Original subtitles

Freeze, Coyote!

♪ ♪

Hold it right there, Coyote!

Ha! One step ahead of you.

(panting): Señor, I am not Coyote.

Coyote hired me as a decoy.

Fartsocks!

Well, it's been a great three weeks.

Time to go back to Mexico.

You've been a good sport, Bud.

(quietly): I'm not Bud.

I'm just a decoy Bud hired.

♪ ♪

Ah, this is the life, Decoy Coyote.

What the hell?

Are you Janice's decoy?

Uh, yeah.

(screeches)

♪ Ooh! ♪

♪ Ha! ♪

♪ Ooh! ♪

♪ Ha! ♪

Whoa!

Ah, another tough day of working for the Man.

Hola, man. Looking good.

J.C., can I have my chair?

I'd like to take a load off.

Sorry, Uncle Ernesto. I can't get up.

I'm participating in a virtual sit-in.

We're protesting the destruction

of the red-breasted sparrow's habitat.

(bulldozers whirring, people screaming)

(crackling)

Uncle Ernesto, your laptop died for a noble cause.

Damn it, J.C. I wasn't done

Photoshopping myself into famous lawns.

You know, J.C., it's time you left the virtual world

and entered the real one.

Starting tomorrow, you're coming to work with me,

as part of my crew.

Yeah, you're a Mexican.

Only babies under the age of six days don't work.

I fixed the plumbing.

Gracias, baby plumber.

What?! 350 tickles?!

What the Kimmy Schmidt?

Hey! Get out of here, you ostrich!

I can't see the border!

The hell you doin'? This is government property.

Now get!

(grunts)

This, for my lumbar,

is actually nice.

Got to get rid of that office chair.

(instrumental hip-hop playing)

Gert, your brother is really going for it.

Don't you want to move a little more?

I stopped dancin' three minutes ago.

This is just the fat moving on its own.

Daddy!

What's the matter? You look down.

Well, you're shorter than me. It's the only way I can see you.

But I'm also bummed 'cause I can't get rid of this bird.

Well, if anyone can solve a problem, it's you!

You stole the money that fixed my cleft palate,

nose, forehead and chin.

You were born split entirely in half, Gert.

You had Downs-The-Middle-Syndrome.

Wow, look at you.

My workin' man.

Ha, where'd you get that uniform, the Idiot Store?

No. My uncle gave it to me.

I should know better than to tangle with a college wit.

J.C., you know, I like the idea of you having a job.

My fiancé, bringin' home the bacon.

It's sexy.

Really? Maybe later I'll landscape your garden.

Oh. I'll provide the manure.

Welcome, J.C.

Everybody, this is my nephew.

He just graduated from college.

I just want to say, I don't expect to be treated

any different on account of my advanced degrees.

Also, I brought doughnuts...

to eat for lunch!

So please don't touch them!

I've never had a job before.

Is bringing doughnuts for everybody a thing?

J.C., what do you want your nickname to be?

Uh, I don't know. The Blade?

(chuckles) I'm the Blade.

Pick one you can handle.

All right, men, let's go over today's assignments.

Martinez, you're on grass.

Fernandez, I'm putting you on grass today.

Diaz? You take grass.

Lopez, grass time, okay? Ready?

ALL: ¡Uno, dos, tres! Grass!

Uh, Uncle Ernesto,

the term "backbreaking labor" is just an expression, right?

(bones cracking)

Hola, Ernesto.

Happy 19th birthday, Benito!

J.C., could you pick up leaves a little faster?

I'm going as fast as I can.

♪ Oh, little leaf, you've done well to provide ♪

♪ An oasis of shade when we set foot outside ♪

♪ Your time is done now, your trials are through ♪

♪ But we'll always remember you ♪

♪ Oh, little leaf... ♪

(whirring)

What have you done?!

Sorry, Uncle. It's just one hair.

Oh, J.C., how little you know!

There can be only one.

(grunting)

Eso.

(shouts)

Now, where were we?

Which Ernesto are you?

Does it matter?

All right, time to get rid of this nuisance ostrich.

Hey, friend!

Let's do ostrich stuff away from the station.

(trilling)

Uh-oh.

(grunts) No! Stop! Let me go!

Don't ask.

MALE VOICE: And then a little later...

So, J.C.,

how was your first day on Ernesto's crew?

Ugh, it was hell. Uncle Ernesto,

your crew needs more breaks and better working conditions.

I only worked one day, and look at these blisters.

I used to get blisters.

But I kept working, and now look.

Enough, Ernesto!

The budget for proving how tough your hands are

is out of control!

I tell you, it's bad enough

I get humiliated every day by immigrants.

Now this damn ostrich won't leave me alone.

You know, Bud, maybe that ostrich is there to protect you.

In Native American culture, we believe everyone has a guardian

that watches over them.

It's called a spirit animal.

A spirit what?

A spirit animal.

A what animal?

A spirit animal.

A spirit what?

Bud, repeat after me:

a... A...

spirit... spirit...

animal. What?

I'm gonna kill him.

Spirit animal says chill out, bro.

Ernesto, why do you have to push J.C. so hard?

He's delicate.

I push him because he needs to learn

how to survive in the real world.

Sure, he's educated and knows a lot,

but he doesn't know how to do anything.

That's not true.

He made progressive G.I. Joes for Pepito.

I have serious moral qualms about this war.

Hey, Steve.

Hey, Buckwald. Let me give you a little tip.

Oh, wait, you already have it in your pants

because it's your penis. Boo-yah!

Ow! What the... Ow! (squawks)

Hey! You asked for it, buddy.

They don't give yellow belts to just anybody.

You got to pay ten bucks and show up to the class.

Leg sweep!

Thanks, ostrich.

Wow. Maybe George was right.

Maybe you are my spearmint caramel.

SOUTHERN NARRATOR: Well, looks like ol' Bud's found himself a spirit animal.

Now watch me turn the picture upside-down.

Neat trick, huh?

Hey, guys. Why isn't anyone working?

Did someone see a caterpillar? I want it!

Uncle Ernesto, as the leader of the newly-formed

Landscapers Union of Mexifornia,

I'd like to see some improvements

to the working conditions before these men go back to work.

You unionized my workers?!

He's our Cesar Chavez!

And I'm our Samantha!

OTHERS: Oh, Straight Gardener Jorge.

We want better pay, health benefits

and access to the executive washroom.

(gasps) Never!

J.C., how would you know what fair working conditions are?

You never worked a day in your life.

That's it. Drop your rakes, fellas.

We're on strike!

(cheering)

What?! Fine!

(tires screech)

Uh, Aunt Maria, can you come pick me up?

Okay, honey.

Ernesto, I need you to pick up J.C. from the job site.

(groans) Okay.

(tires screeching)

Is there a good strike word that rhymes with "Ernesto"?

(grumbles) "Protest-o."

Hmm. Could you give me a few more options at dinner?

J.C., how could you lead my workers on strike?

I treat them very fairly.

Those men work in dangerous conditions without benefits.

They deserve a voice.

Unions are worthless! If you're mad at your boss,

you just chop off his head and toss it around in the streets.

Every country that's ever gone nowhere does that!

J.C., my workers were happy before you showed up.

They loved the pranks I pull.

I once switched everyone's rakes and no one noticed for a month.

(chuckles) When I told them,

boy, did they nod and acknowledge it.

History is rife with worker exploitation,

and I have a moral obligation to do what's right.

Hey, you guys, there's no fighting at the dinner table.

No fair! The Buckwalds get to fight at the dinner table!

You son of a bitch!

(grunting) Get off me, you fat dick!

Ernesto, you shouldn't have pushed J.C. so hard.

And then he said... Maria, I'm tired

of you coddling J.C. just because he's your nephew.

And meanwhile, you're heartlessly cruel to our kitten.

(meows)

Why are you playing with that yarn?

Get back to work, you feline trash!

Look, Ernesto, can't you just meet him halfway?

No, Maria, I can't.

Look, I have nothing against unions,

but this strike is just J.C. doing what he always does:

finding clever ways to get out of work.

I've worked three jobs my entire life,

and I can't get him to work just one.

Well, time for my next job.

Hey, are we out of undetectable steroids?

ANNOUNCER: And now HBO's Girls.

Our generation is just so frustrating.

Ew. This is the grossest baloney commercial I've ever seen.

Daddy, what you doin'

with one them lesbians from Orange is the New Black?

Everyone, this is my new buddy.

Now, I know what you're thinkin':

Bud's brought home another man in an animal costume.

But this ostrich is real and the furry stage of my life is over.

Well, Bud, I wasn't expecting company for dinner,

so that ostrich is just gonna have to eat what we're eating:

roots, seeds, insects and small rodents.

Daddy, I've been looking so forward to you getting home.

Can we play now?

No, Gert, I'm distracted by this ostrich.

Okay. Well, maybe we can play later.

(phone rings) BUD: Sorry, Gert. I'm at an ostrich pageant.

Ooh, he's singing "Wind Beneath My Wings."

I think it's about me!

♪ ♪

ALL (chanting): The gardeners protesto the wages of Ernesto!

J.C., why are you doing this?

You only worked one day. Shouldn't you give it more time?

Your concern shouldn't be with Uncle Ernesto,

it should be with his workers.

(knocking) Hey, J.C., any progress with the strike?

We can't afford to pay our rent.

Don't you have an uncle you can stay with?

All right, hang on.

Aunt Maria, can my union brothers stay here?

MARIA: As long as they stay in your room.

(sucks air through teeth) She says no.

Hey, Ernesto, I heard J.C. led your workers on strike.

What you need is a spirit animal, like my ostrich here.

What does that do?

Bud, is that your ostrich?

(chuckles) When it comes to climate change,

you both have your heads in the sand.

(gasps) The prophecy!

Hey, has anyone seen my ostrich?

We got doubles tennis in 20 minutes

against Bryce and his alpaca.

I don't know, Daddy, but what's this?

A note I wrote... I mean, found.

"Dear Daddy"-- that's crossed out--

"Dear Gert's Daddy, you should spend more time with me."

Nope, the "me" is crossed out-- "with your gorgeous daughter.

"Which is why I called animal services on myself.

Love, Gert." No, that's crossed out,

"Love, Gert's Daddy's Ostrich."

Oh, that's too bad, Daddy. But I'll play with you.

I'll even eat them worms you been feedin' it.

Theys can play with the worms that's already in me.

(crying): Not now, Gert.

I can't believe my ostrich is gone!

And he had the second-best bird penmanship I've ever seen.

(chanting): The gardeners protesto the wages of Ernesto!

(chanting continues)

This has gone too far.

The Mexifornia Golf Club threatened to fire me

if I don't get the course done by tomorrow.

Ernesto, that's your biggest account.

I can't landscape it without my crew.

Ah, you're weak. When I was your age,

I could mow eight soccer stadiums, three plazas

and a park, and still have the energy to beat you

and cheat on your mother every single day of the week.

What do we want? ALL: ¿Que?

When do we want it? ALL: ¿Que?

Hey, Aunt Maria.

J.C., it's time to call off the strike.

What? I have an obligation to see this through.

I-I made a promise to these men,

just like I did to my foster kid.

Can I visit my mom's grave?

Uh, sure, you can have popcorn.

Ernesto took you in when you were a child and supported you,

and now you're about to cost him his biggest client.

I've coddled you for too long.

It's time you found somewhere else to live.

What?! But I've lived here my whole life

while my not-dead parents have been on vacation.

One day they're gonna come back, and you'll be sorry!

If you can't support Ernesto,

you're going to have to learn to support yourself.

You know, I must have hit my head during that strike,

'cause remind me-- what do you do for a living?

(knocking)

Hey, Becky, I need to move in. Maria kicked me out.

I'm sorry, J.C., but I can't let you stay here.

What?

This strike is just you once again avoiding work.

I won't marry someone who can't support himself,

let alone a family.

Becky, that's not true.

Look, let me just stay the night...

(grunts) You don't get to be Steven Seagal's body double

without learning a thing or two.

Ms. Buckwald, Mr. Seagal has gained a lot of weight,

so for his next movie, you're still going to need

to lose some weight, but not as much as we initially thought.

(passing trunk horn blares)

I'll have a vodka tonic.

Sorry, we don't serve miners.

(rimshot)

You look down, Becky's annoying fiancé.

My family kicked me out,

and Becky won't let me stay with her.

I don't know what to do.

Sounds to me like what you need

is more experience being kicked out of places.

Like us on Facebook!

(knocking)

What the...

Ostrich! You've come back!

(purring) Oh, I was with other animals,

but I never stopped thinking of you.

Hey, Ernesto. What's going on?

My crew is gone, and I'm about to lose my business.

Also, I just made the National League All-Star team,

so there goes my mid-July.

Well, you did the right thing

kickin' that freeloader J.C. out.

I just wish Janice would let me do the same thing to Sanford.

I bet right now he's sitting in my chair, drinking my beer.

Come on, Bud, Sanford would never do that to you.

(phone chimes)

He's a good kid. You should get him walkie-talkies

and two paintball guns.

MARIA: You know nothing of the workers' plight

because you've never been one.

BECKY: I can't marry someone who can't support himself.

BOY: I'm that kid you watched drown at camp.

I know you took the candy from my bunk after I died.

Hey, everybody.

I'm back from my climate change rally.

If we don't do something soon,

we're gonna lose the Nebraska Coast.

What's going on?

It's your uncle's retirement party.

How can you all sit here and celebrate when our country

is nowhere near as fair and just as North Korea,

which would've been an insane thing to say 30 years ago

but now makes sense? (doorbell rings)

Oh, I hope you don't mind, J.C.,

I invited Becky and her husband, two-term governor David Ortega.

Two-term governor David Ortega?

We're so honored to have you in our home.

Hello, J.C., I saw you had a letter to the editor

published in the Time Magazine with my husband on the cover.

J.C., I like the ponytail.

Very considerate of you

to give your boyfriend a handle. (doorbell rings)

Uhp, that's the men from the government.

They're here to take you for the Culling.

So smart of you to pass this law, Governor Ortega.

So smart of you to select J.C. to be killed.

(screams)

No, please! I'll get a job.

(laughter) What a dick.

Want to make love on his corpse?

No... Becky, no!

She's right, I've been such a jerk.

Wow, that dream felt so real.

(moaning)

Guys, I was wrong.

Ernesto is a fair boss, and we need to save his business.

J.C., it's too late for that.

You let us down, and now we've had to take the only job

12 men with just a high school education can get.

We're the Minnesota Timberwolves.

(giggling)

BUD: Oh, so this is what it's like to not want to die.

What's wrong, Gert?

I miss Daddy.

Ever since he met that ostrich, I never see him no more.

Oh, Gert, your daddy still loves you just as much as ever.

This bird may be a novelty for him,

but you'll always be his favorite wild animal.

(chuckling): Oh, ostrich,

they can call themselves that, but you can't.

I guess I got to save Ernesto's business myself.

MAN: Hey, it's the guy those bums were having sex on.

Whoa.

Look at the size of this place.

(screams)

(gasps)

An endangered red-breasted sparrow.

Damn it, the one day I have to be a capitalist pig.

What are you doing on my course?!

Finishing the job. For Gonzalez Landscaping.

This is the worst landscaping job I've ever seen.

And my wife is taking a watercolors class

at community college.

Tell Ernesto he's fired.

What?! No.

You can't fire him. It's my fault. Please.

He took me in, and now I've ruined his life.

Oh... (cries)

(bird chirping)

Wait. You've got endangered

red-breasted sparrows on your course.

If environmentalists heard about this,

they'd have your course shut down.

Maybe you'll give Gonzalez Landscaping another chance.

You've won this round.

Also, this is the only round,

so you've won the whole thing. Congratulations.

Thanks for landscaping that entire golf course

and saving my business.

Uncle Ernesto, I'm sorry for calling the strike.

Thankfully, you got your crew back,

because you treat them so well.

I'm so proud of you.

What suddenly got you so motivated?

I had this crazy dream where I'd lost you.

Oh, J.C., you'll never lose me.

(knocking)

Hi. I'm two-term manager of Wing Stop David Ortega.

I just had to meet our best customer.

Oh. (screams)

Hey, everybody, guess what I did todid... today...

Aah! Let me come in again.

Everyone, dinnertime.

Mmm, smells good.

Well, I can't take all the credit.

Gert was my little helper.

I cooked it especially for you, Daddy.

(Bud gasps)

Ostrich!

I hope you learned your lesson, Daddy.

I'm number one in your life. Me.

Now eat the flesh of your best friend

just like you did during Desert Storm.

SOUTHERN NARRATOR: Well, ol' Bud lost his spirit animal

just as quickly as he got it.

And it turns out I ain't the only cannibal on this show.

Who'da thunk it?

Oh, hey, Ernesto.

Glad to see you got your business back on its feet.

Yeah, me, too. What a week.

I guess we both learned a lot.

Yep, that all strikes are caused by lazy liberals avoiding work,

and rare birds should be fair game for huntin'.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH