Original subtitles

Yum! Father is a girl's first love.

Ew.

Boofhead! (LAUGHS) Hey! (LAUGHS)

Oh! Ah!

EDI: Jane's, like, whiter than most white people.

I... I could date an Asian man if I wanted to.

No, you couldn't.

JANE: Quick, run! (DOOR BANGS)

(LAUGHS)

Oh, my God!

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

Take the whole pack! Oh, oh!

That garlic aioli was ridiculously strong.

Oh! My 4.98 Uber rating's gonna take a massive hit 'cause of you.

Ah! (RATTLES PACK) You're gonna be so grateful I got these.

How presumptuous. I've invited you up for a civilised nightcap.

If I'm gonna be your date to this wedding,

I need to make sure you're not some kinda...

..crazy woman.

Oh, no, I'm crazy.

But in all the right ways.

(LAUGHS)

Ooh. (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

Eugh!

Uh, uh... I told you I...

..I like to get crazy.

(LAUGHS) (LAUGHS)

You... you... you want to shove me too?

I'm sorry. (LAUGHS)

I s... I don't...

No, no. It's... No.

No. I was just...

But I need an Asian guy for the wedding!

Oh! (SIGHS)

Oh, no.

(LAUGHS) I can't believe you attacked him.

No, I didn't attack him.

It was just a gentle little...

Body slam. (SIGHS)

Everything was going so great, and he had this awesome goatee,

but then the bits where there was no hair were very...

..smooth.

There is something seriously wrong with you.

That's what I'm saying. (LAUGHS)

Like, this kind of thing has never happened to me before.

Charlie?

Jane. (SIGHS)

You heard of, um...

..white fever?

Go on.

I think I might have it.

(LAUGHS)

I'm serious!

Look.

If you really want to date an Asian guy,

don't let anyone psych you out.

You're better than that.

I AM better than that. You do you, boo.

Boo's gonna get herself an Asian hottie.

Let's go get Janey an Asian guy. (LAUGHS)

Meep, meep! Alright. Let's do it.

Alright. We're off.

CHARLIE: Country awaiting. Here we come!

SONG: ♪ With a hexagon and my sexy thong on... ♪

Whoo!

SONG: ♪ No matter where your head is gone or where you're from

♪ Imma take you on ♪ It's not about you

♪ Imma shake it like I'm Esteban

♪ On an autobahn with a cordless arm... ♪

CHARLIE: There's a classic -

your singular country town Chinese restaurant.

Oh! Dragon Empress.

I used to hang out there all the time as a kid.

Hey, is Mount Whiteman one of those country towns where the old queens

and the jam-and-pickle lesbians have totally taken over?

Yeah, nah. It's still so straight.

CHARLIE: So straight and white. Boo.

SONG: ♪ One glance, ignite

♪ I gotta get by your side

♪ One glance, ignite

(SONG SLOWS DOWN) ♪ I gotta get by your side... ♪

Jane! (TYRES SCREECH)

Whoa! Watch it!

You're the one who walked into traffic!

It's a pedestrian crossing!

What a dick. Oh, yeah.

He totally should have been more chill about being mowed down.

Oh! Sidenote.

Stunning. Was he?

(LAUGHS)

What the hell? Hey!

(CLICKING) Oh!

(LAUGHS) DOLL: You're my best friend.

Oh!

She is so creepy. I'm obsessed. (LAUGHS)

What other haunted childhood treasures you got hiding in there?

Oh. Oh, no, no, nothing.

Just random stuff. There's more space at Mum's.

Mm-hm.

(IMITATES DOLL) You're my best friend.

I mean it. (JANE LAUGHS)

Get away! CHARLIE: Give me kisses!

(CORK POPS) Whoo! (LAUGHS)

Top-up, ladies?

Janey!

Beef jerky, anyone? (LAUGHTER)

Does your body crave meat, Jane?

You know, anaemia often means

your warrior needs awakening.

Jane eats jerky 'cause she thinks it helps her pick up.

Yeah. It makes my pheromones more potent.

Alright. Hey.

Please tell me you're not planning on hooking up with Stu today.

No, me and Stu are totally over.

I've moved on. I've evolved.

Who's Stu? Jane's ex. Edi's cousin.

This is your big day. I am completely yours.

Good, 'cause as the nominated pouch carrier,

I can't have you running off into the bushes with Stu.

Oh, cross my heart. Whatever you need. I got your back, babe.

I think it's the perfect time to give you...

(EDI GASPS)

Oh, Ka!

Is this a traditional Hmong bracelet?

Oh, shit. That is fuckin' nice.

Welcome to our family.

It's something old AND new at the same time.

(SOBS)

Oh, I think Jane has something for you too.

Um...

..yes.

Um...

..it's just something old.

EDI: Oh, Big Day Out 2004!

(BOTH LAUGH)

This is the first gig that Jane and I went to together in Melbourne.

Oh, Jane!

Where should I put it?

(GASPS) Oh! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Like we used to.

(BOTH LAUGH) Yes.

(BOTH LAUGH)

But not today. (LAUGHS)

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's... yeah.

That's cool.

I knew from the moment I saw you that I had found the one.

The dictionary defines 'soulmate' as "the one who understands you".

And, Kong, not only do you understand me...

(METALLIC CHIMING)

..you've helped me understand myself.

I am honoured to be joining your beautiful family.

(APPLAUSE)

Your turn. (SNIFFS)

Edi. (SIGHS)

(LAUGHS) (LAUGHS)

I promise to love you,

to support you and to uplift you.

Through good and bad,

ups and downs,

I will forever be by your side.

I will move mountains... JANE: Fuck a duck. Stu.

..and clear oceans...

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

MAN: Here we go, sir.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

It's hit-and-run guy.

She makes it all the time, and see these little...

Crap! MAN: They're from the backyard.

He looks kind of familiar. You go.

Oh, no, no. Talk to him.

Please. Don't want to talk to...

Oh!

Hi. Hi.

Hey, I'm... I am sorry about the whole, uh,

nearly-running-you-over thing.

Oh, an apology.

I'm honoured.

Well... um...

..well, I'm... I'm Jane.

And you are?

I'm Yu Chang.

Janey. I've been trying to get your attention.

I need a lippy touch-up. Oh. Pouch lady at your service.

Here we go.

Mmm. Ah. (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Yu Chang, have you and Jane been... YU CHANG: You tried some of this?

This is Aunty Der's famous chilli.

No, thank you.

This white boy knows his limits. (LAUGHS)

I love a bit of spice, so...

Yeah, me too. (LAUGHS)

Really?

Oh, yeah. The hotter, the better.

OK.

More?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.

OK. Keep those away from her! (PANTS)

Chillies go through Jane like a freight train.

Stu. I don't need...

Don't do it.

You'll be on the toilet all night.

No! Stu. Stu. Stu.

I can handle this. Jane. You don't want this.

Yes. I do.

Mmm... I don't think you do.

Edi, just give me the bowl. You really don't want to eat it.

I DO want to eat it. No, you don't, Jane.

Edi, give it to me. Jane.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(GASPS) (GASPING)

Oh, bummer. Ah, ah, ah! It's hot!

Oh! Oh, my gosh! Ah!

Ah, ah, ah!

KA: Are you OK? Yu Chang, I'm so sorry.

He's so hot.

(LAUGHTER)

♪ Twin flame burning so bright ♪ So bright

♪ Our love takes flight like a kite in the night

♪ In the night

KA: ♪ Twin flame burning so bright... ♪

Did you see the dirty that Yu Chang guy gave me?

It was an accident. Like, get over it already.

Totally - I mean, all you did was douse him in boiling-hot curry

and nearly turn him into roadkill.

And Edi - she seemed shitty at me.

Do you think she was shitty at me? Jane, please!

You're killing my cishet wedding fantasy.

Just...

..enjoy the music.

Ka's actually not shit.

♪ And from this fruit

♪ I made a salad ♪ What salad?

♪ This song is for you and you

♪ My heartfelt ballad. ♪

OK. Point taken. (BOTH LAUGH)

But on the plus side,

conga guy's pretty cute.

And keyboard guy really knows how to move his hips.

CHARLIE: Yeah. Shame he's Ka's husband.

♪ And I'm Aphrodite

♪ Aphrodite... ♪

JANE: OK. Conga guy it is.

Mmm.

In 'Pari', my studio is in the 5th arrondissement

and has these magnificent windows,

perfect natural light for creations.

I'm a sculptor.

A sculptor?

Wow. (LAUGHS)

I like your... your hands.

They're... ooh, they're so rough and manly.

My hands are my, uh, sculpting tools.

I'd love for you to...

..sculpt me sometime.

(LAUGHS)

Let me see your face.

Oh. OK. Mm-hm.

Mmm.

You have...

..good face.

Um... merci beaucoup.

(LAUGHS) (LAUGHS)

Mmm. Mmm.

You and I have the same nose.

(SCREAMS)

Oh!

I'm... I'm sorry.

Oh, I think... I think Edi...

..Edi needs...

..me.

(INAUDIBLE)

Oh, Charlie.

MAN: You and I have the same nose...

..nose, nose.

(PHONE BUZZES)

(SIGHS) Mum.

(SIGHS)

(PHONE BEEPS) Mum, I'm at the wedding.

What do you think?

Pretty snazzy, huh?

I got them made by a local woman from Korea.

Course you did.

I can't believe you're gonna be 35 so soon.

Feels like just yesterday we went to get you from Korea.

Darling? Where are you?

Huh? Are you in a toilet?

Janey, that's very unhygienic. OK, Mum, look.

I've... I'll... I'll see you at home. I've gotta go.

Yep. Have a good time. Send my love to the newlyweds.

OK, bye. Maybe you'll be next!

(SIGHS)

Seems rather heavy, huh? What'd you put in this magnificent creation?

KONG: A lot of sugar.

And... a lot of...

Oof! (LAUGHS)

A lot of love.

Yeah, nice.

I think it's time to rally the troops.

Yep.

Oh, bloody Nora!

Oh!

YU CHANG: You haven't changed a bit, huh?

Sorry?

Who the fuck ARE you?

George?

(LAUGHS) Yes.

Oh, my God!

Whoa! What the...?

I haven't seen you since, what, like, Year 9,

when you went away to boarding school?

Year 8.

Why didn't you say who you were before?

I mean, to be honest, I was kind of enjoying watching you squirm.

Oh! Are you still sore about me kicking your arse at Fighter Frenzy?

You know, for a nerd,

you were surprisingly shit at computer games.

No, no, no. That's... that... that is not how I remember it.

Sounds like a rematch is in order.

Sure. You name the time and place and I'm there.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) Stay still. I'm trying to kiss you.

What? No!

Oh. Am I not your type?

No, it's just not quite... Oh, it's OK.

'Cause you're not really mine either.

Then why are you trying to kiss me?

Well...'cause I...

'Cause you couldn't find anyone else to kiss?

Whoa.

Just 'cause you're all buff now doesn't mean you can be a dick.

You're right. I should have left that to you.

You're way better at it.

Whoa, whoa. What the hell is that supposed to mean?

You know what it means.

No, I don't.

What, you're just gonna pretend like nothing happened?

George, I... It's Yu Chang.

OK, sorry, Yu Chang... (LAUGHS)

..but I have no idea what you're talking about.

Bye, Jane.

What?

Seriously?

OK, sure. Fine. Bye. Whatevs.

Oh! (GASPING)

EDI: The cake!

Jane!

What have you done?

I... I didn't... George, he...

Did you know that's George?

Course I did, and he goes by Yu Chang now, Jane.

Why are you acting like such a psycho?

I'm not. I... I... I'm... I'm just... I'm just trying... I'm trying to...

What? You're just trying to what?

I'm just trying to hook up with an Asian guy. (LAUGHS)

EDI: Jane.

At my wedding,

you decide to try and hook up with an Asian guy?

Don't make out like I'm doing something terrible!

Edi, I haven't done anything wrong!

Well, um...

..um, as... aside from...

I'm... I'm... I'm just trying to

broaden my horizons like you told me to.

What the fuck, Jane?

At my wedding!

(GASPS)

Edi? Oh, Edi. JANE: Oh!

Um, your... your... your inhaler. I've got it.

I've got it. I've got it. (GASPS)

Edi? Are you OK?

Get off my dress, Mum!

(MOANS)

(STOMACH GURGLES)

Ooh! Ooh!

Are you OK? I told you not to eat that chilli.

I'm OK. OK.

(MOANS)

Ah! Mmm.

Yeah. (PANTS)

(PANTS)

Mmm.

Mmm. (PANTS)

Jane.

J... Jane, Jane, Jane.

JANE: Edi! Wait!

This is not what it... what it looks like. It's nothing.

Nothing?

Oh, Stu. No, no, Stu. I need my phone.

Oh! Y... yep.

Here. Just...

EDI: I don't know what's going on with you,

but, to be honest, I don't really care.

Go home.

Oh, come... Edi, come on.

And maybe don't call me for a while, OK?

Don't... E...

(STOMACH GURGLES)

E... Ooh!

(STOMACH GURGLES) Oh.

Oh. Ooh.

Oh! Oh! No!

(STOMACH GURGLES) Oh, no!

Oh, no! Oh!

(PANTS) Oh, no!

Oh, oh, oh!

(DEFECATES)

(ORGAN PLAYS IN DISTANCE)

(GROANS)

Ow!

(SIGHS)

Oh, Jesus.

(SIGHS)

Oh.

(SIGHS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) (ORGAN MUSIC CONTINUES)

WOMAN: Yes! Nearly there! Nearly there!

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SIGHS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(RANDOM NOTES PLAY)

(MOANING)

JANE: Mum?!

Mum?

Oh! Jane!

Good morning. G'day, Jane.

I've heard a lot about you.

Uh... (LAUGHS)

Uh, I'm... I'm sorry. Who... who are you?

This is Llewellyn, my organ teacher, and...

..my friend.

I prefer not to think of myself as a teacher.

I'd rather think of myself as an encourager of organ exploration.

Um...

..sure.

Deidre might be new to the organ, but she is learning fast.

(BOTH LAUGH) LLEWELLYN: I'll see you tomorrow.

Oh! Lovely to meet you, Jane.

Uh-huh.

Ask me anything.

I'm an open book.

Does anyone in town know?

That my sexuality's fluid?

Oh, my God. Please don't say that.

That... that you're seeing someone. 'Cause it's gonna get back to Dad.

(WATER BUBBLES) Oh. Frankly, Jack needs to move on.

But...

..but you're just having a break.

I'm not the woman he thinks I am, Jane.

Oh, my God.

Hey. You remember George?

He was at the wedding.

DEIDRE: Oh. Yes. I know.

(POURS WATER) He is quite the dish now.

Please don't.

Oh, and he's such a good boy too.

He's always down helping his mum at Dragon Empress.

You know he's got his own cafe now too? He's very successful.

Yay. Good for him. You two were inseparable.

You'd always beg me for play dates.

Your two little black heads running around the backyard.

People thought you were twins.

(BOTH LAUGH)

He goes by Yu Chang now.

Reclaiming his birthname? That's very authentic.

Yeah, it's very try-hard. Huh.

Actually, just...

..where's that box you brought back?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

CHARLIE: Hello!

Come in.

Morning.

Oh, now you decide to turn up. Mmm.

(SIGHS)

How was YOUR night?

What?

Mmm.

(LAUGHS) Seriously?

Oh, jealousy doesn't become you.

I'm so not jealous.

You must be Charlie. I'm Deidre.

Goddess.

Don't be disgusting.

Help yourself to coffee.

CHARLIE: Oh. Thank you. DEIDRE: Oh.

'Syoon'. 'Shoon'?

'Shyun'? Mum.

Mum. What... what are you doing?

I would have loved to have kept your Korean name,

but the social worker advised against it.

I know the letter is in here somewhere. I'm sure of it.

Ta-da! Don't touch it!

(CHAIR SCRAPES)

(MUTTERS)

Thank you. Yes.

(INAUDIBLE)

(PHONE BUZZES)

(SIGHS) All good?

Yeah, it's just Dad.

Don't know what to do with him.

Get him to come and...

..fix stuff at the youth centre.

Leave him with me.

Old straight dudes can't get enough of me.

Shit!

Shit! Shit! Shit! What's happening?

Shh!

(BOTH SPEAK KOREAN)

What's going on with you and sexy roadkill guy?

Nothing.

Fucking... (GROANS)

Just gently. Just... OK!

OK. Slowly.

JANE: Alright. Let's go. CHARLIE: So aggressive.

(SPEAKS KOREAN)

SONG: ♪ One glance, ignite

♪ I gotta get by your side

♪ One glance, ignite

♪ I gotta get by your side

♪ I'm all done with hello, goodbye

♪ I guess my heart is primed

♪ To fall... ♪

Everyone. This is Jane.

So I'm guessing you haven't started a birth family search or anything?

(SOBS) What... what's wrong?

The fish, and you.

No Korea.

No love.

Love? Oh, no, I get love.

Don't worry, I get a lot of love. (BOTH LAUGH)

I'm not gonna lie.

Decolonising your libido is hard work.

But don't be a basic whitewash bitch.

It's time to take control.

SONG: ♪ I gotta get by your side

♪ One glance, ignite

♪ I gotta get by your side

♪ I spy ♪ Read my eyes from afar

♪ Stay close ♪ Meet me at the bar

♪ Closer ♪ You got me seeing stars

♪ Can't touch ♪ Skin on skin's a spark... ♪