All language subtitles for Lopez vs Lopez s02e06 Raider Nation.eng

[upbeat saxophone music]

- Hey, you excited to set up

your very first
savings account, Gordo?

- Doing chores ain't easy
but I do it for the bread.

I'm a hustler, Daddy.

- George, are you also excited

to set up your very first
savings account?

- I'm a hustler, Daddy!

Turns out if you don't spend
your beer money on beer,

it's just money.

- I'm proud of you, Dad.
- Thank you.

I got margarine moolah.
I got Bustelo bucks.

[vocalizes]

Gordo, help me fine
my chanclachange.

- I'm here.

But if anyone asks,
I was never here.

[clattering]

- Care to let us in on
what kind of crime

we're helping you cover up?

- The house I live behind of
has been vacant for years.

Now the landlords want
to rent it out.

I can't have strangers around
while I sunbathe.

This body wasn't built
for tan lines.

- I found my Powerade pesos.
[coins clinking]

I can't open it.

- Hey, hey, hey, it's OK.
I'ma open it for you, big guy.

- [laughs]

- What's so funny?

- This is like
when the nerd saves you

before he turns into Superman.
[laughs]

- All week Dad's been
an emotional wreck.

- He's newly sober and
he is feeling his feelings.

'Cause when he was drinking, he
only had one emotion, thirst.

This is normal.

- You're not the one with him
all day at work.

Yesterday he had road rage.

Literally,
he got out of the truck

and yelled at the asphalt.

I'm gonna force him
to see a therapist.

- That's not gonna work.

It has to be George's choice
to get help.

You two shouldn't get involved.

- OK, I'm...

I'm sorry I got
a little bit weird,

but I'm sure I'll feel better
once I pet

my emotional support cat,
Mr. Ping-Ping.

- You don't own
an emotional support cat.

- [shouts]
Why don't I?

Mr. Ping-Ping!

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪

- Thank you for redecorating
my home

with all your disgusting junk.

- You are not the first person
to ask me

to scare off tenants.

In high school, I was voted

most likely to
lower property values.

- Good.

'Cause there is a couple
looking at the house now.

And they're coming over,

so just make sure you give them
the full Oscar.

[knock at door]

- Hi, Rosie.
I'm Kylie and this is Jack.

- Please come in.

- Wow, this is...a vibe.

- What did you think
of the house?

- We love it.

- I'm so excited to live
next to a Cuban woman,

I have a great recipe
for "cro-ket-as."

- That pool, perfect for
blasting John Mayer

and racing my RC boats.

- My roommate uses the pool
all the time.

Oh, he loves floating on
his inflatable girlfriend.

- Actually, she left me.

One day she just up and--
[imitates balloon deflating]

How do you guys feel
about throuples?

- That's not really our thing.

- Good,
'cause there's four of us.

Five if I get my girlfriend
out of that tree.

- We've got a lot of
other places to see.

- I'm sorry they left before
I could do anything weird.

[upbeat saxophone music]

- I'm really worried about Dad.

Thanks for helping me find
someone for him to talk to

and not telling Quinten.

- I knew he wouldn't talk
to a real therapist.

He'd be all like,
"I'm not talking to some

"fancy high school graduate
with a degree in feelings.

What? She thinks
she's better than me?"

- This doesn't look like
a Krispy Kreme.

Why'd you bring me here?

- We think you should see
someone about

all the new emotions
you're having.

- So you lured me here with
the promise of some treats

like some kind of perv
in a van.

- We thought you'd feel
comfortable talking to

a man with
a similar background.

You remember my curandero
Carlos?

- Oh, man, not that charlatan.

- You're gonna cry?
I'm your guy.

Full of rage?
We'll burn some sage.

- Kiss my butt,
I'm getting a donut.

- Ah, no, no, Dad.

It's not healthy for you or us,

so it's either this or my
therapist, Dr. Glenda Brenda.

- I'm not gonna talk to some
fancy high school graduate

with a degree in feelings.

together: What? She thinks
she's better than me?

- You know what?
I'ma give your guy a try.

Come on, Chicano Buddha,
let's do it.

- Not now, Freddie.

Come in, George.

Have a seat.
- All right. [groans]

Ow. Oh!

My back.

Ay, did you hear that?
[groans]

- You look like Bethel Reynolds
on a bearskin rug.

Just relax,
and whatever emotions

you brought in here with you,
let it go.

- [snoring]

[bowl rings]
Hey!

Is it last call already?

Oh, man, you know what, Carlos?

Oh, this isn't for me, bro.
I can't--

there's no pretty way
to do this.

Can you turn around?

- No, wait, wait,
the spirits are telling me

that you're somebody special.

- Well, the spirits think
I'm special?

Are any of 'em hot?

- Well, Irma keeps it
pretty tight.

She used to work in a saloon.

But they're saying
that you have

massive potential for change,

if you follow my teachings

and learn how to control
your emotions.

- Yeah, I don't know, Carlos.

I mean, I'm already doing
the work in AA.

It's a lot, man.

- There's no work
in my teachings.

You just meditate
on what you want

and let the rest go.

- Doing nothing is kind of
my favorite thing in life.

[upbeat saxophone music]

- I almost forgot
the hot fudge!

- And here I was,
just using ketchup,

like a fool.

- Churro, don't eat that.

- Churro, you giant rat!

Oh.

Gotta let it go.

The hot dog that is meant
for me will simply find me.

This Carlos stuff is great.

- Who's Carlos?

- You said I shouldn't force
him to see a therapist.

So I forced him to see
a curanderoinstead.

- Man, if I feel this good
after one session,

I imagine when I start
seeing Carlos every day.

Hey, Mayan, thank you for
setting me up with Carlos.

I love you, Mayan.

- To be clear, you said Mayan,
not mayo, right?

Did you hear that?
My dad said he loved me.

And I didn't have to trick,
guilt, or bribe him to do it.

[upbeat saxophone music]

- Hope you all come back
for Weed Wednesday,

Tokin' Thursday
and Friday High-Day.

- We've scared off
a dozen tenants already.

Oh, no one is going to feel
at home living next to

a beanie-wearing weirdo
that smokes weed all day.

- Hey, man.

Oh, cool beanie, man.

That house is rad, man.

Are you gonna be
my new neighbor?

- I think so.

- Hey, I met that chick
in the tree, man.

Hey, she looked like
she could party, dude.

- Her name's Jasmine, man.

- Yeah, I know, she told me.

Oh, wow.

Hey, I think I'm gonna like
living here, dude.

Wow.

- I don't want to get emotional
but...

I think he might be my father.

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪

- I can't have Oscar's new bud
buddy living next door.

If I don't fix this,
I'm gonna have to move in here

and sleep on your couch.

If you don't want me
to move in, just say so.

You don't have to
get rid of all your furniture.

- We didn't.

- [humming]

Hello, Earth stars.

- Where's our furniture?

- I let it go.

It was all material possessions
that I...do not need.

- Yeah, because they're ours!

- Carlos couldn't pay the rent
at his botanica

so I'm hosting
some of his followers here.

[knock at door]

- Well, Brother George,

are you ready to release
some oms, holmes?

- Just call me Chakra Khan.

- I always expected men
in white to come for George,

but I thought they'd be
from an asylum.

[upbeat saxophone music]

- One, two, tres, four.

[loud dinging]

- Brother George,

I know that you are very eager
to learn the sound bowl,

but you must be patient.
- All right.

- And let it go.
- All right.

- Let it go.
all: Let it go.

- Why are we doing this again?

- I'm doing it because my dad
loves me now.

You're doing it because
I won't love you if you don't.

And Chance and Churro
look so cute.

- School is a waste of time
when you have a face like mine.

I've attained enlightenment.

Bye!

- I know how groups
like this work.

First, they invite you
to a meeting,

then you're all wearing
the same outfit

and they've taken
all your money.

And before it, you've got
250 boxes of Thin Mints

and your home is more cookie
than house.

- You were in the Girl Scouts?

- The amazing part isn't that
I was in the Girl Scouts.

It's that I got out.

- Shut up!

You continue to be disruptive,

we're gonna have to ask you
to leave.

- George is right.
You're killing the vibe, man.

This is helping me forget
about my rental situation.

- There you are, roomie.

We missed you.

Mind if we crash
your meditation sesh?

- So, when do you guys
start levitating?

Whoa! It started.

- Do I know you from somewhere?

- Yeah, here.

- Brother, would you like
to hit a bowl?

- Yes, I would love
to hit a bowl.

[bowl dings]

Not that bowl.

Bye.

[upbeat saxophone music]

- And thanks once again
to our generous host,

but, Brother George,
let me remind you that

meditation is not
an opportunity

to play Duck, Duck, Goose.

- Said the slowest goose
in the room.

Thank you for showing me how
to let go of my worries

and my cares and my chonies.

Since I've been wearing this,
man,

I have freed my mind
and my nalgas.

- Enlightenment comes calling
when you're free-balling.

- I'm so happy you found
a support system, Dad.

Carlos, you're welcome to hold
your sessions here any time.

- You're also welcome to
bring our furniture back.

- Oh, good news,
the botanica is saved.

We just got a gift covering
the next six months of rent

from a generous
anonymous donor.

- That's me! I'm anonymous.

[bowl dings]
♪ Ah

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪

- Empty.

- Oh, there's margarine
in the margarine container.

How could my dad give
all of his money to Carlos?

- OK, the better question is,

"Why don't I listen
to Quinten?"

- For the first time in
his life, my dad had savings,

and now it's gone.

Oh, you were right.
He's in over his giant head.

- I thought I'd found
another hot dog in my pocket,

and then I remembered, nope,
I'm not wearing any underwear.

- Dad, we're concerned with

how involved you're getting
with Carlos.

- OK, you wanted me to find
something to help me

with my feelings
and I did that, OK?

You were happy for me.

- I'd be happier if you hadn't
given away all your savings.

- My money is helping
a whole group of people, OK?

People who accept me
for who I am

and have welcomed me in
with open arms.

- We would too if you paid
our rent for six months.

- You're not getting
to the bottom

of your emotional problems.

You're just being taken
advantage of, Dad.

- No matter what I do,

this family is
always disappointed

in the choices that I make.

So I'm gonna go and be with
my new family.

And to quote one of our great
spiritual gurus of this time,

"I can never do nothing
in this house!"

[upbeat saxophone music]

- I'm sorry I wasn't able
to scare away everybody.

You can take it out on me

by exploiting my body sexually
if you have to.

- Yep, that's why
the balloon left you.

[knock at door]

- Hey, lady.

Hey, man, the landlord said
to email the lease.

But I don't have an email, man,

'cause that's how
they track you.

- The government?

- The aliens.
- Ohh.

- They got me once, man,

but they're never gonna
get me again.

- I'll fax it for you.

[document shredder whirring]

- Hey, I think that
fax machine's broken, man.

That's OK.
I got a lot of copies.

'Cause I couldn't figure out
how to turn the printer off.

- I guess I'll move in
to Mayan's.

I just hope Jesus forgives me
for living

in my unmarried daughter's
house of sin.

- You know, too bad
you don't own this place,

so then you could decide
who lives here.

Ooh, better idea.

What if you moved in with me
in George's truck?

He can't say nothing,
'cause I got squatter's rights.

Come to think of it,
maybe I should just squat here.

- You know,
my shredder crushes bones.

[upbeat saxophone music]

- It's been a week since my dad
has been living here

with Carlos and his followers.

He must be in deep.

It could be hard
to get him out.

- That's why we need to
remind him of all the things

he left behind that he loves.

So I got a picture of Chance,

the TV remote,

pack of hot dogs.

- What about me?

- Yeah, you better hang back.

[bowls clanging, gong crashes]

- Yeah!

What are you doing here?

- We're here to bring you home.

- Think of the boy.

- I'm not leaving.

Do you think
I'm the type of person

that would abandon his family?

- Then think of the hot dogs.

- I can have hot dogs
with my new family.

- We're vegan.

- About that, Carlos.

You know, as the largest donor,

you know, maybe we could
adjust that a little bit.

I mean, I'm already
marinating your chicken.

- Not Freddie!

All right, that's enough!
I've had it!

You've been driving us crazy
all week!

- But I'm special, man.
The spirits said so!

- Well, they were wrong!

- This is gonna be a lot easier
than I thought it was gonna be.

- You're kicking me out?
- No, we're--

we're letting you go.

- But you took
all of his savings.

- Well, we're giving it back.

And take anything you want
from the botanica.

Just--just leave, please.

[upbeat saxophone music]

- I don't think this
looks right.

- Hey, I'm sorry I got
a little out there

with Carlos and the group,
you know.

You guys might find this
a little hard to believe,

but I got kind of
an addictive personality.

- Still, you took steps toward
self-improvement.

That's a big deal.
I love you, Dad.

- I'm here!

And I'm a homeowner.

I just bought my property.

- That's amazing!
How?

- Well, I called my landlords

and threatened to squat
if they didn't sell it to me.

God bless this country
and its bizarre laws.

Is there something
different here?

[upbeat saxophone music]

[guitar strums]

- ♪ Mexican-Americans

♪ Don't like to just
get into gang fights ♪

♪ They like flowers and music

♪ And white girls
named Debbie too ♪

-♪ Mexican-Americans
are named Chata and Chella ♪

♪ And Chemma,
and Little Chemma ♪

♪ And have a son-in-law
named Jeff ♪

- ♪ Mexican-Americans

♪ Don't like to get up early
in the morning ♪

♪ But they have to
so they do it real slow ♪

♪

- ♪ Mexican-Americans
love education ♪

♪ So they go to night school

♪ And they take Spanish
and get a B ♪

♪

- ♪ Mexican-Americans
love their nanas ♪

♪ And their ninos, and their
ninas, and their nonos ♪

♪ Nana, nana, nina, nono

♪

all: ♪ Mexican-Americans
make TV shows ♪

♪ And cast their friends
to sing classics ♪

♪ From back in the day

♪

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