Original subtitles

Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

"It will be the first official visit to this country

"by the Princess Sanakawa.

"And she will be the guest of various military installations,

"among them, the local Marine base at Camp Henderson."

Now, what has all this got to do with you, Sergeant?

The Princess will be here at the end of the week.

We're going to need an honor guard,

and since you have the highest ranking platoon at this time,

I've decided we pick our honor guard from among your men.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

There are enough men in your outfit

who own dress blue uniforms for the occasion?

Yes, sir. I'm sure of it.

Of course.

I'm sure your men have enough pride to want to own a set.

Yes, sir. Good.

I want you to pick four of your best men,

straight, sharp, and all-Marine.

Aye, aye, sir.

With a platoon like yours, you probably can vouch

for every single man in your outfit. Yes, sir.

I can vouch for every single man in my outfit.

Good.

That is, I can vouch

for almost every single man in my outfit.

Tails, heads, tails... and tails.

And thank you for the contribution.

Any more suckers?

Golly, Duke, you sure are lucky.

Where'd you get all that luck?

You must eat a whole lot of chickpeas on New Year's Eve.

Well, it's not only luck, Gomer.

It's luck, good looks, intelligence, charm...

Let me see, have I left anything out? Oh, yes, modesty.

I don't know about them other things, but you sure are lucky.

I'll take you on, Duke. Gladly, Larry.

Are you ready? Shake 'em up. Yeah. Got 'em.

All right. Ready? Yeah.

Here we go.

Heads, tails...

Tails,

tails, heads, tails. More?

Yeah.

Okay, shake 'em up.

Ready? Yeah.

Heads, tails,

heads, heads,

tails, tails.

Suddenly not so lucky, huh, Duke?

Hold on, what's happening here?

How you doin', Mr. Lucky?

Not so good, all of a sudden.

Put 'em up again, Larry. All right.

Shake 'em up.

Ready? Yeah.

Tails, tails, and heads.

Not so good? That ain't bad.

Golly, you got lady luck smilin' at you all the time, hadn't you, Duke?

Let's go again. Sure.

Shake 'em up.

You ready? Yeah.

Heads... Uh-uh. Tails, heads,

tails,

tails and heads.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Gomer?

What? Come here a minute, buddy.

What do you want? Come here.

Stand right here.

Get 'em up again, Larry.

Get 'em up. All right.

Heads, tails,

tails, tails, and heads.

That's it.

What's it? You, Gomer. You're my good-luck piece.

I'm your what?

You move away, I lose. You stand by my side, I win.

You're my good-luck charm. How about that!

Oh, go on, Duke. I'm not kidding, Gomer.

I don't know what it is, but you give off sparks. Vibrations come out of you.

Shazam!

You reckon it's that new deodorant I've been usin'?

C'mon, guys, Sergeant's on his way!

Sure.

I don't know what it is, but there's a peculiar atmosphere in here!

Could be me, Sergeant. We was just talkin' about it.

Forget it!

All right! Listen up!

Now, battalion headquarters wants an honor guard

to meet a special guest this week.

How many of you jokers have got dress blues? Hands!

That's it?

You're kidding! Just three of you?

I gotta have four men, and they gotta have dress blues!

Sergeant... Morrison, don't you have a set of dress blues?

Sorry, Sarge. Uh, I ordered a set some time ago

but I hadn't been able to get the money to pick 'em up.

Boy, this is beautiful, just beautiful.

Now I gotta go back to the Colonel and say,

"Sorry, sir, we can't make up the honor guard.

"We don't have a thing to wear!" Sergeant...

I know they're optional,

you don't have to buy a dress blue uniform,

but you'd think you'd have enough pride to want to own a set!

Sergeant... Do you knuckleheads know what an honor this is

to be picked for an honor guard? Huh, do you?

And we can't take it because only three of you have got dress blues!

Sergeant... Well, you'd think with all the money

you spend on dames a-and gambling

and... and... and materialistic stuff,

you'd think you could set aside 45 bucks, huh?

A measly 45 bucks for a set of dress blues!

Sergeant... Boy, this is humiliating!

It's... It's... It's downright humiliating!

Sergeant... Pyle, what is it?

I'm gettin' a set of them there dress blues.

What?

I've already got 'em ordered and everything.

I've saved all my money and I'm supposed to pick 'em up Saturday mornin'.

Surprise, surprise, surprise!

Yeah.

So, you've got your four men now, Sergeant.

This is your lucky day.

Pyle, knock it off! It's not just the dress blues!

You gotta be sharp on your manual of arms!

And I've got a hunch that you are not sharp on your manual of arms!

So forget it, Pyle! Just forget it!

Watch this, Sergeant.

Attention!

Port arms!

Order arms!

Inspection arms!

I... I was just cleanin' it, Sergeant.

That won't happen again,

I guarantee you that.

Don't you worry about a thing, Sergeant.

It's gonna be all right.

Morrison, are you sure you can't get that set of dress blues?

I'm sure, Sarge. I'm broke!

W-Well, can't you get some money somewhere?

Can't you put your hands on $45?

I sure doubt it.

I wonder what causes that?

Sarge, you're gonna wear yourself out. Relax.

Relax! Relax, he says!

There's a princess comin' to this base on Saturday,

and meeting her will be an honor guard

including one Private Gomer Pyle,

who's liable to pull the bolt out of his rifle or drop it altogether!

He might even walk up to her and say,

"Hi, ma'am. How y'all? Gomer says hey."

Relax!

Tell him he can't be in it. What's the big problem?

The problem is, I promised the Colonel four men

all wearing dress blues!

He's the only other guy with a uniform, so I may have to use him!

And you don't wanna do that? I do not!

No, what I gotta do

is I gotta get another guy for the honor guard,

and I gotta buy him a uniform.

Nick, are you sure that you don't...

You already asked me, Sarge. I'm broke.

Broke! Broke!

Everybody's broke! It would have to be the end of the month!

Well, we gotta scare up 45 bucks by Saturday.

So you and me are going on a little hunting expedition.

Oh, but, Sarge... Yeah! Get everything you can get,

dollars, quarters, beg on the streets for pennies if you have to.

We need 45 bucks to buy Morrison his uniform.

But listen, Sarge... I do not want Gomer Pyle on this honor guard!

Do you understand?

Well, he can foul up. He can foul up something terrible!

H-He could accidentally shoot that princess and start a war!

Come on, Sarge. Now, look... Come in!

Hey, Sergeant.

What do you want, Pyle?

Well, after you left the barracks this mornin',

I got to thinkin' that you might be worried

how I'd do in that there honor guard.

So I just come by here to set your mind at ease.

Yeah?

Uh-huh. Watch this. I've been practicin' and practicin'.

Attention!

Port arms!

Order arms!

Present arms!

I'll keep practicin'.

I wonder what caused that.

I don't know how that happened.

That's never happened before.

Sorry, Sergeant.

Get the money! Get the money!

Come on, Gomer. Why won't you?

I told you, Duke. I want to stay here and practice my manual of arms.

Besides, I ain't sure I rightly approve of what you're about to do.

Well, what's so terrible? All you gotta do is stand by my side

all the time I'm shootin' craps.

You're my good luck charm, you'll help me win.

Well, I don't think I approve.

Winnings from gamblin' is ill-gotten gains.

Come on, Gome.

I can't, Duke.

Besides, there's this princess that's comin' to visit,

all the way from the old country.

And I want to look real good in that there honor guard.

Watch this. Oh.

Attention!

Right shoulder arm!

Right face!

I'm sorry, Duke.

I'm truly sorry. It's all right, Gomer.

Golly, did I hurt you?

Not as much as you hurt me if you don't come in town with me.

Gosh, I feel as if I owe it to you now.

Will you, please? Huh?

Well... Attaboy, Gomer. You're a real buddy.

Well, I want to get back in time to practice some more.

Oh, you will.

I don't wanna stay out too late. You... We won't.

I don't rightly approve. I know, I know.

It's ill-gotten gains. Right. Ill-gotten gains.

Eight! The point is six!

Five! The point is six!

The shooter wants six!

Four! The shooter wants six!

Comin' for $3.

Seven and out the line! Next shooter!

Hand me those devil's bones and stand back.

Be good to me, little ivory babies.

Oh, I almost forgot. My good-luck charm, fellas.

All right, all right, what are you shootin'?

Shoot the $20. $20. You paid it.

Let 'em roll.

Five! Five is the number!

Little Phoebe keep me loose. Come on, three, catch a deuce!

Five right! The line!

Shall we all go for another ride, fellas?

What are you shootin' this time? Yeah, all go, shoot the works.

Shoot $40, you paid it.

Just a little insurance.

Seven! A winner!

A little gift from heaven!

Who's hot now, fellas, huh?

Shoot it all, shoot it all. Let's go.

You're so good to me, baby.

Here we go. Yeah!

Six! The shooter wants six!

Six! Six! Is that all right, fellas?

Here we go.

Yeah!

Five! The shooter wants six!

Six is the number! The shooter wants six!

Come on, six!

Seven and out!

No!

Next shooter.

Gomer, Gomer, what happened? Where'd you go?

Well, I got bored over there just watchin',

so I come over here and was practicin' my manual of arms.

That's great. You know what happened while you were practicing?

I lost. I lost everything. You didn't!

I did, Gomer. I blew the whole roll.

You were supposed to stick by me, bring me luck.

Well, I'm sorry, Duke. A lot of good that does me.

You got any money? Well, yeah, but...

How much you got, Gomer?

Well, I got $45, but...

Let me have it. Will you, Gomer? Please, let me have it.

Well, I couldn't do that, Duke.

That's the money for my dress blues

and I'm supposed to pick 'em up in the mornin'.

I'll double it, I guarantee it. I'll win you enough

to buy two sets of dress blues!

I don't know, Duke... Come on, Gomer. It's the least you can do.

You walked away and broke the spell. Well...

You admit you walked away and broke the spell, don't you?

I was winnin' all the time you were standin' there.

The minute you walked away, boom, I lost. Well...

Come on, Gomer. It's a sure thing, you're my lucky partner.

Well, what makes you so sure you're gonna win?

How can I lose with Lucky Boy by my side?

Well... Come on, Gomer.

I'm not sure I rightly approve of this.

Ill-gotten gains is what it is.

That's my dress blues money.

Well, watch it grow, Lucky Boy.

Now stick by me this time. Come on, Gomer.

Nine is the number! The shooter wants nine!

Seven away! Next shooter!

And we got a fresh, young shooter!

What are you shootin', kid?

Shootin' the whole $45.

$45 goes, you paid it.

Four! The number is four!

Little Joe from Kokomo, give 'em a shake, and away they go!

Seven! You're out!

No!

What happened, Duke? What happened?

The money for my dress blues, it's gone.

It's gone.

The money for my dress blues is gone.

Gomer, I... I'm sorry, buddy.

I'm... I'm sorry.

All the money that I'd saved up.

Now I won't be able to get my dress blues.

But you know what the worst part is?

I'll tell you what the worst part is.

Tomorrow, I've got to tell Sergeant Carter

that I can't be in that honor guard to meet that princess.

Gomer...

He's gonna be so disappointed, Duke.

Can you imagine how disappointed he's gonna be

when I tell him I can't be in that there honor guard?

No, no, no! I'm not gonna have Pyle on the honor guard!

Sarge, face it. You don't have enough money to swing it.

You need 45 bucks for a uniform for Morrison.

Count it, you only got about $15.

That's all we could rake up?

15 bucks? Just 15 bucks?

Yeah, $15 and a quarter.

Nick, we can't quit now! We gotta get another 30 bucks!

We hit almost everybody on the base.

They're all tapped out.

Well, there must be somebody somewhere!

Hey, what about your folks?

Send 'em a telegram. Tell 'em you need an operation.

Oh, Vince!

I gotta keep Pyle off that honor guard! Don't you understand?

Well, I wasn't gonna suggest it,

but I think I know where you can get some dough real fast.

You know?

Well, what have you been keeping so quiet about?

Where, huh, where, where, where? Talk, talk!

Well, there's a big crap game in town tonight.

A crap game? Right.

You want me to go to a gambling joint and shoot crap,

a platoon sergeant?

Well, you go as a civilian.

Shoot crap with strangers?

Do you realize how desperate I'd have to be to do that?

Well? I'm pretty desperate. Where's the game?

Five! The shooter wants eight!

Come on, baby. Be there.

Craps!

12! The shooter wants 8!

Okay, buddy.

Take it easy, fatso. Are you in a rush?

Look, who you calling "fatso"?

You, banjo eyes. You wanna make somethin' out of it?

Why, you little...

Oh, oh, the big, bad civilian here is gonna hit me. I'm scared.

All right, come on. Shoot 'em.

Seven away!

Next shooter! Next shooter.

All right. Have fun, civilian.

Dad give you the car tonight?

Shoot the bundle.

How much is the bundle?

$15.25.

Okay, you're fated.

Come on, guys, come on!

Seven! Winner!

Ha! Let's see. How much is that?

That's, uh, $30.50, huh?

All right, how much are you shootin' now?

I'll shoot $14 and, uh, 50 cents.

Okay, you're fated.

Come on, dice.

Eleven!

Pass!

What'll you shoot this time? Nothing, nothing, nothing.

I got all I need. Thanks a lot, fellas.

Well, so long, sport. Now you can buy that Erector Set.

$42, $43, $44, $45.

Exactly enough for one set of dress blues.

Did you tell Morrison I have a little present for him?

Yeah, he'll be here as soon as he gets off of work detail.

Well, Nick, this ought to be a lesson to you.

For a while there we thought we were gonna be stuck

with Pyle in the honor guard, but fate had other plans.

It's always darkest before the dawn,

every cloud has a silver lining,

and hope springs eternal in the human breast.

You know what I mean? Uh-huh. You got bailed out by a crap game.

Now comes the most satisfying part.

What's that?

Telling Pyle he's not gonna be in the honor guard.

For a while there, I was stuck. I had no choice.

But now, because of the... I do have a choice,

and I'm gonna tell him.

He's gonna be disappointed.

Well, as they say on the playgrounds,

tough noogies.

You're a hardhearted man, Vince.

That's right!

I got a hard heart and a hard head to match.

You want me to take a chance

and have Pyle goof up an official visit?

Well, I don't! So I'm goin' over there right now and tell him!

"Pyle, you're out! O-U-T, out!"

Come in.

Well, Pyle, I was just on my way over to see you.

Can I talk to you a minute, Sergeant?

Well, sure, sure.

First, you talk to me. Then, I will talk to you.

Go.

I don't quite know how to tell you this, but...

'Cause you ain't gonna like hearin' it

no better than I like tellin' it.

Well, let's hear it.

And I wouldn't blame you for bein' mad,

on account of it's bound to be disappointin' news.

Let's hear it, let's hear it!

Fact is, I was gonna sit down and write you a letter

just so as I wouldn't have to face you. Pyle!

Well, here it is,

and I hope you'll forgive me for it.

I can't be in that there honor guard.

What did you say?

You hate me, don't you, Sergeant?

Admit it, you hate me for ruinin' all your plans.

You thought I was gonna be in that there honor guard,

and here at the last minute, I tell you I can't.

Well, you just go on and hate me,

'cause I sure feel like a hateful thing.

I don't have the money to buy the uniform.

But you told me you had the money.

This is the most painful part of all, comin' up.

I had it, but I lost it.

You lost it?

I've done a terrible thing, Sergeant.

It got lost shootin' with craps.

What? That's right.

I don't know what come over me, greed, I expect.

But, anyways, it got lost in a game of craps.

You got in a crap game and lost your money?

The dice was supposed to roll up to number four,

that's little old Phoebe from Kokomo.

That's crap talk.

And it didn't come up. So I lost.

Pyle, you mean you took the money

that you had saved up for your dress blues,

and you blew it in a crap game?

Is that what you're saying?

I don't mind so much about me, Sergeant, but you...

What are you gonna do for the fourth man for that honor guard?

You was countin' on me.

What's gonna happen now?

Well, I'll, uh... I'll think of something.

And I was doin' real good, too, Sergeant.

You'd have been real proud of me.

I'd just been practicin' my manual of arms,

I could even do it in my sleep.

Every spare minute I had, I was doin' it.

You'd have been real proud of me, 'cause I was doin' it right.

To tell you the truth, Sergeant,

that's the reason I was so anxious to get in the honor guard.

I just wanted to make you proud of me.

All right, Pyle. Get back to your quarters.

Right, Sergeant.

When I come in, you said there was somethin'

you wanted to talk to me about.

Um, n-n-nothing, nothing important.

It can wait.

Right, Sergeant.

Well, you don't kick a guy when he's down! I didn't say anything.

And I'll tell you somethin' else!

He didn't lose that money in a crap game!

He doesn't even know how to shoot crap!

He was covering, that was he was doing.

He was covering for some creep

that conned him out of his dough! What are you gonna do?

What do you mean, "What am I gonna do?"

I got the money for the dress blues, haven't I?

Pyle may not have the money, but I got it!

So? So, there are gonna be four men in the honor guard

all wearing dress blues, just like it was planned from the beginning!

What am I gonna do? I was just wondering. I...

Well, stop wondering! There's no problem.

Come in!

Hiya, Sergeant. Corporal said you had a present for me,

money for a set of dress blues to wear in the honor guard.

A present?

A present?

What is this, your birthday, Christmas?

Where do you get off coming in here askin' for a present?

A present? I'll give you a present!

I'll give you 100 push-ups to do!

Get out of here, you mooch!

But, Sergeant, I was... Get out of here!

Move, move, move, move, move, move!

Well, what are you just sittin' there for?

Go get Pyle! Go get him!

He's gotta pick up his uniform!

Whatever you're thinkin', shut up!

Sergeant? I ain't gonna never forget

what a nice thing it is you done for me,

lendin' me the money so I could get my uniform.

It's okay, Pyle.

Nice, nice, nice. I don't see how I can ever thank you.

You did, Pyle, you did, last night and this morning.

And I got your letter, too.

I declare, every time I think about it, I wanna just puddle up.

Well, don't, Pyle.

There's nothing that looks worse in an honor guard

than a Marine who's been crying.

Heck, what a nice thing.

You're gonna make a wonderful father.

Swell.

So once again, thank you, thank you, thank you.

It's okay, Pyle.

Now, look, the visiting party's gonna be here any minute.

Now, I want you to play it cool and steady.

Don't you worry, Sergeant.

I'll never disappoint the man that made all this possible for me.

Good. Just listen for every command

and execute it with precision.

Check and double-check.

Don't panic, don't be nervous.

Just play it cool and steady, steady and cool.

Done and done.

Here they come. Remember, cool and steady.

Detail, ten-hut!

Present...

arms!