Original subtitles

Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

Whoa!

What's up, Vince?

A damsel in distress.

And in order to preserve the image of the courteous Marine,

I think it's only right that I should help.

Okay, but hurry up, will you?

Hey, we'll wait for you.

Are you kiddin'? You're on your own, fellas.

Sergeant Carter is now going on reconnaissance alone.

See you tomorrow.

Have a ball, Vince.

Hi. Can I give you a hand?

Oh, thank you... Sergeant.

Carter, Vince Carter.

Betty Ann Brewster.

Nice to meet you.

What happened?

Well, I don't know.

I stopped to pick some flowers for my mother,

and the car just wouldn't start again.

Well, I guess my horoscope was right.

It said, "this day should bring you

"unexpected opportunity to pursue your hobby."

What's your hobby, cars?

Girls.

Well, let's take a look, huh?

Maybe your oil filter's clogged.

No, it ain't.

Oh, Sergeant, I'm so sorry.

Oh, that's okay. I'll get a new one in town.

Oh, no. Absolutely not.

I insist that you come to my house, and I'll wash it for you.

Huh?

But it'll take so long to dry.

Well, then we'll just have to sit there together until it does.

Let me get this thing fixed.

Well, thank you, and in the meantime,

I'll just go and pick some more flowers.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, ma'am!

Can I give you a hand?

Well, thank you, but that nice gentleman

was kind enough to stop and help me.

Hey, buddy, can I give you a hand?

Huh?

Well, I'll be! Hey, Sergeant!

Pyle, what are you doing here?

I was on my way into town,

and I just thought I'd stop and help.

Look, Pyle, I, uh...

Oh, looky there, you got a spot on your shirt.

All right, get moving, Pyle!

On your way! Move it!

I think your trouble is your distributor.

I'll have it fixed in a second.

That ain't the distributor. That's the generator.

Distributor's over there.

Get lost, Pyle. Get lost.

It ain't the distributor, miss.

Oh, there it is. I see the trouble.

What? What is it?

Well, back home, when one feller finds the trouble,

he gives the letter it starts with,

and then the other feller has to guess.

The letter's "S".

Pyle, I haven't got time for games.

I should have said "S.P." It's two words.

What is it?

You give up already?

Pyle!

Well, the first word's "spark."

Do you know what the "p" stands for?

"Plug", spark plug, you get it?

Fix it, Pyle, just fix it.

Yes, sir.

You can get in the car, miss.

It'll be fixed in just a jiffy.

You see what happened, miss,

is them little rubber caps popped off your spark plugs.

I never have seen that happen before by accident.

Usually, you have to give them things a good tug to get 'em off,

but I guess if you hang around cars long enough,

you're bound to see everything.

All right, Pyle! Get a move on!

Yes, sir.

I'll just snap these little rubber caps right back on.

First time I ever seen anything like this happen by accident.

Give her a try now, ma'am.

Uh, thank you, Pyle.

Look, I'm sorry we can't give you a lift into town,

but you know how these little cars are.

They only seat two people.

Oh, that's all right.

The walk will do me good anyways.

I'm sorry I can't take both of you,

but since this is the young man who fixed the car,

it's only fair that I take him.

Get in, Private.

You can sit on my lap if you want to, Sergeant.

Oh, that was a sweet thing for you to do, son.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate

you takin' care of my little girl like that.

She's all I've got.

If you don't mind my sayin' so, ma'am,

she may be all you've got,

but what you got sure is fine.

I think so.

Oh, now. Gomer, your hands must be dirty from fixing that car,

so why don't you go and wash up?

There's a fresh towel right next to the window.

Yes, ma'am. Mechanics' hands are always dirty.

The only time Wally's hands were ever clean was on Sunday.

You could still tell he was a mechanic

because of his fingernails.

Oh, right over here, Gomer.

There.

Well?

Oh, he's perfect.

Have I ever picked a wrong one yet?

No, but we got to be careful. Very careful.

Don't worry. I just wish we had 10 Gomers.

I hope he's as dumb as that sailor we had in Norfolk.

Mom, next to Gomer, that sailor was Albert Einstein.

He sounds too good to be true.

Believe me, my only problem

was choosing between Gomer

and the sergeant who stopped to help me.

He ran Gomer a pretty close second.

Ma'am?

Well, what is it, Gomer?

Ma'am, I just made a terrible mistake.

Well, what happened?

Well, you remember you told me

that the towel was right by the window?

Yes.

Well, before I realized it wasn't a towel,

I dried my hands on the curtains.

He's perfect. Just perfect.

What?

Oh, I was just telling Betty Ann

how perfectly wonderful you were to help her.

And I told Betty Ann

that I insist that you stay for dinner.

Well, I don't know whether I ought to do that.

Oh, please, Gomer. Please say you'll stay.

You mean a regular dinner,

where you sit down at a table and everything?

Just the three of us.

Just one little, happy family.

Ma'am, you're makin' my eyeballs puddle up.

Will you stay?

Will I?

Oh, good.

And, Gomer, don't call me "ma'am."

Call me "Mom"?

Okay,

Mom.

Oh, thank you, son!

And I'm going to cook you the finest meal you ever ate.

Candied yams and noodle pudding, hominy grits,

and my specialty,

chicken and dumplings cooked in sherry wine.

Oh, my!

I just remembered I'm fresh out of cooking sherry.

Gomer, dear, will you do me a favor?

Sure. Anything, ma'am.

"Mom."

Mom.

Look, would you mind going to the spirits store...

Spirits store?

Well, I just hate to say the word... "liquor."

You are a good woman.

You just tell me what you want, and I'll get it for you.

Oh, fine.

Now, I'll just write down the kind to get.

It's a special kind.

And I'm going to put in a check

for the man at the store to cash.

He does that for me.

Betty Ann, you sure are a lucky girl.

She's the sweetest mom I ever met.

She certainly is.

Well, here you are, son.

Now, you just hand this

to the man at the store,

and he'll give you what I want.

And remember, he'll be giving you

a little money to bring back for the check I put in there.

Okay, Mom.

Just tell me where that store's at.

Oh, I'm going to drive you there, Gomer, and wait for you.

Good. We'll see you later, Mom.

Oh, he's just perfect.

Good afternoon. May I help you?

Say!

You got just about everything in here, haven't you?

Yes, sir.

Is there something I can help you with?

Oh, it's all wrote down here in the note, exactly.

Do you understand the note all right?

Are you sure all the money's there?

I'm glad I asked. I wouldn't want no mistakes.

Much obliged, buddy.

Ma'am, that's the best-tastin' apple pie

I've had since I left home.

Thank you, Gomer. But, that's sweet of you to say.

I mean it.

Well, Gomer, we'd like you to come for dinner whenever you can.

Gosh, I just don't have the words

to express my appreciation.

Well, you don't have to, Gomer.

You've been ever so helpful already.

Well, it's been my privilege.

I just wish there was more I could do for you.

Well, I'm sure you two children

don't need an old lady sitting around,

so I'm just going to mosey off to bed.

Oh. Oh, Betty Ann, will you bring me that dish, please?

Now, he's in your hands now.

You make sure he wants to come back.

Good night, son.

'Night, Mom.

Shall we sit?

Gomer?

Huh?

What do you do in Mayberry

when you're sitting with a girl

with the lights turned down low?

You really want to see?

Mmm-hmm.

I'll have to pull down the shade.

All right.

Okay.

Are you ready?

Go ahead.

Now, tell the truth.

Don't that look like a real, live swan?

So, tell us the whole story, Gome. What happened?

So, her car is stalled...

Well, I give her the once-over,

and then I realize she popped her plugs.

She wasn't even sparkin'.

No. Who cares about the car, Gome?

What about the girl? The girl...

Yeah, was the girl pretty?

Oh, Betty Ann was more than pretty,

she was beautiful.

You ask Sergeant Carter. He seen her.

And she's got this sporty little car.

It's fire-engine red with whitewall tires.

Gomer, what happened?

Well, then her mom,

this sweet, little old lady,

home-cooked us a chicken dinner

with candied yams and all the fixings.

We ain't interested in your diet.

What happened?

Then we went into the livin' room,

where the lights had been turned down real low.

And? And? And?

You see, her mom had gone to bed and left me and Betty Ann

sittin' there on the sofa in the dark.

And? And? And?

Well, we sat there a while,

and then I done some of my silhouettes

on the window shade.

And that made her sleepy, so I went on home.

Oh, boy.

All right! Everybody out on the road!

Hey, Sergeant!

I was just tellin' the fellers what happened yesterday.

Ain't life funny?

Just think. If you'd have fixed Betty Ann's car, instead of me,

you'd have been the one that had that home-cooked meal instead of me.

You had dinner with her? Uh-huh.

And you'd have been the one sittin' in the parlor with her instead of me.

You sat in the parlor with her?

Uh-huh. Ain't life funny?

On the road, Pyle.

Just because I fixed her car instead of you.

Outside, Pyle!

Ain't life funny, though? Tell the truth. Ain't...

Move it, move it, move it!

You must think me awfully silly, Gomer,

but I ran out of cooking sherry again.

Oh, don't worry, ma'am.

I'll be glad to go get you some.

I knew you would. Oh, you are such a dear boy.

Well... I wrote down exactly what I want.

So you just hand this envelope to the clerk.

Like you did yesterday.

I like shoppin' like this.

You can't forget nothin'.

Did you put the check in the envelope, Mother?

Oh, yes, dear.

Oh, those darling Boy Scouts

were around this morning for a donation,

and I gave them all my cash.

So, Gomer, you make sure the clerk gives you the change.

Oh, he will, ma'am.

He's a real friendly feller.

We're going to a different liquor store today, Gomer...

One on Fairview Street.

The man isn't doing too well,

and Mother thinks we ought to give him the business.

Oh, you are two of the most kindly people

I've ever known.

I hope them storekeepers appreciate

what you're doin' for 'em.

Off you go.

Good afternoon, sir.

Hey, there, buddy. How are things goin'?

Sort of quiet.

Well, this ought to brighten up your day some.

Hey, you guys see this?

"Marine bandit strikes again."

Hey, how about that guy? He knocked off another liquor store.

How do you figure? Do you think he's a real Marine?

No, he wouldn't wear his uniform.

He'd have to be an idiot.

No, sir, no real Marine would do anything like that.

Why, that'd be a disgrace to the whole Corps.

That's what it'd be.

You people that are going on liberty,

make sure you're squared away.

All set, Sarge.

Take off.

Let's go, guys.

What is that?

Stout-Hearted Men.

What?

Stout-Hearted Men. That's the name of the new hair tonic I'm usin'.

The radio announcer says

it has that clean, masculine aroma.

You wouldn't, by any chance, have another date?

Yes, sir.

Oh, you remember Betty Ann, the girl that popped her plugs?

She had that little-bitty car, and she had room for me,

and she didn't have room for you.

I remember, I remember.

Ain't life funny, Sergeant?

If you'd fixed Betty Ann's car, instead of me,

you'd be the one goin' in for dinner in the evenin'.

I'll tell you, life sure is funny.

Get out of here!

Now, the store is right over there.

Gomer, are you sure you have the note?

You bet you, I have.

Pyle!

Hey, Sergeant. What are you doin' here?

I've been lookin' all over for you.

You have? Is somethin' the matter?

You've got to get back to the base.

Hi, Betty Ann.

Hello, Sergeant.

But why, sir?

I never saw anyone leave his bunk in such a mess!

The hospital corners on your bunk were a disgrace!

They were?

Pyle, you'd better get back

before the duty officer checks the barracks,

or he'll really lay you out.

If you hurry, you can probably just make it.

But I got to pick up somethin' for Betty Ann's mom.

Please, it won't take very long, Sergeant.

Well, how about I do it? He's got to get back.

Well...

Well, any little errand he can run, I can run.

Well, I suppose so.

I guess it'll be all right.

Well, it's that store right there, Sergeant.

And you just give the clerk this note,

and he'll give you a bottle of cookin' sherry,

and there's a check in there he'll cash for you.

It's all in the note.

Okay. Now you get to the bus station

and get the first bus back to the base.

I hope you beat the duty officer.

Don't worry, Sergeant, I will, and thank you for warnin' me.

Bye, Miss Betty Ann.

I got to get back to the base now,

but the Sergeant Carter here will take over real fine for me.

Get the car started, honey. I'll be right back.

Good afternoon, Sergeant.

You certainly seem happy today.

You'd be happy, too, if you were in my shoes.

Here. It's all in the envelope.

And make it snappy. I got a lot of lost time to make up for.

I know exactly what you mean.

Come on! I ain't got all night! Move it!

Hi, Mom.

Hello, dear. Dinner's almost ready, Gom...

What happened to Gomer?

Well, he had to go back to the base.

This is Sergeant Carter, who was nice enough to fill in for Gomer.

Hi, Mom. I've heard a lot about you.

Oh, thank you, Sergeant.

Now, you just make yourself at home,

and we'll be back in a minute.

I'll be waitin' for you.

What happened? Why did Gomer leave?

Well, he's so stupid, he can't even make his bed right.

They sent him back to camp.

I'm afraid of this one.

A Private, okay, but this one's a Sergeant.

They're smarter.

Oh, not this one. He's the one I was telling you about.

He was with Gomer that first day.

Besides, he already pulled our job for us.

Look, it's our biggest haul yet.

We Now repeat the special news bulletin

we gave you a few minutes ago.

The Marine Bandit has struck again.

For the third time in as many days,

a liquor store was victimized by this daring bandit.

Today, the scene of the crime was Harry's Liquor Store on Jefferson Avenue.

Hey, did you hear that?

The Marine Bandit just hit the liquor store we were in.

This time, the bandit wore the uniform of a Marine Sergeant.

The dirty rat.

According to the proprietor's description,

the Sergeant was about 5'10" tall,

stockily built, thick-necked,

with beady, brown eyes and a crew haircut.

That kind always has beady eyes.

And as in the two previous robberies,

he handed the proprietor a note in a white envelope,

demanding money and a bottle of cooking sherry.

Stay tuned for more details.

White envelope...

Cooking sherry.

Marine!

Here, Mom. I've got everything.

Good. Well, that ought to hold him.

Come on.

These are the ones, officers! These two right here!

All right, you two.

Shame, shame, shame on you!

What you two done is a disgrace to ladyhood!

And to think you used me to help you.

Ill-gotten gains is what it was!

Ill-gotten gain!

I'll take care of the Sergeant, Officer.

All right, Fred, take her on out.

C'mon, lady. All right, let's go.

Hey, Sergeant.

Ain't this the awfulest thing you ever seen?

And I thought they was such nice ladies.

Why, they had me buffaloed right from the start.

They had me workin' for 'em.

Gettin' 'em their ill-gotten gains.

I know what you're thinking. You want to know how I caught on to 'em.

Well, this is the way it was, Sergeant.

There I was, sittin' in the bus station,

waitin' on the bus to take me back to the camp,

just like you told me to,

with nothin' else on my mind except them hospital corners,

when, all of a sudden, this feller's voice come on the radio

and said the Marine Bandit had struck again.

Well, he had such a nice, deep voice,

you couldn't help but pay attention to it.

And then he said the bandit had this crew haircut

and was a little stocky.

You are kind of stocky, Sergeant.

Not "plump" stocky,

but I spot a jiggle in your jowls every once in a while.

Anyway, he said about the envelope and the letter,

so I just put two and two together.

Ain't life funny, Sergeant?

Just think, if you hadn't have found me,

I'd be sittin' there all tied up,

and you'd be sittin' here talkin'.

Ain't life funny, now?

Whoa!

Pyle!

Hey, Sergeant!

I was just fixin' this nice lady's car.

Her valves need grindin',

but I think I can get her to go.

Yeah, well, suppose you let me take over from here on.

Huh?

I said, get lost.

But, Sergeant, I...

Pyle, you did it to me once.

So I'm doing it right back to you.

You cut me out with that Betty Ann dame.

Yeah, but she turned out to be a robber.

That's right, so the law of averages says

this should turn out right this time.

But, Sergeant, I... Beat it, Pyle.

But, Sergeant... Move it, move it!

How do, ma'am?

I hope you don't mind, but the Private had to leave on urgent business,

so I'll take over for him, okay?

Oh, bless you, son.

It's so sweet of you to do this.