- I would like to go on record to say
that this attack is both homophobic and
- unjust. Quinn Goodman
Please report to the principal's
office. This is a gays only event.
Go home.
Swimming in my T-shirts, no matter
the weather, say what you mean
I wanna be with you.
I see you in the water, straps on your
glasses. Say what you mean.
- I wanna be with you.
I can't take it.
All I want's right in front of you.
I can't fake this.
Say what you mean I wanna
- Be with you
- I know my shit's weird
- And I live in the suburbs
And it's almost unnatural
how lame I act around you.
- The principal's office. Quinn Goodman,
please report to the principal's office.
- The Bard's most famous work.
Truly the most influential
romantic poem of our time.
Sonnet 18. A beautiful
tender ode to his lover.
Oh, what a lucky girl. The
recipient must have been,
- Excuse me, sorry.
Hi. This poem
- Isn't about a girl.
- Of course it is
- Line six.
And often is his gold complexion dimmed ?
- I'm afraid you're mistaken.
The pronoun refers
to the sun's traditionally
masculine energy.
- The sun is a ball of plasma.
You are literally gendering plasma.
- Perhaps you are misunderstanding
the literary traditions
that influenced this piece. Perhaps
- You are misunderstanding
how gay Shakespeare was.
- Homosexuality was coined
only in the 19th century. Then
- How come it was
criminalized in the 12th?
Yeah, I don't think a lack
of words stopped anyone.
- Were you alive in the
12th century, Ms. Mendez?
- I wish. Imagine getting
burned at the stake. Goals.
- I for o ne would be
- Lobotomized. That's
- Beautiful.
If it makes any difference to you.
Shakespeare happily fell
in love with a woman.
Nothing questionable.
- Mr. Collins, have you ever been in love?
Oh wait, you're a high
school English teacher.
When it comes to the
most influential writers
of romantic literature,
- None of the greats are straight. Walt
- Whitman, Audrey Lorde, Oscar Wild
James Baldwin. Just to
- Name a few. You
- Know the Soviets viewed gay sex
as a luxurious product
of capitalist culture.
- How did they know it was so luxurious.
- Guess they had to stay warm somehow.
- Are you done?
- Yeah. Not at all.
You know, I think Mr. Collins is in love
with William Shakespeare.
- Not today, and certainly
not in the 17th century.
- Well, they hired you in the
17th century by the looks of it.
- Nice.
- Where were we?
- Ah,
- Sonnet 18.
Has everyone read through the
poem in its entirety? The gay
- Poem?
- It's not a gay poem.
A poem can't be gay and neither can he.
- Gay poem. Gay poem. It's
- Not
- Gay.
Yeah. Not how lesbians work.
Hi. Do you need
me Any assistance?
I mean, we're fine. Thank you.
That's a personal L on
your part. You sure?
We are here for Mr. Hale. Names?
Ow. Quinn Goodman.
Sara. S-A-R-A-I. Mendez.
Sarai
- Cohen.
- First name?
- Mm. Their first name is?
- No, it's just Cohen.
- Ooh, I sorry.
- It's Linda, right?
- No.
- Hmm. Well, hi Linda.
I'm Mickey and I would
like to introduce you
to Far Water High's Gay Straight Alliance.
- We have a gay straight alliance?
- What was it? This time
- I
- Would like to go on record to say
that this attack is both
homophobic and unjust.
- Oh, would that be as unjust
as the time when you yelled And I quote,
this is a gays only event.
Go home at the school musical.
- That is a baseless accusation.
- This is about the football team.
I only set off those fireworks
because they accused me of
putting glitter in their body. Wash.
- Did you put glitter in their body wash?
Yeah. What happened?
- Shakespeare was super gay. The subject
- Of song 18 has long been undisputed.
It was addressed to a young
man. And Mr. Collins should
- Know that Mr. Collins has
taught it far water far longer
than any of you've been
around a complaint about it.
He wield a considerable
deal of credibility
and none of your little conspiracy
theories are gonna change that.
- That's not a conspiracy theory.
- We've been clear from the start.
Far Water has a three strikeout policy.
This is GSA third strike.
So I'm giving you a choice.
Diversify your lineup or you're done.
- You're joking
- Straight People play nice with them
and your little club can stay.
- What
- Exactly are you saying?
- Double your membership in two weeks.
Stop disrupting our social functions
and keep it down in our classrooms.
You people need to pull
yourselves together.
- God. Okay, look, 3000 years ago,
Shakespeare was born, right?
And then he was a fileting homosexual.
How is any of that our fault?
- Two weeks. That's
- Not fair.
- The world isn't fair.
Why don't you start with
equal representations?
- It's hard coming from you.
- Get outta my office.
Get out.
- No one is rushing out the
front door to pick me up
from the local department store.
And I guess that's fine. I guess that's
- Fine.
- I've been lying
- Outta feed
- Of these deals soon.
- They've
- Been the same.
- When
- Quin, you don't get out here,
I'm gonna ride an expose
on you for right bar.
Hey cutie. Hey baby.
So you're from Tennessee 'cause
you're like a seven at best.
Rude. We gotta stop doing this
or someone's gonna
think that we're dating.
What about my boyfriend?
Okay, $4 name a man you date.
I'm waiting. Come. He shall me.
He's supposed to be cute, right?
Yeah, he does maintain homeostasis.
Apparently be had a row.
Do you think GSA will be canceled?
Wait a lighten. The mood.
I just think we should talk
about it. Good one for one.
We shouldn't have scared
away. All the freshman gaze
chanting sacrifice probably
wasn't the best gazing ritual.
What did they want us to chant?
We just need to relate to the kids more.
Like what do you know about
k-pop? Literally nothing.
Chairman's team. What? My
s's Mary Kay, the white one.
Obviously, my God, I wish that were me,
- Romeo and Juliet through the centuries.
Since its famed author graced
our planet in the 16 hundreds.
The classic telling of our
world's finest romance has
captured the hearts of
young men and women alike.
Please turn to page 34.
That's enough from this
section of the room.
Thank you very much.
Who will be our Romeo?
Wonderful. Really living
up to your name there.
And who will be our Juliet.
- Okay, Mr. Collins. It has to be me.
I've had her lines memorized
since I was 10 years old.
I was lead Quinn. Ew.
- It's acting Quinn.
- Oh, I hate to see you go,
but I love to watch you walk away.
I've never acted in my life and I
- But soft.
What? Light through yonder window breaks.
It is the east and Juliet
is the sun a rise, fair sun.
Kill the envious moon.
Who is already sick and pale with grief.
Twin.
What's soft? What light?
Three under window breaks.
It is the east. It is the east.
And Juliet is the son. A rise Fair son.
Killed the envious moon
who was already sick
and pale with grief.
Quin. Quin.
- Yeah.
- We're supposed to kiss now.
- Legally.
- He can't make us do that.
- Will what did that performance show us?
- That Quinn can't act for shit. False.
- They acted straight for
- 12 years. Oh, that's true.
- What did you think of the scene, Quinn?
- It's a play. Certainly. Careful
- Now.
Your little club is already
on the line as it is.
- Thanks to you. We have
two weeks of immunity.
We attempted to free the
class from your traditional
constraints on societal
teachings and we were rewarded.
- Do
- You have a problem with me
or is it with Shakespeare himself?
- Hey, Shakespeare wrote
multiple plays that had to
do with identity. So how
- Could he have done that
without questioning his
- Own?
- Take a seat.
- Excuse
- Me.
Excuse me. I'm surprised. Excuse me.
Wait. Oh hi. We're the
Gay Straight Alliance.
You might have heard of us.
You know, we're massively influential. You
- Know, I don't usually work with groups.
- Well, we're very codependent.
- Not really something to self-diagnose.
- Come on, you're a counselor.
You must get the gays
in here all the time.
- The gays are very depressed. That's
- Tea.
- It's not something I can really disclose
about other students though.
- Have you met our matriarch?
Quinn Goodman Fiercely forged
the underground Gay Straight
Alliance as geography club taking the rest
of us under their wing.
God, I love lesbians.
- How did y'all meet Quinn?
- They're annoying.
- Well, LA Elia wanted me to
find a good Colombian boy, but
- Y'all fucked that one up.
Oh yeah. 'cause we love the straight Riva.
I have to kiss my Luke poster every night
before I go to bed.
Ri right? So so
- Did you all meet in geography club
- More like the bathroom?
- Yeah. We were seriously freaked
out by all the pride flags
and sought saws in the one
gender neutral bathroom.
- Shockingly, we were the only ones
in there that weren't jeweling. True.
- And then
- We got slushies.
- That was a good thing.
- It's all
over in two weeks anyway.
- What's happening in two weeks?
- Love's canceled. Unless
we talk to straight people.
- Why don't you wanna hang
out with straight people?
I don't know. Disease
to save the club. Oh. Oh
- Wait. No, she has a point.
- So you're gonna fight
for the club? I mean,
- I'm not busy
ladies, gentlemen.
And those of you who
know better. Yes, Sara.
I, I want a girlfriend. Oh,
honey, we know. Listen up.
We have two weeks to double
our numbers. I'm sure Mr.
Ham was counted. So I'll
just take attendance.
Sara, I I talked to you
like two seconds ago.
Mickey, where is Mickey? Grindr
- Hookup went through
- Crying again.
- Yeah. Zelle here. Cohen.
- Quinn. Yes. Cohen.
Our school's Gay Stray
Alliance has been around
for three years where
it's only members. That
- Is not true.
You in the back. Oh, I, I'm,
I'm just doing my homework.
I'm straight. Please,
please don't hurt me.
You don't have to say that this
is a safe space. She's gone.
I have straight friends.
I could walk into that hallway right now
and find a multitude of straight friends.
- Okay, well why don't you go and get them
- Fine
Quinn.
Yeah. You know
- That woman who like
lived with the monkeys?
Well she said that to
live in the wild you have
to become the wild.
- Are you saying what?
I think you're saying
- We should become
- Kelsey Nielsen soft bush.
This is sell from lemonade mouth erasure.
She's played by hay like Kyoko.
Therefore our views are biased.
Now Shane from Camp Rock Twk.
- Mm. Hybo
- King Shane was not a mbo.
If anything, Jason was. This is
- Early 2000.
Jonas brothers. They're
- All MBOs.
Well, if you choose, assume they're not
currently still MBOs.
Okay. Okay. Okay. Please
take out your phones
for a Kahoot. Is everyone ready?
- The modern smartphone
is just so bourgeoisie.
- It's okay. Cohen. We all
know you have an Android.
- Quinn. Quinn, are you
forgetting something?
- Our club has had to
collapse in 312 hours.
- No one asked.
- It feels like someone's avoiding this
because someone's upset
about someone's club
- Collapsing.
GSA is not collapsing.
- GSA is kind of collapsing. We're
- Smart. We can handle this.
- Smart. Remember when we all
forgot the word for horses?
We call them big dogs for an entire week.
- Okay. Six days.
- We just have to get inside the minds
of the other. Find out what they like.
- Well, it's like
- Astrology, but for straight people.
- Christianity.
- Oh, and the economy is like astrology.
But for straight men, God,
- I did not come out just
to have to be into stocks.
- Wait. Oh my god.
- I got it.
- The mother of all tropes.
- He's in early two thousands movies being
wily murdered. No, the other
- One.
Are you expecting us to know
what you're talking about? No one ever
- Knows what you're talking about.
You look gay.
- You
- Can't infiltrate street society
- If you're not cute.
- Yeah. Playing on combat boots.
You don't look at all
like you enjoying nineties
TV shows about witches.
- Wait, you know, we like Yeah.
- Sfo. 'cause y'all are so
- Slick.
Okay, can we review the plan? Yes.
- One, we follow the
headers around for a week.
Two, we draw them into GSA
with our sheer magnetism.
Three, they bring their friends and
- Boom.
And if anyone asks, this
is not a pyramid scheme.
- Three o'clock girl in thumb shirt.
- Hey.
- Hey. Do you wanna gay? Best friend?
- Sorry, I'm not, you
- Know
- Your shirt?
- Yeah.
- Do you know what it means?
- Are you from business club?
- Do
- We look?
No. We're the gay straight alliance
and we are in danger of hate.
- And she's gone.
- This is hopeless.
GOA will collapse. I'll never find love.
I'll have to marry a man.
- Quinn,
- We'll probably hunt for sport.
Showtime my listen with
so much red hot. Hey.
Hi.
I'm lesbians.
And we're Quinn. I mean,
I'm, I'm I'm Quinn.
And we're lesbians. You knew
that. It's on the poster. Cool.
You want a form? Sure.
What, what is the,
the name you possess,
- I apologize.
And I will translate for
them. What is your name?
- Olivia. - Olivia. Great name.
I had an aunt named Olivia.
She died from old age.
She wasn't murdered.
- Girls - Just fill that
and we'll get you picked up.
- Okay? Thanks.
- Are you alive? What? The
loca top straight to the brain.
Did I just tell a hot girl
about my dead aunt? Yep. Fuck.
- It's okay. She's probably
not running away in terror.
It's more like a light jog.
- Why am I so gay?
I ask myself that every
morning. What do I do?
- Have you ever considered
becoming a cloistered nun?
I feel like a vow of silence
would do wonders for you.
- It's not like you had a chance.
- Totally
- Straight. Not straight.
She's definitely straight. Go for that.
And you'll end up
smothered in her mother's.
God bless this country. Cross stitch.
And what do we do about a girl
with no chance of being gay?
We walk away. That's right. Hey, don't
- Worry.
Things will get easier when
the restraining order comes in.
So basically if you just
look at like ice skating.
- All right, take the
name Homos by erasure
- Bullshit.
- Grant Fleming.
- Oh my God.
- Isn't he a furry?
- The one that got away the furry look.
Freshman year, homecoming,
our eyes met from across the dance hall.
In the bathroom our lips touched.
- Did he pur while you were making out?
- I've always wondered what if he stayed?
You were ghosted by
- A furry. No.
- He could have been in a
relationship with a furry.
- Okay. The love of my life. All
- Right, here's the plan.
We make friends spread
our gospel like degenerate
missionaries among straight society.
And then we eat cake. I'm
allergic. It was a metaphor.
How interesting that you got
paired with the hot girl.
Isn't fate magical? Give it up. Casanova.
I have no idea what you're insinuating.
And yet here we wait outside the field.
Do you want GSA to die in a fiery place?
I care about GSA just as much
as I care about the second rate poetry
that you will be writing when
the straight girl breaks your heart.
I'm just picking her up from what exactly.
Please don't cheerleading. I'm
sorry. I didn't catch that.
Cheerleading. You're practically
clipping your nails already.
I'm not. What did I tell
you about straight girls?
We don't know. She's
straight. She's a cheerleader.
Have you seen her nails?
They're like towels. Really?
Not that it would matter to you. Shut up.
You know I'm in love with
her. That's what I'm saying.
You're in the deep end
and not even the underpaid
teenage lifeguard can save you.
What I'm just saying. First
you're braiding her hair.
Ben, you the bridesmaid at her wedding
to grant Fleming the furry.
That's not my point. Cry.
Well, she doesn't even listen to country.
They all listen to country.
- Hi. Hi. I'm just gonna get
cleaned up and then we can go.
Okay. Yeah.
- Jolene. Jolene. Jolene.
- Shut up.
Hey,
scone.
Like in general, they
have those. What kinds?
A variety.
I'm a variety.
What? Because gay.
Oh yeah. How's that going for you?
Well, I am not allowed in
churches after seven, but
otherwise it's ACEs.
So you want something?
Do you want something
like in life or from here?
Either
a muffin.
Okay, well I'm gonna go get that.
And when I come back you
can be not like this.
- Hey,
- Jesus Christ.
- When's the U-Haul coming?
- She's so hot.
- She's definitely gonna break your heart.
- Oh yeah. She would last
until like at least the fifth week of
- The bachelors. She's
not gonna break my heart
- Because she's straight.
- Not what
- I meant. Here's what we think you
and straight girl are out on.
Say a moon lit picnic
straight girl suddenly
finds herself looking
deep into your eyes.
Straight girl pictures your
midlevel house in the suburbs
with two kids lovingly
adopted from foster care.
Oh, straight girl suddenly
finds her heart beating just a
little bit faster.
- When you ask her out to prom.
Pick a good pen for the
sign. Nothing from Buzzfeed.
We know you're part of the
Caucasoid race and everything,
but we truly believe
you're better than that.
- Can I get back to my
platonic date now please? Of
- Course. We believe in you.
- Do we?
- Well, we think you're somewhat capable.
- The newspaper's a terrible disguise.
Everybody knows gay people can't read.
- Hold up. Hey.
Hey. Hi. Do you ever think
about how close we used to be?
Do you ever think about how
close you were to the best part
of your miserable existence?
You're not still hung up on the thing, are
- You Cohen?
I have no idea what
thing you're referencing
- At time at the Pizza Hut.
- I'm more of a Domino's guy.
- When you and I at the Pizza Hut, we've
- Been to a lot of pizza huts
- When we kissed in the bathroom.
- Oh no. Not hung up with at all. Cool.
Cool.
- You wanna go back to the school and play
spot? The career with the freshmen?
- Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we
were already playing games.
- Not hung up.
- Not at all. Cool, cool.
- So if I were to tell you I
had a boyfriend, you would say,
- I hope he likes guys with
tiny little pebble nipples.
- Not hung up.
- Not hung up. Cool. Cool.
- Wow. That's very bad. Yeah.
So now what? We talk like normal people.
Oh, that seems difficult. Favorite color.
Dusty rose. Oh please.
Should make your acquaintance
protagonist in from
a one direction fan babe.
Oh, so yours is so much better. Maroon.
Maroon is a very gay
color. Colors can't be gay.
What if it was my favorite
color? Gotta make the rules.
I guess that I thought
my coming out would go
a a little bit differently.
I can be a disappointed
father if you would like.
Maybe later. Later. Yeah.
Like when it's 2:00 AM
and we're looking up at
the stars, the two of us,
the universe holds infinite possibilities.
So in your alternate, alternate universe,
what would we be doing right now?
Well, everything would be
exactly the same except those two
people behind me wouldn't be watching us.
You noted. No, when I sat down. It's cool.
What did you tell me about me?
I if you don't tell me it's
homophobia, you're not gay.
Infinite possibilities. Okay, fine.
Yeah, I told them I was hanging out
with my gay best friend person who was a
pretty cheerleader.
Oh, but who's the pretty cheerleader?
Wait, am I the pretty
cheerleader? That's gay.
Infinite possibilities. Okay, so, so
what would we be doing
right now if we were gay?
We're like 10 minutes in
about the time you'd be
calling my therapist gay.
Second base is just like telling them all
of your repressed traumas.
Well what if you don't
have any repressed traumas?
Well, come on. All ge
have repressed traumas.
What's straight first base? I
wouldn't know. I don't know.
Boy toy. Yeah. None worth mentioning.
It is so hard to find
a good man these days,
but yet it's so easy to
find a gay best friend.
Hey, I'm not complaining.
I should tell you. You are
supposed to invite your friends
to come to Oh, to come to the wedding.
What? What? The wedding in the
ultimate universe. Wedding.
In an alternate who's
getting married. We are.
Thank you for the muffin.
- So JK Rolling.
Being a turf is actually
really surprising considering
that every single character
from Harry Potter is trans.
Get into it. Ron. Trans
Hermione, trans Dobby.
Name them King. Everybody
except for Snap. He's sis.
We don't want him. Well
- Thank you.
- Are we thankful for that?
- I've made a counter
presentation refuting all of your points.
Happy to present whenever.
- Well, I mean, you spoke
for a segment of time. First
- Of all, why is the cis
girl commenting on my
good trans PowerPoint?
Second of all, at least my ass
isn't plywood inspired. Say
- It to burn Bro.
- Cohen, I would never say
that to you if you figure ass.
- Can we talk about how my
straight best friend is a furry?
How can he be my straight
best friend if he's a
furry furries
- Can be straight, I
- Think.
Yeah, don't be intolerant
- Like a bug. Furry. What is that?
- I need a convenient place
to store my pocket dictionary.
- Vanny. That's disgusting. When
- You need a cliff bar, you'll be sorry
- Nerd. Seven days.
- I have met with Olivia, my
gay best friend person. What?
What have you guys done? Oh
- Girl.
We all know what you've done. Shut
- Up.
- Can we stop talking
about Quinn's pathetic life
and acknowledge the fact that
my furry has been responding
to the corporate Netflix Twitter account
with his opinions on movies?
- Okay, that's nothing.
My guy plays soccer. So
- Hello?
Pick up your real phone. Dingus. Hello?
- Oh
- Hey, what's up?
There was, there was ax
body spray and kept going on
and on about his drone fixing business.
His name was Kyle. Oh my God.
He's my straight best friend,
you know, for the program.
I told him that I was bi, which
he found in his words hot.
- Ew.
- He won't stop putting on me.
So I told him that I
already had a boyfriend.
- Wait, you have a boyfriend.
You the term gay man must mean
very different things to you.
- Come on. Just one party.
- I don't do straight parties
besides, nobody's gonna
buy us as a couple.
- Hey, it worked in that one movie.
- Do you mean to all the boys I love
before featuring Noah
Centen in his breakout role
as Peter Kavinski?
God, I would let that man run
me over in his family friendly
- Homicide.
Anyways, it'll be fun.
- Or it'll be Jeremy from Bio
Who still dead names me not
with alcohol, please.
I just don't know if
I wanna puke Bud Light
into Kyle's mom's wedding.
China that badly.
- Hey, you know Grant
Fleming will be there.
- You mean the man who stomped
on my 14-year-old heart?
- The furry.
- This isn't a party anymore.
This is the Olympic Ice Skating Finals.
And I am Tanya Harding.
- Wasn't she on like a
lot of drugs? No. Are you?
- God, just pick me up at eight.
- You.
- Hello?
- Did your mom ever tell you not
to go into the forest with white kids?
- I don't care how you got
my number. Just keep talking.
- I went to see an Imagine
Dragons cover band.
And a long story short, I am
behind a seven 11 right now
with a dude named John and
I need to bail out Now.
- You're just expecting me
to be at your Becking call.
- Yes, I'm incredibly hot.
- Give me five minutes.
- Love you
- Here for what you wish for.
- You said this was a house party.
I came dressed for a house
party. This is a spie.
I'm gonna get so many
- Wait, hold my hand.
Oh, not church style
and all the fingers hoo.
- Oh God.
- You again.
Who are you guys? Z Mickey Alk. It
- Exists.
- Why are you here again?
- To show
Grant Fleming what he's missing. Obviously
- Weird.
Kyle's friends. Kyle isn't
friends with, you know girl
- Shareholders
- Are so easy.
Do you wanna dance? Not even a little bit.
- Oh my God. It's him. You okay?
Look at him every bit
as Twinky. As Frosty.
- Oh God.
- Gr consent, whatever.
- Mm. Hi
- Grant.
Huh? It's me. Mickey. You
know from freshman year.
Homecoming.
- See you later Grant.
Hey, follow along. Okay.
Oh my God, I can't believe you're here.
- Is that Susan?
- Yes it is.
I Susan.
Okay, great. So now that my girl is here,
I think we're gonna go, just go. Yeah.
- Wait, gimme $20. I want to get some weed
- Catch.
Come on.
I can't believe you gave
him 20 bucks. For me.
It was a dollar. Wait.
How long until they find out
me a minute straight boy.
At least 24 hours.
Hey, thank you for saving me.
Pretty cool view. Someone else
rescue you in five minutes.
Really? No. Oh,
fun.
Fact time. Fun
fact, you.
Yes. This is the time where
I tell you a fun fact.
The Adams within Julius Caesar's last
breath are near us right now.
Adams move so fast that you can
never really be far from anyone.
Dad is so fun. Hey, actually,
can you stop here, huh?
Yeah, right here. I wanna swing.
You are such a cliche. They do
this in like every gay movie.
Good thing this isn't a gay movie.
There aren't even swings.
Come on. Yep. Yep. We're
- Going up.
It's children's. Come on. Quinn.
For children, are you
a child? Quinn, please,
- Please come up.
Quinn. Quinn. Quinn. Quinn.
Quinn. Quinn. Quinn. Are
- You a child? No. Come
- On.
It'll be fun. It'll be so much fun.
- Quin.
- Come
- On, you'll be a chicken.
- You chef. I'm not a chicken.
- Come on chicken cr. Come on
down the line. Down the fine.
And it's okay. It's a two person
slime. Come on. Yeah. Okay.
Come on. Come on. Come on. Yeah.
- Okay.
You should go talk to her.
Hey, I don't talk to girls.
I just look, if you had jeans on,
they would already be cuffed.
Just go Fine. Just go.
If anything goes wrong
ever, it's your fault. Okay.
Hey listen.
- I know we haven't talked
much since, well freshman year,
but I thought about it
- A lie.
Stop. Stop. What? I'm already
in love with somebody.
Just go. Just go.
- Oh. - How is she about as
greatest family holidays.
Oh, you need me to kiss it better?
Hey, I may be bi, but I'm
not that bi. Okay. Drink.
This is empty. I know, right?
- See, not so bad.
That was fun. Yeah.
Look up there.
- Oh, that
- So
- Fun.
Fact time.
- Yeah. Adam's travel everywhere.
You can never be far from anyone
- Then aren't you? Never really
- Close to anyone.
- Well, the point is
that you can have everything all at once.
What if you want something more specific?
What? Anything specific.
You wanna be close to
Caesar's?
Good.
But I like where I am now. Is that okay?
Yeah, that's okay.
Me too.
- Mickey?
- Yes. Sugar bear.
- He's coming.
- Oh shit.
- How did you love birds mate?
- We were at a
- Shooting council. Student council.
- Aren't you gay,
- Aren't you?
- I'm Catholic.
- Oh, me too. Yeah. No.
Every day I hit up my boy
jc. You know how it is.
I sure do. The only thing I love more
of course, is my woman right
- Here. I don't believe you.
- What do you mean? I sold
my soul to a Lord and Savior.
- Oh no. I mean you two as a couple.
- We do it all the time.
- Prove it.
- Ew
- Kiss.
- Okay. Excuse me.
- Come Here are my little
tiny bunches of oaths.
- My health brand. Pop Tarts.
- Yeah, I don't believe that.
- Okay, fine. We pretended
to be a pebbles so
that I wouldn't have to go out with
you. I'm sorry.
- Ooh.
- You are real big muscle
quarterback type, aren't you?
How's your strained
relationship with your father
and his unattainable
ideals of masculinity?
- Why would you even date him?
- We're not dating.
- So you wouldn't date me. Yes,
you could have just told me.
- You would think that, wouldn't you?
- I'm gonna kick your ass.
- Excuse me.
- I'm going to kick your
- Ass. Splendid.
- Okay then we are gonna
go have a great summer
seeing macroeconomics.
- You, you know, you really need
to give the left hand a break.
You are going to get
carpal tunnel. Seriously.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Your mom let me in.
So all of her friends were
hanging out without us.
I thought maybe you and I could hang out
and I made banana bread.
- You made banana bread. What?
- I liked to bake.
- I thought you just like read theory
and painted your nails.
- I contain multitudes.
- Okay, let's get this bread.
- What?
- You know, like, nevermind.
We never hang out alone.
- Well, that's a shame. I'm very fun.
- No you're not.
- Well I can be.
- Okay then why don't we hang out?
- I don't know. We don't really
have that much in common.
Yeah, we do. Okay. Name one thing. We
- Both like banana bread.
- Yeah. And neither of us
are out to our parents.
- Oh, you're not?
- No.
- Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that.
- Neither are you
- Closet buddies.
- I feel like people should have known
that I was a non-binary pansexual when I
came out as a vegan.
- Yep. Yeah.
My mom definitely thinks
you're my boyfriend.
- Isn't that bad?
- No.
She's been pushing for it for a while.
She's probably gonna bring
up snacks in a minute.
So, banana bread,
- Multitudes.
- Does this ever just feel
like a little too much to you?
- What do you mean?
- It's like
the kids at that party last night.
They just live in their own
little world, don't they?
It's so beautiful and
clean and light there.
- And the two of us were never getting in.
- Yeah,
- You're in love with Cohen, right?
That's why you didn't go after Grant.
- Yeah.
You know, if we were straight,
we could just drive to school every day.
- Shut up
- To be funny
- As promised.
A comprehensive man. Hit list source.
I'm a lesbian and I'm tired.
- It's miss injury.
- Cohen.
I think the day you learned to read,
society just got worse in general.
- Okay. As the only man here.
I just feel like this
PowerPoint is like really
offensive. Some boys are
- Excluded. Oh,
- Okay then. Love you Queen.
- You're
- Late. Okay.
I know I said we could
do the hit list today,
but I just got the results
back from our survey from
all of our straight best friends.
I, I made a graph. Gay
- People can't make graphs.
Rude. Okay, fine. You can do your
little Microsoft Excel project.
If you give us two hits and two spares.
- Hit your dad. The Beatles
spare Mr. Brightside.
And then that one Japanese YouTuber
who makes knives out of random objects.
Go ahead. Thank you. I love you.
- Oh God.
- Oh look.
A turn my parents love after I came out.
- This is not good. This is bad.
It's very bad.
- My straight best friend tried to take me
to church the other day.
- How'd you get through
the door without burning?
- I have to be seen in public with a
- Furry.
At least you didn't have
to kiss. Said furry.
- Honestly, I'm kind of
excited. I've been studying
- You.
Respect us all to have
straight best friends.
Why do you think I'm here? Didn't
- You say Jesus was a pansexual?
- He had personal relationships
with billions of people.
It's kind of slutty. I
- Bet you could rival
him in terms of grinder
- Out outside.
Just because Kyle told you I was working.
- Cohen, I would be your street
best friend if I could. Okay,
- Everyone.
Can you just hear me out?
- Alternate plan. PTA sugar Daddy.
- My dad's on the board, so Oh
- Yeah.
I saw him at the pool. Mickey
- Cohen.
Just kiss hetero ass for a week straight.
Then we can go back to this
being a gaze only event.
- Get it straight.
- Seriously.
- Who knows what
- Not funny. What didn't laugh.
I, it's not funny.
- That
- Was fun. It's not funny. True. Do better
- Mickey.
Well, hello there. You said you had cake.
We have a serious problem.
Just kidding the cake.
Mickey, where's the cake?
We have pressing issues.
Is this about the pizza hut thing?
Yeah, it's about the wait.
How do you know about that?
I am well connected. Go and
put it in group chat. Yeah.
Why am I here? 'cause you
my dear girl, have a chance
to change the course of history
by letting you lose your virginity.
Okay, that is so out of pocket.
Whatever happened to Grant Fleming?
He's the very next question.
You really think Cohen likes
you? Let's look at the facts.
Oh my God, you're a serial killer.
August 23rd, Cohen and I shared
our first romantic moment.
August 24th, 8:50 AM
Cohen tweets out, rise
and grind with two heart emojis
instead of one August 24th,
2:13 PM Thanks.
The haircut of heartbreak.
August 25th, 3:02 AM Contact me, you up.
Oh, I was up. All right.
See, I have chronic insomnia.
You should not have ended
with that. Help me. Why?
Because I love them. You
can't just like talk to them.
Oh, wow. I'd never thought of that before.
What I need. You ask nicely.
Please. You know, all
of a sudden I can't help
but think about summer of 2018.
Oh God. Don't make me say it.
Hey, you want my help or not?
Fine. Summer of 2018,
I, you know what I did?
What did you do, Mickey?
I clogged all the toilets
in the Mende family cabin.
Your sadness compels me.
Go Chapter one star cross lovers.
Actually z. Two minutes.
- So Jennifer is sacrificed
by indie boy band dudes
symbolizing how both men
and indie music are gross.
So her inner demons are being freed
from the constraints of patriarch.
It's also gay. I love
how Jennifer's portrayed
as both the demon and also the victim
of her own hypersexualization that
is also, you know,
super gay Mommy.
You know, I actually think that
Jennifer's body is truly the
defining classic of our generation.
Say that in front of a straight boy
and you'll get a copy of
Fight Club in your spleen.
I could take them. Why?
Well, I went to an Imagine
Dragons concert once,
and I actually got sacrificed by a dude
who is like mid-level famous on Reddit.
Now I did see a emancipated
figure on an in so four months.
God, I love this movie.
Megan Fox is literally a
hot demon who kills men.
That's the dream.
So when's the scene? What scene?
Oh, you know the scene with
Needy and Jennifer The fridge?
No, the kiss.
Oh, I always liked it.
Yeah, me too. Yeah. Cool.
- Hi. Hi. Need up with the screaming?
You're such a cliche,
but we always share your bed
when we have slumber parties.
- But we always show your bed
when we have slumber parties.
I'm not going to bite you.
That's so bad. Is that,
is that my evil dead teacher?
Hell is a teenage girl.
How are you scared?
I,
I don't know what to do with my hands.
Is that okay?
- Okay.
Yesterday
- You were this cheerleader.
Now you're your cheerleader.
- I
- Please take a seat.
- Where's Miy?
- Where Avian Bird flew?
- How was he getting you to agree to this?
- Agree to what?
- Come on, you're smart.
You wouldn't taste your
best friend in the pizza
bathroom. What was he giving you?
- He just, he's so sad.
- Okay. Guilt cannot be exchanged
for goods or service. He
- Had a cork board.
Everyone knows the gays don't
apply themselves. Full name.
- Don't make me say it.
Romeo Huntington Coen.
- Sorry. Didn't catch that.
- Romeo, Huntington Cohen.
- How Anglo-Saxon
- Parents met at a
doomsday prepper dimension.
- Is it correct that on August 23rd you
kissed Mickey McPherson?
- What? That's his,
that's his real name. Did
- You or did you not kiss him?
- I, I, I may have
- After
- I finished my garlic nuts.
- No yearning. None.
Then you won't deny that.
On August 24th you got bangs,
the classic marker of a mental breakdown.
- What are you getting at
- On August 23rd?
You shared an intimate moment with Mickey
McPherson on August 24th.
You did not call him and you got bangs.
Could it be possible
something happened over those
two days to drive the decision?
- What's it to you?
- Pizza Hut at night.
The whole thing. Wreaks
of intricate rituals.
- Okay. Objection, circumstantial. Did
- You
- Yearned Never say it.
I, I I may have yearned.
- Aw. - It's not like I'm
willing to do anything about it.
- Why not?
- I don't know. Elle.
I am, I'm emotionally unavailable.
I I, I'm named after a guy
who famously kills himself.
I don't thrifting. And it's
just a whole lot of red flags.
- You're an idiot.
- I don't think I already know that.
- Close the door on your way out.
- Do I know you?
- Yeah.
The whole straight best friend thing.
You gave us your email.
So what is your persona?
- Do you wanna get something to drink?
- No, I don't drink. So when
did you start showing signs?
- We supposed
- To be getting to know each other.
Isn't that the whole
point of this thing? Okay,
- Fine.
- My favorite color is
purple Sagittarius, sun.
Aries Moon, Libra rising.
So is there like a place
where all of you meet
- Up? I'm leaving. Wait,
- I made flashcards.
- Cohen's not here. I'm here for you.
Oh, are you? Okay. Why?
'cause you're sitting alone in a
classroom staring at the wall.
I've just been thinking, you know
that girl from the other night?
Yeah. The one you talked to at the party.
I didn't actually talk to her.
What if she knows, knows
what that I'm like this.
What if she knows and she tells everyone I
I don't follow.
Remember when you were a kid
and you'd fall and cut yourself
and you'd have this big scar
and you just keep picking at it?
'cause you didn't know any better? I think
I am the scarred.
Everyone just keeps poking
it. 'cause why wouldn't
they? So,
- No,
- You're
- Not.
Look at us, Mickey. You said
it yourself at the party.
We're not like them.
I just woke up this morning and
thought everyone can see it.
You know,
- Look,
- Just come distract yourself with us.
We're making a list of all
of the homoerotic moments in Great Gatsby.
So we can annoy Mr. Collins. He
- Can, any normal teenager
could just go to a party.
Why can't I do that?
- Let's get you out of here. Okay?
- I'm, I'm just sitting, just let me sit.
- Okay? Can I sit with you?
- Look in
inside the
see the follows me closely.
Whatever food.
I
right,
- I'm
- Coming.
Nice dress.
- Thanks. It was my mom's.
- Your parents' home.
- They never are. Why
are you, do you wanna
- Sit?
Sure. Yeah.
So your mom's wedding dress?
- Yep. Why do you have it?
Oh, she gave it to me a while ago.
She is not really, you know,
around anymore.
Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, please don't.
- I
- Hate it when people say that.
Well, do you ever think you'd
wear something like that again?
Like with you? No.
No. I'm sorry.
Did you ever use to watch movies under
your bedsheets at night?
Like gay ones? Yeah.
Like gay ones? Sure did.
They were never during the day though.
And they never had a happy ending.
We'll be different. I
never wanted to be different.
Of course, you are a cheerleader.
People expect, expect what?
I think I should go
- See ya.
Hey, mom. Oh, let me be there.
How was your afternoon? It
was good. Just hung out.
The friend. What friend?
His name's Grant Fleming.
Ah, who is Grant Fleming?
Just a friend who know you?
No. No.
Oh, I was excited.
Mom.
- What?
- Sweet. Gay.
I am gay.
Say
something please.
- What was the relative say?
- I don't care.
- Get dressed. We're going to church.
- So God so loved the world
that he gave his only son.
What will you give?
What is your sacrifice?
- Hey,
- As it church, as a
- Community. Did your mom
- As individual?
- It's my fault. I shouldn't,
I shouldn't have what been
yourself. You know what I mean?
- To show our love
for one another, for ourselves.
- Sorry, father
- Degenerate.
I memorized all the lyrics to Hail Mary.
If I get them wrong, do
you think they'll notice
there are no lyrics in him.
What am I supposed to know? That
- Only he knows our true sacrifice.
- Damn it. Sorry.
- What is our life measured by?
Is it possible that what God
meant when he gave up his son
is that it is measured by
what we give to others?
- You think? Don't get
kicked out for the swearing
of just the fact that I'm Jewish.
- This is a church.
They can't kick you out.
- Well, if they can,
you're the first to go.
- Mean accurate, but mean.
Can we stop kneeling? Now?
- Gender was created by the CIA.
- The CIA isn't responsible
for your daddy issues. Coen.
- Okay. But regardless, the construct
of gender came from
undercover investigation
and program investments then became the
DA's Dashes of Morse code.
And here we are in
America's binary culture.
It's all a product to the
very best size of the era.
- Why is it always World War I with you?
Why can't ever be colonization?
It's almost always
colonization. You know what?
- Mommy issues, daddy issues.
Maybe someday when we get rid of gender,
we're all just gonna
have issues, you know?
- Hey, does anyone have any quarters?
I'm gonna play toxic till
we get kicked out. Hm.
- Wait, no. You should play
the Chainsmokers that way.
It's like reverse queer baiting, you know,
- White girl
- Music. Oh
- No.
Hey, do you wanna go dance?
- Yes. - Alright, but like
two feet apart, nothing weird.
- Sick.
You good? I just got broken up with, so,
you know, and my mom
just rejected me.
Cinnamon rolls are good on Tuesday.
There might not be any more.
GSA just another day in the game.
Should we dance?
- Yeah.
- My mom texted. How is it she,
she said that she's still adjusting
but loves me no matter what.
- Well, that's amazing.
- It's our last day. What are we gonna do?
- Well, for starters, could
you guys take me home?
You've already missed like three periods.
- Why didn't you guys wake me up?
- Please report to the principal's office.
Do any of you know what's going on?
- Good luck.
- Yeah.
- How's it going, rich?
- Close the door. Have a seat.
I've been hearing some disturbing
allegations concerning you.
- No matter what anybody says,
I went to PE freshman year.
Quinn
- Students have told me you are attempting
to reverse conversion therapy
one of your classmates.
What?
- No. What does that even mean?
- According to what I've
heard you, you took her
to gay clubs, things of that nature.
What? You have a responsibility as leader
of our gay straight alliance.
A privilege which can be taken away due
to inappropriate behavior.
- Well, there was no
inappropriate behavior.
- These are serious allegations.
- Allegations. Do you
know what that word means?
- I discipline all my students
equally. I'm proud of it.
- Proud of what? What part
of pride do you get to claim Exactly?
None of these kids were a
part of anything before GSA.
And you wanna take all that
away in the name of discipline?
- Are you acquainted with Olivia, San
- Olivia?
- The subject in question
- To remind you
- Her
- Of the mess you left when you were.
- Many of her friends have
expressed concerns regarding her
- To deny me of.
- Okay,
- You're free to go.
Oh, and Quinn, GSA
has till tomorrow morning.
- Hey, Jake. How's it hanging?
Who are you going? Cohen? Who?
You know your gay best
friend? Cohen? Sorry.
Who did you not read the emails?
- Oh my god. I remember him.
Him and his group of friends are so sad.
I put your name on the list.
I hope you're okay with that. They
- Excuse me, my pronouns.
You know, he goes to the
store. She goes to the store.
They go to the store. Why? I
don't know. Jake's second wave.
Queer theory, I guess.
Whatever, dude. Oh my God.
Am I not allowed to call you that?
You know, it may bug some people,
but for me it's So how'd you two meet?
Hmm? How'd you meet?
- It was actually such a funny story
- We made out once.
Yeah. Hilarious.
Wow. Such a cute couple. He
- Is my dream man.
- He is. Well, he is a man.
You know, I just remembered.
I have something I have to do.
Thank you.
- Are you busy? I could come back. No,
- I'm not easy.
- Anything you wanna talk about?
- Not really. I've just been falling
apart, sort of.
- That doesn't sound like Not really.
- You're the person I'm
supposed to talk to about
this stuff, right?
- You're safe with me,
- Olivia.
What? I just had this really weird
conversation with Mr. Hale.
Did you hear it? Can you leave me alone?
I didn't do anything. Stop
it. I'm not, I'm not gay.
Okay, but you said nothing. I said nothing
- All the time.
Do it all the time. Get
into the way, get into it.
How the plane, you just go
up and then you just go down.
Yeah, you just go on guys, solve
it. Wait, are we all quiet?
- Hey, let's, let's do this.
- I knew you'd come around
to starting a vlog channel.
- What? No, no. I, no.
- What? I have no idea
what you're talking about
- Us.
That's like, what's
like to be a thing? Like
- A thing thing?
I think they mean a
- Thing.
Do. Hmm? Do you wanna hang out sometime?
- Like, like, like a, like a
date. I, I would love that.
- Okay. Do you wanna hang out later?
- Like hang out or like hang out.
- Whichever.
- Yeah. I, I can hang out.
Are you gonna stand there
staring at each other?
- Hey, listen. Is what
people are saying? True. You
- Wanna know everything
The dyke did? Just,
- Everyone's been talking.
I know's. Been talking.
- Hey everyone. You know,
I'll, I'll talk to everyone.
Hey everyone. What's up? You know me.
I'm the dyke from your chemistry class.
The one who would look so
much prettier with long hair
who won't shut up
and whose only safe
space in the entire world
is getting taken from them.
Look, I get it in two days,
once you're done humiliating me,
you'll go back to calling my
friends the wrong pronouns.
You'll cut us outta your stories
and you'll bully us outta your lives.
In two days, my only safe
space will disappear.
Lucky for you. You never had
to care. And you never will.
Is something wrong?
What does it look like?
- I know gay straight alliance may be any
- Tomorrow.
It's not about GSA.
Well it is,
but it's also just about
this stupid stupid school.
- You,
- You wanna step into my office?
What happened?
- I only care
- About four people in this entire school
and I let them down.
- How did you let them down?
- I trusted someone I shouldn't have.
- Do you see yourself as a letdown?
- I see myself walking out of
here and never coming back.
- Is that the ending you want?
- Isn't this how it always ends?
- Oh,
- That
so fun.
Fact time. Yeah.
Adams travel everywhere.
You can never be far from
anyone then aren't you?
Never close to anyone?
Well, the point is that you
have everything all at once.
What if you want something
more specific? Like what?
Anything specific. You want to be close to
Caesar's?
Good.
But I like where I am now. Is that okay?
Yeah, that's okay.
Me too.
- Why are you so obsessed
with a straight girl?
- She's not.
- Okay. Well, last time I checked
Quinn, I just came out
and I know that you have
been out since the womb,
but for some of us, this is a big deal.
I'm here too. Wrapped up in
Miss Headrow to even care.
And I know that we don't talk
about real stuff that much,
but I just thought that you would make
an exception for this.
- I'm sorry.
- And even if my mom
is okay with it, it just
feels like there's this point
when unconditional love
suddenly becomes conditional
and the world is just not that good.
Giving us a second to breathe.
- Breathe. Hey, I love you.
- I love you too.
- I love you.
- What do you want? I'm sorry
that I said those things before.
I just wanted my friends
to stop saying shit.
You weren't the one who said it. No.
Why would I, why didn't you just say that?
I'm not that bold.
You know, you can't just
go around hurting people
and expect forgiveness
because you want it.
You have to do something to earn it.
I just want us to be okay.
Things will go back to
normal for you soon.
But I don't want normal. But
then prove it. Good night.
- Hello?
- Mm. Oh,
- My work hours are over.
But you can come into my office tomorrow.
- Oh,
- You can't?
- Hmm.
Okay.
- Do you wanna tell me what's going on?
- Hmm.
- Hey baby,
- You're up early.
Is everything okay? Is your mom okay? You?
- Yeah, she will be. She's
learning. But get ready.
I gotta show you something.
- Yeah, yeah. Okay. Hurry.
It's a personal pride parade.
Did you do all this? Was
it just me? Go talk to her.
- Or like precious baby or
something like that. Precious.
Don't push it.
Boyfriend. I know that it's
not really gender neutral,
but it No, I I I like it.
Oh, like it too real. Okay.
No one else can call me that next Iselle.
I'm so proud of you.
- You're what?
- I just wanted to let you know
- I'm I proud of me too.
So when I said prove it,
this is what I came up with.
And one more thing.
Now everyone will know that's
you are, you are.
Wow. Gimme a second.
It's all for us
- That.
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