Original subtitles

Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

Big plans today, huh, Sarge?

Big, big, big plans.

Oh, this doesn't sound like your ordinary, average,

leave-it-to-chance date to me.

It ain't, McCabe.

I ain't leaving nothing to chance this time.

I've been trying to get a whole day,

an entire Saturday, with this girl ever since I met her.

And I'm gonna make every minute count.

Do you want to hear the battle plan? Go.

Okay.

I leave here at exactly 1200 hours.

I drive to her house.

At exactly 1233 hours, I arrive on target

and squeeze off two fast bursts on her doorbell.

You still with me? Go, man.

At 1234 hours, we will have rendezvoused,

and the convoy will proceed to Half-Moon Beach.

The maneuver area?

Nothing so crude.

This is a long-range objective.

No, no.

On the beach, it'll be strictly sand, sun, and,

"Oh, Sergeant, I think tattoos are so manly."

But then,

then comes 1700,

the cocktail hour.

In the darkness of the lounge of The Purple Pagoda,

we'll sit, sipping exotic, tropical drinks,

gazing romantically into each other's eyes.

What about those scratchy, wet bathing suits?

That's why I picked The Purple Pagoda.

I know the bartender there. He'll let us change in the restrooms.

You really do go high line.

Then

after a sumptuous meal at Madam Woo's,

we'll drive out to Breakers Point.

And there we'll sit, under the moonlight,

her head on my shoulder.

Do I dare go on?

Big plans.

Big, big, big plans.

You got a swinging Saturday afternoon planned, Gomer?

Yeah, are you going to the public library and feed the pigeons?

Oh, no. Nothing like that.

What I'm gonna do is go to the park and have my picture made

alongside the Civil War cannon.

A picture alongside a cannon? What for?

It'll match up real good with the one that I had made

alongside the cannon down in San Diego.

Then you know what I'm gonna do?

Add it to my collection of cannon pictures.

You have a collection of cannon pictures?

Didn't I ever tell you about that?

You know what my favorite is?

What?

A howitzer from World War I.

That's wonderful, Gome. Is that it?

You take a picture with a cannon, and that's the day?

Oh, no. I'll wait around till dark.

Nighttime's the most exciting time of all.

Well, what do you got planned then, Gome?

Well, just before dark,

I go and get myself a cream soda and a wrapped sandwich,

and I go to that park in the middle of the square,

and I sit down on a bench.

Now, you got to get there early, or otherwise, you'll miss it.

Miss what?

The street lights.

What about 'em?

They turn 'em on.

So?

So, you're there when the lights come on.

You can make a wish.

Is that a big deal?

Oh, it's a sight to behold.

It's a whole lot different from back home.

In Mayberry when it gets dark,

the only light on Main Street you can see

is the vigil lamp in Elden Yakle's Funeral Parlor.

Sounds like a full day, Gomer.

What a dirty break. What a mean, dirty break.

What's the matter, Frank?

Well, they just slapped me on a special guard detail,

and I was counting on this weekend liberty.

That's a shame, Frank.

Yeah. You know, today,

I... I was gonna take Lois and the baby in for his checkup,

get in a bunch of groceries, and uh, I don't know what all.

That is a mean break.

Maybe I could help out since I'm goin' in and everything.

No, no, Gomer. What could you do?

Well, I could pick up the groceries for you.

I'd be glad to do that.

No, no, I couldn't put you out like that.

Oh, it won't put me out. Not a bit.

I'd be glad to do it, Frank. Honest, I would.

You mean that, Gomer? I do. I really do.

Yeah, I sure would be obliged.

Hey, look, I'll call Lois and tell her you're coming.

And... And here... here's some money.

And here's her grocery list, and...

Now, you're sure, Gomer?

Positive.

Hey, thanks, Gomer. Thanks a lot.

Hey, that's nice of you, buddy.

Well... Hey,

what about your cannon picture?

Oh, I can take that in the evening just as well.

I've got a flash attachment on my camera.

I don't believe I've got a picture with a cannon at night.

Hey, Pyle.

Hey, Sergeant Carter.

What's the matter, Pyle?

Ain't the chow in the mess hall good enough for you?

Oh, no, it ain't that at all.

Then what are you doing with all them groceries?

Oh, these are for Frank Meade's wife and little baby.

You see, he got stuck with guard duty,

so I offered to do this for him.

It's just a neighborly gesture, is all.

Where do they live?

Out that-a-way somewheres.

It's near the pumping station.

You mean you're gonna walk all the way out there?

I don't mind.

This ain't near as heavy as the field pack.

Get in. Get in. I'll give you a lift.

Are you sure? Get in, get in, get in, get in.

I don't want to put you out. Get in, get in, get in.

Uh-oh, you missed the light again.

Yeah.

This sure is nice of you to do this for me, Sergeant.

It's okay, Pyle.

Hey, Sergeant,

if you haven't got nothing better to do later on,

maybe we could meet and see the sights together.

I don't think so, Pyle.

Have you got plans?

Big plans. Big, big, big plans.

Pyle, are you sure you got the right address?

Maybe this is the one, Sergeant.

It looks like what Frank said.

This better be it, Pyle.

You cost me 20 minutes already.

Oh, I'm sure this is the one.

See? There's a playpen out in front,

and that's always a sign that there's a baby in the house.

Then move it. I told you I was in a hurry. Let's go.

I'm much obliged to you, Sergeant.

I'm going with you. I got to call my girl.

Oh, are you meetin' a girl?

Not a girl, the girl.

Come on, come on, come on.

Oh, Gomer, it's you.

Hey, ma'am.

This was so nice of you. Come on in.

Glad to do it.

This is Sergeant Carter.

He's the Sergeant over Frank and me.

Say, "Hey" to Mrs. Frank Meade, Sergeant.

Hi. Hi.

I'm sorry about all this noise,

but Frank Junior is teething.

That's okay. May I use your phone?

Oh, uh, sure. Help yourself. Thank you.

Oh, now what did I do with his bottle?

What would you like me to do with these, ma'am?

Oh, would you just bring those in the kitchen for me?

Yes, ma'am.

Hello, Bernice.

How did you guess?

Now, look, baby, I'm sorry I'm late like this,

but something came up.

It's just as well.

As a matter of fact, I'm still fixing my hair.

You're gettin' all prettied up for Vince, huh?

I'd be there right now, but I gave one of my men a lift,

and we had a hard time finding the place.

Honey,

we got the whole, beautiful day ahead of us.

Oh, wow. I can hardly wait.

Well, I'll see you in a little while, you silly Sergeant, you.

You're really lookin' forward to it, huh, baby?

Well, I got big plans for today,

big, big, big plans.

Hey, Frank Junior. Hey, little feller.

Look at him grin at me.

That's gas, Gomer.

Huh? When they grin, it's gas.

Oh, no. That's a happy grin. That ain't a gas grin.

Well, I'm going to be late to that doctor's office. I just know it.

How far is it from here?

Well, I have to take two buses,

and if I miss my connection, he'll be gone

because it's Saturday afternoon.

Why did they have to pick this weekend

to keep Frank at the base?

I'll never make it.

Will I hurry?

Honey, when you hang up, head for the door

because I don't want to ring twice.

What you need is somebody to drive you to the doctor's office.

Do you have a car? No, but he does. Don't you, Sergeant?

What? Don't I what, huh?

Have a car to drive Miss Lois to the doctor in.

Oh, Sergeant, would you? I'd be so grateful to you.

Oh, well, I...

That's real nice of you, Sergeant. Real nice.

But I, uh...

An act of mercy is what it is. Oh, it certainly is.

A plain act of mercy. Sergeant, you're a kindly man.

I hope I'm not interfering with any plans, Sergeant.

Well, I do have... Oh, he don't mind, ma'am.

Sergeant Carter would rather perform an act of mercy than anything.

Hadn't you, Sergeant?

But I got to make a phone call first.

She don't mind. Do you, Lois?

Oh, no. Go right ahead, please.

Sergeant, the doctor's office closes on Saturday afternoon,

so don't talk too long, will you?

Bernice?

Hi, baby. Me again.

Something just came up.

Do you know something? I've seen more of this town in the last half-hour

than I have in a whole 24-hour pass.

I'm awfully sorry, Sergeant.

I had no idea they were tearing up Front Street.

But I can't thank you enough, really.

Sure, sure. Okay.

Thank you kindly, Sergeant.

I sure appreciate it for her.

So, I'll see you.

I'm not going anywhere yet, Pyle.

I got to make another phone call.

Oh. Well, in that case then, you can help me with some of this baby truck.

May I help you?

No, ma'am. We're friends of Mrs. Meade's.

Sergeant, here, drove her over. Oh, I see.

Uh, pardon me, miss. Could I use your phone? It's urgent.

Is it a local call?

Just barely. Help yourself.

You know, Sergeant,

you could've stopped and picked up your girlfriend when we went by her house.

Oh, that would have been great.

She might even have invited you all

along on the date with us.

Oh, I don't think Lois would want to with the baby.

But, say, if I could know where you're gonna be later on...

Bernice?

Hi, honey. This is Vince again.

Baby, you're not gonna believe this when I tell you.

Well, honey, listen. If you don't get here soon,

we won't have much time to do anything.

Just sit tight, honey.

I'll see you later. Goodbye.

Okay, Pyle. You're on your own.

Thanks again, Sergeant.

That's Sergeant Carter. He's the most thoughtful person.

Oh?

That's the third time he's called that girl

to tell her he's gonna be late.

That's the kind of thoughtful person he is.

What did the doctor say about Frank Junior?

He's fine. He told me to put him on solid food.

Do you hear that, Frank Junior?

Why, in no time at all, you're gonna be eatin' hamburgers and hot dogs.

Hey, Sergeant.

What are you doin' still here? I thought you'd gone to your date.

Let me have a look at her.

Keep away from it, Pyle. Just stay away.

I used to work in a filling station before I was a Marine.

My experience could be a blessin' at a time like this.

Now give her a try.

A wire jiggled loose on your distributor.

Well, have a good time.

Where do you think the bus stop is?

Get in, get in, get in.

Excuse me.

This is really nice.

Couldn't be better if we had our own private chauffeur.

Gosh, Sergeant. Too bad you don't have a telephone in your car

like one of them radio taxicabs.

Wouldn't that be a lick?

Oh, Frankie, please.

Gomer, I can't find my key.

Here, let me take the little feller, ma'am.

Well, now, what are you makin' that funny face for?

What's the matter? Why are you crying?

Oh, this stupid lock.

Here, let me try, ma'am.

Sergeant, take Frank, would you?

Huh? But I don't know the first thing about...

I didn't do anything to him.

Well, I never.

He must like you, Sergeant.

Ain't that the limit?

There it goes.

Here, Pyle, take him.

Just a minute. Let me put this down.

There's no two ways about it, Sergeant.

This little feller really likes you.

But I gotta make a phone call.

I'll take him.

Come on, darling.

Sergeant, give me your car keys.

Maybe that will quiet him down.

All right, give him to me.

My goodness.

Wally, the feller I worked for back home,

used to say that if children and dogs liked you,

you was all right.

How are you with dogs, Sergeant?

Great.

Bernice? Hi, honey, it's...

I know who it is, and I know what you're callin' about. I've been sittin'...

Honey... BERNICE: Why don't you...

Honey, honey, honey,

I... I know there have been a lot of delays,

but after I talked to you, the car broke down.

Yeah, yeah.

And Pyle fixed it for me,

so I couldn't just leave him standing there with Lois.

Just great! Making a date

and then running all over town with another girl!

Wait a minute. Lois ain't a girl. She's a married woman.

A married woman?

Look, if you'll just stop yelling and listen a minute...

Listen. Listen.

Listen!

I told you I picked this fella up downtown,

and it wasn't gonna take me more than five minutes to drop him off.

That's awful! Just awful!

Well, that's just too bad.

If that's the way you want it, that's the way you got it.

Give me the kid!

I appreciate everything.

Well, I have to go get his dinner ready.

Uh, Sergeant, I'm awfully sorry about your date.

Not your fault.

Golly, Sergeant,

you and that baby really make a picture.

They ought to make a Marine poster out of that.

Bless your hearts, both of you.

Pyle, you hear me, and you hear me good.

Once I get you back on that base,

you are going to think that boot camp was a Sunday school picnic.

I know what I done, Sergeant,

and I'm truly sorry.

"Sorry" don't get me to The Purple Pagoda.

"Sorry" don't bring back that afternoon in the sun.

"Sorry" don't save a lost weekend.

Sorry...

He's sorry.

Maybe I can make it up to you.

Now, maybe you can.

Maybe you just can.

You just tell me how, and I'll be ever so glad to oblige.

Oh, I'll tell you, I'll tell you real good.

You can make it up to me on your next 10 liberties.

How, Sergeant? By not having 'em.

You are going to be on that base so long,

you're gonna have such a wait before you finally get a liberty...

Sergeant. What?

Look how the little feller's holding onto your tie.

Smart kid.

He's trying to hold me back from killing you

right here and now.

I sure wish there was somethin' I could do.

Gomer? Where's Gomer?

Mmm? Mmm?

Oh, were you asleep?

I... I'm sorry.

What happened to Gomer?

Mmm?

I don't know. He must have left while I was dozing off.

Here.

He's sleeping like a lamb.

Yeah.

Well, I guess I'd better clear out of here.

Sergeant, I... I can't thank you enough.

Really, I don't know what I would have done without you.

Forget it.

My keys, they're gone.

Your keys? Well, let's see.

We were using them to quiet the baby.

Sure, that's it. Pyle took 'em.

Why, that miserable...

He took my car. Gomer? Oh, he couldn't.

Well, it's gone.

The car is gone. So is Pyle.

Sure, that's it.

He figured I was asleep, he'd borrow my car.

He borrowed my car!

Oh, I just can't believe that.

I'm gonna get the police on this.

I'll fix him real good.

Operator, get me the police. It's an emergency.

Give, give, give, give.

How do you like that...

Police? I want to report a stolen car,

and I know exactly who stole it,

Private Gomer Pyle.

Never mind!

Come on in, ma'am.

Bernice,

this here's Lois Meade,

and that there's your Sergeant Carter.

And that's little Frankie, like I was tellin' you about.

Bernice here was gettin' a mite upset

because Sergeant Carter was so late for his date.

Oh, don't be angry with him.

He's been so wonderful.

I don't know what I would have done without him.

Me neither, or little Frankie there.

Taking us to the doctor and all.

I hope you didn't mind that I borrowed your car,

but you was so wore out from all you'd done today that I hated to wake you.

See there, ma'am?

It's just like I described it to you, right?

And you thought he was out gallivanting with some gal.

Not our Sergeant Carter.

Why, he's preformed so many acts of mercy this day,

he's made hisself a place in heaven for sure.

You want to know what all he's done?

I'll tell you what all he's done.

First of all, he helped me bring home the groceries.

Second, he took the baby and Miss Lois to the doctor.

And third, when that young one wouldn't quit crying,

he took that baby...

Well, I sure hate to eat and run like this, Lois.

Thank you so much. Oh, that's all right.

You and the Sergeant get on to that movie.

Yeah, you don't want to get in the middle of a movie.

I'll take care of KP.

Yeah, I'll see you at reveille, Pyle.

Right, Sergeant, when that old bugle goes...

Pyle!

Boy, that's a good Marine for you.

Wakes up right at reveille.

Oh, Frankie.

Take the baby, Vince.

No, I wouldn't think of keeping you from the movie.

You've missed too much already. You go ahead.

Hey, I got an idea. You have?

You don't have to miss any of the movie.

We can all go to a drive-in and take little Frankie with us.

Huh?

Hey, that's a wonderful idea, Gomer.

Take the baby, Vince.

Oh, Sergeant, you've got the magic touch, the magic touch.

Let's move it. Let's move it.

Say, you know something, Gomer?

This will be the first time

I've ever gone to a drive-in movie with a Marine

and felt perfectly safe.

You might say he's got the situation well in hand.