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1 Beautiful radius of hollow.

Smooth finish.

Immaculate edges.

Perfect again.

I aim to please, Elvis Stojko.

I'm sorry about the wait.

I had to change out the grinding stone

for my number-one customer.

Always worth the wait, brother.

And, uh, take care of that left ankle.

So you noticed?

Pssht! The way that right blade was worn down,

how could I not?

Oh, damn, you're good, Deej.

That's why I always come to you whenever I'm in town.

Don't even need to skim this one with my nail.

Gertie and I appreciate the vote of confidence.

You wanna skim it with your nail, don't ya?

Oh, yeah, I have to!

Oh, flawless!

It's a me thing, not a you thing.

Please, those are your money-makers.

Say hello to Gladys for me.

We'll all go out for snow cones

and you can say hello to her yourself.

See ya later, Elvis Stojko.

Hello, friend!

Hey, friend... Do I know you?

My name is Fab de Luca, and I am your future.

Like, you're from the future?

Yes...

And in 30 seconds, I'm gonna tell you something

that's gonna blow your skates off.

Can you just tell me now?

Imagine a world where skates sharpen themselves,

where employees can focus on things

other than skate sharpening because the skates don't need

anyone to sharpen them because they sharpen themselves

without the need of hands-on skate sharpening

like skate sharpeners do.

In a world such as this...

Is it just me, or is this world hard to imagine?

No need to imagine.

You can see it with your very eyes!

What is it?

Introducing the Lazer Blade auto-sharpener.

Equipped with machine learning capabilities

and an embedded scanning system. This, my friends,

is the future of skate sharpening.

Oh... Can we keep that thing?

For a measly $10,000...

your staff will be unburdened from the shackles of sharpening

and be able to focus on what truly matters.

- Black lives? - Sales.

Ten grand?

Sweet Jezebel, that is a lot.

You think that's a lot of money?

I invested 100k of my own money into this company...

because that's how much I believe in the Lazer Blade!

Well, we're not really looking for a new machine.

Ol' Gertie here's doing just fine.

Well, she's actually due for another tune-up,

now that I think of it.

A tune-up won't fix what ails that decrepit beast!

Easy...

You, sir, how do you rate your customer satisfaction

with their skate sharpening experiences?

- A hundred... - 75%, and that's being generous.

- Mm-hm. - Does it do figure skates?

Figure skates, hockey skates, speed skates,

racing skates, pacific white skates...

Just kidding, that's a fish!

Clever wordplay aside,

the Lazer Blade does 'em all, and it does so with speed,

precision, and honour.

Why honour?

When you whet the blade with the exactness of a samurai,

you too would feel honour.

Ooh, "whet" with an h. I like that one.

The h stands for "honour."

And say goodbye to dressing wheels.

The Lazer Blade has no wheels.

What does the Lazer Blade have?

Lasers!

Oh-ho!

Oh my God. Please, no.

Whoa...

Behold.

Sharp enough for all your skating needs...

Oh...!

And then some!

Yeah, I mean, my face is not a cutting board,

but that is so cool!

Ol' Gertie never passed the salad test.

Well, we've never given her the salad test.

Also, the salad test isn't a real thing.

- What do you call that? - Yeah, it's right there.

Uh, this is magic, but it's still pretty expensive.

Tell you what. Cynthia, Wayne, Keeran, Jen, DJ...

Brother?

- Hey-ya! - Bring it in.

How about I let you test drive this modern marvel

for 24 hours?

You and your customers will find

that the Lazer Blade speaks for itself.

Works for me if it works for DJ.

Come on, please, please, please!

We can test drive it...

Alright!

Anybody got some Thousand Island dressing

for this?

Do I?

I can't believe he had Thousand Island dressing.

Well, the Lazer Blade isn't the only new toy in town.

I just set up a bidet in the bathroom.

Like the French hat?

That's a baguette.

A bidet is a hose that cleans your butt.

I have one at home.

I figured I would share with you the gift of hygiene.

Aww!

Well, this feels as good a time as any to remind you that

our bathroom is for employees only.

Technically, but we can't stop people from using it

if they ask.

Yes, we can.

But DJ always says equal access to the bathroom

is the bedrock of democracy.

Well, I'm tired of customers Jackson Pollock-ing

all over our toilet.

From now on, we enforce the rule... employees only!

What if a customer's desperate?

Well, then we make an exception, of course.

Can we all just agree to use our discretion?

How?

We make snap decisions based on physical appearance

and overall vibe to determine whether or not

people can use our bathroom.

That sounds like... discrimination.

No, no, no, she said "discretion."

Ohhh...

No, I'm out.

I'll do it.

Hmm!

Knew I could count on you.

- Hey. - Hey-hey-hey!

- Whoa, is that the Lazer Blade? - Yeah.

I saw a segment about it on Susan Weber's Tech Talk.

Is it legit?

Ah, well, apparently, it's faster, easier,

and it'll cut your blade sharper than a katana.

But between you and me, I don't buy the hype.

Let's give 'er a whirl.

Okay...

Uh, standard...

hockey...

start.

Easy to use.

- Cool. - Yeah, yeah...

Very cool.

- Ooh! - Lasers. A bit showy.

I like it!

- That was fast! - Yeah.

And they're warmed up and...

...deodorized, too?

Deodorized? I didn't know it could do that!

That must be a software update or something.

Can I get a whiff?

Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ahh, springtime breeze in a rural area.

That's what that is.

This thing is gonna destroy me.

Hey, who installed the colonic irrigation system in the loo?

I did. Feel free to use it.

Mi bidet es su bidet.

- Eh, hard passé. - It's a game-changer, bro.

I have no proclivity for posterior extravagances.

Hmm, the bidet actually harkens back to simpler times.

Stop pressuring me to spray water up my anus!

How do you do?

Your loss.

Okay, don't touch anything, okay?

Okay.

Uh, sorry to bother you.

Uh, is there a bathroom I could use?

Yeah, of course, it's, uh...

out of order.

Okay, girls. We'll try next-door.

Sorry, man.

Another grinding wheel bites the dust?

Yep, another sacred ritual that's soon to disappear.

What does that mean?

Oh, we're just testing out a new laser-powered

auto-sharpening machine.

Yo, you better watch your back! Remember my buddy Jeffrey?

The cruise ship bartender?

Yeah, he was making 200 grand a year

until the future came for him.

200 grand... to bartend? On a cruise ship?

You're missing the point, Deej.

This guy's life was sweet as Grenadine

until he got replaced by one of those robot bartenders.

Went from trusted drink-mixer and confidante to obsolete.

- Whoa. How'd he take it? - No idea. He disappeared.

At sea?!

Cruise line said that he got off the ship

with some woman in Cozumel, but I know that robot

had something to do with it... 'cause he was gay.

- The robot? - No, Jeffrey.

What I'm trying to say is, for the sake of your entire team,

I'd be wary of technology that replaces human labour.

That's totally different. We're just testing out the Lazer Blade.

No one's getting replaced.

- You sure about that? - Yeah.

Community is a huge part of our appeal.

Believe me, Josh, no robot's gonna get in the way of that.

Gay or straight.

Uh...

Ah, I see you are trying out our interim addition.

Um, can I assist you with the controls at all?

Oh, I think I can handle it. I've got a Keurig at home, so...

Well, it's a little more complicated

than a coffee machine, so...

Sorry, what's up?

Oh, nothing, I was just saying that...

All done?

Oh. Well, let me know if I can do anything else for you.

Anything! Questions, concerns, general musings?

Actually, I could use a hand.

Absolutely! How can I help?

Can you get a pic of me and the machine?

Yeah...

Yeah, okay.

Perfect.

- Oh, thank you. - Thank you.

Can you get a picture of me?

Yes.

You want me to use... my phone?

Yes, please.

Huh, that's great!

Alright, Cynth...

Lesson learned. You were right.

Never underestimate the budget boss.

Oh, what are we talking about?

The Lazer Blade. Way too expensive.

Highway robbery, in fact. Yeah, we should send it back.

- Shall I call Fab or do you...? - This is awkward,

because I love it now!

- What? - Yes!

It is creating a real buzz, while also creating less buzz

because it's so quiet.

I thought we all agreed that Gertie's noises

were part of her charm.

Like Fran Drescher.

Oh, no, sharpening sales are already up.

Between that, the fact that we're gonna be able to operate

this store with fewer staff,

and the money that we are gonna save on granite wheels,

I predict a 15% increase in our gross profit margins!

Well, I mean, it's so easy to get caught up

in arbitrary things like numbers and data.

What about feeling, you know?

I mean, what next, self-checkout?

Oh, that's not a bad idea.

Fab was right, DJ.

The past is dead.

Which is why I've already listed the old machine on Craigslist.

What? No, no, no, no, no! We gotta keep Gertie!

She's dead weight.

Shh!

She's right there!

There he is.

Hey, Keeran.

Oh, Emma, Oliver!

I didn't know you two were dating.

We just started.

- Think we can use the bathroom? - Oh, uh, the both of you?

Hey, hey, be cool, man.

Uh, sorry.

Employees only.

Ugh.

Thanks.

But what were you two gonna do in that bathroom, anyway?

Like, specifically?

Perhaps you wanna vent about your kids?

Your spouse? Your boss?

My boss's idealism is misguided and off-putting.

Thanks, Wayne.

Ma'am, how about you?

- How can I... - No. No thank you.

I'm just saying, Gertie and I got what you need.

I'll scream.

Hm...

Oh, Goddamn it.

No, I can't do it.

Even the foreword is transfixing.

Oh!

♪ Oh, what a feeling ♪

♪ What a rush ♪

Please, sir. Kindly allow me.

Here you are.

I don't mind at all, no. That's my personal number, okay?

So you can reach me 24/7, any follow-up questions, okay?

Alright.

Take care, Kenneth!

Thank you!

Okay... Yes!

Who's a little baby?

Who's a baby? You are! You are!

That's right.

And the wind-up, this way, and the follow-through...

Wow! Doubles, anyone?

Yes!

Would you be a doll and tell me where I can get a yoga mat?

Would you be a doll and tell me where you got those glasses?

That tortoise shell pattern is exquisite.

Oh!

You tried it, didn't you?

Uh, they're just right over there.

Ah.

- What? - The bidet.

I see the pep in that step.

The strut in that butt.

The pizzazz in dat ass...

Alright! Guilty as charged.

I'm a changed man.

Colours are brighter, flavours tastier, sounds more beautiful.

By the way, you smell resplendent.

Ooh, thank you.

What pressure did you set it to?

Oh, I started at 1, then I cranked it to 3.

Oh, yeah! That's a smooth finish.

- Oh, yeah. - The way it just...

- Mm-hm. - Word to the wise.

It's great in moderation, but for the love of God,

respect its power and never, ever dial above a 5.

Okay.

Really appreciate you doing this for me, man.

Any time, DJ. You know you're my guy.

You have no idea how much that means to me right now.

You ready?

Ready.

I'll never forget this.

Oh, wow!

Three-time world champion

and two-time Olympic silver medallist Elvis Stojko!

What brings you back so soon?

You know I never step on the ice before coming here first.

Not only do you always ask about my wife,

a personal touch I value immensely...

Aw...

But you never forget I like a 3/8ths hollow

on my right skate, and a 7/16ths on my left.

No one delivers the care and expertise

you bring to the craft.

It's my pleasure, Elvis Stojko.

Why? Because I love what I do.

Because sharpening skates is more than simply

passing a blade across a spinning stone

or through a series of high-tech, super-cool lasers!

It's visceral.

It's soulful.

It's like making love.

And when it's done right, the alchemy is undeniable.

When Elvis Stojko is leaning right

because he's injured his left foot,

I know intuitively to adjust the bevel,

giving him a personalized sharpening

that he'll feel not only on the ice,

but off the ice, too.

Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you, can the Lazer Blade do that?

I... think it just did.

This is flawless.

I don't even need to skim this with my nail.

Well... hold on.

What about the personal touch?

You take care, Elvis Stojko.

And say hi to your wife,

Mexican figure skater, Gladys Orozco,

who you married on June 20, 2010,

in Las Vegas, Nevada, in front of 500 people.

500?

You said it was an intimate affair!

Don't pay any attention to them, Gertrude.

- They just don't know you like I do. - Great news, DJ!

Somebody's already responded to that Craigslist ad.

There it is, all 300 pounds of it.

Yeah, that'll do.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, this all feels really fast.

I mean, we can't just give her away, she's family!

Think of what we can do with all the extra space.

I'm thinking a golf simulator for trying out clubs.

That does sound pretty cool. No!

That machine is a dodo bird, DJ.

Yessiree, this piece of shit ain't budgin'.

Easy! And can you please stop kicking her?

I'll have to bring my truck to haul this

useless pile of turds away.

Useless? What are you gonna do with her?

Smash it to smithereens.

I run a rage room by the dump.

A rage room?

Gertie, no...

Could I book my church group?

- Yeah! - How does that work?

I love you.

Respect its power...

Never, ever go above a 5...

Pizzazz in dat ass...

One splash couldn't hurt.

Aah!

Oh, we got a golfer? Fantastic!

Yeah, I'll set you up! Oh, yeah, three-wood.

My nickname in college. I'm kidding, I'm kidding!

You're gonna need a driver, for sure.

Call that an Uber driver. Top of the line.

Putter? I don't even know 'er!

You're gonna need a shirt. Kiddo's gonna need a golf shift.

This is a golf shift. I'll give you this.

Yeah, that's a great idea!

Salesman of the year! Gives the shirt off his back!

Where'd you go, kiddo?

I'll leave it here in the pile if you need it.

I told you... never go above a 5!

Whatever are you talking about?

Come on, man. You've been to the bathroom eight times today.

What, are you tracking my defecation patterns now?

What is this?

- I'm just worried, friend. - Colleague. Okay?

Stay out of my business when I'm doin' my business.

You keep this up,

I'ma have to take apart the bidet, bro.

You touch that bidet and I'll punch a hole

directly through your face! You understand?

My God, it's worse than I thought.

Excuse me, would it be possible to use the bathroom?

- Sorry, out of order. - Oh, shoot.

Oh, you're pregnant.

- How far along are you? - Six months.

You could be due any minute! This could get messy!

No, I have another three months.

Oh, you're right. Baboons are six months.

I keep getting humans and baboons confused.

What?

Actually, the bathrooms are fixed.

Second door on your right.

Oh, thanks, babe.

I'm about to go pop out my own baboon,

- if you know what I mean. - Wait!

No can do! Spicy goin' in, spicy goin' out!

- No... - Hey, what's the Wi-Fi?

$10,000 is a lot of money.

- But I'm sold. - Mm-hm!

Here's to a lifetime of perfect sharpening.

Breaking news! "Lazer Blade, a modern day death trap?"

Machine learning malfunction, overzealous sharpening,

AI not good... What?!

This must be a misunderstanding.

No, no, no!

This might be the last interaction you and I have

before machines take over trade-ins, too.

Ooh, I gotta sharpen these bad boys.

Searching... Searching...

Dull edge detected.

What the hell?

DJ, we just got a weird news alert about the Lazer Blade.

I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding.

I'll call the head office and get it replaced.

Augh!

Recalibrating.

Oh! Oww!

What the hell?! It just attacked me! Aah!

Sweet Roko's Basilisk, it hurts so bad!

- Oh my Goodness! - Argh!

You stupid, over-hyped appliance!

I have brought great dishonour upon myself.

Prepare auto-destruct mode in 5, 4...

Auto-destruct?!

- Auto-destruct? What? - 3, 2...

Sorry, that's out of warranty!

1...

What's this thing...? Augh!

Every time!

Fire!

DJ, get the fire extinguisher!

Where is it?!

Stop, drop, and roll! Stop, drop, and roll!

Stop, drop, and roll!

Oh-oh-oh God, no-not bidet wa-water.

Oh, I think I broke your bidet.

Noooooo!

That was definitely a level 10 reaction, alright.

Don't worry.

It's okay!

Let it go!

It had so much promise.

Well, you know what they say about promise.

Uh, nope.

Brought my truck to pick up that hunk of shit.

Hey, that hunk of shit has a name.

It's Gertie.

And she's no longer for sale, sir.

What?

You're welcome to that hunk of shit, though.

- Free of charge. - Yeah... that'll do.

Great.

I deserve this.

Finish what I couldn't... what I could-could-couldn't...

You coming?

Uh, no. Go ahead.

I'm gonna hang back.

Got a few things to take care of.

It's about to get weird in here, isn't it?

Yes.

I'll leave you to it.

- Oh, would you...? - Ah-ah!

Good to have you back, old girl.

♪ Wait for me... ♪

♪ Whoa, my love ♪

♪ My darling ♪

♪ I've hungered, hungered for your touch ♪

♪ A long, lonely time ♪

♪ I need your love ♪

♪ I, I need your love ♪

♪ Godspeed your love...

♪ ...to me ♪

- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.MY-SUBS.com