Original subtitles

(HIGH ENERGY DANCE MUSIC PLAYS) (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

? Every day, every day I work it

? I don't want to be pretty or perfect

? Every day, I'ma burn I'ma burn it

? I'm a mother, I'm a boss, I'm a pervert

? Every day, every day I work it

? I don't want to be pretty or perfect

? Every day, I'ma burn I'ma burn it... ?

Mate, what the f...

Sorry.

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

? Suck my cherry, hey!

? Hey, suck my cherry... ?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Oh, Janey!

(SQUEALING)

Wait. Why are you sticky? What is that?

Pie.

What? Now you've gone all vegan,

I've got to meat-load before I come to these things.

No. Gross.

Num, num, num.

Ooh!

Here is something that I made for you.

(GASPS) Oh, my God. My 21st!

(LAUGHS) Oh, my God.

You can take the girl out of Mount Whiteman...

But you can't take Mount Whiteman out of the girl.

Mount Whiteman for life!

Yeah!

(LAUGHTER)

(INDISTINCT, EXUBERANT CHATTER)

Shut your cake holes.

Who was Edi's first kiss?

Sam Davies.

Alright, next one.

Who did Edi lose her virginity to?

'Big Willy' Billy Braithwaite.

What are Edi and Kong's pet names for each other?

Tus Hlub.

It means 'my baby, my love' in Hmong.

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

Tus muam.

Tus muam. Oh, my gosh.

Who's Miss Teenage Pregnancy?

Oh, that's Ka, Edi's future sister-in-law.

She's a crystal healer.

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

Alright, skanks, last one.

What did Edi dress up as for schoolies?

(LAUGHTER)

Jane, oh, my God, your first boyfriend is so cute.

(LAUGHTER)

Why is that funny?

Sorry. Sorry.

Because Jane likes her men a bit more...

Um, how do I put this? Average Joe.

'Average'? Rude.

No. No. I like... I like manly men.

Do you mean like that guy?

Jesus. Carve me up some of that.

(SNIGGERING)

More like him.

(HEAVY BREATHING)

Alright, keep it in your pants.

I can't help it. Look at him.

I just want to squish his furry little face.

Jane's taste is very meat and three veg.

Yum!

Well, I think this goes there.

Jezza!

And it wasn't that long ago, you were into meat and three veg too.

Unlike some, I've matured and my tastes have evolved.

Your mid-30s is when Pluto transits into your natal moon.

I cannot wait for my 30s.

It's an incredibly transformative phase of life

and I have no doubt it helped you find Kong.

Your twin flame.

Yeah, well, you won't find me waiting

for some shooting star to tell me who I'm meant to be with.

I am perfectly capable of finding my twin flame...

Top up, ladies?

..all by myself.

I think this...

..belongs here.

Mm-hm. Yeah.

(GROWLS AGGRESSIVELY)

(GRUNTS)

Hang on a sec.

Oh. Oh.

(GASPS)

I'm sorry if I'm a bit stinky.

You're perfect!

Nice.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(GROWLS PLAYFULLY)

You smell so... meaty.

Shh.

Are you OK?

Why are you stopping?

Are you all good?

Let's do it from behind. Yeah. OK.

You're really into martial arts.

Yeah.

I know it might be hard to believe,

but I used to suffer from these uncontrollable outbursts, you know.

Like... (GRUNTS)

Dojo pretty much saved me.

Fists under control.

Chah-ryeot! Kyeong-rye!

Uh... Cool.

What are those?

Algae pellets. From Japan.

Kintaro, she won't eat anything else.

She's so fussy.

Hey, I have an idea.

Hey, hey, try this. Try this. Try my kimono.

No... Oh, no, yeah, no. I'm fine. It's a great idea.

I'm fine. Yeah, yeah, right arm.

Yeah, OK. Left arm.

Oh!

It's...

Boop.

(MAKES COMBAT SOUNDS)

(SQUEALS)

So, what's your background?

Uh, Korean.

You're really, like, solid for a Korean girl, hey?

Fuck off! No, no, I love it.

I just usually go for girls that are a bit more, like, petite and gentle.

Oh, no, that's cool,

because I usually go for guys who are, like, bigger and tougher.

You know, a man who can handle a real woman.

I'm pretty sure I could handle you.

Really? Really.

(GRUNTS) Oh, my...

The dojo can't save you now, bitch.

Do you want to be my little mandoo?

Maybe. What's a mandoo?

It's a Korean dumpling.

Oh.

(LAUGHS) What kind of Korean are you?

(SCOFFS) Whatevs.

Oh, no, no, I was only joking. Don't go.

(MUNCHES) Oi! You're a dickhead.

And you're delicious.

(LAUGHS)

I don't look like that.

Do I?

(READS)

(SCOFFS)

Eugh!

Did you do this?

It looks like a science experiment in here.

Whatevs. It's good bacteria.

Like, helps the kids' immunity and stuff.

Don't say 'whatevs'.

You're not the mean girl in a teen drama.

Though you do possess many similarly insufferable characteristics.

(VALLEY GIRL ACCENT) Oh, my God, why, thank you.

Oh, yucky.

Charlie? Mm?

You've got a type, haven't you?

Like, don't you have the horn for grannies?

(LAUGHS) If you're referring to my appreciation

for women of a certain vintage, then, yes.

But aside from that, no.

I am open to everyone and everything.

Well, except for knee-length shorts, obviously.

And back hair.

Hey, what's wrong with back hair?

You're actually into back hair?

Yeah, back hair, shoulder hair, neck hair, bum hair,

yeah, bring it on.

So, what, you're into like full bears?

I guess.

Do you consider him a full bear?

Oof, Daddy, hibernation is over.

Oh, yeah, I mean, you clearly have a hair fetish.

Yeah. But they're also all...

All...?

You know...

Charlie, are...

No, are you fat shaming my gentlemen suitors?

What? No. They're all white.

What?

That is a lot of white meat.

See?

That...

No, no, no. That is not a lot of white meat.

It's a lot of hairy meat, and they all just happen to be...

Of the Caucasian persuasion.

(GRUNTING, PUNCHES LANDING ON BAGS)

Dad!

Boofhead! Hey. (LAUGHS)

Argh!

(GRUNTING)

Stop cheating!

Suck it up, Buttercup.

Oh, you. I'm going to destroy you.

(GRUNTING)

Good luck with those little T-Rex arms.

(GRUNTS)

(BOTH LAUGH)

What's so funny, huh? (LAUGHS)

(SOBS)

Dad?

(SOBBING)

Look, your mum's been posting all these pics of her out and about,

volunteering and planting trees.

She's seeing someone, I know it.

That's just Mum. You know she can't resist a bake sale or charity event.

She's a doer. She does things.

Yeah, but she never used to post this much.

And you don't have to put your bloody lippy on

to plant a few trees.

Dad, Dad, Mum is not seeing anyone, alright?

I think I'm going to have to give Edi's wedding a miss, love.

I'm so sorry. You'll have to find yourself another date, I think.

Is that OK?

Yeah, yeah, of course, Dad.

I just need to take a minute to get my head right again.

Mm. OK. Um...

You want to go another round? See if I can...

Ow! ..knock some sense back into you.

It's quite a hook you've got on you, mate. (LAUGHS)

Fast as a ninja. Hey-ya!

(BOTH LAUGH)

If your mum wants to date other people, that's fine by me.

Ha.

In Mount Whiteman... (VOICE GROWS DISTANT AND INDISTINCT)

(SQUEALS INTERNALLY)

She says that I'm closed off.

What does that even mean?

That she's just going through a thing.

This separation situation is temporary.

She's going to be begging you to come back home in no time.

Yeah, I mean, how can she resist this?

Wait. Oh, nose hair could do with a bit of a pull, though.

Oh, you watch it, short stuff.

Oh, you watch it. (LAUGHS)

I think I'm gonna have my hair down.

Definitely down.

Otherwise I'll look like a potato.

You have a very Hmong head.

Um, thanks.

Um, same to you, I guess.

You might have Hmong blood.

What's your heritage?

Um... (PHONE VIBRATES)

Oh, yeah, sorry, sorry. Gotta take this.

That's more like what I had on my Pinterest board.

Yeah, it's classy.

Hey, Dad. G'day, boofhead.

I have greased the cupboard hinges

and I have patched up the plaster in the hallway.

And I'm just about to do the shelves.

Do you want them next to the TV?

Wow. You're... You're on a mission.

You should have moved in with me ages ago.

Your mum's not the only one who can be a doer.

What the bloody hell have you got on your noggin?

It's a turban.

EDI: Hiya, Jack. Oh.

Hi, Edi.

I fixed up the wonky leg on your arm chair.

That's my wedding pressie to ya.

Thank you. Now I just need Jane to give it back to me.

Oh, but it's all I have left of you.

Alright, you girls have fun doing

whatever the bloody hell it is you're doing.

Bye. Bye, Dad.

A father is a girl's first love.

Ew. Gross.

It's natural to look for lovers

who emulate our earliest masculine role models.

Yeah, Ka, Ka, please, don't.

Now that I've met your dad, I think I know you a lot better.

Are we done?

Yeah, let's see the whole thing together.

(GASPS) I have a moonstone in my bag. I think it's perfect for you.

I'll be right back. Oh, yeah, no, no.

Yes. No, Ka, really, I don't think...

Janey, what do you think?

Oh, wow. OK.

What?

Oh, no, no. I just didn't realise you were planning, like,

going full Hmong up top and the rest of you normal.

Jane! What?

Don't say 'normal'. It's not normal, it's Western.

Yeah, OK. Come on, Edi, you know what I meant.

Aunty.

I'm trying to learn about the Hmong traditions and the culture,

and I'm trying to...

Yeah, never mind. You wouldn't get it.

Jane is Asian too. She might get it.

(CACKLES) Well, yeah, OK, so...

Jane's, like, whiter than most white people.

(LAUGHS) Excuse me?

What? You say that all the time.

Yeah, but not in the way that you just said it.

No, I just meant that, like, you're...

..not interested in broadening your horizons.

Which is totally fine. But I am.

And it would be great if you could be a bit more supportive.

What? I am supportive.

I just think that you might be taking this all a little bit seriously.

Seriously?

Yeah, I am taking this seriously, Jane,

because this is important to me.

I wasn't... Kong is important to me.

You know, you've never dated a person of colour before,

so you just wouldn't get it.

Hang on, isn't Jane a person of colour?

I have so dated a person of colour.

It's, you know... What about...

What about Debbie Doukas's brother, Steve...?

You mean Stavros? He was Greek.

Oh, come on. He was extremely tanned.

See, everything is a joke to you, Jane.

Being with an Asian man is really different to being with a white man.

But that's just something you'll never really understand.

Edi, you're not the only one who can date an Asian man.

I could date an Asian man if I wanted to.

No, you couldn't. Yes, I could.

No, you couldn't.

Look, I don't know what's happening here,

but it's making me feel really yucky.

So I'm just, yeah, I'm just gonna...

I'm just gonna go.

Yep, OK.

(GRUNTING AND MOANING)

(FUNKY ASIAN MUSIC PLAYING)

(WINCES) (GRUNTS)

You good?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm good. Keep going. Keep going.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Down, down. Good. Yeah? Yeah.

Oh, no, no, no!

No. I can't.

What's wrong?

Where the hell's my shoe?

Little mandoo?

Can you not call me that?

I'm not your little Korean dim sim.

OK, sorry. I just don't know what's happening right now.

Ow!

Soz.

Ohh. You broke Buddha.

What have you done? Me?

Why are you so obsessed with Asian stuff?

This. And this, and this.

And this Asian music!

Can you please turn it off?

Sorry.

This situation you got going on here, all this Asian-ness,

yeah, it's fucked up.

I think you should leave. Oh, don't worry, I am out of here.

You've obviously got a lot of unresolved major issues, OK?

But it's not fair that you come round

and you drop all them on innocent people.

I've got major issues? Yeah.

Collecting a lot of exotic shit

does not make you more interesting, Ross.

It just makes you kind of pathetic.

It's not my fault you're not in touch with your inner Asian.

What the fuck?!

At least... At least I'm not a sad wannabe Asian.

You do know you're not a real Asian, don't you, Ross?

Yeah, well, you're not even a real Aussie!

You're not even a real Asian. You're like a fake Asian.

Oh, fu... Oh.

(GRUNTS)

Fuck! Can you just leave, please?!

Oh, far out!

(GRUNTING)

Oh, my God.

(CRIES AGGRESSIVELY)

(CONTINUES GROANING)

What the...

Good one. Good one, Ross.

(GROANS MANIACALLY)

"Inner Asian"? What a douchebag!

GABBY: Jane's Asian too. She might get it.

(EDI LAUGHS)

Yeah. Jane's, like, whiter than most white people.

ROSS: Do you want to be my little mandoo?

JACK: What the bloody hell have you got on your noggin?

CHARLIE: They're all white.

ROSS: It's not my fault you're not in touch with your inner Asian.

(LAUGHS) What kind of Korean are you?

(CACKLING)

Yeah. Yeah.

(MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY)

You're not even a real Asian. You're like a fake Asian.

(ECHOES) Asian. Asian. Asian. Asian. Asian...

(EXPLOSION, SUPERNATURAL WHOOSHING)

? I'm on the next level, yeah...

(SONG CONTINUES IN KOREAN)

? Check it out, check it out, check it out...

(SONG CONTINUES IN KOREAN)

? I'm on the next level, yeah

? The next level

? Next level

? Next level

? Check it out, check it out, check it out

? La, la, la, la, la... ?

(SONG SLOWS DOWN AND ENDS)

Dad?

(PHONE BUZZES)

G'day, boofhead.

Cindy.

Yeah, I found that today.

Your mum must have put that with my stuff when I moved out.

Jane, where's your paprika?

Papa-papa-prika!

(BOWL CLATTERS) Fuck a duck!

It's OK, Kintaro.

I've got you, mate.

(BUBBLES BURBLE)

OK.

(MESSAGE BUZZES)

(LAUGHS)

Um...

Mm.

When you look back at your dating history, is it full of whiteys?

Is your catalogue of exes

a long list of Jacks, Jills, Rachels and Rosses?

I bet you have a million excuses.

"I didn't know any Asians growing up."

"It's like kissing your sibling."

"Their skin is too soft. I like body hair."

The truth is you have white fever.

White fever?

What the fu...

Boo's gonna get herself an Asian hottie.

Let's go get Janey an Asian guy.

The dictionary defines 'soul mate' as the one who understands you.

Jane!

(TYRES SQUEAL) Whoa! Watch it!

What a dick.

He looks kind of familiar.

Talk to him.

Who the fuck are you?

George?

Why didn't you say who you were before?

To be honest, I was kind of enjoying watching you squirm.

Good news, boofhead.

Your mum's not seeing anyone after all.

She's too busy making new friends.

Mum? Oh.

You ready?

Jane, meet the Korean adoptees.

Are you serious about decolonising this? And this?

Ah!

(POP!) (SQUEALING)

(SCREAMS)

How cute am I?

Ready! (LAUGHS)

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