Original subtitles

Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

Millard. Here.

Slater. Here.

Davenport. DAVENPORT: Here.

Coogan. Here.

Moskawich.

Philadelphia. Lois Freeder.

Right!

Here's your next one.

Uh, Atlanta, Georgia. Sally Rose Johnson.

Right. That's amazing, Duke. How do you do that?

Very easy, Gomer.

I just make sure I never give any of them the same perfume.

Pyle!

Here! Here I am!

Spencer. Yo!

Balkowitz. Yeah.

Kyle. Here.

Hey, you wanna smell?

Phew! Gomer, that smells like gasoline.

It is. It's from Wally.

The feller I used to work for at the fillin' station back home.

You're so good at guessin',

see if you can guess what this is.

Regular or high-octane?

Oppenheim. Yeah.

Mitchell.

"Dear Gomer." That's the way he starts.

Gomer, read it to yourself, will you, buddy?

Don't you wanna hear Wally's letter?

Do I have to?

Well, he writes a real nice letter.

Okay, let's hear it.

"Dear Gomer, enclosed you'll find some mail

"that was sent to you here at the filling station.

"Regards, Wally."

That's it?

Uh-huh. Ain't that nice?

It's real short and to the point.

Yeah. You ought to save them.

Put them in a book someday, you know?

The Life and Letters of Gomer Pyle.

I can always tell when you're pullin' my leg, Duke.

You get an insincere look in your eyes.

Hey, Duke, listen to this.

"Don't be a wallflower.

"Be the life of the party. Learn to dance.

"This ticket entitles you to one free lesson

"at the Plaza Dance Studio."

What good does that do you, Gome? It's...

Dance studio's in Mayberry.

Ain't that a shame?

A free dance lesson, and I have to pass it up.

You know how to dance, Gomer. I've seen you.

Yeah, but they got some new things out nowadays.

You know, them South American steps?

Well, if you're so anxious to learn,

why don't you go to a dance studio here in town?

There's one on Grant Street. I've passed it a lot of times.

I will, Duke. The very next liberty.

Good. And when you become another Fred Astaire,

don't forget your old buddy Duke.

You got that insincere look again.

Look, why don't you admit it? You made a mistake.

So let's just pack up and get out of here.

I told you. We're not leaving.

This is one of the fastest-growing towns in the country.

I'm tellin' you, there's a lot of money here, and we can get some of it.

Well, when you do, give $75 of it to the landlord.

Was he here again?

Yeah, about 10 minutes before you came in.

75 bucks a month for this firetrap.

Three weeks I've been sitting here,

three weeks just waiting for somebody to come through that door.

Just one patsy.

Hey, there.

Well, well, well,

one of our fighting men in uniform.

It's always nice to welcome

one of our boys in the service.

Are you Mr. Fay?

That's right, and this is Mrs. Fay.

Our friends call us Fred and Ginger.

Well, hey, Fred. Hey, Ginger.

My name's Gomer Pyle.

Private Gomer Pyle, and I got this in the mail.

I was just wonderin'

if you people have a plan like that one there,

and if you do,

I'd like to get my free dance lesson here.

I can dance some, but I wanna get a whack at

is some of that South American stuff.

Well, as a matter of fact,

we do have reciprocal agreements

with other dance studios throughout the United States and Canada.

Now, I'll check and see if the Plaza Dance Studio in Mayberry is listed.

May I have the reciprocal agreement, Ginger?

Oh, oh, the reciprocal agreement, yes.

Thank you.

All right, let's see here.

Uh, P, P, P, P, P.

Ah, Plaza Dance Studio, Mayberry.

There we go, Gomer, we can give you the free dance lesson.

Well, I sure would be much obliged.

And there is no time like the present to start.

Ginger, give Gomer his free lesson.

Oh, I'd love to.

Ain't I lucky?

Imagine you folks havin' the same kind of plan they got back home!

I hope I don't dance too bad for you.

Oh, I'll bet you'll be

the best pupil I've had in weeks.

Oh, Ginger,

may I speak to you for a second?

Look, this clown could be our "in" at the Marine base.

Sweetie, leave it to me.

Oh, yes, we'll start with the cha-cha-cha,

but before we put the record on,

let me just show you the basic counts, all right?

All right.

Now, you come right here.

And we begin,

and one, two, three, cha-cha-cha,

two, three, cha-cha-cha,

two, three, cha-cha-cha,

two, three, cha-cha-cha,

two, three, cha-cha-cha, two, three, cha-cha-cha,

two, three. Good, Gomer.

Two, three, cha-cha-cha,

two, three, cha-cha-cha,

two, three. Now keep your shoulders up.

Cha-cha-cha.

You can relax a little bit.

And cha-cha-cha, two, three, cha-cha-cha,

two, three, cha-cha-cha, two, three...

Whoo!

Whoo, that was some workout, Gomer!

Well, you did just fine.

You mean an hour's up already?

Yes, as a matter of fact,

it's been an hour and 15 minutes.

Boy, don't time fly when you're havin' fun?

Oh, that was just fine, Gomer, fine.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate your kindness.

It was real nice of you

to give me that free dance lesson.

Thank you, Ginger.

Thank you, Fred.

It was a pleasure meetin' both of you.

Well, I expect I better be gettin' back now,

so, bye.

Well, now, hold it. Wait a minute.

Uh, what about your other lessons?

You just can't quit after your first free one.

You mean I get more free lessons?

Well, no, only the first one is free,

but that is given on the condition

that you sign up for a full course.

Oh, I didn't know about that. Of course.

Otherwise, we'd just be in business to give free lessons.

And we'd like to do that,

because we enjoy our work, but we have to pay the rent.

Now, you could take our minimum course,

which is 10 lessons for only $50.

$50?

Oh, well, it would be for your own good, Gomer.

With only one lesson under your belt,

you'd be a menace on that dance floor.

Fred's right, Gomer.

That would be like giving someone one driving lesson

and then turning them loose on the highway.

Yeah, but $50...

Well, now, I said you could take that course,

but I wouldn't advise it for you.

No, I think you'd be better off with our 3-month plan.

Now, that costs $100,

but you have three months to pay.

And that comes to just a little over $33 a month.

Well, that's a little better.

Maybe the 6-month plan would be even better than that, Fred.

That's only $25 a month.

Well, actually, I think the 2-year plan

would be cheaper, Ginger.

That would come to just $20 a month.

You know, the 5-year plan would be even cheaper.

After only one small down payment, Gomer,

all you'd have to pay is $15 a month.

What do you think?

Well, I don't know.

I'm only a private, and we don't make much.

Don't you have a serviceman's rate, maybe?

Oh, I understand, Gomer, but...

Now, why didn't I think of it?

I have the perfect plan for you,

tailor-made for the man with a small income.

It's our cheapest course.

What's that? I don't know why I didn't think of it.

It's our lifetime plan.

Lifetime plan? That's right.

Now, our lifetime plan

enables you to take as many lessons as you want

when you want them

at any one of our studios throughout the world!

Well, how much is that one?

Well, according to our mortality rates,

a fellow your age on the lifetime plan

would wind up paying

an average of 8 cents a lesson.

Only 8 cents?

Well, I sure ought to be able to afford 8 cents a lesson.

That's good.

Now, if you'll just sign these contracts,

both copies, please.

Lifetime contract, huh?

Good anywhere in the world.

Shazam!

Cha-cha-cha, three, two, cha-cha-cha,

shoulders back, cha-cha-cha,

relax, cha-cha-cha, that's fine, Gomer...

Two, two, cha-cha-cha,

four, two, cha-cha-cha.

Pyle!

Oh, hey, Sergeant.

I finished my noon chow early

so I could come back and do this.

What do you think you're doing?

Practicin' my cha-cha. Do you cha-cha?

Pyle, this is a Marine barracks, not a ballet school.

Knock it off.

I'm sorry, Sergeant.

I was just practicin' so I'd be better for my next lesson.

Your what?

My next lesson. I signed up for dancin' lessons.

You signed up for what?

Dancin' lessons, over at the Fay Dance Studio.

They gave me this free lesson, and then I signed up...

You signed something? Did you sign a piece of paper?

Uh-huh, I signed a...

Let me see what you signed. Let me see it!

A lifetime contract?

Uh-huh. And they gave me a badge and everything.

How many times do I have to tell you, Pyle,

you don't sign anything!

Pyle, how many times do I have to tell you

that Marines are easy prey for crooks and swindlers?

These are con artists, and you have been conned!

Oh, no, Sergeant...

The minute you have to sign something,

you can smell the swindle!

But, Sergeant, if I just...

Tonight, right after chow, you're gonna take me over to that school.

I'm gonna meet these crumbs,

and I'm gonna get you out of this thing.

But I don't wanna get out. I'm gonna get you out of it!

But, Sergeant... Out, out! I'm gonna get you out!

This is the place right here.

But I don't really wanna get out of it, Sergeant.

Now, Pyle, I'm doing this for your own good.

Wait right here.

I'll be right back.

Well, well, well,

one of our fighting men in uniform!

It's always nice to welcome

one of our boys in the service.

Can I help you, Sergeant?

You sure can.

I'll say you can.

One of my men was in here yesterday. Gomer Pyle.

He tells me that... Who?

Gomer Pyle.

He tells me that you people sold him a lifetime membership.

Uh, Fred, did you see the way he walked?

If I didn't see it with my own eyes,

I wouldn't have believed it.

Walk toward us again.

Huh?

Just back up and walk toward us again.

I... I wanna see something.

There.

Now come on.

Come on.

Amazing!

A man so strong and so muscular,

and he walks as softly as a cat.

Yes, like a large cat.

Sergeant...

Dance a couple of steps for me.

What?

Oh, for me, please.

Well, maybe the Sergeant is a little self-conscious with an audience.

I've got some work to do in the back.

Shall we?

Just like a cat.

Like a big, graceful cat.

Hmm.

Hey, Sergeant.

How did it go? Did you have any trouble?

Pyle, you don't understand anything, do you?

Huh?

You fool, you ought to have your head examined,

signing a lifetime contract for dancing lessons.

I'm sorry, Sergeant.

You should have taken the 5-year plan, like I did!

Carter. Yo!

Davenport.

Hey, I got a letter from the dance studio.

They're writin' to me like we was pen pals.

You got one from 'em, too, Sergeant.

Davenport! Here.

Coogan! Here.

What?

What's the matter, Sergeant?

Well, it's a bill.

A bill for $250!

You see, Sergeant?

I told you not to take that 5-year plan.

That's the one with the big down payment.

You should have taken a lifetime plan, like me.

My bill's only $10 a month for life.

$250?

Hey, Sergeant!

Wait, and I'll dance over there.

Relax, I'll lead, Gomer.

Soon as I learn how to lead,

I'll be able to dance in any direction I want to.

Gomer's just about finished, Sergeant.

Are you ready for your lesson today?

I'm not taking a lesson today.

You're not?

I'm not taking a lesson today or any other day.

Well, is something the matter, Sergeant?

You bet there is. This contract. I want out.

I sure am sorry, Sergeant.

I thought we'd be kind of like classmates.

Pyle, can't you see what's going on here?

This whole dance school is a swindle.

A swindle?

It's a racket! Nothing but a racket!

Well, how are our two star pupils getting along?

Gomer's doing just fine, dear,

but Sergeant Carter seems to have a problem.

Oh. Something I can help you with, Sergeant?

Yeah. I'm quittin'.

I wanna be let out of my contract.

The Sergeant thinks he's being swindled.

Oh. Well, this is hard to believe.

Is this true, Sergeant?

That's right.

Well, Sergeant, I'm a reasonable man,

and this is a respectable business.

We don't believe in pressuring people.

Now, if you don't want any more lessons,

you don't have to take any more lessons.

I don't? Of course not.

If you don't want any, you don't have to take any.

Well, that's...

That's awfully decent of you.

Not at all.

Well, I...

Guess I'll be going.

Coming, Pyle? Sure, Sergeant.

Oh, Sergeant. Didn't you forget something?

Forget something?

Yes. The first installment on your bill.

$250.

But you said I didn't have to take the lessons.

That's right. You don't have to take the lessons.

You just have to pay the bills.

What are you trying to do?

Now, look, buddy,

we are not running a charity ball.

You signed a contract, you're gonna pay.

We'll see about that! Well, you will!

I will not!

You want me to bring legal action?

Do you want me to bring legal action?

Wait a minute, wait a minute!

Now, I know that there's a way out of this.

Mr. Fay, why don't you tear up the Sergeant's contract

like he wants you to?

And, Sergeant, why don't you sign a new contract?

A lifetime one, like I got.

It's only pennies a day.

Now, what can I do for you?

Well, sir, you see, I'm a sergeant,

and I got a lot of men under me.

My job is not only teaching them how to be Marines,

but I gotta be, like, uh, a buddy to 'em.

Most of 'em are just young kids

who've never been away from home before,

and they get clipped by every kind of con game there is.

Yes, Sergeant, I know.

Well, I try to steer them clear of these crooks,

but when these kids go into town,

I can't keep my eye on every one of them.

Oh, I understand.

Well, there's this dance studio in town.

Now it's a clip joint if ever I saw one.

They get these kids in there

and make them sign their lives away for dancing lessons!

And one of your men signed a contract?

Yes, sir.

And you want me to help him get out of it.

Well, not really. He's happy with the lessons.

Well, just what is it you want me to do?

Help me get out of mine.

You, Sergeant?

You signed one of those contracts?

Well, yes, sir, I...

Actually, I... I did it because I was trying to

trap 'em.

Yeah, that's it! I was trying to trap 'em!

Well, it seems your little scheme backfired.

It looks like they trapped you.

Yeah.

It looks like that.

You got the contract with you?

Yes, sir.

"Fay Dance Studio."

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah.

Well, it all seems in good order.

But I want out.

I'm afraid, Sergeant, there's nothing you can do.

The contract is legal.

You can't get out of it unless they let you out of it.

You mean I gotta pay all that money?

Yes, I'm sorry to say.

As long as the dance studio provides the services

they promise you in this contract,

a suitable place, a qualified partner,

made reasonably available to you,

this contract is binding.

And there's nothing I can do?

Nothing.

I, uh, do have one suggestion, Sergeant.

Yes, sir?

Buy yourself a pair of dancing shoes. You'll need them.

Laundry: $5.75.

Insurance: $17.50.

Company fund: $10.

Allotment for mother: $50.

Dancing lessons: $250.

Hey, Sergeant.

You ain't very happy, are you, Sergeant?

No, I'm not.

Well, I sure wish there was something I could do to cheer you up.

I feel like this whole thing's my fault.

I said forget it!

Maybe if you went and took a dancin' lesson with me tonight,

you'd feel better.

It's kind of lonesome there without you.

You miss me, huh?

Uh-huh. Not only me, but Fred and Ginger miss you, too.

I'll bet.

In fact, Fred said if you didn't come back to see him soon,

he was gonna ask the company commander

if he couldn't come here and see you.

He said that? That's right.

There's just one thing I don't understand, Sergeant.

If you've got to pay for them dancin' lessons,

how come you don't take 'em?

Look, if you're gonna take a dancing lesson tonight, go!

Just leave me alone!

Hey, Sergeant, I got an idea.

Good! Now go!

Now, wait a minute. Listen.

Why don't I scout around

for somebody to take over your contract?

Swell. Why stop with one? Why stop with one?

Why not get two, three, four...

Why not get the whole base to take dancing lessons?

Well, I don't know about... Wait a minute!

Wait a minute!

Did you hear what I just said?

Look, you're going there for a dancing lesson tonight?

Get a stack of those contracts.

Lots and lots of contracts!

Sign these contracts and hand them back.

Just sign them and do as I tell you.

Pass the rest of these out, down there.

What's this all about? Who wants dance lessons anyway?

Just sign the contract! Sign it. Yeah, but why do we have to...

Don't ask so many questions. Sign it! Sign it!

But I still don't see why...

Sign it! Sign it!

Sergeant, I can't tell you how happy I feel.

But why did you change your mind about my place for

and bring me all the business?

Well, Fred... Do you mind if I call you Fred?

Please!

Well, Fred, I got to thinking.

It's not such a bad deal after all.

I mean, dancing is exercise.

It could be good for the men!

It's wonderful! Wonderful!

When are we gonna get to do our tango?

Go, man, go, go, go!

Drop this minuet and put on some steam, baby!

When are we gonna get to do our tango?

We ain't done our tango yet.

Oh, I quit!

I quit!

You can't quit! You can't quit!

We got contracts. Right, fellas?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Contracts? Oh, yeah?

Well, we'll just see about that!

Contracts, my foot!

Ginger, what are you doing?

She's tearin' up all the contracts.

- Yeah, how about that? - I quit! I quit!

She didn't get mine. She still owes me a tango.

You're a free man, Pyle.

You're free, I'm free. She tore up my contract!

I still never did get to tango.

Okay, Duke, close your eyes. Here's the first one.

Coogan. Moskawich. Here.

Forget it, Gomer.

I got so overheated dancing last night, I caught a cold.

Carter. CARTER: Right here.

Well, at least I know it's not a bill from a dance studio.

Somerville. Here.

Stahl. Right here.

Watson.

How about that?

It's a bill from a lawyer for $100.

Did you sign up for some law lessons, Sergeant?