Original subtitles

Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

Slater! Yeah, man!

Fitzgerald! Here!

Golly, Duke, you must have them girls wrapped around your finger.

That makes seven for the day.

No, I gotta be honest with you, Gome, only six count. One's from a guy.

How do you like that, none from Cindy today.

Slater! Uh! There it is.

Gottschalk! Yeah, yeah.

Pyle! Yo!

Good ol' Suzy, she hasn't missed a day yet.

Hey, you did pretty good, too, Gome. Who are they from?

Well, this one's from Ida Carrington,

and this one's from Lila Mae Pruitt... Will you look at that?

You know, in your own quiet way, I think you do all right for yourself.

Well...

I bet you left a string of broken hearts back home, you sly dog, you.

Oh, come on, Duke.

Sergeant Carter! Here, here! Right here!

Here you are.

Ain't that nice? Sergeant Carter got a letter from a girl, too.

Gottschalk. Yeah.

Dupar. Here.

Oppenheim. Yeah.

Mitchell. Here.

Mclntyre. Here.

Davenport. Here.

Coogan. Here.

Moskowitz. Here.

Spencer! Yo.

Here's the letter from the girl, Gomer.

"Tire sale. Buy one tire at the regular price and get a second tire at half price."

Man, that sure is sexy.

That's a shame.

I just can't figure out why Sergeant Carter don't never get no mail.

Wake up, Gomer. If you were a girl, would you write to him?

I don't know. I think so.

Why?

Well, 'cause when it comes to gettin'

letters, he's just like any of the rest of us,

he's got feelings just like we got.

Just because he's a sergeant don't mean he's made out of stone.

I think it'd mean a whole lot to him to get a letter from a girl.

Well, why don't you get one of your girlfriends back home to write to him?

"Dear Sergeant Carter,

"Gomer Pyle has written and described you to me.

"All I can say is, 'Yuck'!"

Do you know what you ain't got, Duke? Feelings for others.

For others, I do. Not for sergeants. See you, boy. Come on.

Yes, may I help you? Hey, ma'am.

You see, I want to write a love letter,

and I was sorta hopin' that you might know some books

of famous love letters that you could lend me,

just to get an idea of somethin' to write.

Or maybe some love poems. Just somethin' with love.

Of course. I think, more has been written on love than any other subject.

In fact, I think we have a book called Famous Love Letters.

Let's see if it's out.

No. It's here. It's in section 342. It's number 217.

That's wonderful. Thank you, ma'am.

And when it comes to poems of love,

you can always rely on Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

Golly, I don't know how to thank you, Miss Browning.

"And I... will never... be happy...

"till... your heart... is mine.

"Oh, to be... in one another's arms."

Love letters.

Uh-huh. I hope it does the trick.

Hey, can I read it to you and see if it sounds all right?

All right.

"My dearest, most beloved darling."

That's good, that's good.

"How I have worshiped you from afar,

"but now I can no longer contain myself.

"No longer can I silence this burning love

"that is bursting within me."

I think you got a real winner there, boy.

Wait, I got three more pages. Listen to this part.

"The violet loves a sunny bank,

"The cowslip loves the lea

"The scarlet creeper loves the elm

"But I love thee"

How do you like that one?

Wonderful, wonderful. Your girlfriend is going to really love that letter.

Oh, this ain't to my girlfriend. It's to my sergeant.

Well, can I help you with something?

Thank you. Uh...

I was kinda lookin' to buy some perfume.

Something fancy and something that smells real nice.

Ah, well, this is a lovely fragrance. It's called Sublime.

Well, smell it.

Mmm. That smells mighty nice.

And this one is very light and reeks of femininity.

It's called Anything Goes.

Well, that sounds sort of advanced.

Golly, that smells real nice, too.

And this one is just delightful. It has a kind of a wispy aroma.

It's called Merveilleux. It's called what?

Merveilleux... That means "marvelous" in French.

Oh.

Mmm. That smells real good, too.

Well, you couldn't go wrong with any one of these, you know.

Well, it's just so hard to decide,

and this is real special, so it's got to be just right.

Do you think it'd be all right if I took just one more sniff?

Oh, of course. No, go right ahead.

I'll take that one.

That's Merveilleux.

That's the one I would've picked.

Well, now, shall I wrap it as a gift?

Oh, no, thank you. I ain't givin' it to nobody.

I just wanted it for a love letter.

Sergeant Carter! Here, here! Back here! Here!

Come on, come on!

What's the matter? Didn't you guys ever smell a perfumed letter before?

Not like that. The wind's blowin' the other way and I can still smell it.

Well, read your own!

"The mysterious Miss X."

"My dearest, most beloved darling..."

What's the matter? Would you guys like me to read it to you?

Well?

I don't mind.

"My dearest, most beloved darling."

Huh?

"No longer can my heart endure this aching pain

"because I am not by your side every moment of every day."

That's it.

Eat your hearts out.

Wow, what a letter!

You know, I'm surprised it didn't burn a hole in the envelope.

You know what? I still think it's a letter for another tire sale.

He didn't read us the end.

But who would write him a letter like that? Who?

Maybe the Sergeant's like you said I was, Duke, a sly dog.

Well, whoever wrote that to him sure made his day.

You think so? You really think so? Yeah. Look at him.

"The mysterious Miss X."

"The mysterious Miss X."

Would you like to hear this one?

All right.

"My dearest darling, conqueror of my heart."

Good?

Is this letter going to the same party as the other day?

Uh-huh.

Your sergeant?

Right.

That's a new one, isn't it? Women sergeants in the Marines?

No. They got 'em.

Oh.

Your sergeant... What's her name?

It's not her, it's him. Vincent.

Listen to this. This is my favorite part comin' up.

"How do I love thee?

"Let me count the ways

"I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can

"reach

"Oh, my darling, every moment I am awake is spent thinking of you,

"and at night, I count myself to sleep

"trying to remember every little freckle on your nose."

Who is she?

Who is she?

Who, who, who is she?

Miss X.

Miss X.

What do you want, Pyle?

I just came for my pass, Sergeant.

There's a real good movie on in town,

Godzilla Goes To A Beach Party.

I don't suppose you'd like to go with me, would you, Sergeant?

You don't suppose right, Pyle.

Letter from a girl?

That's right, Pyle. Makes you feel good, don't it?

Well, it sure don't make me sad.

Any letter that begins,

"My dearest darling, conqueror of my heart..."

Golly. That sure is pretty talk.

I'll bet you wish you knew who it was from.

Oh, I can sure guess who it's from.

You can?

Oh... W-Well, sure.

There must be a half-dozen girls around here

who'd write you a letter like that.

There are?

Uh, of course there are.

Who do you think it might be, Pyle?

Uh, see how good you are at guessing.

Well...

It could be that girl at the lunch counter at the PX, Shirley.

I've seen her look at you real warm and friendly like.

Yeah. Shirley.

Yeah.

Or, it could be that hatcheck girl at the Club Ha Ha. Adelaide?

I've seen you two grinnin' and talkin' to each other.

Yeah, Adelaide.

Or that girl at the USO. Marilyn.

I seen the look in her eyes once when she handed you a ping-pong paddle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Could be any one of 'em, Sergeant, or more.

Yeah, it could be.

Yeah, it could be, but...

Well, I don't think it'd be very gentlemanly of me to tell you who it is.

You understand? Oh, I sure do.

It's like you say, it wouldn't be very gentlemanly.

You don't have to tell me. I won't.

Well, uh, look, why don't you go to your movie

and let me get some work done, huh? Sure, Sarge.

I'll see you later. Yeah.

Yeah! Yeah, yeah!

Allow me, Shirley. Why not, I'm here to please.

Hands like these, Shirley,

were never meant for this kind of work.

I know, I was gonna be a brain surgeon, only this job came along first.

Ah, you can't fool me.

There's something about you that's different...

Poetic... if you know what I mean.

Me, poetic?

"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways

"I love thee to the depth and breadth and

"height my soul can reach"

Well?

Well, what?

What's the sense kidding anymore...

Miss X?

Huh? Uh, what'd you call me?

Didn't that poem mean anything to you?

Oh, I didn't say that. It's a nice poem.

Well, isn't there anything you wanna tell me?

Something I should know?

I don't know what you mean.

Come on. Out with it.

Well, uh... Tell me, Shirley. Tell me.

All right.

Don't order the liver and onions. They're from yesterday.

I always said there was something different about you, something poetic.

So, how come you never mentioned it to me before?

Well, you know how it is.

Come on, recite your favorite poem for me.

Oh, I... Please!

Well... Come on, come on!

Okay.

"There was a young man from Pomona whose girlfriend..."

Is that the only poem you know?

So, what's the matter? You heard it before?

Yeah, I heard it, I heard it. I'll see you around, Adelaide.

Okay. Hey, if I hear any new ones, I'll let you know!

Did you ever lie awake nights tryin' to count the freckles on my nose?

You like my perfume, Vince?

Yeah!

Yeah! It's real nice.

I use it all the time. It's called Merveilleux.

"How do I love thee?"

"Let me count the ways

"I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach"

Yeah! That's it! That's it! Now, just one more thing.

Would you do a favor for me, Marilyn? Sure.

Well, that's always been one of my favorite poems,

but I keep forgettin' the words.

W-Would you please write it down for me?

I'll do even better. I'll type it.

No, no, it has to be in your handwriting.

I mean, what's the sense of all that typing?

I can't write. I broke my finger four weeks ago.

It's been in a splint ever since.

Type it, type it.

"When we're apart, it's as if my heart stops beating,

"and my only happiness comes in the thought that love conquers all.

"I would follow you to the ends of the earth."

How about them apples?

You know, I bet she writes with a crayon.

They wouldn't let a dame like that use sharp instruments.

Go ahead and laugh. You guys never got a letter like this.

She writes like a poet.

Yeah, I bet she looks like a poet, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

You're just jealous, that's all, you're just jealous.

What do we got to be jealous about?

We don't even know what she looks like.

Yeah, what does she look like?

Well, she's... Yeah?

She's... Well?

S-S-She's beautiful!

Yeah, yeah, that's what she looks like, she's beautiful!

Anybody who can write poems like this.

If you wasn't so ashamed of her, Vince,

you'd take her downtown, to one of the nightclubs. We could see for ourselves.

Yeah, yeah, seein' is believin'.

Well, look, I can't help it if she don't wanna go to them smoky, noisy clip joints.

Boy, you got an excuse for everything.

Hey, I'll tell you what. There's a USO dance here this Saturday night.

Now, she can't have anything against goin' to that.

Well, uh, I'll ask her.

But I can't guarantee she'll come.

Of course she'll come.

What's a 15-minute bus ride

to a girl who is willing to follow you to the ends of the earth?

That's this Saturday night, Vince. We'll be waiting.

Breathless.

What are you lookin' at, Pyle?

"Oh, my loved one,

"my most precious and beloved,

"I beg thee to understand

"the wretched thing I must now do.

"But we are left no choice.

"The brutally unhappy fact is this,

"I must leave thee,

"and you shall never see or hear from me again.

"Just remember this,

"I'll cherish your love throughout eternity.

"Farewell."

Well?

You going over the hill?

Going over the hill?

Why would I do a thing like that?

I don't know. Where are you going?

To mail this letter.

To your sergeant, uh, Vincent.

Right. You remembered.

Tell me something, what does your Sergeant say

when he gets those letters from you?

Oh, he don't know that they're from me.

Why, if he thought they was from me, he'd die,

he'd just die.

Then why do you write them?

Well, the Sergeant never did get any letters from any girls,

like all the other fellers,

and that made him feel just awful.

So, I started writin' him these love letters.

Oh!

And that made him feel good?

It sure did.

Then why are you stopping?

Well, a few of his friends wanted to see this here girl.

So I decided I'd write him a farewell letter,

and that'd get him out of his predicament.

Oh. Oh, that's a mighty fine thing you're doing there, son.

Well...

Not many fellas would go to that trouble.

Aw, heck.

He's sure gonna miss those letters, isn't he?

I guess.

How does that go again, that, uh, that last part?

"Just remember this,

"I'll cherish your love throughout eternity."

That's sad.

That's real sad.

Well, it's for the best we end it this way.

Cole!

Mahoney! Yo!

What's the matter, Vince, no letter today?

Don't worry, it'll come, it'll come.

Well, I sure hope nothing's happened to her.

I'm counting on meetin' her tomorrow night.

Ain't that right, Vince?

Huh?

Oh, yeah. Tomorrow night, tomorrow night.

Could be her letter got lost in the mail.

Or maybe she put it in her pocket and forgot to mail it.

Sure didn't sound like the fickle type in her letters.

Sergeant Carter!

Here! Right over here, right over here!

Moskowitz! Here!

Spencer! Yo!

Balkawitz! Yeah.

Somerville! Here.

"But I must leave thee,

"and you shall never see or hear from me again."

Watson. Here.

Never see or hear from her again?

Gottschalk! Yeah.

Dupar! Here!

Oppenheim! Yeah.

Mitchell! Here.

Mclntyre! Here!

Sergeant Carter!

Here.

Ross! Here.

Mavrich! Right here.

Kazinsky! Here.

Dear Vince,

I must have seemed awfully silly to you the other day,

but I never realized

that tough Sergeant Carter also has a warm and artistic soul.

It's from Shirley.

Sergeant Carter!

Here, here!

Brooks! Yo!

Dear Vince, you sure surprised me the other night.

Who knows? Maybe we were made for each other.

From Adelaide. Sergeant Carter!

Hey, keep 'em coming! Keep 'em coming!

The doctor says the cast will be off by Wednesday.

So, how's about a quiet dinner at my place?

It's from Marilyn at the USO.

I'm sorry, Whip.

I won't be able to make it to the dance tomorrow.

It just wouldn't look right for me to show up with three girls.

You will excuse me.

You know, for a guy who never used to get any mail,

he's sure doin' all right all of a sudden.

How do you figure?

Well, whatever it is, it don't make no difference,

as long as he's happy.

So the drunk says,

"Well, if you have to go downstairs for it, forget it."

All right, all you guys going on liberty,

I want everything cleared away before you take off.

Hey, Sergeant.

Hey, Pyle, don't you have a date?

No. I was just writing Ida Carrington back home.

Your girlfriend?

Well, kind of.

"Dear Ida, I'm fine.

"How are you? Fine, I hope.

"The weather here is fine.

"How's the weather there? Fine, I hope."

That's the letter?

Uh-huh.

Well, Pyle, no wonder you don't have a date.

Somebody ought to teach you how to write a letter,

a love-type letter.