Original subtitles

[orchestral music]

[background noise]

Hey, I've got a great idea.

Not now.

Venus, you have all eternity to do that in.

Right now,

the king of the gods, Jupiter, Storm Bringer,

[thunder rumbling]

God of Lightning has a pronouncement to make.

Not again.

Well, I guess it's better than a phone call.

A what?

A phone call.

It's a new device the mortals have invented.

Must have been while I was asleep.

What does a phone do?

It interrupts people when they're doing something important,

just like you.

But I have a pronouncement to make.

I think we should have an orgy now that I've slept the last one off.

Gee, it's cloudy today.

Can you supply the goodies?

Sorry, Juno, I haven't got a thing.

What?

I thought were the only ones who were suffering.

Venus, you're out of goodies?

I don't believe it.

But not everything.

I meant why.

Don't worry, we'll supply stuff.

Oh, we will?

Well, if great Jupiter, storm bringer [thunder rumbling]

says there are goodies for the orgy, then there must be goodies for the orgy.

Why don't you try calling the sun?

[laughter]

I must have done something wrong.

What kind of worshippers are we getting these days?

Well?

We aren't.

Aren't what?

Aren't getting any worshippers.

What was that, exactly?

Ha!

Three flea-bitten old shepherds in the boondocks of Rome.

Well, it's very fine if you don't mind banqueting on mangy goat.

-What about those--?

-Oh, him? The nut who calls from Hollywood?

That makes it a grand total of 24 worshippers all together,

and that's very fine if you don't mind wearing old bedsheets.

These are very nice.

Certainly better than the old togas.

But nothing compared to what we should be getting.

Look for yourself.

Minerva's muff.

What in my name is that?

That's New York.

Take a closer look.

Look at that, Venus.

How can you say you have no worshippers?

But I'm just the goddess of love and beauty,

I don't handle sex, that's your department. At least according to legend.

Every word is true.

Ha.

Well, of course it is.

Even all those stories about your pregnancy.

You mean Minerva?

She sprang full-grown from my head.

I believe she sprang full-grown from giving you head.

[laughter]

I'll have to do something about this situation.

For instance?

I'll do what I usually do.

But going soft isn't going to help.

Okay, okay, I wish you luck.

We'll cheer you on.

Gee, thanks.

There's a likely looking candidate.

I'll supply a little golden rain.

[soft music]

You're too late man, you missed all the action.

No, I didn't.

What do you mean by that?

Who do you think supplied the golden rain?

Golden rain?

You must be the guy Sally got the acid from.

What?

Purple sunshine, golden rain,

boy they sure got some far out names for dope these days.

You got any more acid?

Acid?

Yes. I mean the golden rain was okay, but the last time I tripped,

you made it with five furry blue men with tails.

Now that was dynamite.

Five furry men?

Blue men.

Blue's my favorite color.

What are you made of, then?

I am Jupiter Storm Bringer,

the God of Lightning. [thunder rumbling]

Fall at my feet and worship, mortal.

Far fucking out. I'm not into that, though.

I tried S&M last year.

I'm Caroline.

Great use for old bedsheets, though.

-Hey, 1 get it, it's an ecology -- -It's a sex cult.

No shit, you've got to meet my roommate,

she likes them big like you.

Always said she'd fuck a bull if she could.

A bull?

I'd be delighted to meet your roommate.

Great, I'll call her.

-Angelica! Hey, Angelica? -You're leaving?

Yes, I've got to get to work.

I'm still up to it when I get back. I'd like to give you a try.

Hey, Angelica, you got to meet Jupiter here.

Listen, I gotta split, have fun you two.

Jupiter?

Storm Bringer, the God of Lightning.

Yeah, yeah, I know about that from high school.

-What's the story, Jupiter? -That you wanted a bull?

I can get you a bull and maybe a nice air conditioner to keep cool.

That's the story?

Try me.

Not bad. Not bad at all.

What is that?

Underwear. Don't you like it?

Sure.

What do you do with it?

I'm not supposed to do anything with it.

You're supposed to remove it slowly.

[laughs]

I kKnew there was something I should have warned him about.

Warned him? You should have made him practice.

You're right. I should have made him practice.

Hi, sweetie.

Oh, hi, Bacchus.

Where have you been in the last 1,000 years?

I was out bowling with the boys.

What's all the excitement?

Look, Jupiter's down there trying to line us up some worshippers.

How droll.

He's going to be a terrible flop that way.

Oh, come on. Don't be malicious, sweeties.

Give the poor man a hand.

I suppose we're going to have to.

You're right.

[triumphant horn music]

Hey, you weren't kidding.

What's your phone number?

Phone number?

So I could call you again.

Oh, all you have to do IS make a sacrifice.

A lamb, a calf.

Some wine.

Sure, okay.

Anything you say. But just so I know where to send it,

what's your phone number?

Four.

Four?

Yeah, four.

Call me anytime.

Yeah, right.

That's some nut cult.

Bacchus, old man, guess where l've been.

Down among the mortals, hunny-buns,

giving some sweet thing a lot of bull.

[laughter]

Go, knock your heads off,

but when I am the only one who can supply goodies for the orgy,

you'll be sorry.

Oh, my dear fellow, are we having an orgy?

I'd be delighted to provide the refreshments.

Oh, well, I thought the great boycott left you high and dry.

My dear lady, I am not only the God of Wine.

I am also the God of Drunkards, great boycott or no great boycott.

The mortals are still swilling down the booze in my honor.

See this?

Orange ribbon chocolates.

You'll get tired of wine as a steady diet.

Well, I don't.

I'll provide,

I'll teach these new mortals the old rituals,

how to throw the first cut of meat into the fire for us.

On an electric stove?

Surely, you jest.

At least I found this one new worshipper.

You did, huh?

You better look again.

You're home early.

Yeah, George caught me giving Harry head in the cloak room.

-You got fired. -Right on.

Where's old Jupiter Storm Bringer?

You didn't use him all off, did you?

Nah, he vanished.

Was he any good?

Oh, wow. Super.

Good. Let's call him up.

Get him back here. What's his phone number?

Four.

Four?

Yeah, four.

What a shame.

Yeah. Such a great fuck, but a real kook.

Oh, well.

Can't have everything.

Sure wish I could get back those five furry, little blue men.

Furry blue men with tails.

Where did I go wrong?

Maybe I should have turned myself into a swan, like I did with Lida.

That's right.

You definitely should have given her the bird.

Mortals just simply don't believe in gifts from the gods anymore.

Maybe you ought to try something a little more homey.

Homey?

I could find a woman who's absolutely faithful to her husband

and pretend I'm her husband,

and give her a really good time for a change.

Oh, that's old hat, too.

You did that with --

What's her name, just ages ago.

Yes, but it's still good schtick.

Go ahead, give it a try.

We'll be watching.

I guess I'm old fashioned.

I just can't play around with anybody who isn't my husband.

No, it's not that Steve's all that great in bed.

It's just me.

Yes, of course I'm horny.

Susan, honey, I've got to hang up.

Steve just walked in. Right, bye.

Steve, I thought you'd be gone for another two weeks.

I just couldn't wait to see you, honey.

By Jupiter,

I'm going to take off your clothes

and lay you right down here on the floor.

-Oh, yes. -Thank God you don't wear any underwear.

[harpsichord music]

Oh, this is going to be good.

[laughs]

What?

Her husband's coming home and Jupiter's too busy to notice.

Oh, we've got to warn him.

Oh, let's not.

You forget, sir, I am the Goddess of Marriage.

Oh, spoil sport.

God damn [indistinct] good at everything.

[phone rings]

Why Mrs. Burns, what's that?

[laughs] It's probably a wrong number.

Yes.

Yes, he's here.

Just a moment.

It's your secretary.

Hello?

Yes.

Good grief.

Right away.

What is it?

I have to go, I have to catch the five o'clock plane.

Bye.

Well, we both had fun, but I don't think she's going to be a worshiper.

She'll never know who I was.

Well, still, it was worth it.

Watching the aftermath IS going to be so amusing.

Hi, honey. I just couldn't wait to see you.

-Apricot brandy? -Oh, yes.

Well, you girls enjoy the soap opera.

We've got to make some serious plans.

I don't know what to do.

Nothing seems to work.

I think I'm getting old.

Nonsense, gods don't get old.

Why don't you talk to Mercury?

Maybe he'd have some good suggestions.

Mercury.

-Hi, old man. -Don't call me that.

-We've got a problem. -Yes, I know.

I've been watching.

I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.

All this stuff used to work fine.

Maybe that's the problem.

All that bull and bird and husband-imitating jazz was fine

for ancient Rome,

but nowadays, mortals are more sophisticated.

You need some really Saco Bafo new material to punch up the old act.

I thought you were the God of Elements, what's with the Saco Bafo jazz?

I'm also the God of Thieves.

Hollywood is under my jurisdiction.

Perhaps you'd like political jargon. You need to reshape your image.

-Be more sincere. -Be honest.

-Be yourself. -Be serious.

Oh, be quiet.

All I know is that if something doesn't start happening soon,

this is going to be the driest orgy we've ever had.

Well, I'm thinking.

Well, I am going to try again while you're thinking.

All right, honey.

You're kind of cute.

Oh goody, a double feature.

You're not so bad yourself.

I'm Sally. You one of Caroline's friends?

I'm Jupiter Storm Bringer, God of Lightning.

I heard about you.

Hey, strike me right here, man.

Well, come on, baby, light my fire.

[thunder rumbling]

Oh, no, sweetie.

-She's supposed to follow your ashes. -Shut up.

He's always going off half assed.

No darling, half cocked. [laughs]

Creamy cocoa?

Onl

A toast.

To old thunder balls.

Oh.

Just kidding.

You really think this will work?

Well, sure. Why not, Jup?

What have you got to lose?

I don't know. I've never done anything like this before.

Try it, you'll like it.

Besides, I don't mind as long as you imitate me.

Well, here goes.

Just a minute.

Are you Nancy?

Oh.

Hi, I'm Sharon.

Your sister said maybe I could crash with you guys while I was in town.

Well...we'd be delighted to have you stay with us.

Make yourself at home.

Oh, gee, thanks.

Hi, I'm Greta. Nancy's roommate.

Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?

Well, there's not much to tell.

We'd love to hear it, please.

Do take off some of those clothes.

You do look awfully warm.

This seduction of the innocent.

By Jupiter. [phone rings]

Oh, it's the goddamn phone. I forgot to disappear it.

[phone rings]

Can somebody get that? I'm busy.

He's busy.

Mount of Venus.

All sacrifices and libations cheerfully accepted.

No, I'm sorry, Jupiter Storm Bringer isn't here right now.

May I help you?

It's Angelica and Caroline.

How'd they get us?

They called Jupiter's number.

Four?

Man, they are really stoned.

Well, ask them to the orgy.

Gee, no, I'm sorry. I really can't do a buill.

Oh, but I've got feathers on my heels.

Will that do?

No, I'm sorry, they're not blue.

Hey, look, Jupiter's giving a party.

You want to come?

Great.

I'll send somebody for you around 8:00.

Yes, ciao.

They're not only stoned, they're ripped.

Well, back to the business at hand.

Where were we?

That's it.

Don't be shy.

It's just us girls here, and you'll feel so much more comfortable.

Yes. It's not as if there were any men around or anything.

That's right, darling.

[laughs]

[soft, sultry music]

No, too advanced.

[soft, sultry music]

Here, darling.

Try this.

Oh, for me?

What is it?

Let me show you.

[soft, sultry music]

Oh, yes, I see.

[soft music]

Hey, this feels much better than usual.

You're pretty good with that thing, Sharon.

Oh, just naturally talented, I guess.

I guess so, but you're missing all the fun.

-I am? -Yes.

Let me try that for a minute.

Now this is what I had in mind.

Lean back.

Lay back.

Oh, no.

Oh.

Virgins.

They're all perverts down there.

Well, you could have at least tried it.

No way.

I'd rather drink that apple wine stuff.

Well, here.

I thought you were such a swinger.

You're right.

I should have used the dildo.

No.

No, I couldn'.

I'll have to try something completely new.

You could sell insurance.

Maybe.

Juno!

Oops.

See you at the orgy, Juno.

What?

I thought we had an open marriage.

Sorry.

It's too late now.

Well, what is it this time?

I've got a great idea.

Oh, yes?

Keeping an eye on the mortals isn't such a bad idea sometimes.

Certainly not dumb.

[laughter]

Ooh, lovely.

I wonder who just had decorated.

Probably not attending bar.

Not dumb, huh?

With a few possible exceptions.

Where's Jupiter?

Oh, he's out making one last run for provisions.

Well, I'll say this for him.

He certainly does know how to stock up for a party.

How'd he do it?

The last time I saw him, he was...well, you know --

Well, something came up.

I'll let him tell you about it when he gets here.

A weird party.

Did you see that guy, Mercury?

He really does have feathers on his heels.

They're not blue.

Let's face it, Caroline, you're ripped.

Let's face it, Angelica, we're both ripped.

Hey, it's old Storm Bringer.

What was that?

Haven't you noticed that before? It's his sound he sent.

Far fucking out.

Where have you been?

Selling insurance.

-Insurance against what? -Against being struck by lightning.

[laughs]

Sounds like a pretty narrow field.

Oh, almost everyone will buy it after a few near misses.

[laughs]

Sneaky, these Roman gods.

[laughs]

I have to admit, I was really hoping for an orgy.

Gods, goddesses, children,

let the orgy begin.

[jazzy music]

I thought we were supposed to have real grapes at an orgy.

We're boycotting them.

Besides, we've got the only thing you really need at an orgy.

What's that?

Nuts, sweetie.

[jaunty woodwind music]

You know, Juno,

mortals really haven't changed all that much.

Is that good or bad?

I don't know myself.

They do seem to have a lot of fun.

Do I detect a note of discontentment?

No, Juno, not at all.

I like to visit them once in a while,

but I always prefer the simple pleasures.

After all, there's no place like home.

[uptempo music]