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1
00:00:03,164 --> 00:00:04,296
Happy anniversary, Claire.
2
00:00:04,339 --> 00:00:05,827
Aw. You, too, babe.
3
00:00:05,852 --> 00:00:07,201
I love you. Mwah!
4
00:00:07,226 --> 00:00:08,662
Can I pour you some champagne?
5
00:00:08,687 --> 00:00:11,045
Uh, that depends. Is it
grocery store champagne,
6
00:00:11,070 --> 00:00:12,703
or did you steal it from Cooper?
7
00:00:13,226 --> 00:00:14,950
Stole it from Cooper.
8
00:00:14,975 --> 00:00:15,932
Yeah!
9
00:00:15,957 --> 00:00:17,284
Fancy!
10
00:00:17,309 --> 00:00:19,022
Happy anniversary, guys.
11
00:00:19,047 --> 00:00:20,549
I, um, I got you a little something.
12
00:00:20,574 --> 00:00:22,228
Aw, Cooper.
13
00:00:22,253 --> 00:00:26,231
I'm just gonna quickly peek
out into the driveway...
14
00:00:28,304 --> 00:00:33,064
and be just as excited for
our non-drivable gift.
15
00:00:33,219 --> 00:00:34,738
What is it, buddy?
16
00:00:34,763 --> 00:00:37,250
Well, I was doing my own laundry...
17
00:00:40,634 --> 00:00:43,473
Sorry, people usually applaud
when I say things like that.
18
00:00:43,798 --> 00:00:45,191
Anyway, I found a copy
19
00:00:45,216 --> 00:00:47,487
of your old vows in some
wadded-up tuxedo pants.
20
00:00:47,512 --> 00:00:50,221
Oh. I guess the rental guy was right.
21
00:00:50,246 --> 00:00:51,966
I did notreturn those pants.
22
00:00:51,991 --> 00:00:53,427
And they were
23
00:00:53,452 --> 00:00:54,773
so beautifully written up,
I thought it would be nice
24
00:00:54,798 --> 00:00:57,079
to blow them up and
print them on canvas.
25
00:00:57,104 --> 00:01:01,059
- Oh, my God.
- Aw. That's amazing.
26
00:01:01,084 --> 00:01:03,565
And when I was down there, I
also found a set of bagpipes
27
00:01:03,590 --> 00:01:05,202
stashed in a cupboard
behind the detergent.
28
00:01:05,227 --> 00:01:07,356
Oh, yeah.
29
00:01:07,586 --> 00:01:09,366
Jake got his 23andMe results
30
00:01:09,391 --> 00:01:13,548
and found out he is 0.5% Scottish.
31
00:01:14,617 --> 00:01:17,342
Oh, don't be so jealous, ya wee clipe.
32
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Yeah, that accent was 0.5% Scottish.
33
00:01:21,996 --> 00:01:23,171
Yeah, well,
34
00:01:23,214 --> 00:01:25,894
luckily, at our wedding,
Jake vowed to...
35
00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:27,797
never play them again, and in exchange,
36
00:01:27,822 --> 00:01:30,830
I vowed to never do the Dougie again.
37
00:01:31,221 --> 00:01:33,763
It's a dance I got a
little obsessed with.
38
00:01:33,788 --> 00:01:36,640
A little? You did it at
your uncle's funeral.
39
00:01:37,118 --> 00:01:39,028
His name was Dougie!
40
00:01:39,924 --> 00:01:42,420
- Happy anniversary!
- I didn't see anything
41
00:01:42,445 --> 00:01:44,565
in the driveway, so I'm assuming
42
00:01:44,590 --> 00:01:46,331
Cooper's gift is stuck in customs
43
00:01:46,375 --> 00:01:49,130
because the steering wheel is
on the wrong side of the car?
44
00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:53,026
No. Cooper got us a
very thoughtful gift.
45
00:01:53,051 --> 00:01:57,007
Oh. Did he donate to
whales or something?
46
00:01:58,648 --> 00:02:00,848
Hey, you guys brought champagne for us?
47
00:02:00,891 --> 00:02:02,371
Yes.
48
00:02:02,415 --> 00:02:05,103
That is totally for you guys.
49
00:02:05,864 --> 00:02:09,306
Honey, why don't you pop that
unopened bottle of champagne?
50
00:02:09,331 --> 00:02:10,723
Okay.
51
00:02:11,689 --> 00:02:13,695
Oh-ho!
52
00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:15,223
- Ooh! Whoa.
- Ah!
53
00:02:15,248 --> 00:02:16,914
Get the glasses.
54
00:02:16,939 --> 00:02:18,417
Whoo-hoo!
55
00:02:18,442 --> 00:02:20,077
Yeah.
56
00:02:23,712 --> 00:02:25,607
To Jake and Claire!
57
00:02:40,957 --> 00:02:46,559
- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy -
- www.addic7ed.com -
58
00:02:49,180 --> 00:02:52,384
Wow, man, framing our vows
was a great gift, Cooper.
59
00:02:52,409 --> 00:02:54,411
I mean, a new Lexus wouldn't
have been nearly as homemade.
60
00:02:54,455 --> 00:02:56,239
Yeah.
61
00:02:56,281 --> 00:02:57,805
I just love how, instead of using
62
00:02:57,849 --> 00:02:59,198
the same old boring clichés,
63
00:02:59,242 --> 00:03:00,504
like honoring and
cherishing each other,
64
00:03:00,548 --> 00:03:02,108
you guys personalized your vows.
65
00:03:02,133 --> 00:03:03,874
Oh, yeah, yeah. We got super specific.
66
00:03:03,899 --> 00:03:05,789
'Cause we didn't want to fight all
the time, like my parents did.
67
00:03:05,814 --> 00:03:08,469
Yeah. So we always vowed
to never go to sleep
68
00:03:08,512 --> 00:03:10,122
without resolving our issues,
69
00:03:10,166 --> 00:03:11,695
and always having each other's back.
70
00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:13,333
Yep. And my lady vowed to:
71
00:03:13,358 --> 00:03:15,379
"always celebrate my quirks."
72
00:03:17,334 --> 00:03:19,554
Though sometimes it is hard
to tell the difference
73
00:03:19,598 --> 00:03:22,339
between a quirk and a
major personality flaw.
74
00:03:22,383 --> 00:03:23,849
Mm.
75
00:03:24,559 --> 00:03:26,648
Man, I wish my parents had done this...
it might've stopped them
76
00:03:26,692 --> 00:03:28,171
from getting divorced when I was young.
77
00:03:28,215 --> 00:03:30,141
Aw, sorry to hear that, Coops.
Mine, too.
78
00:03:30,166 --> 00:03:32,357
Play a lot of catch in the
backyard by yourself?
79
00:03:32,382 --> 00:03:34,940
Yeah, but it was with a
boomerang, so it wasn't too bad.
80
00:03:35,633 --> 00:03:37,230
Oh.
81
00:03:37,782 --> 00:03:39,343
It's weird, but I can't help feeling
82
00:03:39,368 --> 00:03:40,761
like I caused my parents' divorce.
83
00:03:40,786 --> 00:03:42,353
Oh, come on. All kids feel that way.
84
00:03:42,378 --> 00:03:44,031
- But you got to know it's not true.
- I know.
85
00:03:44,056 --> 00:03:46,671
It's just, when I was 11, I
pulled this prank on my mom
86
00:03:46,696 --> 00:03:48,949
and told her my dad was
having an affair and...
87
00:03:51,039 --> 00:03:52,378
you know, instead of laughing,
88
00:03:52,403 --> 00:03:54,510
she had revenge sex with his boss.
89
00:03:55,234 --> 00:03:56,714
And then, like,
90
00:03:56,758 --> 00:03:58,952
three weeks later they were divorced.
91
00:04:00,485 --> 00:04:01,965
Uh...
92
00:04:04,132 --> 00:04:05,742
I-I-I mean,
93
00:04:05,767 --> 00:04:07,377
you-you can't...
94
00:04:07,402 --> 00:04:09,845
Are pranks different in Australia?
95
00:04:10,255 --> 00:04:11,778
My point is that you two
96
00:04:11,803 --> 00:04:14,150
are the perfect relationship
role models for me.
97
00:04:14,175 --> 00:04:16,482
But seriously, I'm so
inspired that I think
98
00:04:16,526 --> 00:04:17,780
I'm gonna write my first love ballad.
99
00:04:17,805 --> 00:04:20,112
Ah, Cooper, those vows may seem nice,
100
00:04:20,137 --> 00:04:22,301
but you didn't have to watch
these two stumble over them
101
00:04:22,326 --> 00:04:24,446
while ugly crying.
102
00:04:25,239 --> 00:04:28,503
I vow... to make our wedding ceremony
103
00:04:28,547 --> 00:04:31,599
three hours longer than it needs to be.
104
00:04:33,558 --> 00:04:35,423
Even though all of our guests
105
00:04:35,467 --> 00:04:37,776
just want to rip shots at the open bar.
106
00:04:40,561 --> 00:04:42,041
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
107
00:04:42,066 --> 00:04:43,910
Make your jokes, all right?
108
00:04:43,953 --> 00:04:45,711
But I'll have you know Claire and I
109
00:04:45,736 --> 00:04:47,695
- are killing this marriage thing.
- Yeah.
110
00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:50,462
You know, thanks to these bad
boys, we are four years in,
111
00:04:50,506 --> 00:04:52,899
- and we've never had an actual fight.
- Wow.
112
00:04:52,943 --> 00:04:54,248
A whole four years.
113
00:04:54,273 --> 00:04:55,671
If your marriage was a bottle of wine,
114
00:04:55,696 --> 00:04:57,765
it'd be, like, 12 bucks.
115
00:05:01,796 --> 00:05:03,474
And by the way,
116
00:05:03,499 --> 00:05:05,083
it is healthy for couples to fight.
117
00:05:05,108 --> 00:05:06,499
We've been married for 30 years...
118
00:05:06,524 --> 00:05:07,612
We fight all the time.
119
00:05:07,821 --> 00:05:09,431
We don't fight all the time.
120
00:05:09,725 --> 00:05:11,724
Not in front of the kids.
121
00:05:12,030 --> 00:05:13,587
You're right.
122
00:05:13,612 --> 00:05:14,961
I'm sorry.
123
00:05:15,003 --> 00:05:17,372
I'm sorry, too. Oh.
124
00:05:26,773 --> 00:05:28,708
Oh, wow, babe.
125
00:05:28,733 --> 00:05:30,663
We crushed that anniversary dinner.
126
00:05:30,688 --> 00:05:32,124
Ooh, yeah.
127
00:05:32,149 --> 00:05:33,585
We really should stop
this tradition of eating
128
00:05:33,610 --> 00:05:35,418
a seafood tower for every
year we've been married.
129
00:05:35,443 --> 00:05:36,972
Oh, yeah.
130
00:05:37,449 --> 00:05:39,148
Oh, my God.
131
00:05:39,173 --> 00:05:40,993
Look at how this guy parked.
132
00:05:41,018 --> 00:05:42,735
- What a jerk.
- Hey, now.
133
00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:44,168
Let's not assume it was a guy.
134
00:05:44,193 --> 00:05:46,226
Ladies can be bad at stuff, too.
135
00:05:46,251 --> 00:05:48,891
Nope, tried to say something
good and it came out bad.
136
00:05:49,295 --> 00:05:51,210
You know, we should leave a nasty note.
137
00:05:51,235 --> 00:05:52,480
Give me that dinner receipt.
138
00:05:52,505 --> 00:05:54,376
But it has my name on it.
139
00:05:54,401 --> 00:05:56,504
And proof that I have a Discover card.
140
00:05:56,529 --> 00:05:58,878
Ugh. He's not gonna read the receipt.
141
00:05:59,069 --> 00:06:01,289
Yeah, you're right.
And even if he does,
142
00:06:01,314 --> 00:06:03,316
you know how many Jake Davises
there are in this city?
143
00:06:03,604 --> 00:06:07,392
17. And not one has responded
to a friend request.
144
00:06:08,682 --> 00:06:10,291
Ooh, girl.
145
00:06:10,316 --> 00:06:11,562
Get nasty with it.
146
00:06:11,587 --> 00:06:13,340
Okay. I see you.
147
00:06:13,365 --> 00:06:15,301
Very colorful language, my dear.
148
00:06:15,326 --> 00:06:17,125
Claire.
149
00:06:17,150 --> 00:06:20,767
"If you thought you knew how
to park, you're wrong, you..."
150
00:06:20,792 --> 00:06:24,229
Oh, that says "can't." Oh.
151
00:06:25,796 --> 00:06:28,500
And delivered.
152
00:06:29,835 --> 00:06:32,533
Well, guess we got to go
through the back door.
153
00:06:32,558 --> 00:06:34,386
It is our anniversary.
154
00:06:42,060 --> 00:06:43,792
All right.
155
00:06:43,817 --> 00:06:45,683
- There we go.
- Oh.
156
00:06:48,468 --> 00:06:51,045
Ooh. Climbing into the
car through the butt
157
00:06:51,070 --> 00:06:53,044
was a pretty good workout.
158
00:06:53,466 --> 00:06:55,312
Well, you know what else
is a good workout...
159
00:06:55,337 --> 00:06:56,686
Swimming.
160
00:06:59,031 --> 00:07:01,207
Oh, wait. Are you coming on to me?
161
00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:06,849
Leaving that nasty note got me
feeling a little nasty myself.
162
00:07:06,874 --> 00:07:09,100
Oh. Claire,
163
00:07:09,125 --> 00:07:11,978
you dirty dog.
164
00:07:12,437 --> 00:07:14,439
We know we have the house to ourselves,
165
00:07:14,464 --> 00:07:16,705
which means we can have
some good ol' fashioned
166
00:07:16,730 --> 00:07:19,773
- ♪ couch sex, baby this evening ♪
- Yeah.
167
00:07:19,798 --> 00:07:21,787
- ♪ I need some couch sex ♪
- Baby, tonight.
168
00:07:21,812 --> 00:07:23,988
Wait. Is that the receipt
that I wrote my note on?
169
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:26,141
What? This?
170
00:07:26,166 --> 00:07:27,901
No. No. This is, uh...
171
00:07:27,926 --> 00:07:29,318
This is... I was just
practicing origami.
172
00:07:29,343 --> 00:07:30,649
It's, uh...
173
00:07:31,994 --> 00:07:33,357
Oh.
174
00:07:33,382 --> 00:07:34,902
Messed up another one.
Guess I got to eat it.
175
00:07:34,927 --> 00:07:36,146
What?
176
00:07:36,213 --> 00:07:37,606
Drop it.
177
00:07:37,631 --> 00:07:40,634
Drop it. Drop it.
178
00:07:41,655 --> 00:07:45,202
Huh. Wow.
179
00:07:45,227 --> 00:07:47,206
So you took my note off the windshield?
180
00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:49,428
Yes.
181
00:07:50,773 --> 00:07:52,622
That's interesting,
182
00:07:52,647 --> 00:07:55,256
because I seem to recall
reading somewhere
183
00:07:55,281 --> 00:07:57,168
that you vowed to always have my back.
184
00:07:57,193 --> 00:08:00,118
Where was that? Oh, yeah. Ba-bam!
185
00:08:04,700 --> 00:08:08,288
Claire, taking that note
was having your back,
186
00:08:08,313 --> 00:08:10,177
because now that guy won't
see it and be all like...
187
00:08:17,234 --> 00:08:19,169
"I didn't mean it." "Yes, you did."
188
00:08:28,969 --> 00:08:31,155
That's him hitting on
you because he knows
189
00:08:31,180 --> 00:08:32,834
you're a beautiful
woman and any murderer
190
00:08:32,866 --> 00:08:34,978
would be lucky to have you as a wife.
191
00:08:36,369 --> 00:08:37,936
- Where are you going?
- To bed.
192
00:08:37,979 --> 00:08:40,664
No. Eh, not so fast,
Claire-io Andretti.
193
00:08:41,845 --> 00:08:43,693
I seem to recall reading somewhere
194
00:08:43,718 --> 00:08:46,852
that we vowed to never go to bed
without resolving our issues.
195
00:08:46,895 --> 00:08:48,475
I wonder where I read that.
196
00:08:48,500 --> 00:08:50,382
Oh, yeah. Ba-bam!
197
00:08:51,913 --> 00:08:53,506
There's nothing to resolve.
198
00:08:53,659 --> 00:08:55,785
You didn't have my back, and I'm tired.
199
00:08:55,810 --> 00:08:56,655
Well, we...
200
00:08:56,813 --> 00:08:58,584
we can't go to bed
unless I feel resolved
201
00:08:58,609 --> 00:09:00,398
and I do not feel resolved!
202
00:09:00,733 --> 00:09:02,422
Claire!
203
00:09:03,221 --> 00:09:04,875
Well, joke's on you, Claire.
204
00:09:05,063 --> 00:09:07,485
I can have sex on this
couch even without you.
205
00:09:14,750 --> 00:09:17,133
Don't worry, I'm not gonna do anything.
206
00:09:22,288 --> 00:09:23,506
I'm up late.
207
00:09:23,550 --> 00:09:25,508
Actually, I'm up late.
208
00:09:25,552 --> 00:09:27,728
- I'm up late.
- Hey.
209
00:09:28,238 --> 00:09:29,864
You're up early.
210
00:09:29,889 --> 00:09:31,065
Actually, I'm uplate.
211
00:09:31,090 --> 00:09:33,818
No. Over-rehearsed it.
212
00:09:33,843 --> 00:09:36,438
Wait. Did you stay up all night?
213
00:09:36,463 --> 00:09:37,791
I didn't want to.
214
00:09:37,816 --> 00:09:40,151
I had to, because I
don't break our vows.
215
00:09:40,176 --> 00:09:43,956
Husband, one; wife, zero.
216
00:09:44,672 --> 00:09:47,116
What did you even do for eight hours?
217
00:09:47,141 --> 00:09:48,897
I, uh, watched Saving Private Ryan,
218
00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,654
then accidentally
signed up for the army.
219
00:09:51,035 --> 00:09:53,563
Uh, got scared and unplugged the modem.
220
00:09:54,033 --> 00:09:55,496
Hmm.
221
00:09:55,521 --> 00:09:58,901
Well, Jake, I guess I
should say I'm sorry...
222
00:09:58,990 --> 00:10:01,624
that you felt the need
to stay up all night
223
00:10:01,649 --> 00:10:03,443
to prove your silly point.
224
00:10:04,288 --> 00:10:06,338
Is that really how you talk to someone
225
00:10:06,363 --> 00:10:07,403
who might be a member
226
00:10:07,428 --> 00:10:09,897
- of the United States Armed Forces?
- Oh, my God.
227
00:10:09,922 --> 00:10:11,784
Might be... You know what?
Now you're acting crazy.
228
00:10:11,809 --> 00:10:12,766
Apologize for real.
229
00:10:12,791 --> 00:10:14,118
What's the point of apologizing?
230
00:10:14,143 --> 00:10:15,710
Hiya, guys.
231
00:10:15,735 --> 00:10:17,482
- Hey. What's going on?
- Oh, hi.
232
00:10:17,734 --> 00:10:19,050
Will you stop?
233
00:10:19,075 --> 00:10:20,838
What do you think of this lyric
from my new love ballad?
234
00:10:20,863 --> 00:10:23,666
Uh, "I love all your
quirks, it's why we work.
235
00:10:23,691 --> 00:10:25,643
"Now, girl, break it down for me.
236
00:10:25,764 --> 00:10:28,292
Twerk, twerk, twerk."
237
00:10:32,416 --> 00:10:33,852
- It's amazing.
- I love it.
238
00:10:33,877 --> 00:10:35,355
As you were, lovebirds.
239
00:10:37,262 --> 00:10:38,987
Ugh. Well, we can't fight
in front of Cooper,
240
00:10:39,012 --> 00:10:41,420
'cause he looks up to
our perfect marriage.
241
00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:43,786
We're not fighting, all right?
242
00:10:43,811 --> 00:10:45,301
And we never will as
long as you promise
243
00:10:45,326 --> 00:10:46,988
to never break another one of our vows.
244
00:10:47,013 --> 00:10:48,794
Well, you broke the first vow
245
00:10:48,819 --> 00:10:50,463
when you didn't have
my back last night.
246
00:10:55,296 --> 00:10:58,632
I'm laughing because,
clearly, that was a joke.
247
00:10:58,657 --> 00:11:01,330
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I got to go to work.
248
00:11:01,355 --> 00:11:02,706
Ugh. You know what?
249
00:11:02,731 --> 00:11:05,201
Have fun nodding off at
your desk, ya big baby.
250
00:11:05,226 --> 00:11:06,051
Oh, I will.
251
00:11:06,076 --> 00:11:07,599
And every time I do,
I'll know it's my body
252
00:11:07,624 --> 00:11:09,449
telling me how right I am.
253
00:11:09,474 --> 00:11:10,577
You are correct, sir.
254
00:11:10,602 --> 00:11:12,716
Yes, you are right.
255
00:11:12,741 --> 00:11:14,438
Whoa, whoa. What are you doing?
256
00:11:14,463 --> 00:11:16,030
Well, I vowed to always
leave you with a kiss
257
00:11:16,055 --> 00:11:17,766
and I wouldn't want to
be the secondperson
258
00:11:17,791 --> 00:11:19,011
to break one of our vows.
259
00:11:19,036 --> 00:11:21,480
No, no, no, no. That's,
that's an angry kiss.
260
00:11:21,505 --> 00:11:22,530
I do not do anger kisses.
261
00:11:22,555 --> 00:11:23,773
No, it's not an angry kiss.
262
00:11:23,798 --> 00:11:25,134
It's a self-righteous kiss
263
00:11:25,159 --> 00:11:26,546
and it's gonna taste like you're wrong.
264
00:11:26,571 --> 00:11:28,738
No. No. No. I don't...
265
00:11:28,763 --> 00:11:30,746
Stop. You're Pepé Le Pew-ing me.
266
00:11:30,771 --> 00:11:32,495
I don't want it.
267
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:33,953
Hey.
268
00:11:33,978 --> 00:11:36,163
Hey.
269
00:11:37,217 --> 00:11:38,056
What's going on, guys?
270
00:11:38,081 --> 00:11:39,960
Oh, I was just honoring my vow
271
00:11:39,985 --> 00:11:42,648
to always leave Jake with a kiss, so...
272
00:11:42,673 --> 00:11:43,507
Mm-hmm.
273
00:11:53,220 --> 00:11:55,343
Thank you, dear.
274
00:11:55,803 --> 00:11:58,081
My God, your love is so inspiring.
275
00:11:58,300 --> 00:12:02,787
"You, you leave you with a kiss,
so you know my love is true.
276
00:12:02,812 --> 00:12:04,988
"And-and when you get home,
277
00:12:05,013 --> 00:12:08,704
I'm gonna Pepé Le-do you."
278
00:12:11,023 --> 00:12:12,458
It's amazing.
279
00:12:12,483 --> 00:12:14,181
- Cooper, you did it again, man.
- Thank you.
280
00:12:14,206 --> 00:12:16,633
How does he do it? Right?
281
00:12:39,281 --> 00:12:41,397
Mm.
282
00:12:44,964 --> 00:12:48,067
Husband, one; wife, one.
283
00:12:58,160 --> 00:12:59,599
Oh.
284
00:13:00,069 --> 00:13:02,667
Hitting the old mahogany
mattress, were we?
285
00:13:02,692 --> 00:13:04,782
I must have dozed off.
286
00:13:04,825 --> 00:13:06,218
Ah, it's okay, Jake.
287
00:13:06,260 --> 00:13:08,567
Stories about my susceptibility
to lightning strikes
288
00:13:08,618 --> 00:13:10,272
can be a little boring.
289
00:13:10,297 --> 00:13:11,866
No, no. I'm sorry.
290
00:13:11,891 --> 00:13:13,501
I... I just had a rough night.
291
00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:15,876
Don't apologize. I fall
asleep at work all the time.
292
00:13:15,919 --> 00:13:20,203
Managing a pop star is a 24/7/365 job.
293
00:13:20,228 --> 00:13:21,753
Well, 364.
294
00:13:21,778 --> 00:13:25,190
I take off Secretaries Day
to honor my late mother.
295
00:13:25,215 --> 00:13:26,339
Oh, I'm sorry.
296
00:13:26,364 --> 00:13:28,028
Thank you. She's never on time.
297
00:13:28,053 --> 00:13:29,581
It's so annoying.
298
00:13:30,375 --> 00:13:32,024
So what happened?
299
00:13:32,049 --> 00:13:34,428
- Claire and I had a bit of an argument.
- Mm-hmm.
300
00:13:34,453 --> 00:13:37,518
You know, one thing I
know about marriage
301
00:13:37,543 --> 00:13:40,660
is that it is all about
winning and losing.
302
00:13:41,305 --> 00:13:42,983
I may not have a house,
303
00:13:43,008 --> 00:13:45,992
a car, or children that talk
to me, but I have my pride.
304
00:13:46,017 --> 00:13:47,820
Four and oh, baby.
305
00:13:48,359 --> 00:13:50,383
I gotta go talk to Claire.
306
00:13:50,408 --> 00:13:52,462
No, Jake. You have to talk atClaire.
307
00:13:52,487 --> 00:13:53,749
Don't let her get a word in.
308
00:13:53,774 --> 00:13:55,727
Make her know how you feel.
309
00:14:00,118 --> 00:14:02,468
Oh, yeah.
310
00:14:02,512 --> 00:14:04,079
Oh, yeah?
311
00:14:04,122 --> 00:14:06,733
Oh, yeah.
312
00:14:06,777 --> 00:14:10,115
Babe, I had some time to
think, and, uh, I'm sorry.
313
00:14:10,140 --> 00:14:12,758
Oh, yeah? Well, you have a
stupid, weird-shaped...
314
00:14:12,783 --> 00:14:14,435
- Wait. What?
- What?
315
00:14:16,678 --> 00:14:18,357
Did you just apologize?
316
00:14:18,382 --> 00:14:19,754
Yeah. You know,
317
00:14:19,779 --> 00:14:22,390
I-I realized marriage isn't
about winning and losing.
318
00:14:22,575 --> 00:14:24,413
Those vows were a
really sweet gift idea.
319
00:14:24,438 --> 00:14:25,989
Let's not ruin it by
arguing about them.
320
00:14:26,014 --> 00:14:27,861
Oh, I'm sorry, too.
321
00:14:29,900 --> 00:14:31,864
You know, why don't you go
in the kitchen and, uh,
322
00:14:31,889 --> 00:14:33,177
pour us two glasses of champagne
323
00:14:33,202 --> 00:14:35,637
and we can celebrate the
end of this non-fight?
324
00:14:35,662 --> 00:14:37,605
Ooh, I likey.
325
00:14:40,083 --> 00:14:42,570
Oh, my God.
326
00:14:42,595 --> 00:14:45,347
Oh. No. No. No.
327
00:14:52,622 --> 00:14:54,428
Oh.
328
00:15:00,732 --> 00:15:02,546
What are you doing?
329
00:15:02,571 --> 00:15:04,839
Wanna have sex?
330
00:15:07,428 --> 00:15:09,429
All the time.
331
00:15:09,454 --> 00:15:11,470
Wait a minute, that was too easy.
332
00:15:11,495 --> 00:15:13,236
What are you hiding, Claire?
333
00:15:13,261 --> 00:15:14,697
Nothing.
334
00:15:14,751 --> 00:15:16,354
- Then why are you blocking when I...
- I'm not.
335
00:15:16,385 --> 00:15:17,118
Just...
336
00:15:17,158 --> 00:15:18,865
- when I'm trying to...
- When... Oh. Oh.
337
00:15:19,937 --> 00:15:20,982
Oh, my God!
338
00:15:21,025 --> 00:15:22,157
What?!
339
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:23,981
- What?
- Oh, my God.
340
00:15:24,006 --> 00:15:27,104
Someone broke in and
vandalized our gift.
341
00:15:28,387 --> 00:15:31,023
Did you cross out one of my vows?
342
00:15:31,828 --> 00:15:33,569
Okay, yes.
343
00:15:33,594 --> 00:15:36,018
I was really upset when you left and...
344
00:15:36,062 --> 00:15:38,238
I didn't know you were gonna
come back and apologize,
345
00:15:38,281 --> 00:15:40,892
but look, I can, I can
fix it right now. Look.
346
00:15:40,936 --> 00:15:42,645
That... and then you...
347
00:15:42,670 --> 00:15:45,234
Eh? See? I signed it
like you do at the bank
348
00:15:45,259 --> 00:15:47,718
when you handle important business.
349
00:15:49,609 --> 00:15:53,014
Do not try to turn me on with
sexy bank talk, all right?
350
00:15:53,340 --> 00:15:55,803
I kept that vow. I
keep all of our vows.
351
00:15:55,828 --> 00:15:59,737
Oh, please. So you really
"treat me like a queen"?
352
00:15:59,762 --> 00:16:02,630
Well, not literally, but
now that you mention it,
353
00:16:02,655 --> 00:16:04,499
would you like me to
remove that scepter
354
00:16:04,524 --> 00:16:08,431
from thine butt?
355
00:16:08,456 --> 00:16:10,328
Well, in that case,
356
00:16:10,502 --> 00:16:12,939
off with your head... privileges.
357
00:16:12,964 --> 00:16:14,916
O-Okay. All right.
358
00:16:14,941 --> 00:16:17,113
Oh, I'll play this game.
I can play this game.
359
00:16:17,138 --> 00:16:18,401
How 'bout how you...
360
00:16:18,426 --> 00:16:21,033
promise to "always
celebrate my quirks," huh?
361
00:16:21,058 --> 00:16:23,863
Well, I don't feel very
celebrated right now.
362
00:16:23,888 --> 00:16:25,686
Oh. Well, let's,
363
00:16:25,711 --> 00:16:27,788
let's have a party for them.
364
00:16:28,206 --> 00:16:29,862
You know, let's start
with how you always
365
00:16:29,887 --> 00:16:32,355
have to do an open-mouth
smile for every picture.
366
00:16:32,380 --> 00:16:35,045
I don't open-mouth smile for every...
367
00:16:36,265 --> 00:16:39,402
Oh. Or how you have to save
368
00:16:39,427 --> 00:16:41,658
every single receipt that
you've every gotten.
369
00:16:41,683 --> 00:16:43,975
Let's have a little party
for them, too, right?
370
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:46,840
- Yay! Yay!
- Oh, my gosh!
371
00:16:46,865 --> 00:16:48,929
You're mixing deductible categories.
372
00:16:48,954 --> 00:16:51,198
We're gonna go to jail. Are you crazy?
373
00:16:51,223 --> 00:16:53,044
Oh, my gosh.
374
00:16:53,446 --> 00:16:54,919
Ugh.
375
00:16:55,111 --> 00:16:58,462
Well, since no one's taking
our vows seriously anymore,
376
00:16:58,487 --> 00:17:01,630
I guess I'll do a little
something like this.
377
00:17:09,096 --> 00:17:11,207
I hope you're in the
mood for an instrument
378
00:17:11,232 --> 00:17:13,977
I like to call the devil's testicle.
379
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:17,164
Oh, my God.
380
00:17:17,189 --> 00:17:19,187
It sounds terrible.
381
00:17:19,231 --> 00:17:21,700
Yeah, Claire. It's the bagpipes.
382
00:17:22,143 --> 00:17:23,780
Oh, great.
383
00:17:23,805 --> 00:17:25,967
You know what? Keep playing,
384
00:17:25,992 --> 00:17:28,480
'cause it's getting me in the
mood for a little dancing.
385
00:17:28,724 --> 00:17:30,160
Oh, you better not Dougie.
386
00:17:30,185 --> 00:17:32,971
Oh, I'm about to Dougie.
I'm about to Dougie.
387
00:17:32,996 --> 00:17:34,230
- What? Ah.
- Don't you dare.
388
00:17:34,255 --> 00:17:36,867
Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
389
00:17:46,614 --> 00:17:47,966
What are you guys doing?
390
00:17:47,991 --> 00:17:49,713
What does it look like we're doing?!
391
00:17:50,157 --> 00:17:51,601
Um...
392
00:17:54,445 --> 00:17:56,011
I honestly don't know.
393
00:17:57,106 --> 00:17:58,981
We're having our first fight.
394
00:17:59,006 --> 00:18:00,218
And I hope you finished your love song
395
00:18:00,243 --> 00:18:02,677
because our vows are a bunch of crap.
396
00:18:03,935 --> 00:18:05,501
This is my fault, isn't it?
397
00:18:05,526 --> 00:18:07,528
- No, it's Jake's.
- No, it's Claire's.
398
00:18:11,729 --> 00:18:13,034
Oh, my God.
399
00:18:13,059 --> 00:18:17,019
Someone broke in and
vandalized my gift.
400
00:18:27,499 --> 00:18:29,035
Couldn't sleep?
401
00:18:29,836 --> 00:18:31,187
Yep.
402
00:18:31,767 --> 00:18:33,178
Turns out it was only
4:00 in the afternoon
403
00:18:33,203 --> 00:18:35,322
when I stormed upstairs.
404
00:18:38,530 --> 00:18:41,010
And, uh, it felt weird
to come back down here
405
00:18:41,035 --> 00:18:42,966
so I pretended to read a book.
406
00:18:44,254 --> 00:18:45,603
What book?
407
00:18:45,628 --> 00:18:47,795
I don't know. I was pretending.
408
00:18:49,448 --> 00:18:50,991
Jake and Claire! Could you guys come
409
00:18:51,016 --> 00:18:52,687
into the living room, please?
410
00:18:55,281 --> 00:18:58,109
Oh, my gosh, Claire, are you okay?
411
00:18:58,134 --> 00:19:00,615
Why'd you say she was
having a heart attack?
412
00:19:01,648 --> 00:19:04,345
Gotcha.
413
00:19:05,508 --> 00:19:07,541
Anyway, these guys were
having a big fight
414
00:19:07,566 --> 00:19:09,002
and I thought you guys could help.
415
00:19:09,310 --> 00:19:11,782
Yeah, a fight I thought was
between myself, my wife
416
00:19:11,807 --> 00:19:14,480
and an unrelated boy who
lives in our attic.
417
00:19:14,893 --> 00:19:16,764
Well, look, I'm sorry,
but I feel so bad
418
00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:18,182
my gift caused you guys to fight.
419
00:19:18,207 --> 00:19:20,211
This is why I usually
just give people cars.
420
00:19:20,514 --> 00:19:22,044
Seriously?
421
00:19:22,069 --> 00:19:23,682
Anyway, I figured Bonnie and Gerald
422
00:19:23,707 --> 00:19:25,535
have been married for 30
years, maybe they could help.
423
00:19:25,746 --> 00:19:28,214
Ugh. Okay, look, I know you guys think
424
00:19:28,239 --> 00:19:29,999
that our vows are ridiculous,
425
00:19:30,024 --> 00:19:31,977
but we are trying our
best to live up to them.
426
00:19:32,002 --> 00:19:33,854
But that's the problem. You
wrote these fancy vows
427
00:19:33,879 --> 00:19:35,689
that sound amazing, but
at the end of the day
428
00:19:35,714 --> 00:19:37,604
they're impossible to live up to.
429
00:19:37,629 --> 00:19:39,762
You guys just set too many rules.
430
00:19:39,787 --> 00:19:42,190
It's a marriage, not an orgy.
431
00:19:47,641 --> 00:19:49,380
Look, think about it. Your
wedding day is the day
432
00:19:49,405 --> 00:19:50,842
you know the least about your marriage,
433
00:19:50,867 --> 00:19:54,098
so making promises then is just
setting yourself up for failure.
434
00:19:54,123 --> 00:19:56,120
That's why you always
stick with the hits:
435
00:19:56,145 --> 00:19:57,306
good times, bad times,
436
00:19:57,331 --> 00:19:58,480
sickness, health,
437
00:19:58,505 --> 00:20:00,628
burial or cremation.
438
00:20:01,018 --> 00:20:02,425
Cremation.
439
00:20:02,450 --> 00:20:04,565
Burn, baby, burn.
440
00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:07,166
You know, I think they're right.
441
00:20:07,191 --> 00:20:09,196
Like, I don't want to be in
a marriage based on rules
442
00:20:09,221 --> 00:20:10,689
we set up years ago.
443
00:20:11,104 --> 00:20:12,844
I want to grow and evolve with you.
444
00:20:12,869 --> 00:20:14,653
Aw.
445
00:20:14,678 --> 00:20:16,163
Me, too.
446
00:20:16,563 --> 00:20:17,933
Ew.
447
00:20:20,532 --> 00:20:23,579
Wow.
448
00:20:23,604 --> 00:20:26,018
- That was amazing.
- Mm.
449
00:20:26,043 --> 00:20:27,871
God, I can't believe
we've been missing out
450
00:20:27,896 --> 00:20:29,836
on make-up sex all these years.
451
00:20:29,861 --> 00:20:32,733
I know. Stupid loving relationship.
452
00:20:32,996 --> 00:20:34,519
Well, you know what this means?
453
00:20:34,563 --> 00:20:36,723
We just got to start
having more arguments.
454
00:20:36,748 --> 00:20:38,826
No, we don't. That's crazy.
455
00:20:38,992 --> 00:20:40,375
You're crazy.
456
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:42,315
Don't call me crazy.
457
00:20:42,701 --> 00:20:44,828
You're right, I'm sorry.
458
00:20:45,507 --> 00:20:47,285
I'm sorry, too.
459
00:20:47,952 --> 00:20:52,249
- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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