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MY MIND IS MADE UP, ALBERT.

AS YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN WITH ALMAELOU FOR EIGHT YEARS.

I'VE BEEN MORE THAN JUST A SECRETARY TO YOU.

OH, I GET IT NOW.

YOU WANT A RAISE.

WRONG! YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT, ALBERT.

ROSIE, IF YOU'RE REFERRING

TO ANYTHING OF A MORE PERMANENT NATURE...

WELL, I'M JUST NOT READY FOR IT.

BESIDES, THERE ARE RELIGIOUS DIFFERENCES.

SPANISH IS NOT A RELIGION.

IF IT'S PART OF THE COMPANY YOU'RE AFTER,

THE ANSWER IS NO TO THAT TOO!

ALMAELOU IS ME, MOMMA AND LOU.

ANY CHANGE WOULD KILL THAT WONDERFUL WOMAN THAT BORE ME!

NOTHING COULD KILL YOUR MOTHER, AL, EXCEPT A SILVER BULLET.

AND I WON'T DROP POOR OLD LOU, EITHER.

HE LOVED YOU, ROSE.

OH, I LOVED LOU TOO.

SURE, HE WAS WARM, HE WAS LOYAL, HE WAS LOVABLE.

BUT HE DIED SIX YEARS AGO.

BESIDES, HE WAS A WIRE-HAIRED TERRIER!

ANYHOW, I DON'T WANT A PART OF THE COMPANY!

THIS IS SOMETHING MUCH MORE IMPORTANT!

YOU'RE GONNA DISCUSS WHAT I THINK YOU ARE,

I'M IN NO MOOD TO DISCUSS IT!

THERE'S NOTHING TO DISCUSS. CONRAD BIRDIE'S GOING INTO THE ARMY AND I QUIT!

YOU CAN GIVE UP THE BUSINESS, GO BACK TO COLLEGE.

ROSE, I AM UP TO MY EARS IN DEBT!

CONRAD BIRDIE HAS A $50,000 GUARANTEE

WHICH I CAN'T PAY,

AND I HAVE JUST TAKEN A SEVERE OVERDOSE OF ASPIRIN.

ALBERT, THIS MAY BE YOUR VERY LAST CHANCE.

WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME, ALBERT

I'M SERIOUS.

HIS GOING IN THE ARMY IS THE BEST THING HE COULD DO

NOW YOU'RE FREE TO START TO DO WHAT YOU WANTED TO

ALBERT, ALBERT, ALBERT!

I REMEMBER HOW YOU TOLD ME I SHOULD TRUST YOU FOR A YEAR

IT WOULD JUST BE FOR A YEAR

BUT IT'S EIGHT YEARS, ALBERT

EIGHT LONG YEARS, ALBERT...

IT TAKES TIME TO BUILD A BUSINESS, ROSIE.

IT WAS ONLY A SIDELINE, THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID

YOU JUST NEEDED SOME MONEY, THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID

YOU WERE GOING TO COLLEGE AND GET AHEAD

INSTEAD OF BEING A MUSIC-BUSINESS BUM

YOU WERE GOING TO N.Y.U. AND BECOME...

DON'T SAY IT, ROSIE.

AN ENGLISH TEACHER!

AND FURTHERMORE, YOU WROTE POETRY. IN THE N.Y.U. YEARBOOK,

UNDER ALBERT PETERSON'S FAVORITE PIECE OF LITERATURE--

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT SAYS "LITTLE WOMEN."

AN ENGLISH TEACHER

AN ENGLISH TEACHER

IF ONLY YOU'D BEEN AN ENGLISH TEACHER

WE'D HAVE A LITTLE APARTMENT IN QUEENS

YOU'D GET A SUMMER VACATION

AND WE WOULD KNOW WHAT LIFE MEANS

A MAN WHO'S GOT HIS MASTER'S

IS REALLY SOMEONE

HOW PROUD I'D BE IF YOU HAD BECOME ONE

IT COULD HAVE BEEN SUCH A WONDERFUL LIFE

I COULD HAVE BEEN MRS. PETERSON

MRS. ALBERT PETERSON

MRS. "PHI BETA KAPPA" PETERSON

THE ENGLISH TEACHER'S WIFE.

ROSIE, I'LL MAKE A DEAL WITH YOU.

STAY WITH ME.

HELP ME GET THE MONEY TO PAY CONRAD'S GUARANTEE,

AND I PROMISE AS SOON AS I'M OUT OF THE RED

I WILL DISSOLVE THIS COMPANY

AND GO BACK TO THE ACADEMIC LIFE.

ALBERT, YOU'RE ON.

OH, ROSIE, THAT'S GREAT.

IT MAY TAKE ME A WHILE, BUT I'M SURE BY 1973--

- PICK A NAME. - PICK A NAME

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

NEVER MIND. I'LL PICK ONE FOR YOU.

MacAFEE. KIM MacAFEE.

PRESIDENT AND RECORDING SECRETARY,

CONRAD BIRDIE FAN CLUB NUMBER 2748,

SWEET APPLE, OHIO.

MARY, GET ME SWEET APPLE, OHIO,

- CAPITOL 7820. - RIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT WHO'S THIS KIM MacFRACKETY

MacAFEE, ALBERT. KIM MacAFEE IS GONNA SEND YOU BACK TO COLLEGE

WITH THE BIGGEST HIT SONG THIS INDUSTRY HAS EVER HEARD.

IT'S CALLED... "ONE LAST KISS."

- I NEVER HEARD OF IT. - YOU HAVEN'T WRITTEN IT YET.

BUT WHEN YOU DO, AND WHEN THAT ONE LAST KISS IS FROM CONRAD

ON HIS WAY INTO THE BIG, COLD ARMY FOR TWO LONG YEARS,

AND HE GIVES THAT KISS TO ONE OF HIS FANS--

CHOSEN AT RANDOM FROM 1,200,000

SCREAMING, HYSTERICAL TEENAGERS,

IT'LL MAKE MR. BIRDIE THE HOTTEST SOLDIER SINCE JOAN OF ARC!

I'M BEGINNING TO GET THE POINT.

WE CUT THE RECORD HERE IN NEW YORK--

TAKE CONRAD BIRDIE TO SWEET APPLE--

LET HIM KISS THIS KIM--

THEN RELEASE THE RECORD!

YOU'LL MAKE ENOUGH TO STAY IN COLLEGE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!

ROSIE, YOU'RE WONDERFUL!

I PROMISE, THE MINUTE THIS IS SETTLED,

IT'LL JUST BE THE TWO OF US TOGETHER IN PERFECT BLISS.

I'LL GET A JOB TEACHING ENGLISH AND...

BLISS. KISS.

THAT RHYMES.

WONDER IF ANYONE'S EVER USED IT BEFORE

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE

IT'LL BE PERFECT FOR THE SONG.

OH-- OH, ONE LAST KISS

IT REALLY IS SUCH BLISS

OUR LIPS WILL NEVER MISS

JUST TURN YOUR HEAD LIKE THIS.

- Mary: ROSIE, ALL THE LINES ARE BUSY. - NOT BAD.

EVERY PHONE IN SWEET APPLE CAN'T BE BUSY.

- WHAT'S GOING ON THERE - ( humming )

Rose: KIM MacAFEE JUST GOT PINNED TO WHO

WHOM.

( telephones ringing )

HI, NANCY

HI, HELEN

WHAT'S THE STORY, MORNING GLORY

WHAT'S THE TALE, NIGHTINGALE

TELL ME QUICK ABOUT HUGO AND KIM

HI, MARGIE

HI, ALICE

WHAT'S THE STORY, MORNING GLORY

WHAT'S THE WORD, HUMMINGBIRD

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT HUGO AND KIM

DID THEY REALLY GET PINNED

DID SHE KISS HIM AND CRY

DID HE PIN THE PIN ON

OR WAS HE TOO SHY

- I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED - YEAH, YEAH

- I WAS HOPING THEY WOULD - UH-HUH

- THEY'RE LIVING AT LAST - HE'S GONE

- GOING STEADY FOR GOOD - HELLO, MR. MERKLE

THIS IS HARVEY JOHNSON

CAN I SPEAK TO URSULA, PLEASE

- IS IT TRUE ABOUT KIM - URSULA

- I KNEW IT SOMEHOW... - ABOUT OUR DATE...

- I MUST CALL HER RIGHT UP... - Saturday

I CAN'T TALK TO YOU NOW!

- GOING STEADY - YOU KNOW IT, MAN

- GOING STEADY - IT'S CRAZY, MAN

- GOING STEADY - YOU KNOW IT

IT WON'T LAST

NOT A PRAYER

SHE'S TOO COOL

HE'S TOO SQUARE

HELLO, MRS. MILLER, THIS IS HARVEY JOHNSON

CAN I SPEAK TO DEBRA SUE

HIYA, HUGO

Hiya, stupid

What ya wanna go get pinned for

- I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED - HEY, YA MEATHEAD

- I WAS HOPING THEY WOULD - Lost your marbles

- THEY'RE LIVING AT LAST - Are ya nutty

- GOING STEADY FOR-- - HELLO, MRS. GARFEIN...

IS CHARITY HOME FROM SCHOOL YET

- DID THEY REALLY GET PINNED - SHE SAW HIM

- I WAS HOPING THEY WOULD - SHE DUG HIM

- GOING STEADY - SHE NAILED HIM

YA GOTTA GO, THAT'S THE WAY TO GO

Men: WHEN THEY GOT YOU HOOKED

THEN YOU'RE REALLY COOKED

WHAT YA GONNA DO WHAT YA GONNA DO

- I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED - OH, MAN

- I WAS THINKING THEY WOULD - OH, MAN

NOW THEY'RE LIVING AT LAST, GOING STEADY FOR GOOD

- GOING STEADY, GOING STEADY - AH-OOH, AH-OOH

STEADY FOR GOOD, GOING STEADY

GOING STEADY, GOING STEADY, STEADY FOR GOOD

HE'S IN LOVE WITH KIM

KIM'S IN LOVE WITH HIM

GOING STEADY, GOING STEADY

DO TELL

WELL, WELL, DO TELL

- THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE - OH, YEAH

- THEY'LL BE HAPPY, I KNOW - OH, YEAH

- GOING STEADY'S FOR ME - OH, YEAH

- THAT'S THE WAY YOU SHOULD GO - GOING STEADY...

GOING STEADY, STEADY FOR GOOD

( repeating ) GOING STEADY...

OHHHH, YEAH!

OH, YEAH!

( telephone ringing )

I'LL GET IT!

HELLO

KIM MacAFEE, WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE RESIGNING FROM THE FAN CLUB

JUST BECAUSE HUGO PEABODY GAVE YOU HIS PIN

DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO RETIRE FROM ALL SOCIAL LIFE.

GOING STEADY IS VERY IMPORTANT,

but some things are more important than very important.

The Conrad Birdie Fan Club is one of them.

KIM, WHERE ELSE CAN WE GIRLS GATHER

TO WORSHIP SUCH A WONDERFUL CREATURE

DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU WOULD BE GIVING UP, KIM

I'M SORRY, URSULA, BUT I'VE MADE UP MY MIND.

OF COURSE, I'LL STILL PLAY HIS RECORDS,

BUT THINGS LIKE THE PLEDGE

AND THE SCREAM ARE PAST ME NOW.

YOU'RE GIVING UP THE SCREAM

WHEN CONRAD BIRDIE SINGS ON TELEVISION,

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GO...

( screams )

OH, KIM!

Woman: KIM, DEAR

YES, MOTHER

WOULD YOU PLEASE GET OFF THE PHONE

I HAVE SOME CALLS TO MAKE.

I'M SORRY, URSULA, I HAVE TO GET OFF THE PHONE.

YOU'LL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING TO THE OTHER KIDS

WELL, I SUPPOSE I HAVE TO.

OH, KIM, ARE YOU SURE

I MEAN, REALLY, KIM.

I MEAN, AFTER ALL, ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE

I'M POSITIVE. IT'S TIME I SETTLED DOWN.

( sighs )

BYE, KIM.

BYE.

WHEN YOU'RE A SKINNY CHILD OF 15

WIRED WITH BRACES FROM EAR TO EAR

YOU DOUBT THAT YOU COULD EVER BE APPEALING

THEN, HALLELUJAH, YOU'RE 17

AND THE BRACES DISAPPEAR

AND YOUR SKIN IS SMOOTH AND CLEAR

AND YOU HAVE THAT HAPPY GROWN-UP FEMALE FEELING

HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN

THE WAIT WAS WELL WORTHWHILE

HOW LOVELY TO WEAR MASCARA

AND SMILE A WOMAN'S SMILE

HOW LOVELY TO HAVE A FIGURE

THAT'S ROUND INSTEAD OF FLAT

WHENEVER YOU HEAR BOYS WHISTLE

YOU'RE WHAT THEY'RE WHISTLING AT

IT'S WONDERFUL TO FEEL

THE WAY A WOMAN FEELS

IT GIVES YOU SUCH A GLOW

JUST TO KNOW

YOU'RE WEARING LIPSTICK AND HEELS

HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN

AND HAVE ONE JOB TO DO

TO PICK OUT A BOY AND TRAIN HIM

AND THEN WHEN YOU ARE THROUGH

YOU'VE MADE HIM THE MAN YOU WANT HIM TO BE

LIFE'S LOVELY WHEN YOU'RE A WOMAN

LIKE ME

HOW WONDERFUL TO KNOW

THE THINGS A WOMAN KNOWS

HOW MARVELOUS TO WAIT

FOR A DATE

IN SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL CLOTHES

HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN

AND CHANGE FROM BOYS TO MEN

TO GO TO A FANCY NIGHT CLUB

AND STAY OUT AFTER 10

HOW LOVELY TO BE SO GROWN-UP AND FREE

LIFE'S LOVELY WHEN YOU'RE A WOMAN

LIKE ME.

( music playing )

Announcer: Robert Young...

and Jane Wyatt...

with Elinor Donahue, Billy Gray,

- and Lauren Chapin... - ( telephone ringing )

in "Father Knows Best."

Man on TV: Don't come down the stairs like that, Bud,

you sound like an elephant wearing golf shoes.

- ( ringing continuing ) - Bud: Hello Oh, hi, Joe.

No matter what it is you want, I can't do it.

Sounds great, but I can't go.

I'll ask my dad, but it's no use.

- HELLO - Father: How do you know it's no use

You shouldn't make up your mind in advance.

You make me sound like your jailer instead of your father.

Can I go with the fellas on our scooters to the quarry

KIM, IT'S FOR YOU.

THE OPERATOR SAYS SHE'S BEEN TRYING TO GET THROUGH FOR THREE-QUARTERS OF AN HOUR.

- THANK YOU, DORIS. - SHE SAID IT WAS LONG DISTANCE--

- WHAT DID YOU SAY - I SAID, "THANK YOU, DORIS."

- GREAT. - HELLO

YES, THIS IS SHE.

YES, I'LL WAIT.

THERE'S NO NEED TO BE UPSET.

IT'S MODERN TO CALL YOUR MOTHER BY HER FIRST NAME.

MAKES MOTHER AND DAUGHTER FEEL MORE LIKE PALS.

- Doris: AND YOUR FATHER - I'LL CALL HIM HARRY, NATURALLY.

BY THE WAY, I THINK HARRY TOOK THE NEWS

ABOUT HUGO AND I AWFULLY WELL.

I DON'T KNOW. YESTERDAY, I WAS A MOTHER.

TODAY, I'M A PAL.

COULDN'T YOU CALL ME MOM THAT'S MODERN.

I'M SORRY. TIMES ARE CHANGING.

YOU'VE GOT TO GO ALONG, OR YOU'RE GONNA BE

LEFT BEHIND WITH THE OLD FOLKS.

YES, I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID.

CONRAD BIRDIE IS COMING HERE TO KISS ME.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. BYE-BYE.

Boy on TV: So long.

Girl: Bye.

Kim: DORIS

MOMMY!

MOMMA!

- WHAT IS IT - IT'S CONRAD BIRDIE.

HE'S GOING TO KISS ME!

OH. THAT'S NICE, DEAR.

NO, MOMMY, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IT'S CONRAD BIRDIE--

HE'S COMING HERE TO SWEET APPLE!

HE'S GOING TO KISS ME GOODBYE!

OH, MOMMY!

MOMMY!

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS,

BUT GOD BLESS CONRAD BIRDIE.

WELL, IT'S ABOUT TIME.

- WHAT'S THE EMERGENCY - WAIT TILL EVERYONE GETS HERE.

- WHAT'S UP - I'LL TELL YOU IN A MINUTE.

Both: WHAT'S GOING ON WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT

TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND I'LL TELL YOU.

- ( inhaling together ) - IT'S ABOUT CONRAD BIRDIE.

( screaming )

HE'S COMING HERE IN PERSON.

- TO SWEET APPLE! - OH, MY GOD!

- ASK ME WHY. - Girls: WHY!

HE'S GOING TO KISS KIM MacAFEE GOODBYE

BEFORE HE GOES INTO THE ARMY.

- KIM HOW COME - SHE WAS CHOSEN.

- OH, MY GOD! - THAT LUCKY DUCK!

WE'LL GET TO SEE HIM, MAYBE EVEN GET TO MEET HIM.

IF HE SAID HELLO TO ME, I'D PASS OUT!

I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO HIM!

HOW ABOUT, "HAVE A NICE TIME IN THE ARMY"

I DON'T THINK THEY DO.

- WHAT WOULD YOU SAY - I DON'T KNOW.

- YOU KNOW WHAT I'D SAY - WHAT

BYE BYE, BIRDIE

I'M GONNA MISS YOU SO

BYE BYE, BIRDIE

WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO

NO MORE SUNSHINE

IT'S FOLLOWED YOU AWAY

I'LL CRY, BIRDIE

TILL YOU'RE HOME TO STAY

I'LL MISS THE WAY YOU SMILE

AS THOUGH IT'S JUST FOR ME

AND EVERY SINGLE NIGHT

I'LL WRITE YOU FAITHFULLY

BYE BYE, BIRDIE

IT'S AWFUL HARD TO BEAR

BYE BYE, BIRDIE

GUESS I'LL ALWAYS CARE

WE'RE GONNA MISS HIM TERRIBLY

IT'S GONNA BE REAL TOUGH

TO EASE THE PAIN

OF COURSE WE'VE GOT

A LOT OF BIRDIE STUFF

LIKE MY BIRDIE SWEATS, I WEAR THEM DAY AND NIGHT

THEY'RE REALLY OUTTA SIGHT

MY BIRDIE COLA COMFORTS ME AT ALL MY SODA BREAKS

- AT EVERY BREAKFAST TIME, I MUNCH MY BIRDIE FLAKES... - ME, TOO!

THE PLASTIC BIRDIE STATUETTES

ARE REALLY WORKS OF ART

I WEAR MY BIRDIE TRAINING BRA

TO KEEP HIM NEAR MY HEART

HERE ON MY CALENDAR I'VE MARKED THE FATEFUL DAY

WHEN HE'LL REPORT TO UNCLE SAM

AND BRAVELY MARCH AWAY...

All: OHH!

BYE BYE, BIRDIE

THE ARMY'S GOT YOU NOW

I'LL TRY, BIRDIE

TO GO ON SOMEHOW

I SIGH, BIRDIE

EACH TIME YOU MOVE THOSE LIPS

I DIE, BIRDIE

WHEN YOU TWIST THOSE HIPS

( shrieks )

YOU REALLY TURN ME ON

I'M LIKE A SAVAGE BEAST

THE ARMY SHOULD MAKE YOU A GENERAL AT LEAST...

OH, YEAH!

BYE BYE, BIRDIE

DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO

COME BACK, BIRDIE

I WILL WAIT FOR YOU

WE'LL BE HERE FOR YOU.

( sobbing )

Man on PA: Porter to track number six.

Porter to track number six.

Your attention, please--

train number 99, southeast service to Miami

via Washington, Richmond, Norfolk, Wilmington...

GIRLS, GATHER 'ROUND. WE HAVE TO REHEARSE THE CONRAD BIRDIE THEME SONG

BEFORE THE REPORTERS GET HERE, ALL RIGHT

NICE AND WIDE. ( hums )

RIGHT ABOUT THERE. READY AND...

WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, OH YES, WE DO

WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, AND WE'LL BE TRUE

WHEN YOU'RE NOT NEAR US, WE'RE BLUE

- THAT'S RIGHT. - OH, CONRAD, WE LOVE YOU.

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU - I'M SAD...

BECAUSE CONRAD BIRDIE IS GOING INTO THE ARMY.

I'LL BE TOO OLD FOR HIM WHEN HE GETS OUT.

I THINK YOU STILL HAVE A FEW GOOD YEARS LEFT.

COME ON, THINGS CAN'T BE THAT BLACK.

LITTLE GIRL, THIS IS AN ADULT SPEAKING.

I ORDER YOU TO SMILE!

HEH HEH!

PLEASE

GRAY SKIES ARE GONNA CLEAR UP

PUT ON A HAPPY FACE

BRUSH OFF THE CLOUDS AND CHEER UP

PUT ON A HAPPY FACE

TAKE OFF THE GLOOMY MASK OF TRAGEDY

IT'S NOT YOUR STYLE

YOU'LL LOOK SO GOOD THAT YOU'LL BE GLAD

YOU DECIDED TO SMILE

PICK OUT A PLEASANT OUTLOOK

STICK OUT THAT NOBLE CHIN

WIPE OFF THAT FULL-OF-DOUBT LOOK

SLAP ON A HAPPY GRIN

AND SPREAD SUNSHINE ALL OVER THE PLACE

JUST PUT ON A HAPPY FACE

PUT ON A HAPPY FACE

PUT ON A HAPPY FACE

AND IF YOU'RE FEELING CROSS AND BICKERISH

DON'T SIT AND WHINE

THINK OF BANANA SPLITS AND LICORICE

AND YOU'LL FEEL FINE

I KNEW A GIRL SO GLOOMY

SHE'D NEVER LAUGH OR SING...

( laughs )

SHE WOULDN'T LISTEN TO ME

NOW SHE'S A MEAN OLD THING

SO SPREAD SUNSHINE ALL OVER THE PLACE

JUST PUT ON A HAPPY FACE.

( applause )

Man on PA: Your attention, please.

train number 463...

ROSIE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING

CARRYING OUR LUGGAGE WITH NO HELP FROM YOU, ALBERT.

I DON'T SUPPOSE A GENEROUS TIP WOULD HELP

WE'VE GOT TO GET TO THOSE REPORTERS BEFORE THEY GET TO CONRAD.

- WAIT, I CAN'T GO. - WHY NOT

I HAVE TO WAIT FOR MOMMA.

YOU HAVEN'T TOLD HER ABOUT DISSOLVING ALMAELOU YET

I COULDN'T, ROSE.

YESTERDAY WAS THE ANNIVERSARY.

- OF WHAT - LOU.

SIX YEARS AGO, HE WAS HIT ON 181st STREET AND BROADWAY

BY A LOADED BEER TRUCK.

Woman: YOO-HOO!

GEE, YOU SUPPOSE THAT COULD BE MOMMA

- IT'S EITHER HER OR THE ALL CLEAR. - SONNY BOY!

MOMMA! OH!

MOMMA, WHAT'S THE MATTER

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, SONNY BOY.

I'M JUST A LITTLE FAINT FROM THE SUBWAY.

MOMMA, I TOLD YOU TO TAKE A TAXI.

TAXIS. WHAT DO I NEED WITH TAXIS

I'LL LEAVE THE TAXIS FOR MY SUCCESSFUL SON.

A MOTHER CAN RIDE CROWDED IN A DIRTY SUBWAY FULL OF FOREIGN PEOPLE

WHO WOULDN'T GIVE YOU A SEAT IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT.

BUT WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE

NOWADAYS, A MOTHER IS LOWER THAT DIRT ANYWAY.

SO HERE'S THE MONEY THAT I SAVED

FROM NOT TAKING THE TAXI.

BUY SOME CANDY WITH IT.

WHO IS SHE

MOMMA, YOU REMEMBER ROSE ALVAREZ FROM THE OFFICE

THIS IS ROSE ALVAREZ

PRETTY LITTLE ROSE ALVAREZ I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

ROSE, WHAT HAPPENED

YOU HAD A SUDDEN SHOCK OR SOMETHING

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IT'S A WONDER SOME OLDER MAN DOESN'T SNATCH HER OFF.

WHAT A CATCH YOU'D BE FOR A CONVALESCENT.

- GOODBYE, ROSE. - GOODBYE, MAE.

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�����!

MOMMA, WHAT I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT

ACTUALLY INVOLVES ROSE.

( clears throat ) MAYBE YOU SHOULD SIT DOWN, MOMMA.

WHY I KNOW MY SONNY BOY. HE LOVES HIS MOMMA.

HE ISN'T GOING TO SAY ANYTHING THAT'D BREAK HER HEART.

GO AHEAD, DEAR. WHAT ABOUT, UH...

- ROSE. - ROSE

- IT'S ABOUT LOU, TOO. - LOU!

LOU!

WHERE ARE YOU, LOU

STRUCK DOWN BY A BEVERAGE

I CONSUMED FAITHFULLY FOR 32 YEARS.

WHAT ABOUT LOU

WELL, MOMMA...

ROSE FEELS, AND I AGREE,

THAT MAYBE I SHOULD GIVE UP ALMAELOU.

- OH! - WHAT'S THE MATTER, MOMMA

NOTHING IS THE MATTER. YOU KILLED ME, THAT'S ALL.

LOU, I'M COMING! I'M ON MY WAY UP!

MOMMA, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IT'S JUST ROSE-- NEVER MIND.

TAKE THE MONEY AND TAKE A TAXI.

THE SUBWAY IS TOO CROWDED!

NOTHING IS TOO CROWDED FOR A MOTHER.

I'LL GO DURING THE RUSH HOUR. THAT'S THE WORST TIME.

WAIT A MINUTE. HOW MANY BLOCKS IS IT

ONLY 107 I'LL WALK.

ENJOY YOURSELF, SON. TAKE CARE.

WEAR YOUR HEAVY COAT.

BE CAREFUL CROSSING THE STREET.

KEEP YOUR MONEY IN YOUR INSIDE POCKET.

AND, UH, WEAR YOUR RUBBERS.

AND, UH...

EAT A HOT LUNCH.

Girl: HE'S HERE! HE'S HERE!

����� ����� ���!

Man on PA: Your attention, please.

Announcing the departure of train number 314,

express deluxe service

to Scranton, Pittsburgh, Wheeling, Columbus,

with connections to Zanesville,

Sweet Apple and Moundsville,

now departing, track number five.

All aboard!

HOW ABOUT ANSWERING A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS, CONRAD

- SURE. - HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT GOING INTO THE ARMY

HOW DOES HE FEEL YOU ASK HOW HE FEELS.

HE'S MUCH TOO SHY TO TELL YOU,

SO I'LL TELL YOU HOW HE FEELS.

HE FEELS BRAVE AND EAGER

STRANGELY HUMBLE

PROUD TO BE A PLAIN G.I.

HE WOULD GLADLY FACE THOSE BULLETS

FOR HE'S NOT AFRAID TO DIE

FOR HE'S A FINE, UPSTANDING, PATRIOTIC

HEALTHY, NORMAL AMERICAN BOY...

AND THAT'S WHY HE VOLUNTEERED.

VOLUNTEERED I THOUGHT HE WAS DRAFTED.

AND HE APPEALED THREE TIMES!

- SING. - WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, OH YES, WE DO

WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, AND WE'LL BE TRUE

WHEN YOU'RE NOT NEAR US, WE'RE BLUE

OH, CONRAD, WE LOVE YOU...

- VERY NICE. - WHAT'S THE PICTURE ON YOU AND THAT HOLLYWOOD

- ARE YOU TWO ENGAGED - IS HE ENGAGED

IS CONRAD ENGAGED

THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO THE RUMOR HE'S ENGAGED.

SHE'S A REAL PAL, LIKE A SISTER

BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN A THING

AND THAT 18-CARAT DIAMOND

IT WAS JUST A FRIENDSHIP RING

FOR HE'S A FINE, UPSTANDING, PATRIOTIC

HEALTHY, NORMAL AMERICAN BOY...

THEN WHY WAS HER HUSBAND SO MAD

- SING! - WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD

- OKAY, OKAY. - OH YES, WE DO

WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, AND WE'LL BE TRUE...

I'LL NEVER FORGET CONRAD'S FIRST WORDS

WHEN HE HEARD HE'D BEEN ACCEPTED BY THE ARMED FORCES.

"GEE, MR. PETERSON," HE CRIED EAGERLY,

"YOU THINK THEY'LL ASSIGN ME TO ONE OF THOSE TRENCHES

THAT WAY I'M SURE TO GET MY HANDS ON OF THEM DIRTY JERRIES!"

- ALBERT. - OR WHOEVER'S DIRTY THIS TIME.

IS IT TRUE YOU FOUND CONRAD IN A REFORM SCHOOL

Together: THAT IS A LIE, A LIE THROUGH AND THROUGH

I'LL TELL YOU WHERE HE CAME FROM

HERE'S THE STORY, AND IT'S TRUE

HE WAS BORN IN INDOCHINA

HE WAS BORN IN OLD VIRGINNY

- SON OF MISSIONARIES THERE - ON A 1000-ACRE FARM

VERY POOR AND VERY HUNGRY

FROM A LINE OF WEALTHY PLANTERS

- WHAT A CRUEL LIFE TO BEAR - FULL OF GENTEEL SOUTHERN CHARM

THEN HE DRIFTED DOWN TO HONG KONG

- EVERY EVENING BY THE RIVER - TO A WATERFRONT SALOON

IN THE MOONLIGHT THEY WOULD CROON

THAT IS WHERE WE HEARD HIM SINGING

THAT'S WHERE CONRAD STARTED SINGING

'NEATH THAT DIRTY HONG KONG MOON

'NEATH THAT OLD PLANTATION MOON

Girls: WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, OH YES, WE DO...

Albert and Rosie: OH, BEAUTIFUL, FOR SPACIOUS SKIES

FOR AMBER WAVES OF GRAIN

AMERICA, AMERICA...

WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, WE'LL BE TRUE

FOR HE'S A FINE, UPSTANDING, AVERAGE, MODEST

PATRIOTIC, HEALTHY, NORMAL

AMERICAN

AMERICAN BOY.

( screaming and cheering )

( marching band playing )

SHH! SHH!

( music stops )

( panting )

CONRAD BIRDIE, WELCOME TO SWEET APPLE.

BEFORE WE ESCORT YOU TO THE TOWN HALL,

WHERE THE MAYOR HIMSELF IS WAITING,

I WOULD FIRST LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU

TO THE GIRL UPON WHOM YOU HAVE CHOSEN

TO BESTOW YOUR FINAL KISS UPON,

AND WHO WILL NOW LEAD US

IN THE RECITING OF THE CONRAD BIRDIE PLEDGE--

KIM MacAFEE!

( cheering )

I...

KIM MacAFEE,

BEING OF SOUND MIND AND BODY,

DO HEREBY PROMISE

TO BE LOYAL, COURTEOUS, STEADFAST AND TRUE

TO CONRAD BIRDIE

AND THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA,

BOTH INDIVISIBLE,

WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!

( marching band playing )

ROSIE, I'M GOING TO GO WITH CONRAD.

YOU STAY HERE AND WATCH THE BAGS.

I'LL SEND A TAXI AS SOON AS I CAN-- IF I CAN FIND ONE.

Kim: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

( girls giggling )

- OKAY. - OKAY, COME ON.

KIM, BEFORE YOU GO, CAN I TALK TO YOU

RIGHT NOW COULDN'T IT WAIT

- WE'RE IN A HURRY. - I DON'T THINK SO, KIM. IT'S IMPORTANT.

HUGO PEABODY, WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT

THAT YOU HAVE TO TALK TO KIM NOW

WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT!

THE DAY AFTER I GIVE HER MY PIN,

SHE GOES KISSING SOMEONE ELSE!

I WANT YOU TO KNOW I'M QUITE UPSET ABOUT THIS.

I'VE HAD SEVERAL HEADACHES AND A NOSEBLEED.

WHY, YOU'RE ACTUALLY JEALOUS OF CONRAD BIRDIE.

ME JEALOUS

I'M THE OPPOSITE OF JEALOUS.

I'M VERY JEALOUS,

AND I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE!

KIM'S MY STEADY.

THAT'S JUST IT, HUGO. I'M YOUR STEADY.

I MEAN, I MAY ADMIRE CONRAD BIRDIE

AS ONE ADMIRES A FAR DISTANT UNATTAINABLE IDEAL,

BUT I'M PINNED TO YOU, HUGO,

AND I DON'T CARE HOW COMMON AND ORDINARY YOU ARE.

THAT'S HOW I'M GOING TO STAY.

YOU'RE NOT JUST SAYING THAT TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER

OH, HUGO, NO.

I MEAN EVERY WORD OF IT.

CONRAD BIRDIE IS JUST A FLING.

A STEADY IS FOREVER.

ONE BOY, ONE SPECIAL BOY

ONE BOY TO GO WITH, TO TALK WITH AND WALK WITH

ONE BOY

THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE

ONE BOY, ONE CERTAIN BOY

ONE BOY TO LAUGH WITH, TO JOKE WITH, HAVE COKE WITH

ONE BOY

NOT TWO OR THREE

ONE DAY, YOU'LL FIND OUT

THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT

YOU NEED SOMEONE WHO

IS LIVING JUST FOR YOU

ONE BOY, ONE STEADY BOY

ONE BOY TO BE WITH FOREVER AND EVER

ONE BOY

THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE

THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE...

OH, KIM, I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW.

ALL THOUGHTS OF A NOSEBLEED HAVE UTTERLY VANISHED.

YOU WERE SILLY TO WORRY, HUGO.

CONRAD BIRDIE MAY BE A GREAT PUBLIC FIGURE,

BUT HE DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL ALL FAINT AND DIZZY

WHEN I THINK OF HIM.

ONLY MY STEADY DOES THAT.

WHY, EVEN WHEN I SAY HIS NAME, I DON'T FEEL A THING. LISTEN--

CONRAD BIRDIE.

CONRAD BIRDIE.

CONRAD...

BIRDIE.

ONE BOY, ONE STEADY BOY

ONE BOY TO BE WITH FOREVER AND EVER

ONE BOY

THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE

THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE

THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.

OH, ALBERT, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY.

CAN'T SHAKE THAT DREAM OF YOU AND ME

IN SOME LITTLE TOWN

IF YOU'D SHAPE UP

WE'D SETTLE DOWN

LEAVE THE MESS AND THE STRESS OF BIG-CITY LIVING

TRADE THAT GRABBING AND SHOVING

FOR LOVING AND GIVING

I'M TIRED OF YOUR TALKING

I WANT IT NOW

THAT HOUSE AND YARD WITH ONLY BIRDS

BRINGING SONGS AROUND

DON'T BE AFRAID

TO SETTLE DOWN

THAT GREEN STUFF'S GRASS

AND THAT SMELL EVERYWHERE

KNOW WHAT THAT IS

FRESH AIR

THE YEARS ARE GOING BY SO FAST

HEY, IT'S TIME WE FOUND SOME PEACE OF MIND

OUR PIECE OF GROUND

LET'S SETTLE DOWN.

- ( marching band playing ) - ( screaming and cheering )

Woman: NOW BE CAREFUL, GIRLS!

IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEASURE TO PRESENT TO YOU

THIS GENUINE, 14-KARAT SOLID GOLD KEY

SO GENEROUSLY DONATED BY THE MEN

AT THE SWEET APPLE BRASS WORKS.

AS I PRESENT THIS KEY TO YOU, CONRAD BIRDIE--

- ( girl shrieks ) - HE SAID IT!

HE SAID THE NAME!

( screaming )

WHAT HAPPENED ALL I SAID WAS "CONRAD BIRDIE."

( screaming )

IF YOU GIRLS DON'T STOP, I CAN'T FINISH MY SPEECH.

WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR SPEECH

WE WANT TO HEAR FROM CONRAD!

SPEAK TO US, O BEAUTIFUL ONE!

TELL US HOW YOU MAKE THAT WONDROUS SOUND

THAT EVEN NOW, IN ANTICIPATION OF IT,

HAS REDUCED ME TO A SNARLING, RAGING,

PANTING JUNGLE BEAST!

( guitar playing )

YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE...

- OHH... - EDNA, WHAT'S THE MATTER

YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE

YOU GOTTA FEEL IT HERE

'CAUSE IF YOU FEEL IT HERE

WELL, THEN, YOU'RE GONNA BE

HONESTLY

SINCERE

IF WHAT YOU FEEL IS TRUE

REALLY FEEL IT

YOU MAKE THEM FEEL IT, TOO

WRITE THIS DOWN NOW

YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE

HONESTLY SINCERE

MAN, YOU GOTTA BE

SINCERE

IF YOU'RE REALLY SINCERE

IF YOU'RE REALLY SINCERE

IF YOU FEEL IT IN HERE

THEN IT'S GOTTA BE RIGHT, OH, BABY!

OH, HONEY!

HUG ME

SUFFER

IN EVERYTHING I DO

MY SINCERITY SHOWS THROUGH

I LOOK YOU IN THE EYE

DON'T EVEN HAVE TO TRY, IT'S AUTOMATIC

- I'M SINCERE - OH! OH!

WHEN I SING ABOUT A TREE

I REALLY FEEL THAT TREE

WHEN I SING ABOUT A GIRL

OH, I REALLY FEEL THAT GIRL

OH, I MEAN, I REALLY FEEL

SINCERE

IF YOU'RE REALLY SINCERE

IF YOU'RE REALLY SINCERE

IF YOU FEEL IT IN HERE

THEN IT'S GOTTA BE RIGHT

OH, BABY!

OH, HONEY!

HUG ME

SUFFER

YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE, OH, OH

OH, MAN, YOU GOTTA FEEL IT HERE

OH, MY BABY

WHOA, MY BABY

OH, YEAH

OH, MY BABY

WHOA, YEAH

WELL, YOU GONNA BE SINCERE

WELL, YOU GONNA BE SINCERE

YEAH!

WELL, YOU GONNA BE SINCERE

- YOU GONNA BE SINCERE - YEAH!

WELL, YOU GONNA BE SINCERE

YOU GONNA BE SINCERE

YEAH!

OH, MY BABY

OH, YEAH

OH, MY BABY

OH, YEAH

WELL, YOU'RE GONNA BE SINCERE

YEAH, YOU'RE GONNA BE SINCERE

OH, MY BABY

OH, YEAH

OH, MY BABY

OH, YEAH

OH, MY BABY

OH, YEAH

OH, MY BABY...

AAH!

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OHHH

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

OHH...

WHOO!

( car doors shut )

( faint voices approaching )

IT IS SUCH AN HONOR TO HAVE YOU IN OUR HOME, MR. BIRDIE.

CONRAD, LET ME SHOW YOU UP TO YOUR ROOM.

HARRY WILL BE UP WITH YOUR LUGGAGE SHORTLY.

RANDOLPH, TAKE MISS ALVAREZ AND MR. PETERSON'S UP.

WE'D HAVE TO DO A LITTLE PHOTO SHOOT OR SOMETHING HERE.

ED WOULD LOVE THIS. OH, MY GOODNESS.

ALBERT, WHY ARE WE DOING THIS

I MADE RESERVATIONS AT THE HOTEL.

- THE HOTEL IS MILES AWAY. - AND YOU'D HAVE TO PAY.

THAT'S RI-- THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

I THINK WE SHOULD KEEP A CLOSE WATCH ON CONRAD.

WHY KEEP A CLOSE WATCH

YEAH, WE SHOULD STAY HERE.

I'M SURE YOU'D LIKE TO FRESHEN UP.

WHY DON'T YOU GO RIGHT UPSTAIRS

THANK YOU, MRS. MacAFEE, YOU'RE REALLY VERY KIND.

NONSENSE, WE'RE THRILLED TO HAVE YOU STAY WITH US.

MI CASA ES YOUR CASA.

SI.

OH, MRS. MacAFEE

IF MY MOTHER SHOULD CALL, WOULD YOU LET ME KNOW

IS SHE HERE, TOO WE'D LOVE TO HAVE HER STAY WITH US.

I DOUBT SHE'LL BE COMING.

SHE'S NOT IN THE BEST OF HEALTH. ( coughs )

TAKE THEM UPSTAIRS, HARRY.

MR. PETERSON WILL STAY IN THE SPARE ROOM.

MISS ALVAREZ WILL ROOM WITH KIM. ISN'T THAT CUTE

CONRAD BIRDIE IS STAYING IN OUR ROOM.

- WHERE ARE WE STAYING - WITH RANDOLPH.

ISN'T THAT CUTE

( dog barking )

( sighs )

- ( snoring ) - ( sighs )

( muffled ) AAH! OH!

WHAT DO YOU WANT, THE WHOLE BED

ROLL OVER. I CAN'T BREATHE.

THEN STOP ROLLING UNDER ME.

IT FEELS LIKE I'M SLEEPING ON A PEBBLE.

NOT A PEBBLE. YOU MEAN A PEA.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, "A PEA"

A PEA!

GET UP AND GO TO THE BATHROOM, DEAR.

NO, "THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA."

THEY TESTED HER TO SEE IF SHE WAS A REAL PRINCESS.

THEY PUT A TINY PEA UNDER HER MATTRESS

TO SEE IF SHE COULD FEEL IT.

AND SHE DID.

SO I AM A REAL PRINCESS AFTER ALL!

DAD!

( girls singing hoarsely ) WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD

OH YES, WE DO

WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, AND WE'LL BE TRUE

WHEN YOU'RE NOT NEAR US, WE'RE BLUE

OH, CONRAD, WE LOVE YOU.

Helen: I'M TIRED, URSULA.

WE'VE BEEN HERE ALL NIGHT.

WELL, TOO BAD FOR YOU.

WE PROMISED TO SING THE SONG 10,000 TIMES, DIDN'T WE

WE STILL HAVE 5276 TO GO, SO SING!

DORIS, WHERE'S MY PAPER

DIDN'T THEY DELIVER IT THIS MORNING

I GAVE IT TO MR. PETERSON.

HE WAS ANXIOUS TO READ ABOUT CONRAD.

MOTHER, DADDY, COULD YOU PLEASE KEEP YOUR VOICES DOWN

CONRAD MIGHT STILL BE SLEEPING.

I'M SURE HE'S VERY TIRED FROM MOVING HIS HIPS.

DADDY, COULD YOU PLEASE HURRY

I WANT TO HAVE THIS MESS CLEARED BEFORE CONRAD COMES DOWN.

"THIS MESS," KIM, HAPPENS TO BE MY BREAKFAST.

- I INTEND TO ENJOY IT. - MOTHER.

KIM, DEAR, YOUR FATHER HAS A PERFECT RIGHT

TO ENJOY HIS BREAKFAST,

BUT I'M SURE HE WON'T MIND IF WE QUIETLY START

CLEARING SOME OF THESE OTHER THINGS AWAY.

I KNOW IT'S BEEN A HECTIC MORNING, DEAR,

BUT KIM'S GONE TO A LOT OF TROUBLE TO MAKE

A SPECIAL BREAKFAST FOR MR. BIRDIE.

I WANT TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING'S READY AND WAITING

WHEN HE COMES DOWNSTAIRS.

AFTER ALL, HE IS A NATIONAL FIGURE.

I WANT TO SHOW THESE NEW YORK PEOPLE

WE KNOW HOW TO TREAT A NATIONAL FIGURE IN SWEET APPLE.

NOT THAT IT MATTERS MUCH TO ME PERSONALLY, BUT FOR KIM'S SAKE...

THERE, ALL DONE.

DID YOU ENJOY IT, DEAR GOOD.

NOW IF YOU'LL HURRY ALONG, I'LL CLEAR AWAY THESE OTHER THINGS.

DORIS, I AM NOT BUDGING FROM THIS TABLE

TILL I'VE HAD MY COFFEE AND READ MY NEWSPAPER.

I'M SORRY, WE ONLY HAVE ENOUGH COFFEE FOR OUR GUEST.

HOW ABOUT A NICE WARM ROOT BEER

MORNING, PA. HERE'S THE MORNING PAPER.

HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, BUT I CUT OUT A FEW STORIES ABOUT CONRAD.

( sighs )

I HAVE TRIED TO RUN THIS HOUSEHOLD ON A DEMOCRATIC BASIS.

I HAVE EXTENDED THE PRIVILEGE OF SELF-DETERMINATION

TO BOTH THE WOMAN I'VE MARRIED AND THE CHILDREN I HAVE SIRED.

THE VOTE HAS BEEN DENIED NO ONE

FOR REASONS OF AGE, SEX OR POLITICAL AFFILIATION.

THERE'S BEEN NO TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION,

AND OPEN COVENANTS HAVE BEEN OPENLY ARRIVED AT.

LAST NIGHT, I GAVE UP THE LAST PIECE

OF MY FAVORITE PIE-- STRAWBERRY RHUBARB--

TO A GUEST WHO REPEATEDLY REFERRED TO ME AS "FATS."

TELEPHONE CALLS WERE MADE ON MY PHONE

TO NEW YORK, CHICAGO,

FAIRBANKS, ALASKA AND HONG KONG.

ALL NIGHT LONG I LAY AWAKE

WHILE OUTSIDE MY WINDOW THREE HARPIES SHRIEKED,

"WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD,"

4723 TIMES!

I HAVE JUST LOST TWO FRIED EGGS!

GENTLEMEN, THE DEMOCRACY IS OVER!

PARLIAMENT'S BEEN DISSOLVED,

THE MAGNA CARTA IS REVOKED,

AND NERO IS BACK IN TOWN.

OH FOLKS, WOULD YOU MIND STAYING OFF THE PHONE FOR A WHILE

I'M EXPECTING A LONG-DISTANCE CALL FROM NEW YORK.

HE'S COMING! HE'S COMING!

- HE'S COMING! HE'S COMING! - HE'S COMING!

I'LL GET THE EGGS! YOU CALL THE KIDS.

GIRLS, HURRY IF YOU WANT TO WATCH HIM EAT!

( shrieking )

Woman: SORRY, DORIS, WE HAD TO COME TOO.

WE'LL STAND QUIETLY BACK HERE.

HERE HE IS! HERE HE IS! HERE HE IS!

( yawns )

( can hisses )

AHH...

( burps )

- AHH... - AHH!

DON'T CALL ME FOR LUNCH.

HIYA, FATS.

( can hisses )

OHH.

( burps )

NOW LOOK HERE, DORIS--

- HARRY, THE BOY'S JUST SHY. - KIM IS STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL--

DADDY, PLEASE, NOT IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY!

- I DON'T CARE WHO'S HERE. NO ILL MANNERED LOUT-- - TELL 'EM, PA.

- SHUT UP. - YOU HAVE NO RIGHT. THE BOY'S OUR GUEST.

- UNTIL YOU'RE 18-- - BUT DADDY--

- WILL YOU SHUT UP - DADDY!

- WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE! - MR. AND MRS. MacAFEE!

KIM! RANDOLPH!

IS THIS THE WAY YOU WANT 75 MILLION AMERICANS TO SEE YOU

WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT

- YOU'RE ALL GOING TO BE ON TELEVISION WITH CONRAD. - ON TELEVISION

I JUST GOT THE CONFIRMATION CALL FROM ED SULLIVAN HIMSELF!

YOU MEAN, WE'RE GOING TO BE ON THE "SULLIVAN SHOW"

THAT'S RIGHT. THEY'RE GONNA CUT IN TO SWEET APPLE

AT 8:05 THIS SUNDAY EVENING AND YOU'RE ALL GONNA BE ON.

THE ED SULLIVAN "SULLIVAN SHOW"

TO THAT GREAT AUDIENCE OUT THERE,

YOU ARE AN AMERICAN DREAM COME TRUE.

I BEG YOU, MR. MacAFEE, FOR THE SAKE OF THE FREE WORLD,

DON'T DESTROY THAT DREAM.

ME...

ON "THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW"

ED SULLIVAN...

ME, HARRY MacAFEE, APPEARING WITH...

ED SULLIVAN

ED

ED SULLIVAN

ED

ED SULLIVAN

- AHH - ED SULLIVAN

- AHH - ED SULLIVAN

ED

ED

SULL

SULL

ED SULLIVAN

ED SULLIVAN

WE'RE GONNA BE ON "ED SULLIVAN"

HOW COULD ANY FAMILY BE

HALF AS FORTUNATE AS WE

WE'LL BE COAST-TO-COAST

WITH OUR FAVORITE HOST

ED SULLIVAN

ED SULLIVAN

ED SULLIVAN

WE'RE GONNA BE ON "ED SULLIVAN..."

I'VE GOT A WONDERFUL WIFE, TWO SWELL KIDS,

GOOD JOB

AND NOW THIS.

I AM SO VERY HAPPY.

AHH

SOMEDAY WE'LL RECALL

THE GREATEST DAY OF ALL...

ED, I LOVE YOU.

ED SULLIVAN.

THIS IS IT, ALBERT. WHAT DO YOU THINK

ROSE, IT LOOKS GREAT. NOW LISTEN--

IT'S JUST AN OLD VAUDEVILLE THEATER,

BUT I THINK IT'LL BE PERFECT FOR THE "SULLIVAN SHOW."

- WHAT I WANTED-- - THEY'LL SEND CAMERAS AND LIGHTS AND COSTUMES.

WOULD YOU FORGET ABOUT THE "SULLIVAN SHOW"

THERE'S SOMETHING SERIOUS I WANT TO TALK ABOUT. IT INVOLVES YOU AND I.

"YOU AND ME," ENGLISH TEACHER.

ROSE, I'M SERIOUS.

I'M REALLY GLAD THAT YOU AND ME-- YOU AND I--

YOU AND ME, YOU AND I--

ARE OUT HERE AWAY FROM NEW YORK.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW I WROTE MOMMA AND TOLD HER NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,

I'M DEFINITELY GIVING UP ALMAELOU.

OH, ALBERT, YOU DIDN'T.

I WROTE TO HER THE DAY WE LEFT,

AND IT'S BEEN THREE DAYS AND THREE NIGHTS

- AND WE HAVEN'T HEARD A WORD. - OH, ALBERT!

THREE DAYS AND THREE NIGHTS ON A CROWDED BUS.

BUT WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE I'M ONLY A MOTHER,

AND FOR A MOTHER, A BUS IS GOOD ENOUGH.

MOMMA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE

DID YOU THINK I WOULDN'T COME

A WOMAN GETS A LETTER

OBVIOUSLY WRITTEN UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF DRUGS,

AND SHE SHOULD STAY HOME

"DEAR MOM, THIS IS TO LET YOU KNOW ALMAELOU IS DISSOLVED.

YOUR FRIEND, ALBERT."

"ALMAELOU IS DISSOLVED." DISSOLVE ME.

WHO AM I, ANYWAY A SICK OLD WOMAN,

PROBABLY WON'T LAST THE NIGHT.

ALL I WANT IS A SIMPLE STONE WITH ONE WORD--

"ALBERT'S MOTHER."

DON'T HIRE A LIMOUSINE TO TAKE ME TO THE FINAL RESTING PLACE.

I'LL WALK.

TELL THAT LADY FRIEND OF YOURS I FORGIVE HER.

SHE KNOWETH NOT WHAT SHE DONETH.

MOMMA, ROSE IS RIGHT HERE.

THIS IS ROSE

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

SHE LOOKS LIKE MARGO

WHEN THEY TOOK HER OUT OF SHANGRI-LA.

FOR HER OWN SAKE, SEND HER BACK TO TIBET.

AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT A SECRETARY.

I FOUND, ON THE BUS, A PERFECT SECRETARY--

A WONDERFUL, REFINED GIRL ON HER WAY TO AKRON,

BUT I PERSUADED HER TO COME HERE.

SONNY BOY, SAY HELLO...

TO GLORIA RASPUTIN.

YOU ARE SO CUTE!

MOMMA, I DON'T NEED ANOTHER SECRETARY.

I HAVE ROSIE.

OH, BUT I DON'T JUST TYPE.

- YOU DO OTHER THINGS - I TAP DANCE.

I FIGURE I COULD HELP YOU WITH THIS SECRETARY THING,

AND YOU COULD HELP ME BREAK INTO SHOW BUSINESS.

GET A LOAD OF THIS, AL. MAE, CAN YOU HUM "SWANEE RIVER"

MY FAVORITE SELECTION.

HIT IT!

( vocalizing "Swanee River" ) YEAH!

( vocalizing continuing )

THAT'S HER FAVORITE PART.

"BRAVE-O," "BRAVE-O."

SO DO I GET THE JOB

YOU CERTAINLY HAVE SOME WONDERFUL QUALIFICATIONS.

I AM USED TO WORKING WITH MISS ALVAREZ HERE.

DO YOU HAVE TO STAY DOWN THERE LIKE THAT

ONLY FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES.

MAE, COULD YOU GIVE ME A LITTLE HELPING HAND

AL, IF YOU COULD GRAB THE OTHER ONE. EASY DOES IT!

SONNY, FOR THE MOVIES, THEY COULD ALWAYS CUT AWAY WHILE THEY JACK HER UP.

SONNY BOY, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE GLORIA SOMEWHERE

AND SEE HOW FAST SHE TYPES

WE DO HAVE ALL THOSE RELEASES TO GET OUT.

I'M SURE THAT GLORIA COULD HELP OUT WITH THOSE.

THAT IS--

THAT IS IF IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE TO YOU, UH...

- ROSE. - ROSE.

WHY SHOULD IT MAKE AND DIFFERENCE TO ME, UH, ALBERT

I'LL GO SEE IF I CAN FIND YOU A TYPEWRITER.

DO YOU USE THE...

TOUCH SYSTEM

WHENEVER POSSIBLE.

TYPE SOME RELEASES, ROSE.

MISS ALVAREZ

IT'S HUGO PEABODY. CAN I SPEAK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE

I'M LOOKING FOR KIM MacAFEE.

I WANT TO TELL HER SHE'S NOT TO KISS CONRAD BIRDIE

ON THAT "ED SULLIVAN SHOW."

IF SHE DOES, I THINK I HAVE TO--

MISS ALVAREZ, IS ANYTHING WRONG

MISS ALVAREZ,

CAN I-- CAN I DO ANYTHING FOR YOU

YES, HUGO, I THINK YOU CAN.

( bell ringing )

Sullivan: Now as you know,

in just about 14 hours,

one of show business' brightest talents

is going off to play a very special engagement.

Tonight, before he goes,

he wants to leave a certain lucky young lady

with one last kiss.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we take you to Sweet Apple, Ohio,

where a typical American family--

Mr. and Mrs. Harry MacAfee

and their children Randolph and Kim--

- WHERE'S ED - ...are gathered to bid farewell

to a typical American soldier--

Conrad Birdie.

( cheering )

( music playing )

- WHERE'S ED - OH, ONE LAST KISS

OH, GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS

IT NEVER FELT LIKE THIS, NO, NEVER FELT LIKE THIS

YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE, OH, OH, OH

GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS

OH, ONE MORE TIME, OH, BABY, ONE MORE TIME

IT REALLY IS SUBLIME

AW, HONEY, SO SUBLIME

YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE, OH, OH, OH

GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS

( snapping )

BAAA-BY

GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS

BAAA-BY

GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS

ONE LAST KISS, OH, GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS

IT NEVER FELT LIKE THIS, NO, NEVER FELT LIKE THIS

YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE, OH, OH, OH

GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS

TURN BACK HISTORY'S PAGES

GO BACK THROUGH THE AGES

SEE HOW BRAVE SOLDIER BOYS OF YORE

SAID GOODBYE WHEN THEY WENT OFF TO WAR

- WENT OFF TO WAR - WENT OFF TO WAR

( laughing, cheering )

OH, ONE LAST KISS, OH, GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS

IT NEVER FELT LIKE THIS, NO, IT NEVER FELT LIKE THIS

YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE, OH, OH, OH

GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS

OH, ONE MORE TIME, OH, BABY, ONE MORE TIME

IT REALLY IS SUBLIME, AW, HONEY, SO SUBLIME

YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE, OH, OH, OH

GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS

BAAA-BY

GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS

BAAA-BY

GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS

OH, ONE LAST KISS, OH, GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS

IT NEVER FELT LIKE THIS, NO, IT NEVER FELT LIKE THIS

YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE, OH, OH, OH

OH, GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS, ONE LAST KISS

ONE LAST KISS

OH, GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS

ONE LAST KISS, ONE LAST KISS

OH, GIVE ME ONE LAST...

BRACE YOURSELF, CHICK.

BRACE YOURSELF, CONRAD BIRDIE!

HUGO, YOU HIT HIM!

HE DESERVED IT! HE WAS A THIEF OF LOVE!

HUGO F. PEABODY, I DON'T EVER WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN!

KIM!

I DEMAND TO KNOW WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS!

- WHO LET THAT KID IN HERE - I DID, ALBERT.

IT'S SORT OF A FAREWELL PRESENT TO YOU AND MISS RASPUTIN.

- WEAR IT IN GOOD HEALTH! - ROSIE, YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME ALONE.

OH, YOU'RE NOT ALONE, ALBERT.

YOU'RE ON TELEVISION.

( weakly ) FOR HE'S A FINE, UPSTANDING

PATRIOTIC

HEALTHY, NORMAL AMERICAN BOY

FOR HE'S A FINE, UPSTANDING, PATRIOTIC

HEALTHY, NORMAL AMERICAN BOY.

EIGHT YEARS, EIGHT YEARS

THAT'S HOW LONG I WASTED ON HIM

THAT'S ALL, I'M THROUGH

ALBERT, DEAR, TO PUT IT SWEETLY

TO HELL WITH YOU!

THAT'S RIGHT, ALBERT. TO HELL WITH YOU.

FROM NOW ON, IT'S GOING TO BE ME,

ROSIE, ON THE TOWN,

DANCING AND SINGING AND HAVING A BALL,

TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR EIGHT YEARS

OF BEING IN LOVE WITH A MOMMA-CLUTCHING,

ASPIRIN-SPLITTING TOWER OF... APPLESAUCE!

WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM

HOW COULD I EVER GET INVOLVED THAT WAY

NOW THAT IT'S OVER, I CAN SMILE AND SAY

WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM

BOY, I WAS WAY OUT ON A LIMB

NOW THAT MY FEET ARE ON THE GROUND AGAIN

NOW THAT MY SENSES HAVE BEEN FOUND AGAIN

WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM

IS HE TENDER NO, HE'S NOT

IS HE THOUGHTFUL NO, HE'S NOT

AM I CRAZY WHAT'S HE GOT

THAT I FOUND SO DAMN APPEALING

WHAT DID HE EVER DO FOR ME

WELL, TO BE HONEST, HE WAS SOMETIMES NICE

BUT STILL IT WASN'T WORTH THE AWFUL PRICE

IT WAS ROUGH FROM THE START

BROKEN DATES, BROKEN NAILS, BROKEN HEART

HOW DID I EVER, WHY DID I EVER

WHAT DID I EVER...

MISS ALVAREZ, DON'T BE SO UPSET.

ALL MEN CAN'T BE LIKE THAT.

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM,

EXCEPT FOR MAYBE ALBERT SCHWEITZER,

AND I'M NOT HIS TYPE.

OH, THEY'RE ALL THE SAME FROM PUBERTY TO SENILITY,

FROM BENEDICT ARNOLD TO MUSSOLINI.

I NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHY INGRID BERGMAN

MARRIED HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE.

EGOTISTICAL, SELFISH HUMAN BEASTS!

WHAT ARE WE POOR WOMEN TO DO, MISS ALVAREZ

USE THEM. YES, USE THEM.

LET THEM BE OUR PLAYTHINGS

WHILE WE LIVE,

SIP FROM THE CUP OF LIFE.

MIX THAT POTION FULL AND STRONG,

AND DRAIN IT TO THE DREGS!

HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, MR. PETERSON

DO WE NEED THEM NO, WE DON'T

DO WE WANT THEM NO, WE DON'T

- WILL WE LEAVE THEM - NO, WE WON'T

TELL ME, WHAT DID I SAY THAT FOR

WHAT DID WE EVER SEE IN THEM

HOW COULD WE EVER THINK THAT THEY WERE NICE

TAKE IT FROM US, WE'VE PAID AN AWFUL PRICE

IT WAS ROUGH FROM THE START

BROKEN DATES, BROKEN NAILS, BROKEN HEART

WHAT DID WE EVER SEE IN...

HUGO F. PEABODY!

HUGO! WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM!

WHY, HE'S AS BAD AS MR. PETERSON, IF NOT WORSE!

MISS ALVAREZ, I'M COMING WITH YOU.

NOW, KIM, WHY DON'T YOU JUST STAY HOME

AND HAVE SOME MILK AND COOKIES

MILK AND COOKIES

MISS ALVAREZ, IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT.

I WANT TO LIVE.

A-HA, THERE SHE IS.

THE TRAITOR WHO STABBED ME IN THE HEART

THE MINUTE MY BACK WAS TURNED!

STAY OUT OF MY WAY, ALBERT.

CAREFUL, SONNY. SHE MAY BE ARMED.

DON'T WORRY, MOMMA. I CAN HANDLE HER.

TAKE CONRAD UPSTAIRS AND MAKE SURE HE GETS INTO BED.

FOR THE LAST TIME, ALBERT, STAY OUT OF MY WAY.

I'M GOING OUT ON THE TOWN TONIGHT.

I DON'T WANT TO WASTE ANOTHER MINUTE.

NOT UNTIL I'VE HAD MY SAY, ROSE.

THANKS TO MOMMA'S QUICK THINKING,

THE KISS WILL TAKE PLACE AFTER ALL--

TOMORROW MORNING AT THE TRAIN STATION

JUST BEFORE CONRAD LEAVES.

AND SO YOU HAVE FAILED, MISS ROSE ALVAREZ,

AS ANYONE MUST FAIL

WHO TRIES TO BUCK AL PETERSON--

ONE OF THE GIANTS, ONE OF THE TITANS,

ONE OF THE KING KONGS OF THE MUSIC INDUSTRY!

( laughs ) ROSIE

ROSE

ROSE

( laughs )

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING, YOUNG LADY

OUT WITH ROSIE, TO DRAIN DEEP THE DREGS

AND SIP FULL HEARTY THE BRIMMING CUP.

TO LIVE.

UPSTAIRS.

- BUT DADDY! - YOU HEARD ME, I SAID UPSTAIRS.

ROSIE WAS RIGHT-- YOU'RE ALL THE SAME,

FROM PUBERTY TO MUSSOLINI!

WHAT'S THAT YOU DARE SAY PUBERTY

IN FRONT OF YOUR OWN FATHER

NOT TO MENTION MUSSOLINI.

OH, DORIS.

WE HAVE FAILED AS PARENTS.

( sighs ) I NEVER ASKED FOR MUCH FROM MY CHILDREN,

JUST RESPECT-- A LITTLE RESPECT.

THAT'S ALL I ASK FOR-- RESPECT.

BUT DID I GET RESPECT

I DID NOT GET RESPECT. I GOT NO RESPECT.

I RESPECT YOU, PA.

I DON'T WANT YOUR RESPECT. YOU'RE A CHILD.

WHAT GOOD IS RESPECT FROM A CHILD

DORIS, I THINK YOU'D BETTER TAKE ME UPSTAIRS.

I'M NOT A WELL MAN.

CERTAIN WORDS I NEVER WANTED TO HEAR IN THIS HOUSE.

PUBERTY WAS ONE OF 'EM.

MUSSOLINI'S ANOTHER.

DREGS WOULD BE THE THIRD.

EIGHT YEARS, HUH, EIGHT YEARS

THAT'S HOW LONG I PUT UP WITH HER

WELL, THAT'S IT

FINIS

FROM NOW ON, I'M CARING ONLY

FOR ALBERT P...

WHEN I FOUND HER, SHE WAS JUST A SKINNY KID FROM PITTSBURGH, P.A.

DIDN'T EVER HEAR OF SMOKED SALMON,

AND NOW IT'S HER FAVORITE FOOD.

I TAUGHT HER EVERYTHING SHE KNOWS. TYPING, FILING, SHOPPING--

EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING! THIS IS THE GRATITUDE I GET!

WELL, MOMMA WAS RIGHT!

WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HER

WHY DID I EVER LET HER IN MY LIFE

SHE HAD THE GALL TO WANT TO BE MY WIFE

WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HER

( gurgling )

WHY DID I BUY HER JEWELS AND FURS

SO WHAT IF THEY WERE FAKE THEY STILL LOOK REAL

BELIEVE ME, I'LL SURVIVE THIS, NO BIG DEAL

WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HER

FEELS SHE'S CLEVER, DO I CARE

SWEET, EFFICIENT, DO I CARE

SO SHE'S GORGEOUS, DO I CARE

NO, I'LL BE JUST FINE WITHOUT HER

ME, I DON'T NEED A GIRL, NO, SIR

FROM THIS DAY FORTH, I'M ON A SINGLE TRACK

I'LL MERELY LAUGH IF SHE COMES CRAWLING BACK...

HA, HA, HA! AND I'LL SAY, "SORRY, ROSE

IT'S BEEN FUN, BUT IT'S DONE, ADIOS"

HOW DID I EVER, WHY DID I EVER

WHAT DID I EVER...

OOH, I DON'T LOOK WELL. I'M ALL PALE.

OOH, I DON'T FEEL SO WELL, EITHER.

MY STOMACH MUST BE UPSET.

( groans ) MY TONGUE'S ALL COATED.

MY EYES LOOK PUFFY AND I FEEL KIND OF BLOATED.

WAIT A MINUTE.

COATED, BLOATED...

- ( snaps ) - THAT RHYMES.

SO YOU SEE, MISS ROSE ALVAREZ,

YOU HAVE FAILED TO SHAKE MY CONFIDENCE

OR DESTROY MY GIFT.

AM I NERVOUS NO, I'M NOT

THOUGH MY SPELLING'S NOT SO HOT

WHAT'S SO SPECIAL WHAT'S SHE GOT

BESIDES LOOKS AND BRAINS AND TALENT

SHE WASN'T REALLY RIGHT FOR ME...

OH, YOU WERE RIGHT, MOMMA. YOU WERE RIGHT.

OUR MARRIAGE WOULDN'T HAVE WORKED OUT AT ALL

LET'S FACE IT, SHE'S ABOUT AN INCH TOO TALL

WHAT DID I EVER SEE

IN HER

ARE YOU HAVING TROUBLE SLEEPING, DARLING

OF COURSE.

YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU A STORY

NO.

HOW 'BOUT A LITTLE LULLABY

( sarcastically ) OH, PLEASE.

WYNKEN AND BLYNKEN AND NOD.

MOMMA, PLEASE DON'T SING.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL JUST HUM.

( humming )

I CAN'T SLEEP, MOMMA.

YOU WANNA COME DOWN AND LET ME RUB YOUR BACK

- PLEASE GO TO SLEEP. - MAYBE YOU WANT ME UP THERE AND RUB YOUR BACK.

GOOD NIGHT, MOMMA.

GOOD NIGHT, SONNY BOY.

( telephone ringing )

( ringing continuing )

YES

YES, THIS IS HIM-- HE-- HIM.

OH, HELLO, ED.

WELL, THAT IS VERY NICE OF YOU TO CALL.

WHAT OH, WELL, THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT, ED--

YOU KNOW, LIKE AN ACT OF GOD.

YES, I HEARD YOU. YOU'RE UPSET.

THE NETWORK'S UPSET. THE WHOLE COUNTRY'S UPSET.

WELL, UH... WELL, WELL, WELL...

I'M VERY SORRY, ED-- M-MR. SULLIVAN, SIR.

UH...

ROSIE, I NEED YOU.

SONNY BOY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING

I'M GOING OUT TO FIND ROSIE.

WHY

BECAUSE I LOVE HER AND I WANT HER BACK.

OH, IS THAT ALL

I THOUGHT IT WAS SOMETHING SERIOUS.

BY ALL MEANS, SONNY BOY,

FIND HER AND BRING HER BACK HERE.

BY THE WAY, DEAR, WHEN YOU GET BACK,

BE SURE TO STOP IN THE KITCHEN,

TAKE MY HEAD OUT OF THE OVEN,

AND TURN OFF THE GAS.

ONLY BEFORE YOU DO,

I BETTER GIVE YOU THE MESSAGE FROM CONRAD FIRST.

- WHAT MESSAGE - NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, DARLING.

HE JUST SAYS HE'S GOING OUT TONIGHT,

AND HE DOESN'T THINK HE'LL BE BACK IN TIME TO KISS KIM TOMORROW.

WHAT! MOMMA, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME BEFORE

I TRIED TO, DARLING, BUT YOU KEPT BRINGING UP

A CERTAIN PARTY FROM SOUTH OF THE BORDER.

CONRAD! CONRAD, COME DOWNSTAIRS RIGHT NOW!

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH HIM

HE KNOWS HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS.

MOMMA! MOMMA!

IT'S ELECTRIC! IT'S ELECTRIC.

JUST TAKE IT EASY. I'M COMING.

BEFORE YOU START TO HOLLER AT ME,

I WANT YOU TO KNOW I'VE MADE UP MY MIND.

I'M TIRED OF WAKING UP EVERY MORNING AT 9:00,

HAVING PEOPLE WATCH ME WHEN I EAT,

AND LETTING THAT KID GO POKING ME IN THE EYE.

I WANT TO GO OUT, I WANT TO HAVE SOME FUN,

I WANT TO FIND A COUPLE OF YOUNG CHICKS.

DON'T YOU GET IT, ALBERT

I AM TENSE.

MOMMA, DON'T JUST STAND THERE, DO SOMETHING.

CONRAD...

DID YOU EVER THINK IN TERMS OF A...

MORE MATURE WOMAN

Albert: MOMMA!

YOU CANNOT GO OUT WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.

IT'S IN YOUR CONTRACT. STAY THERE.

I'M SORRY, BUDDY, THIS IS MY LAST FREE NIGHT BEFORE I GO INTO THE ARMY.

I'M GOING OUT.

AH...

THERE ARE CHICKS

JUST RIPE FOR SOME KISSIN'

AND I MEAN TO KISS ME A FEW

MAN, THOSE CHICKS

DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE MISSIN'

I GOT A LOT OF LIVIN' TO DO

SIZZLIN' STEAKS

ALL READY FOR TASTIN'

AND THERE'S CADILLACS ALL SHINY AND NEW

GOTTA MOVE

'CAUSE TIME IS A-WASTIN'

THERE'S SUCH A LOT OF LIVIN' TO DO

THERE ARE MEN

OF 19 OR 20

WHO ARE SUAVE

AND RECKLESS AND TRUE

OLDER MEN

WHO'LL GIVE A GIRL PLENTY

I'VE GOT A LOT OF LIVIN' TO DO

THERE'S MUSIC TO PLAY, PLACES TO GO

PEOPLE TO SEE

EVERYTHING FOR YOU AND ME...

HEY! HEY!

HEY, YOU KIDS LIVE AROUND HERE NOW, DON'T YOU

YES, MR. BIRDIE!

WHAT'S THE LOW-DOWN ON THIS TOWN

WHERE DO YOU GO TO HAVE A BALL

WELL, THERE'S THE CHURCH BASEMENT

AND THE SWEET SHOP.

- THE OLDER KIDS GO TO THE ICEHOUSE. - YEAH WHY

- WHAT'S THERE - IT HAPPENS, MR. BIRDIE,

THE ICEHOUSE IS WHERE THEY GO

WHEN THEY WANT TO BE ALONE.

HEY, YOU'RE THAT CHICK I WAS SUPPOSED TO KISS.

I AM NOT A CHICK. I'M A FULLY GROWN WOMAN,

AND I INSIST ON BEING TREATED AS SUCH.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, THAT'S WHY I'M LEAVING HOME.

NOW YOU'RE TALKING! COME ON, LET'S MOVE. WE GOT THINGS TO DO.

CRAZY CLOTHES

AND MOTORBOAT RACES

SOMEONE NICE

TO CUDDLE UP TO

BROADWAY LIGHTS

AND WIDE-OPEN SPACES

THERE'S SUCH A LOT OF LIVIN' TO DO

LOTS OF DATES

- AND NO ONE TO SCOLD YOU - Girl: OH YEAH!

LOOP-THE-LOOP

AND LAUGH AT THE VIEW

MOONLIGHT SWIMS

AND SOMEONE TO HOLD YOU

YEAH, WE'VE GOT A LOT OF LIVIN' TO DO

THERE'S MUSIC TO PLAY, PLACES TO GO

PEOPLE TO SEE

EVERYTHING...

- YEAH! - OH!

( police radio chatter )

SHH.

( softly ) LIFE'S A BALL

IF ONLY YOU KNOW IT

AND IT'S ALL

JUST WAITING FOR YOU

( louder ) YOU'RE ALIVE

SO COME ON AND SHOW IT...

- YEAH! - WE'VE GOT A LOT OF LIVIN'

SUCH A LOT OF LIVIN'

WHAT A LOT OF LIVIN' TO

DO.

- KIM! - KIM

- KIM! - KIM!

KIM, WHERE ARE YOU

( bicycle bell rings )

HUGO, HAVE YOU SEEN KIM

DON'T ASK ME.

- ASK CONRAD BIRDIE. - WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT

THEY'RE OUT HAVING MOONLIGHT SWIMS

AND MOTORBOAT RACES AND LOOP-THE-LOOP.

MOONLIGHT SWIMS

MOTORBOAT RACES

AREN'T YOU GOING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!

I'M GOING TO DO THE SENSIBLE THING

AND DRINK MYSELF TO DEATH.

"LOOP-THE-LOOP," DORIS. GET MY GUN.

HARRY, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU DON'T OWN A GUN.

WHERE'S THAT DAISY AIR RIFLE

- DAD, IT'S MINE. - YOU SHUT UP!

WHERE CAN I BUY BBs THIS TIME OF NIGHT

HERE'S THE DAISY AIR RIFLE.

I THINK IT'S BROKEN.

THE BOW AND ARROW SET WITH THE SUCTION TIPS

I BOUGHT YOU LAST CHRISTMAS

DON'T JUST STAND THERE!

YOUR SISTER'S RUN OFF TO LOOP-THE-LOOP WITH A FIEND!

GET ME A WATER GUN!

( sighs ) KIDS

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY

KIDS! WHO CAN UNDERSTAND ANYTHING THEY SAY

KIDS! THEY ARE DISOBEDIENT

DISRESPECTFUL OAFS

NOISY, CRAZY, SLOPPY, LAZY LOAFERS

AND WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT

KIDS! YOU CAN TALK AND TALK TILL YOUR FACE IS BLUE

KIDS! BUT THEY STILL DO JUST WHAT THEY WANT TO DO

WHY CAN'T THEY BE LIKE WE WERE

PERFECT IN EVERY WAY

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KIDS TODAY

KIDS!

I DON'T MIND THE MOONLIGHT SWIMS.

IT'S THE LOOP-THE-LOOP THAT HURTS. KIDS!

WHY DON'T THEY LOWER THAT DRAFT AGE TO ABOUT 11

KIDS!

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT PUBERTY WAS TILL I WAS ALMOST PAST IT.

LAUGHING, SINGING, DANCING, GRINNING MORONS

AND WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT

KIDS! THEY ARE JUST IMPOSSIBLE TO CONTROL

KIDS! WITH THEIR AWFUL CLOTHES AND THEIR ROCK AND ROLL

WHY CAN'T THEY DANCE LIKE WE DID

IN A ROMANTIC WAY.

HEY, PA. I GOT A PEASHOOTER.

NOW, WHAT GOOD IS-- GIVE ME THIS THING.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KIDS TODAY

WHAT TIME DOES THE MEETING START

SOON AS HE CLOSES UP.

( clears throat )

- YEAH - GIVE ME A DOUBLE SCOTCH ON THE ROCKS--

- HEAVY ON THE ROCKS. - HOW OLD ARE YOU

- 32. - GET OUTTA HERE!

- WHAT ABOUT A BEER - I SAID,

"GET OUTTA HERE."

LET ME SIT HERE WITH AN EMPTY GLASS.

I WON'T MAKE ANY NOISE.

COULD I HAVE SOME WATER

I'M THROWING YOU OUT THE BACK DOOR, YOU KNOW WHY

- WHY - 'CAUSE YOU'RE A MINOR.

OKAY, BUT THAT'S THE LAST TIME

I DO MY DRINKING IN THIS PLACE!

AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL YOU'RE 32.

DOUBLE BOURBON!

SCOTCH ON THE SIDE.

GOT YOU, YEAH.

AND PUT A CHERRY IN IT.

A CHERRY

MAKE THAT TWO CHERRIES,

AND BRING ON THE DANCING BOYS.

ALVAREZ IS THE NAME. CALL ME SPANISH ROSE.

OH, CUANTO LA GUSTA, LA GUSTA, LA GUSTA

LA GUSTA, LA GUSTA, YAY...

- WOULD YOU HOLD IT DOWN, PLEASE - WAIT A MINUTE,

I HAVE A RIGHT TO HAVE A DRINK HERE IF I CHOOSE,

AND GET AS LOUD AS I WANT IF I CHOOSE!

THIS IS SPANISH ROSE'S COMING-OUT PARTY.

WHEN I SAY "COMING OUT," I MEAN COMING OUT!

LOOK, IF THERE'S A MAN INVOLVED,

IT'S NOT WORTH IT.

TROUBLE IS, HE'S NOT A MAN,

HE'S A MOMMA'S BOY.

OH, THAT'S BAD.

AND HIS MOMMA HATES ME.

MOMMA'S BOYS' MOMMAS ALWAYS DO. WHAT'S THE PROBLEM

I'M JUST A SPANISH TAMALE, SHE LOVES TO SAY

RIGHT OFF THE BOAT FROM THE TROPICS, FAR, FAR AWAY...

WHICH IS KIND OF FUNNY,

SINCE I COME FROM ROMANTIC, EXOTIC

PITTSBURGH, P.A...

OH, SHE THINKS I'M SPANISH

I COULD SHOW HER SPANISH--

IF I EVER MARRY THAT MOUSE.

I'LL COOK THE TACO AND THE ENCHILADA

AND DAY AND NIGHT MY CASTANETS WILL CLICK

THE ONLY SONG I'LL SING WILL BE "GRANADA"

I'LL BE SO SPANISH, IT WILL MAKE HER SICK

SHE'LL VISIT IN OUR COZY HACIENDA

MY RED-HOT CHILI, IT WILL MAKE HER CRY

THE DAIQUIRIS WILL POUR OUT OF MY BLENDER

AND THEN WE DANCE FLAMENCO, AY-YI-YI

WATCH OUT FOR THE WILD SPANISH ROSE

THE WICKEDEST FLOWER THAT GROWS

HER SKIRT, SHE IS SPLIT, HER HIPS NEVER QUIT

THAT SPITFIRE SPANISH ROSE

- HEY, MRS. P., BE MY MAMACITA... - ( kissing )

A REAL LATINA DAUGHTER I WILL BE

TOGETHER WE WILL SHOP AT THE BODEGA

THEN WATCH THE SPANISH CHANNEL ON TV...

HOLA.

AND THEN BEFORE LONG, I SUPPOSE

YOU'LL HELP US PICK OUT BABY CLOTHES

FOR JUAN AND ENRIQUE, ROSA, ANITA

JOSE AND CARMEN, JESUS, CONSUELO

MOMMA, YOU CAN BET YOUR BOTTOM PESO

SOMEDAY I MAKE HIM ONE TERRIFIC WIFE

IT GIVES ME MUCHO HAPPINESS TO SAY SO

WITH ME, YOUR SONNY BOY COULD HAVE A LIFE

SO, BOYS, NOW YOU'VE MET SPANISH ROSE

THE WICKEDEST FLOWER THAT GROWS

I'M WILD, AND I'M FREE, I'M WHAT I MUST BE

DON'T WORRY 'BOUT ME

SPANISH ROSE.

( telephone rings )

- HELLO. - YES,

THIS IS ALBERT J. PETERSON SPEAKING.

IS ROSE ALVAREZ THERE

- WHO - CUANTO, CUANTO LA GUSTA.

I THINK I HEAR HER. COULD YOU PUT HER ON THE PHONE

CUANTO, CUANTO LA GUSTA, LA GUSTA.

SOME GUY NAMED PETERSON WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.

TELL THAT WEASELY LITTLE RAT I'M NOT HERE.

THAT PROVES IT'S HER. WHO ELSE WOULD KNOW I'M A WEASELY LITTLE RAT

- WHAT - ROSE, I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT CONRAD.

EVEN IF I WERE THIS "ROSE," WHICH I AM NOT,

THE ONE THING THAT WOULD MAKE ME HANG UP

IS ANY MENTION OF ANYONE NAMED CONRAD!

NO, ROSE, ROSE! PLEASE DON'T HANG UP. PLEASE DON'T HANG UP.

I WON'T MENTION CONRAD.

We can talk about anything--

you and me.

YOU AND I.

ANYTHING.

OH, ROSIE, PLEASE...

TALK TO ME, BABY

WON'T YOU TALK TO ME

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY

BABY, TALK TO ME

Must you be

Oh, so far away from me

IT SEEMS ALL WRONG THIS WAY

TALK TO ME

- AND IF YOU MISS ME - Mmm

Tell me so

- Are you lonely - Mmm

TELL ME SO

SAY YOU LOVE ME

TELL ME SO

HONEY

Honey

Let me know

Mmm

TALK TO ME

TILL I PRESS YOU CLOSE TO ME

THEN YOU'LL SEE

WE WON'T HAVE TO TALK AT ALL

Must you be

Oh, so far away from me, baby

- I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY - Oh, baby, talk

TALK TO ME

Go on, what can you lose It ain't gonna hurt

- AND IF YOU MISS ME - Tell him so

ARE YOU LONELY

Baby, baby, tell him so

SAY YOU LOVE ME

TELL ME SO

Honey, honey

LET ME KNOW, TALK TO ME

TILL I PRESS YOU CLOSE TO ME

THEN YOU'LL SEE

WE WON'T HAVE TO TALK AT ALL

Till I press you close to me

Then you'll see

WE WON'T HAVE TO TALK...

Ahh

Ahh

AT ALL

Talk to me

Talk to me

Talk to me

Talk to me

All: HMMMMM.

ROSE, ARE YOU ALONE

NO, I'M NOT ALONE, ALBERT.

I'M WITH FRIENDS. THANK YOU.

SEE YOU LATER, BOYS.

"SEE YOU LATER, BOYS"

AND THAT'S ONLY THE BEGINNING, ALBERT.

FROM NOW ON, THE SKY'S THE LIMIT.

PARTIES, BALLS, DANCES...

OH, CUANTO, CUANTO LA GUSTA.

- ROSIE RO-- - ( clicking )

ROSIE ROSE!

- HEY, WHAT GOES ON IN THERE - THAT'S A PRIVATE ROOM.

- PRIVATE FOR WHOM - FOR MEN ONLY, THAT'S FOR WHOM.

LISTEN, LADY, FINISH UP YOUR DRINK NOW, OKAY

I'M TRYING TO CLOSE UP.

MEN ONLY, HUH

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR.

Bartender: GENTLEMEN, BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME,

I DO HEREBY DECLARE THIS WEEKLY MEETING

OF THE MYSTIC ORDER OF THE EAST

IN SESSION.

FIRST I'D LIKE TO REMIND YOU

ABOUT OUR ANNUAL WEENIE ROAST ON AUGUST 4th,

AND TO THANK DRUCKER'S MEAT MARKET

FOR DONATING THE WEENIES.

NOW I'D LIKE TO BRING UP A SUBJECT

THAT I'M SURE IS ON EVERYBODY'S MIND TONIGHT.

IT'S A SUBJECT THAT'S DIFFICULT TO EXPRESS--

( Middle-Eastern music playing )

( growls )

( music fades out )

( music continues )

( groans, screams )

( shouting, screaming )

( screaming )

HEY!

HEY!

HEY!

HEY!

HEY!

HIYA!

HA!

HEY!

HEY!

WHEN I SING ABOUT A TREE

I REALLY FEEL THAT TREE

WHEN I SING ABOUT A GIRL, I REALLY FEEL THAT GIRL

I MEAN, I REALLY FEEL SINCERE.

( men shouting )

- SORRY. - OH, THANKS.

HUGO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE

MY WHOLE WORLD IS COLLAPSING BEFORE ME.

KIM HAS RUN OFF WITH CONRAD BIRDIE.

( gasps ) WHERE'D THEY GO

MY GREATEST FEAR IS THEY'VE GONE TO THE ICEHOUSE.

WELL, LET'S GO.

RIGHT, HOP ON.

I DON'T KNOW WHY WE HAVE TO RUN AROUND LOOKING FOR SOMEONE

IT WOULD BE BETTER NOT TO FIND.

LISTEN TO ME, SONNY BOY, COME HOME, HAVE A CUP OF POSTUM

AND GO TO BED.

I TOLD YOU I'M NOT COMING HOME UNTIL I FIND ROSIE.

IF YOU WANT TO GO BACK HOME, IT'S FINE.

IT'S NOT A BAD IDEA. WHY DON'T YOU GO HOME, MOMMA

WHAT DID YOU SAY, DARLING SWEETHEART

I SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GO HOME, MOMMA"

WOULD YOU MIND REPEATING THAT ONCE MORE, SUNSHINE OF MY EXISTENCE

I SAID, "GO HOME, MOMMA."

I DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE.

SO IT'S COME AT LAST.

AT LAST, IT'S COME.

THE DAY I KNEW WOULD COME AT LAST HAS COME AT LAST.

MY SONNY BOY DOESN'T NEED ME ANY LONGER.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR

GET RID OF ME.

PUT ME OUT WITH THE GARBAGE.

JUST THROW ME OUT WITH THE USED GRAPEFRUITS

AND THE EMPTY CANS FROM THE TUNA FISH.

AND NEVER MIND PUTTING THE LID ON--

LEAVE IT OFF

SO A 100,000 PUSSYCATS

CAN WALK ALL OVER A MOTHER!

WHO BRONZED YOUR BABY SHOES,

KISSED EVERY LITTLE BRUISE

PICKED YOUR DIRTY SOCKS UP OFF THE FLOOR

YOU COUGHED AND WHO WAS THERE

IT'S JUST TOO HARD TO BEAR

A MOTHER DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE

WITH BUNIONS ON MY FEET

I TRUDGED THROUGH SNOW AND SLEET

TO BRING YOU LICORICE FROM THE CORNER STORE

I SOLD MY TIFFANY LAMP

SO YOU COULD GO TO CAMP

MOMMA.

NOW A MOTHER DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE...

THAT'S IT. I'M READY TO GO.

AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO SPEND A CENT.

FANCY FUNERALS ARE FOR RICH PEOPLE.

JUST WRAP ME IN A FLAG

AND DUMP ME IN THE RIVER ON MOTHER'S DAY.

AND, PRECIOUS, BY THE WAY

THE DOCTOR CALLED TODAY

- MOMMA. - WHAT I GOT'S A CONDITION

YES, HE'S SURE

THERE'S NOTHING THEY CAN DO

I'LL LAST A WEEK

OR TWO

BECAUSE FOR A CONDITION THERE'S NO CURE

THAT TIME YOU CAUGHT THE CROUP

WHO MADE YOU CHICKEN SOUP

AND READ YOU "BAMBI"

TILL HER THROAT WAS SORE

YOU SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE

THEN BANG! YOU GET THE KNIFE

NO, A MOTHER DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE...

- ( groans ) - AH.

THERE, I FEEL BETTER NOW.

EVERYTHING IS AS IT SHOULD BE.

A MOTHER IS LYING ON TOP OF A SANITATION TRUCK

BOUND FOR THE CITY DUMP,

AND A SON IS RUNNING AROUND WITH A FLOOZY

WHO CAME LOOKING FOR A GOOD TIME

AND STAYED TO RUIN AN AMERICAN WOMAN'S LIFE.

WHO GAVE UP NIGHTS OF REST

TO RUB VICKS ON YOUR CHEST

WHO NURSED HER SONNY BOY

TILL HE WAS 4

MY LIFE HAS BEEN IN VAIN

THIS COUNTRY'S DOWN THE DRAIN

'CAUSE A MOTHER DOESN'T MATTER

NO, A MOTHER DOESN'T MATTER

YES, A MOTHER DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE.

ARE YOU FINISHED, MOMMA

YES, SONNY BOY.

GOOD NIGHT, MOMMA.

GOOD NIGHT, SONNY BOY.

MY NAME IS NOT "SONNY BOY."

GOOD NIGHT, ALBERT.

GOOD NIGHT, MOMMA.

YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER!

YOU'D MARRY ANYTHING!

( crying )

WELL,THIS IS THE ICEHOUSE.

WHAT'S IN THERE

I DON'T KNOW, ICE, I GUESS.

ROSE

ROSIE!

ROSE!

ROSIE

( people shouting )

URSULA'S GONE-- DISAPPEARED!

SHE LEFT THE DINNER TABLE WITHOUT EATING DESSERT.

I THOUGHT HARVEY WAS DOING HIS HOMEWORK.

HE'S WORKING ON A SCHOLARSHIP TO URSINUS.

WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO KIM SHE'S A STRAIGHT A STUDENT.

- WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING. - SHOULD WE DRAG THE RIVER

- WHAT'RE WE GONNA DO - THE SHERIFF'S OUT OF TOWN

AT A POLICE CONVENTION IN TOLEDO.

- SHOULD WE DRAG THE RIVER - WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING HERE

CONRAD BIRDIE HAS RUN OFF WITH MY KIM.

IF I DON'T FIND THEM VERY SOON,

I INTEND TO CALL THE FBI.

NO, I'M GOING TO CALL THE CIA!

WHO'S THE HEAD, DEAR IS IT STILL PETER LAWFORD

WAIT A MINUTE! HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS

HUGO PEABODY TOLD US THEY'D RUN OFF TOGETHER.

- I'M SURE IT'S NOT TRUE. - I'M SURE HE'S ABDUCTED HER, AS WELL.

I KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE!

THEY'RE PROBABLY DOWN AT THE SWEET SHOP

HAVING A MALTED OR A PHOSPHATE.

- PHOSPHATE! - THE SWEET SHOP IS CLOSED.

WHAT ABOUT THE DAIRY QUEEN

CONRAD BIRDIE IS TURNING SWEET APPLE INTO A SLUM!

- ( shouting ) - ROSIE!

ROSIE, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR BLOUSE

WHAT'RE YOU DOING WITH A GUITAR

ALBERT, KIM AND CONRAD ARE AT THE ICEHOUSE.

WHAT IS THAT, A NIGHT CLUB

- NO, IT'S AN ICEHOUSE. - THE ICEHOUSE

- THE ICEHOUSE. - THE ICEHOUSE

- THE ICEHOUSE. - THE ICEHOUSE

DORIS, CALL OUT THE NATIONAL GUARD

AND THE R.O.T.C.!

CALL MR. KEEN, TRACER OF LOST PERSONS!

CALL THE SHADOW!

LOOK HIM UP UNDER LAMONT CRANSTON!

WHOO!

TO THE ICEHOUSE!

( angry shouting )

( cheering, laughing )

( softly ) THE ICEHOUSE!

( coughing )

WELL...

HERE WE ARE.

THIS IS THE ICEHOUSE.

IT'S FUN, ISN'T IT

( siren wailing )

WELL, WHEN YOU'VE BEEN HERE AS MANY TIMES AS I HAVE...

CONRAD, YOU SEEM A BIT NERVOUS.

MAYBE A DRAG ON THIS WEED WOULD HELP RELAX YOU.

HOW ABOUT ONE OF THOSE REEFERS I'VE READ SO MUCH ABOUT

I COULD GO OUT AND GET YOU A FIX...

IF YOU TELL ME WHAT IT IS.

( spits )

WHEN YOU'VE HAD A DONKEY ON YOUR BACK AS LONG AS I HAVE...

SO YOU SEE, I REALLY KNOW THE SCORE.

I EVEN KNOW SOME OF THE WORDS!

"CONNUBIAN."

"PRE-MARRY-AL."

JAILBAIT.

THERE YOU ARE, O SENSUOUS ONE!

WE'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU EVERYWHERE!

THAT'S NICE. I THINK GOT TO GO NOW.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND-- WE'RE COMING WITH YOU.

YOU SAID IT-- WE'VE GOT A LOT OF LIVING TO DO!

- WAIT, WAIT. - WE'LL NEVER GO HOME AGAIN!

KIM, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT

OH, HUGO, I'M SO GLAD TO SEE YOU.

IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.

LOOK, I'M YOUR STEADY.

( girls screaming )

NO, LISTEN. THAT STUFF IS NOT AS MUCH FUN AS IT SOUNDS.

LET'S HAVE AN ORGY!

( screaming )

( screaming )

THANK GOD YOU CAME!

OFFICER, ARREST THIS MAN!

OFFICER, YOU CANNOT ARREST THIS MAN!

- WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT - HE IS A FORMER EAGLE SCOUT

AND A SOON-TO-BE VETERAN.

HE IS A ROLE MODEL FOR THE YOUTH.

ALBERT, LET ME HANDLE THIS.

MR. MacAFEE, DO NOT ARREST HIM!

THIS IS ALBERT J. PETERSON SPEAKING!

WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO THE HOUSE

I'LL GO TO THE COURTHOUSE AND TALK TO THE MAYOR.

I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND. THIS IS THE NEW ALBERT.

I JUST TOLD MOMMA TO GO HOME!

- ALBERT, YOU DIDN'T! - OH YES, I DID.

I TOOK A GIANT STEP

I'M MIGHTY PROUD OF ME

TODAY I AM THE MAN I HAD TO BE

THOSE APRON STRINGS AT LAST ARE CUT

IT'S LIKE I GREW SOME WINGS

AND FLEW OUT OF MY OEDIPAL RUT

I LEAPED A GIANT LEAP

I MADE THE WINNING PLAY

IT AIN'T JULY, BUT HEY

IT'S INDEPENDENCE DAY

NO MORE "SONNY BOY," IT'S MR. ALBERT P.

I TOOK A GIANT STEP

A SELF-RELIANT STEP

A BRAVE, DEFIANT STEP

AND I'M FREE!

I CLIMBED A GIANT PEAK

A DARING THING TO DO

I'M WAY UP HIGH, OH, ROSIE, WHAT A VIEW

I SEE THE FUTURE AND IT'S BRIGHT

IT'S NO MORE, "MOMMA, ANYTHING YOU SAY"

FROM MORNING TO NIGHT

I TOOK A GIANT STEP

A WIMPY KID NO MORE

YOU NEVER SAW A TURNAROUND LIKE THIS BEFORE

IT'S JUST ONE SMALL STEP FOR MANKIND

BUT FOR ME

IT WAS A FORCEFUL STEP

A MOST RESOURCEFUL STEP

A BOLD AND BRASSY STEP

A SASSY, CLASSY STEP

A SELF-RELIANT STEP

A BRAVE, DEFIANT STEP

I TOOK A GIANT STEP

AND I'M FREE!

FREE!

OH!

ALBERT, OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC.

I'M GOING TO GO TO THE COURTHOUSE--

NO, ROSE. THE NEW ALBERT IS GONNA GO TO THE COURTHOUSE

AND DEAL WITH THE MAYOR. I'D APPRECIATE IT

IF YOU'D MEET ME AT THE TRAIN STATION

AT 6:30 TOMORROW MORNING.

I INTEND TO BE THERE WITH CONRAD.

BY THE WAY, ROSE,

HAVE I EVER MENTIONED THAT I LOVE YOU

NO, YOU HAVEN'T.

WELL, I DO.

ABOUT THAT DREAM OF HIM AND ME

IN SOME LITTLE TOWN

I SEE THE SIGNS

HE'S COMIN' 'ROUND

TO A SONG WE CAN SING CALLED "HAPPILY EVER AFTER"

QUIET TALKS BY THE FIRE

AND A LIFETIME OF LAUGHTER

OH, CAN IT BE HE'S READY

TO SETTLE DOWN

JUST TAKE THAT ONE LAST GIANT STEP

AND YOU'LL SEE WE'VE FOUND

A DREAM TO SHARE

WE'RE ALMOST THERE

WE'LL SETTLE DOWN.

( water splashes )

HIYA, ROSIE.

HAVE YOU GOT A MINUTE TO SPARE

FOR A HEART-TO-HEART WITH AN OLD FRIEND

OF COURSE I HAVE A MINUTE TO SPARE

FOR THE MOTHER OF THE MAN WHO LOVES ME.

MISS ALVAREZ, I'LL MAKE A DEAL WITH YOU.

I'LL GIVE YOU THE COAT OFF MY BACK IF YOU'LL GIVE HIM UP.

NOT A CHANCE... MOTHER.

THE CRUELEST WORD I EVER HEARD.

TO THINK I'D LIVE TO SEE THE DAY

THAT I'D HAVE RELATIVES IN EL SALVADOR!

ADIOS, MOMMA.

ADIOS, ROSE.

OH, CALL ME MRS. PETERSON.

COME ON OUT. THE COAST IS CLEAR.

MAN, YOU REALLY SAVED MY NECK.

I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT.

YEAH, BUT I STILL OWE YOU THAT GUARANTEE.

ALBERT, YOU DON'T OWE ME ANYTHING.

YOU GOT A CONTRACT WITH ME FOR LIFE.

LOOK.

THIS IS A BLANK PIECE OF PAPER.

I JUST SIGNED MY NAME TO IT.

YOU JUST PUT ON THAT WHATEVER YOU WANT.

THAT'S THE NICEST THING.

- IT'S OKAY. - Momma: HELLO, ALBERT.

ROSE, YOU LOOK GOOD FOR A CHANGE.

I KNOW ALL ABOUT THE TWO OF YOU.

DON'T WORRY. I WON'T MAKE A FUSS.

I'LL DO WHAT ANY INTELLIGENT MOTHER HAS TO DO.

GOODBYE, DEAR.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COAT.

YOU'LL HAVE THREE MINK STOLES

AS SOON AS THE TRAIN PASSES OVER ME.

( train whistle blowing )

THE TRAIN'S COMING.

RIGHT ON SCHEDULE.

THERE YOU GO.

MOMMA, I HAVE NO TIME FOR ANY OF YOUR NONSENSE.

I WANT YOU TO GET ON THIS TRAIN.

- THE TRAIN RAN OVER MY HAT. - I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR HAT.

- A MOTHER DOESN'T NEED A HAT. - THE TRAIN'S MOVING. LET'S GO!

- GOODBYE, CONRAD. - ALBERT, WAIT!

- ALBERT! - BYE, MOMMA.

ALBERT, FOR GOD'S SAKES, DON'T LEAVE ME!

- BYE, CONRAD. - ALBERT!

BYE, MOMMA!

( train whistle blowing )

ALBERT, WHERE'S THE TRAIN

IT LEFT AT 6:25, ROSE...

- YOU TOLD ME TO BE HERE AT... - WITH CONRAD...

AT 6:30 SHARP. I KNOW--

AND MOMMA.

ALBERT, YOU WANTED US TO MISS THAT TRAIN

WELL, IT STANDS TO REASON, ROSE.

WHY WOULD WE GET ON A TRAIN TO NEW YORK CITY

WHEN WE HAVE TICKETS TO PUMPKIN FALLS, IOWA

PUMPKIN FALLS, IOWA WHAT'S IN IOWA

A TEACHING POSITION AT THE PUMPKIN FALLS JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL.

I READ ABOUT IT IN THE NEWSPAPER.

THEY WANT SOMEONE TO TEACH

DOMESTIC SCIENCE AND ENGLISH,

BUT THEY WOULD PREFER IF THE APPLICANT WAS MARRIED,

SO I REALLY HOPE YOU'RE FINALLY READY TO SETTLE DOWN, ROSE.

OH, ALBERT, AM I EVER!

OH, ROSIE, DID I EVER TELL YOU

THAT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL NAME

IN THE WHOLE WORLD

I WAS NEVER CRAZY FOR FLOWERS

I CONFESS THAT NOTHING LEFT ME COLDER

I COULD WATCH A DAISY FOR HOURS

AND ALL I'D FEEL WAS SEVERAL HOURS OLDER

LILACS OR LILIES, ANY BLOOM YOU PLEASE

ALL THAT THEY DID

WAS MAKE ME SHRUG OR SNEEZE

BUT NOW I LOVE EACH BLOSSOM THAT I SEE

FOR A LOVELY LITTLE ROSE LOVES ME

NOW MY LIFE IS ROSY

SINCE I FOUND MY ROSIE

WITH A GIRL LIKE ROSIE

HOW COULD I BE BLUE

HAND IN HAND WE'LL MOSEY

ME AND LITTLE ROSIE

WE WILL BE SO COZY

BY A FIRE BUILT FOR TWO

OH, I ONCE HEARD A POEM THAT GOES

"A ROSE

IS A ROSE

IS A ROSE"

BUT I DON'T AGREE

TAKE IT FROM ME

THERE'S ONE ROSE SWEETER

THAN ANY THAT GROWS

AND THAT'S MY ROSIE

I'M SO GLAD YOU CHOSE ME

LIFE IS ONE SWEET, BEAUTIFUL SONG TO ME

NOW MY LIFE IS ROSY

OH, WE'LL BE HAPPY, I KNOW

SINCE I FOUND MY ROSIE

OFF TO THE PREACHER WE'LL GO

WITH A GIRL LIKE ROSIE

SO HOW COULD WE

- HOW COULD I - Both: BE BLUE

OH, WE'LL HAVE US A HOME OUT WEST

A NICE LITTLE SPLIT-LEVEL NEST

AND IN EVERY ROOM, ROSES IN BLOOM

BUT THERE'S ONE ROSE SWEETER

THAN ALL OF THE REST

AND THAT'S MY ROSIE

Both: I'M SO GLAD YOU CHOSE ME

LIFE IS ONE SWEET, BEAUTIFUL SONG

WHEN LOVE IS RIGHT, THEN WHAT CAN BE WRONG

LIFE IS ONE SWEET, BEAUTIFUL SONG TO ME.