Original subtitles

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Hey, there he is!

Got some big news for you, buddy.

I'm getting a promotion?!

Ha! No, no.

Absolutely not.

But you are getting more responsibility.

Awesome!

It's time for you to take the training wheels off.

We're gonna let you start handling trade-ins

- like a big boy. - Really?

Determining the value of the equipment we take in

is a sacred duty.

Used sports goods are the lifeblood of this store.

Oh-ho, sounds like someone's been studying

the employee handbook,

which only reinforces my belief that you're ready.

Now, I know you know this is a huge responsibility.

Make sure you have some fun with it too, okay?

You never forget your first trade-in...

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

That was amazing.

Tell it again.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

That was even better the second time.

Hey, I, uh, I'm looking to trade in some stuff.

You got this, champ.

Just make sure everything's in working order

and pay him what you think it's worth.

Okay, okay.

Wait, you're leaving?!

This is something you must face alone.

Okay.

Also, I got killer gas and you know we don't fart on the floor.

This is all garbage!

He bought torn badminton birdies,

these skates from the mesozoic era, and... eww!

A used mouthguard!

Who is gonna buy a used mouthguard?

Don't worry, they still work!

Ugh, spit that out! Spit it!

I hate to interrupt you mid-admonishment, Cynth,

but look at this signature. What does that say?

- Rocket... Richard...? - Rocket Richard!

- Maurice "the Rocket" Richard? - Who is that?

He's a Montreal Habs legend!

He's the Babe Ruth of hockey!

Some might even say Babe Ruth

is the Rocket Richard of baseball.

Really?

I've never heard anyone say that, but someone might.

Do you think that this is the genuine article?

- Guess we'll never know. - We could call an appraiser!

I guess we'll know soon enough.

Hey, Jen.

Snack time!

For the love of...

What in God's good grace is this?

You ever heard of Christine Lavigne?

Is... is this her?

What? No!

She's the world's greatest javelin thrower

and she eats nothing but raw spleen

to get her body into shape.

Ugh! Seems... unappetizing.

I'll tell you what's unappetizing,

failing Olympic qualifications by 1.3 centimetres.

Aw, Jen! You didn't qualify?

Nope!

Placed 33rd worldwide and 32 get in.

Ooh, tough break.

So... you're saying that you're gonna eat

nothing but raw spleen for four years?

Is your coach suggesting this?

No, he's fiercely opposed to it.

Yet you still think it's wise.

I don't know, Cynthia, why don't you ask

Christine "the Spleen Queen" Lavigne?

Come on, you think spleen did that?

Oh, I mean, she trains, too,

but spleen is definitely the X factor.

I am gonna pray for you.

Oh. Okay.

Nice setup, bro!

Never occurred to me to bring lawn chairs out here.

Yeah, well, it never occurred to the Egyptians

to build the pyramids until it did.

Huh. I never thought of it like that.

Need a light?

- I don't smoke. - Oh.

Okay.

You see, smokers on average take 38% more breaks

than non-smokers, without repercussions.

Wow, you really know how to make the most out of a break.

That's just the tip of the iceberg, my friend.

When it comes to taking breaks,

it's all about quality and quantity.

Teach me?

You know, I usually break alone.

But what would be an ascended master...

...without his disciple?

Oh!

Hmm!

I can get used to this.

You will.

Alright, Hauser, you got this.

Just like steak tartare...

without the seasoning to make it palatable.

Hmm...

Oof... so gruesome.

Mmm...

Mm-hm!

This is how champions are born!

Mmm!

Smells like 1954!

No...

It's '55.

The signature's just inside there.

Oh, yeah.

We've got Radcliffe, Redman, Romijn,

Romijn-Stamos... That's too far.

Ah, yes, Rocket Richard.

Okay, so...

- See the curve on the R there? - Mm-hm.

Okay, see the pressure on the tail of the D?

- Yeah. - That is his authentic signature.

Oh!

Mm-hm.

These skates are worth approximately $50,000!

What?!

$50,000? Are you kidding?

No, sir, and that is a conservative estimate.

It is my professional opinion that these are the exact skates

the Rocket wore the night he punched a linesman,

and as a result was suspended for the rest of the season

and playoffs, causing the famed Richard riot.

Oh! Simpler times.

DJ!

Oh, imagine what we could do with $50,000!

That money's not ours.

We gotta find the guy who brought these skates in.

Ugh, I knew you would say that.

Hmm.

Oh, there is no record of the transaction in the system.

Keeran, did you even punch this in?

I thought I did. Maybe I didn't.

I don't... I don't know! It was my first trade-in.

You know, if we had security cameras,

we at least could have taken a good look at the guy.

You know how I feel about security cameras, Cynthia.

- They breed distrust in... - Distrust in the community, I got it.

Listen, there is no way we're gonna find

the rightful owner of these skates.

So... maybe we should just keep 'em for ourselves.

Have I ever told you about the time

I almost lost my faith in humanity?

I was on a plane flying from Binghamton to Bakersfield.

Cool!

I wanted to sleep, so I took my hearing aids out,

which renders me dead to the world.

It requires a tremendous amount of trust

in my fellow passengers.

But when I awoke, that trust had been shattered...

my cellphone and blueberry muffin were gone.

What year was this?

Uh, 2019.

A $7 muffin.

Oh my God!

I stood up; I asked my fellow passengers

if anyone had seen anything.

I pleaded, but no one so much as looked me in the eye.

In fact, someone outright told me to shut the fuck up.

- Whoa. - Ugh!

I thought I'd never trust again.

But when I got off the plane,

there was an elderly woman on the jetway

with my muffin in her hand,

waiting to return it to me.

I've never eaten a muffin that tasted so good.

So the old lady stole your muffin?

You're missing the point, Cynth, which is she returned it.

And from that day forward, I vowed to live my life

with the same integrity as that sweet old lady on the jetway.

Which is why we have to track down

the rightful owner of these skates.

Your sense of justice is refreshing in this day and age.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

- Let me get the door. - This one?

Tempered glass, anodized frame; I peg it at $2,500.

Okay, he might have had hair,

but definitely presented as bald.

He had a moustache, maybe a goatee...

No, it was a fu manchu.

Uh... he had big teeth.

He was missing a few,

but he still came off as toothy, you know?

- Mm-hm. - Why is his description so hazy?

It was his first trade-in. He was jacked up on adrenaline.

We are never gonna find this guy, DJ.

Why don't we just keep the skates?

No, no, the rightful owner is out there somewhere

and this sketch is gonna help us find him.

That's the guy! That is the guy!

That's Howie Mandel.

I thought you were a sketch artist.

No, ma'am, I'm a caricaturist.

- Ahh! - Ohh!

Well, we obviously can't use this, but...

Do me?

Hey, what you making, beet smoothie?

Close! Spleen smoothie!

Are you gonna cut it with mango or something?

Does the reigning champ cut it with mango or something?

No, she does not.

Are you saying that if I drank spleen,

I could look like this?

Christine says getting into peak physical shape

is 50% training, 50% diet.

So... I could get halfway to this?

- 100%. - Holy shit.

Even Shane Corkery's biceps aren't that big...

and he's the captain of the wrestling team!

I wouldn't be girlfriendless if I had a body like that...

Keeran, welcome to the mean spleen dream team.

Mmm.

Mmm!

Mm-mm!

Please, please, have a seat here, have a seat.

Hey, Samuel. Thanks so much for having me on.

Please, uh, Samuel was my father's name.

Call me, uh, Silky Samuel.

Silky Samuel, anyone ever tell you

that your off-air persona is nothing like your on-air?

So good to be with you here

on Silky Samuel in the late afternoon.

We've got a sultry guest with us here today:

DJ, the steamy manager of One More Time sports.

Now, I understand that you're looking for a special man.

I sure am.

He's about 5'9 " to 6'3", bald but confident with it, uh,

and facial hair, quite possibly even a soul patch.

Ooh, a soul patch!

Sounds stimulating.

And, uh, what is it that you want to say to this man?

You came by One More Time sports this morning

and you traded in your old hockey skates.

Those skates are worth a lot of money.

I'm talking $50,000.

So, come by One More Time

and claim what's rightfully yours.

Whoa-ho-ho, 50 k!

That's right, you shmexy snacks, you heard it here first.

There's gotta be someone in this town that fits that description.

Does that look like the guy?

- Yeah. - What about him?

- Oh, yeah. - And him?

Without a doubt.

Yeah, this isn't working.

I got it! Let's make them try it on,

Cinderella-style!

Juice me.

Man, you know, I didn't think we'd

break better than yesterday,

but you've really opened my eyes.

I'm not teaching you how to open your eyes, kiddo.

I'm teaching you how to close 'em.

Whoa, so wise.

Hey, what is goin' on down here?

You guys breakin'?

Bet your sweet ass we are.

- Can I join? - Absolutely not.

Come on, man! You have so much to offer.

Well, I suppose the sun cannot withhold its light

from those upon whom it shines.

So is that a yes, or...?

Yeah, yeah, he's saying you can join.

Yo, Joe! Check out how these guys are breakin'!

I hope you know what you're doing.

Who the hell is Joe?

Hey, Jen.

Look at this.

Any closer to Baywatch Zac Efron?

He's on my swole vision board.

Who else is on your board?

Okay, I just have a poster of Zac Efron.

Ah, give it time, sport!

This is a marathon, not a sprint.

Hah!

Honestly, I don't know how much more time I can give it.

I'm not feeling too hot.

Really? I'm feeling tip-top.

My pee is brown.

That's just your gut's biome acclimating to the nutrients.

Organ meat, eh!

Uh, actually, you're kind of a weird colour.

Like, I wanna say greyish.

Greyish? No!

I can literally feel the spleen powering me up from the inside.

I'm stronger, faster, faster than a javelin.

I am the javelin and no one will bring me dow... own...

Jen?

Oh, your pee is brown, too!

Fits like a glove!

Also fits me like a glove!

As soon you two fellas finish,

it's gonna fit me like a glove, too.

Silky Samuel?

No!

DJ, what are we proving by having them try on the skates?

We don't even know if that guy ever wore the skates,

and even if he did, there's a lot of people

with size 10 feet.

My God, you're right.

Cinderella was full of plot holes!

Give me those.

My fellow Korvertonians,

these skates mean something to someone.

Search inside your hearts

and imagine someone claiming something precious of yours.

I implore you, speak truthfully:

Is anyone here the actual owner of these skates?

Shame on you!

Shame on all of you!

Look at yourselves.

Look... what... you've... be... come!

Oh, I should not have shaved my head.

Eh...

This is almost as bad as the muffin incident.

I hate to see you this stressed.

How about I hang onto these skates for a while?

Et tu, Cynthia?

I can't trust anyone.

The skates stay with me.

Cynthia, Cynthia!

Okay, Jen blacked out, but I put her head in ice.

What?

Hey, man, I've been waiting on a pomegranate-cherry

for five minutes!

I said it's coming right up.

Here!

Hey! Can you watch where you hacky, please?

I don't smoke!

Argh!

Josh!

Would you look at these clowns?

I never thought I'd say this,

but I need a break from the break.

What? No, no, we can't quit.

We worked too hard for this.

Hey, we don't use that word out here.

What, quit?

No, work.

Look, you're just bartending for free.

I'm sitting over there in a pool with precum.

It's over, Josh.

We broke too close to the sun.

- I'm sorry, man. - No, don't be.

I got no regrets.

It was good there for a minute, wasn't it?

Nah...

It was great.

You know what we gotta do, right?

Yeah.

Move it! Get outta here!

Hey, let's go back to work, huh?

Yeah.

And now I don't know who to trust.

What's so special about them?

Oh, they belonged to Maurice Richard.

Legendary NHLer.

Yeah, they're worth a lot of money.

You wanna give 'em a whiff? They smell like greatness!

Word to the wise, though:

Greatness smells a lot like athlete's foot.

Yeah, uh, tempting. Tempting...

but I can't smell anything with my anosmia.

- Your a-what-mia? - Anosmia.

Can't smell a damn thing.

- Anosmia, eh? - Mm-hm.

I can't believe I didn't know this about you.

It's not something I talk about very often.

It's one of the least respected disabilities on the planet,

in a tight race with ADD.

Waiter?

I gotta go.

Smell you later.

I hear what you did there!

Guess you never found the guy.

Hey, take a hike!

Nope, just a community of phonies and fraudsters.

You know, I meant what I said earlier.

It is refreshing to see someone care about their fellow man.

You would be surprised how much greed and deceit

- is in my line of work. - Never expected to find it in mine.

Great timepiece, BT-Dubs. What is that, 2004 Seiko?

That's like 300 bucks right there.

$40 at the thrift store.

But you have an uncanny gift.

You could make a killing on The Price is Right.

Legally, I'm not allowed on that show.

I'd love to appraise your bedroom.

Oh, it's really nothing impressive.

I've got a bed, a dresser, a gong...

That's not what I meant.

- Oh! - Yeah?

Yeah!

Let's do some appraising!

Wanna take this inside?

I'm just right there.

I can't.

I thought you wanted to...

appraise my bedroom?

Oh, I do, but I forgot that I have an audition

for the Antiques Roadshow in the morning.

I would not want my alarm to wake you.

Oh, I take my hearing aids out to sleep.

Unless your alarm is a jet engine, I'll be fine.

Oh, I wish I could!

I can't.

Rain check?

You got it.

Ooh, 2022 Honda Civic sports edition.

This could go anywhere from 31.5 to 36 k.

Individual temperature knobs? You're a fancy boy!

Damn, she's good.

We're gonna run some tests

to rule out any permanent organ damage.

In a hilariously ironic twist, your spleen will be fine.

Huh! That is hilarious.

Rest up.

There's some reading material on your side table.

Thank you, doctor.

Ooh...

Nothing but spleen?

My God.

Wait... Spleen Queen disqualified?

Pee screen unclean?

Lavigne seen fleeing from team?

If she's out, then...

Hello?

Mm-hm, this is she.

Yes. Yes, I understand.

Yes, thank you.

I'm in.

I'm going to the Olympics.

I'm going to the Olympics!

Hey, you're up!

Guess what?

A girl in the waiting room said I looked sick.

I think this stuff's working, you know?

No, don't!

I'm gonna be an Olympian.

I'm going to be...

a tiger!

Doctor!

Ow...

Ow!

Oof!

Gah! Hey.

Hey!

Alright, well...

Yoink!

Galvanized steel? That's a quality fire escape!

Nailed it.

Hey, Keeran!

- Yeah, boss? - Feeling better, champ?

Oh, much better since the stomach pump.

Oh, terrific.

- Uh, where are the skates? - Oh, great news.

- I found the guy. - Oh, you did?

- Yeah. - What did he look like?

Oh, just like you said: Bald, facial hair...

- Toothy, right? - So toothy, yeah!

Even with the missing teeth.

Hey, we never could have found the guy without your keen eye,

so you really came through for the store, champ.

Thanks, boss.

I saw you with the appraiser last night.

Did ya? Nice, nice woman. Talented.

Mind if I take a stab at what really happened?

Be my guest.

You took her home, bedded her, fell asleep,

and then she stole the skates and vanished into the night.

What?!

No...

I didn't bed her.

Hmph!

- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.MY-SUBS.com