Original subtitles

Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

Good morning, sir. Good morning.

Good morning, sir. Good morning.

Good morning, sir. Good morning, sir.

I asked you men to drop in

because I have a little favor to ask of you.

It's about this little dance on Saturday night

for the, uh, for the enlisted men. Yes, sir?

I think you all know my daughter, don't you?

- Of course, sir.

Well, she's coming home from college on Saturday,

and there's the matter of an escort

and I was wondering if one of you men might be free.

I think she should be accompanied by a man from the base.

Well, I'd deem it an honor, sir,

but it just so happens I have a date. Sorry, sir.

I don't want anybody to break a date.

Well, I'm not much of a dancer, sir, and, uh,

well, uh, it might be a little dull for her.

I understand.

What about you, Barker? You got a date?

Well, not exactly, sir, but I might have.

It's this girl who said she might come or she might not.

It could go either way.

It's just that I'm not sure, sir.

Of course.

Sorry, sir, I have to meet my mother.

I see.

Thank you for coming in, gentlemen. Yes, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Well, sir, which one is it going to be?

None of them could make it,

and I think I know the reason why.

Nobody wants to get saddled with the boss's daughter.

And that's what this amounts to.

I mean, to be on guard during a date, that's no fun.

Uh, sir...

And they're probably being wary of my wife's watchfulness.

Uh, she's a bit overprotective, you know.

Uh, sir, I have a thought.

After all, this is the enlisted men's dance.

It doesn't have to be an officer, does it?

No, not necessarily.

Well, sir, I think you could find a suitable escort among the enlisted men.

It might be more preferable, sir,

to make the thing look democratic, if you know what I mean.

That's an idea.

I'll speak to the platoon sergeants and have them make suggestions?

Yes. My wife's a bit of a worrier, you know,

but I'm sure the man will be all right.

You understand? Oh, yes, sir. No problem, sir.

All right. Fine.

Go ahead, Captain.

By the way, are you busy on Saturday?

Sorry, sir, uh, as a matter of fact, uh, I am.

Carry on.

Well, what about you? Who are you taking?

Me? Oh, I ain't goin'.

You're not going to the dance? How come?

There's this picture on television that I don't wanna miss.

It's Tarzan Untamed.

You mean you wanna watch that "Me Tarzan, you Jane"?

Well, I don't go for that gushy stuff too much.

What I like is when an elephant picks Tarzan up with his trunk

and old Tarzan just sits there on the elephant's head.

You don't see a thing like that too often.

Oh, I'll go along with that, Gome.

Okay, men, I want to know who has dates for the dance.

Come on, hands.

All of you?

Pyle, you don't have a date?

No, Sergeant.

Oh.

Come over here, Pyle.

You might have a date.

It's not set yet, but you might.

Well, thanks for thinking of me, Sergeant,

but there's this television program on Saturday night

that I've been pointin' for.

It's Tarzan Untamed.

This happens to be Colonel Harper's daughter.

That's the date.

The Colonel's daughter?

Shoot, even if I didn't have other plans, I couldn't take her.

Why not?

Well, golly, she's the Colonel's daughter.

Well, you've taken out girls before.

Or have you?

Shoot, yeah, but nobody ever this important.

The most important girl I ever took out back home

was the county assessor's daughter.

That's as high as I ever wanna go.

The daughter of a civil-service man.

Pyle...

And even then I remember my hands got all sweaty.

Pyle...

And my heart was going "Ka-thump, ka-thump."

I was nervous is what.

Pyle, will you calm down? You haven't been picked yet.

I wouldn't even know what to talk to her about.

At least with the county assessor's daughter

I was able to keep up a running chatter on assessments.

Now, that can be a real meaty subject.

Pyle, you are the only one who doesn't have a date,

so I'm submitting your name.

Each company is sending in a name to the Colonel

so they can pick the best man for the job.

They're probably looking for somebody who is a nice dancer,

a good talker, a smart companion...

You don't have a thing to worry about.

I'm praying.

Sergeant, do you know anything at all about her?

She's the Colonel's daughter.

Oh, the Colonel's daughter.

"Gomer Pyle."

What kind of a man is he, Sergeant?

Well, sir, he...

Excuse me, sir, is Pyle the man selected?

I don't know yet.

I want to find out a little more about him.

What I'm looking for, primarily, is a certain type.

I'd say he's a "type" all right, sir.

How do you mean?

Well, sir, he never goes out,

doesn't do anything,

doesn't have anything interesting to talk about.

Innocuous.

Sir?

Harmless.

Oh. He certainly is, sir.

Uh, might even say "dull".

Dull. Yes, sir.

Good. Sounds perfect.

Sir?

My wife will feel quite comfortable with him. Gomer Pyle it is.

Yes, sir.

An enlisted man?

Mmm-hmm.

Who is he? What do we know about him?

I checked this boy's record, and it's fine.

And the Sergeant assures me that he's a perfect gentleman.

It's gonna be all right.

The Sergeant?

Edna, this is only for one evening,

and it'll be nice for Jane to have an escort.

And as a matter of fact,

an enlisted man may be even more interesting.

All right, all right. I won't say another word about it.

Yeah, but you've got to stop worrying.

Right? Right.

Where's he from?

Uh, the South. A country boy.

You didn't tell me about that.

What's wrong with a country boy?

What's wrong? Well, they're the worst kind.

Those quiet country boys.

They're the kind that turn into howling wolves.

That's ridiculous.

Oh, is it?

Have you read about the scandalous goings-on

in those quiet country towns with those quiet country boys?

Edna, stop worrying. Everything's gonna be all right.

Then I won't take my eyes off them for one second.

Hey, Sergeant.

Did you send for me?

Guess who?

I knew it. I just knew it.

I had the feeling right from the beginning it was gonna be me.

There was something just in the pit of my stomach. I knew it.

I knew it was gonna be me.

Now, Pyle, now, Pyle, take it easy. Take it easy.

After all, I got more at stake than you have.

I was the one that sent in your name. The Colonel's depending on me.

Well, what'll I do? She's the Colonel's daughter and, heck, I don't know

what to... Why don't you just take her to the dance?

Just be careful what you say and how you act.

Oh, I'll be careful, all right.

But what'll we talk about? What'll I say to her?

You can talk about anything. Just be careful what you say.

I just can't get over the idea of her being the Colonel's daughter.

She's gonna be disappointed in me.

Pyle.

We come from two different worlds is what, Sergeant.

What are you talking about?

Well, I'm just plain country folks,

and shoot, she comes from one of them homes

that's got fruit and flowers all over the place

and there ain't even nobody sick.

Look, Pyle, you don't have to marry the girl.

I know, Sergeant. But why'd they have to pick me?

Of all the guys on the base, why'd they have to pick me?

Pyle, listen, listen, listen. Now, you were picked for this assignment.

Why, I don't know, but you're gonna take the Colonel's daughter.

Now, when you do, just don't say much.

Don't do anything, don't act silly, don't talk, don't even breathe.

Just have a good time.

I just wish this whole thing was over with already.

Look at my hands. Look at 'em. look at 'em sweat.

And feel my heart. It's going "Ka-thump, ka-thump, ka-thump."

Can't you lift this up closer to your neck?

Why, that looks fine to me.

Janie, good to have you home.

I haven't had a chance to ask you how school is this semester.

Oh, it's all right, I guess.

What's the matter? Anything wrong?

Oh, it's just that it's so dull. It's nice, but dull.

Mother, can't I transfer to a coed school next semester?

I'd be so much happier.

I'd prefer you stay where you are. It's a perfectly fine school.

Well, if it's dull and she wants to transfer, I don't see any harm.

Clara Burton College was good enough for me

and I know that Jane will get a fine education there. Perfectly fine.

And after all, that's the most important thing, isn't it, dear?

I suppose so. Let me look at you.

What on earth is that?

That's probably your escort, dear.

I authorized a jeep for your use tonight.

They're all so reckless.

Now, about this young man, dear,

I don't want you to worry about a single thing.

We'll be right by your side all evening.

Yes, mother.

Good evening.

Sir, Private Gomer Pyle reporting as ordered, sir.

I, uh, wish you wouldn't put it that way.

Hope you didn't mind the brake squeal, sir,

but I wasn't sure what house you lived in

and I didn't want to pass it by,

so I had to mash down on the brakes.

Well, uh, come on in, Pyle.

Thank you, sir. Yes, sir.

Now, this is Mrs. Harper.

How do, ma'am?

And this is my daughter, Jane.

Hey, Miss Jane.

I brought you some flowers.

Thank you. It was very thoughtful.

I'll get a vase.

Well, uh, we've got a few minutes before we go.

Shall we sit down?

Please.

Make yourself at home, Pyle.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Well, we were, uh... we were very happy that you were able to make it.

Yes, sir, me, too.

Real happy.

Private Pyle, I understand that you come from the South.

Where in the South?

Yes, ma'am, I sure do.

I come from Mayberry, North Carolina.

My family settled there about 150 years ago.

That is, my ancestors did, not the family that I got now.

Of course.

Of course.

They built their own log cabin all by theirselves.

Real pioneers.

Of course, we Pyles have come a long way since then.

We've added a back porch and a bath.

I see.

I mean a regular bath,

one that you don't have to fill up with a pump, neither.

Oh, well, that's what I call real progress.

Remarkable.

When the water company run their lines,

they went to the north part of town first.

Oh, well, wouldn't you know.

See, the center of town is right here,

and, uh...

This is north.

And they had to run them lines

right down here through Maple Street.

That's right here.

And then over the ridge, past Fred Bartlett's place.

Now, that's about here.

And then they had to run 'em all the way out into the swamps.

That's where you're sittin', Mrs. Harper.

You know something else that might interest you, Mrs. Harper?

What?

We was the first family on the south side of town

that had a septic tank.

A septic tank?

Yes'm.

You see, it was always my mama's dream to have one.

And me and my daddy saved up for six years. Six years.

And we surprised her with the news on her birthday.

You ought to have seen her face when we took her out there in the backyard.

Well, I'll bet she was thrilled, all right.

Say, Miss Jane, you really got a nice way of arranging 'em.

Thank you. Must be a knack.

Looks like it was done by one of them funeral florists.

Shall we go?

Uh, yes, yes, I hadn't realized it was quite so late.

I'm sure lookin' forward to this dance.

Thank you.

Well, you two run along. We'll be right behind you.

Are you ready to go, Miss Jane?

We'll see you there, sir. It was nice talkin' with you, ma'am.

Well...

Well, next time you'll listen to me.

Well, what's wrong? He's a nice boy.

I know these nice boys. That's an act.

Oh, come on, now.

I'm more determined than ever to keep my eye on them every single second.

All right, all right, have it your own way,

but any boy who saves up for six years to buy a septic tank

for his mother's birthday can't be all bad.

Good evening.

Good evening, Captain. Evening, Captain.

Good evening, sir.

Captain, this is Private Pyle.

How are you, Pyle? Good evenin', sir.

Well, you've decorated the place beautifully.

Yes, sir, you can't hardly beat them Japanese people

when it comes to lanterns.

Colonel Harper, your honor. Thank you.

Shall we, dear?

Would you like to dance, Miss Jane?

Have you been watching our country boy?

Yes. He seems to be quite a dancer.

Dance me over in that direction.

Oh, Edna, let's leave them alone.

Emmett, please.

Hey, folks. It's a nice dance.

Jane, I think it would be nice

if you danced with your father.

All right, Mother.

And I don't suppose Private Pyle has any objections

to dancing with me?

No, ma'am, I'd be glad to.

Please, Private Pyle!

That's the way we dance back home.

Yes, I'd prefer that you dance a little slower. I want to have a word with you.

Yes, ma'am.

I, uh, just thought I'd better mention that my daughter is not used

to too much excitement.

I'm sorry. What happens when she dances too hard?

Does she have a spell?

Of course not.

It's just that I think you should dance slower

and at a proper distance.

Yes, ma'am.

I guess I'm just used to the girls back home.

You don't grip them hard enough, and they'll fall right down.

My pleasure, ma'am.

You know, you dance real good for a short lady.

Thank you.

Hey, Miss Jane. Hello.

Would you like to dance?

Uh...

I don't suppose we'd better.

Well, I'll dance slow and hold you loose.

No, thanks.

Would you like some punch?

No. Thank you.

You go to school, don't you?

Yes, I do. I'm at college.

What you takin' up there?

Music. I'm a music major.

Back home, you ask somebody goin' to school,

"What you takin' up, the teacher's time?"

That's a joke back home.

I see.

Did I ask you if you wanted some punch?

You did.

What did you say? I said, "No, thank you."

But I believe I will have some now.

Okay. I'll be back in a jiffy.

Two punches, please.

Pyle... Hey, Sergeant.

Are you behaving yourself? You behaving yourself, Pyle?

Yes, sir. She's nice. She's real nice.

What do you mean, "Nice"?

Remember, she's the Colonel's daughter.

Now, you behave yourself. Yes, sir,

but she is a little on the quiet side.

There ain't too much to talk about.

What did you talk about?

Well, comin' on over here,

I told her about the M14 rifle and how you disassemble it.

Good, good.

What else could we talk about?

Well, uh...

Do you think she'd be interested in chemical warfare?

Here's your punch, Miss Jane. Thank you.

Careful of the little lemon seeds in there.

You swallow one of them, you'd get appendicitis.

Did you know that? No.

Emmett, look. What?

He just brought her some punch.

Well, what of it?

I wonder what's in it.

What? Grape juice and some lemons floating in it. I just had some.

I know, I know, and you know about spiking a drink.

Oh, take it easy.

Mrs. Harper, may I have this dance?

Oh, uh, all right.

Emmett, will you keep an eye on things?

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, uh, Captain, uh, excuse me.

Emmett, they're gone.

What? Who's gone?

Jane and that... that country boy. They're not here.

Oh, excuse me. Thank you.

They've probably just gone for a walk, dear.

I want them found.

Edna, take it easy. I insist.

They've just gone for fresh air, I'm sure.

Emmett, are you going to do something about this,

or shall I go and look for them myself?

All right, dear.

Captain Murdock?

My daughter and her escort seem to have disappeared.

Would you see if you can locate them?

I want this whole place thoroughly searched. I'm worried.

Yes, ma'am. Right away.

♪ She's gone away for to stay

♪ A little while

♪ But she's coming back

♪ If she goes 10,000 miles

♪ Oh, who will tie my shoe?

♪ And who will glove my hand?

♪ And who will kiss my ruby lips

♪ When she is gone?

♪ Gone away

♪ Far away ♪ Over yonder

♪ She's gone away ♪ For to stay

♪ A little while ♪ But she's coming back

♪ If she goes 10,000 miles

♪ Oh, it's Pappy who'll tie my shoes

♪ And Mammy who'll glove my hand

♪ And you will kiss my ruby lips

♪ When she is gone

♪ Gone away

♪ Far away ♪ Over yonder ♪

Wonderful. Wonderful. Oh, Gomer, you're good.

Why did you keep it such a secret?

Well, I... If I had known sooner,

we could have left that dull dance even earlier.

I'm sorry the dance was so dull.

I guess all that talk about the M14 rifle

wasn't very interesting.

Not that I'm talking down the M14 rifle.

It was just that I didn't...

It's just that this is so much nicer.

Must be some sort of trouble.

Appears like they're lookin' for somebody.

Go ahead, Gomer, sing another.

Well, would you like to hear

Rain Come With Me 'Cause I'm Dirty, Dirty, Dirty?

Gomer, that's marvelous. This is so much fun.

I'm sure glad you're enjoying it, Miss Jane.

I am. Thank you, Gomer.

Thank you very much.

There, you saw that.

You saw that, didn't you?

Did you see that? Oh, Jane, I've been so worried.

You can call off the search, Captain.

Yes, sir. Jane, darling, are you all right?

Oh, Mother! Take it easy, Edna.

I just had a feeling it would end like this. I just knew it.

Mother, if you'll just calm down for a minute. You don't understand.

Jane, we'll take care of... Jane. But, Mother...

Now, young man, suppose you explain what made you think

you could take liberties with our daughter?

Well, it looked to me as if it was Jane who was doing the kissing.

I think I know my daughter.

Well?

I sure am sorry, Mrs. Harper.

It's a little late for that, Private,

and it's not good enough.

Emmett,

I insist that he be punished. Oh, Edna.

Daddy, don't. Don't you dare do a thing to him.

I am the one who did the kissing.

Now, Miss Jane... Jane!

Yes, it's true, and I'm not ashamed of it.

I kissed him because I wanted to. That's why.

Jane, stop this.

Yes, Mother, and I liked it.

So much that I think I'll kiss him again.

And then again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Sir, while all this is goin' on,

do I have your permission to stand at ease?

Thanks, Dad.

For what?

You know, for sort of staying on my side,

and helping me do what I've been wanting to do for a long time.

Well, uh... And, uh, Daddy,

while we're sort of on the subject.

I do want to go to a coed school next year.

Will you back me up?

We'll talk about it tomorrow.

Your mother's had a big shock tonight.

Thank you, Private.

Shoot, I didn't do nothin', sir.

I'm not so sure.

Good night, Janie. Good night, Daddy.

Well, good night, Miss Jane.

I sure hope I see you again sometimes.

I had a real nice time.

And you know something?

You're real nice, and you're real pretty, too.

Thank you, Gomer.

Well, go ahead, son.

It's all right, her mother's gone to bed.