Original subtitles

Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

Hut, hut, hut, left!

Turn!

Company, halt!

Fall out!

All right, all right! Spread out!

Move around here.

Now, this morning's field exercise,

individual scouting.

Remember, a good scout knows

cover, concealment, camouflage,

and principles of movement.

He also knows...

Where's the phone?

Pyle!

What took you so long?

Well, sir... I was just telling these men

the things that make a good scout,

and pokiness ain't one of them. Yes, sir.

Do you know the things that do make a good scout?

Yes, sir.

A good scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly,

courteous, kind, cheerful, obedient, and thrifty...

Pyle!

A Boy Scout is also brave, clean, and reverent.

And they salute like this, with three fingers.

Are you kidding me? Are you putting me on?

Oh, no, sir. I was in troop 437, Mayberry branch.

I wasn't talking about Boy Scouts.

I'm talking about scouting, Marine scouting!

Now, that's a different thing entire.

Oh, it is?

Yes, sir.

Scoutin' and patrollin',

chapter 16 in the Marine Guidebook.

That's the part where you're supposed to know about cover,

concealment, camouflage, and the principle of movement.

Now, that's a altogether different thing from Boy Scoutin'.

You see, a Boy Scout is trustworthy, loyal...

Knock it off!

Must be for you, Sarge. Not a soul one knows I'm out here.

Hello. This here's Gomer Pyle talkin'.

You wanna talk to the Sergeant?

He's standin' right here at the side of me.

Alpha checkpoint, Sergeant Carter.

Eh, yes, sir. We're just about to begin.

Sir?

Oh, that was just one of the men who...

Yes, sir.

I'll tell him.

And there's a string of telephone poles along there,

from D12 to F9.

Uh-huh. Any military vehicles?

No. No vehicles, sir.

Okay.

Where's Pyle now? Everybody else is here.

Sir.

Huh?

Good afternoon, sir.

How's your scouting exercise going, Sergeant?

Very good, sir. All checked out except one man.

Yoo-hoo, Sergeant! It's me, Gomer!

I'm back!

I'll be down there in a minute.

Be right there.

Did you know it was me

with all this plant life on my helmet?

I found these buttercups and daisies up there

while I was lookin' for some camouflage branches.

I picked 'em for your desk.

I thought they'd look real pretty.

Things look so drab in that office.

Let's see if you like your butter.

Drop 'em! Drop 'em!

Was this one of the men on the scouting exercise?

Uh, yes, sir. Uh, he was just reporting in.

Weren't you, Pyle?

Yes, sir.

Well, report in.

Well, sir...

There's a right nice stretch of land over yonder.

Alfalfa's comin' up fair.

Melons would grow real good there, though.

Soil is kind of sandy.

It's not too salty. I tasted it.

And there's a whole string of bushes

along the path from F2 to H4.

But they're just awful bushes, they're just full of stickers.

And there was a telephone pole by the side of the highway

with a poster tacked up. It said, uh...

"Mayfair theatre, tonight,

"Ma and Pa Kettle in Hawaii,

"selected short subjects,

"and Thursday night's family night."

Sergeant, can I have a word with you, please?

Sergeant, that is the poorest excuse

for a scout I've seen yet.

Yes, sir.

I would suggest a little more lecture time

on scouting and patrolling.

Maybe you could use a little yourself.

Yes, sir.

Carry on.

All right, you people.

I was gonna give you all liberty tonight,

provided nobody fouled-up on this exercise.

Well, one man fouled-up, so the liberty is canceled.

That's just terrible, sir.

Not to embarrass the man, but who was it?

You, Pyle! The man was you!

Me, sir?

You! Pyle, you violated all the principles of movement

on your scouting mission!

You were strolling around, picking daisies

and looking at movie posters.

You blew it! But, sir...

You blew it, Pyle! You blew it for everybody!

I just feel terrible, sir.

Do all the men have to suffer on account of me?

That's right. That was the deal.

One foul-up, and the liberty was off.

And what did you do?

I blew it, sir.

Right.

All right, everybody, fall in.

Daisies he picks for me, daisies!

Where do they find them?

I had to cancel liberty for the whole platoon.

You know what he needs? A good rap on the head,

something that might jar something loose upstairs.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Everything all right, fellas?

Oh, hi, Hannah. Great. How are you?

Ow! Hannah, it hurts!

You know the company rules,

"You can look but don't touch."

I'm sorry. I lost my head.

Oh! It kills me the way she does that, you know.

How'd you like to be married to that?

Who, the Dragon Lady? I don't think so.

Better not let her hear you call her that.

She'll kill you.

And she can do it too, Benson.

I think she could take you.

Not if I trained for a couple months.

No. Look, would you just let up?

He must be new around here.

He's gonna get learned real fast.

Let's go.

Hey, guys, check it out!

You want a rematch?

Out.

Now, why couldn't that have been Pyle, huh?

Flyin' through the air like that.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Why can't it be Pyle?

What are you talking about?

We'll set him up against Hannah.

Oh, how I'd love to see that.

How are you gonna set him up?

Look, don't worry about it. I'll set him up.

I'll fix it. I'll fix it real good.

How come we got our liberty back, huh?

You know what I think? I'll tell you what I think.

I think the Sergeant's just bein' nice to us,

is what I think.

He never does stay mad at us long.

You know what else I think? I'll tell you what I think.

I think we ought to go tell him how nice it is of him.

No, Gomer. You fouled us up yesterday

and made us lose the liberty. We got it back by a miracle

and we ain't gonna let you foul us up again.

Well, I sure am sorry about yesterday.

Honest, I am.

Look, in 30 minutes, we'll be on that bus into town.

Do you think you can stay out of trouble just that long?

I sure don't mean to get in no trouble.

Good. Don't do anything, don't say anything.

If you say so, Duke.

Ten-hut!

As you were.

All right, two things.

First, transportation will leave the main gate at 1730.

Hey. Great. Yeah.

And second, since this is your first liberty in town,

we gotta observe a certain tradition.

Every man will put his ID Card in this hat,

and the name I draw

will represent this particular company.

What's it all about, Sarge? What's the tradition?

We have this tradition that one man from each company

collects his first liberty kiss from Miss Hannah Troy.

Who's she?

She runs a tavern in town.

Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Come on, come on, come on.

Pyle, Pyle, Pyle.

I think I'll pass up the drawin', Sergeant.

What?

Let somebody else have my chance.

But you can't. I mean, it's...

It's gotta be representative. But...

Pyle, it's tradition.

You going against tradition? Well...

Of course not.

There's nothing more sacred in the Marines than tradition.

Good. Now everybody's in.

Now for the drawing. For the tradition.

All right. Give me some room. Some room.

The winner is...

Gomer Pyle. And what do you think of that?

And you were the one that weren't even interested.

Congratulations, Pyle. Now here's the way the tradition

of the first liberty kiss works. But, Sergeant...

You just go up to her and you say,

"Dragon Lady, I'm here for my first liberty kiss." But, sir...

It'll be a moment you will never forget.

All right, Pyle, now,

I'll see you tonight at Hannah's Bar & Grill.

That's on Exchange Street. Is that clear? Yes, sir.

All right, now. You be there.

But, sir... You lucky stiff. Free kiss.

I just can't do it.

What?

I just can't do it.

I just couldn't up and kiss some strange girl.

Why, we ain't done no steppin' out or courtin'.

This is different, Gomer. It's just a kiss.

But I don't even know her folks or nothin'.

You don't have to kiss her folks, just her.

Oh, I just couldn't.

Why, back home, we'd go callin' for a whole summer

before we'd even get to bitin' on the same apple together.

Besides, I did make other plans.

Ever since I seen that movie poster on the telephone pole,

I've been lookin' forward to goin' to the picture show

to see Ma and Pa Kettle in Hawaii.

We've been stuck in training for months,

this is your first trip to town,

and you wanna see Ma and Pa Kettle?

Right.

What's the matter with you, Gomer?

You got something against kissing?

Oh, no. I like kissin'. Kissin' can be fun.

But back home, I went with Ida Carrington for 11 months

before I kissed her.

Then it took two hours of coaxin'.

Oh, boy.

I only did it to stop her coaxin'.

I'm sorry.

I just don't like strangers kissin'.

That's why I never did like New Year's Eve.

Come 12:00, and smacko.

Everybody's kissin' everybody else.

And the next day, everybody wakes up

with a cold to start out the new year.

Do you mind if I take your place?

What?

Well, you were the one that was picked for the kiss.

Why can't I tell this chick I'm the one that was picked?

That ain't truthful, Duke.

Suppose I tell her I'm your proxy?

You're my what? Your proxy.

You appointed me to collect for you

'cause you couldn't make it.

That's a proxy?

Yeah. How about it?

Well, if you want to. Oh, I want to.

Okay. Good.

You're gonna be my what?

I'm gonna be your proxy.

Gosh, you know somethin'? I never had a proxy before.

Shoot, I never even had a godfather.

When's he comin'?

Oh, any minute.

This is gonna be beautiful. Beautiful.

That must be her, fellas. She looks like the boss lady.

Gomer don't know what he passed up.

Hey, Vince, isn't that one of your people over there?

Hmm?

Don't wait up for me tonight, kid.

What's happening, sweetness?

What does that idiot think he's doing?

He'll ruin everything.

So you're the famous Dragon Lady, huh?

Well, I'm the famous Duke Slater, baby, Company B.

They call me LB for short. Lover Boy.

Old LB is here to collect his first liberty kiss.

So now that the introductions are out of the way...

Let's go to the moon, baby.

No, thank you.

Let's go.

Come on.

Oh, dear.

Why does she always throw them toward us?

Now, we ought to talk to her. This is like drinking beer

at the wrong end of a bowling alley.

What'd I do? What'd I do?

You have just been formally introduced to the Dragon Lady.

What do you think you're doing? Where's Gomer?

Gomer let me take his place.

He what?

He didn't want to come, so he let me be his proxy.

His proxy?

Oh, you fixed it! You fixed it real good! Huh?

That was supposed to be him stretched out there, pally.

You mean it was a phony? It was all a setup?

Yeah!

I wanted to see Gomer go flying trough the air, not you.

Are you happy now?

I'm sorry, Sarge.

Sorry ain't enough! Now you go get Gomer in here!

That's right! You took all my fun away! Go get him!

Go get him? Yeah!

Look, don't you wanna see Gomer go flying through the air?

You're entitled now.

Flying through the... Oh, yeah! Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. Good idea, Sarge. I'll go get him, Sarge. Go! Go!

Go! Go!

Come on, we're gonna get Gomer.

Second floor show, coming up.

Are you sure he went to the movies?

He probably stayed to see it twice.

There he is.

Okay. Just follow my lead.

Hey, Duke. Hey, fellas.

Hey, Gomer. Howdy, Gomer.

Are you goin' to the picture show?

It's a real good one.

I'll go see it with you again, if you like.

I've seen it twice already, but I'll go again.

No. I couldn't, Gome. Not tonight.

I'm just not in the mood for a picture.

But this'll cheer you up. It's a real funny picture.

There's one place in the picture

where Ma and Pa Kettle are rockin' on the front porch.

Well, Pa Kettle, he don't notice this loose board...

Uh, you're probably wondering why I don't feel in the mood, Gome.

So, I'll tell you. It's the Sergeant.

He's hurt.

Very hurt.

Was there an accident?

He's hurt inside.

Because tonight, a Marine Corps tradition was broken,

and his company wasn't represented

when the first liberty kisses were passed out.

He really feels bad, huh?

Very bad. 'Cause you didn't show up.

But wasn't you gonna take my place, Duke?

Wasn't you gonna be my... What do you call it?

Proxy? Yeah, proxy.

Yeah. That's what made it worse.

It absolutely has to be the man chosen from the hat.

The lady wouldn't kiss a proxy?

Absolutely not.

For years, this tradition has been faithfully observed,

an unbroken chain until...

Well, until tonight. That's why he's so sad.

You know tradition means a lot to Sergeant Carter, Gomer.

It does to me, too, honest, fellers.

I wouldn't be surprised if he even transferred out of the shame of it.

Huh, fellas? Yeah.

He might.

Gosh! I didn't realize it was this big a tradition.

Oh, it is. It is.

Yeah. It's like West Point, Gome.

You know, the flirtation walk.

Why, it's even bigger than the Semper Fidelis march.

No foolin'?

No fooling.

But still... To kiss a strange woman...

Well, the least you can do is come talk to the Sergeant,

tell him why you can't do it.

Well, I guess I do owe him that much.

It's bigger than Semper Fidelis, you really mean it?

It's getting late, Vince.

Do you think your Gomer Pyle guy is gonna show up?

I don't know.

Hey, hey, hey, isn't that your pigeon coming in now?

He got him.

Good old Duke, he's made an old man very happy.

Hey, Sergeant.

I'm sorry about things, sir.

Honest, never wanted you to go into your shell,

not for a minute.

Huh?

Uh, we told Gomie you felt real bad

about the tradition being broken, Sarge,

and you might even transfer out.

You know, because your company didn't come up with a man

for first liberty kiss?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. But it could have been worse.

So, I'll just transfer out, maybe even leave the Corps.

So what if I put in 18 years of my life?

Through thick and thin, through war and peace.

So what? I'll leave.

You can't leave the Marine Corps, sir. You just can't.

Better than have it said that

I was the one who broke tradition. No!

It's a far, far better thing I do...

I'll cut out.

I never heard anything more beautiful

in all my put-togethers.

Pyle, I guess you don't know me very well.

Call me an old sentimentalist if you like, but, well...

I'm a fool about tradition.

And when a tradition is broken, I just, well...

Call me a fool.

Why, I never would.

A fool.

And the only honorable thing for this fool to do

is to transfer out.

Don't say that, Sergeant. I'll do it.

What?

I'll collect that there first liberty kiss.

Now, look, Pyle,

I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do.

Even though you were chosen, fair and square,

you still don't have to do this if you don't want to.

I don't? Well, in that case...

No, I'll just transfer out.

Call me a fool.

I'll do it. I'll do it. Where is she?

A sentimental fool.

Call me a sentimental...

He'll do it. He'll do it.

You will?

Yes, sir.

Where's she at?

Over there.

It'll be over before you know it. I can promise you that.

Remember, Gomer, it's a tradition.

Right. What do I do now?

You just go up to her and you say,

"Dragon Lady, I'm here for my first liberty kiss."

And go.

Hey, ma'am.

Hello.

First off, I don't much care for the name "Dragon Lady,"

so I won't call you that.

And second, it ain't nothin' personal against you, ma'am,

it's just that my upbringing's against kissin' strangers.

But it's gotta be done

on account of the Sergeant over there did spend 18 years

in war and peace, and through thick and thin.

And if he's a fool about tradition,

then I ain't gonna stand in his way.

Joe...

What have you been giving him?

And most of all, since it is a glorious tradition,

bigger than Semper Fidelis,

it ain't fittin' that one little ol' person like me stands up against it.

The only thing I ask, ma'am,

is could the kiss be along the jawbone here?

And that'd make it friendly and all,

without gettin' too involved,

and it'd be enough to satisfy the Sergeant over there.

Wait a minute. Now, let me get this straight.

Um, you want a kiss?

But not for you.

But for your sergeant.

Uh-huh.

Come with me.

They're going into the backroom.

I won't see him flyin' through the air.

She's never done that before.

Maybe she's gonna throw him through the door.

Yeah.

It'll be just as good.

See, I never had no choice.

It was my name that come out of the hat,

so here I am.

But you went to the movies

rather than come here and kiss me, hmm?

Well, you see, it was Ma and Pa Kettle,

and they're my favorites.

Well, I guess I'm no match for Ma and Pa Kettle.

Oh, no, ma'am. Don't get me wrong.

Most fellers would fall all over theirselves

for a chance to kiss a pretty girl like you.

But, well, you see,

that's the way I was brought up.

And I can't change.

Oh, I hope you never do.

It's awful quiet in there.

Well, maybe she's toying with him,

you know, like a cat with a mouse.

Yeah.

There they are.

He's still in one piece.

Over here.

Come on.

Here.

There. There we are.

Now...

Put your hand up here.

That's right.

Here it comes.

Both arms around me.

That's it.

Now close your eyes.

Oh, come on, Gomer. It's the tradition.

Well, I done it, Sergeant.

Was it all right?

Huh?

It was fine, just fine.

Gomer, what'd you tell her?

Oh, just about traditions.

Huh?

Oh, you know about how I was there

to collect my first liberty kiss.

I explained the whole thing to her.

She likes it.

She really does.

How about that?

That's it.

That's her weakness. Traditions.

She goes for it.

She must go for it.

What do you know?

You like that tradition, huh, Hannah?

Oh, it's sweet.

Do you know whose idea that was?

Really?

Mmm-hmm.

I'm just a sentimental fool, Hannah.

Aw.

Look, if you like that tradition,

I got another one.

You have? Uh-huh.

On the first liberty night,

the Sergeant gets some lovin', too.

After all,

I've been around a lot longer than that private.

Do you know what I mean?

Oh, yeah.

Hmm? Mmm-hmm.

What happened?

You done it all wrong, Sergeant.

You're supposed to put both arms around her.

That's the tradition.

And you gotta go by the tradition.

And you didn't keep your eyes closed the whole time neither.

That's another part of the tradition.

If you'd have put both arms around her

and kept your eyes closed,

she'd kiss you real good, but you didn't do that.

You see, what you done...

Oh, come on now. Tell us everything,

right from the beginning.

You really want to hear about it?

Yeah!

Tell us about it.

Right from the beginnin'?

Right from the beginning.

Well, right at the beginnin',

Ma and Pa Kettle was rockin' on the front porch.

Well, Pa Kettle didn't take no notice

of this loose board that was there.

Well, about that time, he rocked some,

and that board flew up and hit him right in the face...