Original subtitles

[Max] This is my boss, Jonathan hart,

a self-made millionaire.

He's quite a guy.

This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.

She's one lady who knows how to take care of herself.

By the way, my name is Max.

I take care of both of them, which ain't easy,

'cause when they met, it was murder.

[Theme music playing]

[Barks]

[Jennifer singing] ♪ la, la, la, la ♪

♪ la, la, la, la ♪

[Freeway barking]

Happy anniversary. How was the dinner?

Fabulous.

Everything ready, Max?

All set, Mr. H.

How would you like to come upstairs

for a little coffee and Brandy?

Upstairs for a little coffee and Brandy?

What are you two up to?

[Jennifer laughs]

It's a surprise.

[Laughing] Oh, a surprise.

- I love surprises. - Come on.

[Jennifer] A surprise.

[Jonathan] I think you're gonna like this.

I love surprises.

Enjoy.

Thanks, Max.

All right, tell me when I can look.

Keep your hand over your eyes.

Okay. You ready?

- Yes. - Look.

Oh!

[Jennifer] What is that?

[Jonathan] It's a bed.

Well, it's not just a bed, it's the bed.

- Oh... - The bed in which we spent

our wedding night.

Oh, in that little inn in napa valley.

Oh, darling. How did you get it?

Well, I purchased it for you and for me

and for our anniversary.

And I can't think of a better way to spend tonight

and all the nights together.

Oh, god, darling,

that is so romantic

and sentimental

and sensitive.

It's the wrong bed.

Darling, you've had a little too much champagne.

When I called the inn,

Mr. Appleroth guaranteed that this was the bed.

No, no, no. No.

The one we had was painted

with lovely little flowers.

Don't you remember?

You're right.

Oh, but that's all right. It doesn't matter.

It's the thought that counts.

But the surprise is gone.

This is not the bed.

Oh.

Well, we'd better get some sleep,

because I have a feeling we're gonna be up early.

Early?

You have that look.

What look?

That... look.

That "there are beds and there are beds" look.

Oh.

Mm.

Well, San Francisco and the napa valley

are irresistible this time of year.

So they are.

Yeah, and so are you.

You are really cute when you get

a little champagne in you, you know that?

[Jonathan] Thirsty, darling?

[Jennifer] Hm. How about you?

[Jonathan] You know me.

I'll drink no wine before its time.

[Jennifer] Well, I'm thirsty.

[Jonathan] Then I think it's about time.

Look at that.

[Jennifer] "Public auction probate sale."

September 28th. That's today.

Oh, darling, nothing's changed.

It's the same, isn't it?

Good day, may I help you?

We're looking for Mr. Appleroth.

Oh, I'm sorry. Mr. Appleroth passed on a few weeks ago.

Mr. Appleroth?

Is that the reason for the auction?

Indeed. This inn and everything in it is up for sale.

We're from Los Angeles, and when I spoke to Mr. Appleroth,

uh, it was about sending down a bed.

Well, didn't you get it?

Well, we got the bed, all right,

but it's the, uh, wrong bed.

The one we wanted had a painted headboard,

painted with little flowers and leaves.

Oh, that bed. The one in room 7. It's very pretty.

Could we see that?

Yes, of course.

It's right upstairs. Please excuse the mix-up.

If you want it, you'll have to deal with maris Thorn.

Thanks very much.

[Man] The people who just arrived are asking a lot of questions.

They could be a problem.

Solve the problem.

That's what I pay you for.

[Jonathan] Is that it?

I think so.

Oh, yes, it is. Isn't it beautiful?

Now, you're sure?

Positive.

Happy anniversary.

Oh, thank you, darling.

[Man] You're a fitting complement

to an already-romantic ambience.

Well, thank you very much.

You must be maris Thorn.

[Speaking French]

I am Jean Pierre de bonfleur.

I'm Jonathan hart.

This is my wife, Jennifer.

Enchante, madame.

Enchantee.

It is a shame one cannot immortalize that face,

framed against the lovely spring flowers

of this magnificent bed.

You're also a poet.

But mostly a lover of all things beautiful.

Oh.

[Bell rings]

The chiming of the death knell.

The auction begins.

[Indistinct chattering]

[Jennifer] Think we'll have any trouble winning our bed?

The bed you want?

If anyone is going to give you trouble, it is maris Thorn.

You see, this auction is merely a euphemism

for Thorn to gobble up yet another piece

of this lovely valley.

The march of progress.

He took our jazz club and our little theater.

What do you think will happen to this place?

Condominiums, I believe.

[Auctioneer] Ladies and gentlemen, by order of the court,

we are here today to auction this property.

Which one's Thorn?

Not here.

That man in the dark suit

is Thorn's second.

I should like to open the bidding at $500,000.

Who'll make a bid of $500,000?

- Let me get a $500,000... - [Jonathan] Uh...

Uh, excuse me, sir.

But we're here to bid only on a bed.

And I'm sure that nobody else would be interested in it.

Well, that may be, sir, but you cannot bid simply on the bed.

It is for sale though?

Yes, but the court has decreed a single sale only

on this entire parcel.

Do you mean, if we want to buy the bed, we have to buy...

This inn and the 40 acres

of prime napa valley land surrounding it.

Now, may we start the bidding at $500,000? $500,000 bid?

I want a $500,000 bid. I have. I have a $500,000 bid.

Looking for a six... Looking for a $600,000 bid.

I have $600,000. Thank you, sir.

Looking for a seven, $700,000 bid.

Who'll make it seven? Thank you, sir.

$700,000 is the bid.

- Looking for eight, $800,000 bid... - eight.

Looking for a nine, $900,000.

- Nine. - Thank you, sir.

$900,000.

$900,000 is the bid.

Do I hear one million?

$900,000, ladies and gentlemen, for this prime property.

No advances?

Are we all through?

Going once,

going twice...

$1 million.

$1 million, I have.

Thank you, sir.

Jonathan, we only want the bed.

I know, I'm buying it.

$1 million is the bid. $1 million.

$1,100,000.

$1,200,000.

$1,300,000.

$1,400,000.

[Auctioneer] Thank you, sir.

For a bed?

It's not just any bed. Hm?

$2 million.

$3 million.

You wouldn't want a stranger

to pull the bed out from under us, would you?

[Auctioneer] $3 million, I have.

$3 million.

- $4 million. - $4,500,000.

[Auctioneer] $4,500,000.

Jonathan, we won't be able to afford the sheets.

Sir?

Yes, uh...

$4,500,000 is the standing bid.

Uh, yes, right. Four million, three-quarters.

And three-quarters.

Looking for $5 million.

$5 million. Who'll give a bid of $5 million?

Who'll make it $5 million?

This is absolutely crazy.

Thank you, madam. We have a bid of $5 million.

- [Crowd gasps] - Thank you very much.

Very good, darling.

Very good.

Uh, can I take a moment, please?

- Yes, you may. - Thank you, sir.

I don't know who he is,

but we're way past the numbers you figured.

Sir, the bid is $5 million.

Do you wish to counter?

Please. Just one second, please.

Hello? Hello?

Hello?

[Auctioneer] $5 million is the bid.

$5 million.

$5 million is the bid.

Going once.

Going twice.

Sold to the gentleman and the lady for $5 million.

[All applaud]

Congratulations.

Uh, excuse me, mister...

Hart. Jonathan hart.

My name is burgish.

Mr. Burgish, this is my wife, Jennifer.

Yes. I'm sure my employer will welcome the opportunity

to offer you, uh, an immediate profit on your investment, yes?

Well, at first, we didn't want the place,

just the bed.

And now?

Now that we've thought it over,

the valley is lovely.

And the vineyard shows a great potential

for a bumper wine harvest.

And the inn...

The inn is the same as when we first stayed here.

We'd like to see it stay that way.

The world doesn't need another row of condominiums.

And all the people that did live on this place

won't have to get evicted.

We'll keep napa valley a valley,

not a development.

Come on, sweetheart, we have a few sheets to change.

[Jonathan] Well, now that we've purchased the place,

you can tell everybody that works here they're assured of their jobs.

I thank you, Mr. Hart.

The maids thank you, the pastry chef thanks you,

- the vineyard owners... - They're all welcome.

I think Mrs. Hart and I are going to enjoy being innkeepers.

Well, it's a very small inn, sir.

We're very optimistic.

Conrad Hilton started with two bellboys

and a vacancy sign.

Now, that wine cellar you were telling me about...

I'd like to warm Mrs. Hart up with something chilled.

[Jennifer groans]

Mmm...

Oh...

Darling, did you find the wine cellar?

Mm-hm.

[Jennifer] You know, I've been thinking,

do you really want champagne?

[Man] Mm-hm.

It's so chilly.

I mean, it's so cold.

If we really are gonna rechristen our bed,

I can think of something much warmer, can't you?

Hm.

[Laughs]

Is that a yes or a no?

Mm.

[Footsteps]

Jonathan?

It's me.

If me is you, then who is...?

Jonathan!

Jonathan?

[Jonathan] Yeah.

Oh, Jonathan.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I think so.

Do you know who it was?

He didn't say.

You know, this is not one of my better nights.

Are you sure you're feeling all right?

- Yeah. - Get a good night's sleep, you know?

Jonathan, it's gone!

[Car starting]

[Police radio squawking]

Yes, I heard about it yesterday. [Chuckles]

And I gotta tell you,

you went top dollar on a sack.

Well, they wouldn't let us buy just the "sack,"

so Mr. Hart had to buy the whole parcel.

It was also good business.

With the bed came 40 acres of prime vineyards,

and a very fine inn.

I see.

Sheriff, uh...

Someone by the name of maris Thorn

was our stiffest competition at the auction.

Maris Thorn a bed-napper? Well, I'll ask around.

Well, we came this far for the bed.

I'm sure a little social visit wouldn't hurt. Hm?

Thank you, sheriff.

- You bet. - Thanks, sheriff.

Bye.

[Burgish] Mr. and Mrs. Hart, what a surprise.

I'm maris Thorn. Champagne?

No, thank you.

It's always a pleasure to meet a man with flair

and, of course, the woman who inspires it.

Thank you. Mrs. Thorn, I believe

you have something that belongs to us.

[Laughs]

I was under the impression

that you had something belonging to me.

We bought the auberge fair and square.

Electronics, aerospace, educational software,

and a new research facility in Kyoto.

Now innkeeping.

It seems a little out of character, Mr. Hart.

Well, since you know so much about me,

you know that I'm diversified.

Diversified, yes. To the point of profit.

$6 million.

We're really not interested in selling the place.

Come now, Mr. Hart, we're both business people.

You surely don't intend to let the land stand idle.

Oh, the land won't stand idle.

There are people farming it,

and families have been there for years.

Well...

You both seem very firm in your decision.

I hope that innkeeping is to your liking.

To your good health, Mr. Hart.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Thorn.

Do you think they know you have the bed?

If Mr. Hart expects to see another harvest,

he better not know.

[Engine starts]

[Jennifer] Jonathan, look.

There's our bed.

Why would Thorn want our bed?

I don't know, but she's about to be short-sheeted.

Yeah?

- [Jonathan] Howdy. - What can I do for you?

Ah, sorry we're late.

- Late for what? - The pickup.

That's it, isn't it, edna?

Yeah, I think so, vern. Sign here.

I'll have a look.

Uh, well, who sent for you?

Some day we had today, huh, honey?

Sure was, vern.

Had to pull apart a six-car pileup.

A semi jackknifed right across the road.

- Out there on 391. - Closed four lanes.

Now, what's that in there?

Yeah, what is that?

Well...

Well, that's a, uh, winepress.

- No kidding. - That's right.

- They don't make these anymore. - [Car starting]

Used to do everything by hand.

That sure must've been a lot of work.

Yeah, it was. I tell you, though,

there's a lot to be said for those days...

You see this wagon right here?

No engines, no motors, just horses.

No complications.

You just fed 'em and they did the work for you.

- Who did you say sent for you? - [Metallic clang]

Hey, hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute!

Stop! Wait! Come back!

Tell me, burgish, were you watching the bed or sleeping in it?

It was not me, it was clanton. He let her get away with it.

Clanton was your responsibility.

Appleroth died because he was stupid.

How do you expect me to deal with your incompetence?

Please. They can't go far with that bed.

I know I can catch up with them.

Rephrase that. You have to catch up with them.

I want that bed.

I swear to you, the bed isn't here.

Hey, relax, munsen. We know who has it.

The harts. We just don't know where they have it.

The harts?

And you'll drop them in the well with poor old Mr. Appleroth.

Hey, munsen, you do have a big mouth.

You promised me money.

I want what's coming to me now or count me out.

If you insist.

The well?

No.

Two accidents in the same hole

might be straining credibility.

That car look familiar?

[Jennifer] Thorn.

I think it would be wise

if we looked for other accommodations.

But why? This is our hotel,

and it's our bed.

Why should we be intimidated by these people?

That's why.

[Tires squeal]

[Honking]

Move that car. Get that car out. Move it.

[Jonathan] I think we're too easy to spot on a main road.

A car pulling a bed?

I thought we'd blend in with all the other cars pulling a bed.

We'd better pull off and hide somewhere.

[Munsen] They must have pulled off somewhere.

Well, to get anywhere, they're going to have to come back

to the main road sooner or later.

We wait.

[Jonathan] Well, what do you think?

Well, I don't see any vacancy signs.

Darling, there has to be a lovely inn in the next town.

Well, we just can't park this rig in the street

and get our bed ripped off again.

Why is our bed such an object of desire?

I don't know. But in the morning,

I'm gonna tell sheriff reinhardt about its sudden popularity.

[Cow lowing]

[Jonathan] You comfortable?

[Jennifer] Oh, yes.

[Jonathan] I think we were lucky

to have found this place.

That farmer must think we're crazy.

I just told him that we were on our honeymoon,

and you didn't wanna spend the night in a strange bed.

[Both laugh]

Darling, this is becoming

the strangest bed I ever slept in.

Why don't we...

Make it more familiar?

Oh.

That's better.

Isn't that better?

[Cow moos]

[Cow lows]

[Dog barking]

[Starts engine]

[Gasps]

They finally surfaced.

Hey!

Wait a minute!

Remind me to send flowers to the harts' funeral.

[Jonathan] I hope we don't run into sheriff reinhardt.

Why?

My license is in the car.

[Car horn honks]

[Tires screech]

They won't get very far. I promise you.

[Church bell tolling]

No. Move!

[People screaming]

I'm already spoken for.

Me too!

[Car horns honking]

[Jennifer screams]

[Both scream]

Oh, darling, don't rock the bed.

Hurry!

Hold on. Just hang on.

We're not going anywhere.

I hope.

Sorry, but it looks like you need some sort of special key

to take this thing apart. I can't help you.

Well, thanks very much. You really did save our lives.

We've gotta get to San Francisco.

We're gonna ship this bed down to L.A.

You're from Los Angeles?

Yeah.

That explains it.

You know, our bed seems to bring out the worst in people.

Somebody should know why.

What about that friend of yours, the antique dealer

in ghirardelli square?

Grappelli?

If this really is a priceless antique,

he certainly would know.

Could he ship it to L.A. for us?

Of course.

But, darling, how are we gonna get to San Francisco

without falling into Mrs. Thorn's briar patch?

Could I talk to you a moment?

[Jennifer] Darling, I think we overpaid that farmer

for this piece of junk.

An ear for an ear.

We did wreck his corn stand.

I just hope this thing makes it to San Francisco.

I have a feeling the police are gonna be

very interested in Mrs. Thorn.

Darling, this is all beginning to look awfully familiar.

[Engine backfires]

[Cow moos]

Deja vu.

Your French is improving.

It's a lot better than my navigation.

We've been driving around in a complete circle.

Well, we're certainly getting to know this place well.

Well, we did slept rather soundly here last night.

So we did.

You know, I'm a little disappointed in Jean Pierre.

Yeah, why?

Because I thought he was one of the good guys.

Just another one of Thorn's heavies.

She has unique taste in henchmen.

- [Dripping] - Not to mention furniture.

[Dripping]

[Jennifer gasps]

Darling, move the truck forward.

Something is spilling all over the bed.

[Starts engine]

Okay?

Oh, it's all wet up here.

Do you have a rag in the truck?

- Here you go. - Oh, great.

It's wine.

Oh.

Oh, the paint's coming off.

Our bed's gonna be ruined.

Maybe you better leave it.

Wait a minute.

There's something under here.

Look at that.

It's a painting.

Looks like a Madonna or something.

Maybe that's what they were after.

Lovely,

isn't it?

Fra angelico,

a master of the renaissance.

I was wondering when you were going to show up.

Forgive the gun.

I certainly would not wish to use it.

Is this what you and Thorn were after?

And you, monsieur hart?

This is the first time we've ever seen it.

I thought perhaps you had struck a bargain

with the late monsieur appleroth.

So now you want to steal the painting that's in our bed?

One cannot steal what has already been stolen.

Did you put that there?

That was the work of monsieur appleroth,

a lowly middleman in this vast network

of international art smuggling.

Obviously, he chose to renege on his arrangement

with the relentless madame Thorn.

He certainly paid for his deceit,

as did his caretaker, monsieur munsen,

who no longer cares for anything.

[Thorn] Well, well.

You're finally earning your money. Here it is.

But who's driving it?

[Car door opens]

It's going to be a bit crowded in here.

Maybe, um, a couple of us could leave.

That will not be necessary.

[Jennifer] Are we gonna try and outrun them in this clunker?

I'm gonna give them a little handicap.

[Car engine starts]

[Gunshot]

[Jennifer] Do you think we're gonna be able to make it to San Francisco?

[Jonathan] It's all downhill from here.

- [Engine grinding] - Uh-oh.

I guess San Francisco is uphill.

[Coughing]

[Jennifer] What's the verdict, doctor?

It looks like it needs intensive care.

- Hello. - Oh, hi, there.

We were hoping to get to San Francisco.

No.

No?

No.

No.

Yup.

- Thanks a lot. - Thanks.

Lot of fog in San Francisco.

[Coughs]

The man they bought the truck from says they're on their way

to grappelli's in ghirardelli square.

Apparently it's a place that specializes

in deals of this kind.

If the harts are so enamored with their bed,

perhaps we should put them to sleep in it... permanently.

[Jennifer] Do you think we look conspicuous, darling?

I don't know, but this thing's a real sleeper.

[Whistle blows]

[Whistles]

[Jennifer] Grappelli's. That's our man.

Paintings and antiques.

Wait!

Well, at least he left us our car.

Yeah, but I doubt he left us our keys. Come on.

Hey, taxi!

Hey, follow that bed.

What did you say?

Follow that bed.

- Oh, that bed. - [Engine starts]

[Burgish] It's the harts' bed.

Can the harts be far behind?

[Tires squeal]

[Jennifer] Well, things are definitely not looking up.

Excuse me. Have you a telephone?

- By the little boys' room. - Thank you.

[Jennifer] What should we do now?

[Jonathan] Drop back and punt.

Must be the bed for the new display.

Hell of a way to ship it.

[Chuckles]

Just a minute. Just a minute.

What is that?

It's a new bed.

Well, it's all wrong.

It's French provincial.

It destroys the entire Spanish motif.

Get this thing out of here.

[Speaking French]

Come on. This thing is a mess.

I'm surrounded by philistines.

[Speaking French]

Pardon me, but that is my bed.

Thank heavens.

[Jonathan] Hold it! Hold it.

Look at that.

Here you go. Thanks.

[Driver] Thank you. Thanks a million.

[Jean Pierre] And the picture you see here is very valuable.

Drop that bed.

Monsieur hart, I have no argument with you.

- Allow me to... - That's stolen property.

Now, just a minute.

If not for me, madame Thorn would've had you by now.

Before we're finished,

Mrs. Thorn is gonna be had by the police.

Did I hear my name?

This is a total invasion of my space.

This is our bed.

Burgish.

Oh, my god, stop it.

For heaven's sake, stop it.

This is a disaster.

Stop! Nobody move!

- Sorry we took so long. - Thank god you're here.

These people are killers.

That's absolutely absurd.

Somebody turn that damn fan off.

I will show you where the bodies are.

You?

Madame hart is alluding to my role in this episode.

They're the ones you want. They've got the painting.

- Us? - Yes.

You stole the bed first.

And then he stole it.

But madame...

He stole our car.

But monsieur...

Then he chased us through half of northern California.

And he tried to take our painting.

Should we cuff these two, inspector?

No, no.

We do not want the painting. We only want the bed.

Wait a minute.

Inspector?

Oui, monsieur.

You're an inspector?

Yes, madame. I am with Interpol.

Now, the French ministry of culture and your government

have given me carte blanche to take on this case.

Take them away. These two.

And you people are gonna hear from my lawyers.

I'll have your badge for this.

Well, I'm so sorry, inspector.

It's quite all right, madame hart.

So all you were really trying to do was retrieve the painting?

Oui, madame,

but in the pursuit, another matter has come to my attention.

Come. I will show you. Come.

It is as I suspected.

What?

[Jonathan] "Mimi"?

Madame, monsieur hart.

I am sorry to say,

but I have a warrant for your bed.

For the bed?

What did it do?

It is an heirloom of France.

This was the bed of Mimi le monde.

- Where is she? - Who is she?

Not well. She is quite dead.

Oh.

Mimi was the infamous maid

of the infamous madame de pompadour.

Oh.

Therefore, I now reclaim this bed

in the name of France.

C'est la vie.

Oh, wasn't that nice of Jean Pierre

to let us spend another night in Mimi's bed?

Well, after all, if it wasn't for us,

they wouldn't have gotten it back.

You're absolutely right.

Besides, I think Mimi would highly approve.

Mimi sounds to me like a girl who approved of everything.

[Laughs]

You know, Mimi and her bed

have had a tremendous influence on us.

Yeah.

Don't you think that

we're doing an awful lot of talking about Mimi?

Oh, did you wanna talk about something else?

Actually, I didn't wanna talk about anything.

Oh.

[Jennifer] Oh, Jonathan.

I've always wanted to play the palace.

[Theme music playing]