Original subtitles

[Max] This is my boss,

Jonathan hart,

a self-made millionaire.

He's quite a guy.

This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.

She's one lady who knows how to take care of herself.

By the way, my name is Max. I take care of both of them,

which ain't easy,

'cause when they met, it was murder.

[Theme music playing]

[Barks]

Max, what is that smell?

What is that you're cooking?

No peeking, Mrs. H. It's a surprise.

Oh. Well, may we have some coffee?

That's all right.

Delicacies of the middle east?

In honor of your pal king rashid.

He's on the front page today.

Oh. Really?

Look at that. "Mayor welcomes king rashid of allojla."

That's a nice picture of him, too, isn't it?

- Be good to see rashid again. - Yeah, it will.

Wait a minute.

What is this we're eating?

- What would you call it? - What does the book say it is?

Well, the nearest I can figure out,

the English translation is dried camel eggs.

I like my camel eggs sunny-side up, Max.

That's between you and the camel. Enjoy!

Enjoy.

Your majesty honors us with his presence.

Thank you, kasim.

- Leila, it is good to see you. - Your majesty.

[Rashid] Jennifer.

Jonathan. I'm so pleased you could come.

Rashid, nice to see you.

Welcome to Los Angeles.

Or has the mayor already done that?

Oh, he did,

but your welcome was sweeter and shorter.

Oh, forgive me. Mr. and Mrs. Hart,

kasim and Leila.

They are not only the consulate here

but also my trusted friends.

[Kasim] Shall we go in, your majesty?

I am concerned for your safety.

[Jonathan] Expecting trouble, rashid?

Not really.

There are some forces in my country

who would benefit if my rule became unstable.

And others object to his majesty dealing with the west,

with companies such as yours, Mr. Hart.

Yes, it is difficult to drag some people

into the 20th century when they are getting

rich in the 18th.

[Rashid chuckles] There have been some threats,

but I do not take them seriously. Come with me.

I have something to show you.

[Rashid] You have done well, kasim.

[Jennifer] Oh, these are beautiful things.

And irreplaceable.

Your majesty, the risk of bringing all these things...

The risks are worth taking, kasim. Come.

I have sent these exhibits so the American public can see

that there is more to us than camels and oil rigs.

Jonathan...

Here is the most beautiful piece of all.

Pride of my country,

the lion of the desert.

My badge of office.

We've seen pictures of it,

but they certainly haven't done it justice.

- Have they, darling? - Uh-uh.

Signature, "khaled the unifier".

For 1,000 years, my people have believed

that as long as this statue is in the possession

of the house of khaled,

so long will the house of khaled reign.

For which reason I've given you a first-rate security system,

which is useless, of course, until it is activated.

Please go ahead, kasim.

Please, step back.

And now, observe.

Step forward, Mrs. Hart.

[Alarm bell ringing]

As you can see,

a ring of pressure sensors is under the floor.

Linked to the door to trap any would-be thief.

[Rashid] But as you can see, it is merely a test.

Put down your guns.

Did you not hear me?

It is a false alarm.

I heard you, sire.

But this is no false alarm.

What do you want of me, akbar?

What only your death can provide.

I want many things.

A return to the old ways,

respect for authority.

You have betrayed our people for the last time.

You are not bright enough to speak of treason.

Then you will die at the hands of a fool,

your majesty.

- [Gunshot] - [Grunts]

I regret to say I killed him, sir.

You had to.

Otherwise, the fool would have killed me.

Now, we shall never know who sent him.

Maybe the police can find out.

If word of this gets out,

my country's image will be blackened. My mission...

[kasim] There's no need to involve the local authorities.

This consulate enjoys extraterritoriality.

Whatever happens here

is our concern.

Good.

Then we can proceed as planned.

You will be back tonight, of course.

A small party for a few very important people

before the official opening the day after tomorrow.

- Oh, darling. - I think, we've had enough excitement for one day, rashid.

I can assure you,

there will be no more extra added attractions.

Darling, do you think it's strange

that rashid never got married?

Well, he is running a country.

Maybe he never had time.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Darling. Mm-hmm?

If you weren't married to me,

who would you wanna be married to?

- If I weren't married to you? - Uh-huh.

If I weren't married to you, I'd wanna be married to you.

Oh, that's really sweet.

Mm. You look great.

Well, I haven't even gotten dressed yet.

- Oh, no, no, no. - Oh, come on.

- We don't even have time. - It would be terrific.

[Chuckles] Oh, god.

All right. Before the official opening,

I hope, you will feast your eyes

on my country's cultural treasures.

[People murmuring]

[Whispering] You have to come with me right now.

The dinner was magnificent, and I'm sure the exhibit

is gonna be a big success.

Thank you, Jennifer.

If your appeal for loans and technical assistance

is as successful as your artwork,

- I would say you are home free, rashid. - Ah.

Would you both excuse me? I just wanna go freshen up.

[Kasim] I told you not to come back again.

[Leila] My husband is right. You should not have returned.

It could be dangerous for all of us.

But especially for you, kasim,

if rashid sees a ghost.

[Leila] Particularly the ghost of his assassin.

Your return from the dead is untimely, Ali.

To say the least.

[Kasim] We had an agreement.

[Akbar] And I played my part.

Because of my death, you are now rashid's most trusted advisor

and in a perfect position to bring him down.

Get to the point.

The point is,

the price of my services have now gone up.

It's out of the question!

Calm yourself, kasim.

Everything is at stake now.

But in two short days,

rashid will be a powerless outcast.

Or dead.

A bargain at twice the cost.

Very well.

[Akbar] You are indeed generous, kasim.

Now, if you will leave, by the back stairs.

[Kasim] I hadn't planned to pay so much

of our limited resources for this faked death scene.

[Leila] Relax, my husband.

That was an insignificant price to pay someone

who created the disturbance

that permitted you to switch lions.

Now, kasim, you promised me.

Where is the real one? Huh?

[Gasps]

The lion of the desert.

The one they're viewing now is a fake.

The king responsible for the loss of the lion

can no longer be king.

I have arranged for art experts to be on hand

at the opening of the exhibit the day after tomorrow.

Perfect.

Then as soon as one of them notices

that there are no inscriptions on the bottom of the lion...

Inshallah.

It will be branded a fake.

The people of the desert will remember the legend,

and believe rashid is doomed.

And in the cities, he will be called a traitor.

- [Door closes] - [Leila] We need only wait.

Thank you very much. Nice to see you again.

[Piano playing]

- Hi, darling. - Jonathan.

Did you find the powder room?

Oh, yes. And I think I found a powder keg.

What?

Kasim and Leila have the real lion of the desert

hidden upstairs. This one's a fake.

What are you talking about?

It doesn't have the signature on the bottom.

It's all part of a plot to overthrow rashid.

And the assassin from this morning,

the one kasim killed, I just saw him upstairs,

very much alive.

Jonathan.

We better warn rashid.

Who understands the past, controls the future.

Uh, that's what we'd like to talk to you about, rashid.

Your future. Would you excuse us, please?

Business is business.

Is something wrong?

Very wrong.

Very.

It's about the lion of the desert.

Leila and kasim.

Jennifer saw Leila and kasim...

- Kasim... - [Jonathan] And...

And Leila.

There you are.

We both have enjoyed so much meeting you.

Especially you, kasim. You're a real hero.

Mrs. Hart,

many of his majesty's subjects would have done the same.

Oh, I doubt it.

Well, uh, considering that Leila and kasim have everything

well in hand, uh,

we'd love to spend some time with you, uh, rashid.

- Yes. - [Jonathan] At our house.

- Now. - Tonight.

You mean, leave my own party?

Why not? You've met everyone here.

Yes, and, after all, you've taken care

of all your affairs of state

and you deserve to relax with some friends.

Yes.

- Yes, I will do it. - Hmm.

Good.

Kasim should go with you, your majesty.

Without any doubt, after this morning's events.

But the events included the death of the assassin then.

Someone should be here to represent me.

Yes.

And who better than you? [Chuckles]

[Rashid] I have made up my mind, kasim.

You will say good night to my guests.

- Good night. - Good night.

Good night. Good night.

Good night.

[Rashid] Are you sure it was the same man?

I'm positive.

Kasim and Leila used the assassination

as a diversion

to replace the real lion of the desert with a fake.

They're sure an art expert will spot it

at the opening and you'll be blamed.

Blamed? I would be exiled.

Wh... where is the real lion?

In kasim's study.

I saw him showing it to Leila.

It must be put back.

Well, that's gonna be a little difficult,

considering that kasim and his staff

control the consulate.

You're right.

But somehow the lion must be put back where it belongs.

How?

I'm working on that.

I haven't figured it out yet, but, um, I'm working on it.

I worry about the harts.

What about that sudden invitation to the king?

They're old friends.

It means nothing, I'm... sure.

[Kasim] Hmm?

J.h.

Jennifer hart.

She... she must have just been outside this door.

- Suppose she heard. - Control yourself.

If they know, if they understand,

they will make things right for the king.

Well, they will surely try.

[Keys clattering]

Anyone for coffee?

Max.

I just wanna make the king feel at home.

The Fez is Turkish.

The samovar is Russian.

But it's the thought that counts. Thank you, Max.

[Max] You're welcome. If you don't mind my saying so,

I feel very sorry about the bad luck you've had.

We'll do everything we can to help you.

It would be simple if it were not for the guards

and the security system.

Pardon me, Mr. H.

But can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure. Excuse me a moment.

I couldn't help but overhear the conversation.

It's second-story work you want, right?

Right.

What about light fingers Fletcher?

His dance card's filled for the next 20 years.

San Quentin.

How about fast Eddie levine?

I don't think he's right for this.

What about Ernie brodbeck?

He's a little over-the-hill, isn't he, Max?

What are you talking about? He's my age.

Shh!

Listen, you want a kid, or do you want a guy

who gave lessons to Willie Sutton?

Can you reach him?

Can I? Me and his bail bondsman are like that.

Now, are you sure it's a big diamond and a small dog?

All right. Yeah. All right. Thanks, tiny.

Listen, uh, I'll see you on the shuffleboard court,

all right? Right.

[Phone clicks]

Now, then, you have my undivided attention.

No more phone calls, all right?

Uh, Ernie.

Do you think you can handle it?

Handle it? Are you kidding? [Chuckles]

Of course I can handle it.

You only get one chance, Ernie.

Trust me.

Ah, listen. I gotta take, uh, some of these pills.

Could I, uh... Could I get a glass of water?

I'll get it for you.

No, just steer me to the kitchen, all right?

Right through the door. But be careful.

I just waxed the floor.

Trust me.

[Retreating footsteps]

What do you think, Max?

Don't worry. It'll be all right.

He's just a very sensitive fellow.

[Rashid] Jonathan.

The man doesn't really inspire confidence.

Why not?

Max.

What we need is James Bond.

What we seem to be getting is inspector clouseau.

- [Crash] - Ernie!

[Ernie] Ah!

- Ah! - Ernie, what happened?

Uh, I don't know. I think I slipped.

But don't... don't worry, folks. It's only my leg.

I told you I waxed the floor.

I think you waxed it too good, maxie.

But I know what you're thinking. I'm okay.

You know, in a week, I'm like new.

Oh!

The opening is tomorrow. The job must be done tonight.

Max. Tonight?

Tonight could be a problem.

You'd better have him lie down.

We need to get you to a doctor.

Yeah, well, what about the job?

- Forget it. - I'm fine. I'll be okay.

- You got him, Max? - Yeah, I got him.

[Ernie] Yeah. Oh. Oh.

We must find someone.

Someone who can be trusted.

Yeah, and somebody who knows the layout of the consulate.

You two were there today.

Jonathan.

I think he found somebody.

What do you think the chances are of us making the switch?

Well, it has to be done and I would say

that we are, uh, left holding the bag.

I wish there was another way.

Think positive.

Remember the night we lost our keys

and we had to break into the house?

Oh, yes. I remember it well.

First, we tripped the alarm, then the police came,

then we couldn't prove who we were,

and we almost wound up in jail.

Rashid, we're gonna need your help.

My king.

Please, tell kasim I am here.

At once, highness.

Your majesty. What an unexpected pleasure.

I know it is late, but the reception is tomorrow,

and I would like to go over the arrangements.

I am at your service, your majesty, as always.

Thank you, kasim.

I knew I could rely on you.

You see? There are civilized ways of breaking and entering.

[Kasim] You remember the way...

[Leila] Would you care for some refreshment, your majesty?

[Jonathan] So far, so good.

That's the door over there.

We'll just slip in and get the lion.

What now?

[Jennifer] Credit card?

It always works for us at saks.

- [Door lock clicks] - Brilliant.

I know where it is.

So you stay here and keep a lookout.

[Whispering] Is the lion there?

Yes.

[Roars]

Ernie have anything in the bag for animals?

I don't know.

[Rustling]

Those look like they're for freeway.

I just hope we get home in time to feed them to him.

[Thud]

[Man speaking in persian]

[Woman speaking in persian]

[Both speaking persian]

[Both speaking in persian]

[Speaking in persian]

[Man speaking in persian]

[Speaking in persian]

[Whispers] Wait. He might come back for that.

[Whispers] I think he's got other things on his mind.

Perrier-jouet.

1973.

Perfect for a celebration.

If we had something to celebrate.

We might.

If the king of the beasts likes very fine wine.

[Slurping]

He likes it.

[Jonathan] Let's just hope that he's real thirsty.

[Lion burps]

I don't hear anything.

Just one minute.

We've covered all our tracks.

There.

Kitty, kitty.

- [Snoring] - Kitty, kitty.

- [Lion snoring] - Kitty, kitty, kitty.

Boy, will he hate himself in the morning.

Allow me.

[Snoring continues]

[Snoring continues]

[Glass clinking]

Think we should leave him two aspirin?

I don't think two will cover it.

[Snoring continues]

[Jonathan] Darling.

Help me keep this off the sensors.

- [Whispers] Watch out for that. - [Whispers] Thank you.

You know what I'm gonna do if this works?

Dinner at la scala.

Promises, promises.

[Jonathan] Don't let it hit.

Do you think this is gonna hold both of us?

We'll soon find out. Here goes.

[Jennifer] Careful, darling.

[Jennifer] Oh.

Fancy footwork.

Phew.

Okay, darling, your turn.

Okay.

Okay.

[Diamonds tinkling]

Here are the mirrors.

I hope I can hold this steady.

You can. Just take it real easy.

We didn't set it off.

[Jonathan] You all right?

Uh-huh.

Okay.

We did it.

[Rashid] What you two did tonight for me

and my country should be written in the history books.

Well, I'm just glad it wasn't written on the police blotter.

You really deserve a reward.

Please, it is of no use to me. It's a fake,

but it must have cost kasim at least a month's pay.

Please, I want you to have it.

Well, I guess it's all right.

Oh, kasim can't ask where it is. He doesn't even know it exists.

Thank you once again, my friends.

- Good night, rashid. - Good night.

Rashid, take care. [Rashid] Good night.

- I'll see you to your car, king. - Good night.

Nice, huh? Hmm.

[Jennifer] Where we gonna put it?

Heavy, isn't it?

It certainly is.

[Sighs]

Beautiful, isn't it?

Certainly is.

It's hard to believe it's fake.

It certainly is, because it's not.

What?

Look.

There's the signature.

How could that be?

Because we never bothered to look.

You mean, we went to all that trouble to replace

the real lion of the desert with a fake?

[Kasim] You're sure everything is in readiness?

Everything.

Thanks to the harts, the lion in the exhibit is a fake.

Naturally, this will be discovered

by one of my experts

at the opening. And poof.

Goodbye, king rashid.

[Rashid] Then kasim set it up?

Oh, sure. He figured we were gonna make the switch,

so he made one first.

What if we produced the real lion?

Whatever we do with it is wrong.

If it is missing, I lost it.

If I turn up with it, I stole it.

If Jonathan turns it in,

I sold my country's symbol to a greedy yankee robber baron.

No offense.

We could always try to switch it one more time.

[Jonathan] Oh, it's too late, darling.

The reception's already started,

and there will be, uh, art experts there.

It's a cinch that somebody would spot it.

Pardon me, Mr. H.

But you people are gonna be late.

Hold it, Max.

Hold it.

You are going to go to the reception with us.

There isn't time. I'm not even dressed.

We'll wait for you to get dressed.

[Max] Anyhow, all that fine art is gonna be wasted on me.

Yes, but it won't be wasted on professor maxilowski

from the university of krakow.

Huh?

It seems they've started without us.

[Visitors chattering]

It's gonna be tough to sell, Mr. H.

Ah, give it a shot, Max. Be a good professor.

Mingle, and watch for the signal.

Okay.

[Piano playing]

Ah.

Looks like kasim's a little overconfident.

[Jennifer] Like a cat in a room full of mice.

[Woman] Yeah.

Say cheese, darling.

Cheese.

[Rashid] Shall we go in?

It's your party.

- [Glasses clinking] - [Visitors chattering]

Ah, your majesty.

We were beginning to think you were not coming.

It's entirely our fault.

- Ah, we ran out of gas. - We had a flat tire.

Eh, if it isn't one thing, it's another.

[Chuckles]

It's real pretty, ain't it?

It's kind of like king tut. Only different.

Huh?

Oh. Oh, yes.

Are you anybody?

Permit me to introduce myself.

I am professor maxilowski,

university krakow.

A professor, huh?

I like brains in a man.

It's my second favorite thing.

You know anything about this thing?

Of course.

This is very ancient, precious relic, lion of desert.

It is precisely 1,017 years old.

How can you be so exact?

I am expert.

1,017 years old?

Not me, the lion.

See, honey, this morning, I checked with encyclopedia.

It says, "lion of desert is 1,000 years old."

But you said 1017.

The encyclopedia is 17 years old.

Ninotchka!

Petrouchka! Babushka! Izvestia!

Is this some kind joke?

Who is that man?

Uh, that's professor maxilowski.

- The maxilowski? - [Jonathan] Yes, darling.

[Jennifer] From krakow university? [Jonathan] Yes.

Didn't he write the book

on ancient middle eastern statuary?

- Yes, he did. - Oh.

He's brilliant.

Ah. Really?

The box.

Kasim, that man is not one of my experts.

The gentleman from the British museum will be

here at any minute, let him...

Are you saying this is a fake, professor?

Could be as fake as three-ruble bill.

Could be?

I need the genuine sunlight.

Impossible to authenticate under fluorescent light.

Do you understand me?

It mustn't be moved.

Nonsense! If there is a dispute, it must be resolved.

[Visitors chattering]

Mustn't scratch relic.

Perhaps we could use this.

Jonathan.

Why don't you watch it, you clumsy schmendrick?

[Jonathan] Sorry, professor.

[Max] That's all right. I'm okeydokey.

A thousand pardons, professor.

At least.

Well?

- This is indubitably... - Just a minute.

Surely, your majesty does not want

this announcement made here.

What would you suggest?

Let the professor make his announcement in the display room,

in the presence of all our distinguished guests.

Beautiful. I do that.

As you wish, Leila.

[Kasim] When this is over, someone will be required

to do the honorable thing.

I'm sorry to say that king rashid,

probably acting in concert with a yankee imperialist,

has stolen our country's most sacred symbol

and replaced it with a fake.

[Visitor] Fake?

Now, what remains is for the professor

to certify the fraud.

Professor?

After carefully observing in the sunlight,

I can positively authenticate

that this is 100 percent genuine lion of desert.

But... but...

Notice inscription.

Not genuine without this signature.

- But you said... - What's the matter?

- You never made a little... - [Kasim] No one makes a move!

Except Mrs. Hart.

Take the lion, Mrs. Hart. Please.

And come here.

Professor, over there.

And you. Over there, or I'll kill her.

If I cannot be king now, I shall at least live like one.

Just in case someone would try to follow us.

[Thud]

- [Jonathan] Hold it, kasim. - Seize him, pischa!

[Gunshot]

Are you all right?

- Not a scratch on me or the lion. - Ah.

Ah. Your majesty.

- Your majesty? - Mm-hmm.

Rashid said whoever holds the lion is king of the country.

Oh?

Well, I renounce my crown for the woman I love.

Oh.

[Jennifer] It's just not...

It's not us.

Right.

We can't give it away, rashid would be offended.

Maybe we could, uh, use it as a paperweight.

Hm. If we had giant-sized papers.

A doorstop?

Aw, somebody'd trip on it, Max.

You're right, Mr. H. It'd probably be me.

Where will it go?

That's a good question, but, uh...

Right now I've got something else on my mind.

- Another caper? - Mm-hmm.

Another caper? You want me to call Ernie?

[Jennifer] No, Max.

I think Jonathan can handle this one on his own.