Original subtitles

Huh, getting a little lazy with the disguises, aren't we?

Hold it right there, Coyote.

Señor, I'm not sneaking into your country.

I'm fleeing the Kaiju.

Oh, come on, you think I'm gonna fall for that? (gasps)

(roars)

It is the Kaiju.

Activate the Border Bot.

See that, Coyote?

Border Patrol is ready for Kai...

¡Viva Coyote!

(throws grito)

Fartsocks!

Hey, Bud, the Kaiju's dead,

so we're gonna go smash my ex-wife's house.

Want to come?

(screeches)

♪ Ooh! ♪

♪ Ha! ♪

♪ Ooh! ♪

♪ Ha! ♪

Whoa!

Moving on, Jigsaw, I know you have

a lot to say about campaign finance reform.

The key to fixing our broken democracy is hidden

behind your eyeball.

Is everybody ready?

Time for church.

Do we really have to go to church?

Please just do this for me.

It's important to my parents.

Sigmund Freud and Carl Sagan never went to church.

We were wrong!

All the nonsense is true!

Get back in the fire, you eggheads!

(screaming)

Is Sanford coming to church?

Yes, he is.

Let's go, Sanford.

(groans) Why do I got to go to church?

I don't want to be born again.

The first time was gross enough.

Ooh, meatball!

BUD: Janice, where the hell is my usher jacket?!

Uh-oh, it looks like one of the Muncies' dogs is wearing it.

(door slams)

Hey, give me that jacket.

You're not an usher!

Oh, what the hell?!

Get back here with my clothes!

Excuse me, did you gentlemen happen to see

which way that pack of dogs went?

(barks)

Is everybody ready for church?

What would Jesus do?

Ernesto.

Pepito, if you think Señor God's wrath is bad,

wait until you see mine when I get my chancla.

You'll never dress me!

You're old and tired and a girl!

Goal...!

Is everyone ready to go to Jesus's?

I am.

Let's vámonos, everyone!

(door closes) Uncle Jorge is so pious.

Last week, he spent two hours in the confession booth.

Even when other guys came in, he didn't leave.

¡Hola, Bud!

Happy Sunday.

Wow, nice jacket.

It's for being an usher,

the most important job in the church.

If there had been an usher at the Last Supper,

Jewish would not have been given a seat.

I think his name was Judas.

Yeah, that's what I said-- "Judish,"

as in the Judes, the people that killed Jesus.

They named their religion after him-- "Judasism."

It's a well-known, hysterical fact.

(hymn playing)

(organ playing)

God, you made the Earth,

but I made the Earth look good...

Pride, Ernesto.

I'm sorry, Sister!

(hymn playing)

Oh, I can't believe I married an usher.

You're the prettiest usher's wife.

(giggles)

You hear that, you cow?

Who do you think pays for all this?

You're all sheep, being fleeced by a con artist.

Con artist?

If Reverend Fantastic is such a bad guy,

then how come he's always giving cops money?

BUD: Hey, Ernesto, enjoy your lame church!

Oh, we will, Bud!

I'm the church jokester.

So when everyone sits, I'm gonna kneel.

(giggles)

They'll gnaw the gay out of you yet!

(roars)

Welcome, brethren and "sisteren."

Bub Duckwald, usher... no, no, no.

Uh, Bud Ushwald, bucker...

No, no, that's not it.

Um, Ush Budwald, ucklerb.

Yeah, that sounds right.

Oh, my God, is that Steve's wife?

Yeah, she's had a little work done.

Coveting! That's a covet!

You're all coveting my wife!

Watch those eyes, coveter!

You're all going to hell!

Isn't that lipstick a bit much for church?

She's so beautiful, I wish my mama would murder her.

Hey, Becky, will you be

at youth ministry this week?

My dad put another gun in his mouth at Mervyn's.

Uh, sure, Allie.

You're a youth minister?!

How can you participate in this church crap?

Our mockery of this stuff is the basis of our whole relationship.

When I was a kid, I didn't have a lot of friends.

This was the one place I felt accepted.

I want to help other kids like me.

My God, they brainwashed you

into making the world a better place.

It's insidious.

What other secrets are you keeping from me?

None.

(whimpers)

You know, if you'd like some privacy,

we have a special area to make you feel more comfortable.

It's called your house!

ANNOUNCER: Living Bible Megachurch,

get ready to worship...!

(audience boos)

Hey, it's the guy who gives me an erection

whenever I see a hot man!

And now your pastor,

Reverend Fantastic!

(audience cheers)

This is a circus.

♪ Let us proclaim our shame at being born ♪

♪ We suck. ♪

Good morning, fine people of Mexifornia.

Let us begin today's worship with the word of Gid.

God, sir. God, right, right.

I can never remember that guy's name.

God, if it be thy divine will,

join your humble and devoted followers on stage four!

(audience gasps)

It's God!

He's here, he's really here!

Oh, great and powerful God,

what message do you have for your faithful servants?

Give generously or you will be visited by pestilence.

And if you need God-like narration at your next party,

I know a really good guy, Gary Perkins, and you can e-mail him

at Gary_Perkins@SBDGlobal.net.

Hire him or face the wrath of me, Gary...

I mean God! God Perkins.

Oh, come on, people.

How can you be so gullible?

There's clearly a guy operating that

from behind that curtain.

Don't look behind the curtain!

(shrieks)

(whimpers)

Hey, how are we doing?

Not good-- have you heard the expression

"you can't take blood from a stone"?

Not if it's from the Bible.

It's our congregation-- they're growing old

and holding on to every nickel they have. Look.

This church needs some high rollers.

We've got to catch us a whale.

Well, our spy cameras found a big fish

at the Catholic church next door.

His name is Ernesto Gonzalez.

He lives next door to Bud Buckwald.

If we can get him to recruit Gonzalez,

maybe you can keep your jet.

That jet has a lot of fond memories for me.

My second wife was born on that thing.

Mr. Buckwald!

Great ushering today.

You know, part of being an usher

is helping the church recruit new members.

So we'd like you to help us

recruit your neighbor, Ernesto Gonzalez.

What?! But he belongs to the Mexican church.

He can't come to ours; he'll ruin it.

Come on, Bud.

Adding a few Mexicans will only spice things up.

Haven't you ever been to an orgy?

Only to deliver a pizza.

Why does the reverend want to recruit Ernesto to our church?

Church is supposed to be my place.

For one hour a week, I'm not some miserable grunt

at a border station-- I'm important.

Why does the reverend got to ruin it?

Why else would he want Ernesto?

He wants his money.

Face it, Bud, Reverend Fantastic doesn't care

if you let Jesus into your heart,

as long as you let him into your wallet.

Great line. Can I use it?

Hey, I learned from the best.

We should hang out sometime. That would be awesome.

Sure, I'll tell the court I saw that minor come onto you.

(knocking on door)

Uh, that's the reverend now.

Hello, Reverend, welcome.

Very smart, Mr. Buckwald.

Buying a spare house where you can defecate anywhere

and keep the smell away from your regular house.

This is my regular house.

Right, right, as I was saying,

beautiful house, and your daughters look

exactly like women.

¡Hola, Bud!

Hola, Bud's bud.

Ernesto, are you looking

for salvation, redemption and compassion?

My cousins?

No, they're in the kitchen.

I'm trying to invite you to my church.

Oh, thanks, Bud, but I'm happy with my church.

I've been there 20 years.

The church gave me my first landscaping job.

Uh, I think your friend is looking in my wife's window.

Oh, right, right.

I was just looking into your home

for signs of the Lord's presence,

and indeed he has left remnants of his beard

in the middle of your wife.

Come on, Ernesto, just give my church a try.

Time magazine called us "appalling."

ERNESTO: I'm pretty sure that's not a compliment,

but Bud's been speaking English his entire life,

so I should probably defer to him.

(sighs) Okay, Bud,

if it means that much to you,

I guess I could come to a service.

Really? Well, that's traffic.

(groans)

Well, I'd better get back to the church.

I'm on 'shrooms,

and the vibes in this neighborhood are terrible.

Mrs. Gonzalez, you guys are churchgoers.

How do you deal with J.C.'s hostility toward religion?

Well, he wasn't always that way.

J.C. used to be the most religious one in our family.

You're kidding.

He was kind of insufferable.

Sin! Sin!

"Thou shalt remember the Sabbath day, and keep it holy."

It's a day of rest, you sinners!

Ah...

Sin! The sin of sloth!

(Maria and Ernesto giggle, moan)

Sinners! Sinners!

J.C., we're married.

That better be a milk mustache.

Father, I would like to confess

that I confessed a false confession,

because I didn't have a confession to confess.

(gunshot)

Suicide is a sin!

Wow, I can't believe he was so religious.

What happened? All I know is,

one day he went on a camping trip with Father Casillas,

and the next day he came back and said there is no God.

Oh, my God.

Poor J.C., he-he was...

(door opens)

ERNESTO: ¡Hola, Becky! What's wrong?

Did you just find out J.C. was molested?

BECKY: You knew?

ERNESTO: No, I just guessed by your facial expression.

SANFORD: Hey, Ernesto. ERNESTO: ¡Hola, Sanford!

What's wrong? Did you just eat a bad cheeseburger

out of the garbage?

SANFORD: Yeah, I did!

ERNESTO (chuckles): Man, I'm on fire today.

Mr. Gonzalez, welcome to the Living Bible Megachurch.

Thank you so much for coming.

I got you this gift. It's an antique.

(leaf blower whirring softly)

Thanks. I'll open it every time I want

to see this thing and hear this sound.

And then Judas asked Jesus, "Why so serious?"

And then they fought.

Now check this out.

(rock music playing)

What parable is this supposed to illustrate?

Who cares?

Ernesto is impressed-o.

Ugh, don't you have a gang to join?

God only made you 'cause he fell asleep making a horse.

This'll get rid of you. (farts)

Ugh!

Mr. Buckwald farted!

(echoing): ...farted, farted!

I'm probably alone on this one, but that fart smells beautiful.

Is this why you call me Weird Greg?

And now our offertory hymn will be sung by Scott Stapp of Creed.

♪ Get your wallets out now ♪

♪ Give us your spare change ♪

♪ Come on, don't be cheap ♪

♪ Give us everything... ♪

(applause)

Ernesto, I can't believe you like that megachurch.

The purpose of religion is to transcend

that sort of crass materialism, not celebrate it.

Besides, we're Catholics.

Come on, Maria.

What better way to transcend

than this gold jet pack the reverend gave me?

Hola, cloud.

Hey, I can see Bud at the station.

BUD: Damn it, Ernesto!

This is a private moment between me and my computer!

I know how hurtful it can be to be bullied.

People call us fat, gay, ugly.

So I wrote a three-verse song for us to sing.

Fat kids start.

Kevin, you can sing the fat and gay verses.

You know what? Sing ugly, too.

♪ Jesus loves fat gay losers for some reason ♪

♪ But if you're also crippled, you're out of luck... ♪

So, why'd you want me to come and see your stupid class?

Because it's a safe place

where people can talk about their problems.

Is there anything you want to talk about, J.C.?

M-Maybe a traumatic experience from your past?

Becky, what are you doing?

Are you ministering to me?

Lower your voice.

My next appointment will get scared.

No, I will not lower my voice...

Leave the nice lady alone!

Now that I got Ernesto to join,

I bet Reverend Fantastic makes me head usher.

I'm gonna seat single people next to each other

so they fall in love.

"Bienvenidos"?

This better be a prank by the sign writer.

The hell are all those Mexicans doing here?

Their church is next door.

SOUTHERN NARRATOR: Well, looks like old Bud doesn't even realize

his beloved church has turned Mexican.

Wait, what did you say?!

SOUTHERN NARRATOR: Oh, boy.

I just violated the first tenet of narrating--

never affect the story.

Luckily though, they'll never find me.

We'll see about that.

Well, looks like old Bud's got himself a lawsuit.

(organ playing "La Cucaracha")

What the hell is happening?

My church has been taken over.

Bienvenidos, everyone.

Let us join in prayerful celebration

in the name of our Lord "Hay-Zeus" Christ.

Our first hymn will be sung by Ernesto Gonzalez.

♪ Ave... ♪

♪ Maria... ♪

Becky, hold up your old man.

He's having a stroke.

Everything's fading to brown.

You're not having a stroke.

Your profit-minded church is trying

to capitalize on the growing Mexican population.

It's called "Hispandering."

You poor thing.

Behind all that hurt is a hurt behind.

I don't even recognize my own church anymore.

(hyperventilates) I think I'm having a panic attack.

Relax, honey.

Just take some of your "anti-Mexiety" medicine.

ERNESTO: ♪ Ave... ♪

♪ Maria... ♪

Listen, Reverend, with all due respect,

what the... what the hell are you doing?

I've been coming to this church for 20 years.

I like the way things were.

But now it's been taken over and made Mexican.

They got their own church, so look--

either they go or I go.

Bud, you leave me no choice.

Besides the two you gave me.

You go.

(gasps) My precious...

(hisses): My precious!

Ernesto, how'd you like to try your hand at ushering next week?

I don't know.

What do you think, hand?

Well, what does he say?

Oh, I've had it with you, buddy.

When I get to heaven, I'm gonna kick your ass!

I'm 0 for 32 fighting guys with long hair,

but that's about to change!

Oh, Bud, come to church with us.

Daddy don't need no church.

My friend Gwendolyn's dad don't go to church,

and he's always giving her fist-kisses on her cheekbones.

Thanks, my little angel.

You are by far the best thing my semen has turned into.

Good morning, Buckwalds!

Where's Bud?

He doesn't want to come to church anymore.

Bud's skipping church?

Now I've seen everything. (chuckles)

Except a dog driving a car.

There it is!

(barks)

Darn it!

I missed it again.

Ah, well, next time for sure.

Bud's not the only one who's abandoned his church.

Hey, those are my nuns!

Your nuns, your nuns.

What are you doing? You were supposed to meet me for lunch.

Look, I know you weren't always this intolerant of all religion.

What happened to you on that church camping trip

that made you lose your faith?

What are you talking about?

Why do you have that guitar?

♪ If you were molested, and you know it ♪

♪ Trust a friend. ♪

What?! No! I found a dinosaur bone.

It showed me that everything the church had taught me was a lie.

That's it? I thought you were molested.

Oh, thank God.

So what did you do with the dinosaur bone?

I brought it to a scientist.

Excuse me, Professor?

I wanted to bring you this old bone I found.

Interesting.

So you like old bones, huh?

Well, if it isn't the jacket thief.

You might as well take my cape, too,

and be the earl of Bostwick.

Milord, all the cabbage has come in black.

Take it up with the new earl.

Bud, I came to apologize.

I would never have accepted the jacket if I knew it was yours.

Here.

My jacket!

Come here, boy! Come here!

(laughing): Yeah, oh, yeah. Thanks.

Now I just wish everything else could go back to the way it was.

You in your church, and me 21, single and under 200 pounds.

You're imagining this picture, Bud.

My congregation and I have gone astray,

seduced by your church's glitz and glamour.

I wish I could convince everyone to go back

to my old Catholic church.

Well, there's got to be something you can do.

I mean, the Pope's Mexican, right?

You guys all know each other.

Can't you just call him up and tell him to fix this?

Bud, first of all, the Pope isn't Mexican.

He's Argentinian.

But, yes, I do know him.

We play soccer together.

Papa Panchito, it's 'Neto.

You're with a leper?

Cool, text me a pic.

(cell phone chimes)

Ew, no way that's his scrote.

And the Lord said to the Pacific Islanders,

"Thou shalt change my linens and help doctors

but not become doctors."

The Popemobile's coming!

(siren wailing)

Where's my damn hat?

Not that hat, my whup-ass hat.

Fool, am I going to brunch?!

(people gasping)

What the hell's going on here?!

Hola, Pope. ALL: Hola, Pope.

Don't "Hola, Pope" me.

You Latinos get your butts back to the Catholic church!

Vámonos.

Don't make me use the Pope chancla.

Dominus sanctus chanclatus.

(all groaning)

(scoffs) Show-off.

(siren wailing)

(tires screech)

(groans)

Oh, man, this is gonna be a thing.

Hey, Ernesto, thanks for helping me get my church back.

No problem, Bud.

I realize now that there's a reason

my church has stayed humble.

Sometimes all the glitz just gets in the way.

Also, I think your reverend is corrupt.

Are you kidding?

Would a corrupt reverend design and build

a glass-bottom girls' school?

See y'all next Sunday!

Oh, dear, I can see up their skirts.

What a terrible design flaw.

(gun fires, siren whoops)

I'm glad you have your usher jacket back, Bud,

but it's not the jacket that makes you important,

it's your devotion to the community and this family.

Thanks, Janice, but it's still nice to know

there's a couple places left in this town I can call my own.

Like right here at Beef Corral.

ERNESTO: Hola, Bud.

(mariachi music playing)

(Curb Your Enthusiasm theme playing)

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH