Original subtitles

Hey, I'm Jenni Di Fatta.

We've got two stories for you today, "Wrong Places."

You know those stories about people who just end up

in the wrong place at exactly the wrong time?

Well, glad it's not me.

Anyways, first up is "Off the Beaten Path."

A writer searches for inspiration out in the woods,

but what he finds is terror!

You rang?

Yes, I've been callin' you all mornin'.

It's past the deadline.

I haven't heard anything from you about the new manuscript.

I've been hard at work at it.

I should have the new book finished by the end of the month.

No, no, that's not good enough.

I need that finished by the end of the week.

You don't realize what kinda pressure we're under!

Hey, you're the flavor of the month.

You're hotter than a biscuit,

and the readers want your next book now.

I know that, and I've been tryin' my best

to search for inspiration,

but it's just not out there right.

You know, the world, the way the world is, everybody's sad.

Have you seen social media?

Everybody just gets on there

to talk about how terrible their life is.

I know, but you can't let that get you down.

I know last year was a bit of a downer,

but your books inspire people.

Cheer them up.

You have to get out there and do some writing.

All right, well...

What do you recommend then, if...

What do you mean?

You know, you've had other writers before

that you've had to help get their books done.

I have a week to finish this book.

What do you recommend, in terms of me finishing?

What kind of inspiration should I seek out?

Well, I recommend you get out in the world.

Get out in nature, get some exercise, hit the gym.

Get your mind in the right place.

Well, you're wanting me to write

a twisted, sadistic horror book.

I'm pretty sure you want my mind in the wrong place.

You know what I mean.

Get your head in the right mindset

to give me a twisted story!

Find out what works for you.

Drink a cup of coffee, get outta bed.

It's after noon, for goodness sake!

All right.

I'll work on this new book

and I'll call you when I have somethin'.

Up and at 'em! I'll call you later, see how it's going.

Talk to you later, Keith.

Hey.

Hey there!

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

I was just stoppin' to check my bandage for a minute.

I've been walkin' out here for a while,

and I burned my leg the other day doin' some yard work.

All right, well, do you need me

to make a call or anything, or?

Oh, no, no, I think I may be seein' stuff though.

Are you down here by yourself?

Yeah, I'm out here by myself.

I came out here to kinda get some ideas for my new book.

It's a hot day. It's a really hot day for that.

It really is, but feel like I see somebody else,

you know, like, when I...

Was it me or someone else?

- No, it's not you. - Oh, okay.

Kinda lookin' around and see this guy runnin'.

He's got red hair.

- Have you seen- - I haven't seen

anything like that- You haven't seen a guy

like that, okay. - No.

No, and I've been walkin' for almost an hour now,

and I haven't seen anything.

- Okay, well, maybe I- - But this is new area to me.

I'm not from here, so maybe there's someone you know

down here or something, I don't know.

I don't know.

All right, well, thanks for.

Do you want me to stay with you for a while?

Are yo okay? - No, no, I'm fine, I'm fine.

You go ahead. You probably got places to be.

I'm just out here killin' time.

Okay, well, I'm gonna walk straight that way,

and I'll come back at some point, check on you.

- All right. - See if you're okay.

- All right, have a good one. - If I can help you,

just let me know. - All right, thanks.

Okay, no problem.

What's a fine lady like yourself

doin' out here?

What'd you say?

What's a fine lady like you doin' out here

in these woods?

You must be that redhead guy this guy was talkin' about.

What are you doin' here?

I live out here. These my woods.

They're your woods?

Well, I'm just passin' through.

All right.

- You be safe. - Where you headed?

- Just walking. - Where'd you come from?

Just walking.

You don't wanna stay and chat a while?

No, I'm good, thank you. You be safe, though.

Well, don't be in such a rush.

That's pretty rude to treat a man's home that way.

Just walking in the woods,

mindin' my own business, taking a stroll.

I'll see you around.

Maybe.

What are you doin' out here by yourself?

My daddy's gonna get you!

Get me? Who's your daddy?

They're our woods!

Your woods?

Public walking trail.

Not anymore.

No, he's gonna get you today,

and he is definitely gonna get you!

And I know that he will get you.

What you got there? Bible?

I'm a writer. I'm tryin' to write a book.

Supposed to be turned it in 'bout a week ago,

and I'm just runnin' behind schedule, so...

You must not seen all the caution tape around here.

Caution tape?

Musta missed it.

What's all that caution tape for?

Let's just say these are my woods.

Your woods?

Yes, Mr. Tom Sawyer.

You're the one I been seein' out here,

followin' me around on top of the hills and stuff?

Maybe, maybe not.

Thought for a minute maybe I was losin' my mind,

or you weren't real, you're a figment of my imagination.

You lost your mind when you got out your car.

When I got out my car.

I'll tell you what, I'm not afraid of you!

Think you can just come up to me, talk shit,

and you think I'm gonna get afraid of you

'cause you have some ax in your hand,

'cause you been cuttin' up some wood

and you're gonna point out some caution tape,

try to scare me?

- Yeah. - That's not how it works.

This is a public running trail, jogging trail,

and I can go where I please.

This isn't your land.

Not your creepy little boy's land either.

Now, don't talk about my boy.

My boy, that'll get you killed.

Yeah, all right. You stay the hell away from me!

I suggest you leave.

Stay the hell away from me.

- These are my parts. - You go that way.

I'll give you a chance to leave, boy.

Hey, hey, are you okay?

Are you okay?

My daddy's gonna get you!

You little fucker! You just...

Hear, he's gonna get you!

I don't know who you are.

These are our woods!

What are you talkin' about?

My daddy's gonna get you.

I'll keep my eye out for your daddy,

but you better take care of yourself, little kid.

Yes, ma'am.

Yes.

Let's go to the next person.

Me again.

We keep runnin' into each other!

Yeah, how are you? How's your leg doing?

Oh, it's doin' okay.

- Just takin' a break? - I think I'll live.

I think it won't fall off.

That's good. I'm just gonna sit here and take a break.

I've been walkin' for a long time, it's.

- Yeah? - Just so hot.

- It is, yeah. - Oh, it's nice.

It was supposed to be cooling down,

and it looks like the weather's gettin' hot again.

Yeah, yeah. So how long have you walked?

You been able to make it okay?

Yeah, I've been makin' it okay.

They say this place is, like, seven miles,

- or somethin' like that, but- - Wow, okay.

I looked at my phone and it said I'd done

about a mile-and-a-half, or somethin' like that.

- That's not bad. - How many have you done?

I probably have done about four, 4-1/2 miles.

I've been walkin' for a while.

I think that's why I'm so hot right now.

- Right. - Good exercise.

It's real pretty out here.

It is, yeah. It's tucked away from the world.

It's not the normal place to go.

There's a lot of other parks around here.

They're all paved and everything,

- but this place- - Okay.

So I chose a good one.

I've never been down to these areas before.

- Right. - So it's nice to go somewhere

where there's not concrete everywhere.

Right, right, right.

Where I come from, concrete's everywhere.

Yeah, it's nice bein' away from the city

and out in the country.

So quiet, except for the mosquitoes, that's it.

So where do you come from?

Well, the last place I came from was Ohio.

Yeah?

So I've been down here for a little while,

and I'm getting used to it down here.

It's really, really hot and humid, but I like it like that.

Yeah, I got you.

Yeah, to me, the winters are pretty cold.

You know, I originally came from Alaska,

and so, up there, you have a dry cold,

and down here, you could go outside, and it's humid,

and so it really gets through your jackets

and that kinda stuff. - Okay.

And I've got some metal in my back and metal in my arm,

so you know, that gets to me more than anything.

I see you walkin' around writing. What are you doing?

Oh, I'm a writer.

I was supposed to deliver a book, probably about a week ago,

and I'm just runnin' behind schedule.

So my publisher said I needed to get on it.

You know, he's givin' me about a week

to get finished up, so.

You gonna make it?

I hope so.

I usually work better under pressure,

and I've been tryin' to get my bearings.

I finally started writin' a few words, you know.

I came out here and I didn't really know

what I was lookin' for, and saw that redheaded guy.

I actually talked to him.

I saw the redheaded guy too.

You saw him too?

It was not your imagination.

He's real.

I walked past him earlier.

I don't understand what he's doing, what he's talkin' 'bout,

and I saw this little kid too,

who said his dad was going to get me.

I thought he was crying at first,

and then when I got up to check on him,

he burst out laughin' like a crazy kid.

Yeah, I saw that kid too.

Yeah, I didn't get the best vibes from either one of 'em.

Well, I don't know what's goin' out here,

but I tell you that I'm not scared

and I'm paying attention to everything out here.

Have a little stick and have some other things too,

just in case, but that's just creepy.

Really is, yeah.

They shouldn't be out here antagonizing people.

This is a public walking trail.

Well, you're right, it is, but you know,

since the whole time I've been here,

I haven't seen any kind of, like, troopers,

like anybody, you know, official people out here.

- Right. - It's just been people

like you, me walkin' around, redhead guy with the crazy son,

and couple bikers, that's it.

Yeah, I saw the bikers too. Just about ran me over.

Yeah, they're pretty okay, but I don't know.

I'm gonna finish my trail though, but.

Okay.

I'm not really sure about what's goin' on

with the situation right here,

and my cell phone's not workin' right now.

Oh, there's no reception out here.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, you be careful.

You as well.

And take care.

- I will, I'm- - Keep your eyes open.

I'll do my best. I'mma try to get this book finished up.

Okay, all right, take care. I hope to hear about it.

- Oh, yeah, you'll hopefully- - I'll say it's the guy.

- Read about it. - I saw on the trail

a while ago. - Yeah.

- Take care. - All right, you too.

You again?

Thought I told you to leave my woods.

I'm just sittin' here, enjoyin' myself and writing.

I'm gonna give you one more chance

to get outta my woods.

Okay, so we've already had strike one. This is strike two.

You know what three means.

What does three mean?

I shouldn't have to say it.

♪ This land is my land ♪

♪ This is not your land ♪

♪ These are my woods ♪

♪ These are not yours ♪

♪ I'm gonna get y'all ♪

♪ If y'all don't leave here ♪

What is wrong with you?

What is wrong with you? Who are you?

My daddy's gonna get you.

Your daddy? Who is your daddy?

Is that that redhead man that's your daddy?

What do you guys want? What's wrong with you guys?

We want you out of these woods.

Well, we're not leaving the woods.

This is public area, and give me that knife.

No, it isn't!

You need to get up and go home!

Go take your parent!

And don't come back here!

Fine, but you stay away from me, little kid.

You're messin' with someone you shouldn't be.

How do I get out of here?

This way?

What are you...

Get off my back.

Get off of me.

Stay away from me!

What happened, Billy?

What'd they do to you?

They banged me on a tree, like I was a raccoon.

Who did it?

That guy who's in our woods.

Big fancy-pants guy?

Yeah.

You know what I'm gonna do to him, don't ya, Junior?

Yes.

All right. Now, you get on home now.

I'm gonna take care of these people.

Get on home now.

You don't need to see what I'm 'bout to do.

Hey, hey!

Daddy, Daddy, she's here!

That's strike three!

Okay, I need you to...

Where you goin'?

What is going on? What is goin' on?

I told you to get outta my woods.

Okay, this is not your woods, okay?

These are just public land, public land.

I don't know why you're chasin' me.

Well, let me tell you why.

I don't even care. I'm just telling you stop chasing me.

These are my woods.

This has been my family's land for generations,

and then y'all came and took it.

Nobody came and took anything.

I have never been here before,

so what are you talkin' about?

You sound crazy, and I have to say you are crazy.

Well, I may be, but these are my woods.

I'm gonna tell you, you better get out.

Okay, I'm tryin' to.

I'm at the end of my trail, but you're chasin' me

with your crazy son, and I know I can't outrun you.

Don't talk about my boy now.

Your boy's crazy, just like you.

Oh, that's it.

Let's get outta here before he comes back.

Let's get outta here.

We have to go, we have to go

I gotta set you down, I gotta set you down.

We have to go.

I see she lives, huh?

What you doin', hero?

What you gonna do with that little thing?

When I was nine years old, I had this knife.

My dad was teachin' me how to carve somethin'.

So I was sittin' here, carvin',

and then I decided to go back the wrong way.

When I went back the wrong way, I cut my hand,

and I bled all over the place.

When I was a little kid, I screamed bloody murder.

You know what? I'm not afraid of you.

You should be, though.

I'm not afraid of your crime scene tape.

You keep messin' with me- You shouldan't hurt my boy.

You're goin' in there.

I know what you did to my boy.

What'd I do to your boy?

He told me.

What'd he tell you?

You hurt him pretty bad, I see. You like pickin' on kids?

I don't like pickin' on kids,

but when they jump on my back

and they're beatin' you with a baton,

I'm gonna bang their ass against a tree.

- Just kill him! - Till they fall off.

Your little friend over here, does she?

Oh, you're pretty strong, huh?

Yeah.

Let me ax you a question.

Pretty good.

- Get him! Finish him! - Pretty good shot, I see.

You ain't got it in you. Go ahead and do it.

I knew you didn't have it in you, you fancy pants.

Let's get the hell outta here.

Is he did? Are you sure he's dead?

I hope so.

Make sure he's dead.

He's dead.

Let's get outta here.

♪ This land is my land ♪

♪ Not your land ♪

It's been a while since this happened,

and I remember it like it was yesterday.

I can't get it outta my head

that I'm being followed

by that guy with the red hair,

and it just bothers me

because, I mean, where do I go?

Where can I feel safe?

It's just like he's always there

and he's always comin' after me, no matter what I do.

Well, you're a really successful author,

and you've written a book which has made you a lot of money.

Surely, you have some set aside

where you can buy some solace for yourself.

Maybe get away from the world, take a vacation.

That's what I'm afraid of.

I'm afraid if I get out there,

I'm afraid if I go somewhere, he's gonna be there,

and I'm just gonna look off into the trees,

and he's just gonna be standin' right there,

and he's gonna have his ax,

and he's gonna come and get me, because he was relentless.

He would not stop coming after me.

You know, these therapy sessions

would be a lot more effective

if you actually came in person to talk with me,

rather than over the phone.

Well, if I came and saw you in person every week,

that would give him a point of reference,

and then he would know where I am.

And if he knows where I am,

that means he could do somethin'.

He could do something. He could find me.

That's where he could get me, at your office.

Well, you say this guy only is in the woods,

so just maybe stick to the city.

He's not going to go to the city.

He's not going to come to my office.

You're just talking very delusional right now.

Wouldn't you?

Wouldn't you if you had a near-death experience

like this, Doc, huh?

Wouldn't you?

If you had somebody try to kill you,

wouldn't you be a little bit paranoid,

a little bit delusional,

if you had someone who was tryin' to get you,

who was out there?

I got another call, Doc.

Let me pick up the other line and see who's there.

Okay, I'm not going anywhere.

Hello?

♪ This land is my land ♪

♪ This is not your land ♪

♪ These are my woods ♪

♪ These are not yours ♪

♪ I'm gonna get y'all ♪

♪ If y'all don't leave here ♪

I tell ya, thinkin' about gettin' a satellite phone,

'cause I don't ever wanna be caught out in the woods,

off the beaten path, without a way out.

That was terrifying!

Next up, "Dracophobia."

You scared of dragons? They're not real, right?

Are you sure?

Hey, Daddy.

Katie, how you doin'?

I'm doin' okay.

Just still working from home, the whole pandemic thing.

How 'bout you?

Well, to tell you the truth,

I was workin' from home long before it became popular.

Yeah, I let the lawyers at my firm do all my heavy lifting.

I'd rather stay home and work on my writing anyway.

How is your book coming?

Well, to tell you the truth, I threw it out, started over.

It was all over the place, too many different locations.

Plus, I was tired when I wrote it anyway,

so I just threw it out and started over

with a whole new storyline.

That's awesome.

What about you?

How's the designs coming for that fraternity house?

I know your boss was anxious for you to get finished.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to finishing it too.

You know, I'm at a place

where I can't think of anything new,

I can't think of anything different.

I'm just ready for this to be done with.

Well, just do your best, baby girl.

Thank you. I'll try.

So what are you doin' this weekend?

Why, what's up?

Well, you know, get out and see the world, socialize.

Stop and smell the roses.

Hmm, it's too hot out there for roses, Daddy.

It's just a figure of speech.

You know what I'm talkin' about.

Um, I'm gonna call you back, okay?

I love you. I got a knock at the door.

It's probably the landlord lookin' for this month's rent.

I paid that already this month.

Well then, it's opportunity knocking.

Ooh, that's a good idea. Love you, bye.

Heather?

- Hi! - Hey!

What are you doin' here?

I just came to check up on you.

You've been avoiding my phone calls.

Uh, not avoiding, just workin' a lot, you know?

You're in a rut. You need to get out of your rut.

Yeah, I have, like, these new design plans

for this frat house that I'm doing for the school,

and it's freakin' killing me.

Well, why do you work so much?

You know, we used to call you Perfectionist

when you were in school.

Well, not all of us can be cool.

Not cool, just having fun.

You need more fun.

Yeah, what was it that you always used to tell me?

"You gotta live while you can"?

That's right, you gotta live while you can.

And I'm about to go live. You wanna come along?

Dude, is that your car?

Oh, yeah, that's my new car.

Oh, I love it!

So you should pack a bag.

Mine's already in the trunk,

and we could put the top down,

if the weather ever clears up, and head out.

Uh...

Come on, Katie! You know you wanna go.

Yeah... Let me think about it.

Break out of the rut, girl.

Where did you say you were going?

Wherever the road takes us.

You know what? Let me go grab my laptop.

Let's go. - All right!

I'll meet you in the car.

All right.

So, you know I haven't smoked since college?

You know, I was the one who got you started.

Well, you always were a fun influence.

Fun, fun, fun, till her daddy takes the T-Bird away.

Wait, is that your house?

That little white one? Girl, no, this is a break.

We live so far out, really secluded.

What? There isn't even anything here.

This is metropolis compared to where we live.

Okay.

The city girl's gone country.

Seriously, wait till you meet my husband. He's an animal.

Is he cute?

I think he is.

That's awesome. Is he nice?

He can be hot.

Like, seriously, on-fire hot.

You'll see.

So where are we goin'?

Wander.

You're not in a hurry, are you?

Eh.

You shouldn't be.

What's this?

Well, if you look at it, it says "demons."

I like to think that sometimes,

the town folks do weird rituals

and walk around the circle.

Wanna dance in the circle?

Maybe we should come back in the moonlight.

Uh, it's a little creepy for my taste, but...

Oh, honey, you gotta live.

But seriously, demons.

I wonder if they ever summoned one into this circle.

Well, get outta there.

Why? Because a demon might come up?

Here, demie, demie, demie!

Hey, let's check out the library.

Oh, we can't.

It's only open, like, three hours a day, every other day.

Really inconvenient for when you're tryin'

to do your occult research,

uh, I mean your research, you know?

I love this house.

It's cute. You gonna buy it and re-fix it up, remodel?

I don't know, but I love those Doric columns.

It is adorable.

Oh, and look at the cute little rocking chairs.

You can meet a hot-hot-hottie guy,

and sit there and rock your lives away,

till one of you dies.

I'd say grow old together, but you know,

nothing in life is certain.

Eh, that's true.

So we're takin' a break.

It's, like, quite a ways to the house still,

and this is basically the only rest area.

You need to go?

Uh, I think I'm good.

Thank you. - Yeah,

probably get murdered in there anyway.

So this normally is where all the kids

hold the birthday parties,

and there was like a little hoedown thing here once,

I think after, you know, they shucked corn.

- That's awesome. - Yeah.

- I love corn. - I like corn too.

So how long has it been since you've walked

on a railroad track?

Uh, I guess since I was a little kid.

That's earlier than I have.

Did you know that they used to call trains iron dragons?

No, I didn't know that.

Little interesting bit of trivia.

Guess it makes sense,

like a dragon.

Yeah, and I guess with all that steam and fire.

Yeah. That's cool.

I think the town is dying.

We're going to be more secluded than ever.

Everything's closed.

There's not even anyone at the police department.

Mm-mm.

Gosh.

Kind of makes everything really secluded, doesn't it?

Creepy. - Yeah, seems lonely.

And kind of unsafe. Who would you call if you needed help?

I don't know.

I'm so glad Pa Curtis keeps me safe.

You know what I miss? - What?

The shops in the city.

You ever thought about goin' back?

Wait till you meet my husband.

You'll see why that's not a possibility.

It's worth it. I have other fringe benefits.

- Fringes are good. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, look at the cute little bandstand.

Wanna look?

Yeah, let's check it out while I'm here.

This is old school.

Can you imagine those men with the beige trousers,

and the suits with the jackets

with the red and white stripes

playing different brass instruments, and straw hats?

You can't even get any service out here.

No, you can't. This is what I was saying.

If you had to call for help, you really couldn't do it.

So do you remember that time

when we made all of you pledges drink, like,

17 gallons of Kool-Aid in an hour?

Yeah, that was disgusting.

I can't even go near Kool-Aid.

I know, you puked your guts out.

Yeah, I did.

But that's how we knew you were in.

You womaned up! It was great.

And then, after you were in,

all you did was work, work, work, work, work.

You never dated, ever.

Yeah, I just wanted to be able

to take care of my dad, you know?

Mm-hmm. So has there been a guy since?

Mm, not really.

No love for Katie?

I mean, there was this one guy,

but he wasn't really into marriage,

and so, you know, I kinda broke it off with him.

He was nice enough.

But then

if he wasn't into marriage,

'cause I know you're the good girl,

so you didn't, you know?

No, we just broke up, and then, you know,

I moved back home to help my dad.

And you know, he's still a lawyer,

but he spends a lotta time at home,

you know, since his stroke,

so just spent a lotta time

doing a lot of freelance architecture work, and yeah.

And how's he doing now?

Working on a book, strangely.

Still does, I guess, peripheral stuff at the law firm,

but yeah, working on a Western book,

and then he wants to make it a movie.

I don't know, "Burnin' Something," I don't know.

But he's busy?

He stays that way.

I'm sure he'll be really busy coming up.

It's like a Western thing, it's super cool.

So even though you spent all of this time

taking care of him after his stroke,

what would happen if, you know, you needed him?

I mean, he calls and checks up on me

- like every day, so like- - Every day?

Yeah, every day,

yeah, which is why I was tryin' to see

if the phone was working,

because if he calls, and I don't talk to him,

he gets super worried.

But he doesn't know where you are now.

This was so spur-of-the-moment.

You don't think he's gonna be worried?

Probably.

I mean, we both are on the same phone plan,

so I'm sure he could track me if he really wanted.

Mm.

Well, we should go.

What kind phone do you have?

Uh, it's you know, a really crappy old.

- Can I see? - Sure.

Cool.

We should totally go.

One, two, three, four!

Hi, Pa!

Hey, darlin'.

Come on, Katie.

How's my lady doin'?

Pa!

Good to see you.

Katie, this is my new husband, Pa Curtis.

Hey.

It's good to meet you. - How are you?

Good to meet you. - Pa, this is Katie.

You remember Katie? I told you about her.

She was the undergrad from the fraternity-sorority rush.

Well, how could we forget Katherine?

So, uh, she mentioned that you were a pastor?

That's right, somethin' like that, when I need to be.

Nice. This place is really far out there, isn't it?

It is, and nice, peaceful, quiet out here in the country.

Yeah, I bet.

Katie's an architect.

Ah, okay.

She has a lot of work to do,

so I thought being out here in the peace and quiet

would do her some good.

Ah, come out here and relax, get your head together, ah.

Yeah, it's a pretty boring job,

designing houses for rich people, but.

- Hey, pays the bills- - This place is great.

Doesn't it?

- Yeah, it does. - And maybe some day,

we'll be one of those rich people.

That's right, you can design us a place.

That would be awesome.

Well, if you came out here to relax,

Heather'll show you around,

and take a gander at the property,

and get your mind at ease.

There isn't anything we shouldn't show her, is there?

I wouldn't show her the burned-down barn.

She's an architect. We don't want her to see that.

It's not aesthetically appealing!

- Ah, this is true. - Come on, Katie!

Let's go!

- Go have fun, ladies. - Good to meet you.

See you later. - See you soon. All right.

So this is the house.

It was built in the 1950s by one of Pa Curtis's ancestors.

And got a lotta history to it.

Yeah, it's got a lotta character. I love it.

Lotta charm.

I'm gonna go show you around in the back.

We're gonna have a lotta fun.

So this is the piece de resistance of our grand tour.

So about 200 years ago, one of Pa Curtis's relatives

was a witch, and for some reason,

she hung herself from one of the branches of the tree.

And afterwards, when the village people found her,

they took her down and burned her body

with some of the other branches,

and yet, everything still grows around it.

Is that weird, or what, family history?

Yeah, it is weird. It's a beautiful tree.

It really is, and it's so peaceful out here.

Sometimes, I come out here with a book and a cup of tea,

and just hang.

But it's still kinda creepy.

- You wanna see the rest- - Yeah, it is.

Of the place?

I'm not so sure, but might as well.

Come on, you'll have fun!

Hey, a mushroom!

And this is our propane tank. Don't ask, okay?

I love my husband, but we live in the country,

and we don't have natural gas.

Doesn't everybody have natural gas?

Not out in the country.

Good to know.

Mm.

And this, kinda creepy.

And this is the well shed.

We actually don't use it anymore,

but this is how Pa Curtis's family used to get their water.

I see why it's used to.

Yeah.

Now we have the water tower, so we use that.

- Good to know. - And you know,

the bottled stuff from the store.

So don't judge.

No judgment, it's pretty cool.

I'm out here by myself, instead of on a date

with a pretty girl.

Girls can't get you high.

See these?

Some good shit right here.

Too bad you can't have any.

Yeah, yeah.

Where'd you come from, hmm?

Where's your owners, hmm?

Where's your people at?

You out here lookin' for mushrooms too?

Yeah, who's a good kitty? Good kitty, kitty.

And this is the white shed.

We don't go in there.

Why not?

I don't know.

Pa Curtis just said, "Don't go in there."

I think it's dangerous, or cluttered, filled with rats.

I don't know.

Hopefully feral cats.

Feral cats, rats.

So, uh, where's that burned-down barn

you're not supposed to show me?

Promise not to tell?

Cross my heart and spit.

Back that way.

'cause you know how he's always watching.

He said no.

This is it, the burned-down barn.

But don't say anything to hubby,

because he said no, you know, not in the good way, so...

This is a burned-down barn?

Yes, see all of the ashy pieces?

And I think there was a car in there once

that was in there too.

So why is it forbidden exactly?

I have no clue.

Hubby says no, I say okay, because I'm a good wife.

It's pretty gross right here.

It really, really is.

I mean, we've had a lot of rain lately.

All the burnt pieces are gettin' all wet, timber-y.

I really gotta change.

And that's it, that's the grand tour.

Cool.

It's a cool lighter.

Thanks.

So, uh, did you burn the barn down?

I didn't burn the barn down.

It's a secret, Katie.

What secret?

Dragons.

Dragons?

Dragons are real.

You mean like big lizard, Komodo dragons, or...

Dragons, like breathing-freaking-fire dragons.

Have you been eating

some of those forest mushroom, because...

No.

Kate, let me tell you, and you cannot tell Pa this, okay?

He summoned a dragon in the garage, in the barn,

and that's what burned it down.

What's really in these cigarettes,

because I'm not sure if I want what you're smoking.

- Katie! - What?

It's true, and you can't tell Pa I told you.

Bad things might happen if he knows you know.

Dragons.

Dragons.

Okay, well,

I hate dragons.

I can't even stand to be around lizards, okay?

They feel like baseball gloves.

What?

They're smooth, they're not slimy.

It's actually kinda cool.

I can't stand any lizards.

No gators, no geckos.

I can't even watch any of those commercials

that have the little happy lizard in it.

I can't. I don't know what you call it.

Geckos.

You know, where you're afraid

of dragons and geckos, and all that.

Geckophobia, or some shit?

Draco.

Dracophobia.

You have dracophobia.

Maybe this isn't such a good place for you to be after all.

So much for peace and quiet.

Don't tell Pa you know.

Hey, is that a four-leaf clover?

Okay, we have dragons here, not leprechauns.

So we're about to have dinner.

When we go in there, please don't tell Pa anything

I just told you.

About the dragons.

About the dragons, about the barn. Nothing.

I'm worried about you, Katie.

So Pa, I heard you summoned a dragon

and it burned down your barn.

And where'd you hear that?

I wonder!

A birdie told me?

Mm-hmm, I'm sure.

Tell me, do you believe?

In dragons?

Hmm?

It's just a fairy tale.

You believe in God, right?

Can you touch God?

No, but you still believe in God.

Dragons are the same way.

Can't touch them, can't touch God, but still exist.

So where do they live? They live close?

Mm-hmm.

Have you ever walked out in the forest,

come across a big hole in the ground?

It's called a Knucker hole.

It's where a Knucker dragon lives.

- A Knucker dragon? - Mm-hmm.

I mean, are you sure it's not just some big tree

that fell down and...

Why don't we just change the subject?

So you're an architect?

So you build barns and houses, stuff like that?

I just design 'em.

Might have to get you to design us a new barn.

Maybe. You know, that's where I met Heather.

She was a graduate student when I was an undergrad,

and she really helped me through a lotta stuff.

Okay. Oh, sorority.

- Mm-hmm. - Uh-huh.

And now, I'm a talent scout.

What kinda talent?

I just find people that need to be found.

I found you, didn't I?

People that are in tact.

Were your ears burning, Katie?

Why would my ears be burning?

Well, usually, if you're talking about someone,

their ears burn, but you're right here in front of us,

and we're talking about you.

I think they're okay.

Okay, well, Pa, I found her.

It's true.

You know, I wasn't completely truthful with you.

Earlier, you know, you asked me if I was a minister.

I am, just not what you have in mind.

You don't really strike me

as a Southern Baptist type anyway.

No, no, no.

I practice a polytheistic religion, Dragonoph.

Dragons are real, and if I were you, wouldn't be laughing.

And sometimes, dragons need to eat.

You know, the world was designed

and brought into being by dragons, and human sacrifice.

That way, we can prove ourselves worthy.

I think he must a gotten a hold

some of those mushrooms too.

No, honey, there's only one

really, truly worthy human for a dragon.

That's a virgin.

You know, the girl who was always too busy at school?

So...

That's why I'm here, to meet a dragon?

I told you, I'm a talent scout.

I wouldn't necessarily say meet a dragon.

But now you're gonna be the star.

The featured guest, if you will.

This dinner is in your honor.

You could sorta say you're the star.

Okay, so, um...

You know, I think that I'm gonna go lay down.

It's been a long drive, and I just, I'm really tired.

We figured you might have some objection.

That's hwy we went ahead and spiked your food,

so you can't go anywhere, so.

Wait.

- Because- - Go ahead.

- This is your honor. - You did, you did what?

This meal is in your honor, Katie.

You're the star!

Whoa.

Night-night.

Wake up, wake up.

Hi.

- Hey. - Hey.

Comfy?

Heather?

Hi, honey.

What's going on?

It's your important day.

What do you mean my important day? Get me down from here!

It's a very special day.

Remember?

Remember what?

Heather, quit playin' around. Get me down from here!

This isn't a game, honey.

This is a special day, because it's an ancient ritual.

What kind of ritual?

What kind of sick shit are you two into?

We're going to turn Pa Curtis into a dragon!

Help!

There's no need for that.

That's not gonna help anybody.

Once I merge with the ancient Apep, everything will be fine.

Apep?

Yeah.

Who the fuck is Apep?

He's the ancient lord of chaos,

the dragon that was born from the umbilical cord of Ra.

You two have lost your mind.

No, honey, no.

Pa, do we have everything we need?

All we need is a little bit of blood, little bit of hair.

Come here, honey, this won't hurt.

No kicking!

A little blood.

Fuck off!

Only a few drops!

There we go.

Now, Pa!

That wasn't so bad.

No, it wasn't.

Now, Pa is going to lie right here,

and you can see the transformation!

You two have lost your mind.

No, it's like magic.

It is magic.

Lord Apep,

come to us!

Take over this mortal coil!

Become one with your servant, Pa Curtis,

and rule this world that you've been cast from!

We call you, Lord Apep!

Now watch, honey. The fun's gonna start.

This is gonna take a little while.

Did I ever tell you what happened to the barn?

What? What does it even matter?

Why'd the barn burn down?

I don't care!

Well, you should care. This is important.

So the barn burned down because of the dragon.

It was a female dragon, his ex-wife!

Oh, great.

And she burned down the barn

and ran off into the woods,

and he wants to be with her. - What the fuck is that?

It's a dragon!

What the fuck?

Isn't he beautiful?

Fuck off!

Oh, now, be nice!

No!

- It's okay, honey! - No!

Fuck off!

She's yours.

What the fuck?

Help!

Be nice!

Fuck you.

Fuck you, Heather.

She needs you!

Fuck you, Heather.

Hey, I got you a virgin,

and this is what you're gonna do to me?

Stop it! I brought you a virgin!

I got you a virgin! I made a sacrifice!

You're not nice!

You cheating,

awful dragon husband!

Oh!

You go! Find that ex-wife!

I don't like you anymore.

We made a deal!

Go.

Go find her. Go!

Keep going!

Go on!

Go!

Men.

Go!

Thank you so much.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Oh, I don't know, grab the rope over there.

Hurry up.

Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry!

Look, dude, just get outta here. He's coming, just go!

Let's go!

Think we lost him.

I hope so. What's your name?

Winston.

- Hey, I'm Katie. - What's yours?

Nice to meet you.

So what were you doing out here anyway?

Foraging for mushrooms.

Heard some strange sounds, and went over to check it out.

Thank you for stopping.

Yeah. Managed to swipe these on the way out.

Dude, un-cuff me, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick.

Dude, hurry up!

Just give me the key! - Take it. Oh!

♪ You walked out ♪

Dude, what are you doing?

I know where she hides her keys.

Get in. - I'm driving!

Get in!

I saved your ass! What are you doing?

♪ You walked out, you saved my life (indistinct) ♪

So how long have you

been having problems with your spouse?

Oh, about a week-and-a-half, I suppose.

What do you got goin' on?

Really, have you seen him? He's a dragon!

Do you have a problem with that?

Well, a little bit!

He's only a dragon because he wanted

to go chase after his floozy ex-wife,

who would not take him back.

So the ex-wife is still in the picture?

No, because she wouldn't take him back.

So now, all he wants to do is go hunting and fishing,

and he doesn't want me to rule the nest,

even though that's the female's place.

How do you feel about this, sir?

When did he decide to undergo this change?

Oh, it's been in the works for a long time

because she burned down our barn.

And then he married me because I'm, like,

the high priestess of Apep,

would be able to help him transform into the god

and go chase after her.

How did you two meet each other?

Oh, totally online.

You know, there's that dating site, Gods 'R Us.

Oh, I was thinkin' maybe there's a way

for him to control this situation.

It'll be to find a productive outlet for his aggressions.

What do you think about that, honey?

Could you find a productive outlet for your aggressions?

How 'bout, like, an amusement park?

He could totally work at an amusement park, don't you think?

That seems like a good idea,

- something- - Costume character!

- Yes, indeed. - Pictures with the kids.

Just don't eat any of the kids.

We'll find you nice sheep to eat.

Do dragons eat sheep?

I'm pretty sure dragons eat

whatever dragons wanna eat.

It's true.

I can make you some, like, chicken and waffles

when we get home.

Would you like that?

Chicken and waffles? No?

What would you like?

Small children?

Um, that might be an, wouldn't that be an issue, Doctor?

That would be an issue.

You know, teenagers, they're always a problem.

Maybe we could find some teenagers?

All right, well, I think

that's about all the time we have for this session.

I'm glad to see y'all are tryin' to work it out,

and it seems like in the long run, this marriage will work.

Oh, I'm so happy, honey.

Do you think you could make it work out

with your significant other if they turned into a dragon?

I don't know about that.

Well, I'm Jenni Di Fatta, and that's it for "Wrong Places."

See you next time.