Original subtitles

[Max] This is my boss, Jonathan hart,

a self-made millionaire.

He's quite a guy.

This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.

She's one lady who knows how to take care of herself.

By the way, my name is Max. I take care of both of them,

which ain't easy,

'cause when they met, it was murder.

[Theme music playing]

[Barks]

[Bell dings]

[Typewriter keys clacking]

[Jennifer] Darling. [Jonathan] Hmm?

What do you think, we serve Sushi?

- Sushi? - Yeah.

I think a barbecue would be better.

- It's more American. - Mm, American or not,

I don't think you can serve an international board of directors

hot dogs and hamburgers.

Well, why not? We have been on a roll.

Very funny. Ha, thanks.

Besides, they have hot dogs and hamburgers in Paris, Tokyo and Caracas.

Well, maybe you're right.

Tell Max to come up with something.

What's he up to?

It's another cereal contest.

Max? [Jennifer clears throat]

How many cereals have you tasted this week?

About 25.

Between the stamps and the cereals,

I need fourth prize just to get even.

What's this one?

Aero wheats.

Never heard of them.

Actually, they're not too bad.

Each piece is shaped like a famous aircraft.

[Max] The aero 1011s are pretty tasty.

The only problem is

the landing gear gets stuck between your teeth. Aw.

Tell me, what do you think of this?

"They're crispy, they're crunchy,

they're chewy, they're munchy.

Not only for breakfast, they're even for lunchy."

Lunchy? Lunchy?

Even Shakespeare took liberties.

[Telephone ringing]

Hart residence. Yes?

Nah, you got the wrong number.

Max, are you expecting someone important to call?

Today's the deadline for the corn critters cereal contest.

They said they'd call the winners.

But Max, there must be over a million people

entering that contest.

But there's only one big winner, Mrs. H.

[Intercom buzzing]

Yeah? Who is it?

This is Mr. Parker. Uh, is this Max?

Are you from the IRS?

No.

Did brendi the bookie send ya?

Uh, no.

Then I'm Max.

Wonderful. Now, I'm, uh,

from the corn critters cereal contest.

And I'm happy to tell you

that you've just won our first prize for one million dollars.

- [Phone thuds] - Hello?

- Hello, Max. - [Freeway whines]

Max. Max.

[Freeway barks]

All right, Max? Okay, Max?

I'm okay, Mrs. H.

Well, here you go, Max.

This is your first installment.

This is for $10,000.

[Parker] Yes, you receive a check like that

every month, for the next 10 years.

Zowie.

A million simoleons.

Are you sure that this isn't a mistake?

Corn critters doesn't make mistakes.

Sheesh.

A million smackers.

Well, I'd love to stay for the celebration,

but I've got a desk full of papers waiting.

A million bucks, what can I say?

Don't say anything. Just enjoy your new life.

Mrs. Hart, Mr. Hart, I'll see myself out.

Oh.

That's fantastic.

It's terrific, Max.

Yeah, I...

I know what you mean, but...

- What do you mean, "but"? - What do you mean, "but"?

Now I can do whatever I want.

Absolutely. What are you gonna do first?

The dishes, I guess.

How did you fare, Mr. Parker?

They fell for it hook, line, and sinker.

You mean the man actually believes

he's won a million dollars?

Margret...

He's my Mark.

He believes what I want him to believe.

You two make sure you're at the pub at 2:00.

If Max is faithful to routine, he'll be there.

Especially today.

And you?

Well, I'll stay out of your way, but I'll be there.

I want to keep an eye out on my investment.

Our investment.

Don't worry, Gordon.

That first $10,000 is gonna get us five million.

You'll get your cut.

I'll see ya at the pub.

Mr. Parker can be a bit of an irritation, can't he?

- Who's the girl? - She's zsa zsa's maid.

Not bad.

She used to work for Marlon.

So she gets around.

I'd like to bump into her some Thursday

or every other Sunday, ha.

Hey, hey, Mr. Rockefeller!

[Man] Hey, it's Max-a-million,

- the millionaire. - Ah, sir Max-a-million,

do you need a gentleman's gentleman?

I'll show you my references, if you show me yours.

Wait a minute, how did you guys know already?

What do you think?

Your boss told his boss, his boss told my boss...

I get the idea.

Well, it looks like you're buying, maxie.

Come on, pal.

[Cheers and applause]

Hi, howdy. A drink for everybody on me.

And for us, the usual.

I couldn't believe it. The check was good.

Mr. H called the bank.

- [Glass clinks] - Uh-huh.

Thanks, Harry.

Hiya, cookie.

Care for a little something domestic?

- Maybe next time. - Okay.

Forget it, Max.

They're all the same in Pasadena.

Let's go by the fire.

So, Max,

one of your cockamamie contests finally paid off, huh?

Yeah, which one was it?

Uh, corn critters. It's a cereal.

[Man] I don't eat cereal at all. I like toast.

How many have you entered already, Max?

Ah, I've lost count.

What did ya write that was worth seven figures?

I don't remember. I threw most of them away.

Oh, I remember one.

"There are lions and tigers, bears and trout,

a box full of critters that melt in your mout'."

"Mout'." that rhyme with lout?

It's called poetic license.

Well, I understand congratulations are in order.

Oh, I'm sorry, chumley, Gordon chumley. My wife, Margret.

Oh, we're in service with Mrs. Strathmore.

Mrs. Strathmore?

The oil lady in bel air?

Oil, yes. But a lady?

I must say, mister...

You can call me Max.

I must say, Max, for a man whose just won a million,

you don't seem very happy.

I like my work.

You hardly hear that anymore.

[Gordon] If know that if I won that much,

I'd be out before you could say "jeeves."

I'd have my own servants.

[Max] You don't know Mr. and Mrs. H.

I ain't exactly a servant.

Ah, one of the family, yes.

But you know, my dear Max,

blood is thicker than silver Polish.

And I'm afraid your Mr. and Mrs. H know who's who.

Don't be so sure.

Well, if ever you do decide to move on,

Margret and I are looking for a change of employment.

A day away from Mrs. Strathmore is like a month in the country.

Enjoy your good fortune, Max.

[Indistinct chattering]

They got a point, maxie.

You got all this dough,

and it ain't like they are your family.

Yeah, maybe.

I don't know.

- [Freeway barking] - [Max] Cool it, freeway.

We don't want to wake up Mr. and Mrs. H.

You were pretty cute when you were little.

Hmm, I wasn't so bad myself.

Those guys think I'm crazy.

They'd take off. Go out and see the world.

You got any bright ideas?

I didn't think so.

Hey, Max.

Hey, Mr. H, what are you doing up?

What are you doing up?

Eatin', drinkin'.

Mayonnaise, mustard, onions and salami?

Is it that bad?

I got a lot of things on my mind, Mr. H.

Hey, we go back a long time, Max. Wanna talk about it?

It's tough, Mr. H.

You know, you dream of something a lot,

and suddenly it has the bad manners to drop right in your lap.

You're thinking about leaving?

The boys at the pub say I should.

What do you think?

I think I don't know what I think.

Max,

you remember when I started hart industries?

You told me, if I was gonna climb to the top,

I'd have to risk landing on my assets.

You said to me that

you'd have to bet your hand

in order to win the pot, remember that?

I remember.

But that was you.

Ah, this is a great opportunity for you.

You have to bet your hand.

Mr. H, I guess I'm around so much,

I, I don't express about you and Mrs. H.

I'll say it,

you and Mrs. H are the best thing that ever happened to me.

You guys are family. You take care of me.

We care for each other.

I know, but it's more than that. You're like my home.

Sure, there are a lot of things I'd like to do, but...

Leaving you?

We'd never forget our feelings for you, Max.

Anyway, now isn't a good time.

You got that hart industry party coming up

and Thanksgiving is just around the corner.

There's never gonna be a right time.

We can get someone to take care of the party, and

we'll have Thanksgiving together.

I love you, Max.

I'm glad we had this talk. I feel much better.

Me too, Max.

Get some sleep, huh?

Sure, good night.

[Jennifer] You worked 10 years for Mrs. Strathmore?

Yes, madam.

Ten long years, until last week.

Oh.

We tried calling her,

and they said that she was in the desert.

Regrettable.

Yes, we can only hope that the desert

finds her as sunny as we did.

Oh!

Well, I suppose 10 years with Mrs. Strathmore

is a substantial recommendation.

Thank you, madam.

I think the most important thing is, uh,

that you have Max's vote of confidence.

Ah, could you start tomorrow?

We can start today.

- Oh, well, that won't be... - It will be our pleasure.

We'll collect our belongings and return this evening.

Well, uh, I suppose it's all right.

I hope the kitchen will be adequate.

[Gordon] Margret will make adjustments.

Will that be all, madam?

Oh, yes.

Sir?

Yes.

We'll see you later, then.

Good day.

See you this afternoon.

I don't know whether we hired them or they hired us.

Quite.

- So? - We'll be in the house this evening.

Good, I was getting tired

of sitting on their mailbox every day,

stealing Max's contest entries.

It's unfortunate he'll never see another 10,000.

I'll tell you what is fortunate,

is my European office cluing us in on the hart's little get-together.

The top international executives of hart industries

all in one place.

One of the advantages of being in the security business.

Now, in a few days, we'll have five million dollars,

and no more servants' quarters.

And no more hart industries.

Possibly no more harts.

You're going to love it here, Max.

Oh, I knew you'd love it. It's perfect.

It's modern, it's clean. It's you, Max.

Take my word for it.

This is me?

Comfy, isn't it?

Reva, I was just looking for a small furnished apartment.

Max, you have to learn to think big.

I mean, a man of your means...

I have been in the real estate business for 15 years now,

and let me tell you something, you don't see places like this.

Take my word for it.

Oh, here, let me, let me give you a hand.

- There you go. - Thank you.

Oh, Max, I envy you.

You've got your shot at a star.

Travel, adventure, romance.

Max, is there someone special in your life now?

Someone with whom perhaps you'd like to share this last hurrah?

Don't rush it.

I hope I got a lot of hurrahs left in me.

Of course.

I tell ya what. I think I'll leave you alone now.

No, that's all right, I'd rather have you here.

Oh, thank you.

But I think it would be a good idea

if you got comfortable with the place.

And should you want to go out,

I've also arranged for a car.

A car? Look, I really...

Max, you have got to learn to think big now, grand.

In time you'll learn to love it.

Take my word for it.

I guess I gotta take your word for it.

What the hell is it?

[Jennifer] Margret, Gordon.

Chumley, please.

Oh, chumley.

- Mr. Hart... - Excuse me, madam,

but luncheon isn't quite ready.

Oh, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. Mr. Hart...

Excuse me, madam, Mrs. Chumley is very sensitive

about the privacy of her kitchen.

Darling, ready to go?

Uh...

Luncheon is almost ready.

We'll be serving on the patio momentarily.

Well, Mrs. Hart and I are going to town to do a little shopping.

I made a reservation at the la scala boutique. They've a wonderful chopped salad...

La scala bou... chopped salad?

But Mrs. Chumley's just laid some cracked crab over ice.

The batard montrachet is chilled.

The patio table is set.

Well, since you put it that way, I guess, uh,

we'll stay here for lunch. Is that all right with you, darling?

Since you put it that way.

Very good, madam.

Well, I guess we'll just wait in the living room.

[Freeway barks]

Here, you are, you little grubber.

[Max] What about Thanksgiving? You mean you're busy all week?

No, no, no, that's all right. It's okay. Sure.

Another time.

Slapsy, it's maxie.

Say, what about taking in the trotters tonight, huh?

Hmm.

No, no, that's all right.

Sure.

Another time.

[Phone ringing]

Hello.

Listen Mr. H, if you and Mrs. H are gonna be around,

I'd like to drop by and pick up a few things.

Sure. Hold on a second.

Darling, it's Max,

he wants to know if he can come by tonight and pick up a few things.

Ask him if he can stay for dinner.

Max, can you stay for dinner?

Dinner? Sure, Mr. H.

Uh, I guess I can cancel my plans.

Well, if you've got other plans, uh...

No, it's okay, Mr. H. I'll, I'll be there.

"Other plans."

[Teacup rattling]

Is something upsetting you, Gordon?

I hope you're not having second thoughts.

Margret, dear,

we're planning on holding the entire board of directors of hart industries as hostages.

It's a large undertaking in only two days.

We simply don't have much time.

Correction, my dear.

It's the harts who don't have much time.

Thanks.

Begging your pardon, sir, that's your dessert fork.

Very good, sir.

Enjoy your dinner.

Gee, this is swell.

Mm-hmm.

Have you given any thought to your future plans, Max?

I haven't had the time, Mr. H.

Reva's been doing all my thinking for me.

What's she like, Max?

[Max] Oh, she's all right, very nice.

Very helpful.

She also has a nice smile.

I mean, you know.

Chumleys sure set out a swell dinner table, don't they?

She, uh, went to cooking school in France.

Hmm.

It's, um, interesting.

- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

I really better get going.

It's gettin' pretty late.

Hey, Max, it's only about 9:00.

Yeah, I'm, I mean, it's late because I gotta meet someone.

- Reva? - Right, reva.

Listen, Max, the next time you come for dinner,

why don't you bring reva? We'd love to meet her.

Hey, that's a good idea.

Maybe we all ought to get together somewhere for dinner.

Out, maybe.

Hmm.

Definitely, hmm.

[Sighs] Shall we?

Good night, Max.

- Good night, Max. - See you soon?

Sure.

Nah, I hate it in the back. You get in the back. I'll drive.

[Chauffeur] Whatever you say, sir.

[Jennifer] Darling...

Do you think Max misses us as much as we miss him?

Only he's just not showing his feelings?

Could you do that a little harder?

Oh. Like that?

Mm.

Oh, I know he misses us.

But he's got reva,

his own place, new friends.

Hmm.

Hmm, could you do it over to the right a little bit?

Hmm, there?

Mm-hmm.

Maybe he was just trying to get away from the chumleys.

Darling, I don't really like the chumleys.

Hmm, neither do I.

But we'll keep them through the party and then we'll let them go.

Hmm.

Well, there you go.

Oh, no. What's happening?

You're reneging.

[Jennifer] Time's up. [Jonathan] No, no.

No, no, you owe me about eight minutes.

No, no, I've been doing this for half an hour.

It's your turn.

- Oh, yeah? - Uh-huh.

Where does it itch?

[Gordon] Sleep well, Mr. and Mrs. Hart.

[Gordon] Splendid.

I'm gonna need to get inside the house if I'm going

to tie the explosives into the alarm system.

They'll be out shopping tomorrow for the arrival of their guests.

It won't take me very long.

And when you're finished, if the harts

or any of the others try to escape

through anything connected to the alarm system...

Let's just say it will be the last thing on their minds.

[Reva] Look, Max, you could live on this for weeks. Take my word for it.

[Max] I couldn't stand it for an hour.

I told ya, I get seasick.

Oh, you're so cute.

You just don't have your sea legs yet.

One trip up the coast and you'll be a veteran.

Yeah, a veteran of foreign wars.

Look, Max. Look at this one.

The millionaire. It's perfect.

If you say take my word for it,

I'm gonna crawl right into my turtleneck.

What's wrong, Max?

Boats, cars, chauffeurs.

I would have been much happier if I'd won the 10th prize,

the a.M./f.M. Clock radio.

But this is your big chance, Max.

The chance to have everything you ever wanted.

I had everything I always wanted.

A home, I had Mr. and Mrs. H,

and I didn't have to wear these clothes.

I'd lose money on a horse once and a while,

but I didn't have to worry about negative cash flow.

Meat and potatoes, is that it?

What am I going to do with all this stuff? It ain't my style.

I can't even sit down in my own apartment

unless you're around to help me up.

I do enjoy being around, Max.

Kids.

Well, I... I hadn't really planned...

I'll give my money to orphans.

And then I can go back to my own family.

Come on, I'll buy you a hamburger.

A hamburger?

A cheeseburger, the works, pickles,

chili, whatever you want. Come on.

You don't like boats, Max.

I have a friend at Van nuys airport

who sells airplanes.

Reva, give me a break.

All right, this is the heart of the system.

And this remote activates it.

Once it's down, the house will blow up

if a door or window is open.

Once it's up, you can come and go as you please.

What about the timer?

No, the button doesn't affect it one way or the other,

but once a timer's set, it counts down to zero.

The house explodes.

Very good, Margret.

All right.

The party's tomorrow.

We'll meet the morning after in Switzerland, as planned.

That was our arrangement.

Yeah, well, let's just make sure we remember that.

After all, it was my European office

that found out about the harts' get-together here.

And the fact that these officers have the authority

to transfer hart industry funds by telephone.

Switzerland.

Good.

I'll check the outside wiring, and then I'm off.

Sorry I barged in unannounced, but

the gate was open.

We're having a little problem with the security system.

Mr. Hart requested that it should be repaired.

I dropped by to pick up a couple of my things.

I should have done it last night but, uh,

I sort of forgot.

Yes, we're very busy today, so if you'd just, uh, go about your business.

Right.

We really are very, very busy.

Why aren't you using the regular alarm company?

I phoned them first, they weren't available at short notice.

You should have called flick.

He would have straightened you out.

I've used these people before. They're very reliable.

- [Freeway barks] - Hi, freeway. I sure missed you.

Are you going to be much longer?

Okay, I'm going, I'm going.

By the front door.

- [Freeway barks] - Freeway, so long, see ya later, pal.

[Freeway whining]

You know, Max is going to be a bit of a problem. He's getting frightfully nosey.

Yes. Max is a loose end.

Two loose ends.

Including Mr. Parker.

[Max] So, flick, nobody even called you to check out the hart security system.

Well, then I better check out this lok-tek joint myself.

Hey, you're the guy...

[Man falls with a thud]

[Margret] Oh, yes, madam. [Jennifer] Has Gordon checked the bar?

Everything's in order, madam.

Good.

Uh, Margret.

Madam?

Do you think you could call me something other than "madam"?

What have you in mind, uh, madam?

Oh, I don't know, something like Mrs. H or Mrs. Hart.

Uh, something less formal.

Whatever you wish, Mrs. Hart.

Thank you.

Have you noticed

that she has a way of calling me Mrs. Hart

that sounds exactly like "madam"?

[Phone ringing]

Hello.

- [Max] Mr. H? - Oh, hi, Max. How are you?

Listen, Mr. H, something came up.

I won't be able to make it to your party tomorrow.

You're not coming?

Is something wrong?

It's just that reva and I have to go up the coast.

Max, um, Mrs. H and I'd love to have you come to the party.

Why don't you and reva come to dinner and then go up the coast afterwards?

Thanks, but I'm sorry, Mr. H.

Bye.

He's not coming.

Oh.

Now, what are we going to do about you?

[Man] Yes, I would like to propose a toast.

- To a marvelous dinner and a terrific hostess. - [Jennifer] Oh.

The only thing better would have been if you had served Sushi.

Sushi. Oh, what an interesting idea.

I don't really need an excuse to go up with this wonderful wine,

but another toast is in order from all of us south of the border.

To Jonathan hart industries

and the best damn chairman of the board on any continent.

Oh, thank you very much, Alice.

Mm, now would everybody like to have coffee in the living room?

Ah, maybe you're right. If I don't get up now,

I may never be able to get up.

[Micheline] Jennifer, dinner was absolutely magnifique.

Oh, thank you, micheline.

Dinner was good, but I did miss the asparagus with Max's mystery sauce.

So did I.

[Reva] Max?

Oh, uh, that'll be fine just leave it over there. Thank you.

Max?

[Muffled groan]

Oh, my god, Max.

You should have finished Max there and then.

There wasn't time.

I couldn't just leave the body in his apartment.

I'll take care of him after we finish here.

Ready.

Now, let's deliver the bombe surprise.

You should have seen micheline at the convention in cannes.

She had a little too much dom perignon, and i...

[micheline] Nevertheless, I managed to get the contract signed.

- [Micheline laughs] - That you did.

[Alice] I've always envied your ability in that area. Thank you.

She's one of the best negotiators I've ever known.

Thank you.

[Rattling] [Jennifer] Ah, coffee.

Excuse me, sir. We have a little surprise for you.

Oh.

I'm afraid I must ask you to sit down.

I beg your pardon?

What is this all about?

Five million dollars, in your London bank.

Sit down, Mr. Hart.

Mrs. Hart.

I can't get through. The phone must be off the hook.

But Max, what's going on?

I don't know. I've got to get to that house.

But, but, Max... I'm sorry, I've gotta go.

Your alarm system has been connected to a high-powered explosive.

If any of you tries to leave the house,

by any door or window...

Well, I wouldn't recommend it.

Now, you are a unique group.

The four of you together

have the authority to transfer funds by telephone.

I want you to transfer the money

to this account.

Swiss.

[Gordon] We'll be out of your way just as soon as the money is transferred.

Now, shall we begin?

How do I know you won't kill us once the transfer is made?

You can be sure we will kill you if you don't begin.

It's Max.

He doesn't know about the explosives.

The button.

- [Door closes] - Good evening, Max.

Get in there.

Mr. H, what the...

We've been having a little problem with the help, Max.

I can see that.

Good of you to come, Max.

Saved me the trouble of going back for you.

Now, can we proceed?

Koji, please, make the call.

What's going on?

They've got some explosives tied in with the alarm system.

That's why we can't get out.

But I got in through the door.

He's got a remote that can turn it on and off.

I've got the bank, Jonathan.

Go ahead, koji.

Transfer five million dollars to Zurich.

Four, four, six, five, five. First key.

Koran five, five, one, two, two.

Hart code.

Andre.

I feel terrible.

You do?

Sit down.

I've gotta go to the bathroom.

Oh, please.

It won't hurt anything.

Just remember, Max,

one false move could be a fatal mistake.

[Andre] Second key. Porter, eight, eight, eight, three, one.

Hart print.

Alice.

Third key.

Angel, four, four, five, six, four.

Hart send.

Fourth key.

Jackal. Five, five, nine, eight, eight.

Hart transfer.

It's not done

until they signal back.

Now it's done.

And you can return to your seat.

Keep them here.

I should advise you to remain where you are.

I'll reactivate the doors just after we've gone.

But when we're far enough away,

I'll disengage the explosive and you're free to come and go as you wish.

[Car faltering]

We'll have to get the keys to the hart car.

They're coming back.

I need the keys of your car, Mr. Hart.

Before you do that, uh, chumley,

I suggest you look behind you.

That's very old, sir, and rather tiring.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Ah.

Max, how did you get out?

I took freeway's way. It isn't connected to the alarm.

There's a bomb. It's, it's on a timer. You gotta get out!

- What? - Another bomb on a timer.

We need to get out of here.

Get out. Go on, get out, everybody.

[Timer ticking]

You're not gonna blow up my house. It's all I got.

Mr. and Mrs. H., I'll let you out.

Darling, go on, get out.

Not without you and Max.

Get out, darling. Go on.

Where is it? Come on. Show me. Get up.

[Jonathan] Come on. Show me.

It's in the fuse box.

[Jonathan] Is that how much time we've got? [Gordon] Yes.

They have to be removed in order.

Well, start taking them out.

I don't know which one.

What do you mean, you don't know?

It was Parker who installed the thing.

Where is Parker? He's dead.

[Timer ticking]

Any bets?

Try the red one first.

What about the blue one?

I don't know. What about the blue one?

[Exhales]

Everything okay, Mrs. H?

The house is fine,

but I think we have to put the chumleys on ice.

[Max] I'll take care of them.

You take care of your guests.

My guests.

What are we gonna serve for dessert?

Max, uh, may we impose upon you?

I thought you'd never ask.

[Jonathan] Hey, Max.

You know, it was pretty lonely around here without you.

[Laughs]

You know, Max, I've never seen anyone so happy

to lose their millionaire status.

Everything I've ever wanted in the world

- is right here. - Huh, thank you.

Want some more wine? That sounds very nice.

[Ringing]

You rang?

You two really don't have to do this. It's Thanksgiving.

Oh, no, a deal's a deal.

And this is our way of giving thanks.

How was the Turkey, sir?

Now that you ask, it was slightly overcooked.

Overcooked?

Don't worry about it. Is there more wine?

- Yes, sir. - Then join us.

Thank you, sir.

[Jennifer] Overcooked?

Oh, I thought the Turkey was perfect.

We came here to give thanks.

I'll give a toast.

I'll give notice.

To us.

To us. To us.