Original subtitles

This is my boss,

Jonathan hart, a self-made millionaire.

He'’s quite a guy.

This is Mrs. H. She'’s gorgeous.

She'’s one lady who knows how to take care of herself.

By the way, my name is Max.

I take care of both of them,

which ain'’t easy '’cause when they met,

it was murder.

[♪♪]

[Barks]

[Man on phone] Hart ranch.

[Mrs. Scott] Dwayne? Uh, this is Mrs. Scott in Los Angeles.

Is Mr. Hart there, please?

Oh, I'm afraid not. They're on their way home.

But they aren't due back till Friday.

Mr. Hart took quite a tumble off his horse. Oh.

And Mrs. Hart wants him to see their doctor in la.

Is he badly hurt?

Oh, just stiff, I guess.

Shook up, nothing broken. When did they leave?

A couple hours ago. Should be back around noon your time.

Hmm. Fine. Okay. I'll call them at the house. Thank you.

[Phone hangs up]

Max is definitely home.

Maybe we should have called first.

Maybe we should have. Oh!

Are you all right?

I'll never ride that horse again.

Oh, no, let's leave those for Max, darling, come on.

Let me help you in, you poor thing. Oh.

Please, give me a break, will you?

[Jennifer laughs]

Hello.

Uh, hello. Come in. Come in. Here they are, Mr. Grade.

I expected you later.

What?

Keep quiet and turn around.

Turn around.

Not bad. You're a little shorter than he is, a little pudgier.

You look better in the flesh than you do in your pictures.

You'll do, you'll pass. Pass?

For Jonathan and Jennifer hart.

And don't worry about knowing

all the private details of their life.

We'll give you a complete briefing.

We're holding their houseman, Max.

He'll coach you,

or we'll blow his head off.

Come along. I'll brief you in here.

What's this?

We took care of him

after Max got hold of one and tried to call out.

We had to, uh, reason with him.

Is he hurt?

Don't worry, he can still talk.

Here are some updated facts on the harts.

I want you to be letter-perfect on their lives.

Well, you certainly have done a lot of research.

Considering what we're after.

Now, I want you to go through that thoroughly.

Trammell, fetch our friend.

Right.

When are you going to fill us in on the details of our assignment?

I'll let you know what you need to know

when you need to know it.

Take your hands off of me!

Who's that?

This is their Butler. The one interested in the phones.

What's his name?

Max.

Well, mack, from now on

you think of me as Jonathan hart,

and think of her as Jennifer.

And cooperate. Be smart.

Save your life. You got it?

I get it. I'm not gonna tango with this gorilla.

And these phony maids are packing rods.

How dangerous is this going to be?

Oh, don't be concerned. I'm cautious to a fault.

That's why I want you to be thoroughly briefed.

What do you know about wine, for instance?

Wine?

Red, white, Rose, sparkling, still?

They're almost invariably liquid.

We know about that kind of wine, yeah.

So that you won't be hopelessly out of place

at your own formal dinner tonight.

And you can tell them how to dress the part?

I'll give them the clothes. They'll have to supply the style.

Right. Try to rise above your limitations.

Are we going to have to convince anyone

who knows the harts?

No. Nobody at the dinner tonight

has ever met Jonathan or Jennifer hart personally,

but you will have to look and sound absolutely right.

Relax.

We'll be so convincing you'll gasp.

Good. Very good.

Just follow me.

Not bad.

Quite adequate.

All right, let's have the grand tour.

Mr. Hart's clothes are here.

After you.

Mrs. Hart's clothes are here.

Good. You'd better get into evening clothes.

Make sure they fit correctly.

If necessary, edna will make any alterations.

All right. We'll be down when we get changed.

I'll be downstairs.

Well, they activated our security alarm.

They've cut the telephone cord.

We can't call out.

And we can't get out.

They've got Max, and we can't do anything about it.

Oh, this is insane!

Who are the guests gonna be?

I'd advise you not to let Mr. Grade hear you ask questions.

Ever.

Get the wine glasses.

[Cork pops]

Oh, doll, is this all right?

Oh, yes.

[Door opens]

Very good.

Damn near perfect for both of you.

Thank you.

Yes, we're lucky. It seems to fit quite well.

[Matthew] Very lucky.

As far as the guests are concerned,

I'm working for you.

Executive assistant.

The title covers a multitude of sins.

First name basis. You can call me Matthew.

Matt.

Is that your real name?

No.

Wow, you look terrific.

Thank you.

I'm Melanie. I don't think I even know your real name.

Why don't we keep it at Jonathan and Jennifer?

That way we'll stay in character.

Okay. I think Jonathan's classy.

[Clears throat]

Uh, she have some kind of a lock on you?

We work as partners.

And we work day and night.

Melanie, that'll be all.

Yes, Mr. Grade.

You look wonderful.

Change into something more casual.

I'll see you downstairs.

We have a problem to solve.

[Muted barking]

Hey, he likes me.

I have a way with dogs.

His name is freeway.

Come on, roadway.

Come here, boy. There.

Come on, roadway.

[Pats knee] Nice dog.

[Whistles]

Nice roadway. Here, boy.

Here, boy.

Roadway! [Whistles]

Boy, come here. Come on.

Come here, boy. Come on.

[Barking] Come on.

Come on.

No, no, no. Here, boy.

That'’s it. Here, boy.

[Barking]

Nice dog.

[Laughs] You see?

Told you he likes me.

[Telephone buzzes]

Is that the gate?

Yeah, it is.

Answer it.

Move your tail.

Hart residence.

This is agent Martin Austin. I'd like to see Mr. Hart.

Agent? What kind of agent?

United States secret service.

Probably a routine security check.

But if it isn't...

Tell him to come in.

Come on up.

Thank you.

You're not going to risk killing a federal agent, are you?

Not if you convince him you're the harts.

Positions.

[Snaps fingers] Dog, kitchen, door.

Over here.

Please come in, Mr. Austin.

Mr. Austin, sir.

Hello. I'm Jonathan hart.

My wife, Jennifer.

How do you do? Mrs. Hart.

Thank you, trammell.

Is something wrong?

Uh, excuse me, but according to our records,

your houseman's name is Max.

It is. Yes.

Max is in the kitchen.

We always put on extra staff when we're entertaining.

Well, of course. Sorry, Mrs. Hart.

But our office was asked to do a security check

when we learned that you were having senator and Mrs. Barton to dinner tonight.

Because there have been threats

ever since the senator announced his re-election campaign.

Well.

This is my executive assistant,

Matthew grade.

You probably don't have him on file. He's new with me.

I'm handling the security for the dinner.

That's why Mr. Hart has insisted

on special precautions.

May I show you the complete set-up?

That'd be fine, Mr. Grade.

Melanie, watch him.

You were pretty good.

It's lucky you two showed up early.

There are sensors at every upstairs window.

The alarm will register,

even if there's any attempt at entry.

Damn good.

Mr. and Mrs. Hart are certainly very careful.

Why so much security?

Because, Mr. Austin, this is notably an insecure world.

Now for the bedroom.

It's both sound and light-activated.

Impressive. I don't think I've seen that design before.

Uh-uh.

The entire system is under development.

We'd rather keep it confidential.

If you come this way.

I'm a government agent.

So was Aaron burr.

Ah, the guest room.

Oh, excuse me, Mr. Grade.

That'’s all right, Melanie.

The staff have been with Mr. Hart for some time.

But you'’re new?

Yes.

May I ask your background, Mr. Grade?

Yes, my previous experience was in england,

Scotland yard criminal division.

Considerable experience, I might add.

That'’s interesting.

And reassuring.

I hope you'’ll agree, Mr. Austin.

Now the food is prepared here under supervision,

and the rear door is secure, of course.

Questions?

I'’m reassured. Thank you.

Your security system is excellent, sir.

State-of-the-art.

Every window is covered, every door.

You can't get in or out without keying an alarm.

We know.

Well, I'm more than satisfied.

Thank you, Mr. Hart.

I'll show you out.

[Jennifer] Oh!

You're no Butler.

You're a security man.

That's terrific.

Well, now I really feel better about the whole thing.

Mr. Hart.

Mrs. Hart.

I'll show you out, sir.

You sound perfect.

Are you jhi security, or private?

[Chuckles]

That's classified. Classified!

I'm sorry, sir. I guess I'm a little nervous.

No matter. He bought it.

We're in the clear now.

All the way. He's gone.

Wanted to know if I'd had any FBI training.

[Chuckles]

It's almost 1:00.

We must stay on schedule.

Now you two concentrate on your briefing notes.

I want you to be the harts.

Preparations for the dinner. We start in the kitchen.

Melanie, prior or during the dinner...

The chauffeur. No problem.

[Exhales]

What is it?

The harts, the real fakes,

the ones that are coming in to play us.

Grade said they'd be here around 2:00.

That's about an hour from now.

I don't like it.

You asked me, and I'm telling you.

Mr. and Mrs. H have lunch out here every day, unless it's raining.

It ain't raining.

It might not be a bad idea. Do they have a security patrol?

Yes, the bel air.

Well, if they were to come by and see the harts having lunch,

then they wouldn't check.

You're right.

We'll be setting up inside.

Keep an eye on him.

Hey, I don't want no trouble.

Mr. and Mrs. H, what are we gonna do?

Well, first we got to find out

why senator and Mrs. Danielle barton were invited to dinner.

It's far too elaborate a plan for a social event.

I get the feeling that this grade guy isn't playing penny-ante.

I've got the same feeling.

He has perfect manners.

He's loaded with charm.

But there's something very dangerous underneath.

That's why he can't find out that we're us.

You're right, Mr. H. But these doubles are coming in here any minute.

Well, all we can do is wait for an opening.

As long as we're on the outside,

and grade and company are on the inside,

we might have a chance.

But if they're going to be here at any minute,

we've got to do something fast.

I'm going to get something out of the Jeep.

You wait here.

If grade comes back,

tell him I'm out strolling in the garden,

staying in character.

What should I do?

Stay in character.

What character?

The senator over there, his wife across from him.

Mr. Stratham?

Next to the senator. It'll reassure him.

Senator barton's imaginary security

is the only reason he's agreed to come without his own guard.

And with our $20 million.

[Drilling]

Almost done. Good.

[Beeping]

It's armed.

Be careful with these controls.

I don't want to be burned alive.

[Matthew] It's on safety.

What about the actors?

The actors?

Oh, our Jonathan and Jennifer hart.

When we're done and gone, there'll be a tragic fire.

When the real harts return,

they'll find ashes and a number of anonymous corpses.

Any traces of us gone up in smoke.

Cover it up.

Max, the gate opener. Go down and let the doubles in.

We'll wait for them downstairs in the wine cellar.

Okay.

Watch the gate, darling.

Doll, it's already 2:00.

If they're late, we gotta think of something. We can't just...

We have to take a chance on this.

Go ahead and just watch the gate.

[Jennifer] There's a car coming.

It's them.

Hold it right here, buddy.

Hi, I'm Allen. I'm Janet.

I know you both.

Now leave your car here and come on.

Uh, will my car be okay here? It'll be fine.

Look, I just had a tune-up.

Nobody's going to rip you off in this neighborhood.

Steal an oil company or a small country maybe, but not your heap.

Where's Mr. Grade? Inside.

So let's not keep him waiting. Come on. Both of you.

They really do look like us.

Look at this.

[Jonathan] Oh, you're right. They do look like us.

Here they come.

Did you work it out?

Hold it. Why?

Uh, Mr. Grade is very fussy.

We shouldn't be too early.

It was a piece of cake.

I haven't worked on one of those cookie tins in years.

Call that a safe?

It's always a delight to have your expert evaluation,

but we have a schedule.

You both look terrific.

Red's your color. Thank you.

You, too.

Come on. Let's go.

What is this? We're supposed to be playing the owners.

Not a cook or something.

You're gonna be terrific. Come on, downstairs, and to the right.

Mr. Grade is waiting for you.

Downstairs? Didn't you hear what she said?

We're supposed to be the owners.

That's all right. Go ahead.

Right this way, down here.

That's it, now step right in here.

This is the basement.

Now, right through there is the wine cellar.

Who are you? We're supposed to...

You look like me. Yes, I do, don't I?

It's entirely climate-controlled,

and the air circulates regularly.

They're waiting for you right in here. I don't understand.

Just step inside.

[Woman screaming]

Melanie, bring in the actors.

Sure, I'm almost finished.

Hurry up! Someone's coming to get you!

[Pounding on door]

Just relax and enjoy yourselves!

Why don't we go over the menu?

Good, good.

[Clattering]

What's going on?

Uh, I dropped a pan.

Well, I can see that. Make a little less noise, eh?

[Max whistling]

Well, look at that.

Don't you two look rich.

That is the general idea, isn't it?

Come on inside, it's time to earn your money.

Grade wants you.

[Exhales]

We have a little task for you to perform.

Here's what you say.

You don't have to be exact, but make it as close as possible.

This is Jonathan hart's office.

Mr. Hart would like to speak with Mr. Stratham.

Mr. Stratham?

Here's Mr. Hart.

This is Jonathan hart.

Mr. Hart?

This is truly an honor.

The house of stratham is proud to be of service to you.

Have you made a decision? [Jonathan] Not yet.

So I would like you to bring a selection of jewels over to my home,

including the queen Catherine emerald

and the bagnold diamonds, of course.

I'm sure Mrs. Hart will be delighted in either case.

Well, it's our anniversary. And I want to surprise her.

By the way, there'll be complete security.

Senator and Mrs. Danielle barton

will be coming over for dinner.

Yes, your office told me.

And I hope you won't mind, Mr. Hart,

but I checked with the FBI.

Just a formality, of course.

The name Jonathan hart, well...

Still, I felt I had to take every precaution.

The jewels are worth over $20 million.

That's all right, Mr. Stratham.

Nothing is too good for my wife.

Nothing.

I look forward to seeing you tonight.

Thank you, sir. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Perfect. Absolutely perfect.

Thanks.

Darling? Yeah, here.

It's all set.

When Max gets a chance, he's gonna talk to the senator's chauffeur.

What did he do?

[Matthew] Nothing.

And to ensure that he continues to do nothing,

we're stowing him in there for the duration.

[Vehicle pulls up]

It's senator barton.

Let him in. Right.

I guess it's safe to say that Max won't have a chance

to talk to the senator's chauffeur.

Keep on smiling.

Edna! Melanie!

[Doorbell rings]

Welcome to hart house.

This way, please.

Senator and Mrs. Barton, sir.

Senator.

My pleasure, sir. Oh, it sure is.

We've never met, but of course I know

a great deal about you, Mr. Hart.

And all of it, first rate.

Well, thank you.

May I present my wife, Jennifer.

How do you do, senator?

Very well. How are you? And I'm Angela barton.

But everyone calls me Angie. How'd you do?

You sure have a lovely home.

Well, thank you.

And this is my associate, Mr. Grade.

How do you do, sir?

A pleasure, senator. Madam.

Can we offer you something to drink?

That you could, sir. Bourbon.

Now that sounds delicious.

Darling?

Uh, yes, please.

Trammell. Sir.

Senator, I'm glad you could make it.

I know why you invited me here tonight, Mr. Hart.

Oh, Jonathan, if I may. Do you know why?

Jonathan, you can't fool an old campaigner.

I've just announced my re-election campaign

and I think that the time's right for...

Name stands for the kind of people we should be talking to...

Uh, no, thank you.

Oh. No, thank you. I mean, what with Dan's plans and all...

Senator, I'd like to talk with you...

About the funding?

Well, of course, money is the key element in my campaign.

Money is the mother's milk of politics, Mr. Hart.

So you can see why...

Angie. Angie. Mmm!

I just knew you'd have real down-home bourbon.

I'd like to talk with you privately.

Oh, would you care for a canapé, sir?

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

You're talking politics, gentlemen?

Politics? Why, no, sir.

No, we're discussing statesmanship.

Honeybug, that name just fits you to a t!

Statesmanship!

Now, now, sweetie, you just behave yourself.

[Doorbell rings]

I couldn't get a word in edgewise.

She can drink straight bourbon and talk at the same time.

She doesn't even come up for air.

You know, being a senator's wife is a tremendous responsibility.

Oh, yes, I'm sure.

You do just fine, Angie.

Oh...

How do you folks feel about corporate contributions

to political efforts, Mr. Grade?

[Matthew] Oh, we're in favor.

Mr. Anthony stratham.

Good evening.

Stratham, the jeweler of the house of stratham?

All those simply terrific diamonds?

Guilty on all three counts.

Uh, Mr. Stratham, I'm Jennifer hart.

This is senator barton. Hello.

Mrs. Angie barton. Yes.

Our Mr. Grade.

And you know my husband Jonathan.

Of course.

Good evening.

I remember you perfectly.

You do?

Have we met before?

Years ago. You were a journalist. You did a story on the diamond trade.

Oh! Oh, yes, of course. I remember very well.

But I must have changed since then.

Oh, not that much.

Oh, Mr. Stratham,

your reputation for flattery is equal to that of your jewels.

[Laughs]

Excuse me, Mr. Hart, the storage area is ready for Mr. Stratham.

Yes, it is.

Excuse me. Yes.

I'll be waiting here to finish our chat, Jonathan.

Right, senator.

Mrs. Hart. Oh. Yes?

I've been meaning to ask you

ever since we arrived during the evening...

[Stratham] Voila, the queen Catherine emerald.

Or, if Mrs. Hart would prefer,

the bagnold diamond.

My god.

They're certainly worth having.

Worth having?

Mr. Hart, these are worth killing for.

[Mrs. Barton] Wonderful.

Lovely wine.

[Jennifer] Glad you like it. Oh, I always do.

Oh, it's all gone. Just when I was getting to be real fond of it.

I'm sure we have another bottle in the cellar, ma'am.

Why don't you have some port? Why don't you have some...

[All speaking at once]

Trammell. Yes, sir?

There's some port right there on the side.

Sir.

Why I'd love a glass of port.

What were you carrying when you came in, Mr. Stratham?

Oh, magic, Mrs. Barton. Magic.

[Mrs. Barton] Well, it looked more like a sample case to me.

[Senator] Angie!

Well, it's just that I love nice things, dear.

I'd like to propose a toast.

Oh, I'll second that.

Oh!

You clumsy girl!

Hey, I don't have to take... Melanie!

I'm sure that it was just an accident.

Oh, yes, of course, it's just an accident.

But I will have to change my clothes.

Would you excuse me, please?

Accidents will happen.

Oh, excuse me, senator, is your chauffeur outside?

Yes, sir, he is. Why?

I thought he might like to have a bite in the kitchen.

Good idea.

Melanie can fetch him, sir.

I'll pulverize that trammell.

Now, you go down the backstairs,

wait five minutes, and then let freeway go.

Got it? Got it, Mrs. H.

Good.

Uh-uh.

Why don't we go somewhere a little more private?

Well, lead the way.

[Muffled scream]

[Freeway barking]

How did you get loose, you bad dog?

Ah! Here we are, all changed.

I'm terribly sorry for the inconvenience.

Good help is so difficult to get these days.

Thank you.

How's the chauffeur? He's on ice.

What?

I think the party's over.

[Doorbell rings]

That is, were you expecting somebody, senator?

Mr. Stratham? Uh, no.

Naturally, sir, I have to keep in constant touch with Washington.

There may be developments relating to my committee.

I remember one time...

Oh, where's Max?

Ma'am?

Is Mr. Hart in?

Would you wait here a moment, ma'am?

We must have gone 200 miles before somebody noticed

that they hadn't made any preparations for meals...

[Footsteps approaching]

There's a lady to see Mr. Hart.

Excuse me, I'll take care of it from here.

I think perhaps I'd better go along.

Um, I just want to see if I can help.

Excuse me.

We'll be just fine.

Oh, Mr. Hart, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to intrude.

I'd heard that you'd taken a fall at the ranch,

and I called, but they said you came home.

And I have been trying the phones all day,

but they seem to be out of order,

so I, uh, came over.

I do apologize, Mrs. Hart.

I certainly hope I haven't interrupted anything.

So you work for Mr. Hart?

Oh, for the past eight years.

Then you know him well?

Well, that's why I was so concerned.

You're Jonathan hart.

And you're Jennifer hart.

Well, of course they're the harts.

Of course they are.

I'm immensely grateful to you.

Commendable loyalty.

Edna!

Get the jewels.

Tell Melanie to look after the others.

Mr. Hart... It's all right, Kelly.

Just do what he says. They're planning to take some jewels.

No, no, no. Not planning.

Doing.

They're gone.

Impossible!

Nobody left except you.

Where are they?

I really need to know.

I'll tell you where they are.

Darling.

They're in our vault downstairs.

What vault? I've been all over this place.

In the wine cellar. It's rather hard to find.

Then you'll be able to locate them.

Do I have much of a choice?

This way.

Keep an eye on her.

I admire you. Both of you.

Carrying off a deception under such pressure. Remarkable.

Thanks.

Too bad you're already a very rich man.

I could use two intelligent associates.

But I suppose you're hopelessly honest.

Pity.

Yes, it must be very frustrating for you.

Until now, perhaps.

But now that I'm gonna join the ranks of the rich,

I can appreciate the delights of legitimacy.

I shall retire to a sea coast,

beneath the sun,

in sinful luxury.

If you get away with it.

Oh, I shall.

Open the door.

Oh, uh, trammell will manage that.

[Grunting]

[Muffled moaning]

You don't realize...

[Muffled protesting]

[Gunshot]

[Footsteps approaching]

What's going on here?

[Grunts]

[Bottle clattering]

Hey!

Aw, the party's over?

[All laughing]

Your maid was right, Mr. Hart.

We did find a bomb under the floor in your dining room.

It's been defused.

Here it comes now. Thanks very much.

Bye-bye, bomb.

Thank god.

Yes. Well, I must say, it's been a memorable dinner party.

I only regret that the invitation wasn't a legitimate one.

Next time, it will be.

I look forward to that. Goodnight.

Goodnight. Good morning.

Oh. Good morning.

I'm going to bed, Mr. and Mrs. H.

Come on, freeway, let's get some sleep.

[Engine starts]

What a night!

You can say that again.

Look at you. What?

All you've been through, and you look gorgeous! Oh!

You're only saying that because you love me.

I certainly do.

What about those emeralds?

Oh, now, those are gorgeous.

They certainly would make someone a nice present.

Mmm. Unless someone bought them for themselves.

Well, someone could buy them for themselves,

but it'd be nice if someone bought them for someone.

Yes, I suppose you're right.

Anyway, it's none of our concern. Come on.

Hey, gorgeous. Mmm-hmm?

Oh, oh, oh, no! Good, huh?

[Laughing]

[Jennifer] Whoo-hoo!

[♪♪]