Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Dear Diary,

I was never that girl who was into fairytales.

I always thought Snow White was boring.

Rapunzel was kind of a slut.

And Cinderella was certifiably insane.

I know I've technically been complicit in a few murders, but...

at least I don't talk to rats.

But now I know the real reason I never liked fairytales

is because they always end in the wrong place.

Who cares about the dress and the slipper

and the ball and the talking animals.

I want to see

after happily ever after.

I want to see Cinderella and the Prince fight.

I want to see them tear each other apart and put each other back together again.

Then... and only then

will it truly be a fairytale.

She ruined the play.

I heard it was terrible.

-She threw up all over Amita. -Oh, my God.

Everybody's talking about it.

Hello, Heather. We've been waiting for you.

Heathers. This is Heather.

-Hi, Heather. -Hi, Heather.

Now, Heather, you had something to share?

Well... I feel betrayed.

My protégé, who I literally made, stole my spotlight.

-It's not your fault. -Trust no bitch.

-I know. -Thank you, Heather.

Who's next?

Well, I'm here because

I'm having some issues with my career.

My brand got trashed.

And then I had this starring vehicle,

and that fell apart because of witchcraft, so now it's like,

what's my thing, you know?

-Just let it out. -You'll get through this, girl.

-You always do. -Thank you, Heather.

-Who's next? -Okay, fine, I'll go.

I'm here because I hate my friends.

One best friend tried to kill me.

Then my other best friend killed herself, without even running it by me.

And my third best friend ruined my reputation and... fat-shamed me!

I mean, what is wrong with everyone?

And do you have anything to share, Heather?

Well...

I am amazing. I'm perfect. I have it all.

And yet...

my oldest friend, Heather Duke,

basically...

Basically, made fun of me.

So, I guess that's why I'm here.

I mean,

what have I ever done wrong?

So, do we all see a pattern here?

There's a common thread in all of these stories.

-Jealous bitches? -Ignorant plebes?

-Broke down, stank ass queefs? -No, Heathers.

-The problem... is you. -What?

-Me? -How is that possible?

How could I be the problem, troll witch?

-What are you saying? -I'm saying,

maybe it's time you faced it.

We Heather Chandlers are having all of these problems,

not because of other people, but because...

we are not a good person.

-Not a good per-- -This bitch, I swear to God.

-Look at me! I am a victim. -Are you joking?

You do not know who you're fucking with.

It's true. I've been there.

I was where you all are now, but... I changed

and I know there is a way out.

The road to being a good person

is long.

But the first step starts

with making amends.

-Apologize? -To who?

-To everyone you've ever hurt. -But that could take years!

I'm sorry, but it's the only way.

The first step starts with saying...

I'm sorry.

Don't you think Heather M would be proud of how far we've come?

Heather Chandler's a total pariah.

I'm the most popular kid in school

and you've finally learned how to apply foundation.

Thanks, Heather.

Okay, fine.

And you and JD are still going strong.

I wonder what I'll wear to your wedding?

Something tasteful but that still makes me the center of attention?

Yeah.

Well, if I ever get married just promise me you'll wear all black

because that will be my death.

I mean, just like...

JD and I are too in love to do something as lame as marriage.

That's for normal people, and...

Well, JD and I aren't normal.

He understands me.

I mean, it took a little work, but...

now we're finally on the same page.

More than I ever thought possible.

Veronica, I was hoping all this sex you're having

would finally deep dick the quote of the day out of you but I guess not?

Even the famous Heather Duke wit can't bring me down.

Hey, you wanna ditch gym and go get Slushees?

Only if you come out with me tonight to celebrate Heather M's birthday.

Oh, do you want to go to Gondalo's? Heather loved that place.

Gondalo's?

Heather M wouldn't want us to celebrate her birthday

over chips and up-chuck con queso. We're seniors.

She'd want us to spend her special night doing something she truly loved.

Going to a bar and getting older men to buy us drinks.

I'm sorry I called you a moldy potato-bug orgy.

I'm sorry I told you you were adopted before your parents had the chance.

I'm sorry I told you you couldn't pull off French braids.

No one can, but I shouldn't have singled you out.

I'm sorry I made you change your name to Maurice.

It's okay, it suits me.

I'm sorry I got your mom fired from the pretzel stand at the mall.

I'm sorry I told everyone you slept with those two hatchet face bitches

who work at the pretzel stand at the mall.

I'm sorry I got your mom fired from the pretzel stand at the mall.

I'm sorry.

Why are you doing this?

Because I'm trying to be a better person.

You are sick.

What kind of wicked game are you playing, Heather?

Just hear me out.

Heather, I'm sorry for pantsing you at the Sizzler in fifth grade.

I'm sorry I sold your underwear to the Japanese.

And I'm sorry I told everyone I have a bigger dick than you.

That's only true metaphorically.

I'm sorry I created an online account

in the voice of your weird mole thing.

And I'm sorry it has 43,000 followers.

And I'm sorry I gave an interview to Slate about it.

So that's it. You're sorry?

-Yes. -You,

Heather Chandler, are suddenly a better person?

I'm trying to be, yes.

-What day is it? -Friday?

And?

It's Heather M's birthday.

Oh, should we go to that toilet water Mexican place she loved, like old times?

You didn't even remember Heather M's first birthday after her suicide.

All these other twist-ties,

they may have fallen for your little apology tour.

But you haven't changed.

Heather M died and you don't even have the decency to wear black.

So, go have fun at Gondalo's alone, Heather.

I hope Heather M is looking down on you from heaven,

judging the shit out of your hairline.

-Brianna. -If you're going to hit me

please do it below my waist where I can't feel anymore.

I'm sorry I yelled at you for trying to kill yourself.

And I'm sorry for yelling at you for being nice to me after the show.

And I'm sorry for nicknaming you "Trailer Parker," which...

while hilarious, was not very nice.

It's okay, Heather.

-Really? -Yes.

Forgiveness is one of my favorite things.

It gives me this warm feeling inside.

-Jesus died so that we could forgive. -Organized religion is a disease...

I mean...

Thank you for accepting my apology.

Did you know Heather McNamara?

Today was her birthday.

Of course, I remember her.

-She would bully me several times a day. -Oh, right.

And I always appreciated how funny she was when she would humiliate me.

I mean, sometimes you get bullied and it's just plain mean,

but she would always add something clever to the mix.

So, I'm thankful for that.

Would you like to come with me to her fave Mexican restaurant tonight?

I want to honor her.

A sit-down food store?

Oh, yes!

Great.

So, this is Gondalo's.

It's a dump, but they serve booze to minors, so Heather loved it.

I feel like I'm in Spain already.

I'm just gonna operate under the assumption that you don't understand

doing things ironically,

so just order the quesadilla,

and, I don't know... like it, I guess?

Heather M would always eat five bites of one on her birthday.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You know, I think I can make your hair work.

We'll have to shave it off and then burn it of course, but...

Heather?

Let's do a shot in honor of Heather M's birthday.

Two banana Schnapps and yes, we're over 21

and thank you, we know we don't look it.

It feels like just yesterday I was yelling at Heather for being a slut.

I miss her.

To Heather.

To Heather.

Which of these assholes do you think Heather would have been into?

The poorest one with the least amount of prospects?

Oh, mon dieu.

Look who's over there with that bootleg Heather McNamara-looking thing.

Mr. Waters?

What a piece of shit.

Poor girl. She needs a mani, not a pedo.

Didn't he learn his lesson the first time?

If I actually cared about other human beings,

I would take him out back

and make sure he's never a menace to the girls of Westerburg again.

I love that.

Everyone in that room killed Heather.

Heather McNamara and Mr. Waters to the office.

I was thinking if there was more I could have done.

What is happening? Why are you touching me?

So sorry. Reflex. I was gonna say grace.

Do you mind?

Okay.

Dear Jesus,

I know you don't have much time to think about me anymore,

and despite my love for you, have seen fit to take the use of my legs.

But you have mercifully left me with a working tongue,

which I intend to use to enjoy this delicious meal.

Thank you, Lord. Amen.

My prayer came true.

We'll take this whole column, thank you.

You know, I'm fine with the chips and the tomato water.

You're afraid of ethnic food.

It's okay, it's just the same four ingredients in different combinations.

It's not that. I had this kind of food in Guatemala.

Wait. You've been to Guatemala?

As a kid. You know, missionary work.

Digging wells, giving out medicine.

I didn't realize that poor people could also do charity.

Of course, silly. There's always people you can help.

And these people are truly poor.

Poorer than you? And you still believe in God? Wow.

I mean... Sorry.

That's great that you help people.

Heather, can I get something off my chest?

You know, even though my cable is scrambled,

I have seen several segments of the movie Carrie,

and so I think I have an idea of where this night is going.

I just ask, if you're gonna dump some manner of pig blood on me,

please do it after we eat?

What? You think I'm gonna Carrie you?

-Why would you think that? -Well, I just assumed, since--

I'm a fucking good person, you bitch.

Here, let me prove it to you.

I'll let you take a selfie with me.

Give me your phone.

Get on in here.

Okay, here we go.

Cheese.

I think I got it.

Could you post it? I'm... out of minutes.

I'm sorry, I literally don't understand what you're saying.

Rebecca, love is just an idea. A theory.

An antiquated one at that.

You know what love is?

Ownership. I know you don't want that, right?

Give me your car keys. I'll claw his eyes out.

Love is a concept developed by the visually-privileged

that seeks to control others. You're too beautiful to be controlled.

I think I should go. I...

No, no. Come on, just one more drink.

Two whiskeys.

It's just that I don't really feel comfortable in places like this.

I guess I thought you were a good person, Rebecca,

but maybe I was wrong.

I mean, you said you'd have a few drinks with me but I guess you lied.

It's fine. It's okay. You can go.

I just didn't really peg you as a liar, that's all.

No. I mean, I...

Sure. I guess I could have another.

Great.

Your make-up is messed up. Go fix yourself.

But babe, if I objectify you,

that's a compliment.

It's Kurt.

Because I love beautiful objects.

What if I die tomorrow? Then you'd feel bad. Of course, you would.

Besides, I miss your cute little mouth.

I'll be right back.

Hey, you don't know me but that guy you're with is a really bad dude.

Oh, he's harmless.

No, look I know that you think that,

but please believe me when I tell you that you're wrong.

You are in danger. You just need to go straight out that back door and go home.

-He means well. -I saw him put something in your drink.

-What? -Yes, just now.

-Shouldn't we call the police? -Yeah, in Sherwood?

They're just gonna find some way to blame you.

Well, I wouldn't want him to hurt some other girl.

Don't worry. It won't happen again.

I promise.

What a bitch.

And I put sunscreen on all over my body, every day.

Can I have some of this? And then I put--

-I can give you like, a whole-- -Heather, we're going.

But I'm talking to Barbara.

She's a poet.

Good luck.

You know what I love about you, Veronica?

You don't give a shit what anybody thinks.

You will boldly walk around school with those split ends and you don't care.

Oh, you should get a platinum bob!

I want that to be your hair journey.

Where are we going? I want a grilled cheese.

Why are we stopping?

Just stay here. Okay?

There's something I have to take care of.

Today marks the anniversary of the day that this leafy suburb

was rocked by the murder of a little girl.

A murderer dubbed the Croquet Killer.

Why have the Sherwood, Ohio police

let this case go unsolved for so long?

Well, you know what? If the local police won't do their job

and find this monster who's killing our children,

then I will.

That's right, Sherwood. You can sleep tonight because

someone is finally doing right by little Lucy.

We are digging up that little girl's dead body.

We are digging it right up fresh out of the ground.

And trust and believe when we test that DNA,

we will find the sick and twisted individual

who did this and bring them to justice.

Shit.

-Greetings and salutations, my dear. -I thought

-tonight was your girls' night out. -Change of plans.

-What'd you have in mind? -We're young.

We're free. Let's make out, get Slushees and avenge Heather M's suicide.

I know Maui is pretty developed,

but it's the only place with half-decent sashimi.

I hope I get to see the ocean before I die.

Okay, time to run. I'll meet you in the parking lot.

-It's fine. -I'll wheel through the kitchen.

Trailer... I mean, Brianna. I'll pay.

-Wow. -It's my dad's card.

He wouldn't send me to Tokyo this year, so he can choke on my charges.

Thank you.

Other than the state of Ohio, no one's ever purchased a meal for me before.

Really?

-Maybe I am a good person. -Of course, you're a good person.

You're confident, you're direct,

you don't care what anyone thinks,

and anything you put your mind to, you achieve it.

You'd be surprised how many people disagree with you.

Honestly...

they're jealous.

Heather, the reason why you think you're better than everyone else

is because you are.

Brianna...

you are my Guatemalan well.

Do you drink?

-Oh, I don't know if the Lord-- -Allows it?

Yes. Jesus bought wine for the Bible people, right?

-I guess so? -Great,

then we're getting margaritas. Cadillacs.

Cheerio, asshole.

Whatever it is you're thinking of doing,

it's not too late to stop.

What am I thinking of doing, Mr. Waters?

Mr. Waters? You-- You're a student.

So, you're young, with a bright future.

Look, whatever your feelings are about me right now,

don't throw away your life on this.

Maybe you should have given that speech to Heather McNamara.

Heather. I loved Heather.

Well, Heather was your student, so love should have nothing to do with it.

Heather wouldn't have wanted you to do this.

She loved me too.

Speaking of love,

maybe a knife through the heart

is how you're gonna decide to kill yourself.

No, no. You don't have to do this.

Heather was one of the only good people in this town and now she's gone.

And I blame you.

-Babe, you want to do the honors? -No, no, babe.

This is your thing. You should do it.

-No, no, you should get to do it. -I insist.

-You're so good to me. -I just...

I'm really proud of you.

Shit!

You're both going to jail, you sick fucks!

Veronica, I need a grilled cheese!

You're that low-grade skeeve.

That's for taking away my only lesbian friend.

You know how hard it is to find one of those?

Hey, freaks. I'm starving.

Heather had a lot to drink tonight.

And she's not gonna remember any of this, I swear.

-What a pedo. -We should...

I love this bitch.

Help me!

I love you, Veronica.

I love you too, JD.

You know what?

From now on, I'm going to start hanging out with real people.

No more friends just because they're smart

or hot or cool or interesting. No. I want real people.

Like you guys.

I mean, Heather Duke wouldn't set foot in a corn dump like this,

let alone dig a well.

You mean Heath? He has dug a well.

-Several wells, with me. -What?

In Guatemala, at vacation Bible camp.

Heather Duke... was a Christian?

Oh, no. He was just down there shooting a commercial

for my church's special camp.

He wanted it for his... reel?

Conversion therapy saved my marriage.

Now I can focus on what really matters.

Like digging wells for the poor in Guatemala!

Conversion therapy. It just works!

Thank you, Jesus.

Brianna. As my new best friend,

I'm gonna need you to text that to me right away.

No, come on, let's get you to the sofa, okay?

Veronica, I'm like... sad.

Here, you want some cookies?

I miss Heather M.

She was like,

edgy and hot and like... dumb.

Yeah, I know. I miss her too.

But I think we would have made her really proud tonight.

-To Heather. -Okay, to Heather.

Let me tell you a secret.

Okay.

Heather Chandler...

is a bitch.

Okay. Let's just get you home, okay?

I hate her. Tell me you hate her.

-No, I don't hate Heather. -Why?

We have to hate the same people.

-That's what friends do. -Heather...

Heather?

"Dear cruel world.

I could no longer live with myself.

I was imprisoned..."

"By my improper love for teenage girls.

But that's not the only reason I must end it all.

I can no longer live with the guilt

of murdering that poor little girl eight years ago.

My only solace is in the knowledge that tonight,

the parents of young little Lucy will finally rest well

knowing the Croquet Killer no longer haunts this mortal coil.

Beautiful.

You ready to go?

I need coconut water.

You're gonna make such a good mommy.

I feel like I'm forgetting something.

Good night.

Good night, Heather.

Now I can focus on what really matters.

Like digging wells for the poor in Guatemala.

Conversion therapy. It just works.

Now I remember what I forgot to do.

I see Bride of Chucky wants to play games.

Conversion therapy saved my marriage.

How did that Ursula-looking pork bun get this?

Conversion therapy. It just works!

Oh, no.

And the best part about it was he deserved it.

Sherwood is safer now... because of us.

-Okay, JD. -Babe, don't you see?

The world has failed.

Assholes. Bullies. Pedophiles.

Society failed to get rid of them

but we, you and I,

are succeeding in taking out the trash the garbage trucks won't pick up.

Can't we just have one night where there's no society?

No weight of the world?

Just you and me.

I'm sorry.

I guess I'm just feeling a little superior tonight.

No more.

Okay?

We're done with all that for good now.

Of course.

Okay.

I got to go study for my chem exam.

Hey.

Good luck on your exam.

Chemistry is my favorite subject.

Today we will finally learn

the true identity of the Croquet Killer.

Hold on. What?

Son of a...

Well, y'all?

It's just as I suspected.

There has been an astonishing turn of events.

I'll tell you. Bill, can we pull up a picture of this human excrement.

This man left a suicide note

confessing that he murdered this little girl

and begging her parents for forgiveness.

Well, it's a little late for that, creep!

Luckily, the residents of Sherwood, Ohio can sleep tonight

knowing we have finally caught the Croquet Killer.

I'm Lexi Anne.

More on this startling revelation in a moment.

Let's wrap it up, boys.

Put her back.

Veronica.

-Pâté? -Honey.

Veronica's a vegetarian.

That was great pâté, Dad.

But I got to motor or I'm gonna be late for homeroom.

Bye.