Original subtitles

[Max] This is my boss,

Jonathan hart, a self-made millionaire.

He's quite a guy.

This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.

She's one lady who knows how to take care of herself.

By the way, my name is Max.

I take care of both of them,

which ain't easy, 'cause when they met,

it was murder.

[Theme music playing]

[Barks]

It has something to do with the water.

Maybe it's the ambience.

Bagels just don't seem to thrive as well

in Los Angeles.

- Cream cheese. - Mmm.

And lox.

Are you guys gonna catch the new Neil Simon play?

Not tonight, Max.

There's a musical here. It sounds pretty hot.

We'll have to wait till it cools off.

You mean you guys aren't even gonna see one play?

Only the one we're going to appear in, Max.

You think the big apple is ready for a bunch of amateur actors?

It is for charity, Max.

[Max] I remember last year's show.

Let's hope the audience is charitable.

[Chuckles]

Oh. Your director, Elliot bauman, called.

Says he expects you at the theater at 7:00.

Where are you going?

To New York's best attraction.

The statue of Liberty?

No. Off-track betting.

You? You've been sending the flowers?

They're lovely. You're lovely.

Please, Eleanor, I love you.

I can't.

I told you before,

I just don't have those kind of feelings for you.

You love him,

but he doesn't love you.

It wouldn't matter.

He's just filling you with lies.

He has no feelings for you.

He's done it with others.

Look, I know how you feel.

But I can't change the way I feel.

What are you doing?

If I can't share your love...

[Eleanor screaming]

[Jonathan] Is it 7:00?

[Jennifer] On the dot.

Well, where's Elliot?

Max did say to meet him at the theater, didn't he?

Uh-huh.

Well, we'll give him a few minutes.

[Door handle rattles]

Why don't we wait in here?

After you.

Elliot!

[Jonathan] Look at this.

[Jennifer] Oh!

I remember her.

[Click]

Did you ever see her perform?

Yes, I did. I saw her about ten years ago inpygmalion.

It was a few years before she died.

Oh.

She certainly was beautiful, wasn't she?

[Jonathan] And a marvelous performer as well.

I wonder if Elliot's backstage.

Oh.

Oh, there is something about an empty theater.

It reminds me of when I played captain safety

in the second grade.

How so?

Nobody came.

[Chuckling]

- My darling. - Oh, thank you very much.

[Sighs]

This is a really famous stage.

All the Broadway greats have performed here.

Ooh.

Imagine all those people sitting in all those seats

looking at us.

You are beginning to make me nervous.

Oh, you'll be fine, darling.

Oh? What makes you think so?

Because you're so cute.

- Hmm. - [Giggles]

[Door creaks]

Maybe that's Elliot.

- Mrs. Hart. - Ah!

Oh. [Sighs]

Oh.

I'm Mr. Perry. I'm with the theater.

Oh, I was just, uh...

Uh, I know, Mrs. Hart.

This is my husband, Jonathan. This is Mr. Perry.

- How do you do? - Hello.

I... I guess I'm still the proverbial theater mouse.

I move too quietly.

Anyway, Elliot bauman called to say

that he would have to meet you at his place.

That's all the way across town.

Ah, the life of an actor.

Always at the disposal of the director.

Right.

I'm sorry I interrupted your performance, Mrs. Hart.

Ah. Please.

Good night.

- Good night. - Good night.

[Elliot] You sure you don't want anything?

[Jennifer] Positive. [Jonathan] Nothing. Thanks.

I started early.

I don't know how I let you two talk me

into another annual charity benefit.

I feel like the captain of the hindenburg.

Elliot. It can't be that bad.

Are you kidding me? Look at this.

Yesterday it was like this.

Amateurs make me crazy.

You're already crazy, Elliot. Everybody knows that.

And we've known you too long for you to hide it.

Now what's the real problem?

Oh, I feel a 50-minute hour coming on.

All right, doc.

I mean, docs.

I'll tell you the truth.

It's the theater.

I was there today, an hour early,

and I couldn't go in because

too many memories.

What kind of memories?

I haven't set foot in that theater

since Eleanor macklin died.

I was directing her in garrick's gaieties

just before it happened.

For five years we've been using the morosco.

Why now, all of a sudden, the lettinger?

Well, for one thing, it's twice the size,

and we can make double the money.

And, Elliot, it is for needy children.

Oh, please, now you're gonna torture me

with images of hungry children?

They are not images, Elliot.

All right. Okay. For the kids.

[Scoffs]

And for the kids, I will even suffer

the greatest fear of any director...

Raquel moskowitz.

[Chuckle]

Raquel moskowitz's husband donated $20,000.

And, as I recall,

you handled her very well last year.

All right, as long as I'm exorcizing all my demons,

then why don't we go for broke with the closing number?

Meaning?

"I'll take Manhattan."

That's the number I was rehearsing her in

before it happened.

We never got to do it.

It was gonna be her showstopper.

So let's use it.

We're gonna try that?

Why not?

Anything so that Elliot can survive the amateurs.

- [Jonathan and Elliot chuckle] - That's right.

Fun and games. Taunt me.

For you, oh, it's just fun.

For me, this is down, dirty, and serious business.

[Piano playing]

♪ We're a couple of swells ♪

♪ we stop at the best hotels ♪

♪ but we prefer the country ♪

♪ far away from the city smells ♪

♪ we're a couple of sports ♪

♪ the pride of the tennis courts ♪

♪ in June, July, and August ♪

♪ we look cute when we're dressed in shorts ♪

♪ The vanderbilts have asked us up for tea ♪

♪ we don't know how to get there, no, siree ♪

♪ we would drive up the Avenue ♪

♪ but we haven't got the price ♪

♪ we would skate up the Avenue ♪

♪ but there isn't any ice ♪

♪ we would ride on a bicycle ♪

♪ but we haven't got a bike ♪

♪ so we'll walk up the Avenue ♪

♪ yes, we'll walk up the Avenue ♪

♪ and to walk up the Avenue's what we like ♪

Ha, ha.

♪ Wall street bankers are we ♪

♪ with plenty of currency ♪

♪ we'd open up the safe ♪

♪ but we forgot where we put the key ♪

♪ We're the favorite lads ♪

♪ of girls in the picture ads ♪

♪ we'd like to tell you who we kissed last night ♪

♪ but we can't be cads ♪

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

♪ The vanderbilts are waiting at the club ♪

♪ but how are we to get there? ♪

♪ That's the rub ♪

♪ we would sail up the Avenue ♪

♪ but we haven't got a yacht ♪

♪ we would drive up the Avenue ♪

♪ but the horse we had was shot ♪

♪ we would ride on a trolley car ♪

♪ but we haven't got the fare ♪

♪ so we'll walk up the Avenue ♪

♪ yes, we'll walk up the Avenue ♪

♪ yes, we'll walk up the Avenue ♪

♪ till we're there ♪

♪ till we're there ♪

♪ till we're there ♪

♪ till we're there ♪

Ah.

♪ Till we're there ♪

[Panting]

[Vocalizing finale]

Yes! Terrific! Terrific!

Now, remind me,

I'll drop names at barnum & Bailey.

Ah-ah!

Whoo!

Not bad. Not bad.

[Chuckles]

Who's the next charity case?

Moskowitz, Raquel.

Aah! Tranquilizer, quick.

Elliot.

I hope this year

we don't have a problem with the musicians.

Last year, the piano player was flat.

Raquel, you've got it.

Tommy is as sharp as they come.

You'll have to transpose my chart.

I got it from Liza minnelli.

But, uh, it's a little out of my range.

- Singing is out of her range. - [Piano playing]

♪ What good is sitting alone in your room? ♪

♪ Come hear the music play ♪

♪ life is a cabaret, old chum ♪

♪ come to the cabaret ♪

- I'll change and meet you upstairs. - [Sniffs]

Do you smell something?

[Sniffs] Lavender?

Lots of lavender.

I'll have Mr. Perry air out the room for ya.

Hey, you were swell.

- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.

- So were you. - Mm.

[Laughing]

[Jennifer sighs]

Oh...

- Hi. - Hi.

- [Chatter] - Point your toes, girls.

- Hey, Jennifer. - [Laughing]

Thank you, darling. It's lovely.

You're welcome. Where did you get it?

Well, I thought you gave it to me.

Excuse me. Was that orchid in your dressing room?

Yes. Why?

How much do you know about Eleanor macklin?

Not very much.

Only that she was a prominent actress

and she died a few years ago.

In this theater, in her dressing room,

which is now your dressing room, to be exact.

What's your point, Alan?

Well, rumors are that Eleanor still hangs around,

going bump in the night.

- Oh. - Well, there's rumors

that every theater is haunted by someone,

isn't that so?

True.

But did you know that before each performance,

Eleanor had an interesting habit?

She would, uh, bring a freshly-cut orchid

into her dressing room.

Well, Alan, since you know so much about it,

why don't you take this?

Eh, make jokes. Mr. Perry, you've worked for this theater long enough.

Uh, you ever hear Eleanor go whistling down the corridor?

It's a theater.

I think the walls are full of strange things.

For Eleanor macklin,

only thing she left was memories.

Jennifer just found this in her dressing room.

Yeah, well, uh,

she was supposed to be fond of orchids.

Orchids and, uh,

lavender perfume.

You've been sending the flowers?

They're lovely.

Please, Eleanor, I love you.

- I can't. - You love him,

but he doesn't love you.

It wouldn't matter.

He's just filling you with lies.

He has no feelings for you.

He's done it with others.

Look, I know how you feel.

But I can't change the way I feel.

What are you doing?

If I can't share your love...

[Eleanor screaming]

[Click]

[Jennifer] Oh, I remember her.

Did you ever see her perform?

[Jonathan] Yes. I saw her inpygmalion

about, uh, ten years ago.

- It was a few years before she died. - Oh.

She certainly was beautiful, wasn't she?

Eleanor...

Must you die again?

[Jonathan] On the St. Louis team,

we have who's on first, what's on second.

I don't know is on third.

"Well, then who's playing first?"

- Yes. - "I mean the fellow's name on first base."

- Who. - "The fellow playing first base for St. Louis."

- Who. - "The guy on first base."

Who is on first.

What are you asking me for?

Here you are, folks. A little fortification.

Ah, thanks, Max.

I didn't realize that comedy could make you so thirsty.

What do you think of our routine?

I'm sorry, Mrs. H. I wasn't paying attention.

What were you doing?

"Who's on first."

Huh? Uh, I don't know.

Uh, I don't know.

He's on third.

Oh.

Who's on first?

Yes.

Yeah, sure. Who's on first?

That's right.

Come on, Mrs. H.

What's the name of the guy on first base?

No, what's on second.

Who?

- He's on first. - He's on first.

Yeah, sure. And they say L.A. makes you crazy.

[Both laughing]

[Woman over speakers] Elliot.

Elliot.

I love you, Elliot.

I love you.

Elliot.

[Knock on door]

Coming.

Oh, Elliot, come on in.

Uh, co-ed dressing rooms, huh?

- [Jonathan and Jennifer laugh] - But make sure management doesn't find out.

Elliot, anything wrong? You don't look too well.

Well, what's worse is that I look better than I feel.

The finale's coming along just great.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Sure, if I can just survive this theater.

[Laughs nervously] I...

I am starting to hear things.

Do you know that there are a lot of people

who think that Eleanor killed herself because of me?

Oh, I don't think that...

You don't have to say anything because I don't feel responsible.

I mean, I...

I guess it's just all catching up, that's all.

Eleanor thought that she was in love with me, okay?

- Was she? - No!

She was an actress.

She was passionate for the moment.

It was an infatuation.

And I was trying to be supportive.

I was just giving her strokes.

All of what I was doing,

my feelings were perfectly professional.

[Sighs]

Just my luck, huh? Old ghosts.

And that's all they are, Elliot, ghosts.

But...

As far as luck is concerned, we're not gonna have any

if we don't go upstairs and rehearse.

Oh, and thank you for the flowers, Elliot.

They're beautiful.

That was very nice of you, Elliot.

It really brightened up her day.

Oh, I'm really glad to hear that.

There's only one hitch.

I didn't send them.

["You take Manhattan" playing on piano]

[Chorus vocalizing]

[Off-key] ♪ and tell me what street ♪

♪ compares with mott street ♪

♪ in July ♪

♪ sweet pushcarts gently gliding by ♪

♪ the great big city's a wondrous toy ♪

♪ just made for a girl and boy ♪

♪ we'll turn Manhattan ♪

♪ into a an isle ♪

♪ of joy ♪

All right! All right!

Please stop! Stop! I confess.

Raquel, my darling, my dear heart!

This is supposed to be singing and dancing, not burlesque!

I'm singing and dancing!

You call that singing and dancing?

Singing's done with the voice,

dancing done with the feet!

- Very funny! - Funny? Oh...

I'll have you know I studied professionally.

I had five years of improvisational dance!

You should get five years for your improvisational dancing.

- I don't have to listen to this! - No, you don't!

- I don't have to take this! - No, you don't!

I can go where I'm appreciated!

Go! Go! Oh, and find yourself a runway!

- Um, uh, Elliot. - What?

This is a charity performance.

I don't care what it is. It's supposed to be done...

Don't you think you're getting a little carried away?

I wish somebody would carry me away,

because I don't know what the hell I'm doing here

trying to make you all look good!

You're hopeless! You're amateurs!

I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna get myself a drink,

and then I'll kill myself!

[Mumbling]

Oh, it's just a little blow-up.

He probably won't even make it out of the theater.

Why don't we call it quits for tonight?

And we'll get together in the morning, all right?

- Sounds good. - Okay.

Good night. See you.

- Good night. - Good night.

- Good night, Mark. - See you, Don.

Good night.

Well, I thought you handled it very well.

Uh, thanks. But Raquel was taking most of the fire.

Elliot's fire?

It's all done with mirrors.

I'm sure the two of them will both be back.

Yeah, I think so.

I'm gonna talk to Elliot. He's right down the hall.

- I'll pick you up in a few minutes. - Okay.

Eleanor,

you know, I think you ought to change your perfume.

Lavender is a bit passe.

Jonathan!

- Oh! - Darling.

- What is it? - I think these ghost stories are getting to me.

I just thought I saw Eleanor macklin's face

staring back at me in that mirror.

What is this, catching?

It's too bizarre.

Maybe we ought to just go out to dinner

and get out of this theater for a minute.

I think that's a great idea. And I tell you what.

Something more bizarre, I'll pay for dinner.

Oh, that is bizarre.

[Elliot] All right! All right!

Please stop it! I confess!

Oh, Raquel, my dear, dear heart!

You know, this is supposed to be singing and dancing, not burlesque.

[Raquel] I am singing and dancing!

[Elliot] No, my dear.

Singing is done with the voice.

Dancing's done with the feet! Very funny!

Funny. I'll have you know I studied professionally.

I had five years of improvisational dance!

You should get five years for your improvisational dancing.

I don't have to listen to this! No, you don't!

I don't have to take this! I can go where I'm appreciated!

Go! Go! Go! Go! And find yourself a runway!

[Jonathan] Elliot. What?

Charity performance. I know what it is, but i...

getting carried away.

I wish somebody would carry me away.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing here

trying to make you all look good,

because you're amateurs, you are hopeless.

I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna get myself a drink,

and then I'll kill myself!

It's already been arranged, Elliot.

Somehow you all look better, now that I'm on the stage.

[Laughter]

Well, I guess this is what we call

the fail-safe point, folks.

Tomorrow night is dress rehearsal.

And if you don't fail, then I will be safe.

[Laughter]

Actually, you've all taken a lot of flak from me,

and that alone shows what good stuff you're made of.

And you're a very good company, too.

Anyway,

I think that you have really been terrific,

and I think you all

really should be very proud of yourselves for...

[circuit scrambling]

[All screaming]

Get that circuit breaker.

[Woman screams]

[Chatter]

Jonathan?

Somebody better call an ambulance.

More flowers?

Hey, listen, there's nothing gonna be left for my funeral.

You're supposed to save up for the finale, nurse.

Elliot, you should be happy

that people are concerned about you.

Sure. Producers, backers, and actors.

Please, tell everybody I'm fine.

You weren't so fine last night.

Well, I heal quickly. I'm a director.

Which reminds me. Jonathan,

somebody has to step in

and get this show off the ground.

Why did you start that last sentence

with my name?

Because you're the perfect man for the job.

I heard how well you handled everybody

after my little outburst the other day.

Uh, the last thing that I directed

was a tourist who was headed for rockefeller center.

Who's talking about directing?

To direct, you need extraordinary talent.

You supervise. You flatter Raquel.

Things like that.

The show's got its own momentum. It'll fly.

That's what they said about the spruce goose.

And it got off the ground, didn't it?

It got off the ground.

Well. Look. What you have to do

is you have to nod a lot

and say things like "terrific" and "ciao."

Now you got the trade secret.

Please don't argue with me. I'm not well.

- You're the director. - [Chuckles]

You take care of yourself, Elliot.

Thank you.

- Take it easy. - Yes.

And if I vanish, please tell somebody,

look for me behind the flower pots.

[Laughs]

Ohh.

[Raquel, off-key] ♪ and as for me ♪

♪ and as for me ♪

♪ I made my mind up ♪

♪ back in Chelsea ♪

♪ when I go ♪

- ♪ I'm going like Elsie ♪ - [Piano plays sour note]

Can't you get that right?

[Sighs]

Amateurs!

Can't we have some professionals around here?

If no one can play the music,

then maybe we ought to forget it!

Uh, Raquel.

Raquel, I need your help.

These people don't have your experience,

your talent.

So would you help me set an example? Hmm?

[Raquel] Well, maybe I could take it from the top.

Let them think that, uh,

they're helping, hmm?

Look, it's just a little flat note.

I know how sloppy my charts can be.

Now that's the pro speaking.

Would you, uh, try to get it right this time?

[Off-key] ♪ and as for me ♪

♪ and as for me... ♪

You certainly know how to handle temperamental talent.

- I'm used to it. - [Raquel] Would you like to take that over again?

- Oh? - Hmm.

You'd better get ready for the finale.

- ♪ And as for me ♪ - okay.

I owe you one.

♪ And as for me ♪

♪ I made my mind up ♪

♪ back in Chelsea when... ♪

I'll go over a few of my notes,

- and I'll meet you in the lobby. - Okay.

Mr. Perry?

Oh, uh...

Oh. I, uh...

I just wanted to wish you luck,

uh, before your opening tomorrow night.

Oh. Well, that's very kind of you. Thank you.

This, uh, used to be Eleanor's dressing room.

Oh, yes, yes. I've been made very well aware of that.

I knew her.

You did?

[Sighs]

It was a terrible tragedy.

Uh, Mr. Perry, I don't want to seem abrupt,

but I do have to change.

Uh...

Mrs. Hart...

Uh, maybe later, uh,

if you're not too busy, I mean, uh...

I have a collection,

a few memories of Eleanor,

and I thought, if you were interested,

well, uh, maybe, after the rehearsal,

well, I could make you a cup of tea, and

I could show you my collection.

Oh, that would be lovely.

The only thing is that I'm exhausted,

and I know my husband is,

and he expects that we'll be going home

straight after the rehearsal.

Maybe another time.

Yes, miss.

Uh, you have...

You have things to do.

I shouldn't have bothered you, Mrs. Hart.

Oh, it's no bother.

- Good night. - Good night.

[Exhales]

Why don't we stop playing these games?

Where are you?

Better yet,

who are you?

[Grunts]

Just a quiet

theater mouse.

All right, Eleanor, I hope you have a nice evening,

because I'm going home.

Is anybody there?

Hello?

[Jennifer] Jonathan?

[Doorknob rattling]

[Jonathan and Jennifer] ♪ we stop at the best hotels ♪

♪ but we prefer the country ♪

♪ far away from the city smells ♪

♪ we're a couple of sports ♪

♪ the pride of the tennis courts ♪

♪ in June, July, and August ♪

♪ we look cute when we're dressed in shorts ♪

♪ The vanderbilts have asked us... ♪

[Sighs] Mr. Perry, what's going on?

Hello.

Where's Mr. Perry?

There is no Mr. Perry.

My husband's waiting for me.

Husband?

You're so beautiful, Eleanor.

I'm not Eleanor.

Eleanor's dead.

I know.

I was just an assistant stage manager.

I wasn't good enough.

And you had to have him.

And he didn't love you.

When you smile, all my pain goes away.

I want you to smile...

Just for me.

You know, I've missed you.

And I've got a surprise for you.

[Alarm ringing]

Come on. Let me show you.

Now!

[Thumping]

Do you like the flowers?

They're your favorite.

Wha...

I think it's finally time to celebrate.

You cut it.

Look...

I'm not Eleanor, really.

She is dead.

You still love him, don't you?

[Jennifer] ♪ ...Club ♪

♪ but how are we to get there? ♪

♪ That's the rub ♪

♪ we would sail up the Avenue ♪

♪ but we haven't got a yacht ♪

♪ we would drive up the Avenue ♪

♪ but the horse we had was shot ♪

♪ we would ride on a trolley car ♪

♪ but we haven't got the fare ♪

♪ so we'll walk up the Avenue ♪

♪ yes, we'll walk up the Avenue ♪

♪ yes, we'll walk up the Avenue ♪

♪ till we're there ♪

♪ till we're there ♪

♪ till we're there ♪

♪ till we're there ♪

[Jennifer] Ah.

[Song ends]

[Jennifer] Why won't you believe me?

Why?

Why, Eleanor?

Am I so repulsive?

Am I so horrible?

Maybe you can't love me,

but why can't you let me love you?

All... all right.

I have been thinking about you

all these years.

Liar!

He's deceiving you!

No, don't. Don't.

You need help.

I can help you.

I need you.

I can't have you!

I just wanted to love you.

Aah!

[Music playing]

[Chorus vocalizing]

[Applause]

♪ We'll have Manhattan ♪

♪ the Bronx and staten island, too ♪

♪ it's lovely going through ♪

♪ the zoo ♪

♪ it's very fancy ♪

♪ on old Delancey street you know ♪

♪ the subway charms us so ♪

♪ when balmy breezes blow ♪

♪ to and fro ♪

♪ and tell me what street ♪

♪ compares with mott street in July? ♪

♪ Sweet pushcarts gently gliding by ♪

♪ the great big city's a wondrous toy ♪

♪ just made for a girl and boy ♪

♪ we'll turn Manhattan ♪

♪ into an isle of joy ♪

[Disco music playing]

[All vocalizing]

[Off-key] ♪ and tell me what street ♪

♪ compares with mott street in July? ♪

♪ Sweet pushcarts gently gliding by ♪

♪ the great big city's a wondrous toy ♪

♪ just made for a girl and boy ♪

♪ we'll turn Manhattan ♪

♪ into an isle ♪

♪ of joy ♪

[Applause]

[Audience cheering]

Hey, you're pretty good when the lights are on you.

I'm even better when the lights are off.

Ooh!

[Applause]

Oh!

[Laughs]