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1
00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:06,520
OK, boys, watch this.
2
00:00:06,520 --> 00:00:08,440
Mammoth!
3
00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:12,280
HE YELLS
4
00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:16,160
Well, nearly there.
5
00:00:16,160 --> 00:00:19,520
I wanted to get you a special early
birthday present, ahead of Friday.
6
00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:21,840
44 years, I missed out on
being your dad.
7
00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:25,600
Deserves - ooh, careful -
a special gift.
8
00:00:25,600 --> 00:00:27,320
How are you feeling?
9
00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:31,640
Like I'm in Guantanamo Bay. Ooh!
Guantanamo Bay.
10
00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:34,320
I've never been,
but it sounds exotic.
11
00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:35,520
You ready?
12
00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:38,600
Ta-da-a-a-a-a!
13
00:00:41,320 --> 00:00:43,040
Why are we at the council?
14
00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:46,160
You changed my name?
15
00:00:46,160 --> 00:00:48,360
To Melanie Mammoth? Mm-hm.
16
00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:50,320
It's official now.
Without asking me?
17
00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:51,480
Surprise!
18
00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:53,920
Yes! It is a surprise.
I mean, how...?
19
00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:56,280
Surely I have to authorise it?
20
00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:57,760
Told them you're in a coma.
21
00:00:57,760 --> 00:00:58,920
Easy.
22
00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:01,280
Plus I'm a teacher,
they let you sign anything.
23
00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:03,000
So, what do you think?
24
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:06,440
Get me a name change form,
and drive me back home.
25
00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:07,480
Now.
26
00:01:10,360 --> 00:01:11,720
Gone the wrong way...
27
00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:17,120
LOUD POP, SHE SCREAMS
Happy birthday!
28
00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:18,520
Happy birthday!
29
00:01:57,560 --> 00:02:00,520
Oh... Wow, thanks for these, Mel.
30
00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:02,360
I may have missed out on your
childhood,
31
00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:04,000
but this is like I was there.
32
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:05,720
Foreign holiday?
33
00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:07,640
Looks nice, where's that,
Torremolinos?
34
00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:09,720
No, that's Egypt.
Those are the pyramids. Mm-hm.
35
00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:12,040
Lovely one of you and your mam,
splashing around.
36
00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:15,280
One of just your mam, There.
Looking lovely. Lovely, lovely.
37
00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:18,080
Really knew how... to fill a bikini,
doesn't she?
38
00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:19,280
Can I take this one?
39
00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:22,520
You're supposed to be looking at my
childhood, not perving over my mum.
40
00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:23,840
So that's a...? No!
41
00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:31,720
Oh, at last, something sporty.
Little you on a horse.
42
00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:33,720
Oh, yeah!
43
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,520
That was in North Wales.
44
00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:37,080
I used to love horse riding.
45
00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:39,360
My dad always used to think
it was a bit too dangerous.
46
00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:40,680
Stepdad, technically.
47
00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:42,280
Sounds like a bit of a killjoy.
48
00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:47,680
That's him, is it? That's Frank? The
cuckoo in the nest?
49
00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:50,120
That's my dad, yes. Stepdad.
50
00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:51,880
Shoulders like an aspirin bottle.
51
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,520
Christmas Day, and where's Frank?
52
00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:56,000
Nowhere to be seen, can't be
arsed to spend it with his family.
53
00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:58,120
Grandad used to go to a soup kitchen
on Christmas Day
54
00:02:58,120 --> 00:03:00,600
to feed the homeless, Grandad.
55
00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:04,680
Well, your real dad's here now.
Thanks for this. Precious memories.
56
00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:06,880
I'll know if that bikini photo's
not there.
57
00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:10,360
Precious, precious memories.
58
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:14,160
We'll make some new ones.
Starting Friday.
59
00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:16,760
Big party. How did you know
about that? Theo said.
60
00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:20,240
Yeah, well...
61
00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:22,080
You're probably busy, Mammoth.
62
00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:24,320
Call me Dad, and I'm never too
busy for my little girl.
63
00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:26,680
Except for Wednesday,
I've got a classic car meeting.
64
00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:30,080
And Thursday, me and Roger
are going to go and see a band
pretend to be Hot Chocolate.
65
00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:32,520
What is it? A disco?
No, it's just birthday drinks.
66
00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:35,240
Me and a few colleagues.
You'd probably find it boring.
67
00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:38,400
It does sound boring. Yeah.
BUT...I'LL come anyway.
68
00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:40,840
I'll make it fun, make it special.
69
00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:42,200
Fine.
70
00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:45,000
Just no more surprises, OK?
71
00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:47,240
And you don't have
to keep trying to be my dad.
72
00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:53,640
As if this Frank bloke was even
half the dad I'd have been.
73
00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:54,760
What do you think?
74
00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:57,400
I think you need to stop trying to
one-up a dead man.
75
00:03:57,400 --> 00:03:58,800
Give your daughter some space
76
00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:01,160
and wait for her to be
ready to get to know you.
77
00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:03,520
Who asked you? You did!
78
00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:05,120
What can I do, Barry, win her over?
79
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:08,480
What I'd do is change her name
by deed poll
80
00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:10,280
so she's Melanie Mammoth.
81
00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:13,120
Yeah, we did that yesterday, Barry,
remember? It was disastrous.
82
00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:14,360
You were there.
83
00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:18,520
As stimulating as this conversation
is, I've got to go.
84
00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:21,000
The animal therapy woman's in today.
85
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:22,560
The lovely Andrea.
86
00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:24,720
Any closer to actually talking
to her this week?
87
00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:27,200
Slow and steady wins the race.
88
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:30,080
No offence, though, mate,
you're running out of track.
89
00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:31,720
You might want to get a move on.
90
00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:33,920
I know what'll help you pull her,
Roger -
91
00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:37,480
why don't you change her name
by deed poll?
92
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:38,520
And I'm leaving.
93
00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:41,640
I should make a move too.
94
00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:44,520
Supposed to be in a lesson.
95
00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:46,520
TAPE: Six, seven, eight and kick!
96
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:49,440
And kick! Come on, work those arms!
97
00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:51,760
And side to side.
98
00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:55,000
Really move those hips, that's it.
Raise the heartbeat.
99
00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:57,960
Sweat, feel the...
100
00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,080
I can't believe you just
left a tape playing!
101
00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:02,680
I had to pop out for five minutes,
what's the big deal?
102
00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:05,760
They're 16. They could get married
in Scotland.
103
00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:07,160
Just don't do it again.
104
00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:09,480
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Listen, I'm glad you're here.
105
00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:11,120
Bit of woman's perspective.
106
00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:13,600
Roger reckons I should give Mel
some space. What do you think?
107
00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:15,840
I think it's not a school matter,
108
00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:18,240
but, yes, that sounds like
good advice.
109
00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:21,080
Well, you're not exactly an expert
on being a parent, though, are you?
110
00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:23,360
Actually, I've been doing a lot
of research
111
00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:26,040
because me and Suzi are having
a baby. Well, good luck.
112
00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:28,440
Think we'll have a little chat
about the birds and the bees -
113
00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:31,360
two birds cannot make a bee.
Yes, they can. How?
114
00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:33,840
We're having IVF.
Or we're supposed to be having it.
115
00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:37,160
What's IVF? It's basically making
a baby in a lab.
116
00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:41,920
Huh? It's when a man donates his
sperm, but... our donor pulled out.
117
00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:44,080
Before he finished?
That's unprofessional.
118
00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:47,000
I mean, we've all done it, you
know? No, there's no sex involved.
119
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:48,720
Just... Just sperm.
120
00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:50,960
Anyway, we need to find a new donor.
121
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:55,160
Leave it to me, I'll sort it out.
That really won't be necessary.
122
00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:57,480
You know, I can't help thinking,
123
00:05:57,480 --> 00:06:00,200
if I'd been a dad for Mel
instead of that bloody Frank bloke,
124
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:02,920
Theo might have turned out a bit
more normal. He's fine.
125
00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:05,960
Yeah, but he's not a real bloke,
though, is he? I worry about him.
126
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:08,880
He's not into cars or drinking or
rugby.
127
00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:14,760
Don't worry, it's never too late to
teach a young man toxic masculinity.
128
00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:16,160
Do you know what? You're right.
129
00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:18,400
I am going to teach him
about masculinity, yeah.
130
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:21,120
Start fixing Frank's mess.
Win Mel over.
131
00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:22,320
I said "toxic" masculinity.
132
00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:24,480
Yeah, yeah, whatever fancy name
it's got these days,
133
00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:27,560
I think we both agree it's a good
thing. I owe you one.
134
00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:29,840
BELL RINGS
135
00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:31,280
Ooh! You're coming with me.
136
00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:35,920
But I've got a French exam. A French
exam? Grow up. Come on, let's go.
137
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:39,000
Where are we going? Out, Theo.
138
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:40,720
Teach you how to be a man.
139
00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:42,680
Something Frank couldn't be
bothered to do.
140
00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:45,800
Lesson one - always help out your
friends.
141
00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:47,640
Get in, we're going to the
newsagent.
142
00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,320
Grandad, you left your car running.
143
00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:51,840
Always keep the car running.
Keeps the engine warm.
144
00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:55,040
What about the environment?
Theo, this car is 50 years old.
145
00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:57,960
I'm saving the environment by not
having a new one built from scratch.
146
00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:00,880
Every second this car turns over,
I'm saving the planet.
147
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:05,080
Never thought of it like that.
You could get an electric car?
148
00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:09,240
Lesson two, this is the real world,
not Scalextric.
149
00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:10,280
Get in.
150
00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:21,680
Hey-hey! This is the life, eh, Theo?
151
00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:24,280
Me and you, like Bodie and Doyle
on the open road.
152
00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:25,680
Bet Frank never did this.
153
00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:28,640
Took me out of school, no.
He thought education was important.
154
00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:31,120
Too much hassle to have fun
with his grandson.
155
00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:32,600
Well, your real grandad's here now.
156
00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:33,880
Are you courting?
157
00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:35,960
You mean seeing anyone? Then no.
158
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:39,840
Have I got the thing for you. Lesson
three, smell is the most powerful
159
00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:41,480
and primitive of all the senses.
160
00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:43,360
Take the wheel.
THEO YELPS
161
00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:44,440
Ooh, OK...
162
00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:46,600
Look at that - best
cologne collection known to man.
163
00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:49,040
Help yourself,
you'll have the girls all over you.
164
00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:52,200
Or boys. I know how the birds
and bees work these days.
165
00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:54,080
Doesn't have to be one bird,
one bee.
166
00:07:54,080 --> 00:07:56,560
It could be two birds. Or two bees.
167
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,680
I mean, it could be two bees
and one bird.
168
00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:01,760
Ideally, it'd be two birds, one bee
169
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:03,360
and I'm the bee,
if you get what I mean.
170
00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:05,520
SCREECHING, HONKING
Car!
171
00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:06,560
Good lad.
172
00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:08,760
MAMMOTH SIGHS HAPPILY
173
00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:11,200
Lesson four, never skip lunch.
174
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:12,800
What do you feel like? Wimpy?
175
00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:15,320
Spudulike? Little Chef?
176
00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:17,160
What about Mexican?
177
00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:18,480
We could go drive-thru.
178
00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:20,440
What?!
179
00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:22,120
Hello, can I take your order?
180
00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:25,160
Lesson five,
opportunities are everywhere.
181
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:29,000
What can I get you?
How about your phone number, over?
182
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:30,400
Just things from the menu.
183
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:32,520
What do you recommend, over?
184
00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:33,840
Things from the menu.
185
00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:36,680
Just two number one meals with
a Coke, please, and...
186
00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:39,240
...sorry, he's from the past.
187
00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:40,400
Next window.
188
00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:42,560
My next window's tomorrow night.
Over.
189
00:08:42,560 --> 00:08:45,880
Grandad,
just drive to the next window.
190
00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:46,960
Bye!
191
00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:53,200
Plenty more fish in the sea.
192
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,280
Lesson six - be adaptable.
193
00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,520
UNDER HIS BREATH: Yeah, you're great
at that...
194
00:08:57,520 --> 00:08:59,760
Your colleague in the box back
there, bit moody.
195
00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:01,760
I wouldn't be moody
if I got to spend my days
196
00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:03,640
working with a beautiful
woman like you.
197
00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:06,120
Tony Mammoth. And you are...?
198
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:07,400
9.80.
199
00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:12,240
Here's £10. Keep the change.
200
00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:14,400
Obviously you're a big fan of
Mexican culture.
201
00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:17,360
What if I told you I spent
the Mexico 1970 World Cup with
202
00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:20,040
Mr Gustavo Pena?
203
00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:21,400
I'm really sorry.
204
00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:25,880
Can you move along to
the collection window please?
205
00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:27,360
Can I get a phone number?
206
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:36,160
0-7-6-5-4-3.
207
00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:38,760
Easy to remember. I'll call you.
208
00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:40,320
Gracias.
209
00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:42,640
Lesson seven. Never give up.
210
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,560
What is it? I'm in the middle of a
lesson.
211
00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:52,440
There's a gentleman here to see you.
212
00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:54,880
I'm here about the advert
213
00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:57,560
in the newsagent's window.
214
00:09:57,560 --> 00:09:59,920
Sorry, what are you talking about?
215
00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:05,480
Young woman looking for sperm.
216
00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:07,360
No time wasters.
217
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:10,160
Please contact Lucy Jenkins
at Nowlan High School.
218
00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:13,280
You can't be serious.
219
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:16,360
I know I look old, but Des
O'Connor became a dad at 72.
220
00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:18,920
Al Pacino is 83.
221
00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:21,920
All right, can you leave now?
Or I'm calling the police.
222
00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:23,800
What should I tell the others?
223
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:24,960
All of you!
224
00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:31,520
Ta-ra, boys!
225
00:10:31,520 --> 00:10:34,480
Is your mum looking forward to her
birthday?
226
00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:36,000
44, eh?
227
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,080
44 years without me in her life.
228
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:39,520
Did she miss me?
229
00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:42,040
She had no idea you existed.
230
00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:44,880
Does she call me Dad when she talks
to you about me?
231
00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:46,720
She doesn't really talk about you
much.
232
00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:49,640
But when she does, though?
No, never.
233
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,720
All right, come on.
234
00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:52,760
Let's go.
235
00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:57,440
TYRES SQUEAL, HORN BLARES
236
00:10:57,440 --> 00:10:59,320
Look at this berk!
237
00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:02,120
Give him the Vs. I don't really do
conflict. It makes me feel sick.
238
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:04,520
I can do thumbs up. This is Frank's
doing. Lesson eight -
239
00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:06,120
a man never backs down.
240
00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:08,240
What do you do when someone
confronts you?
241
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:11,000
Fake an asthma attack or cry.
I'm a really good crier.
242
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:14,000
Well, you're a Mammoth now, so give
him the Vs.
243
00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:18,640
Good lad. Stand up to a bully.
244
00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:21,600
You'll soon realise
they're all talk.
245
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:23,280
Do it again, you little shit.
246
00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:24,880
I'm going to be sick. OK.
247
00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:27,160
Everyone just needs to calm
down a little bit, OK?
248
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:28,920
What did you do that for, Theo?
249
00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:30,680
Because you told me to.
250
00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:33,160
Oh, aye? Getting the kid to fight
your battles for you?
251
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,040
Oh, someone wants to dance.
252
00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:37,120
You messed with the wrong
hombre, amigo.
253
00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:39,080
I'm a Mammoth. And Mammoths are
fighters.
254
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:41,080
I thought they were all PE teachers.
Yeah,
255
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:42,680
PE teachers who love to fight.
256
00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:44,200
Go and get some napkins, Theo.
257
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:46,720
Going to be a bit of blood
to mop up.
258
00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:48,640
How many napkins do you want?
259
00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:50,960
Don't actually get the napkins.
260
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:53,440
Trying to teach this chancer a
lesson.
261
00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:56,360
Are you sure this is a good idea,
Grandad? He's massive.
262
00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:59,320
Size doesn't mean anything.
It's in the film Get Carter.
263
00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:01,480
AS MICHALE CAINE: "He's a big man,
but he's out of..."
264
00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:03,280
Shit. Get in the car.
265
00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:04,720
HE GROWLS
266
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:06,360
Er, no, we shouldn't do this.
267
00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:08,240
Not in front of the kid, you know?
268
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:09,640
HE GASPS
269
00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:10,880
What's wrong with him?
270
00:12:10,880 --> 00:12:12,560
Oh, asthma attack.
271
00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:14,240
Looks like a bad one as well.
272
00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:16,400
Have to get him to the hospital.
273
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:17,880
Bollocks!
274
00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:20,520
I was looking forward to a bloody
good straightener with you,
275
00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:22,320
but I can't leave him like that,
276
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:24,720
so maybe next time.
277
00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:26,160
Bye!
278
00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:30,000
THEY LAUGH
279
00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:34,680
Lesson nine - sometimes a man
needs to use his brain.
280
00:12:34,680 --> 00:12:37,240
Exactly what I've been trying
to teach you. No, it isn't.
281
00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:38,600
It's the exact opposite of
282
00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:41,200
what you've been trying to teach.
Exactly. Exactly what?
283
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:44,200
I don't know. Lesson 11 - don't ask
too many questions.
284
00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:46,680
What happened to Lesson 10?
You're doing it now!
285
00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:52,880
See you tomorrow.
286
00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:54,720
You've had more visitors.
287
00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:59,040
All of you, out!
288
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:11,080
And he's not a bad lad, you know,
chip off the old block.
289
00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:15,560
But just need to shake off the weak
influence of that Frank.
290
00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:17,520
Jab, Roge. Use your shoulders.
291
00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:19,480
Put your shoulder into it.
292
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:21,960
Ah, come on. Give it to me. Give me
the... Oh! Sit down.
293
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:28,400
Haven't seen my duck, have you?
294
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:32,520
Mammoth, this is Andrea, the animal
therapist.
295
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:34,640
Oh! Therapist for ducks.
296
00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:35,880
How does that work?
297
00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:38,440
Fly down to the couch and tell us
about life as a little egg?
298
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:41,040
I bring my animals here
to sit with people.
299
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:43,600
Helps with some of the lonelier
residents.
300
00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:46,120
Andrea is a saint,
she really is.
301
00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:47,400
Oh, don't, Roger.
302
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:49,120
QUACKING
303
00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:52,400
Oh, that sounds an awful
lot like Mr Waddles. Excuse me.
304
00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:56,480
Still nothing?
305
00:13:56,480 --> 00:14:00,640
Ah, she's a wonderful woman,
but she doesn't seem to notice me.
306
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,320
Stop the game, Doreen.
307
00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:06,840
Where's the old Roger charm?
308
00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:09,400
Same place as the old Roger hair
309
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:12,520
and the old Roger left testicle -
gone.
310
00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:15,680
Anyway, I hardly ever get
a chance to talk to her.
311
00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:17,880
She's too busy helping people.
312
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:21,840
Andrea, word please.
313
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:25,800
He'll kill me for this.
He's a proud, proud man.
314
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:28,360
But Roger's lonely.
315
00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:30,240
Really? Very lonely.
316
00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:31,560
Sad to see.
317
00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:33,120
I knew in his prime.
318
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:34,880
Big smile. Big hair.
319
00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:36,480
Big bloke.
320
00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:38,120
Now look at him. Just a husk.
321
00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:39,440
This is getting quite hurtful.
322
00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:41,120
Where's it going?
323
00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:43,440
He hates admitting it,
but it's true.
324
00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:45,560
Tell her how lonely you feel.
325
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:49,200
Really lonely. Really lonely.
326
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:51,520
Told me you feel like a canary
in a cage, didn't you?
327
00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:54,520
Staring yourself in that mirror,
sometimes squawking to yourself.
328
00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:56,080
Squawk, squawk.
329
00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:58,080
Er, yes, apparently I did.
330
00:14:58,080 --> 00:15:00,160
And you know what happens to these
loners?
331
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:02,640
You've seen Travis Bickle? Taxi
Driver, 1976.
332
00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:05,640
Great film. "You talkin' to me?
You talkin' to me?"
333
00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:08,640
I would never forgive myself
if Roger turned violent,
334
00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:11,320
even if he was trying to rescue
young Jodie Foster.
335
00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:13,600
Cybill Shepherd's in that film,
isn't she?
336
00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:16,040
Now there's a woman. Where's this
going?
337
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,240
Oh, yeah. What I'm saying is I
think it'd be
338
00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:20,640
good for Roger if you spend a bit of
time with him
339
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:22,880
one-on-one. You know, you and the
animals.
340
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,400
Oh, Roger.
341
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,560
I'd no idea.
342
00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:28,240
Of course!
343
00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:32,720
I'm finishing for the day now,
but I'll be back tomorrow.
344
00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:37,320
Eh? Job done.
345
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:39,680
Get back over there, you randy
old sod.
346
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:42,240
Come on, Doreen.
347
00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:48,120
HE GRUNTS
348
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:57,200
Eye of the tiger, Doreen.
349
00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:59,080
Whoa!
350
00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:01,360
Ain't going to be no rematch.
351
00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:05,360
So I said, "How does that work?
352
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:07,880
"Fly down on a couch and tell us
about life as a little egg?"
353
00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:09,160
Everyone laughed.
354
00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:17,000
Oh, and I got Mel her own CB
radio for a birthday.
355
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:18,720
Keep in touch with her old dad.
356
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:20,840
You know? Ten four for a copy.
357
00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:24,560
You're not still in a mood
with me, are you?
358
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:26,440
I was trying to help you find
Mr Right.
359
00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:29,960
What sort of Mr Right do you think
would respond to an advert
360
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:31,320
in the newsagents? I was just
361
00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:34,520
trying to do something. What do you
want to do, nothing, like Frank?
362
00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:36,280
At least Frank didn't send every
pervert
363
00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:37,640
in the area to my place of work.
364
00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:39,280
I didn't know you were so picky.
365
00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:41,000
I mean, sperm is sperm.
366
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,840
We don't just want some dodgy
old man in a flasher mac!
367
00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:45,560
A donor has to be right.
368
00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:48,880
Someone strong, athletic, intelligent.
369
00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:51,200
Oh, God!
370
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:53,600
I'm so sorry.
You must think I'm an idiot.
371
00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:55,040
What?
372
00:16:56,920 --> 00:16:58,960
I will take this into the
staff toilet.
373
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:01,280
I'll be back in five minutes.
Probably less.
374
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:06,240
Fill that mug back up... with coffee
375
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:09,360
and don't ever,
ever speak of this again.
376
00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:11,680
SHE SHUDDERS
377
00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:16,920
I want a word.
378
00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:19,120
Hey-hey! Here she is, the birthday
girl.
379
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:23,280
♪ Happy birthday to you
380
00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:26,040
♪ Happy... ♪
Are you out of your frigging mind?
381
00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:28,160
Not you as well. What? You took Theo
out of school
382
00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:30,600
and nearly got him killed! I was
teaching him how to be a man.
383
00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:33,160
Something his step-grandad Frank
couldn't be bothered to do,
384
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:35,440
by the way. By getting him
into a fight with a van driver?
385
00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:37,080
He wasn't in a fight with a van
driver.
386
00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:38,680
I was in a fight with a van driver.
387
00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:41,840
Theo was just my second.
Oh, for God's sake!
388
00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:44,200
Oh, are you that woman from the
semen posters?
389
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:46,360
Posters? Got a few posters
done for you.
390
00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:49,080
Bus stops and that. Come on. What
time's the big party tonight?
391
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:51,480
It's at piss off, you're not coming
o'clock.
392
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:52,720
What's that supposed to mean?
393
00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:55,520
I think it means she doesn't want
you to be there. What? Why?
394
00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:58,960
Oh, that's the thanks I get, is it,
your old dad? You're not my dad!
395
00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:01,960
I had a dad. Always on about Frank.
396
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:04,480
He's not here, though, is he?
Because he left. He died.
397
00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:06,920
I died as well. But I came back for
you.
398
00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:08,640
You didn't even know I existed!
399
00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:10,720
And, quite frankly, that was better
than this,
400
00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:12,680
so shall we go back to that? Mel...
401
00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:14,320
We're done.
402
00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:16,240
Good luck with your semen.
403
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:21,640
Kids, eh?
404
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:28,200
Luce, want a CB radio?
405
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:30,200
No. I've got a phone.
406
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:32,000
Everyone's got a phone.
407
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:37,080
I don't know.
408
00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:40,760
These lonely days and barren,
barren nights.
409
00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:45,040
Sometimes I feel so empty.
410
00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:49,720
Don't... You'll get me going.
411
00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:56,640
Since my wife passed,
it's the companionship I miss
412
00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:58,240
more than anything else.
413
00:18:58,240 --> 00:19:01,680
Oh, Roger.
414
00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:03,680
Right, shift up. Come on.
There we go.
415
00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:05,840
Oh... What are you doing?
416
00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:07,640
Brought us a couple of beers.
417
00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:09,360
All right, Andrea? Do you want a
beer?
418
00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:12,440
No. I'd better go check on the other
animals.
419
00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:16,440
Bye.
420
00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:19,080
Right, we'll have these quick and
then get down the pub.
421
00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:21,760
No, I'm spending the day
with Andrea.
422
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:23,600
Well, bring her with you. Barry's
423
00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:26,880
doing wine these days. Red and
white. Spoilt for choice. No.
424
00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:29,520
I thought you had plans anyway.
425
00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:31,800
Mel's uninvited me
to the birthday party.
426
00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:34,480
To be honest with you, mate, I'm at
a bit of a low ebb.
427
00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:37,560
I'm sorry, but can't we talk
about this tomorrow?
428
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:41,400
You can talk to Applejack.
429
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:43,440
Andrea says he's a good listener.
430
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:45,520
Talk to a horse?
431
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:47,960
Haven't got a great deal in common,
mate, to be honest.
432
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:50,480
Well, maybe one thing.
Hey, Roge?
433
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:52,640
How are you and Andrea?
434
00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:54,400
Any closer to the old...?
435
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:56,720
QUIETLY: Mammoth! The old Roger
charm's back.
436
00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:58,280
Won't be long before you find
437
00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:00,480
out what other old bits are still
working.
438
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:02,680
What did I tell you? Act
interested in the animals,
439
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:05,000
pretend you're lonely,
before you know it,
440
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:06,720
you and... All right, Andrea?
441
00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:09,320
Just trying to tell Roger about a
bloke we used to know.
442
00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:11,800
Pathetic.
443
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:18,720
Thanks very much, Mammoth.
444
00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:20,560
Pfft. Women, eh?
445
00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:23,560
Oh, well, I know what'll cheer you
up.
446
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:25,000
No, I'm not going to the pub.
447
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:26,440
I'm not in the mood.
448
00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:29,160
I want to be alone.
449
00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:36,520
All right, Applejack?
450
00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:39,000
You don't want to hear my old sob
stories, do you?
451
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,520
You'd rather be out chasing
the girl horses, I bet.
452
00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:43,680
You need to make the most of it all, mate.
453
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:46,440
Take some advice -
454
00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:49,400
if you do get a sexy horse pregnant,
455
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:52,120
try not to get buried by an
avalanche on the same day.
456
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:55,440
Just to clarify, I don't
find horses attractive.
457
00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:59,000
I mean, a horse you would find sexy,
you know? Good personality,
458
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:01,800
great shape for a horse,
good in bed, stable,
459
00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:03,560
you know, whatever.
460
00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:08,040
Because if you do get a sexy horse
pregnant and you get covered
461
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:10,640
by an avalanche on the same
day, your little horse daughter
462
00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:15,080
will grow up with a different horse
for a dad and not a handsome, strong
463
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:19,320
horse like you with a great mane,
but a weaker,
464
00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:22,080
shitter horse with a crap mane.
465
00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:25,760
Then if by some miracle in the
future they find you and bring
466
00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:30,640
you back to life, then maybe
your horse daughter wants nothing
467
00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:33,400
more to do with you, through no
fault of your own.
468
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:37,400
And you're sat on a bench
of an old horses' home,
469
00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:41,520
talking to a therapy human,
470
00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:44,000
racking your brains about what you
can do
471
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:46,680
to get your horse daughter
back in your life.
472
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:51,360
Do you know what? They were right.
473
00:21:51,360 --> 00:21:53,400
You ARE a good listener.
474
00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:56,560
Got any bright ideas?
475
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:02,280
I'm so sorry about Mammoth.
476
00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:04,760
It was completely out of the blue.
477
00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:08,360
He just marched in and said,
"Give my little girl a pay rise."
478
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:10,520
Honestly, I am mortified.
479
00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:13,800
I genuinely didn't put him
up to that.
480
00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:17,200
But maybe the best way to show
that intimidation doesn't work
481
00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:19,320
would be to give me the pay rise?
482
00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:21,160
No, no?
483
00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:23,600
This is... I was joking. It's a
joke.
484
00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:26,360
Have a drink.
485
00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:27,760
Go and mingle.
486
00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:29,320
Maybe avoid Sian from accounts.
487
00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:31,280
Yawn. Am I right?
488
00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:34,440
Me and Sian just started
seeing each other.
489
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:36,200
Oh, and I love her!
490
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:38,760
Oh, she is amazing!
491
00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:41,120
Good for you.
492
00:22:41,120 --> 00:22:43,600
I need to go now because...
493
00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:47,600
...there's a horse in the bar.
494
00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:53,880
Happy birthday!
495
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:56,760
What do you think?
496
00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:59,440
I think you're on a horse in a bar.
Why are you on a horse?
497
00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:00,880
Mel, meet Applejack.
498
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:03,640
And he's all yours... for a bit.
What?
499
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:06,600
Well, you said you loved riding
horses, and Frank never let you.
500
00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:09,160
So your real dad sorted you out.
501
00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:10,360
So take him for a test ride!
502
00:23:10,360 --> 00:23:12,200
If you like it, I'll buy you one.
503
00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:14,680
Could even see if they'll sell me
Applejack. A pint, please.
504
00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:16,960
And a bag of nuts for the big fella.
505
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:19,320
Are you mad? Even if I wanted a
horse, which I don't...
506
00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:20,640
You could have told me that sooner.
507
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:23,200
...where am I going to keep it?
Hey, there's a horse tied up on the
508
00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:25,520
roundabout outside Asda.
You could leave him on there.
509
00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:27,600
Bit of company. On a roundabout?
Ask the school.
510
00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:29,840
See if you can leave him in the
school. I don't know,
511
00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:31,680
to be honest, I haven't thought it
through.
512
00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:33,320
I thought you'd be over the moon.
513
00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:35,720
What's up? Has he upset you?
514
00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:37,520
Already warned you once.
515
00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:41,080
So you're not pleased, then?
516
00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:44,520
It's a nice gesture, but mad.
517
00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:46,480
How did you think this was
going to go?
518
00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:49,080
♪ Like a rhinestone cowboy... ♪
519
00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:50,800
Happy birthday!
520
00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:53,120
Ha-ha!
521
00:23:53,120 --> 00:23:55,520
I got you a horse! For me?
522
00:23:55,520 --> 00:23:57,880
Really? My very own horse?
523
00:23:57,880 --> 00:24:00,000
I know, Frank never let you, but...
Fuck Frank.
524
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:01,120
He's dead.
525
00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:02,480
You're here.
526
00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:04,200
That's all that matters.
527
00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:05,880
I'm Melanie Mammoth now.
528
00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:09,280
BOTH: Drinks are on the house!
529
00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:12,080
CHEERING
530
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:16,280
CHANTING: Mammoth! Mammoth! Mammoth!
531
00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:23,360
♪ Like a rhinestone cowboy... ♪
532
00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:25,480
Mammoth, Mammoth, Mammoth...
533
00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:30,680
Get the horse out of here.
534
00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:32,840
Honestly, you'll change
your mind once you're up.
535
00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:34,360
Come on. It's not going to bite you.
536
00:24:34,360 --> 00:24:36,600
No, just get out, Dad!
537
00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:38,840
Dad?
538
00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:41,680
Mammoth... I meant Mammoth.
539
00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:43,240
You said Dad.
540
00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:46,400
Enjoy the party.
541
00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:52,000
Come on, Applejack.
542
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:53,760
Our work here's done.
543
00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:58,400
HORSE WHINNIES
544
00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:13,000
I think you wrote your number down
wrong.
545
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:14,720
Fuck off!
546
00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:18,040
Not very ladylike.
547
00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:19,280
CAR HORNS BLARE
39003
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