All language subtitles for Wrong.Places.2024.1080p.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H264

Hey, I'm Jenni Di Fatta.

We've got two stories for
you today, "Wrong Places."

You know those stories
about people who just end up

in the wrong place at
exactly the wrong time?

Well, glad it's not me.

Anyways, first up is
"Off the Beaten Path."

A writer searches for
inspiration out in the woods,

but what he finds is terror!

You rang?

Yes, I've been callin'
you all mornin'.

It's past the deadline.

I haven't heard anything from
you about the new manuscript.

I've been hard at work at it.

I should have the new book
finished by the end of the month.

No, no, that's not good enough.

I need that finished
by the end of the week.

You don't realize what
kinda pressure we're under!

Hey, you're the
flavor of the month.

You're hotter than a biscuit,

and the readers want
your next book now.

I know that, and I've
been tryin' my best

to search for inspiration,

but it's just not
out there right.

You know, the world, the way
the world is, everybody's sad.

Have you seen social media?

Everybody just gets on there

to talk about how
terrible their life is.

I know, but you can't
let that get you down.

I know last year was
a bit of a downer,

but your books inspire people.

Cheer them up.

You have to get out there
and do some writing.

All right, well...

What do you
recommend then, if...

What do you mean?

You know, you've had
other writers before

that you've had to help
get their books done.

I have a week to
finish this book.

What do you recommend,
in terms of me finishing?

What kind of inspiration
should I seek out?

Well, I recommend you
get out in the world.

Get out in nature, get
some exercise, hit the gym.

Get your mind in
the right place.

Well, you're
wanting me to write

a twisted, sadistic horror book.

I'm pretty sure you want
my mind in the wrong place.

You know what I mean.

Get your head in
the right mindset

to give me a twisted story!

Find out what works for you.

Drink a cup of
coffee, get outta bed.

It's after noon,
for goodness sake!

All right.

I'll work on this new book

and I'll call you
when I have somethin'.

Up and at 'em! I'll call you
later, see how it's going.

Talk to you later, Keith.

Hey.

Hey there!

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

I was just stoppin' to check
my bandage for a minute.

I've been walkin'
out here for a while,

and I burned my leg the other
day doin' some yard work.

All right, well, do you need me

to make a call or anything, or?

Oh, no, no, I think I may
be seein' stuff though.

Are you down here by yourself?

Yeah, I'm out here by myself.

I came out here to kinda get
some ideas for my new book.

It's a hot day. It's a
really hot day for that.

It really is, but feel
like I see somebody else,

you know, like, when I...

Was it me or someone else?

- No, it's not you.
- Oh, okay.

Kinda lookin' around and
see this guy runnin'.

He's got red hair.

- Have you seen-
- I haven't seen

anything like that-
You haven't seen a guy

like that, okay.
- No.

No, and I've been walkin'
for almost an hour now,

and I haven't seen anything.

- Okay, well, maybe I- -
But this is new area to me.

I'm not from here, so maybe
there's someone you know

down here or something,
I don't know.

I don't know.

All right, well, thanks for.

Do you want me to stay
with you for a while?

Are yo okay?
- No, no, I'm fine, I'm fine.

You go ahead. You
probably got places to be.

I'm just out here killin' time.

Okay, well, I'm gonna
walk straight that way,

and I'll come back at
some point, check on you.

- All right.
- See if you're okay.

- All right, have a good one.
- If I can help you,

just let me know.
- All right, thanks.

Okay, no problem.

What's a fine
lady like yourself

doin' out here?

What'd you say?

What's a fine lady
like you doin' out here

in these woods?

You must be that redhead guy
this guy was talkin' about.

What are you doin' here?

I live out here. These my woods.

They're your woods?

Well, I'm just passin' through.

All right.

- You be safe.
- Where you headed?

- Just walking.
- Where'd you come from?

Just walking.

You don't wanna stay
and chat a while?

No, I'm good, thank you.
You be safe, though.

Well, don't be in such a rush.

That's pretty rude to treat
a man's home that way.

Just walking in the woods,

mindin' my own business,
taking a stroll.

I'll see you around.

Maybe.

What are you doin'
out here by yourself?

My daddy's gonna get you!

Get me? Who's your daddy?

They're our woods!

Your woods?

Public walking trail.

Not anymore.

No, he's gonna get you today,

and he is definitely
gonna get you!

And I know that he will get you.

What you got there? Bible?

I'm a writer. I'm
tryin' to write a book.

Supposed to be turned
it in 'bout a week ago,

and I'm just runnin'
behind schedule, so...

You must not seen all the
caution tape around here.

Caution tape?

Musta missed it.

What's all that
caution tape for?

Let's just say
these are my woods.

Your woods?

Yes, Mr. Tom Sawyer.

You're the one I
been seein' out here,

followin' me around on top
of the hills and stuff?

Maybe, maybe not.

Thought for a minute maybe
I was losin' my mind,

or you weren't real, you're
a figment of my imagination.

You lost your mind when
you got out your car.

When I got out my car.

I'll tell you what,
I'm not afraid of you!

Think you can just come
up to me, talk shit,

and you think I'm
gonna get afraid of you

'cause you have some
ax in your hand,

'cause you been
cuttin' up some wood

and you're gonna point
out some caution tape,

try to scare me?

- Yeah.
- That's not how it works.

This is a public running
trail, jogging trail,

and I can go where I please.

This isn't your land.

Not your creepy little
boy's land either.

Now, don't talk about my boy.

My boy, that'll get you killed.

Yeah, all right. You stay
the hell away from me!

I suggest you leave.

Stay the hell away from me.

- These are my parts.
- You go that way.

I'll give you a
chance to leave, boy.

Hey, hey, are you okay?

Are you okay?

My daddy's gonna get you!

You little fucker! You just...

Hear, he's gonna get you!

I don't know who you are.

These are our woods!

What are you talkin' about?

My daddy's gonna get you.

I'll keep my eye
out for your daddy,

but you better take care
of yourself, little kid.

Yes, ma'am.

Yes.

Let's go to the next person.

Me again.

We keep runnin' into each other!

Yeah, how are you?
How's your leg doing?

Oh, it's doin' okay.

- Just takin' a break?
- I think I'll live.

I think it won't fall off.

That's good. I'm just gonna
sit here and take a break.

I've been walkin' for
a long time, it's.

- Yeah?
- Just so hot.

- It is, yeah.
- Oh, it's nice.

It was supposed to
be cooling down,

and it looks like the
weather's gettin' hot again.

Yeah, yeah. So how
long have you walked?

You been able to make it okay?

Yeah, I've been makin' it okay.

They say this place
is, like, seven miles,

- or somethin' like
that, but- - Wow, okay.

I looked at my phone
and it said I'd done

about a mile-and-a-half,
or somethin' like that.

- That's not bad.
- How many have you done?

I probably have done
about four, 4-1/2 miles.

I've been walkin' for a while.

I think that's why
I'm so hot right now.

- Right.
- Good exercise.

It's real pretty out here.

It is, yeah. It's tucked
away from the world.

It's not the normal place to go.

There's a lot of other
parks around here.

They're all paved
and everything,

- but this place- - Okay.

So I chose a good one.

I've never been down
to these areas before.

- Right.
- So it's nice to go somewhere

where there's not
concrete everywhere.

Right, right, right.

Where I come from,
concrete's everywhere.

Yeah, it's nice bein'
away from the city

and out in the country.

So quiet, except for the
mosquitoes, that's it.

So where do you come from?

Well, the last place
I came from was Ohio.

Yeah?

So I've been down here
for a little while,

and I'm getting used
to it down here.

It's really, really hot and
humid, but I like it like that.

Yeah, I got you.

Yeah, to me, the
winters are pretty cold.

You know, I originally
came from Alaska,

and so, up there,
you have a dry cold,

and down here, you could
go outside, and it's humid,

and so it really gets
through your jackets

and that kinda stuff.
- Okay.

And I've got some metal in
my back and metal in my arm,

so you know, that gets
to me more than anything.

I see you walkin' around
writing. What are you doing?

Oh, I'm a writer.

I was supposed to deliver a
book, probably about a week ago,

and I'm just runnin'
behind schedule.

So my publisher said
I needed to get on it.

You know, he's givin'
me about a week

to get finished up, so.

You gonna make it?

I hope so.

I usually work better
under pressure,

and I've been tryin'
to get my bearings.

I finally started writin'
a few words, you know.

I came out here and
I didn't really know

what I was lookin' for,
and saw that redheaded guy.

I actually talked to him.

I saw the redheaded guy too.

You saw him too?

It was not your imagination.

He's real.

I walked past him earlier.

I don't understand what he's
doing, what he's talkin' 'bout,

and I saw this little kid too,

who said his dad
was going to get me.

I thought he was
crying at first,

and then when I got
up to check on him,

he burst out laughin'
like a crazy kid.

Yeah, I saw that kid too.

Yeah, I didn't get the best
vibes from either one of 'em.

Well, I don't know
what's goin' out here,

but I tell you
that I'm not scared

and I'm paying attention
to everything out here.

Have a little stick and
have some other things too,

just in case, but
that's just creepy.

Really is, yeah.

They shouldn't be out
here antagonizing people.

This is a public walking trail.

Well, you're right,
it is, but you know,

since the whole
time I've been here,

I haven't seen any kind
of, like, troopers,

like anybody, you know,
official people out here.

- Right.
- It's just been people

like you, me walkin' around,
redhead guy with the crazy son,

and couple bikers, that's it.

Yeah, I saw the bikers too.
Just about ran me over.

Yeah, they're pretty
okay, but I don't know.

I'm gonna finish my
trail though, but.

Okay.

I'm not really sure
about what's goin' on

with the situation right here,

and my cell phone's
not workin' right now.

Oh, there's no
reception out here.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, you be careful.

You as well.

And take care.

- I will, I'm- -
Keep your eyes open.

I'll do my best. I'mma try
to get this book finished up.

Okay, all right, take care.
I hope to hear about it.

- Oh, yeah, you'll hopefully-
- I'll say it's the guy.

- Read about it.
- I saw on the trail

a while ago.
- Yeah.

- Take care.
- All right, you too.

You again?

Thought I told you
to leave my woods.

I'm just sittin' here,
enjoyin' myself and writing.

I'm gonna give you
one more chance

to get outta my woods.

Okay, so we've already had
strike one. This is strike two.

You know what three means.

What does three mean?

I shouldn't have to say it.

♪ This land is my land ♪

♪ This is not your land ♪

♪ These are my woods ♪

♪ These are not yours ♪

♪ I'm gonna get y'all ♪

♪ If y'all don't leave here ♪

What is wrong with you?

What is wrong with
you? Who are you?

My daddy's gonna get you.

Your daddy? Who is your daddy?

Is that that redhead
man that's your daddy?

What do you guys want?
What's wrong with you guys?

We want you out of these woods.

Well, we're not
leaving the woods.

This is public area,
and give me that knife.

No, it isn't!

You need to get up and go home!

Go take your parent!

And don't come back here!

Fine, but you stay away
from me, little kid.

You're messin' with
someone you shouldn't be.

How do I get out of here?

This way?

What are you...

Get off my back.

Get off of me.

Stay away from me!

What happened, Billy?

What'd they do to you?

They banged me on a tree,
like I was a raccoon.

Who did it?

That guy who's in our woods.

Big fancy-pants guy?

Yeah.

You know what I'm gonna do
to him, don't ya, Junior?

Yes.

All right. Now, you
get on home now.

I'm gonna take care
of these people.

Get on home now.

You don't need to see
what I'm 'bout to do.

Hey, hey!

Daddy, Daddy, she's here!

That's strike three!

Okay, I need you to...

Where you goin'?

What is going on?
What is goin' on?

I told you to get
outta my woods.

Okay, this is not
your woods, okay?

These are just public
land, public land.

I don't know why
you're chasin' me.

Well, let me tell you why.

I don't even care. I'm just
telling you stop chasing me.

These are my woods.

This has been my family's
land for generations,

and then y'all came and took it.

Nobody came and took anything.

I have never been here before,

so what are you talkin' about?

You sound crazy, and I
have to say you are crazy.

Well, I may be, but
these are my woods.

I'm gonna tell you,
you better get out.

Okay, I'm tryin' to.

I'm at the end of my trail,
but you're chasin' me

with your crazy son, and
I know I can't outrun you.

Don't talk about my boy now.

Your boy's crazy, just like you.

Oh, that's it.

Let's get outta here
before he comes back.

Let's get outta here.

We have to go, we have to go

I gotta set you down,
I gotta set you down.

We have to go.

I see she lives, huh?

What you doin', hero?

What you gonna do with
that little thing?

When I was nine years
old, I had this knife.

My dad was teachin' me
how to carve somethin'.

So I was sittin' here, carvin',

and then I decided to
go back the wrong way.

When I went back the
wrong way, I cut my hand,

and I bled all over the place.

When I was a little kid,
I screamed bloody murder.

You know what? I'm
not afraid of you.

You should be, though.

I'm not afraid of
your crime scene tape.

You keep messin' with me-
You shouldan't hurt my boy.

You're goin' in there.

I know what you did to my boy.

What'd I do to your boy?

He told me.

What'd he tell you?

You hurt him pretty bad, I
see. You like pickin' on kids?

I don't like pickin' on kids,

but when they jump on my back

and they're beatin'
you with a baton,

I'm gonna bang their
ass against a tree.

- Just kill him!
- Till they fall off.

Your little friend
over here, does she?

Oh, you're pretty strong, huh?

Yeah.

Let me ax you a question.

Pretty good.

- Get him! Finish him!
- Pretty good shot, I see.

You ain't got it in
you. Go ahead and do it.

I knew you didn't have it
in you, you fancy pants.

Let's get the hell outta here.

Is he did? Are you
sure he's dead?

I hope so.

Make sure he's dead.

He's dead.

Let's get outta here.

♪ This land is my land ♪

♪ Not your land ♪

It's been a while
since this happened,

and I remember it
like it was yesterday.

I can't get it outta my head

that I'm being followed

by that guy with the red hair,

and it just bothers me

because, I mean, where do I go?

Where can I feel safe?

It's just like he's always there

and he's always comin' after
me, no matter what I do.

Well, you're a really
successful author,

and you've written a book which
has made you a lot of money.

Surely, you have some set aside

where you can buy some
solace for yourself.

Maybe get away from the
world, take a vacation.

That's what I'm afraid of.

I'm afraid if I get out there,

I'm afraid if I go somewhere,
he's gonna be there,

and I'm just gonna look
off into the trees,

and he's just gonna be
standin' right there,

and he's gonna have his ax,

and he's gonna come and get
me, because he was relentless.

He would not stop
coming after me.

You know, these
therapy sessions

would be a lot more effective

if you actually came in
person to talk with me,

rather than over the phone.

Well, if I came and saw
you in person every week,

that would give him
a point of reference,

and then he would
know where I am.

And if he knows where I am,

that means he
could do somethin'.

He could do something.
He could find me.

That's where he could
get me, at your office.

Well, you say this guy
only is in the woods,

so just maybe stick to the city.

He's not going to
go to the city.

He's not going to
come to my office.

You're just talking very
delusional right now.

Wouldn't you?

Wouldn't you if you had
a near-death experience

like this, Doc, huh?

Wouldn't you?

If you had somebody
try to kill you,

wouldn't you be a
little bit paranoid,

a little bit delusional,

if you had someone who
was tryin' to get you,

who was out there?

I got another call, Doc.

Let me pick up the other
line and see who's there.

Okay, I'm not going anywhere.

Hello?

♪ This land is my land ♪

♪ This is not your land ♪

♪ These are my woods ♪

♪ These are not yours ♪

♪ I'm gonna get y'all ♪

♪ If y'all don't leave here ♪

I tell ya, thinkin' about
gettin' a satellite phone,

'cause I don't ever wanna
be caught out in the woods,

off the beaten path,
without a way out.

That was terrifying!

Next up, "Dracophobia."

You scared of dragons?
They're not real, right?

Are you sure?

Hey, Daddy.

Katie, how you doin'?

I'm doin' okay.

Just still working from home,
the whole pandemic thing.

How 'bout you?

Well, to tell you the truth,

I was workin' from home long
before it became popular.

Yeah, I let the lawyers at my
firm do all my heavy lifting.

I'd rather stay home and
work on my writing anyway.

How is your book coming?

Well, to tell you the truth,
I threw it out, started over.

It was all over the place,
too many different locations.

Plus, I was tired when
I wrote it anyway,

so I just threw it
out and started over

with a whole new storyline.

That's awesome.

What about you?

How's the designs coming
for that fraternity house?

I know your boss was anxious
for you to get finished.

Yeah, I'm looking forward
to finishing it too.

You know, I'm at a place

where I can't think
of anything new,

I can't think of
anything different.

I'm just ready for
this to be done with.

Well, just do your
best, baby girl.

Thank you. I'll try.

So what are you
doin' this weekend?

Why, what's up?

Well, you know, get out and
see the world, socialize.

Stop and smell the roses.

Hmm, it's too hot out
there for roses, Daddy.

It's just a figure of speech.

You know what I'm
talkin' about.

Um, I'm gonna call
you back, okay?

I love you. I got a
knock at the door.

It's probably the landlord
lookin' for this month's rent.

I paid that already this month.

Well then, it's
opportunity knocking.

Ooh, that's a good
idea. Love you, bye.

Heather?

- Hi!
- Hey!

What are you doin' here?

I just came to check up on you.

You've been avoiding
my phone calls.

Uh, not avoiding, just
workin' a lot, you know?

You're in a rut. You need
to get out of your rut.

Yeah, I have, like,
these new design plans

for this frat house that
I'm doing for the school,

and it's freakin' killing me.

Well, why do you work so much?

You know, we used to
call you Perfectionist

when you were in school.

Well, not all of us can be cool.

Not cool, just having fun.

You need more fun.

Yeah, what was it that you
always used to tell me?

"You gotta live while you can"?

That's right, you gotta
live while you can.

And I'm about to go live.
You wanna come along?

Dude, is that your car?

Oh, yeah, that's my new car.

Oh, I love it!

So you should pack a bag.

Mine's already in the trunk,

and we could put the top down,

if the weather ever
clears up, and head out.

Uh...

Come on, Katie! You
know you wanna go.

Yeah... Let me think about it.

Break out of the rut, girl.

Where did you say
you were going?

Wherever the road takes us.

You know what? Let
me go grab my laptop.

Let's go.
- All right!

I'll meet you in the car.

All right.

So, you know I haven't
smoked since college?

You know, I was the one
who got you started.

Well, you always
were a fun influence.

Fun, fun, fun, till her
daddy takes the T-Bird away.

Wait, is that your house?

That little white one?
Girl, no, this is a break.

We live so far out,
really secluded.

What? There isn't
even anything here.

This is metropolis
compared to where we live.

Okay.

The city girl's gone country.

Seriously, wait till you meet
my husband. He's an animal.

Is he cute?

I think he is.

That's awesome. Is he nice?

He can be hot.

Like, seriously, on-fire hot.

You'll see.

So where are we goin'?

Wander.

You're not in a hurry, are you?

Eh.

You shouldn't be.

What's this?

Well, if you look at
it, it says "demons."

I like to think that sometimes,

the town folks do weird rituals

and walk around the circle.

Wanna dance in the circle?

Maybe we should come
back in the moonlight.

Uh, it's a little creepy
for my taste, but...

Oh, honey, you gotta live.

But seriously, demons.

I wonder if they ever
summoned one into this circle.

Well, get outta there.

Why? Because a
demon might come up?

Here, demie, demie, demie!

Hey, let's check
out the library.

Oh, we can't.

It's only open, like, three
hours a day, every other day.

Really inconvenient
for when you're tryin'

to do your occult research,

uh, I mean your
research, you know?

I love this house.

It's cute. You gonna buy it
and re-fix it up, remodel?

I don't know, but I love
those Doric columns.

It is adorable.

Oh, and look at the cute
little rocking chairs.

You can meet a
hot-hot-hottie guy,

and sit there and
rock your lives away,

till one of you dies.

I'd say grow old
together, but you know,

nothing in life is certain.

Eh, that's true.

So we're takin' a break.

It's, like, quite a
ways to the house still,

and this is basically
the only rest area.

You need to go?

Uh, I think I'm good.

Thank you.
- Yeah,

probably get murdered
in there anyway.

So this normally is
where all the kids

hold the birthday parties,

and there was like a little
hoedown thing here once,

I think after, you
know, they shucked corn.

- That's awesome.
- Yeah.

- I love corn.
- I like corn too.

So how long has it been
since you've walked

on a railroad track?

Uh, I guess since
I was a little kid.

That's earlier than I have.

Did you know that they used
to call trains iron dragons?

No, I didn't know that.

Little interesting
bit of trivia.

Guess it makes sense,

like a dragon.

Yeah, and I guess with
all that steam and fire.

Yeah. That's cool.

I think the town is dying.

We're going to be more
secluded than ever.

Everything's closed.

There's not even anyone
at the police department.

Mm-mm.

Gosh.

Kind of makes everything
really secluded, doesn't it?

Creepy.
- Yeah, seems lonely.

And kind of unsafe. Who would
you call if you needed help?

I don't know.

I'm so glad Pa
Curtis keeps me safe.

You know what I miss?
- What?

The shops in the city.

You ever thought
about goin' back?

Wait till you meet my husband.

You'll see why that's
not a possibility.

It's worth it. I have
other fringe benefits.

- Fringes are good.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, look at the cute
little bandstand.

Wanna look?

Yeah, let's check it
out while I'm here.

This is old school.

Can you imagine those men
with the beige trousers,

and the suits with the jackets

with the red and white stripes

playing different brass
instruments, and straw hats?

You can't even get
any service out here.

No, you can't. This
is what I was saying.

If you had to call for help,
you really couldn't do it.

So do you remember that time

when we made all of you
pledges drink, like,

17 gallons of
Kool-Aid in an hour?

Yeah, that was disgusting.

I can't even go near Kool-Aid.

I know, you puked
your guts out.

Yeah, I did.

But that's how we
knew you were in.

You womaned up! It was great.

And then, after you were in,

all you did was work,
work, work, work, work.

You never dated, ever.

Yeah, I just wanted to be able

to take care of
my dad, you know?

Mm-hmm. So has there
been a guy since?

Mm, not really.

No love for Katie?

I mean, there was this one guy,

but he wasn't really
into marriage,

and so, you know, I kinda
broke it off with him.

He was nice enough.

But then

if he wasn't into marriage,

'cause I know you're
the good girl,

so you didn't, you know?

No, we just broke up,
and then, you know,

I moved back home
to help my dad.

And you know, he's
still a lawyer,

but he spends a
lotta time at home,

you know, since his stroke,

so just spent a lotta time

doing a lot of freelance
architecture work, and yeah.

And how's he doing now?

Working on a book, strangely.

Still does, I guess, peripheral
stuff at the law firm,

but yeah, working
on a Western book,

and then he wants
to make it a movie.

I don't know, "Burnin'
Something," I don't know.

But he's busy?

He stays that way.

I'm sure he'll be
really busy coming up.

It's like a Western
thing, it's super cool.

So even though you
spent all of this time

taking care of him
after his stroke,

what would happen if,
you know, you needed him?

I mean, he calls
and checks up on me

- like every day, so
like- - Every day?

Yeah, every day,

yeah, which is why
I was tryin' to see

if the phone was working,

because if he calls,
and I don't talk to him,

he gets super worried.

But he doesn't know
where you are now.

This was so spur-of-the-moment.

You don't think he's
gonna be worried?

Probably.

I mean, we both are on
the same phone plan,

so I'm sure he could track
me if he really wanted.

Mm.

Well, we should go.

What kind phone do you have?

Uh, it's you know,
a really crappy old.

- Can I see?
- Sure.

Cool.

We should totally go.

One, two, three, four!

Hi, Pa!

Hey, darlin'.

Come on, Katie.

How's my lady doin'?

Pa!

Good to see you.

Katie, this is my new
husband, Pa Curtis.

Hey.

It's good to meet you.
- How are you?

Good to meet you.
- Pa, this is Katie.

You remember Katie?
I told you about her.

She was the undergrad from
the fraternity-sorority rush.

Well, how could we
forget Katherine?

So, uh, she mentioned
that you were a pastor?

That's right, somethin' like
that, when I need to be.

Nice. This place is really
far out there, isn't it?

It is, and nice, peaceful,
quiet out here in the country.

Yeah, I bet.

Katie's an architect.

Ah, okay.

She has a lot of work to do,

so I thought being out
here in the peace and quiet

would do her some good.

Ah, come out here and relax,
get your head together, ah.

Yeah, it's a pretty boring job,

designing houses for
rich people, but.

- Hey, pays the bills-
- This place is great.

Doesn't it?

- Yeah, it does.
- And maybe some day,

we'll be one of
those rich people.

That's right, you can
design us a place.

That would be awesome.

Well, if you came
out here to relax,

Heather'll show you around,

and take a gander
at the property,

and get your mind at ease.

There isn't anything we
shouldn't show her, is there?

I wouldn't show her
the burned-down barn.

She's an architect. We
don't want her to see that.

It's not aesthetically
appealing!

- Ah, this is true.
- Come on, Katie!

Let's go!

- Go have fun, ladies.
- Good to meet you.

See you later.
- See you soon. All right.

So this is the house.

It was built in the 1950s by
one of Pa Curtis's ancestors.

And got a lotta history to it.

Yeah, it's got a lotta
character. I love it.

Lotta charm.

I'm gonna go show you
around in the back.

We're gonna have a lotta fun.

So this is the piece de
resistance of our grand tour.

So about 200 years ago, one
of Pa Curtis's relatives

was a witch, and
for some reason,

she hung herself from one
of the branches of the tree.

And afterwards, when the
village people found her,

they took her down
and burned her body

with some of the other branches,

and yet, everything
still grows around it.

Is that weird, or
what, family history?

Yeah, it is weird.
It's a beautiful tree.

It really is, and it's
so peaceful out here.

Sometimes, I come out here
with a book and a cup of tea,

and just hang.

But it's still kinda creepy.

- You wanna see the
rest- - Yeah, it is.

Of the place?

I'm not so sure,
but might as well.

Come on, you'll have fun!

Hey, a mushroom!

And this is our propane
tank. Don't ask, okay?

I love my husband, but
we live in the country,

and we don't have natural gas.

Doesn't everybody
have natural gas?

Not out in the country.

Good to know.

Mm.

And this, kinda creepy.

And this is the well shed.

We actually don't
use it anymore,

but this is how Pa Curtis's
family used to get their water.

I see why it's used to.

Yeah.

Now we have the water
tower, so we use that.

- Good to know.
- And you know,

the bottled stuff
from the store.

So don't judge.

No judgment, it's pretty cool.

I'm out here by myself,
instead of on a date

with a pretty girl.

Girls can't get you high.

See these?

Some good shit right here.

Too bad you can't have any.

Yeah, yeah.

Where'd you come from, hmm?

Where's your owners, hmm?

Where's your people at?

You out here lookin'
for mushrooms too?

Yeah, who's a good
kitty? Good kitty, kitty.

And this is the white shed.

We don't go in there.

Why not?

I don't know.

Pa Curtis just said,
"Don't go in there."

I think it's dangerous, or
cluttered, filled with rats.

I don't know.

Hopefully feral cats.

Feral cats, rats.

So, uh, where's that
burned-down barn

you're not supposed to show me?

Promise not to tell?

Cross my heart and spit.

Back that way.

'cause you know how
he's always watching.

He said no.

This is it, the
burned-down barn.

But don't say anything to hubby,

because he said no, you know,
not in the good way, so...

This is a burned-down barn?

Yes, see all of the ashy pieces?

And I think there was
a car in there once

that was in there too.

So why is it forbidden exactly?

I have no clue.

Hubby says no, I say okay,
because I'm a good wife.

It's pretty gross right here.

It really, really is.

I mean, we've had a
lot of rain lately.

All the burnt pieces are
gettin' all wet, timber-y.

I really gotta change.

And that's it, that's
the grand tour.

Cool.

It's a cool lighter.

Thanks.

So, uh, did you
burn the barn down?

I didn't burn the barn down.

It's a secret, Katie.

What secret?

Dragons.

Dragons?

Dragons are real.

You mean like big lizard,
Komodo dragons, or...

Dragons, like
breathing-freaking-fire dragons.

Have you been eating

some of those forest
mushroom, because...

No.

Kate, let me tell you, and
you cannot tell Pa this, okay?

He summoned a dragon in
the garage, in the barn,

and that's what burned it down.

What's really in
these cigarettes,

because I'm not sure if I
want what you're smoking.

- Katie!
- What?

It's true, and you can't
tell Pa I told you.

Bad things might happen
if he knows you know.

Dragons.

Dragons.

Okay, well,

I hate dragons.

I can't even stand to
be around lizards, okay?

They feel like baseball gloves.

What?

They're smooth,
they're not slimy.

It's actually kinda cool.

I can't stand any lizards.

No gators, no geckos.

I can't even watch any
of those commercials

that have the little
happy lizard in it.

I can't. I don't know
what you call it.

Geckos.

You know, where you're afraid

of dragons and
geckos, and all that.

Geckophobia, or some shit?

Draco.

Dracophobia.

You have dracophobia.

Maybe this isn't such a good
place for you to be after all.

So much for peace and quiet.

Don't tell Pa you know.

Hey, is that a four-leaf clover?

Okay, we have dragons
here, not leprechauns.

So we're about to have dinner.

When we go in there, please
don't tell Pa anything

I just told you.

About the dragons.

About the dragons,
about the barn. Nothing.

I'm worried about you, Katie.

So Pa, I heard you
summoned a dragon

and it burned down your barn.

And where'd you hear that?

I wonder!

A birdie told me?

Mm-hmm, I'm sure.

Tell me, do you believe?

In dragons?

Hmm?

It's just a fairy tale.

You believe in God, right?

Can you touch God?

No, but you still
believe in God.

Dragons are the same way.

Can't touch them, can't
touch God, but still exist.

So where do they
live? They live close?

Mm-hmm.

Have you ever walked
out in the forest,

come across a big
hole in the ground?

It's called a Knucker hole.

It's where a Knucker
dragon lives.

- A Knucker dragon?
- Mm-hmm.

I mean, are you sure it's
not just some big tree

that fell down and...

Why don't we just
change the subject?

So you're an architect?

So you build barns and
houses, stuff like that?

I just design 'em.

Might have to get you
to design us a new barn.

Maybe. You know, that's
where I met Heather.

She was a graduate student
when I was an undergrad,

and she really helped me
through a lotta stuff.

Okay. Oh, sorority.

- Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.

And now, I'm a talent scout.

What kinda talent?

I just find people
that need to be found.

I found you, didn't I?

People that are in tact.

Were your ears burning, Katie?

Why would my ears be burning?

Well, usually, if you're
talking about someone,

their ears burn, but you're
right here in front of us,

and we're talking about you.

I think they're okay.

Okay, well, Pa, I found her.

It's true.

You know, I wasn't
completely truthful with you.

Earlier, you know, you asked
me if I was a minister.

I am, just not what
you have in mind.

You don't really strike me

as a Southern
Baptist type anyway.

No, no, no.

I practice a polytheistic
religion, Dragonoph.

Dragons are real, and if I
were you, wouldn't be laughing.

And sometimes,
dragons need to eat.

You know, the
world was designed

and brought into being by
dragons, and human sacrifice.

That way, we can prove
ourselves worthy.

I think he must a gotten a hold

some of those mushrooms too.

No, honey, there's only one

really, truly worthy
human for a dragon.

That's a virgin.

You know, the girl who was
always too busy at school?

So...

That's why I'm here,
to meet a dragon?

I told you, I'm
a talent scout.

I wouldn't necessarily
say meet a dragon.

But now you're
gonna be the star.

The featured
guest, if you will.

This dinner is in your honor.

You could sorta say
you're the star.

Okay, so, um...

You know, I think that
I'm gonna go lay down.

It's been a long drive, and
I just, I'm really tired.

We figured you might
have some objection.

That's hwy we went ahead
and spiked your food,

so you can't go anywhere, so.

Wait.

- Because- - Go ahead.

- This is your honor.
- You did, you did what?

This meal is in
your honor, Katie.

You're the star!

Whoa.

Night-night.

Wake up, wake up.

Hi.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Comfy?

Heather?

Hi, honey.

What's going on?

It's your important day.

What do you mean my important
day? Get me down from here!

It's a very special day.

Remember?

Remember what?

Heather, quit playin' around.
Get me down from here!

This isn't a game, honey.

This is a special day, because
it's an ancient ritual.

What kind of ritual?

What kind of sick
shit are you two into?

We're going to turn Pa
Curtis into a dragon!

Help!

There's no need for that.

That's not gonna help anybody.

Once I merge with the ancient
Apep, everything will be fine.

Apep?

Yeah.

Who the fuck is Apep?

He's the ancient lord of chaos,

the dragon that was born from
the umbilical cord of Ra.

You two have lost your mind.

No, honey, no.

Pa, do we have
everything we need?

All we need is a little bit
of blood, little bit of hair.

Come here, honey,
this won't hurt.

No kicking!

A little blood.

Fuck off!

Only a few drops!

There we go.

Now, Pa!

That wasn't so bad.

No, it wasn't.

Now, Pa is going
to lie right here,

and you can see
the transformation!

You two have lost your mind.

No, it's like magic.

It is magic.

Lord Apep,

come to us!

Take over this mortal coil!

Become one with your
servant, Pa Curtis,

and rule this world that
you've been cast from!

We call you, Lord Apep!

Now watch, honey. The
fun's gonna start.

This is gonna take
a little while.

Did I ever tell you what
happened to the barn?

What? What does it even matter?

Why'd the barn burn down?

I don't care!

Well, you should care.
This is important.

So the barn burned down
because of the dragon.

It was a female
dragon, his ex-wife!

Oh, great.

And she burned down the barn

and ran off into the woods,

and he wants to be with her.
- What the fuck is that?

It's a dragon!

What the fuck?

Isn't he beautiful?

Fuck off!

Oh, now, be nice!

No!

- It's okay, honey!
- No!

Fuck off!

She's yours.

What the fuck?

Help!

Be nice!

Fuck you.

Fuck you, Heather.

She needs you!

Fuck you, Heather.

Hey, I got you a virgin,

and this is what
you're gonna do to me?

Stop it! I brought you a virgin!

I got you a virgin!
I made a sacrifice!

You're not nice!

You cheating,

awful dragon husband!

Oh!

You go! Find that ex-wife!

I don't like you anymore.

We made a deal!

Go.

Go find her. Go!

Keep going!

Go on!

Go!

Men.

Go!

Thank you so much.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you!

Oh, I don't know, grab
the rope over there.

Hurry up.

Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry!

Look, dude, just get outta
here. He's coming, just go!

Let's go!

Think we lost him.

I hope so. What's your name?

Winston.

- Hey, I'm Katie.
- What's yours?

Nice to meet you.

So what were you
doing out here anyway?

Foraging for mushrooms.

Heard some strange sounds,
and went over to check it out.

Thank you for stopping.

Yeah. Managed to swipe
these on the way out.

Dude, un-cuff me, quick,
quick, quick, quick, quick.

Dude, hurry up!

Just give me the key!
- Take it. Oh!

♪ You walked out ♪

Dude, what are you doing?

I know where she hides her keys.

Get in.
- I'm driving!

Get in!

I saved your ass!
What are you doing?

♪ You walked out, you saved
my life (indistinct) ♪

So how long have you

been having problems
with your spouse?

Oh, about a
week-and-a-half, I suppose.

What do you got goin' on?

Really, have you seen
him? He's a dragon!

Do you have a
problem with that?

Well, a little bit!

He's only a dragon
because he wanted

to go chase after
his floozy ex-wife,

who would not take him back.

So the ex-wife is
still in the picture?

No, because she
wouldn't take him back.

So now, all he wants to do
is go hunting and fishing,

and he doesn't want
me to rule the nest,

even though that's
the female's place.

How do you feel
about this, sir?

When did he decide to
undergo this change?

Oh, it's been in the
works for a long time

because she burned
down our barn.

And then he married
me because I'm, like,

the high priestess of Apep,

would be able to help him
transform into the god

and go chase after her.

How did you two
meet each other?

Oh, totally online.

You know, there's that
dating site, Gods 'R Us.

Oh, I was thinkin'
maybe there's a way

for him to control
this situation.

It'll be to find a productive
outlet for his aggressions.

What do you think
about that, honey?

Could you find a productive
outlet for your aggressions?

How 'bout, like,
an amusement park?

He could totally work at an
amusement park, don't you think?

That seems like a good idea,

- something- -
Costume character!

- Yes, indeed.
- Pictures with the kids.

Just don't eat
any of the kids.

We'll find you
nice sheep to eat.

Do dragons eat sheep?

I'm pretty sure dragons eat

whatever dragons wanna eat.

It's true.

I can make you some,
like, chicken and waffles

when we get home.

Would you like that?

Chicken and waffles? No?

What would you like?

Small children?

Um, that might be an, wouldn't
that be an issue, Doctor?

That would be an issue.

You know, teenagers,
they're always a problem.

Maybe we could find
some teenagers?

All right, well, I think

that's about all the time
we have for this session.

I'm glad to see y'all are
tryin' to work it out,

and it seems like in the long
run, this marriage will work.

Oh, I'm so happy, honey.

Do you think you
could make it work out

with your significant other
if they turned into a dragon?

I don't know about that.

Well, I'm Jenni Di Fatta, and
that's it for "Wrong Places."

See you next time.