Original subtitles

That's right, Freddie! Never wait too long between shots.

Or your finger might change its mind.

Shooting ain't got nothing to do with the mind.

It's all a matter of instinct.

There you go, pulled the trigger again,

and all you got to do is close your hand gently.

Like you're squeezing a sock full of dead mice.

That's better, baby. Just like a bag of dead...

That's six. Can I go play with my dolly, now, Grandpa?

You leave that dolly be and learn your lessons, Winifred.

Load up that gun. 'Cause this is a rough country, little lady.

And the words they savvy best is the words you say with that there thing.

Being a good shot ain't a-going to get you in trouble,

it'll keep you out of trouble.

You ain't got a Pappy or a Mammy and I'm getting old.

And this is sudden country. There's no telling where I'm going to be

when you start to blossom out into the flower of young womanhood.

I'll probably be up in the hills,

just a couple of coyotes howling over my grave

to keep me company.

Then, that there shooting iron has got to be

your Mammy and your Pappy and your big brother.

So shoot, little lady.

Learn to shoot straight, and quick.

There we are.

- Go on, now. - Yes, sir.

That's Grandpa's good girl! Now one for Pappy.

Now one for Mammy.

And one for big brother.

Fine! Now, one for the little boy who lives down the lane.

Yes, sir! We got the little boy just where it done him the most good.

Yes, sir. All you need now is lots of practice.

And you'll be able to hold your own in this wicked, old world.

Can I go play with my dolly now, Grandpa?

Yes, you can play with the dolly now.

Poor motherless, little Freddie.

And what a shot!

♪ Rock-a-bye, baby, in the tree top. ♪

♪ When the wind blows, the cradle will rock. ♪

♪ Oh, that beautiful blonde from Bashful Bend, ♪

♪ never did learn to keep a friend. ♪

♪ She'd give them a start, then shoot them in the end, ♪

♪ the beautiful blonde from Bashful Bend. ♪

♪ Yo-de-lay, yo-de-lay hee-hoo ♪

♪ She's hardly the type to cuddle near. ♪

♪ She'd rather go out and rope a steer. ♪

♪ They never did build a school that she'd attend, ♪

♪ the beautiful blonde from Bashful Bend. ♪

♪ Yo-de-lay, yo-de-lay hee-hoo ♪

What are you talking about? This is a law-abiding town.

It ain't the Wild West.

People don't do things like this without some reason behind it.

For heaven's sakes, Freddie. You ought to have some kind of an idea.

How do I know? Those things just happen.

It can happen to anybody, that's all.

Well, it ain't so bad.

They say the first ten years is kind of irritating,

but after that you get used it. They say, anyway.

What?

But why did you shoot him, Freddie?

I said "shoot."

If you wanted to get rid of him,

couldn't you have pushed him out a window,

or down a well, or under a horse?

Or shove him down a swamp bank at midnight.

But- but why did you have to shoot the poor guy in the first place?

I was jealous, I guess.

You know how girls are.

Do I?

I was sitting at one table, with a couple of suckers from the East.

Blackie was at the next table, giving me the fish eye,

because we had a kind of a blow-up over this new gizzy that blew in.

Roulette, she calls herself, yet.

Nothing serious, but if you can see me getting sore about a number like that one.

I wouldn't give her the satisfaction, that twilly.

Just minding my own business.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Maybe you do us a big "flavor," Freddie, and singing us a song.

That's what I get paid for, so it can't be that big a "flavor."

Will you excuse her, gentlemen?

Deal me out, boys, but don't forget me.

No, impossible.

Hurry back.

See you later.

"Every Time I Meet You."

Sure.

♪ Every time I meet you, ♪

♪ I meet you for the first time ♪

♪ just as though we never had met before. ♪

♪ Every time I kiss you, ♪

♪ I kiss you for the first time ♪

♪ and my happy heart keeps begging you ♪

♪ for more. ♪

Oh, why, Stan, my stocking. Surely, you escort me to my room, no?

I'm afraid for all these men.

Well, I suppose so.

♪ The moment is grand ♪

♪ and the feeling is so brand new. ♪

♪ Every time you leave me, ♪

♪ won't you take this heart ♪

♪ along with you? ♪

♪ I've fallen in love, for the first ♪

♪ and the last time, too. ♪

♪ Every time I meet you ♪

♪ I fall in love all over again. ♪

♪ 'Cause every time I meet you ♪

♪ I meet you for the first time, ♪

♪ just as though, we never had met before. ♪

♪ ...though we never had met before. ♪

♪ Every time I kiss you, ♪

♪ I kiss you for the first time, ♪

♪ and my happy heart keeps begging you ♪

♪ for more. ♪

♪ ...for more and more, I'm begging you. ♪

♪ Every time you thrill me, ♪

♪ you thrill me for the first time. ♪

♪ The moment is grand, the feeling is so brand new. ♪

♪ ...the feeling is new. ♪

♪ Every time you leave me, ♪

♪ won't you take this heart ♪

♪ along with you? ♪

♪ I've fallen in love, for the first ♪

♪ and the last time too. ♪

♪ ...and the last time too. ♪

There you are!

I see.

Then you didn't actually mean to shoot the honorable Alfalfa J. O'Toole?

The honorable Alfalfa J. O'Toole?

Judge of the United States Circuit Court,

and shoot him good, what I mean.

Is that who yelled?

Do you blame him?

Then where was Blackie, and that tomato?

Maybe under the bed. How do I know?

The party we're interested in is the one that was on top of the bed.

The honorable Alfalfa J. O'Toole.

I suppose he's awfully irritated.

If he's alive, he is.

And irritated doesn't begin to describe it.

Maybe he doesn't remember my name, Ambrose.

Maybe he forgot it in the excitement.

Remember your name.

In letters of fire, he remembers your name.

In letters of fire nine feet high.

When I catch that Blackie.

Look, Freddie, a man's a man.

And when something new comes along, an opportunity presents itself...

- What's new about a twist? - ...his thoughts just naturally turn to...

You take, like, me, Freddie.

Sitting right here in this dungeon beside you.

Even I who sit here, Freddie...

Even you who sit there, Freddie, what?

Well, I got a right to sit, ain't I?

Well, just keep on sitting.

Pronto! Open the door.

Look what you done...

Put this bed over that way. Be careful, go!

Put the florals over that way, too.

That's over there, with the...

What's going on here?

Is the judge still sore, Joe?

Is he sore?

You mean, is he sore? He ain't sore, he's boiling.

He ain't boiling, he's exploding.

He's setting fire to the curtains. I brought you something to eat.

Thanks, Joe, and for the bed.

And the bath- don't mention it, honey.

Maybe I'd better apologize to him. I guess I'd better apologize to him.

Oh, sure, and take him some fudge.

You just take me over there, and when I tell him how sorry I am...

I can't do it, Freddie. Not without bail.

I got the right, Ambrose. I got the legal right.

You got what legal right?

You got a legal right if you got a court order.

And you know who the only person is who can sign that court order?

I can guess, I guess.

That's right. The honorable Alfalfa J. O'Toole, in person.

It isn't as if I was asking for anything really, Ambrose.

You know I wouldn't get you in trouble for the world, Ambrose.

I wouldn't even consider it, Freddie, less'n I was absolutely sure

you'd left your gun here, you wasn't out of my sight for even half a second,

and I was right with you all the time.

Well, who else would I want to be right with all the time, Ambrose?

Steady now, steady, now.

If you just wouldn't wiggle around so much, I'd have it out in an instant.

There we are. Now I've got it.

Elusive little devil, isn't it?

I thought sure it was there. It got away again.

Well, let's have another whack at it.

If you'd just be a little less cheerful about it, you old windbag.

Of all the butchers I've...

Oh, will I get even with you for this.

There, there. I've got it.

Or have I? Is that a button off your trousers?

No, it can't be a button off the trousers. Different shape.

It can't be a button off the trousers because it'd have a thread in it.

This has no thread in it. Oh, it's a safe bet that that's it.

There, there. Don't excite yourself.

What's a little difference between friends?

Between friends? I never even saw her.

I haven't seen her yet. She works strictly from the back.

I'll give her so much solitary confinement, she'll be talking to herself!

And if that crook of a sheriff allows her so much as one visitor, I'll...

Get out and stay out!

Yes, don't come in here.

Oh-ho.

Oh, hello, my love.

What is this I hear about your being shot in a young woman's bedroom

by her irate enamoratus, you old...

There's no such word as enamoratus, madam.

Who is this old tramp?

Madam, I happen to be the doctor.

You were right the first time.

Now, if you'll just go home and wait patiently, I'll explain the whole thing.

- What were you doing in her bedroom? - Whose bedroom?

Oh, is this a bedroom? How was I to know it was a bedroom?

That isn't a hot stove you're sitting on.

You can put two and two together.

Will you keep your beard out of my soup?

Naturally, the doctor put me on a bed.

- You were shot on a bed. - How do you know?

- The whole town knows! - What?

It makes a very dainty piece of conversation.

An old walrus like you, honey-phobing around with this little blonde

when in comes your enamoratus and lets you have it.

Right in the caboose!

Now, listen carefully, Elvira.

I was feeling a little dizzy.

You know how bilious I've been

since your sister went East and you started doing the cooking?

So Joe the proprietor brought me up here to

lie down on that couch for a little while

because it wouldn't disturb anybody.

Why didn't you lie down downstairs?

What on, the Faro table?

I'd look great with the customers betting both ends against my middle.

So you were entirely alone?

I was completely alone.

And the next thing that happened...

Your enamoratus came in and let you have it.

Whose enamoratus?

Oh, if I lived through that... Look,

will you believe me if I get the thug she was shooting at up here

and have him tell you himself it was him and not me she was trying to plug?

I will not, but I would certainly admire seeing you trying to get him to say it.

Go get him, doctor, and bring him up here.

- And if you need a paper I'll sign it. - Certainly!

Be sure you tell him what to say before you bring him in.

You may depend upon it, madam.

Now, whose room did you say this was?

I didn't say anything about it.

I suppose it belongs to the hotel. It looks like a hotel room.

It wouldn't be a lady's room, by any chance, would it?

I don't know. I've never been in a lady's room.

I suppose this belongs to one of the bartenders.

Oh, it may for all I know. I never...

Or these?

I don't know. I don't know anything about it.

I don't even know what they are. I hope.

Whoever you are, stay out!

Hello.

How you feel now, sweetie? Your little tutu still on fire?

I seen you half shot lots of times. This is sure the first time I seen you...

And what are you doing in this room?

What am I doing?

Well, what shouldn't I be doing in this room?

What are you doing in my trousers?

Your trousers? That's all I wanted to know, Alfalfa.

Well, now that you think you know it, why don't you go home?

Why is your mother upset?

Your mother!

Oh, no please!

- Hello. - Hello.

- Hello. - Hello, yourself.

Now get out of here. What do you think this is, a barbecue?

Hello.

I just happened to think, Your Honor...

Well, cut it out. Now go away.

If you want to see me, you can come to court.

The next time I sit...

Why did I have to think of that?

She just sorry she shoot you. That's all, she want to tell you.

What? Just a moment, you. When I get through with you...

Now, don't excite yourself into a condition, angel face.

Now, bring that she-rattlesnake in here.

When I get through with you, young woman...

What do you mean, setting this female at liberty, you crook?

Why, she ain't at liberty, Your Honor.

It's just that she felt so bad on your account.

She would have broke your heart, Your Honor.

Oh, to know that you're alive, Your Honor,

instead of rotting away in some lonely grave.

You don't rot quite that soon.

Well, why should he rot in a lonely grave from a little...

You're taking this too lightly, Conchita. Isn't she, Your Honor?

Oh, it's nothing. Turn over, honeybunch.

Stop calling my husband "honeybunch."

I'm terribly, terribly sorry, Your Honor.

If there's any man in the world I wouldn't have wanted to...

You stay away from my husband.

Why don't you go home?

I'm not thinking of him as your husband, ma'am.

You don't have to worry.

I'm not thinking of him as a man at all.

I'm thinking of him as a father.

A forgiving father, to put his arms around me and...

Ay, papi.

If you could only find it in your heart to forgive me.

To pretend this never happened.

With my bucket full of lead.

I didn't mean it for you, Your Honor. I didn't mean it for anybody.

I don't hardly know one end of a gun from another.

I don't hardly know how it got in my hand.

All of a sudden, I see this big rook that I slaved for,

that I bought neckties for, that I hocked my jewelry for,

that I sewed buttons on for, playing puss in the corner with his beezle.

What was I supposed to do?

Well, you wasn't supposed to plug me. That's a cinch.

Look in my eyes, Your Honor.

Don't you do it, Alfalfa.

Don't listen to her, Judge. She's a little bit upset tonight.

Think how they'll talk about you when you let me go.

They'll say, "There's a man with a heart as big as a bow fiddle."

Even though he did get shot up a little.

A little? You should feel...

It would have made some men as mad as a bear with a sore paw.

It ain't my paw that's sore, honey.

"The honorable Alfalfa set her free."

"He forgive her. He patted her on her little"

"head, and said, 'I forgive you, honey.'"

Paints a very pretty picture.

You know it's what you want to do, Your Honor.

Tell the Sheriff. Tell him to set me free.

Don't hold the words in.

And then as soon as you're on your feet again, come up and...

Don't you do it, Alfalfa.

Come up and point out the evil of my ways.

I need your help. I need your guidance.

I need a papa.

Oh, papa.

Well, I don't suppose you was really aiming at me, at that.

Of course I wasn't, Your Honor. You know that.

I couldn't anymore aim at a human being, than I could...

I'm the gentle type, Your Honor.

I'm the home type. You can see that.

Look into my eyes again, look deep.

I got him, I got him. Here he is, here he is.

You wanted to see me, Judge?

I understand there's been some little mis-

understanding that I had no connection with, you understand.

But, if I can be of any assistance,

Oh, so you had no connection with all this in any way, huh?

And I suppose you had no connection with that little French omelette either?

Just as you didn't have with every other new twilly that's blown in here.

Cut it out, honey. Cut it out. He ain't worth it.

- Why, you triple-timing, two-faced... - Now, now, wait a minute.

So you think you're going to horse around with me, do you?

Why, I don't even know what you're talking about, honey.

You must have been looking at a couple of other people.

Do tell.

Oh, there you are, pretty puss.

I hope I don't make you much trouble. I've been...

Not as much as I'm going to make for you, you overdressed little...

Now, now, Freddie.

Let go of me!

What you need is some advice, and some guidance.

- What I need is a gun. - Save me!

Give me that! Give me that!

Look out, now. Remember, you don't know one end of the gun from the other.

Remember, you don't...

Remember, you don't know one end of the gun from the other.

Let go of it!

No.

Yes.

- Will you... - Are you all right, Alfalfa? Oh, dear.

- Will you... - It could happen to anybody.

Not twice in the same place, it couldn't. That's very unusual.

I'm so sorry.

Go away!

Never a dull moment, I always say.

Shut up!

Will you get out of here?

You stupid asses hadn't catch those murderesses before they get to Alaska.

What?

Yes, sir, Your Honor. Get out of the way.

Well, how about it, Doctor?

There, there, Alfalfa.

There, there. Now, now, now. Have we lost our sense of humor?

I should think it'd be a privilege to be

shot at by a beautiful young thing like that.

I remember one time in Yuma, Arizona...

Will you stop talking?

Shove a pillow down your tonsils and start digging, you old windbag.

Now, let's see, where is it? Now, let's see.

Oh, is that you, or the arm of the chair?

All aboard!

Hurry up, Conchita! We'll miss it.

What are you doing?

Where'd you get these things?

Never mind. I'll explain later.

Well, I'm kind of crowded for space. You say you got tickets?

Certainly we got tickets.

What do you think we are, a couple of flooby-joobies?

Could I see these here now tickets?

- We lost them - In the satchel.

How's that again?

We lose the keys. They're in the satchel, but we lose the keys.

That's right.

Yoo-hoo!

Shut up before you happen to an accident. And you too!

Now, where do we lay down?

Any little old place will do.

I'd just like to see them tickets first because...

We told you we lost the keys.

- Don't you take our word? - I see.

Well, maybe I can help out along that line.

Here.

What service!

I think this one will just about do it.

There we are.

And here are the tickets.

No.

Yes.

Well, jump my claim.

If it isn't little Ms. Hilda Swandumper.

- Naturally. - Oh, sure.

Your brother Hingleman is terribly worried about you.

- Brother who? - Brother Hingleman.

Wondering where you was. Told me to be on the lookout for you.

Well, it certainly is nice to meet up with you.

But he sure didn't tell me what a looker you was.

Really? Of course, he's an awful flatterer.

Always kidding.

I'll telegraph him you're on board.

Yoo-hoo!

Shut up!

Just come with me. Porter, bring the bags.

You're sure going to like it in Snake City, I hope.

You must be that little Injun girl she was bringing with her.

You leave mama and papa back home in teepee?

How would you like to go with me and see white man's choo-choo, puff-puff engine?

How would you like to go suck an egg?

Oh, she's learned a little English.

A little too much, if you ask me.

Well, if you need anything during the night,

just try pulling the bell handle.

If anybody answers it, tell them what you want.

Good night.

Good night.

- In here. - Yes, ma'am.

Hope y'all be nice and comfortable.

Well, we won't get lost, that's a cinch.

Yes, ma'am.

- Now, where did you get it? - Get what?

This Swandumper stuff, or whatever she calls herself.

We're traveling, ain't we? We got to have traveling bags, ain't we?

- Where did you get them? - Oh, we'll send them back later.

- You stole them. - How you talk.

- You did so. - I did not.

I heard that women yelling, when the train was pulling out.

Conchita.

Some women are always yelling. Never satisfied.

- You locked her in some place. - I did not.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself, doing that to another girl.

I mean, I don't care what you do to a man, but to another girl.

I tell you I didn't.

You know how long you can get for something like that? I mean "we" can get.

You know how long you can get for plugging a judge in both ends?

I mean "we" also.

I'd almost forgotten about that part.

Look, we need valises, we got valises.

We needed overcoats, we got overcoats.

We needed reservations, we got them. We'll send them back later.

Sure, and we'll probably spend the rest of our natural lives...

Say, what do you know? We're school teachers.

How much is one times one?

Who's school teachers?

We are. We are Hilda Swandumper.

And we got a license. Ain't that lovely?

Just dandy.

Oh, nice clean work. No drunks to roll.

No salesmen to listen to their silly jokes.

No getting soused if you don't feel like it.

Who's going to teach what, you?

You, I guess. I'm just Flatfeet, the Indian girl.

While you teach, I weave baskets.

In a pig's pants I'll be the teacher.

And just as it fits a solution?

In the first place, I don't know anything. In the second place...

What do you have to know to teach a lot of

little mugheads who don't know nothing neither?

What am I going to teach them? How to play Stud?

Well, you could start them off on playing Draw, couldn't you?

Very funny. In the second place, I probably don't look anymore

like Hilda Swandumper than I look like Swan the Hill Dumper.

All Swedes look alike.

And in the third place,

if there's one place I don't want to be in the first place

is when Ms. Swandumper shows up without her tickets,

without her satchels, without her overcoats,

not to mention her hat.

She ain't never going to show up.

How do you know?

Because I borrowed this stuff from a big black box.

She must have croaked on the way out.

Then who was that doing the yelling when we pulled out?

Blackfeet, the Indian girl.

I guess. It couldn't have been the other.

Oh, poor kid.

Don't do that.

What's the matter?

It's bad luck to put a hat on the bed.

♪ Welcome, Hilda, to Snake City ♪

I was really beginning to give up on this one.

She must have come by way of Alaska.

No, no, no!

If she hears you sing like that, she won't even get off the train.

With more enthusiasm.

Now, once more.

Welcome, Hilda Swandumper. You look so exactly like your name.

Quiet, please.

I would know you in a million. I am Dr. Smidlap.

As leading music teacher and undertaker of Snake City,

it is my present duty to welcome you into our peaceful flock.

Will you shut up?

And introduce the next speaker, Mr. Hingleman.

Chairman of the School Board and local blacksmith.

Friends, young ladies, fellow voters of Snake City,

as Chairman of our School Board,

It is my warm duty to welcome you as our new teacher.

And say, in conclusion,

may Bashful Bend's gain be Snake City's loss.

Thank you very much for both of us, me and my friend.

I mean my little Indian maid.

- Quiet. - Shut up!

I brought my little friend along because

you naturally don't want to live alone.

I mean, you know how it is for a strange girl in a strange town.

You won't have a thing to worry about, Hilda.

I'm Mrs. Hingleman. Julius and I want you to stay with us up to our house.

- Don't we, Pa? - We sure do, Ma.

And that goes for little Fire Water here, too.

How you leaving papa and mama, huh? Everything heap good back in wigwam?

- How would you like to go... - Everything was wonderful.

Fine, fine. Now, I want you to shake hands

with Dr. Schultz, in case you get sick.

- The pleasure is mine. - How do you do?

And Mr. Sweetser, our Sheriff, in case you shoot somebody.

My pleasure.

Which ain't very apt to happen, huh?

Can you imagine?

And then we have Mr. Jorgensen, the United States Marshal,

in case you done that shooting on government property.

I am Swede also, Hilda.

- No fooling? - Yeah, sure.

Bet you we shall have many jolly good times together, by jingle.

Four will get you six.

And last, but not least, my son Charlie,

who's been teaching this school against your arrival.

How do you do, Ms. Swandumper? Welcome to Snake City.

Oh, so you were the teacher ahead of me.

I'm actually a mining engineer by trade.

And owns a little mine of his own.

Quite a small one, I assure you.

- Silver? - Oh, no. Gold.

Oh I see...

May you call me Hilda. Why the very, the very, the very idea.

We but ain't hardly- ain't hardly ever seen you before.

Quiet the interruptions.

If I can be of any assistance whatsoever in acquainting you with our town,

its people or its schoolhouse, or any other little thing,

I am yours to command.

Stand back, varmint.

I'm about to take Ms. Hilda through our fair city and buy her a little drink.

Oh, you big wicked man. How dare you talk that way?

And it ain't going to be you, Razorback.

It's going to be the real Hilda.

How about it, cutie?

How about what? And what do you mean by calling this young lady "cutie"?

- Take it easy, son. - How dare you, sir?

Well, dog my cats, if it ain't Jo Jo the dogfaced boy.

How's everything down at the kennel, Jo Jo?

I should think you'd be ashamed of yourself, Gus Basserman.

Everybody's always trying to put me in the wrong.

- All I said was... - Now, boys, why don't you move on?

...if it ain't Jo Jo the dogfaced boy.

Oh, you missed me.

Get over there, son.

But I won't miss you, Gus.

Is your father all right?

Shut up, boys. Cut it out, gentlemen.

Stop it!

Now don't let's carry this no further, Gus,

because I don't want to have to hurt you, really.

You don't, huh?

I'll show you how much you're going to hurt me.

Now, boys. Let's talk this thing over.

You ain't going to hurt me.

You ain't never going to hurt nobody, no more.

Get me?

I ain't armed, Gus.

Take a good look, Julius.

Because it's the last thing you're ever going to...

- Who fired that shot? - Who done that?

What shot?

Dog my cats if I didn't do it unconscious.

One hundred percent unconscious.

You got a wonderful feeling of security.

With a Sheriff who can shoot like that...

Especially when he's a hundred percent unconscious.

Of course, this is just my sewing room,

but I think you'll be as snug in here as two pins in a pin cushion.

Now, here's the machine if you want your little maid to run anything up.

I suppose you sew.

It has the foot pedal. So much more convenient than the hand crank.

At least I think.

Well, now dear, you'll sleep there and your girl can...

- What is your name again, dear? - Pocahontas.

Her name is really Consuelo.

She's only half Indian.

I ain't pure.

She certainly doesn't look it. Only half, I mean.

Well, dear. Now you can sleep here on the trundle.

See how comfortable it is?

And be sure you push it back during the daytime.

After I get off it.

Naturally.

She's quite bright for an Indian, isn't she?

Well, now you'll be wanting to go down to the school.

Charlie is waiting to take you.

In the meanwhile, "Concarna" can make up the room.

And I think she'd better hang all your things out on the line.

Or maybe she'd better give them all a light washing and ironing.

I always say, there's nothing like hard work, soap and water, don't you?

I'll go down and put on a tub full.

We should have stood in jail.

The trouble hasn't even started yet. Wait 'til I start teaching school.

Wait 'til I start ironing.

Of course, we could have walked it.

But you wanted to show me your buggy.

I guess maybe I did.

It's only natural.

Did you have it sent out from the East?

Oh, yes. From Omaha.

Do tell.

You must show me your gold mine too some day.

If you don't mind going down in a bucket.

How is that again?

Well, you see, a gold mine, having no stairs,

you'd have to be lowered in a bucket.

Like the girl from Nantucket. Oh, excuse me.

How was that?

Oh, just a poem.

Is there a lot of gold in your mine?

There might be, and then again...

Oh, sure.

At the moment we're only taking out 40 ounces.

That's about $800 worth.

- A year? - Oh, no. A week.

- A week? - Oh, yes.

Well, what do you know?

Oh, here's our little church.

Would you like to see it?

I'd love to see it.

And I'd love to show it to you.

Oh, isn't this pretty?

Do you come here on Sundays?

As a matter of fact, I play the organ in it on Sundays.

No fooling?

Now, wherever did they get an organ? I mean, way out here.

As a matter of fact, I gave it to them out of the gold mine.

Now, ain't- isn't that something?

Not really. Only $65, plus freight.

Would you like to hear it?

Oh, sure.

It looks at least like a $100 one.

Thank you. That's what it said in the prospectus.

♪ In the gloaming, ♪

♪ oh, my darling, ♪

♪ when the lights ♪

♪ are dim and low. ♪

But you sing.

Oh, I do quite a lot of things besides school teach.

Shall we try it again? And you take the lead this time.

I'll try to remember it.

Is this key all right?

Oh, I wouldn't know one key from another.

Splendid.

♪ In the gloaming, ♪

♪ oh, my darling, ♪

♪ when the lights ♪

♪ are dim and low. ♪

♪ And the quiet ♪

♪ shadows falling ♪

♪ softly come ♪

♪ and softly go. ♪

♪ When the winds are ♪

♪ sobbing faintly ♪

♪ with a gentle ♪

♪ unknown woe. ♪

♪ Will you think of me ♪

♪ and love me ♪

♪ as you did ♪

♪ once long ago? ♪

♪ Will you think of me and ♪

♪ love me ♪

♪ as you did ♪

♪ once long ago? ♪

That was wonderful.

The way you sang, combined with the way you look,

combined with that perfume.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I don't know what made me do that.

Please don't cry.

Two- two Indians.

What?

Oh, the Basserman brothers.

Somebody gave them those feathers for Christmas.

I forgot to mention, they're also "eavesdrippers".

Oh, I'm glad you warned me.

Did you think it was because you kissed me I got so frightened?

Oh, I wouldn't be frightened of you, Charlie.

Thank you. Thank you, Hilda.

I wouldn't be frightened of you either.

Thank you.

Pass these down the line for me, will you Orville?

Sure, Wilbur.

5'2", blonde, very pretty, nice shape.

That's a nice size too. I sure hate them big fat ones.

Now, why does that ring some kind of bell in me?

They sure ring my bell, them little juicy ones. I remember one time...

And had a Mexican girl with her.

If them folks from Snake City hadn't all had known her so good

and where she come from and all,

I'd have swore it was that one I carried Saturday night

with that fresh little Injun gal.

She was, huh?

Told me to go suck an egg.

No fooling? I bet you told her something.

And you'll collect.

Shouldn't allow them to ride on trains at all, the way I look at it.

But then, I ain't running the government.

I'll take these down the line for you, Wilbur.

Thanks, Orville.

No trouble at all, Wilbur.

All aboard!

Yes, sir?

Snake City, please. One way.

You done perfect. Goodbye and good luck.

Thank you.

As if you'd been ringing it for years, dear.

Well, you know, practice makes perfect.

We feel the children are in good hands.

- Thank you. - The best.

Goodbye and good luck! Not that you need it.

Are you coming to school, Conchi?

I got to do a washing. Some fun, huh?

I'll drive you home.

Hilda Swandumper...

Me too.

- Thank you. - Goodbye.

Are you sure that you don't want me to stay, just for the first morning?

Well, if I'm going to handle them at all

I might as well dive right in and get it over with.

Are you sure you don't want me to stay within screaming distance?

Why should they scream? I'm not going to hurt them.

That isn't exactly what I had in mind. However,

in any case, will you take this to the desk, please, with all my good wishes?

Oh, it's beautiful.

And so sweet and thoughtful of you.

I suppose you know which end you point at your objective?

Oh, yes.

And which end you hold in your little hand?

Yes, indeed.

And how to load and unload it?

Quite.

I hope there's no danger of your hurting yourself.

Oh, I don't think so.

Somebody might get hurt, but it won't be me.

Thank you very much. And I'll see you later, Charlie.

I've tried four times now,

and I'm beginning to be just a little tired of it.

You little kids are all right. Later.

But there must be some foreigners in this room

because some of you big ones don't seem to know what I'm talking about.

Now, I don't like geology any better than you do.

But you'll learn it if it croaks you.

Also, you're going to quit talking in class, you're going to listen.

Phooey. And those of you that have-

And those of you that have been drinking and smoking

are going to be very much surprised in a very short while.

Now maybe some of you think I'm kind of little and small,

but where I come from, the bunny rabbits have teeth that long.

And howl like timberwolves!

And even the dwarves are over 6'6".

That's right, boys. Get rid of some big ones,

because they're going to be your last ones.

Now I'm going to give you all a 10 minute recess to go out and play

Only stay away from the building. I've heard enough of you.

Now beat it!

All except you two.

Wouldn't you rather stay here and play with me?

That's fine. Just go back to your desks.

And we'll have lots of fun.

Oh, goody.

Just us three.

Like yesterday, in the window.

You like to drink in class, huh?

What's- what's the difference?

Suppose I told you I didn't like it.

Other teachers told us they didn't- they didn't- they didn't like it too.

But you didn't care what the other teachers said?

That's right.

You're going to care what this teacher says.

Is that- is that so?

Or this little teacher is going to blow your little head off.

How is that?

Why don't you take another little drink?

I'll bet it would taste awful good.

- You care to join us, ma'am? - With pleasure.

Stick that cigarette in your mouth, ugly mug. You, the other one.

Now just a- just a minute.

You ain't got no- no- no right.

Stick that cigarette in your mouth. before I ram it down your throat.

Now turn and look at your brother and keep praying.

Shut up and put that ink bottle on your head.

The ink bottle?

- Go on, now. - No, no.

I'm going to tell my Daddy.

Just for that, you get the same, you rat.

Put that ink bottle on your head before I shoot your ears off.

Steady.

Now, you want me to show you like this to the other kids?

Or do you want make a little deal with me

and wash your faces and behave yourselves from now on.

And help me keep order with the other bad ones.

Because I'm about as much scared of you as I am of a pair of mosquitos.

And I've got two shots left in this thing.

Only the next time I'm not going to be so careful, you get me?

Quiet!

And now we're going to start our little lesson.

The earth is divided into three kingdoms.

The Animal, the Vegetable and the...

- The... - The Mineral!

And the Mineral, of course.

I knew you boys would work out sooner or later.

And the Mineral is called... Geology!

Now, ain't that something?

Howdy.

Oh, howdy, stranger.

Something I can do for you?

I'm looking for a young woman called Freddie Jones.

Winifred Jones.

Heard she might have dropped off in your fair city.

Last seen traveling with a little Mexican girl called Conchita.

- I'm wondering if, by any chance... - Oh, I used to know a fellow by the name of...

Freddie Jones, only we just called him plain Fred.

- No, you see this Freddie... - He died about 20 years ago.

- Well, that wouldn't have been... - Then there was Charlie Jones,

Son of Rufus B. and his wife Mary.

- Now, you see this Freddie... - Mamie, they used to call her.

Or was it Lucy?

- Well, it really doesn't matter. - I might as well get it straight.

Then of course there was Clifford Jones, now he was a...

No, no. If you had ever seen Freddie, you would never mistake her for Clifford.

That's right, you said a pretty girl.

And what a girl.

- Nice shape to her? - Fantastic.

Well, too bad I ain't seen her.

I sure enjoy a nice shape to a woman.

Well, who doesn't?

Some fun, eh?

Buenos días, señorita.

[ speaking Spanish ]

[ speaking Spanish ]

[ speaking Spanish ]

Am I sure?

But you didn't tell him I was here.

I could have stayed on the train after you got off.

I didn't tell him nothing.

I tell him I never seen him before.

I tell him to go fry himself an enchilada.

I tell him I am fresh in this country from Guatemala

and that if he think I look like anybody he know, I'm crazy.

All in Spanish, you understand.

I tell him you got off the train two stations behind

and that you have no connection with the new school teacher

who's an old bag, about 60.

What did he say?

He said he'll meet you at the school house at 8 o'clock.

I see, all in Spanish.

In perfect Spanish.

You must have fooled him completely.

- I'm not certain. - What could he want?

Look in the mirror.

Applesauce. A guy like that would never take a train for...

Wait a minute, there might be a reward.

A reward? For what?

For me, dead or alive.

Who would want you dead?

That's it, the snake.

He gets hunk with me for back there and some dough besides.

The cheap so-and-so.

Where's my gun?

Oh now, listen, please.

It's down at the school house.

You tell Charlie I went ahead. He's giving me a lesson tonight.

And have him meet me there about a quarter after.

That will give me time to take care of Mr. Blackie.

Haven't you had enough trouble?

Not with him I haven't.

Anybody here?

All right, all right.

All right.

Come in, you rat.

Good evening, Hilda Swandumper.

Why, Mr. Jorgensen.

I hope I don't interrupting.

You're certainly the last person I expected to see here tonight.

I hope you been feel good.

I've been pretty good. How have you been?

I been fine, thank you.

I hope those two jackals don't give you

too much trouble for your first day.

Those two what?

The Bassermans, them two scarecrows.

Oh no, not a bit. They were even very nice.

You must have very good influence, then,

because they are really a pair of jackals.

Jumpin' jackals.

- No, no, no. - Oh, yes they are.

You better come away from the window, you might catch cold.

Well, now, that's very sweet of you, Hilda Swandumper.

Now I'll tell you why I come to see you.

I got a letter from U.S. Marshal in Rimpau City.

In letter is reward notice.

Some young girl called Jones.

Freddie Jones. She shooted Federal Judge.

My gracious. Where'd you say she shot him?

In Rimpau City, on both sides.

Why, I never heard of such a thing.

I would like to see the way you hold a gun.

A gun?

Well, I wouldn't know any more about...

Ms. Jones supposed to be wonderful revolver shooter.

Twice, from long distance, she shoot the judge in the same shooting place.

I wouldn't know anymore about holding a gun than...

- Oh, you have nothing to be afraid of. - I don't even know which end of the trigger you...

Just let me see you hold it.

Well, all right, but if- if anything happens.

No, no, no. Not that way.

- This way. - Oh.

Is this where you put your finger?

Yeah, yeah. That is correct.

No, no, don't ever...

I'm terribly sorry, I told you not to.

I have now done my duty.

I been satisfied. And thank.

Thank you, too.

Thank you, Hilda Swandumper.

Good night.

What's all the excitement? A little pop gun bother you?

Not in the slightest.

But that wasn't a very nice thing to do to that comic.

You nearly scared him out of his accent.

How long have you been here?

I'm always early for appointments.

I've found it a very healthy habit.

- You think so. - I know so.

Good to see you, baby. And take that lip rouge.

I sure missed you.

- I didn't miss you. - Oh, yes you did.

What I can't figure is how you're getting by as Ms.

Ms. Garboswamp, or the mighty schoolmarm,

or whatever that awful name is.

You can't spell "cat."

I can spell "louse."

Very funny.

And I might know a couple of other things you don't know about.

You might, but you don't.

I know each and every one of your talents

and I cherish each and every one of them.

I see.

Have you got any other bright last remarks before I let you have it.

Before you let me have what? Oh.

You going into your act again?

Haven't you missed me enough times for one week?

I said have you got any other last remarks, you rat.

Only that I love you.

That I've always loved you. And I always will love you.

And that you look even lovelier here in the candlelight

than I remembered your looking.

Oh, shut up.

And it's pretty hard for anyone, even you,

to look better than the picture of you

I carry in my heart.

With a reward sign under it

that I don't suppose you'd happen to know anything about.

I know all about it. That's why I'm here.

- I see. - I came to warn you.

Very thoughtful of you.

I suppose that thousand dollars didn't mean anything to you at all.

Nothing at all.

You'd sell your grandmother for $40.

Well, that's an entirely different matter.

She is very old and she's not at all well preserved.

But as you, on the other hand

are the roundest, the daintiest,

the most fragrant and the most irresistible little witch

that ever flew out of a cave.

Do tell.

Even though you have the mind of a child of three

and the disposition of a tarantula.

Listen, you snake, you might as well save that applesauce

because I haven't any more feeling for you than I have for the

cheapest, the slimiest, the lowest down or the meanest

- Skunk. - Skunk.

You've already said rat, snake and louse.

Now, come on. Let's get out of here before it's too late.

This town isn't any good for us anyway.

What we need is a nice little town

with a nice little sporting element

where they enjoy a song, where they like to play a little cards.

After what you pull, I'd like to know how it's any of your business

where I stay or what I do or...

Because I make it my business, baby.

You've been all my business

ever since the first time I got a gander at you.

And until something happens to me or to you,

or to both of us, you're going to keep right on being my business.

You come any nearer and you're going to be out of business right now.

Oh, put that thing away and stop being ridiculous.

You know you're fooling with sudden death, don't you?

As a sudden death artist, you make me snicker.

You don't think I'd be parading around like this

if there was any ammunition in that cannon, do you?

You think I'm fresh off a farm?

What? You liar.

Well, pull the trigger and find out.

Now you see why it's good to be early for appointments.

They're the two live ones you had left.

You must have been missing some of your other friends.

I'd like to hit you with a nice flat rock.

Would you like me to go out and get you one?

That won't be necessary, thank you.

Why don't you stop talking like a little fathead and get ready to come along.

You know you want to.

Besides, you haven't any choice in the matter, honey.

- Haven't I? - Of course not.

I don't want to sound commercial, but

if you force me to let them know where you were...

And collect the thousand.

That would be small consolation for losing you, baby.

But it would be something.

Half a loaf is better than nothing.

Yes, sir. A big flat rock.

Not a little jagged one, that would mess up the place.

Don't be gruesome.

Or a round, lumpy one that would dent your skull in.

How you talk.

But a nice, big, smooth, flat rock.

About like this?

That's just about right.

You may fire when ready, Gridley.

You are the funniest little...

Well, he's still alive, anyway.

Yeah. What do you want us to do with him now?

Throw him in the swamp, or...

Let's just get rid of him before Charlie Hingleman gets here and...

We can throw him in old man Hingleman's forge.

And oompa, oompa, oompa, the bellows!

He'd come out like a piece of toast.

We don't need anything that fancy.

There's someone coming. I can hear footsteps.

Come on, help me put him in the closet. Hurry up.

Yes, ma'am.

Hurry up.

Come on, lift him up.

Oh, yes, ma'am.

It's locked. Do you have a key?

No.

Then we better take him with us.

No, no, no. Put him under the desk.

One, two, three!

You didn't have to break every bone in his body.

Now get out of here.

- We'll be watching outside. - For the next one.

Beat it!

Come in, Charlie.

All ready for our little arithmetic lesson, I hope?

- I hope I'm not late, because... - Anything but.

If you'd been one minute sooner

you would have been a couple of minutes too soon.

I'm sorry I had to come on ahead.

I hope you weren't afraid, I mean being way out here alone for so long.

You're never really alone, you know, with the owl, the bat,

The Nightjar.

Yes, yes. Caprimulgus europaeus, or goatsucker.

I hope your first day wasn't too hard

with those two human buzzards disguised as schoolchildren.

- I mean the Bassermans. - No, no, no.

Don't even think of it. Ah, ah, ah, this is a friend.

How was that?

They were even very helpful.

I'm relieved to know it, because of all the cold-blooded cutthroats I've ever known

wakeful or in my dreams, they take the meat-ax.

No, no, no, no!

I have the most peculiar feeling that you're talking to somebody else.

But I know you can't be, since we're obviously alone.

- But I have that peculiar feeling anyway. - Maybe something you ate.

Strix vulgaris, or Bubo virginianus.

If it is the great horned owl, he can probably see you from his perch,

and is telling the night how beautiful you are.

That's very kind of you, Charlie.

But if we're going to talk along those lines, let's take a little walk.

Did you hear that?

No, what?

Felis concolor, the American Puma. It sounded almost as if...

There it is.

- There it is again. - Oh, I didn't hear anything.

You must be a little deaf. It's practically in this room.

It's a bear! Ursus americanus.

- A bear? - It's a bear, not a mouse.

Well, I'm getting ready to run.

Wait a minute, how could it be a bear?

- Let's not find out. - We mustn't be ridiculous.

- I don't mind. - Where's your gun?

Right on the desk. I mean, I don't know where it is.

- I'll get it. - He might bite you.

Come on.

I had such different plans for tonight.

I suppose you had.

What was that?

It's near the schoolhouse. Somebody must have shot that bear.

- Come on. - Are you sure that...

I'm positive. Come on.

Try to hit me with a rock, will you?

You dirty little badger.

Better men than you have tried to...

- Aren't those... - The Basserman Boys.

Are they still breathing?

I don't think so.

Poor little doggies, they weren't so bad.

Who do you suppose could have killed them?

Not that lots of people didn't have plenty of reason to.

I guess I did.

You did? You were right with me, all the time.

I know. I mean, in a way,

there are a lot of things you don't understand, Charlie.

We'd better go and tell somebody. The Sheriff, I guess.

Not that it'll do much good now.

I don't understand.

I know you don't. And I'll explain it all to you someday.

Just don't make me explain it all to you now. I feel sick.

Now, just a minute, just a minute. Let's get together here.

Everybody talking at once.

I'll conduct the investigation if it's all the same to you, Julius.

Why, certainly Sheriff.

I mean, we don't get so many shootings around here.

I was just trying to be helpful.

I know, but we must be logical about this.

Now, who in town would want to shoot the Basserman Boys?

Practically everybody.

What is this terrible calamity I hear?

What calamity?

It was the little Basserman Boys, blown to mincemeat by

some person or persons unknown.

Dear little Basserman Boys.

Aren't you exagerrating a little?

Dr. Schultz has gone to bring back their bodies.

Did they have a mother?

I buried her.

Now, where did you say the "corpeses" was?

In front of the schoolhouse.

Half on the porch, half off the porch, wasn't it?"

That's right.

One with his face looking down and one with his face looking up.

- Ain't it? - That's right.

- They ain't there. - They ain't there?

- Absolutely not. - Jumpin' Jerusalem.

I knew I should have gone out there myself.

Every time I trust anything to you, I...

Listen! If I tell you the corpuses ain't there, there is no corpses.

Delicti, or any other kind.

All we found was this.

Now you're putting fingerprints on it.

I'm supposed to handle it with my teeth, maybe, like a dog?

Ain't this the gun I give you, Charlie, when you was 21,

that you never learned to shoot?

- Now we're getting some place. - Yes, but I...

He gave it to me.

- Oh, ho. - Oh, ho, what?

Now, hold your horses, Ike.

This is the lethal weapon.

The what weapon?

Stop lisping, will you? I can't understand you.

You killed my boys, huh?

First you broke my wife's heart,

then you tried to drive me out of town, and now you killed my boys?

Who done it?

Come on, spit it out!

Keep an eye on them, they'd just as soon shoot me.

Keep your hair on, Gus.

We feel just as bad about this as you do, just the same.

You can save that hogwash. Who killed my sons?

- Now, just a minute. - Shut up, you.

That's what we're trying to find out, Gus. That's what we're here for.

Where are they at?

You don't have to try and hide them from me.

I'll bury them myself.

And I'll bury some of the rest of you if you don't tell me who done it.

- That's a good one. - Shut your maw!

We don't know who done it, Gus.

Now we don't even know where the bodies is.

My son seen them and examined them at the schoolhouse, but now they're gone.

What do you mean, they're gone?

Why should they be gone?

What kind of a cock and bull story is that?

Wait a minute.

Why are you trying to hide them from me, you drunken buzzard?

- Where are my sons? - Take your hands off me.

What's so sacred about you?

Why is Mr. Hingleman's son so much better than Mr. Basserman's sons?

You mustn't put your hands on Mr. Hingleman's son.

But Mr. Basserman's sons,

You can take them out and shoot them like dogs.

and then throw them out on the swill pile.

Whose gun is that?

Is that what done it? Whose gun is that?

Oh, don't get excited, Gus.

- Now just a minute, Mr. Basserman... - What are you going to say about it?

- Leave her alone. - You diseased little...

I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Basserman. I didn't know your boys very well,

I just met them today. But I liked them, I really did.

And- and that's my gun.

Oh, it is, is it?

- Take your hands off the lady. - What lady?

Why, you drunken sod. I gave her the gun.

Oh, you did, did you?

Get out of here, I warned you.

You will, will you?

Stop that! Get in back of me.

What's going on here?

I command that you stop.

Be careful, Ms...

Get out of my way.

Look out!

Miserable thing, go on...

...everybody who can hold a gun.

Where are they?

...the front of the house.

Hurry, men, hurry.

Come on!

What's all the shooting for?

Yeah, can we shoot too?

- I guess so. - Oh, goody-goody gumdrops.

Oh, wait a minute.

What's the matter?

What's the matter? It's on account of you we're shooting.

What do you mean by pretending to be dead, you dirty little rats?

That's so he wouldn't shoot us.

He was standing right there all the time

when you and Charlie Hingleman come over.

Who was standing right there?

That big Blackie.

- While you were there? - Yeah.

He was going to blow- blow- blow us to pieces.

To pieces.

So we stopped breathing.

What's all the shooting? Where's the fight?

Right here, brother.

You like you'd had one already.

Just fire through that window over there. You got a gun?

- Must have lost it. - Here, take one of mine.

Just fire through that window, right over there.

Hit anything you can see.

Now, get that horse ready.

Stop firing.

Stop! Stop firing, Mr. Hingleman. Look!

Look! Look!

- Quiet. - Stop!

What is it? Shut up.

Listen. Look here.

Stop, stop.

Stop, stop.

...will be a pole, so come on.

How are you?

Now,

pick this thing up and hold it in front of us, if you can.

Come on.

Well, well.

You got the son, huh?

Take him up in the hay loft and hang him out the window.

And give them something to shoot at.

How do you want him hanged, Gus? Upside down, by his- how?

What's the matter with the usual way?

They took mine. A son for a son.

- String him up. - Come on, you.

Come on.

We'll bring Charlie back or kill the whole bunch of them.

Who's going to do the shooting? I ain't that good.

I'll do the shooting.

- Oh, you been can? - You said it, I been can.

Go on, bird brain. Come on.

Would you mind?

- Come on. Hurry up, will you? - Just a minute.

- Oh, no Hilda, I was... - Never mind.

Hey, wait a minute. What are we shooting at her for?

Her? That bimbo started all the trouble.

Wait a minute. I'm- I must be on the wrong side.

Oh, you are, are you?

Oh, you would, would you?

Calm down, will you, pal? Take it easy.

You wouldn't shoot me down in cold blood like a rat, would you?

Oh, yes I would.

Cut it out, will you?

You didn't think that way about the people out there. Take that!

You would, would you? You would, would you?

Hey!

What's the matter, chief?

Caught a spy. Just watch what I'm going to do to him.

Come on, get it over with.

Ain't supposed to do that, chief. You're supposed to hang spies.

Are you?

It's more dishonorable that way.

- Oh. - Why don't you finish it?

Take him up and hang him with the other one, then.

We got to do things proper.

- What's that? - Where?

There, right out of the barn loft.

Charlie!

- Give me that other gun. - Hurry. Hurry, hurry.

- Here comes another one. - Where?

Blackie!

- Hurry, Hilda. Hurry. - Shut up.

Steady, Freddie. Steady. You got plenty of time.

It takes a man minutes to strangle.

Don't go pulling that trigger, honey.

Just do like Grandpa said. Squeeze the hand,

squeeze the whole hand like a bag of dead...

Wonderful, Hilda!

And now for you, you rat!

Steady, now. Just a nice, easy squeeze like a bag full of dead...

Are you all right, boys?

Charlie! Charlie!

Put that down here.

And you, you rat.

Open your eyes, will you?

I tell you it broke. Nobody could shoot that good.

Open your eyes, Blackie.

Or stick out your tongue or do anything, will you?

Just to let me know that you're alive.

Will you?

Wait a minute, Gus. Ain't them your boys down there?

Well, what about it?

Ain't that what we're fighting for?

Well, doggone if it ain't. I plumb forgot.

I'll make a flag.

What are you doing?

Just one more for luck.

Open up. Open up.

And how are my bouncing boys?

And how is this one?

Making mountains out of "moleskins," like they all do.

Imagine giving up a gold mine for a tramp like this.

What can you see in him, anyway?

I don't know. Probably the way his hair curls around his ears.

I guess that's it. It's probably why I fell for him in the first place.

I guess.

- Oh, hello, Mr. Jorgensen. - Hello.

I didn't know you were standing there.

I'm sure glad to see you looking so good.

I been feeling pretty good, thank you.

Ms. Jones.

I been terribly sorry, Ms. Jones,

but I been think we been taking little trip together.

To Rimpau City.

I been think you been shooting too good for Swede.

I get you, Mr. Jorgensen.

You should have left them both hanging up there.

The more you do for these tramps, the more you get it in the end.

But why did you have to shoot him down, Freddie? I said "shoot."

Tipped your mitt, again.

Couldn't you have done it with an ax, or a jackknife?

Where's Blackie?

I don't know, I suppose his...

Isn't that lobster even going to come over and see me take the rap?

- Won't you sit here, madame? - Merci.

Merci beaucoup.

Hello, darling.

How you feel, Freddie? Glad to see you.

Order in court. Everyone rise and remove their hats.

How do you do, Your Honor? I'm sure glad to see- I sure hope you feel good.

I feel great. I've been looking forward to this moment.

Why don't you look where you're going?

I am looking where I'm going. If I only had my stronger glasses.

Pick up your stuff.

Shut up, sit down and keep quiet.

Now, let's get this thing over with.

I don't want to sit no longer than I have to.

Everybody knows who did the shootings, who got shot,

both times, and where the alleged crime occurred.

What do I mean, alleged? So call your witnesses.

Your Honor, before this case goes any further,

I'd like to ask Your Honor one favor.

Well, make it a quick one.

I will not even attempt to tell Your Honor

about the wonderful courage displayed by this young woman

while this other rube and I were hanging,

by our necks outside this bandit's loft.

Our breath came in short pants. Our faces turned purple.

Our eyes bulged out like pool balls.

Our tongues were down to here.

But she kept on, through the avalanche of bullets,

the rain of lead,

coolly and calmly, and shot us down without anymore fuss than if...

She'd been shooting at me.

You don't mean that, Your Honor.

You'd have been proud of her, just as I am.

And that other time, when you got nicked a little...

Nicked a little?

You have a talent for understatement that is...

Oh, I know it's always worse to be the recipient.

That's just where I got it, too. You ought to feel my recipient.

I'm sure of it, Your Honor. But it was all a mistake,

and if anybody's to blame, I am to blame.

Very noble, but it isn't going to get you anywhere.

I don't expect it to, Your Honor.

All I'm trying to do is to tell Your Honor the truth,

and ask one favor,

before the court convenes and this unfortunate young woman is...

The court is already convened.

And you're turning out to be quite a blabbermouth.

If you think you're going to talk this blonde assassin out of a sentence,

you've got another think coming.

Because I am going to stick her in a dungeon so deep and full of rats,

that when they go to find her, all they'll find

is a little bundle of bones and a bag of dried skin.

I know that, Your Honor.

I know what you're going to do.

And I wouldn't even try to change Your Honor's mind,

because I know it can't be changed.

All I ask is that, before you do it to her,

you give me the one chance to make amends,

and show how sincere I feel about her.

And join us in holy wedlock.

Join you in holy wedlock?

Why, the dirty- well, what do you know?

Oh, no you don't.

You ain't going to get her out of this with anything that simple.

I know it's hard for Your Honor to understand.

Because compared to people like Your Honor...

We probably look like kind of terrible people.

I mean, being gamblers and shills.

And singers, and things like that.

But- but way down deep, Your Honor...

We're just the same as anybody else, Your Honor.

We dream of little white cottages.

With little white picket fences running around them.

In the twilight.

I was going to say the moonlight, Your Honor.

The twilight's just as good, don't be fussy.

And crickets chirping in the trees.

And don't forget the pitter-patter of little baby feet.

Oh, we haven't, Your Honor.

We're crazy about them.

Lots and lots of them.

Paints a very pretty picture.

You think you could really put up with this long drink of ink?

Oh- oh, he's not so bad, Your Honor. He's not so bad as he looks.

I mean, way down deep, he's about as true and faithful as a...

As a two dollar trumpet.

Don't go any further. You're breaking my heart.

And I suppose you are madly in love with this bag full of trouble.

Way down deep, I mean, of course.

And are champing at the bit to love, honor, protect and support her

in a style to which she is totally unaccustomed.

Answer yes or no.

She's not so bad, Your Honor. Way down deep, I mean.

I'm a lardhead to do this, and I'll probably regret it the rest of my life,

but I'm considering, only considering, mind you,

Suspending sentence, in this case, and...

Oh, Your Honor.

Shut up, I've heard enough out of you.

Has anybody got a ring in the house?

Oh, Your Honor.

You can have mine.

I do not need it anymore.

Pardon.

Gee, that's terribly kind of you.

It's nothing.

I have nothing to remember and I don't want to remember anything.

It came from Paris, for luck.

Oh, gee, that's awful sweet of you.

Darling, this is LaBelle Bergere.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

You are a lucky girl.

I guess I am, way down deep.

A handsome dog.

I suppose so, if you look at him in the right light.

- And what a dancer. - Yeah.

And how do you know?

Oh, how do I know?

One can imagine these things, no?

No, not with him you can't.

So that's the kind of poker you play while I'm spending the night in the calaboose.

Now, wait a minute, honey, I was only passing a little time.

Yeah, now I know who you were passing it with,

you two-faced, triple-timing...

Now, take it easy, will you, baby?

Now, wait a minute. Is this any way to...

Cut it out, will you, baby?

As for you, you cross-eyed...

Wait a minute, honey.

Oh, if I just had a gun.

Look out!

Stop that, Freddie.

- Ain't you learned your lesson? - Give me that gun.

Stop that. Order in the court!

Don't give it to her, Sheriff, don't give it to her.

Look out!

Order in the court!

Let me have it.

Hold it!

Look out! Look out!

Look out!

Say it ain't so.

Tell me it didn't happen.

When it comes to him, you never miss.

Oh, no. No.

Well, here we go again. Three times for luck, I always say.

♪ Oh, that beautiful blonde from Bashful Bend, ♪

♪ never did learn to keep a friend. ♪

♪ She'd give them a start, then shoot them in the end, ♪

♪ shoot them in the end, ♪

♪ that hard-tootin', free-bootin', six-shootin' beautiful blonde, ♪

♪ that beautiful blonde from Bashful Bend. ♪