Original subtitles

This is my boss,

Jonathan hart, a self-made millionaire.

He's quite a guy.

This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.

She's one lady who knows how to take care of herself.

By the way, my name is Max.

I take care of both of them,

which ain't easy, 'cause when they met...

It was murder.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[Barking]

[♪♪]

[Ominous music playing]

[Crickets chirping]

[Martial music playing]

"As general wharton's union troops put the torch to gray oaks,

the once-glorious plantation,

dabney canfield, colonel of the confederacy,

swore a silent oath of vengeance.

For him, the war would never end."

[Thud]

I meant every word of that oath, Alicia.

General wharton will never return here again.

A bit more wine, Alicia?

Why won't you answer me?

[Ominous music playing]

[Max] "For six months after general wharton took Alicia away,

dabney was consoled

only by the bittersweet memory of her kiss.

This was the kiss that the war forbade,

the kiss for which dabney had waited.

As he relived its sweetness,

he came to know that Alicia was no mere mortal,

but a goddess descended from on high."

Just a mortal, Max,

but a very hungry one.

What's for lunch?

"She was more to him now

than he had ever dreamed."

Never mind, Max. I'll get it myself.

Pretty hot stuff, huh, freeway?

Jonathan.

I thought you were at the office.

Oh, darn it.

You caught me.

What are you doing?

I'm preparing for the first annual family barbecue.

As a matter of fact, I'm taking the whole week off

to celebrate a series of holidays.

What holidays are those?

Well, uh, groundhog day.

That's one of my favorites. That's when they see

your shadow, and you have to go to bed for six weeks.

We already did that one.Mm-hmm.

- [Jonathan] Oh, darling. - [Jennifer] Hmm.

You know, this is gonna be a very special weekend.

It is? Yep.

It's gonna be Jennifer hart week.

Oh. And that means

that you can do anything you want, every day.

Whatever. Oh, I like that.

Yeah? I knew I loved you for something.

[Intercom buzzes] I'll get that.

Hello. [Man] Is Mrs. Hart in?

This is Mrs. Hart. Who is this, please?

Jennifer, can you spell "necessary," "business" and "successful?"

"Necessary?"

Professor?

Come on up.

Oh, it's the professor. Professor Elliott Lawrence.

I studied with him at Stanford. Oh.

Today, he is one of the most important

literary critics in the country. You'll love him.

Yeah, you think he'll, uh, like barbecue?

I hope so.

[Orchestral music playing]

[Jennifer] Professor.

- Ah. - Ah.

Edwards, you're supposed to look like some years have passed

since college. You haven't changed a bit.

Still as feisty as ever. This is my husband, Jonathan.

- How do you do, professor? - How do you do?

You're just in time for the first annual

- family barbecue. - Well.

You see, it's Jennifer hart week.

[Elliot] Mmm. That was good.

Mmm. Delicious, darling.

Ah, thank you. Glad you enjoyed it.

Well, now, here I am having the best hot dog

I've ever had in my life,

and I have to ask you a favor.

Just name it, professor.

Have you ever heard of Victoria Gregory?

Victoria Gregory? She's my favorite writer.

Obviously, a man of questionable taste.

[Max] What do you mean? She's fantastic.

I'm one of her biggest fans.

Well, then you'll be happy to know that she has just won

the romance writer of the year award.

Great.

Is that what's bothering you, professor?

Not exactly.

As you know, there's never been a picture of her.

That's right.

Well, there couldn't have been, because, you see,

I am Victoria Gregory.

You? No way.

She's got to be a she.

I've built an entire career as a man of letters,

and if it were known that I have paid my bills by writing...

Garbage?

[Max] Garbage?

What are you talking about? That's great writing.

It won the award, didn't it?

[Elliot] No, no, no. Mr. Hart is right.

Nevertheless, my publisher insists

that this award be accepted.

And if I do, I lose my cover,

because, you see, readers will only buy romantic novels

written by women.

If I don't, I lose my publisher.

Now, I need the income from a few more

Victoria Gregory novels, so I can retire,

and write the book I've always wanted to write.

And you should write.

How can we help you?

Well, Jennifer,

I would like for you to accept the award as Victoria Gregory.

Impersonate her?

Well, it's no crime to impersonate someone who doesn't exist.

And besides, no one has ever seen her,

so it will be easy.

[Jonathan] Well, I'm not sure about that.

Uh, Jennifer is very well-known in the literary field.

Someone's bound to recognize her.

Not with a change of hairdo and a bit of makeup,

and maybe a picture hat.

Look, look, I know I'm asking a lot,

but you are uniquely qualified to bring this off.

You were always a quick study.

Oh. Thank you very much, professor.

It's all here, Jennifer, selected works,

and a crash course on her background.

What do you think, darling?

Where does the, uh, ceremony take place?

In New Orleans, Victoria Gregory country.

New Orleans?

What do you think?

Jennifer hart week on bourbon street?

Hmm?

But how?

How could Victoria Gregory

turn up in New Orleans with Jonathan hart?

Jay hartley.

Who? [Elliot] You're Jay hartley,

her secretary. Now, look, I've got it all worked out.

I've never been a secretary before.

Well, I've never been a romantic novelist before.

But on the other hand...

Bouillabaisse,

chicken gumbo,

shrimp creole.

Shoofly pie.

Mmm.

Tell me something, professor. Was Hemingway a dame?

[Pizzicato music playing]

[Orchestral music playing]

[Jonathan] What page are you on?

[Jennifer] What?

Um, 73.

Turn to the last page, and listen to this.

I don't want to know the ending.

Just listen to this.

"Alicia moved nearer to the dashing union general,

her sworn enemy,

and looked up, her eyes shining through tears as she whispered,

'i love you so much that nothing, nothing matters,

not even gray oaks,

even though it's a part of me, and always will be... '"

"just as dabney canfield is a part of me,

because he is gray oaks, and all it stands for.

But that's all gone now,

and I am now Alicia Raleigh wharton.

Till death do us part."

Whew.

What an ending.

[Jonathan] Sweetheart, that's only the beginning.

[Canfield] Alicia.

Alicia!

Why won't you answer?

[Knife clatters]

In two days, Victoria Gregory will be in New Orleans.

She wrote our story. She'll know where to find you.

And I will force her to tell me.

I swear it.

I swear it on my commission

as an officer of the confederacy.

[Canfield] Victoria Gregory, whoever she is...

Will tell me her secret,

or she'll die.

[Ominous music playing]

[Jennifer] I can't figure out what to wear.

I thought, something pastel.

You know, like one of the characters in her books.

Yeah. If you're thinking about that

for Victoria Gregory, scrap it, Mrs. H.

Victoria can't wear pink. Why not?

Because morgana Meredith always wears pink.

She's america's answer to Barbara cartland.

Oh, well, that explains everything.

Morgana is her competitor.

You, Victoria, have just beaten her out of the grand prize.

Oh. Well, scrap the pink.

Morgana's got enough problems.

Well, actually, I was thinking of something more tweedy.

Forget it. Victoria don't wear tweeds.

She's got to be classy, romantic, glamorous.

Like you, Mrs. H.

Well, thank you, Max.

Only maybe blond.

Oh, uh, what about my, uh, secretary,

Jay hartley?

Don't get cute, Max.

Don't get cute.

I see hartley as a conservative type.

With it, but not flashy.

Narrow collar, thin tie,

shell-rim spectacles.

You need work, Mr. H.

Thanks, Max.

[Jazz music playing]

[Woman] Morgana, darling, you look like the last Rose of summer.

Summer of '65. [Chuckles]

Uh, tell me, what are you planning to wear to the costume ball?

Ooh, something simple, historical.

Oh, a confederate flag?

And what are you coming as, sweetheart?

A sharecropper, a cotton picker

or just, uh, poor, white trash?

Oh, I'll leave the trash to you and your word processor.

[Man] Uh, miss Meredith?

Miss wentworth? Uh, may I?

Of course.

- [Shutter clicks] - Thanks.

Just wanted to get a picture of the runners-up.

Well, you know, darling, I never did mind coming

in second to you, all these years,

because I always figured, when you died,

went to your royalties in the sky,

I'd have my just desserts.

[Morgana] Well, you look like you've already been having

just desserts.Mm-hmm.

And now that Victoria Gregory has beaten you out for the prize,

I shall simply have to wait a little bit longer.

- And that's not fiction. - No, indeed, it is not fiction.

I know what it is,

but I'm too much of a lady to say.

You sound like you'd like to teach miss Gregory a lesson or two.

[Morgana] Oh, I could give her a plot, a nice family one.

Well, let's drink up.

I can't wait to get over to the riverboat

and see what she looks like.

I hear she's as old as Agatha was at the end.

Oh, my dear, that's the nicest thing you've said all afternoon.

Well, to us,

and to next year's contest.

Excuse me.

Did I hear you say that Victoria Gregory will be on the riverboat?

Yes. There's gonna be a conference at the riverboat.

You sound as though you know Victoria Gregory.

She may be someone I've known all my life.

Well, are you a writer?

Well, you could say,

I've got a very vivid imagination.

Oh, uh... eh, see you at the riverboat.

Bye.

[Ambient music playing]

[Jennifer] Jonathan,

couldn't we go to the hotel before we go to the press conference?

- My stomach's doing flip-flops. - Uh, we'd be late.

It sound to me like you've got a classic case of butterflies.

Ow! More like mosquitoes.

I'm beginning to forget everything I learned.

Oh, now, have no fear, hartley is here.

Let's go over it again, all right?

What did you write after rebel lady?

Rebel lady. Rebel lady.

Rebel lady, uh... oh, when cotton was king?

Oh, that's very good. Very good.

After that you wrote, uh...?

Jonathan, maybe Victoria doesn't have to go

to this press conference after all.

You could just say that she came down with a case of the vapors.

Darling, you're doing fine.

Really, just fine.

Hartley...

How much do I pay you?

It ain't the money that keeps me around, honey.

It's the hospitality.

[Jazz music playing]

Oh, look, look, there's Victoria Gregory.

[Man] Are you sure? Nobody knows what she looks like.

No, I'm sure that's Victoria Gregory.

I once met her secretary.

She's beautiful, isn't she?

[Horn blowing]

[Reporter] Miss Gregory, how do you feel about being here in New Orleans?

Miss Gregory can't answer any questions right now.

We're having a press conference on board. So...

Hi, y'all.

[Man] Here she is. Miss Gregory.

[Jennifer] Oh, boy.

[People applauding]

It was such a lovely reception.

Welcome, miss Gregory. This way to the press conference.

- [Jennifer] Oh my goodness. - [Man] Please, follow me.

Yes, see, I would say that the rumors

about her age are greatly exaggerated.

I hope she's electrocuted by her typewriter.

Well, not if I can get her first.

[Reporter] Miss Gregory... Miss Gregory,

why haven't you been seen in public before?

Uh, well, that is because i... I'm a very private person.

Miss Gregory.

Oh, thank you.

[Woman 1] And where do you get your characters?

[Jennifer] Uh, where do I get my characters?

Well, I get my characters from,

where every writer gets their characters...

From life experiences

and... And from my imagination.

[Woman 2] Then you are your characters?

[Jennifer] Oh, well, yes, I suppose so.

[Woman 3] All of them?

I suppose, yes. I suppose.

[Woman 4] Uh, Francis Maxwell, tomorrow's woman.

Why do you have a male secretary?

- [Shutter clicks] - Oh.

Well, that is because I am an equal-opportunities employer.

[All laughing]

Excuse me. Did you say you really are the characters you write about?

Oh, well, yes, I suppose I am, Mr...

- Canfield. - [Jennifer] Canfield.

Yes, Mr. Canfield...

Why, isn't that a happy coincidence?

I have a character called canfield in one of my books,

heart's desire. Do you remember that?

Oh, yes. Even Alicia?

Alicia?

Yes, I suppose there is part of me that is Alicia.

I love Alicia.

Why, thank you, Mr. Canfield.

I ought to tell you there's someone here...

Uh, miss Gregory... [Horn blowing]

Excuse us. Uh, there are some more questions.

Uh, perhaps we can talk later.

Yes. Don't you worry.

I'll take care of everything.

[Jennifer] Thank you.

[Man] Please, miss Gregory. [Woman] Miss Gregory.

Elliott Lawrence, miss Gregory.

Could I interview you someplace quiet?

[Elliot] Miss Gregory, do you consider what you write

to... to be, uh, literature?

Oh, well, now, Mr. Lawrence.

You are the critic.

It is up to you to make that judgment.

Ow. Very well, uh,

then let me put it this way,

uh, I believe you write purely commercial tripe.

Uh, would you care to comment?

No, I would not.

But, come to think of it.

Isn't that,

what James earlington

of lichfield said about Shakespeare?

Are you comparing yourself to Shakespeare, miss Gregory?

Oh, no, Mr. Lawrence.

I'm comparing you to Mr. Earlington.

[People applauding]

Thank you.

Thank you.

[Meredith] Haven't you read any of my books?

Oh, now, really, Mr. Canfield.

Who do you work for anyway, the times-picayune?

[Ominous music playing]

Did you mean what you said about her?

Are you jealous of her?

Oh, Mr. Canfield.

Would you kill her?

Well, I mean, I'd be perfectly justified if I did.

She slaughters history and murders the king's English.

Would you kill her?

Well, I might, if I could get away with it.

Even if you knew she was really

Alicia Raleigh?

Would you kill Alicia Raleigh?

Well, heh, Alicia Raleigh is only a character in a book.

And... and s...

And so is dabney canfield.

Oh! Oh, my...

[horn blowing]

[Ominous music playing]

[Ambient music playing]

[Jonathan] Croissants,

teacakes.

That's, uh, coffee. We ordered tea.

Oh, claiborne manor only serves coffee at high tea, sir.

Oh, of course.

Well, I'm sure that there is, uh, chicory in the coffee.

Oh, claiborne manor never forgets to add the chicory, sir.

There you go, Mr. Hartley.

Thank you.

And there you go. Thank you, sir.

Oh, Mr. Hartley, I have here a copy of chattanooga dawn.

I wrote it myself, and if perhaps you could show it

to miss Gregory, any help

that she could give would be greatly appreciated.

Well, I'll see that she gets it.

Oh, thank you very much, sir. I really do appreciate it.

See, I have visions of a movie sale. Perhaps...

Oh, I'm sure that there's one in there,

and I'll discuss it with her. Oh, thank you very much, sir.

Thank you.

Coast is clear.

Ah, tea for two for three.

Sorry, Elliott. We didn't want anybody to think

we were fraternizing with the enemy.

Well, a phony female author, hiding in a hotel room

with an acerbic, yet very handsome, literary critic.

I feel a new story coming on.

I feel chicory coming on.

That's because they serve coffee for tea.

- Oh. - Mmm. Thank you.

What's that?

Oh, that is a manuscript called chattanooga dawn.

One of your admirers wrote that.

They'd like to have your professional opinion.

Ah. Elliott.

Chattanooga dawn.

Well, there's a certain shallowness about it.

[Chuckles] Well, it's so bad,

it could be good.

However...

To the most beautiful

and convincing romance writer the world will ever know.

Oh.

Here. Thanks.

Oh, by the way, I hope, you didn't mind

what I said at the press conference.

[Jennifer] Not at all.

Did I do all right?

[Elliot] A-plus. Thank you.

James earlington of lichfield.

That's funny. I've never heard of him.

I would have been surprised if you had. I made him up.

You did? Mm-hmm.

Well, you'll have to take credit for that, professor.

You're the one that taught her how to use her imagination.

All you have to do now

is get through the ball tonight, and we're home free.

After we finish our tea, we're going to have

to disappear into our own rooms.

Ah, yes.

Separate rooms.

With, uh, connecting balconies.

A lot of good that does. Hmm.

Well, that's more than Romeo and Juliet had.

Hmm.

[Ominous music playing]

[Canfield] That yankee will never take you away again.

You'll be safe, back here at gray oaks.

[Knock at door]

Yes, who is it?

[Man] Flowers, miss Gregory.

Oh.

Ah.

Why, thank you very much.

"Your servant, colonel dabney canfield of gray oaks."

Hmm.

[Whistle]

Black roses?

[Whistles]

[Whistle]

I thought we were supposed to have adjoining balconies.

So did I.

I may get hoarse.

Your room or mine?

[Footsteps approaching]

- Oh, do excuse me. - [Screen door shuts]

Am I, uh, interrupting your creative flow?

Hi, Rosemary.

Oh, no. No. I was, uh...

I was just dictating something from my new novel.

Dictating?

My dear, you need two tin cans and a string.

Well, I just have to work whenever inspiration strikes.

How fascinating.

I don't suppose you'd care to divulge the story line,

or is it a deep, dark secret?

Well,

it's, uh...

It's a sort of... Gothic murder story.

You see, this lady author checks into a hotel room,

in between the two prime suspects,

one of whom is a homicidal maniac.

[Frogs croaking]

[Ambient music playing]

Good night, miss wentworth.

Sleep tight, Rosemary.

[Whistle]

Oh.

[Knocks]

Is that you?

[Jonathan] Oh.

I think we're adding quite a bit of color to Victoria's character.

I hope that Rosemary is peeping through a keyhole.

I don't think there are any keyholes in this hotel.

I bet she brought one of her own.

Oh.

What was that for? That's for being such a terrific boss.

Oh.

What do I get for being an award-winning novelist?

Is that it?

Oh, you're gonna have to do better than that.

My fans are already sending me flowers.

Very strange flowers, but nonetheless, flowers.

Interesting fan.

Colonel dabney canfield of gray oaks.

One of the characters from heart's desire.

And also the same fellow on the boat.

Well, he probably knows we're going to the ball

dressed as the characters from the book,

and he just wants to play along.

We have about an hour until the ball.

We do? Mm-hmm.

I love you as a blonde.

Aww.

Well, maybe we should see if blondes have more fun.

Yeah, maybe we should.

Darling, whether you're Jennifer,

Victoria or Alicia,

I'm glad I am Jonathan or Jay. Oh.

[Jonathan] You know why? [Jennifer] Why?

[Jonathan] Because we're as close as two pages in a book.

[Jennifer] Mm.

[Frogs croaking]

[Waltz music playing]

- Oh, Mr. Lawrence. - [Elliot] Yes.

Rosemary wentworth.

You reviewed my novel, whispers by candlelight.

Well, I have to call them as I see them.

Oh, don't apologize.

You said, "it was steamy sex from cover to cover."

That line sold 50,000 copies. Oh.

May I have this dance?

It seems Victoria Gregory made quite an impression

upon the press. Well, a very bright and attractive woman.

Coming from you, that's a rave review.

Have you seen morgana?

Uh, not since this afternoon.

[Rosemary] Neither have I.

I'm beginning to get a little bit worried about her.

Well, I suppose she'll show up.

Well, shut my little old mouth.

[People applauding]

My, my, my, my, my. How do you do?

Why, this looks like the beginning

of a truly gothic romance.

And you be careful now, Rosemary.

He is truly lethal with a pen in his hand.

Hartley,

shall we?

Shall I?

Be my guest.

- Excuse us. - Mr. Lawrence.

[Waltz music playing]

[Chuckles]

Incredible, isn't she?

You could swear she was Alicia,

straight from the pages of her own book.

She's come to life.

My Alicia, here in New Orleans.

Just like it was written.

Oh, I get it.

You're dressed as colonel canfield from the book.

The book is the truth.

Hartley, I bet she barely pays you enough to cover the rent.

I'll pay you double what she pays you.

Actually, my typing is the, uh, hunt-and-peck method.

Wonderful.

We'll hunt and peck together.

Now that we have a moment,

I want you to know I'm proud of you.

Why, Mr. Lawrence, you do go on.

No, no, no, no. I'm not talking to Victoria.

I mean you, Jennifer.

Your husband is a wonderful man and it's a good marriage.

I'd say great.

But you're not just great together.

As I've tried to point out in my reviews of your work,

you are also very good on your own.

Oh, well, it's because I had a very good teacher.

Oh, come on. Give me a hint. Is it really a mystery?

I can't, uh, really tell you. You'll have to wait until publication.

Oh. I may wait a couple of weeks longer,

pick it up from the remainder file.

[People applauding] Oh.

You haven't seen morgana, have you?

No, I haven't.

Excuse me.

Uh, she's all yours.

Thank you.

Well, how did you do with Rosemary?

Interesting, but, uh, cold.

Oh. Well, I suspect,

that beneath that cold exterior...

Is a truly cold interior.

You're right.

First she tried to steal me,

then she tried to steal the plot of your book.

Oh, how'd she do?

I didn't say a word about the book.

Good boy.

[People chattering]

[Band plays Johann Strauss Jr.'s "emperor waltz"]

[Horn blowing] [Waltz continues]

[Rosemary screaming]

[Rosemary] Help! Help! Help! Help!

[Rosemary] Oh! Oh! Oh! [Screams]

Help! Someone! Help! Help! Help!

Help. Look, it's morgana.

[Rosemary] Oh. Oh.

[Rosemary] Oh.

Alicia, it's time.

What? Oh.

You're the gentleman from this afternoon.

Where are we going?

Colonel canfield at your service.

We have to hurry before he comes back.

Who? The yankee general.

What yankee general?

[Ominous music playing]

Oh.

You sent me the roses.

[Canfield] Hurry, Alicia.

Oh, no, please. Now...

Jonathan! Let's go, Alicia.

[Grunts]

[Ominous music playing]

Elliott.

Call the police.

Where is Jennifer? She's on the dance floor. Why?

One of her admirers...

Has left one calling card too many.

[Tense music playing]

[Canfield] Manassas, gettysburg, vicksburg,

bull run.

I bled.

I watched my friends die.

All because of him.

But I survived, all because of you, Alicia.

No.

[Bugle playing]

No?

But you are Alicia.

Either that,

or some cunning imposter.

An agent of the enemy,

delivered into my hands to deceive me.

In which case...

But that won't be necessary, will it?

You are Alicia, aren't you?

[Horn blows]

You got here by 9 o'clock, you were on the dance floor,

and you heard the scream coming from that area over there.

[Man] Okay.

Thank you very much, sir.

- Have you seen Jennifer? - No.

Officer, my wife is missing.

Mine likewise. Sir, I haven't seen my wife since the mardi gras.

If you'll stand right over there, I'll get to you in just a few seconds.

All right, sir.

[Tense music playing]

[Canfield] The Yankees burned the alcove. It was years ago, my love.

They cut down the grove.

But I swear to you as a canfield,

I shall replant that grove as it was.

Let us drink to gray oaks.

[Liquid pouring]

To gray oaks,

as it was, and as it shall be again.

[Ominous music playing]

[Max] Gray oaks?

Mr. H, gray oaks ain't real. It's a place in a story.

I know that, Max.

It's in heart's desire.

It's near New Orleans, but where?

Let me think.

[Jonathan] Would you think fast, Max? It's important.

[Max] I am thinking fast.

I think it's, uh, a little bit south of the city...

South of the city?

[Max] ...In a swamp near the river,

and there's a Paris cemetery right next to it.

Thanks, Max. Thanks.

Look, Mr. H, uh, this ain't real.

It's all make-believe.

Mr. H?

Mr. H?

[Barking]

[Ominous music playing]

Do you remember the night, heh...

The night of the cotillion,

when major Howard was high as a Georgia pine?

He brought his horse out onto the dance floor.

Mr. Canfield.

I mean...

Mr. Canfield, I'm not Alicia.

I'm just dressed up to look like her.

Don't try to deceive me.

But you never used to wear gloves.

Oh...

A lady always wears gloves to a ball.

This ring. He must have give you this ring.

You married him. Why?

Because... and there can only be one reason,

because you wanted to.

He's here in New Orleans.

He's the one you were dancing with on the riverboat.

That's him. That's general wharton.

[Tense music playing]

[Faint thud] [Ominous music playing]

Canfield.

General wharton.

I promised Alicia you'd never set foot in gray oaks again.

[Grunts]

[Tense music playing]

[Swords clanking]

[Both grunt]

[Jennifer coughing]

[Grunts]

Hurry, Alicia.

[Jennifer] Jonathan!

Canfield!

Come on, darling.

[Jennifer] Jonathan...

[Jonathan] Keep going. Don't look back.

- [Jennifer gasps] - [Jonathan] Come on.

[Jennifer] Oh.

[Panting] Oh.

- [Jonathan coughing] - Oh.

[Jonathan] Whew.

Oh. Well,

the plantation's gonna need a fire department.

What about James?

With a doctor and the police,

I don't think he'll lack attention.

What should we do now?

Well, I don't know about you,

but I could use a bourbon and branch water.

Wait till we get home.

You mean tomorrow?

Well, look at it this way, tomorrow is another day.

[Ambient music playing]

[Music playing]

Mail call.

[Jennifer] Mm.

Thanks, Max.Great.

Thanks, Max.

Oh, here it is.

A letter from the professor. I hope it's good news.

I wonder what he's up to now.

Well, it's not exactly what he's been up to,

it's what I've been up to.

Darling,

I wrote the first chapter of a romance novel,

just like heart's desire.

No kidding. When did you have time to do that?

Well, I fit it in.

That's great, Mrs. H.

No, we'll see how great it is when I read

what the professor has to say. He's the expert.

I wanted his expert advice

on whether or not I should continue.

- Ah. - Well, what does he have to say?

"Dear Jennifer. Your style is crisp,

clear and clean, and will appeal to every admirer of Fitzgerald,

Hemingway and twain."

Not bad.

"However, admirers of these authors

simply do not read romance novels.

I suggest you abandon this project,

and return to the kind of writing

taught in my class.

In other words, don't do as I do,

do as I say. Much love, Elliott."

What does he know?

Well,

he did sell millions of paperbacks.

Well, darling,

maybe you're the hardcover type.

Don't worry, Mrs. H.

If he can write like Victoria Gregory,

you can write like... Like Mickey spillane.

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