00:35:15,360 --> 00:35:18,118
confessing that he murderedthis little girl
495
00:35:18,120 --> 00:35:20,278
and begging her parents for forgiveness.
496
00:35:20,280 --> 00:35:22,758
Well,it's a little late for that, creep!
497
00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:26,398
Luckily, the residents of Sherwood, Ohiocan sleep tonight
498
00:35:26,400 --> 00:35:29,678
knowing we have finally caughtthe Croquet Killer.
499
00:35:29,680 --> 00:35:31,318
I'm Lexi Anne.
500
00:35:31,320 --> 00:35:34,478
More on this startling revelationin a moment.
501
00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:36,598
Let's wrap it up, boys.
502
00:35:36,600 --> 00:35:37,960
Put her back.
503
00:35:50,200 --> 00:35:52,118
Veronica.
504
00:35:52,120 --> 00:35:53,958
-Pâté?
-Honey.
505
00:35:53,960 --> 00:35:55,520
Veronica's a vegetarian.
506
00:36:02,000 --> 00:36:03,518
That was great pâté, Dad.
507
00:36:03,520 --> 00:36:06,238
But I got to motor or I'm gonna be
late for homeroom.
508
00:36:06,240 --> 00:36:07,600
Bye.
39704
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