All language subtitles for 1_family.guy.s22e15.1080p.web.h264-successfulcrab

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

So, Brian's checkup
went very well.

He only bit me eight times while
I tried to brush his teeth.

Wonderful. And does he have
the red, hairless undercarriage

-of an older dog?
-He sure does.

He's the Jason Alexander
of hairless scroti.

And you know,
if you're interested,

we're doing a 50% off promotion

on our new, state-of-the-art
tracking chip.

It connects to an app
that will monitor Brian's vitals

and even has a Bluetooth speaker

so you can play songs
through him.

Awesome! I'm gonna
blast Ed Sheeran

right through his stomach.

That'll really showcase
my milquetoast personality

and lack of masculine vigor.

Great. I'll introduce you
to our nurse

who handles the procedure.

Hi, I'm Emma.

And don't worry, I'm wearing
scrubs that hide my tattoos

to give you confidence.

Terrific. And now, like
in every hospital situation,

I'll depart and a woman
will do the actual work.

Okay, we're almost done.

And you're all set.

[music playing faintly]

[Peter] Yeah! Playin'
Ed Sheeran through my dog!

I'm like a cool dentist!

Wow, I barely felt that.
You're very gentle.

[chuckles]
Thanks. I love animals.

It's why I do this.

I even pride myself on being
able to find every dog's spot,

right behind the ears.

Well, maybe you can
find mine sometime.

I'd be tempted
to ask you to coffee,

but I'm sure a girl like you
is already seeing someone.

I wish. Guys don't want
a girlfriend

who comes home
smelling like dog pee.

I'm practically a fire hydrant.

Is-is, uh, is, uh,
is that right?

Yeah, and my car's so filthy.

I need someone to stick
their head out the window

to help navigate.

H-Head-- head out the window?

To be honest, all I like to do
is play tennis,

but I'm not even that good.

I keep hitting the balls
over the fence

and have no one
to retrieve them--

Hey, hey, babe? Babe? I'm in.

Well, I'm going
to a concert this Friday.

Want to come?
It's at Quahog Church.

Church? So, is it, uh,
Christian rock?

Yeah. I'm an evangelical
Christian.

Is that a problem?

Well, I-I'm not really
a big fan of--

There's your spot.

[announcer] ¡Gol!

Sorry, I interrupted you.
You were saying?

I-I-- why, just that I'm not a
big fan of anything, but Jesus!

He's the best! [chuckles]

Well, him and whoever
fired Bob Barker.

Neuter yourself, dick.

I know, what a jerk.

Wasn't he also accused
of sexual harassment?

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

The dog stuff though,
you know, come on.

[TV announcer] We now return to
The Italian Tony Awards.

Hey, I'm Tony,
and for the 30th year in a row,

the best musical is the only
one that I've seen, Cats.

[audience member]
Hey, you hear that?

Tony likes a musical.

Eh, pipe down, boombots.

Everybody knows in high school
you had an earring.

All right, I'm going out.
I'll see you guys later.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
W-What's that around your neck?

Well, I, uh, I may have
a date with a Christian girl.

Huh. Must be hard
for you not to bite

what's essentially
two crossed sticks.

Oh, my God, it's so hard.

It's literally
all I can think about.

But I-I really
like this girl, you know?

She's perfect
in every other way.

I don't know, Bri.
You really think

you can convince her
you're Christian?

Oh, you're good.

[band playing]

Hello, evangelicals!
Who out there is boring?

We are!

That's right!
And before we start,

I'd like to say a special hello

to our only
Black audience member,

who's in the front row,

so he's caught
on all the camera shots.

Wow. Look at all our diversity.

Can you believe most people
think us evangelicals

are a bunch of nerdy losers?

No. Come on.

Seriously, it's true.

Hey, I-I don't normally do this,

but what do you say we go back
to my place after this

and get a little crazy?

-Really?
-Yeah.

We'll eat sherbet and watch
funny State Farm commercials.

Uh, okay, and,
and then we'll have sex?

Sex? Brian, I'm Christian.

And no good Christian
believes in sex before marriage,

except for every minister or
politician you've ever heard of.

But-but you scratched my spot.
Y-You have tattoos.

Yeah. Of Bible verses.

[sighs] Brian, I think
you should leave.

Well, fine. And frankly,

I've been wanting
to do this all night.

-My Jesus! Mine!
-[gasping]

Hey, you can't do that
to our savior.

-[growling]
-Okay, okay, your savior.
Your savior.

[announcer]
We now return
to a show about incest.

-Gross.
-Set 500 years ago.

Ooh, sexy.
I feel so sophisticated.

Christianity sucks.

It's stupid, arbitrary nonsense.

You're horny and she wouldn't
have sex with you.

No. And I did everything right.

I even researched
abortion clinics

in case the condom broke.

Yeah, no, I know.
It's in your Twitter bio.

Fine, but look around.

So much of the division
and hatred in today's society

comes from Christianity.
And it's so hypocritical.

I mean, they all vote for Trump,
even though he's divorced.

That's all you've got on Trump?

Christianity is also
anti-science, anti-freedom--

Come on, it's not all bad.

I mean, I have a Swarthy Men
of Nazareth advent calendar

with doors opening
for all 25 days.

Talk about the "stars"
of Bethlehem, hey, Bri?

Whatever.
Christianity is the worst thing

that ever happened
to this country. Or the world.

Well, perhaps. But it's been
around for 2,000 years,

so it's not like there's
anything you can do about it.

Well, I'm going to bed.

I'll leave you
to watch John Oliver

and agree with yourself.

Good. Love John Oliver.
He's a louder Jon Stewart.

[John Oliver]
Blimey, guv'na.
Republicans are bollocks.

God, the British are smart.

But, man, if only
I could get rid of Christianity.

If only I could go back in time

and stop it
from ever taking root.

Wait a minute, I can.

[thunder crashing]

[West]
Sounds like Brian is fixin'

to use Stewie's time machine.

[sped up]
I'm Mayor West,
and my voice was sped up

because the show ran too long.

[beeps]

[computer voice]
This time machine
is password-protected.

To enter, state name.

Uh, uh, Stewie Griffin.

To prove you're Stewie Griffin,

what is your
favorite Lizzo song?

Uh, the one about pride and, uh,

being a... a-a big girl?

-Correct.
-[chimes]

[beeping rapidly]

Perfect. Ancient Israel.

♪ And I know my worth... ♪

What the hell?

Has anyone seen Brian?

I want to shred it to Lizzo.

Oh, yeah, I'm that bitch.

-♪ Am I ready? ♪
-♪ Ready to go ♪

♪ Am I ready? ♪

Uh, excuse me? I-I'm looking
for a rail-thin guy

with long hair and sandals.

Buddy, you're gonna have
to be more specific.

Uh, his name is Jesus.
Jesus Christ.

You mean the guy who showed
his wiener on a dare at camp?

Tha-That's-that's
what he's known for?

Yeah, he lives about
M-M-L-X-V-I paces that way.

-What?
-Don't listen to him.

He's Roman. I'm Egyptian,
and I can tell you,

Jesus lives four cat heads and
three squiggly lines that way.

No, no, no,
these guys are jokers.

I'm Greek, and I can tell you
he's 30 thetas that way.

You go 31 thetas, you stop,

because that's too many thetas.

-Brian, there you are.
-Stewie?

-How the hell did you find me?
-You're chipped.

Wow, that's a good chip.

Look, I'm sorry I used
the time machine without asking,

but I came here to stop Jesus
from starting Christianity.

What? Come on,
you know the rules.

You can't change the past.

Even the smallest interaction
with someone

from another time period
can alter--

Oh, my God, that's December 8th
from the calendar!

I have to interact with him.

I thought you said
we couldn't change the past.

Uh, yeah, just try to keep it
close, all right?

Just keep it close, Bri.
You got this.

You got this. I trust you, bro.

"Spicy meatball
delights patron."

Ugh, no one reports
real news anymore.

All right, found you.

Now it's time to take you down.

Behold. As my wedding gift,

I turn this water into wine.

[cheering]

-All right!
-Amazing!

And I brought hard seltzer
and a photo booth.

-[cheering]
-Yeah, that's even better!

Hard seltzer has less calories.

And now there's an activity for
people who don't like to dance.

Then, uh, I-I also brought
a guest book,

so everyone can leave a fun note

for the bride and groom.

Okay, fine, a photo booth
is better.

Blessed are the poor in spirit,

for theirs is the kingdom
of heaven--

[Brian]
Hey, Jesus.

Nice mount.

He's on a higher hill,
which shows more confidence.

You again?
What the hell is your problem?

Me? What the hell
is your problem?

You're always telling everyone
what to do and think.

You think I want
to do this stuff?

I only do it because
my dad makes me.

Wait, Joseph makes you do this?

No, my real dad.

When I was younger,
Joseph took a paternity test.

We have the results,
and, Joseph,

you are not the father.

Yes! Yes! Yes!
I knew it! I knew it!

[audience]
Maury! Maury! Maury!

So, anyway, yeah, all this
messiah stuff is my dad's thing.

Hi, I have a hummus plate
for Jesus?

Oh, cool.

Okay, I guess it's
for both of us.

Well, if you don't want to be a
messiah, what do you want to do?

Honestly, I want to be
a stand-up comedian.

-Really?
-Yeah. Like my friend
Jackie the Mason

or Lewis the Blacksmith
or Chris the Rock-Piler.

You know, we can ask
for another menu if--

Yeah, I'm not that hungry.

So, why didn't you
do comedy, then?

I guess I never had
the confidence.

I couldn't even
come up with jokes.

-[sneezes]
-Yikes. Check out
Julius Sneezer over there.

Ha! Totally.

Hey, you know,
that's pretty funny.

What was? That comment?

[farts]

Whoa. Who Sepharted?

Ha! Hey, you know, I think you
should give comedy another shot.

Come on, does anyone really
want to watch a Jewish guy

make snarky observations?

I-I think, uh, that a lot
of people would enjoy that, yes.

Huh. Then maybe I should
try comedy again.

Only thing is, I'd have
to talk to my dad.

♪ ♪

Wow, I went to a party
in this city called Sodom.

Have you heard of this place?
[whistles]

So, how's your plan going?

Uh, not great so far.

A comedian?

How could you do this
to your mother?

-[sobbing]
-What's next?

You don't want to marry
your very close cousin?

Of course not.
In fact, right now

I'm weirdly seeing a prostitute
with the same name as Mom.

[sobbing]

Come on, Dad,
comedy is my dream.

Well, why couldn't you have
told me about your dream

before I paid
for ancient Brandeis?

You made me go there.

You know, nothing I do
is ever good enough for you.

Why don't you just say it?
You hate me.

And you wish I had died
in the Punic Wars

instead of my brother Greg.

That's not true!
I love you both equally!

Then why won't you
touch his room?

You stay out of Greg's room!

I have to do something.

It's God. How could you
possibly change his mind?

You will never do
stand-up comedy. I forbid it.

["Danny's Song"
by Loggins and Messina playing]

Wait. What's that sound?

♪ People smile and tell me
I'm the lucky one ♪

♪ And we've just begun ♪

♪ Think I'm gonna
have a son... ♪

That's really good
sound quality.

-Yeah, it's the new iPhone.
-You got a new one?

We agreed to update at the end
of the year, as Christmas gifts.

Well, I was in the mall
and I saw a promotion.

You didn't tell me
about this promotion.

Oh, I-I'm sorry, I didn't
realize I had to tell you

every [bleep] thought
that comes into my head.

Okay, there we go,
Brian makes a mistake,

so instead of apologizing,
he lashes out with hostility.

And Stewie's a victim.
There's a big surprise.

I'm a victim because
you constantly screw me over.

You know what? Now I wish
I hadn't even played this song.

I wish I hadn't
even come back in time.

Because I can't do anything

without you making it
about yourself.

God, I regret our friendship.

You are a catastrophe
of a human.

Oh, hey, they made up.

♪ Tell me everything's
gonna be all right. ♪

[trumpets blaring]

Well, it's great
to be here in Rome, folks.

Uh, you know, I heard
that the, uh, Roman Senate

just voted to build
more cobblestone streets.

Great. Do my balls get a vote?

[laughter]

And how about that Caesar, huh?
Gotta love Caesar.

Great salad, great haircut,

and loves cutting
women's bellies open.

[laughter]

Look at him there,
in the Caesarian section.

They're laughing their ass off.

I do. I do love that.

And you know what they say,
"When in Rome."

Well, based on my
one day here so far,

I guess that means I should be
pooping in the street.

He's right.
That is a problem here.

But seriously, folks,
Rome sure beats anywhere else.

You guys follow politics?

'Cause it seems like they've
made a real mess of Potamia.

[laughter]

But don't fret, folks,
it's not all bad news out there.

You know how there are
seven wonders of the world?

Well, turns out
they just found an eighth.

A Galatian who paid his bar tab.

-[laughter]
-Galatia is our rival.

But enough about politics.

Let me tell you
a little bit about me.

So, my dad's God.

[crowd cheering]

Thank you, thank you.

And growing up, he taught me
all about carpentry. Yeah.

Uh, I guess
he thought teenage boys

should spend more time
rubbing wood.

[crowd laughs]

And my mom's a virgin.

That's fun. Uh, yeah,

when I was a teenager,
I had to give her the talk.

[crowd laughs]

[cheering]

Wow, he's killing it.

Yeah, I bet
he plays everywhere now.

He's gonna be huge.

-What happened?
-He told a joke

about Assyrians
on a college campus.

Oh, yeah, you can't
do that anymore.

This first millennial
generation is very sensitive.

-Clearly.
-All right,
don't make it obvious,

but get a picture of me
with him.

-Do one more.
-Stewie, we're done.

Mission accomplished and
Christianity never happened,

so I'm pretty sure the present
will be just how I want it.

[Peter]
Hi, Peter here.

If you've seen our
time travel episodes before,

you know that can't
possibly be the case.

I can't tell you
what's going to happen, though,

because the network
needs you to stick around

through the Del Taco ads.

You know, if you bought
all the ingredients

for tacos yourself,
it would cost like 40 bucks,

but somehow, at Del Taco,
you can buy one for 80 cents.

-Damn it.
-What? What's wrong?

Every time I enter
into a new reality,

I'm hoping
my room has wainscoting.

[sighs]
But I guess it's more boring,

single-textured walls
for Stewie.

Wow, so far,
without Christianity,

everything looks the same.

Morning, Brian.
Hey, where's your yarmulke?

Uh, what?

Morning, Doctor Son.

Morning, Doctor Dad.

Morning, Doctor Wife.

Morning, Doctor Husband.

Oh, my God. They're all Jewish.

Whoa. Listen to your tone.

No, no, no. No tone at all.

Because Christianity
never happened,

Judaism became
the dominant faith,

and I have
zero problem with that.

Why, do you have a problem?

No, I don't have a problem.
Far from it.

What the yidle-diddle-diddle-
didle-deuce?

Well, I'm off to school
in my regular-star necklace.

I'm leaving, too.

Mom, Dad,
I need some new clothes.

Is it okay if I stop at

Ross Dress for the Same Price as
Everywhere Else?

Of course, honey.
Ooh, and maybe tonight

we can all go see
that new movie starring

Adam Sandler, Ben Stiller
and half of Scarlett Johansson.

Huh. So, you think
everyone is Jewish now?

Morning, Griffins.
It's me, your neighbor,

Sammy Davis Brown Jr.

I suppose so.

Wow, I guess a lot of
history has changed now.

No World War II,
no conflict in the Middle East.

Hell, there was even
a Jewish Columbus.

We did it.
We discovered New York, Miami,

and Filene's Basement.

[all]
Yay!

[chanting]
Slacks, slacks, slacks, slacks!

Lot more sweater shops
in this reality.

Yeah, and there's a billboard
for The Normal Mrs. Maisel.

Ah, here we are.

Shalom, Brian.

Boy, this town has
good medical care.

Are you sure
I'm allowed to be in here?

Yeah, without Christianity,

there are no arbitrary rules
about age limits.

Hey, you guys hear the new joke?

A rabbi, a rabbi,
and a rabbi walk into a bar

and split a seltzer.

It's free refills.

Why pay for three?

All right, what does everyone
want to hear on the jukebox?

They've got "Sweet Caroline,"

"Sweet Caroline Remix,"

and "Sweet Caroline
A Cappella."

Shalom, boys.

Uh, shalom. How are you?

Not good.
I'm allergic to my horse.

Hey, Bri, I got the remote.

Let's see
what television is like.

[TV announcer]
And now, the Channel Five News,

brought to you by
Kentucky Boiled Chicken.

Kentucky Boiled Chicken:

all herbs, no spices
'cause you already burp enough.

Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker

and welcome to Channel Five,

where, as always,
80% of our news is the weather.

But first, with sports,
here's my brother Lenny,

who my mom forced me to hire.

I-I'm sorry, Tom,

I didn't have time
to check the scores.

Well, there's
a friggin' shocker, folks.

[in deep voice]
Afternoon, Brian.

Hey, Mort.
Uh, why is your voice so deep?

Why shouldn't it be?

Millennia of
not running from people

has made me remarkably
confident and relaxed.

You know, I like Jewish Quahog.

Yeah, we did
a good thing, Stewie.

A Jewish world is much better
than a Christian one.

There are no absurd, stifling
rules driving everyone crazy.

There you guys are.

It's almost sundown,
so let's turn off our devices

-and walk three miles to temple.
-What?

Ha! You were saying, Brian?

We have to go back in time

and stop Moses from receiving
the Ten Commandments.

That way, neither Judaism nor
Christianity will ever exist.

On it.

-Done.
-How'd you do that so fast?

I gave Moses 20 bucks
to walk away.

And before you say anything,

that was
a lot of money back then.

Anyone would have done it.

Happy November 25th.

Only 30 shopping days
till nothing.

Brian, it worked.

That's only
half the story, Stewie.

Let's make sure.

Hey, guys?
Who does Mel Gibson hate?

Uh, all of his ex-wives,
but no generalized group.

It did work.
Finally, a world with

no religion, no prejudices,
no irrationalities.

-Just science-based reason.
-[knock on door]

Package for Brian and Stewie?

Yeah, that's us.

What did you do,
you little twerps?

Oh, my God. God!

Fix it. Fix it.

-Fix it. Fix it. Fix it. Fix it.
-Ow, ow, ow, ow!

It was his idea!
It's not even my machine!

You don't think Einstein
and Carl Sagan tried this crap?

I had to send
them to Noogie City.

Is that where you want to live?

Noogie City? Huh?
'Cause I can take you there.

I got the keys, hoss.

[both grunting]

Is this all religion is?

Threatening to noogie people

if they dare to think
for themselves?

Yes. I'm basically Biff
from Back to the Future,

and you're all George McFly.

All right, I got to take
a picture of the package

on your doorstep,
or they don't believe me.

You're really a delivery man?

Yeah. No collection plate.

I got to pay for
Dish Network somehow.

Oh, boy, we really
messed with this guy.

I guess we should
go fix it, Brian.

You know what? No.

A world without religion
is a world that values

reason and logic to better
the world for everyone.

And I'm not gonna
let some two-bit boomer--

yeah, you heard me--
tell us otherwise.

[knuckles crack]

♪ Christ the royal master ♪

♪ Leads against the foe. ♪