Original subtitles

(dramatic music)

(crowd murmuring)

(cameras clicking)

- Ladies and gentlemen, welcome.

Welcome to the opening ceremony

of the Ellis Bell Satanic Experience.

(crowd murmuing)

Now, 120 years ago, to this very day,

a young man named Ellis Bell walked out of that house,

along that footpath, and into their summer house.

There, he wrote a book that would put

our much loved village of Upper Warden on the map.

The book was called, "The House of Satan".

Now, as we all know, a major movie.

(mystical music)

The part of Ellis Bell will be played

by the star of the movie and another of Upper Warden's

most famous sons, Larry Smith.

- Larry.

Larry.

It's 5 grand in cash for walking down a path

and into a summer house.

- I ain't wearing no bleeding rug.

- I've, put a little surprise in there for you.

- What?

- A tiny soupcon of your favourite Peruvian marching powder.

Hm?

So march your bleeding plates down that bleeding path.

Know what I mean, son?

(Larry sighs)

(crowd murmurs)

(dramatic trumpeting)

(crowd applauds)

(cheering)

(explosion booms)

(crowd screaming)

(glass shattering)

(suspenseful music)

- Stop, Troy, stop.

We go down the hill, Troy.

- I thought we were going to Upper Warden.

- Yeah, we are.

Upper Warden is down the hill, Lower Warden is up the hill.

- Well, that doesn't make any sense.

- Troy, this is Midsomer.

- Sorry, I forgot.

- A bomb?

- Semtex, or something of the sort.

I'm told you can buy it at car boot sales

if you know where to look.

- Triggered by what?

- Past experience, I'd say

some sort of remote control device.

- Where's our body?

- In a bag.

It was a big explosion, so he was somewhat dispersed.

- Troy says I should recognise the name.

- Larry Smith.

- Nah.

Larry Smith.

- Why are you putting on that absurd voice?

- Well, that's the way he used to talk.

He made his name in a TV series

about lovable East-end gangsters called Diamond Geezers.

- Was it famous?

- Never out of the tabloids.

Usual stuff, birds and booze.

You know.

- So what's a famous Diamond Geezer

doing in a stately home like this then?

- Apparently, he was the vicar's son.

(regal classical music)

- Here comes the bogeyman.

(phone ringing)

Mike, what's the story?

Oh.

- [Simon] So, what do we tell him?

- We maintain the family tradition.

- We tell him the truth.

- That isn't at all what I said.

- Detective Chief Inspector Barnaby.

Ah.

- Rupert Smythe-Webster.

- How do you do?

- Please, accept my deepest sympathy.

- Oh.

Noted and appreciated, Inspector.

We kept you a seat.

- Thank you.

- So, let me tell you who everybody is.

My younger brother, Simon, his wife, Laura.

Oh, and over there is my youngest brother,

who will join us when it suits him, I guess.

- Yes, yes.

- Me, darling.

- (scoffs) Forgive me, Inspector.

This is my third wife, Wendy.

- Fourth.

- Fourth.

- And Larry Smith was your son?

- Yes, he was my son.

- We brought him up as Lawrence Smythe-Webster.

Larry Smith was a creature he invented after he left.

- That is not entirely fair.

- Oh, this is my youngest brother, Francis,

Inspector, who answers to Frank.

We were telling Inspector Barnaby all about our nephew.

- He had lovely eyelashes.

- Do you all live in Upper Warden?

- You're looking at a

1,000-year-old family tradition, Barnaby.

The first born son stays at home.

We live in the east wing.

- The next son goes into the church

and becomes the vicar of Upper Warden.

- And the youngest goes off to the crusades.

But I decided to join the godless infidels

and became a movie producer.

- Oh, you produced "The House of Satan.

- Yes, the highest grossing UK-financed movie

in the last decade.

- Gross is an appropriate word.

- Well, we'll need a large room

where we can set up a temporary headquarters.

- Oh.

Absolutely, no problem.

Simon will lend you the church schoolroom.

(chuckling)

We need the school room

for the Sunday school anniversary concert rehearsals.

- It's God's will, Simon.

- No, it isn't.

It's your will.

- In Upper Warden, it's all the same thing.

(suspenseful music)

- Hi, Danny.

- Hiya, Phil.

Coffee?

- You bet.

- What you doing here?

The guttering on the summer house?

(chuckles)

- I made a start.

Then I had to check her ladyship's jacuzzi.

- Oh, you're not the first.

(laughs)

- Here's to poor Larry.

- Yeah.

Poor Larry.

- So.

You, got anymore coffee?

- Go on.

- See you down at the club later.

- Yeah.

Later.

- Apparently, it's all a pack of lies.

- Who says?

- The man I was standing next to the line of peasants.

Local chap, dressed as the village blacksmith.

He said Ellis Bell never went near the summer house.

He wrote the book in the neighbouring village

of Lower Warden.

My chap claimed the film was a travesty

and it was all Oliver Cromwell's fault.

- Would you know this fellow again?

- I doubt it.

He was covered in whiskers.

- Well, he was local, wasn't he?

He wasn't one of the Causton Am Dram lot?

- Definitely local.

We were only there to make up the numbers.

Day in the fresh air, buffet lunch.

Rather a good lunch, as a matter of fact.

Danny the chef's speciality, meatballs.

Sweet boy.

Apparently, he just lost his mother,

but he still insisted on turning up.

(suspenseful music)

- All on your own, sir?

- Ah, yes, Danny.

The family has deserted me.

- We're all very sorry

about what happened this afternoon, sir.

- Thank you, Danny.

Very kind.

And I do appreciate the fact

that you turned up at all today.

'Cause of my mom?

- Well, so soon after the funeral.

She brought Larry into the world, you know.

- Did the same for me, I suppose.

- I wonder if you realise

the full tragic irony of today's whole sordid business.

- Well, getting blown up's gotta be a bit tragic.

- The irony is that from the point of view

of the film and of this place,

Larry's death would be terribly good for business.

(suspenseful music)

(thoughtful music)

- [Maid] Morning.

- Morning.

- [Helen] Morning.

- I'd like to talk to Mr. Frank Smythe-Webster.

- He calls himself Frank Webster.

- Well, I want to talk to him under either of his names.

- He's working out in the Ellis Bell multi-gym.

Don't blame me.

It's a marketing concept.

- Thank you, Helen.

- Mike, don't panic.

Now, now, now, my friend, there is no problem.

I mean, wasn't it Gertrude Stein

who said a geezer is a geezer is a geezer?

Yes, well, I'll call you back.

Two minutes.

Inspector Barnaby, how can I help you?

- My first choice, who stood to gain by killing your nephew?

- Well, certainly not me.

You realise we start shooting "House of Satan 2" next month?

- No, no, I didn't realise that.

You're having to find another actor, eh?

- Yes.

And once agents realise the fine mess we're in,

the price goes through the roof.

I find that deeply offensive.

- Is that all it's about then, money?

- The bottom line.

Everything's about money.

What did you expect?

- Well, I probably expected

a little more grief from the bereaved.

With the possible exception of his mother.

You could put it down to the stiff upper lip

of the English ruling class.

But more likely, it's the fact that nobody liked him.

- Mr. Webster-- - Call me Frank.

- Frank.

I've been bullied by the media

into holding a press conference.

Would you mind taking part, please?

- My pleasure.

All publicity is good publicity.

(suspenseful music)

Yes.

Yes.

Yes, I'll come back to you.

Larry Smith was not only my nephew,

but a sweet guy and a very dear friend.

Destined, I believe, to become a major international star

in our next project together, "House of Satan 2".

We have no idea who has perpetrated this ghastly crime,

but we will give the police every assistance

in bringing the killer to justice.

- Thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Webster.

Right, I'll take questions now, please.

Yes?

- Murdoch, Corston Echo.

- Yes?

- Knowing of Larry Smith's history of substance abuse,

could his murder be drugs related?

- At present, nothing is ruled out.

- Jack Wilson, Upper Warden Church Newsletter.

I also keep the bookshop in the High Street.

With respect, our friend should go back home

to his own kind in Corston.

This is purely and simply a local initiative.

- Well, thank you, Mr. Wilson.

What's your question?

- No question.

I'm simply putting

the record straight. (phone ringing)

We're talking about Upper Warden and Lower Warden.

We've been murdering each other here

since the time of Cromwell.

We're not gonna change now.

March the 14th, 1643.

That's when it all began.

- Mr. Wilson, would you excuse me, please?

My sergeant needs to speak to me.

(tense tones)

What's the crisis?

- A fight broke out.

- Really?

Who's been fighting?

- Over there.

- What happened?

- I come here with my flowers for Larry.

And there she was with her flowers for Larry.

- Well, I think he would have been glad

to have flowers from you both.

When did you meet him?

- Last year, when he was here filming "The House of Satan".

- Which is when our relationship started.

- (laughs) She called it a relationship.

So I called her a lying cow,

and she hit me with her flowers.

- How can you draw blood with flowers?

- It was an arrangement, in a pot.

- I always think a nice arrangement

is more appropriate on these occasions.

- And I think it would be more appropriate

if you were both to go home and grow up, in either order.

Go.

- Seems to have put it about a bit

when he was here last year.

Jane.

Caroline.

Michelle.

Fiona.

There's one here from Darren.

- Darren?

Any idea who Darren might be?

- Apparently, he's the local video nerd.

He was covering the event.

And a bit of an obsessive, so worth checking out.

He sometimes helps at the local bookshop.

(suspenseful music)

(doorbell jingling)

Hello?

(machine whirring)

I'm looking for Mr. Wilson.

- Oh, he's not here.

- You must be Darren.

- That's very good.

- Lucky guess.

- Mr. Wilson's out delivering these.

- These?

- Well, he's not delivering these.

He's delivering the ones we've already done,

if you see what I mean.

- I see what you mean.

May I?

- Oh, yes.

It's free.

Mr. Wilson's brought out a special edition

because of the murder, and he's written an editorial

about how the police haven't a clue.

(chuckling)

Oh.

I see.

Shall I make us a cup of tea?

- Yeah.

Then you can tell me what the clue is

that the police don't have.

(wind howling)

- Here you are, Barnaby.

That's your basic satanic experience.

- What, a darkened room with some strange noises?

- It's an homage.

A key scene in the movie.

Our hero is locked in a darkened room by the bad guys,

and driven mad by a series of unexplained noises.

(recorded screaming on repeat)

Then of course, here covers his sanity

in order to kill off the bad guys.

- An homage?

- Well, according to our market research,

movie buffs love an homage.

Show 'em a, well, a plastic shark or the shower curtain

from "Psycho," and they wet themselves with glee

and reach for their wallets.

- Where exactly are we?

Immediately below the gymnasium?

- Well spotted.

- What about this state of war with Lower Warden.

- Mr. Wilson knows about that.

- And Oliver Cromwell?

- Mr. Wilson knows about that, too.

- Do you know about anything, Darren?

- I know a lot about classic movies,

and "The Prisoner" and "Doctor Who."

- You left some flowers at the murder scene.

- Well, yes.

- Did you have a relationship with Larry Smith?

- No.

I don't have relationships as a rule.

But I've got all 26 episodes of "Diamond Geezers" on video,

and "The House of Satan" and on video and DVD.

- Tell me how you met Larry Smith.

- It was last year when they were making the film.

I was chamber maiding at the big house he was staying at

with the film unit.

- And you fell in love?

- Oh, well, that would be pushing it a bit.

- But you had a relationship?

- Oh yeah, definitely a relationship.

- How long did it last?

- A couple of hours, maybe.

- Emily, my love, the memory can do funny things.

Now, is there any way I can persuade you

that it might have lasted a little longer than that?

Now,

tell me about your night of passion with Larry Smith.

- It was a Thursday afternoon--

- Emily.

What did I just say?

- I shall never forget the first time

he looked into my eyes.

- Would you like to be famous, Darren?

- Oh, I'd love to, but I can't see it happening.

Can you?

- Let's hope not.

If you'd murdered Larry Smith, you'd be famous.

- But only for 15 minutes.

Is it worth it?

- I believe you made a video of yesterday's events.

- Yes, all my videos

of everything that happens in the village.

Would you like it as evidence?

- Please.

- All right, remind me to bring it

from home next time I see ya.

- I'm reminding you now, Darren.

And you can sell me a copy

of "The House of Satan" before I leave.

- Right.

Which one do you want?

- Is there more than one?

- There's two.

There's the book of the film

and there's Ellis Bell's original version.

- Are they different?

- Yes.

The book of the film's got the haunted dungeon in it.

- Oh.

I better have one of each then.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

We only stock the book of the film.

You'll have to go to Lower Warden for the other one.

- Could Darren organise an explosion?

- I bet he can learn how to do it from the net

if you know where to surf.

I'm seeing him again this evening.

I'll ask him about it then.

- Why?

Why are you seeing him again?

- Oh, he's promised to do some research

on jealous husbands and jealous boyfriends.

And he's bringing his video in from home.

- Excellent.

- In the words of Alfred Hitchcock, act as a cattle.

Yeah, yeah, it's a bit rough on cattle, I know.

Just give the guy an evasive answer.

Tell him to go screw himself.

- Film producers do that for fun, do they?

- No, because it's good for them.

- Oh, I hate things that are good for me.

- So, what have we got?

I'll do this my way, father's way.

Short, sharp, shock.

- Look, we talked about it.

We agreed.

Remember?

- Hey.

You remember how we used to settle arguments

when we were kids?

- What?

You can't settle a thing like this with a toss of a coin.

- Want to bet?

- Heads.

(happy music)

- My way.

(chuckling)

(suspenseful music)

(twig snaps) (man exclaims)

This suit's gonna be ruined.

- Well, it's your fault.

You won the toss, remember?

Ah.

Well, we've done as we were told.

We've left the package on the tree stump,

and stayed well out of the way.

Let's see how good they are.

- I keep telling ya, bro.

It's amateur night in Dixie.

(motorcycle revving)

(gunfire pops)

(gunfire pops)

- Now what happens?

- We watch this space.

(regal music)

- Morning, Helen.

- Morning, Mr. Webster.

You're up early.

- Yes.

A quick workout, healthy breakfast,

then back to the big city to find a cheap and willing actor

who wants to be a star.

- He'll have to be brave as well, won't he?

- Stupid will do.

- Did you know this, Troy?

If a leading actor drops dead

just as he's about to make a film,

apparently there's always an insurance deal.

Sometimes amounting to millions of pounds.

- A lot of people are making money from the situation.

"My 24 hours of passion" by broken-hearted Emily Gaskell.

- Somebody's feeding the tabloids.

Bet it's that journalist from the Corston Echo.

- Was that there last night when you left?

- No, definitely not.

Lev?

Wasn't he a Russian goalie, Lev Yashin?

- It's a Biblical reference.

Leviticus from the Bible.

Every schoolboy's favourite dirty book.

I'm gonna talk to the Reverend Simon.

- Mr. Barnaby, good morning.

- Morning, sir.

I'm very sorry to disturb you,

but I was hoping for some help with a biblical reference.

- Leviticus Chapter 18, verse 16.

- Oh, you've seen it, have you?

I assume you didn't do it.

- I have many frailties, but I'm not vulgar.

The chapter deals with various prohibitions

in carnal matters and the people and in the later verses,

indeed, the animals that one is not permitted

to have sexual relations with according to God's law.

Here we are.

Verse 16.

(camera clicks)

Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy brother's wife.

I think the meaning is clear.

(camera clicks)

Please.

- Why would someone write that on the schoolroom wall,

knowing the police would see it?

- I imagine they're pointing the finger at our family.

Anyone in particular?

- I'll answer your questions truthfully and honestly,

Mr. Barnaby, but I don't deal in gossip and innuendo.

- Oh, I'm sure.

I'm sure you don't.

Can we consider, please, your eldest brother's wife,

Mrs. Wendy Smythe-Webster?

Is it possible that your brother Frank,

or even your late son, for example,

might have uncovered her nakedness,

and that brother Rupert took exception to it?

- Wendy may not be the brightest star in God's firmament,

but she's fundamentally harmless.

A flirt and, in the vernacular, a bimbo,

but not, I believe, an adulteress.

(bike whirring)

(groaning in pain)

(suspenseful music)

- Men over a certain age shouldn't take exercise.

Promise me you'll never go searching

for your lost youth, Tom.

It's lost because it's meant to be lost.

- You sure it's heart failure?

- Well, not until I've done a full examination, but--

- Why would a man who's never had a proper job in his life

have a workman's hands?

Or could that be a scorch mark?

- Let's have a look.

- These things usually connected to the main, sir?

- Yes, they're stuffed full of computerised instrumentation

so you can measure your progress.

- We'll check that bike.

See if the circuits are blown.

- He was making an early start back to London, he said.

- Did anyone else go into the gym?

- No.

No, he's the only who's ever used it so far.

Very healthy, he was.

- But you found the body?

- Yeah.

See, I assumed he'd, had his workout

and then go back to his room for breakfast,

'cause that's what he usually did.

But then I started getting phone calls for him.

And there was no answer from his room,

so I thought I'd better check.

And there he was.

I've never seen anyone dead before.

- You should go home.

- Somebody's coming in to relieve me.

- Good.

This Ellis Bell?

- Ellis Bell.

The proper one.

What a mess, eh?

It's all your fault.

- Yes, that would do it.

- So all anyone would need to put a mains charge

through the exercise bike

would be a set of jump leads, yeah?

- And rubber gloves.

- That means no fingerprints.

- It's obviously worth checking,

but I wouldn't build your hopes too highly.

Thank you.

(regal music)

- [Laura] And then there were four.

- I don't think that's very amusing.

- Did I say I was amused?

- Well, I think it's awful.

- Ah, Inspector Barnaby.

Why don't you sit in your usual chair.

- Thank you very much.

Please accept my deepest sympathy.

- Noted.

Appreciated as ever.

- Well, I have to ask the obvious question.

Did your brother Frank have any enemies?

- Apparently.

Otherwise he'd still be alive.

- He was nice.

Everybody liked him.

- Is that the, general view around the table?

- He had great charm.

- Indeed, he had.

- Who's in charge of security?

- Oh, there isn't any.

We lock the door, but the residents have keys,

the staff have keys, we all have keys.

- I imagine all the weasels in the Wildwood

have their own keys.

They probably keep duplicates in their little potting sheds.

- The weasels in the Wildwood?

As in "Wind in the Willows"?

It's my brother's way of referring to

the people of Lower Warden.

- Who'd like nothing more than to overrun this place,

the way the weasels do in the book.

- I don't think the weasels murdered the inhabitants.

- Quite correct.

As I recall it, Mr. Toad marshals his forces,

and they all mount a very successful counterattack.

To be precise, they wack 'em and wack 'em and wack 'em.

- Look.

Two members of your family

have now been murdered in as many days.

And when I talk to you or to anyone from Upper Warden

about possible motives,

you all point me in the direction of Lower Warden.

- Oh, of course.

It's in the natural order of things.

- I'm sure you'll forgive me, Mrs. Wendy Smythe-Webster,

but it's a time for plain speaking.

I've heard it suggested

that you had a sexual relationship with your late nephew.

Which, on the face of it,

would provide your husband with a motive to murder him.

And the graffiti that appeared

on the schoolroom wall last night

would suggest that one or other of you three brothers

have an extra marital relationship

with one or the other of your two wives.

Which, if it were Frank, would give the aggrieved brother

a motive for his murder.

(suspenseful music)

- We're a family with secrets, Inspector,

like any other family.

But if those secrets drove any of us to murder,

we would do it the gentleman's way,

with a bullet through the brain and face-to-face.

And remember, the main purpose of this family,

and perhaps our only purpose is survival.

(men laughing)

- It says "The Shining"

'cause that's what I'd like it to be.

It's my only copy, so...

- We'll take good care of it, Darren.

Now, you were gonna go through this list of people

who left flowers for Larry Smith.

- Was I?

- You were, Darren.

And I even bought you a pint to assist your memory.

- Oh.

All right, then.

Cheers.

This must be Emily Gaskell.

She's from Lower Warden.

- Yes, we met Emily.

But what's a girl from Lower Warden

doing leaving flowers for a Smythe-Webster?

- Emily is engaged to Phil Harrison.

He's from Lower Warden.

He fixes windmills.

He even lives in one.

- Windmills?

Yeah, well, he fixes anything really,

but mills is what he prefers.

Windmills, watermills, satanic mills, maybe.

That's a joke.

- Next.

- Here's a straight one.

Wendy.

- Ah, the lady of the house.

And, is she a lady?

- From what people say, not entirely.

But that's people, not me.

I try not to have opinions.

Darren.

Well, that's me, isn't it?

You know about me.

- Not quite.

Are you an Upper Warden man or Lower Warden man?

- Well, I work mostly in Upper Warden,

but I live mostly with my gran on the edge of Lower Warden.

- But you're in the Upper Warden T.A.?

Well, thank you, Darren.

- Isn't there one more thing?

Columbo always has one more thing, doesn't he?

- If you insist.

One more thing.

In the T.A., do you handle explosives?

(tense music)

(suspenseful music)

Phil Harrison?

- Who wants to know?

- Sergeant Troy.

Corston CID.

- Yeah, I'm Phil Harrison.

What's your problem?

- I thought it might be your problem.

Larry, my lost love, by a broken-hearted Emily Gaskell.

Isn't she your girlfriend?

- So?

- Are you saying nothing happened between her and Larry?

- Nothing that bothered me.

If I'd have been bothered,

I'd have taken little Larry down some pretty country lane

and punched his lights out, the Scotties way.

- The Scotties way?

Were you in the army?

- Yeah, after I left school.

- Do you have experience with explosives?

- Obviously.

It's the job.

You can't do proper peacekeeping

without guns and bombs and stuff.

- Where were you when the bomb went off,

as a matter of interest?

- I was here, preserving the nation's heritage.

Heard the bang.

- Do you do any work at the big house?

- Yeah, I've got a roofing job on it at the moment,

as it happens.

You can't pick and choose.

We go where the jobs are.

Can I get on with my work now, please?

- And I'll get on with mine.

(suspenseful music)

- [Barnaby] How long have you worked here, Darren?

- I don't work here.

I just help out.

Same as I do at Mr. Wilson's bookshop.

I'm basically a freelance.

- [Barnaby] A freelance what?

- Don't laugh.

- I have no intention of laughing.

- I want to be a film director.

- Set that aside for the moment.

The other night, you were working,

well, you were helping out as a night porter.

- Yes.

- Did you see anyone come and go?

- Not really.

I came on at midnight and everybody was in by then.

So basically, I went to sleep in the little office there.

There's a bell you can ring if anybody has an emergency.

(bell chimes)

- But nobody rang any bells last night?

- Only Danny.

Danny the chef.

He came in at 6:00 to start doing the breakfast,

and he rang the bell.

But that was more of a joke.

He's a great joker, our Danny.

- Danny here now?

- He's in the kitchen.

- You talk to him, Troy.

I'm going to meet the weasels in the Wildwood.

- Weasels?

- Think it's time we heard

the Lower Warden side of the story.

(suspenseful music)

(cat meowing)

- No, it's not Billy.

That's Danny.

- What's this?

Are we gonna read about more nights of passion?

You must be Danny.

- That's me.

- Sergeant Troy, Corston CID.

- Do you know Chief Inspector Barnaby?

- Yeah, he's my boss.

- I've got something for him.

- You're finished here.

- Have you a statement for the press?

- Yeah.

Push off.

- That's for Mrs. Barnaby.

- I'm sorry?

She was here for the opening ceremony

dressed as a milkmaid.

- I believe so.

- And she was admiring my meatballs,

and I promised to give her the recipe.

- Thank you, Danny.

I'll pass it on.

(dogs barking) (suspenseful music)

(bell dinging)

- Well, the police are not my favourite people.

But if the Smythe-Websters are shovelling dirt all over us,

I'll do what I can to put the record straight.

- I hear tell that Ellis Bell was a Lower Warden man,

and that you people from Lower Warden are very aggrieved

at the way the Smythe-Websters have appropriated him.

(motorcycle revving)

- Ellis Bell.

Born out of wedlock here in Lower Warden in 1867.

Died in poverty in Corston in 1930,

the year of the great slump.

- Out of wedlock?

- His mother worked at the big house in Upper Warden.

And she was seduced by the son of the house.

The Smythe-Websters denied paternity,

but later they helped young Ellis Bell

to get work as a teacher.

So I think that's a guilty plea, don't you?

Anyway, it's all in the book.

$9.99.

- Oh, please.

Thank you.

It looks very different from the book of the film.

- Well, that's because the original

is an old-fashioned socialist novel.

He calls it "The House of Satan"

because he saw the Smythe-Websters

as totally corrupt from top to bottom.

They took our book and turned it

into a cup prize horror movie.

- So you're not one of the world's greatest admirers

of the Smythe-Websters, then?

- Everything we have of value, they steal.

We deal in truth and they deal in power.

- Whose idea was it to make the movie?

- Ask Jack Wilson, the bard of Upper Warden.

- Oh, the editor of the church newsletter?

- And a failed writer.

Though as dangerous animal in the jungle, a failed writer.

- If you hate these people so much...

- Would I consider murdering them?

(chuckles) No.

I'm a card-carrying peace nik.

Check with MI5, ask them about Sarah Proudie.

They'll tell you.

Let me give you a bag for that.

- Is the spray can mightier than the sword?

- Well, it doesn't kill people.

- And you're familiar with the book of Leviticus?

- I didn't reject the Bible without reading it first.

What sort of woman do you think I am?

(blender whirs)

- Have you always been a chef?

- It's the only job I've ever done.

- And you came here straight from school?

- Not exactly.

We're very good at guilty secrets, Danny.

Well, it's not a secret.

- It was in the local papers.

I learned to cook when I was in Borstal.

- Ah, the cricket pavilion.

- Oh, you heard about that, did you?

I didn't do it, of course.

I suppose they all say that.

- Yeah, they do all say that.

But when I came out, Mr. Rupert gave me a job here.

Hey, rehabilitation works.

I am the living proof.

He even set me on a management course last year.

I could end up running the whole caboodle for the family.

Chief Executive.

(chuckles) That would be a laugh.

And there's no reason why you should want to murder

Larry Smith or Frank Webster?

- Smythe-Websters might be a bunch of chinless tossers,

but they've been very good to me.

(suspenseful music)

Sit yourself down.

Lovely things, don't you reckon?

- Aren't they yours?

- Yeah.

Sort of extended loan from Mr. Rupert.

- Must be worth a bit.

- Around 50 grand each, I believe.

- Phew.

And what did you do to deserve this?

- He never had kids of his own,

so, I'm sort of mate, see?

Make him laugh.

Go on, ask around.

Everybody likes Danny.

Lunch.

- Oh, thank you.

Any joy at the manor?

Both Danny and Darren were in the right places

at the right times for both murders.

- Motives?

Darren's an obsessive nerd

with a grudge against Frank Webster

for not giving him a job on the movie.

But I can't see him as a cold-blooded killer.

- What about the video he gave you?

(sighs) It was "The Shining".

(laughs)

He apologised.

He got his labels mixed up,

but he's bringing the right one in later.

- What about Danny the chef?

- Oh.

He asked me to give this recipe to Mrs. Barnaby.

They were getting on like a house on fire,

apparently, until the bomb went off.

- Oh, were they?

Thank you.

God, these are bloody disgusting.

- Best I could get from the pub.

- Tell me about Danny.

- Well, he seems very popular.

Everybody likes him, he said so himself,

and he's well in with the family, especially Rupert.

- Is he now?

And when two of the natural heirs

to the estate are murdered, it doesn't occur to you

he might be getting a little impatient, or possibly,

carrying out the wishes of his master?

How did you get on with the, uh, weasels?

- I know now who put your Russian goalie on our door.

- Oh, yeah?

Who's that?

- Sarah Proudie, curator of the Ellis Bell museum.

Either because she knows something

about the Smythe-Webster family we do not

or because she wants to divert our attention

away from Lower Warden.

She also told me that the person most resentful

about the film was the bookshop owner, Jack Wilson.

(suspenseful music)

(bell dings)

- Hello?

Hello?

- Afternoon, Mr. Wilson.

- Forgive the mess.

I wasn't expecting company.

- This is just a routine confirm or deny question.

Is it true that it was your idea

to make a film based on Ellis Bell's book?

- It's no secret.

- Tell us what happened.

- Well, I bought a copy of the book

when Sarah Proudie brought out that reprint.

I took it to Mr. Smythe-Webster,

suggesting that it might make a successful film

and why didn't he show it to his brother Frank.

I met Mr. Webster.

He liked the title.

- And?

- He encouraged me to write this.

- "The House of Satan," screenplay by Jack Wilson.

- A year later, the film unit arrived.

They used a screenplay written by some chap

he'd been at school with.

And as you probably know, they turned it into a horror film.

- Did they pay you anything?

- Not a penny.

I could've had two days' work as an extra

playing the part of a corpse, but I declined.

- Is that part of your duplicating machine, Mr. Wilson?

- No.

You'll find me working in my capacity

as honorary armourer of the Upper Warden Territorial Army.

- Do you keep live ammunition here, Mr. Wilson?

- I'm permitted to dispense blank ammunition

for the purposes of field exercises.

But live rounds for use on the firing range

may only be released under the authority of the major.

- Major Rupert Smythe-Webster?

- Yes, sir.

Those are thunder flashes.

Just glorified fireworks.

- Do you have an inventory?

- You've been very keen, Mr. Wilson,

to blame the people from Lower Warden for these killings,

even though you yourself

had even greater reason to feel, betrayed.

You refused to work on the film, you say.

Yet, you were there on the day of Larry's death,

dressed as a village blacksmith.

- Life's too short to bear grudges.

- There's one of these missing, sir.

That'd be more than enough explosive in a box

to blow up the summerhouse.

- I had nothing to do with that.

- How do you account for the missing box?

I didn't know it was gone.

- Who else has a key?

- Only the major, sir.

- Mrs. Smythe-Webster?

Good afternoon.

What's this, window shopping as therapy, is it?

- No, I just thought it might take my mind off things.

- And does it?

- Not really. (phone ringing)

- Troy.

- Now that we're well away from the,

the big house, I have to ask you a rude question.

- Another one?

- Did you have an affair with your husband's brother?

- Which one?

Simon or Frank?

Well, either.

No, neither.

Simon's a vicar and Frank had sweaty feet.

I like that, don't you?

Would you call that beige?

- Sir?

- You need another word with your Sergeant, Mr. Barnaby.

- So I do.

Excuse me.

- I've got the list of telephone numbers

that the late Frank Webster called from his mobile.

- Good.

- Mostly to his office in London,

and also a film company in Los Angeles.

But also, to Sarah Proudie and Phil Harrison

in Lower Warden.

- Phil Harrison who lives in the windmill, yeah?

- That's right.

- I trust you are leaping into action.

- I'm meeting Phil for a drink this evening in the chapel.

- That's excellent.

You keep him occupied in the pub,

whilst I check up on the windmill.

(suspenseful music)

- Too little, too late.

And besides, you're dealing with the wrong person.

- Sorry.

Am I interrupting?

- I'm looking for the chapel.

- The smart money says it's the building across the street

that looks very much like a chapel.

- It hasn't been a chapel for 50 years or more.

We've never had much time for God in Lower Warden.

He doesn't seem to be on our side.

- Thank you.

- It was a nice try, Rupert, but you're much too late.

- 1,000 years too late?

- Oh, you see, you do understand.

(patrons murmuring)

- Fancy a game?

I was supposed to be playing a mate, but he isn't here yet.

- I'm here on business.

- You can have a game of pool and do your cross-examination

at the same time.

Loser buys the drinks.

How's that?

(suspenseful music)

(motorcycle revving)

- [Man On Scaffolding] Bastard!

(patrons murmuring)

- Frank Webster made a series of phone calls

to you this week.

What were they about?

- The windmill.

- The windmill?

- Yeah, he wanted a windmill for "The House of Satan 2,"

so the villain could die a horrible death.

So I don't suppose he'll be wanting that now,

the way things have turned out.

Stranger in town breaks.

- Okay.

- Oh!

We have a hustler in our midst.

Minnesota Troy.

- Are you his mate?

- Yeah, sure.

Why not?

We go back a long way.

- But you've got your feet

well under the table at the manor.

Chief executive in waiting.

Are you still welcome in Lower Warden?

- Oh, well, that's what the old farts tell you.

No, we haven't burned down a castle around here for what?

500 years?

- Burn a castle, maybe.

But what about a cricket pavilion?

(suspenseful music)

(men laughing)

Same again?

- Why, thank you, sergeant.

That's very decent of you.

- Having a bad night?

- Pool is not really my game.

- We noticed.

- Ah, that's the secret.

We all have to find our natural game.

- Like nights of passion.

(women giggling)

- What's your natural game, winning the class war?

- Must have been 1960s.

But I suppose that was before your time.

(suspenseful music)

(cats meowing)

(air hissing)

(air hissing)

- Mr. Barnaby.

- What do you want?

- I can't talk about it out here on account

that it's private and it might lead to an early arrest.

- Oh.

Then make it quick.

Sergeant Troy will see to you.

Come on.

- You'll need a notebook and your tape recorder.

- Tape recorder?

- This has to be on record.

- What has?

- Isn't it obvious?

I've come to confess.

- There've been two murders, Darren.

Which one are you holding your hand up to?

Or did you do both?

- I let your tyres down.

It's an old tradition.

Once a month, someone from Upper Warden goes to Lower Warden

and does something bad.

This month it was my turn, so I let your tyres down.

But I thought it was a Lower Warden car.

I didn't realise it was yours.

- Well, Darren, I think this is a case

where we can exercise our discretion

and let you go with a caution.

- Don't you want to hear the other stuff?

- What other stuff?

- Like, what I saw in Lower Warden

after I let your tyres down.

- What did you see?

(ominous tones)

- I was lurking across the street.

I mean, I don't see it as lurking, but some people do.

And I saw Danny and Phil come out of the chapel,

and they were having a right set to.

- So where was the money, Phil?

- He didn't give it.

(women laughing)

(laughter overpowers voices)

- [Barnaby] Were they arguing about money?

- Goodnight.

- Definitely about money.

- Have you collected any other stuff

in the course of your lurking?

- I've brought my videos.

I make fly on the wall documentaries.

It's like lurking with a camera.

And here.

That's the one you've been waiting for.

The opening ceremony of the satanic experience.

The explosion looks really good on that one.

- What do you do with these after you've made them?

- Well, I put 'em on my website

and hope I'll be talent spotted.

The trouble is, I don't know what's on all of them.

So your best plan might be to, suck it and see.

(chuckles)

(music playing)

This is when they made "The House of Satan" last year.

On the first day of shooting, they had a bit of a party

so the locals could meet Larry Smith.

- Is that Sarah Proudie?

- [Darren] Yeah, Mrs. Proudie was there.

- Mrs. Proudie?

Is she married?

- I think she was.

She called herself Miss ever since she got liberated.

- [Barnaby] Are they having a row?

- They might've been.

There's not much more of this.

(motorcycle revving)

Sorry, it's an old tape.

We shot this bit before the microphone went kaput.

- Is that Phil Harrison?

- Yeah.

He's brilliant.

He generally wins when he's on the field.

Danny's brilliant as well, but he's better on the flat.

They've got identical bikes.

Well, they would.

They've always been mates.

- Darren, you are a prince amongst men.

(suspenseful music)

- What are we looking for, sir?

The row that Darren witnessed outside the chapel last night

after you'd left wasn't just about money.

I think it was a villains falling out.

I saw Danny coming here last night to collect something.

It must've been money.

It must have been from the Smythe-Websters.

Well he didn't find it, so something obviously went wrong.

- Are we talking blackmail?

- Blackmail, money with menaces.

Pay up or we carry on murdering your family.

Danny's expecting his share of the money,

and instead, he finds, he finds this.

(suspenseful music)

- These murders, Danny.

- Yes, sir?

- We can't go on like this, can we?

- Well, we're gonna run out of family, aren't we, sir?

- You've got such a sweet way of putting things, Danny.

- Have you found us anything in Lower Warden?

- I made a bit of progress.

You might say my inquiries are ongoing.

- Hmm.

I tried opening negotiations with Sarah Proudie,

but she indicated I was talking to the wrong person.

Miss Proudie knows

most of what goes on in Lower Warden, sir,

but I don't think she approves of it all,

if you see what I mean.

- (sighs) The whole thing's so ghastly.

I'm sure it's affecting my nails.

(church bells tolling)

(suspenseful music)

- Here. Take that.

I'll join you later.

Mrs. Smythe-Webster?

Good morning.

- I can't remember when I last experienced a good morning.

- You were trying to scrub the graffiti

off the wall, weren't you?

- Yes.

You seem to think that it was a reference to Wendy.

She was very upset about that.

She's actually very sensitive.

Stupid, but sensitive.

- But if it wasn't a reference to her, then?

- It was me, Inspector.

Mine was the nakedness that was uncovered.

- Oh, I see.

Well, I have to ask you.

Which brother?

- Goodness me.

Frank, of course.

Frank was funny.

He made me laugh.

I don't laugh very easily.

- Was this recently?

- Maybe 20 years ago.

- Are you telling me that Lawrence was.

- Yes.

Lawrence was Frank's son.

- Does your husband know about all this?

- Oh, yes.

- How did he feel about, well, how does he feel about it?

- He hated Frank.

Hated Lawrence.

He probably hates me.

But we never talk about it.

- Do you think that your husband killed Lawrence

and then killed Frank?

- No.

But I didn't think he'd object strenuously

if somebody else did it for him.

Simon is resolutely Christian.

Everything is God's will.

It's a very convenient way of looking at things, really.

Means nothing is ever anyone's fault.

- That is a wicked distortion.

- Life in the big house, Inspector.

- Laura, please!

- I'm going to pray.

You can join me if you wish.

(suspenseful music)

- You've really made Ellis Bell

your mission in life, haven't you?

- I'm Ellis Bell's great-granddaughter.

- Oh, I see.

You say, in your preface to the new edition

of "The House of Satan" that when that book

first appeared in 1897, the Smythe-Websters of the day

bought out the publishers.

- Bought the publishers and burned the books.

They had a huge bonfire in the grounds of the big house.

And then 100 years later, they stole it back,

corrupted it, and made their millions.

They took a classic and crapped all over it.

- Is that what you said to Mr. Rupert Smythe-Webster

when he came in to see you last night?

- Oh, well, that was a social call.

- A social call?

Very surprised you're on speaking terms.

- 30 years ago we had a brief and dangerous liaison.

It ended in tears, of course.

Oh, his, not mine.

There's a potentially decent man buried down

to that 1,000 years of history,

and I thought I could dig him out.

I failed.

- My sergeant says he offered you money.

- Which I refused.

- Why?

- I approached Frank Webster at the proper time

about making a contribution to the running of my museum.

He said the book was out of copyright,

and told me to get lost.

End of story.

I don't grovel to these people.

And I don't grovel to anyone, as you probably gathered.

- Ellsie Pinchel.

Is that Danny's mother?

- Mm.

She died a couple of weeks ago.

A legendary midwife of this parish and a formidable gossip.

She'd have answered all your questions,

whether she knew the answers or not.

- Would she really?

What do you think of Danny?

- Oh, everybody likes Danny.

I think that's his problem.

He wants to be liked, and that's tricky.

- [Barnaby] Oh, is this the famous chapel?

- Well, it was before God retreated

and The People's Republic of Lower Warden

turned it into a drinking club.

We did the conversion work ourselves.

A collective enterprise.

Phil did the building work,

Danny did the rewiring,

I burned the altar.

- Danny did the electrics, did he?

- Yes.

He's a wizard with wires.

(suspenseful music)

- Troy, could you meet me at the hotel

in 10 minutes, please?

We need to talk to Danny.

Helen.

How you feeling?

- Heaps better.

Thanks.

- Is Danny in this morning?

- He's in the kitchen.

Tell him it's well past coffee time.

- I will.

(ominous tones)

Helen, has Danny had any visitors this morning?

- Only Mr. Smythe-Webster.

- What time did he leave?

- Well, I didn't see him leave.

He could've gone out the back door.

- Okay, thanks.

- Has something happened to Danny?

- Yeah, something has happened to Danny.

(suspenseful music)

- Afternoon, Barnaby.

Progress report?

- Good afternoon.

I have one or two further questions, please.

- Well.

- I'm told that you and Sarah Proudie

from Lower Warden were once,

if you'll pardon the expression, an item.

- My god.

You have been dredging, haven't you?

- Well, there seems an awful lot to dredge in these parts.

- She said, you couldn't have a proper relationship

across the tracks if one of the families owns the tracks.

It's a fair point.

So I returned to my own kind.

But that's all over now.

Good health.

- Thank you.

How do you mean, it's all over now?

- Take a look at that photograph up there on the mantel.

The Smythe-Webster boys when young.

Notice anything?

- There were four of you.

- Exactly.

My big brother Sinjin drove his Ferrari into a war

when he was up at Oxford.

So we all moved up one.

And I got landed with running this place

instead of becoming the local vicar.

- [Barnaby] Would you have enjoyed that?

- Oh, it's a doddle.

The hours are undemanding and you get first whack

at the Young Wives Club.

- Why, why did you say it's all over now?

- Well, by the time big brother had killed himself,

I had had the operation.

The snip.

Oh, it was Sarah Proudie's idea,

but it to made sense at the time,

looking ahead to the Young Wives.

Simon, as you will have observed, is fundamentally sexist.

And Frank, Frank was always really careful

after the business with Laura,

which brought forth little Larry.

We're running out of family, Mr. Barnaby.

1,000 years and now it's over.

- How do you plan to cope?

- That's what the satanic experience is all about.

Fatten up the place,

sell it to some global leisure cooperation,

and spend the money on loose living.

It's the end of the line and nobody'll give a damn.

But why?

Why would anyone want to murder

your nephew and your brother?

Why?

- We've got the money and they haven't.

- A box of thunder flashes went missing a few days ago.

Mr. Wilson says the only other person

to hold a key to the armoury is you.

- You think I killed Larry?

- Anyone else have access to your key?

- Well, I did lose it for a couple of days,

but then it turned up, so I thought no more about it.

- I understand that Danny Pinchel

has become quite a favourite of yours.

- He's a good lad.

Manages to see past the money

and talk to me like another human being.

- You see him as a prospective heir?

- (laughing) Well, I don't know what he's been telling you,

but that's, that's ridiculous.

Well, I've always said that if we sold up,

we'd try to protect his job.

But that's hardly the same thing.

- Did you argue with him this morning?

Over the key, perhaps.

- Danny?

You think Danny stole the key none other?

Always found him an amiable soul.

- He's a dead soul now.

- Dead?

What are you talking about?

- Someone killed him.

Around about the time of your visit.

- They can't kill Danny.

Everybody likes Danny.

- Three possibilities.

There's a bruise indicating he's been banged on the head.

More bruises on the neck,

indicating that someone tried to strangle him.

But I've got a feeling he's actually been drowned.

- Drowned?

- In gazpacho.

- In what?

- It's cold tomato soup.

- I'd say he was held face down in that,

by a killer whose clothes must be in a terrible mess.

- This doesn't tie in with the others.

Danny wasn't a Smythe-Webster.

- Not yet, he wasn't.

- Danny the chef.

What you gonna do with this one?

Call it drugs related and file under pending.

- You've done very well after these murders,

haven't you, Mr. Murdoch?

- Just doing my job.

- You see the bright lights beckoning, don't you?

But I see a motive for murder.

- That's outrageous.

- Well that being the case, your best plan

will be to stay out of my field of vision.

Now, if there are no more questions.

- Is it true a local man is helping with your inquiries?

- Well, if he is, it'll be a first.

- Sir,

I found this in Danny's pocket.

Looks like his mom's diary.

- Excellent.

(suspenseful music)

What's the betting Phil did a cross-country run

on that bike this morning to kill Danny?

- Message received and understood, sir.

(sombre music)

- I thought the point of women's emancipation

was that you didn't have to do the men's dirty washing.

Troy.

Ta.

(suspenseful music)

(motorcycle revving)

- Sorry about the flat tyres.

I don't know where I get these ideas.

- My sergeant has something to say to you.

- Philip Harrison, you're charged with the murders

of Danny Pinchel, Larry Smith, and Frank Webster.

(suspenseful music)

- Why?

My nephew was a waste on Earth, my brother was a waste,

and I dare say I'm a waster, too.

Everybody liked Danny!

- No, no, no.

Everybody was wrong.

Danny was the worst of the lot.

- What did you mean, "Danny was the worst of the lot"?

- He was the brains.

I was the guy who pushed the button.

- [Barnaby] Danny borrowed your key to the armoury,

and he planned the explosion that killed Larry.

(crowd applauds)

- Three, two, one, go!

(explosion booms)

- [Barnaby] Phil triggered the blast by remote control.

(screaming) (glass shattering)

But Danny was on hand

to give the signal for the mobile phone.

- No.

I don't believe this.

- But why?

- I saw Frank Webster laugh at you that day.

- [Frank] Just because some cheapskate ancestor

wrote a lousy book--

- [Proudie] He was our ancestor.

- You know the law.

There is no copyright on books

70 years after the writer's death.

Ellis Bell belongs to the world now.

Public ownership.

I thought you people believed in that, darling.

(laughs) (suspenseful music)

- He should never had laughed at you, simple as that.

- After Larry had died, Frank was supposed to come through

with the money, wasn't he?

But he didn't.

Is that right?

- Yeah, that's right.

I wanted him to pay up, he didn't.

(laughs) We tossed a coin to decide.

- My way.

- Yeah, he fancied himself as a hard man.

He wasn't.

(bike whirring)

(groaning in pain)

- And I assume

you were going to put pressure on Rupert next.

- He was still the man with the money.

- (sighs) Well, all right,

I can understand Phil hating the family.

Why Danny?

- Are you gonna tell him, Philip?

I went to see him this morning.

We had words and suddenly, he said--

- Oh, you're an idiot, just like your dad.

- I haven't got a dad!

- Everyone's got one somewhere.

Yours is lord of the manor.

(laughs)

Yeah.

If you don't believe me, I can show you my mom's diary.

- Oh yeah, Rupert's my dad.

That means I could spoil everything for you, couldn't I?

You set me up, didn't you?

You wanted me to go down for all this stuff.

- Well, I went down for the cricket pavilion.

- Then with me out of the way, you could have a clear run.

- That's what friends are for.

(pots clattering)

(unsettling music)

- What precisely am I being told here?

- Danny's mother Elsie was the midwife at Phil's birth.

And she was always told the mother,

"If anything goes wrong, I need to know who the father is."

And so I told her.

And she wrote all the names down in her diary.

- This diary, which we found on Danny's body.

Yes, Rupert, you are Philip's father.

- Yeah.

And I'm your son and heir.

Except for you people would have found a way of screwing me.

Oh, we couldn't have some lout from Lower Warden

take over the manor, could we?

- That's why I never told you.

- You did the right thing, Mom.

- Look at us.

We're a family.

- So long, Daddy.

(chorus singing in the distance)

- Back to normal, then?

- Normal's a bit weird around here, isn't it, Mr. Wilson?

- No, Darren.

Weird's another place.

(gentle music)

- I never thought of you as a gardener, Sarah.

- I'm keeping it nice for my son.

- Is it too late for us to be friends?

- Oh, I think so.

Don't you?

- You were right, it's not a bad book.

- It's very good.

- You didn't tell me that the hero's name is Harrison,

Phil Harrison.

- You didn't ask.

- This your bookmark?

- Probably.

- Oh, no, it's not.

It's Danny's meatball recipe.

- (sighs) He seemed a nice boy.

- Oh, yeah.

Everybody liked him.

(suspenseful music)