Original subtitles

Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

Sergeant Carter?

What is it, Pyle?

Hey, can I ask you some advice?

Later, Pyle. I'm going into town.

Well, so am I, that's what the advice is all about,

goin' into town.

You want to know how to get there?

No. More like what you do after you get there.

What do you mean, "After you get there"?

Well, I thought that you bein' a man of the world and all,

maybe you could give me some tips on what to do.

Well, maybe.

Mmm-mmm! That stuff sure smells good!

Just ask them at the PX for my special brand.

I sure wish I could meet a girl that smelled like that.

It's a very manly aroma, Pyle.

Must be some very lucky young lady waitin' on you in town.

Pyle...

Do you really want to hear something?

Well, yeah, exceptin' if it's a secret.

I don't want to hear no secret,

because then if it gets out, it'll look like I told when I didn't,

so if you don't mind, Sergeant... It's not a secret, Pyle!

That's good, because then if it gets out...

Do you want to hear this or don't you?

I'm just standin' here waitin'.

Pyle...

I think I finally found the girl who may be

Miss Right.

Really? What's her first name?

Diane!

Oh, Diane. Say, that's pretty. And I bet she's pretty, too.

Yeah, comes from a very wealthy background.

She's probably a debutante.

Well, think of that, a debutante.

Yeah, but she's very independent, though.

She has a job at a bar.

That's nice.

Hey, if I see y'all in town,

would you kind of walk her past me so I can say, "Hey"?

I don't think I ever seen a debutante.

If we run into you, sure.

Now, I'll see you later, Pyle.

Sergeant, you never did tell me.

Tell you what? What to do in town.

Oh.

I don't guess you'd want to tell me

where you meet girls like the one you met. That there debutante.

Don't let this get around, Pyle.

Yeah?

Well, there's this crazy, wild group, see,

that plays Chinese checkers at the U.S.O.

Shazam!

You know that I've been lookin' all over

for a place to play Chinese checkers.

There ain't nothin' more excitin'

than a good game of Chinese checkers.

Golly, Sergeant, I sure thank you.

Sure do. Chinese checkers.

I don't think I've played that since I left home.

$4, $5, $5.50.

$5.50 in tips all day.

How did you do? I didn't even make that.

Boy, Dixie, you know, we ought to quit this joint.

The tips are terrible, and the clientele is rotten.

Isn't the clientele rotten?

Look, I always told you the clientele here is rotten.

But it beats workin' in the laundry.

Hey.

Hey.

Look, don't be fresh.

Oh, I wasn't bein' fresh, ma'am.

I said "Hey" on account of I thought you said "Hey"

'cause you thought you knew me.

Back home, we say "Hey" to everybody,

whether we know 'em or not. It's real friendly-like.

So, hey. What language is that?

No, when this other lady said "Hey" to me,

I thought she said "Hey" to me because she was...

Will you just knock it off? Will you knock it off?

Say that again. Huh?

What you just said. Say it again.

Knock it off!

That's it. You know you sound just like my sergeant.

Like what?

What I mean is, that's a compliment.

He's such a nice feller and all,

even though he does yell a whole lot.

Who's yelling?

No, it's just that, if you wanted to sound like a feller,

you couldn't think of a nicer one than...

I'm on my way to the U.S.O.

Are you ladies on your way to the U.S.O.?

What goes on there?

Oh, you're just pullin' my leg.

You know what I think?

I think you two ladies are part of that wild Chinese checker crowd.

Huh?

Oh, you're just pullin' my leg.

Maybe I'll see you later on over there.

So, hey for now.

Hey!

What was that?

He's either got the greatest line I've ever heard,

or he's some kind of a nut.

I'm voting for nut.

You know somethin'?

I think he's kind of cute... For a Marine.

But you don't like Marines.

I know.

Diane, do I really sound like a sergeant?

Oh, well, you can find out for yourself.

Here comes mine now.

Hey!

That's your rich playboy?

Oh, he says he's only in the Marines for kicks,

but don't let on you know.

He wants to be just one of the fellas.

Looky, looky, looky, here comes cookie!

Oh! Not in the street!

For heaven's sakes, put me down.

Oh, Vince, I'd like you to meet

my very best girlfriend, Dixie.

Dixie, this is Sergeant Vince Carter.

Hiya, Dix.

Hi.

Ready to roll, babe?

Well, Vince, you might ask my girlfriend

if we could drop her someplace

or maybe she could come along.

Yeah. I think I'll go to the U.S.O.

What? What?

If you haven't tried it, don't knock it.

Hey!

Oh, Vince!

Not in the public street, for heaven's sakes!

Let's roll, baby!

Hey.

Oh, hey, ma'am.

You decided to come over here after all, didn't you?

Say, do you really think I sound like a sergeant?

Oh, no, ma'am, it's just that he's always sayin' to me,

"Knock it off, Pyle."

He says that because that's my name, Gomer Pyle.

You're puttin' me on.

Private Gomer Pyle. That's my name and title.

What's yours?

Dixie.

Hey, that's real nice, Dixie.

Won't you sit down, Miss Dixie?

I don't sit down with Marines...

Usually.

I sure am glad you come along.

Do you know that I couldn't find

a single Chinese checker player in this whole place?

Oh, that's a shame.

What is it, some sort of a Marine game?

I learned to play back home.

Just about everybody in town back home plays Chinese checkers.

I bet you can't guess where I'm from.

China.

China?

Oh, that's a good one.

China, 'cause I play Chinese checkers.

No, ma'am. There ain't no connection.

I'm from the South.

No.

Yeah. Honest, I am.

What else you got goin' for you?

Huh?

What do you do besides the Chinese checkers?

Oh, well, there are things

that I generally do around town,

but I expect you've done 'em all, though.

Like what?

Well, like watchin' them turn the fountain on in the public square.

Really.

And then there's this free organ recital on

at the First Community Church.

And there's a Godzilla movie on

that's right down the street.

What's a Godzilla?

Oh, he's this monster that shows up from time to time.

Haven't you ever seen him before?

I've seem 'em all, Godzilla,

and Son Of Godzilla

and The Bride Of Godzilla.

You sure you never have seen one?

See, he's this monster that comes up from the ocean floor

and attacks cities.

And we're gonna do all these things?

Well, if you'd like to, ma'am.

Okay.

Before we go, though,

do you mind if I asked you a personal question, ma'am?

Uh-oh, here it comes.

I might have known.

Okay, let's have it.

Are you one of them debutantes?

Well, kind of.

I knew it.

The first time I seen you on the street down there,

I knew you was one of them debutantes.

'Cause you sure are pretty enough to be one.

How long have you been one, anyway?

Come in.

Hey, Sergeant. What do you want, Pyle?

I sure do want to thank you

for that tip you gave me last night

about that there Chinese checker crowd at the U.S.O.

What?

Well, I didn't exactly find that there crowd,

but I did meet a real nice young lady.

At the U.S.O.?

Well, not exactly at the U.S.O.

It was kind of on the way there.

Oh. You see, I bumped into her

and she said "Hey."

And so I thought she was just bein' friendly...

Great, great.

But I'm in a hurry now, Pyle.

I'm going into town.

Well, so am I.

We done all those real nice things last night

like goin' to the Godzilla movie

and watchin' them turn on the fountain in the public square.

Crazy.

Tonight she said she'd think of somethin' for us to do.

I wonder what she'll think of.

Been to the petunia festival?

No, is there one?

Forget it.

You know somethin'? You sound just like she does.

Wonderful, Pyle.

There's nothing I'd like better

than to hear about this date,

but I've got to go into town,

and I've got to call Diane.

Diane the debutante?

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, well, if you're goin' into town and you want some company,

I'm going in, too. I'm not going in right away.

Oh, I can wait.

Why don't you go ahead, Pyle? Maybe I'll see you there.

Well, I sure would like for this young lady to meet you.

You two bein' so much alike and all.

Swell, swell.

Baby doll?

Lover-boy.

What time tonight, kissin' bug?

A double date?

Well, I know she's your best girlfriend,

but I thought maybe you and me could...

Yeah, Diane, yeah.

Sure. Oh, sure.

As long as I'm with you, baby.

Yeah.

As soon as I can get there.

So long, sweet lips.

We were just cleaning the dishes, and we're going out.

I never believe her anyway, you know,

'cause she's always doing something like that.

So I says to her, I says, "Dixie,

"you want to double with two Marines?"

'Cause you know how many times

I've asked her to double with me

when I've had a Marine who had a friend?

Hundreds. Yeah.

Later, Vince.

So I says to her, I says "Dixie, what's this guy got,

"this guy you went out with?"

And you know what she tells me? You know?

Mmm-mmm. She tells me,

"I think he's putting me on." Yeah?

So, I just looked at her, you know, and I said,

"Well, what kind of a pass did he make?"

Oh, later, Vince.

And you know what she tells me?

What?

She tells me, "He didn't make a pass.

"I think he's putting me on."

Well, this guy I just don't believe.

Oh, Vince!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

You know, sometimes you don't act like a rich playboy.

You act just like a Marine.

Well, this guy you're talking about,

what's his name? Maybe I know him.

I don't know. Dixie didn't tell me.

Well, what is... what is he?

What is he? He's a private.

Look, I'm not gonna spend my whole night with a knucklehead private!

What are we gonna do?

Oh, Dixie said he likes to do kooky things.

If he wasn't putting her on. Like what?

Oh, go to monster movies.

But no action, you know, just eating popcorn.

What else? Oh,

and watching them turn on the colored lights at the town fountain.

Can you imagine?

No.

No, it... it can't be true. No.

Are you feeling all right?

I've been good to my mother.

I haven't lied too much.

And when I open my eyes, it'll all go away.

Don't look over that way. Just stand up.

Maybe we can get out the back way.

Hey, what's the matter with you?

There's my girlfriend, Dixie!

Hey, Dixie! Hi, come on over!

Oh, hi, Diane!

Glad you got here!

Well, I thought we'd never find you.

Why, it's Sergeant Carter!

Hey, this is gonna be fun.

A double date with the Sarge!

Well, I'll be!

Surprise, surprise, surprise!

Sergeant Carter!

Well, if this ain't the nicest surprise!

You sure look surprised. Yeah.

Yeah, well, sit down.

I guess everybody knows everybody.

We sure do.

You see, I bumped into these ladies outside the U.S.O.,

and Dixie here says "Hey."

And I thought she said "Hey" 'cause she knew me,

so I turned around and I said "Hey" right back.

Pyle, knock it off.

See how much he sounds like you?

Just like I was telling you.

I sound like him?

What's the matter with the way I sound?

You know what this proves?

You two bein' buddies?

That it's a small world.

I was just thinkin' the same thing myself.

It's a small world. It really is a small world.

Well, everybody always says that,

but this really proves it.

It's a small world.

It really and truly is.

Oh, boy.

I don't think I sound at all like him.

Well, the person hisself or herself

is always the last one to know.

Like this girl back home, Earlene Pridus.

Everybody in town thought she looked just like me.

She was real tall and skinny.

Well, she couldn't see it at all.

And the fellers all kept takin' her possum-huntin',

and she kept wonderin' why they never would kiss her,

and all the time, it was because that she was...

Will you knock it off?

With your eyes closed, wouldn't you swear that was Dixie talkin'?

Look, uh, it's been nice knowin' you kids. Come on, Diane.

Hey, where are you going?

We're having dinner with my girlfriend and her boyfriend.

And this looks like a real fine place.

You can't eat here. It's a bar.

Yes, you can. State law.

Law says if you ask for somethin' to eat,

they got to serve it to you, even though it's just a slice of bread.

Well, who wants a slice of bread?

Well, bread can be real good sometimes,

especially if it's home-baked.

I'll ask the waitress if they bake their own bread here.

Oh, miss!

Pyle, pipe down!

He yells at me like that all the time.

I could eat a horse.

Uh, we'll go find a place to eat.

Come on, Diane. We'll go with you.

No, no, no, no, you two stay here.

You got lots to talk about, like home-baked bread.

When we find a place, we'll call you.

Come on, Diane.

We're not going to my apartment before we eat.

Diane!

Hey, maybe we could all go over there later on

and play a game of Chinese checkers.

It can be real excitin' with four.

Sounds great. We'll call you.

Come on!

Okay, but remember what I said.

We're not going to my apartment before we eat.

We eat first. Is that clear?

Shh. Okay, okay! Okay.

That's your buddy?

Oh, he's more than that.

Ever since boot camp, he's been like a mama and a daddy to me.

I go to sleep at night and wake up in the mornin'

just hearin' him yellin' at me.

Well, what do we do now?

Well, we'll just sit here and wait on his call.

Sergeant said he'd call us

as soon as he found a place that baked their own bread.

Don't you think we should call them?

Uh, Dixie and what's-his-name?

Uh, later, baby.

Uh, they can join us for dessert.

That'll be nice. Yeah.

I think he's kind of cute.

I think he's a knucklehead.

I have to look at him all day long. That's enough.

Hey, Sergeant Carter!

Hey, where you been?

Come on in! Sit down!

A person could starve to death waiting for you to call.

How could I call you when you didn't stay there?

Oh, I'd have stayed there all night if it'd been left up to me.

Then why didn't you?

Because you may be a mommy and a daddy to him,

but you sound a little finky to me!

Now, listen, sister...

Now, you listen to me and don't call me "sister"!

Look, I'm not gonna call you...

Now that we're all here, let's order.

I don't like the menu.

What's the matter with it?

There are too many choices.

A really fine restaurant, it specializes.

It's, uh, famous for maybe one or two dishes.

You know somethin'? He's right.

Back in our mess hall, we got the best food you ever tasted,

and they never do give you no choice.

They just slap it down and that's it.

So why'd you come here if the food's no good?

The drinks. Great drinks here.

That's why I want you two kids to stay here

and have a couple of drinks on me.

We'll go over and get a table at Rivelli's.

That's real nice, Sergeant, but I don't drink.

Fine.

I'll have two.

You're a doll, you know that?

Yeah, well, so are you, buddy...

Look, sister, I don't want to put up with you all evening!

Don't you two start up again!

Rivelli's. You can't miss it.

Yeah, well, who's worried about us missing it?

Have a ball, kids. Come on, Diane.

He sure is carryin' on just to make this a real fine double date.

You know, this place has a lot of class.

A lot of class.

Look, why don't we just finish these drinks...

I'm not getting back in your car with you, Vince,

not until after dinner!

Do you know something, Vince? You've got no respect.

Shh. Okay, okay.

I respect you, I respect you.

That sure is funny about Sergeant Carter.

Even though he wasn't at Rivelli's,

I think we ought to have waited.

Sergeant Carter is a fink.

Do you hear me? He's finky.

He ain't no fink. You just don't know him like I do.

He's a fink.

We went to Rivelli's, looked all over. He wasn't there.

Besides, the food's much better here.

And he's a fink.

He ain't no fink. You ought to be in our platoon for just one week

and you'd change your mind.

Your platoon's got enough problems.

He's a fink, and let's get a table.

Okay. But he ain't no fink.

You do not, Vince! You do not know what respect is!

I do. I told you.

All right, then, what is it? What is respect?

I told you...

Besides, you can't respect me and not respect my girlfriend.

I respect your girlfriend.

I respect the whole world except that jug-headed,

slanted-jawed excuse for a...

Hey, Sergeant!

He's here! Surprise again!

Yeah.

Didn't you say Rivelli's?

Yeah, but... You're a fink!

Did I say it? He's a fink!

Now, look, you, I've had about all I'm gonna take!

Shut up!

It'll be four, Captain.

Well... Here we are, all together again.

What I think we ought to do is...

No! The food is great here,

and my girlfriend and her boyfriend are here,

and we eat!

You got the message? We eat!

Okay, I was just about to say that.

Are we ready to eat, sir?

Boy, are we!

You're not just kiddin', Charlie.

May I recommend the filet mignon steak?

You sold me. Make that two. Medium rare.

Why don't we all have the filet?

Hey, he'll order later with me. We want to look some more.

Very well, sir.

Look at the price on that filet mignon.

Don't let that hold you back.

Vince is only a rich playboy in the Marines for kicks.

Huh? A playboy?

I told you not to tell.

Well, if it's a secret, I don't want to hear it because...

Why don't we all have some more drinks?

Yeah, order some more drinks while we go to the powder room to freshen up.

Just tell me one thing.

How much money have you got on you?

$4.08.

To get by without washing dishes,

order the tuna fish sandwich.

I'll order a glass of buttermilk.

When it comes, you say you're not hungry and offer me half.

But hadn't you rather have that filet steak?

Tuna fish. But it's a whole...

Tuna fish. Tuna fish it is.

Gosh, that sure looks good.

Mmm, smells good, too.

Ooh, isn't this marvelous?

Thank you.

Will that be all, sir?

Yeah, where are the vegetables?

The filet is a la carte, ma'am.

Oh, you're kidding!

You can't eat without vegetables. It ain't a meal!

It sure ain't.

I mean, it's just eating plain meat.

What are we, animals?

Have the asparagus with the hollandaise sauce, Dixie.

That's fattening, lots of calories, you know.

I'll have that, too.

Ooh, do you know what I'd just love?

Do you have a baked potato

with sour cream and chive?

- Yes, ma'am. - Oh, make it two.

And we'll order our dessert when we have our brandy.

Very good, ma'am.

Semper fidelis!

Say, I'd bet you was a Marine.

How'd you guess?

Well, it takes one to know one.

World War II.

Well, ain't it a small world?

Why don't you pull you up a chair and sit down?

Well, thank you.

I'll bet you had some excitin' times back then.

Yes, gung ho!

I studied all about that.

You fought in the Pacific.

No, I was a cook in North Carolina,

but we had some times there.

Pyle, they brought your sandwich.

Oh.

I am not very hungry.

Well, good. I'll share it with you.

Well, anyhow, there was this mess sergeant who had it in for me.

You know how sergeants are.

No offense, Sergeant.

And, we had this big argument

over macaroni and cheese casserole. Well...

I just love these war stories.

The captain turns to the mess sergeant, and he says,

"Sergeant, this is the best macaroni and cheese casserole

"I ever ate."

That sure is a fine story.

And I admire your memory, too.

You remembered every little detail.

Yeah.

I think we ought to buy him a drink, Sergeant.

Pyle!

Well, uh, wonderful talkin' to you folks.

Uh, hope I run into you again sometime.

I sure hope so, too.

You sure we couldn't buy you a drink?

Pyle!

You know, Diane, I think I ate too much.

Mmm, not me.

I could start all over again.

What could I have without making a pig of myself?

Do you have any fresh fruit?

Well, fruit I could eat.

A-A-About this check... Oh, no!

You think I'd let two Marines pay the check?

It's on me! Everything's on me.

Huh?

Yes, sir. You're right, boy. I'm your host.

Only trouble is, Sergeant, you know, you don't eat enough.

You got to keep up your strength.

Now, next time, you order steak, hear?

Bye-bye.

Buy bonds.

You know, I think this is just about

the best double date I was ever on.

How are you, Sergeant?

Hello!

Your first visit?

Yeah, well, the fact is I don't usually come to the U.S.O.

Tonight, I happen to be a little broke.

But no offense. Of course.

But now that I'm here, I'm, uh, sure glad I came.

Sergeant, do you play Chinese checkers?

Chinese checkers?

Love the game.

Love the game! Let's go!

Come with me.

Lead the way.

I finally found a man who loves Chinese checkers.

Have fun.

Sergeant Carter!

Well, if this ain't the nicest surprise!

Surprise, surprise, surprise!