Original subtitles

This is my boss,

Jonathan hart, a self-made millionaire.

He's quite a guy.

This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.

She's one lady who knows how to take care of herself.

By the way, my name is Max.

I take care of both of them,

which ain't easy, 'cause when they met...

It was murder.

[♪♪]

[Grunting]

Help!

[Screaming] Murder!

[Muffled screaming]

How are you, Frankie?

Fine.

I told you I was gonna have your money.

That was two weeks ago, frank.

You're using up a lot of interest.

Well, I need another week.

[Groaning]

I'm onto a real good thing.

I'm trying to think of a reason to believe you.

I swear, Tony, I'll get your money back.

Just one more week.

Okay, Frankie.

But this is business.

You have to get done.

What?

Wait a minute.

Wait... [Groaning]

[Punches landing]

[Groaning continues]

That's a collection notice, frank.

You got one week, or they're gonna pour what's left of you

into a little rubber bag.

[Breathes heavily]

[Punches continue]

[Cecil] Chateau margaux '66.

Clos des mouche '76.

Ah.

Eltviller sonnenberg auslese '78.

Oh, my.

You have a remarkable family of wines here, Mr. Hart.

Well, that's why we wanted the world's best protection for our cellar, Cecil.

Cellar, Mr. Hart? Oh, no. That will never do.

A monastery.

A nursery where your precious children rest.

Maturing, waiting to come of age.

To get their corks popped.

Now, let me explain grape guard's security system to you.

It is essentially a very simple system,

though it may appear somewhat complicated.

It's fabricated in america,

though it does use Japanese components.

Nevertheless, it has proven itself to be remarkably reliable.

Now, we've placed over three dozen heat-sensitive switches,

like this one, throughout the room.

Oh, yes, we wouldn't want the little ones to get too warm.

Well, it would be somewhat disconcerting, Mrs. Hart,

not to mention costly,

to discover oneself to be the proud owners

of one of the world's most expensive collection of salad dressings.

Quite.

Now then, the heat sensors are connected to a central alarm box over here.

And if, by chance, the room becomes uninhabitable for the wine,

grape guard's swap team would be immediately alerted.

What is a swap team?

Ah!

Spirits, wines, aperitifs protection.

And, should we be unable to reach you by telephone,

our concerned oenologists would be dispatched

to remedy the situation.

Is that light supposed to be flashing on and off like that, Cecil?

Just as a slight aside, Mr. Hart,

I would rather prefer "sess-ill."

And yes, indeed, that light should be lighted.

And, for your sake, I hope it is.

For that is your auxiliary power indicator.

Oh, you have your own generator?

Well, it is your generator now, Mrs. Hart.

And please understand, and it's very important, that should your power fail,

your cooling system would fail,

and then what would happen to your precious children?

It will become very important to you.

Your backup generator would automatically switch on,

and our office would be notified.

I'm, uh, trying to think what more I should tell you!

Ah.

Darling?

Oh, well, I don't think there's any more we need to know.

Bottoms up. Bottoms up, indeed.

Well, now that Cecil's gone... ah, ah. "Sess-ill."

We can have some lunch.

Wonderful! I'm starving.

What have we got for lunch, Max?

Max, what's the matter?

Remember that ad I answered last year looking for a pen pal?

Yes, and you got one. What was her name, Elizabeth?

Elizabeth tisdale.

Living happily in New York and too afraid to fly

to grab a plane to come out and see me.

And what's wrong?

I forgot about the train.

Mr. H., I gotta get out of town.

Maybe I could take my vacation early.

What's the problem, Max?

She's going to be very unpleasantly surprised,

surprised that I don't own this house,

that I don't own the Rolls-Royce,

and that you're not serving me lunch.

I invented a few little things to impress her.

Listen... Don't say it, Mr. H.

I'm stupid enough as it is.

But Elizabeth has this big house in New York and an entire staff to service her.

I thought I'd be boring

unless I invented a few little things about myself.

Tell her I'm in the hospital, in quarantine.

Max, you can't run away from things forever.

Quarantine won't work. She'll wait.

Tell her I passed away unexpectedly.

Nothing serious. [Sighs]

I was happy. I just went to sleep quietly one night and didn't wake up.

When is she due?

When is she due, Max?

In an hour.

An hour! An hour!

Well, I made my noose.

I guess I'll have to hang in it.

Um...

Maybe not.

The last time I felt like this, Mr. H.,

I was explaining that my losses at Santa Anita

were a business deduction.

[Jonathan] You'll do fine, Max.

[Doorbell rings]

Hello. I'm Elizabeth tisdale.

Yes.

Please, come in.

Elizabeth. Max.

[Max] Your picture doesn't do you justice.

I was just about to say the same thing to you.

Uh...

My luggage. Oh, sure, I'll get it...

I'll take care of that, sir.

Perhaps miss tisdale would like to have some refreshments,

after her long journey. I'll take care of her things.

Oh, thanks, uh, uh, Jonathan.

That's a good idea.

How about you and I having a little cocktail?

How was your trip?

Oh. Confining.

Somehow, train travel isn't quite as romantic as you'd like it to be.

Oh, I love your place.

It's so homey.

Yeah, I think of all my properties, I like this the best.

Oh, yes.

Here, Elizabeth. Thank you.

Sir, is there anything you need?

I'm not sure, Mrs. H... uh, Jennifer.

Jennifer, this is miss tisdale.

Elizabeth, Jennifer.

Nice to meet you.

Ma'am.

Dinner in an hour?

That'll be fine, Jennifer.

Very good. Thank you.

Oh, you're very lucky.

Good servants are almost impossible to come by.

I let them know that at least once a day.

[Chuckles] Oh, how nice.

To you.

To us.

How is it going? It seems to be going okay.

[Buzzing]

Oh!

[Buzzing continues]

I win. It's the dining room.

[Buzzing]

You rang, sir?

[Buzzing]

You rang, sir?

Oh.

I have to keep reminding myself that this was our idea...

No, it was your idea.

Mine?

[Buzzing]

Darling, can I help you?

Yes. You could type up our references.

[Buzzing]

You rang, sir?

Finished, Elizabeth?

Yes, thank you.

You can clear, Jonathan.

Sir.

Oi.

How is the dessert coming?

Are they finished? They must have been starving!

They hardly touched their meat. Didn't they like the roast?

What? Oh, no. I'm sure that they liked it very much.

It's just that I maybe had been a little over-generous with the carving.

And also, the soup was very filling.

It was consommé.

Well, maybe that new butcher gave us a bad cut.

You know, a cheaper piece of meat.

No, no. No, no. I got the same cut I always get.

Everything was identical. I made it just the way you like it. Here.

You have a taste of it.

You tell me what you think.

There you go. What do you think?

Just like always.

Ah! Good. Aren't you a little...

Over-dressed in that with the... Oh.

Oh. I'll take it off.

Now, darling...

You know...

I'm a...

I'm a secure and reasonably capable woman, am I not?

You're more than capable, darling. Oh.

How's the dessert coming?

And you know my entire life's happiness does not depend

on whether or not you like my roast.

Of course not.

So you can be perfectly honest with me.

You can tell me if there is anything that isn't exactly...

Four-star about the meat. You can be perfectly... It's perfect.

It's perfect. Honestly.

I mean, I look forward to Max's night out of the kitchen.

Really.

Oh, good.

Well, I'm just gonna put a little more cream on top of this.

Is the coffee ready?

If I was going to say anything, I would say that...

Perhaps it was a touch too much tarragon.

Oh?

Well. Thank you.

Well, what I mean is...

It's too much if you're not expecting it.

If you were warned ahead of time, you might... you...

[Plates crashing]

It's nothing, just the dishwasher cycling.

My apologies, sir.

There'll be a slight delay before the dessert is served.

That's fine, Jonathan.

Oh, Jonathan.

Tell Jennifer she put too much tarragon in the beef again.

[Jonathan] Gee, darling, it's been a long time

since we've been in Max's room.

Oh. I'm exhausted.

Me, too.

[Groans]

How long is Elizabeth staying?

I don't know, but I hope she goes soon.

Good night. Good night.

[Freeway barking]

[Freeway growling]

[Whimpering]

Don't worry, pooch. You'll be fine in the morning.

[Snoring]

Shh.

Frank, what are you doing here?

I just came by to see how my favorite aunt was doing.

How are you, auntie El?

I wanna know how you found me.

You know, you really shouldn't leave your personal mail lying around.

I mean, anyone could read it.

[Elizabeth] But not everyone would.

Look, I don't know why you're here,

but we can't talk now.

Please...

Please leave.

So you really landed a big one.

And that, I suppose, is...

Explains why you're here.

Are you kidding?

Auntie El, look around. I mean, this little pen pal of yours...

He's loaded.

Get out of here!

Not until I get what I came for.

Yes, get me the police.

[Sighs]

Go ahead.

But remember,

we both have something to hide.

Yes, I want to report a break-in.

I'm at, um...

I'm not kidding.

I need money.

You're in trouble again.

Nothing a small fortune in gold and silver

and paintings wouldn't cure.

But you see...

I'm more honest than you are.

I'd rather steal a fortune than marry one.

Get out of here. Now!

Oh, uh, I forgot my jacket.

Hold this.

Sometimes, it's hard to believe that you and I are related.

Don't you come back here, frank.

Good morning, Max. Hi.

How'd you sleep?

Oh, like a baby.

Hey, I'm impressed.

Eggs Max. I make them all the time.

Really?

I would have thought your servants would prepare breakfast for you.

Well, um, yeah, sure, but they had a very tough day.

I always let them sleep late.

You let your servants sleep late? Yeah.

Well...

That's very generous.

Well, as I always say,

"a happy domestic is a productive domestic."

[Chuckles] Yes, well...

As long as it doesn't get out of hand.

[Elizabeth sighs]

Oh, Max!

We're alone.

Give me a cup of coffee, please. Right in the vein.

Yeah, sure, Jennifer.

[Yawning] I'm so tired.

Did you get the paper this morning?

Max!

Generosity is one thing...

But this is socialism.

Oh...

Uh... miss... ma'am.

Did you sleep well?

I hope you realize how lucky you are

to be employed by a man like this.

Not many employers would allow their servants

to just walk into a room and order breakfast.

Oh, I didn't order.

Uh, I hinted. [Chuckles]

You've never tasted Jennifer's coffee.

We have a deal.

I don't dust the furniture and she doesn't go near the coffee.

I don't go near it. [Chuckles]

Now, Jennifer,

Elizabeth and I will have breakfast on the patio.

Very good, sir.

I'll be right with you.

Darling, you've spent 10 minutes on that side.

The last time I was making beds, they came by and bounced a quarter off them. Here.

Try it. Go ahead.

See what I mean? [Clears throat]

Well, I don't think you have to worry, darling. Elizabeth wasn't in the Navy.

Darling, did Max move the revere candlesticks?

The last time I saw them, they were right over there.

Maybe Max moved them.

Why would he do that?

Well, this is the last of it.

Darling, you haven't seen my emerald ring, have you?

I put it right there when I took it off last night.

No, it's not over here.

Well, it can't just have disappeared.

I wouldn't have misplaced a thing like that.

Maybe you left it in Max's room.

No, I wouldn't have left it in Max's room, darling.

I took it off and put it right up there last night.

Why would you leave your emerald ring out here in the first place?

Because I was washing dishes last night and I took it...

Why are we arguing?

All of a sudden, things are disappearing, ever since Elizabeth got here.

[Giggles]

I want some champagne.

[Exhales] Ah.

[Moaning] [Giggles]

[Screams]

Maybe I should have knocked.

Tony.

Tony, uh...

I was... look, frank, no.

Look, I don't like to mix business with pleasure.

Or I guess I should say, business with business.

I'll wait in the living room.

Hey, this is a private suite. I could call hotel security. Shh.

Why don't you go lock yourself up in the bathroom?

It's okay, honey. It's okay.

Tony, Tony, you should have told me you were coming into town.

No, I mean it. I did try to call you...

I know. I know. These things happen. Something came up.

But, Tony, what I wanted to tell you was that

I'm working on this really big money deal here. I'm gonna pay you back...

I can tell, frank.

I mean, what's this place going for, 200, 300 a night, yeah?

No, what, are you kidding?

I mean, you've come up a long ways since New York.

If you're not careful, you're gonna go down a few feet.

Tony, Tony, please.

Now, listen to me.

It's my aunt, she's got this boyfriend.

He's some bel air millionaire.

I mean, you gotta see this guy's house. It's worth a fortune...

I'm not here to house hunt, frank.

No, Tony, listen to me.

There's all kinds of stuff in there we can fence.

Overnight.

And my aunt, I mean, she's got this old guy wrapped around her little finger.

Does this old guy live alone? No.

Uh, two servants. One man, one woman.

We go in, it's a two-hour job. We clean it out.

And I'll pay you back everything I owe you.

I swear to god.

What do you say?

I say that, uh...

You just bought yourself a couple more days.

Thank you, Tony. Thank you.

But, you've got to be realistic about this, Frankie.

Because you can't run away from me. I wasn't planning to.

Or else you're gonna die trying.

[Elizabeth] Oh, thank you, Max, I had such a wonderful day.

I'm glad.

Oh, I don't know about you,

but with all the eating, and the shopping, and the excitement,

I'm really bushed.

I'm happy that you had such a good time.

You know, Max. Your letters were always so warm and special.

But you're so much more than that.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Go on.

Uh... [clears throat]

Excuse me, sir.

What is it, Jonathan?

If there's nothing else?

There's nothing for you two.

Good night.

That'll be all, thank you.

Uh, sir?

Could we have a word with you in the kitchen?

It won't take a moment.

I'll see you in the morning.

Good night.

Sorry, Max, but it can't wait.

I don't understand it, Mr. H.

Why would a woman like Elizabeth swipe things she could buy?

People steal for a lot of different reasons, Max.

Sometimes it's just to get attention.

She's getting lots of attention.

Max, no one else has been in the house.

I really think you're gonna have to ask her.

What can I say, Mr. H.?

"There are a lot of things missing around the house,

and, uh, we've been wondering maybe you swiped them?"

You don't have to put it that way, Max.

I know this is going to be difficult,

but really...

[Sighs]

Okay. I'll do it. But I'll handle it my way.

I think I can check things out without her ever knowing.

We'll see you in the morning.

Sure. Thanks.

Oh, by the way.

Uh, I'm taking Elizabeth out to the harness races tomorrow night.

I'd appreciate it if one of you could see that the car was washed before then.

Come on. Take it easy on that.

You've got a big week ahead of you.

Tell me about this alarm.

It's already out.

It wasn't easy, though.

This old man, he's got an alarm system that's unbelievable.

I rigged the indicator light

to make it look like it's still working.

What about the front gate?

No problem, I'll take care of that from the inside.

By the time you get there, it'll all be done.

I'm impressed, Frankie.

It just goes to show what you can do

when your life hangs in the balance.

Now...

I usually don't take such an exposed position when collecting my debts.

And, uh, what that means is, I don't like to get, uh...

I don't want to get traced to this.

No, no, no. Wait a minute.

If it's my aunt you're worried about,

she won't talk.

And the old man and the help, they won't be no problem.

Oh, I know that.

Because by the time anybody finds out where they're buried,

they're not gonna be in any condition to do any talking.

Well, hello, again.

I hope I didn't disturb you? Oh, no.

Look, uh, Jennifer and Jonathan are asleep.

We've got the place all to ourselves.

Yes?

How about you and I sneaking down...

And getting some hot cocoa?

Oh.

That would be nice.

Oh, I forgot something in my room.

Would you please go and put on the milk?

I'll be right down. Oh, sure.

But don't be too long.

Two shakes.

[Freeway barking]

Hello, freeway.

I bet you'd like a treat.

You know what? When Max and I went shopping today,

we got something just for you.

[Barks]

I tell you what. You wait here and I'll go up and get it.

And then we'll all have our own little late-night party. Okay?

[Barking]

I'll be right back.

Max, how nice.

Let's just be careful not to wake the servants.

Trust me, Mr. H., she's okay. I had a good chance to check things out.

If she'd taken anything, it would be in her room.

Well, I'm happy about that, Max, but...

Good morning, ma'am.

Good morning.

I hope everybody slept well.

I know I did.

Am I interrupting something?

No, it's just a little domestic problem.

Some things are missing from the house.

Oh?

I know I should have said something before, but...

I was sure frank would listen to me.

I'm sorry, Max. It's all my fault.

No, it's my fault.

I let things go too far.

Elizabeth, in all my letters... [Crashing]

Hello, auntie El.

I finally get to meet some of your friends.

I know you're a lot of things, frank...

But I didn't think you were stupid.

It's dead.

[Gun firing]

If you throw that right, you better make it good.

'Cause it'll be your last.

Go ahead.

You stop wasting my time, okay?

Now, you've got money in here. Where is it?

You can consider your options.

There's no alarm and no phones.

The only thing that still works is this.

[Groans]

[Shuddered breaths]

I only got 50 bucks.

Look, pop, don't be stupid. Tell him where the money is.

I'll handle this.

Now, you've got a safe here.

Where is it?

Look, you guys don't know where you are.

This is Los Angeles.

You use credit cards.

Who needs cash?

I'll tell you where it is.

I'm listening.

First, we make a deal.

I'm tired of taking care of a fat cat like that.

Now, just a minute.

Caring after a man who hides his money, who could get us all killed.

We make a deal.

We split what we find, huh?

You let me and my wife go.

I don't care what happens to them.

Untie them.

I'll put my aunt and him upstairs.

You've signed my death warrant, Jonathan.

You're the man with all the money.

Maybe you could buy yourself a new life.

The safe's in the wine cellar?

The old man's smart.

Who would think to look down here?

Look at this.

There must be a fortune in wine down here.

The safe's probably behind one of these wall racks.

What do you mean, "probably"? I thought you knew.

You don't think the old man scrooge would leave me a blueprint. Do you?

All I know is, he would come down here with his cash

and when he came back upstairs, he would have a smug look on his face.

Got a match?

No.

It's back in here.

Well then, you'd better start moving bottles.

I could use a hand.

Help him.

Max, I'm sorry.

This is all my fault.

You can't blame yourself, Elizabeth.

Yes, I can.

Max... I lied to you.

Elizabeth, listen...

No, please, let me say this.

You know when I put my ad in that magazine...

I wanted to meet someone just like you.

Only I thought I had to be someone just like you.

I don't have any servants.

I don't have a townhouse on central park west.

[Scoffs] I'm only a cook.

I have a small savings account

and a rotten conscience.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Max.

You have every right to hate me.

I have no right at all, Elizabeth.

I gotta tell you something, too.

When I read your ad, I wanted to impress you.

So, I stretched things a little.

I'm no millionaire. I just work for one.

I'm only a cook, just like you.

[Both laughing]

Hey, that's neat.

So we both lied.

It's dead.

My god! We gotta hurry, man!

The pommards are fragile!

Go, man, go!

Well, what do I know? Maybe it's over there.

You've got about a second to come up with a better story.

[Cecil] Mr. Hart!

[Screaming]

Oh, my god! Those are my children!

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

No, no, not the chateau kirwan!

Take the chablis.

[Jennifer screaming]

Darling.

[Cecil] Mr. Hart, please, the children.

They've been bumped and jostled.

And all this confusion will upset them.

We survived it, they will.

Oh, Mr. Hart, you don't understand.

The wine never forgets.

[Corks popping]

Well, that did it for Cecil.

Sess-ill.

Champagne?

Oh, don't mind if I do.

Ah.

[Laughs]

Cheers, darling.

[Jonathan] To downstairs, upstairs.

Cheers.

Mmm.

At least the champagne didn't go to waste.

Did you get Elizabeth settled in her hotel?

Yeah, thanks, Mrs. H. We might go to the beach tomorrow.

Okay if I take the day off?

Oh, sure, Max.

Well, it's nice to see that you two can take care of house on your own.

Nearly as good as I can.

Come on, freeway. Three's a crowd.

[Barking]

I didn't know we were that convincing.

Nah, you really looked cute in that maid's uniform.

[Laughs] Oh, you think so? Uh-huh.

With that little feather duster...

Well, you looked pretty cute in your white gloves. Mmm.

Smile when you say that, ma'am. Smile...

Hmm.

What is it?

Nothing, darling.

It was fine.

No bells? No fireworks?

Oh, no, no. It was perfect.

Really perfect.

Darling, honestly, you can say anything you want to me.

I won't be offended. [Stammers]

Oh, I got it.

Too much tarragon.

[Laughing]

[♪♪]