Original subtitles

Okay.

- You taking off? - Yeah.

- All right. - Mysterious.

Happy Valentine's Day.

- Say, hey, my man. - Hey, what's up, Tom?

- Thanks, Tom. - Happy Valentine's Day.

What do you mean you're leaving me?

You can't leave me until you're actually here to leave.

Yes, I'm gonna argue semantics, Sara. It's the least I can do.

I come home on Valentine's Day...

...with two bags ready to go by the door...

...and a Dear John telling me you need space?

Come on, what is that?

That is totally unoriginal...

...and completely devoid of any real information...

...that would give me some insight to why you're doing this.

Yes, I wanna know. I'm asking you, right?

I'm not yelling. I'm just speaking pointedly to make my point.

Fuck the neighbors. It's 2:00 in the morning on a Saturday night.

Fuck them if they don't have a social life. No.

Sara, listen, don't leave me.

You can't leave me. I've done everything I know how to do.

I've given you every ounce of my heart and soul.

I've given more of myself to you than I've given anybody.

And now you're just gonna walk out?

You're just gonna throw me away like that and not even tell me why?

Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna be here.

I invited half the bar over to help us celebrate Valentine's Day, remember?

Okay, all right. Well, then I'll see you when you get here.

Bye.

Fuck.

Christ, Tommy, you left five minutes too soon.

Seriously, five minutes. Unbelievable. Where are the girls?

- What? - Didn't you invite chicks to this?

- No, that's not what this is about. - Oh, Christ. Thank God I did, huh?

- What? - Broads, skirts.

I got a gang of girls coming in 15 minutes. Be prepared.

- You don't understand. - You don't understand.

After what happened to me, I'm not sitting around...

...sword fighting on Valentine's Day. I need chicks, and now.

- Why? What happened? - You remember Charlotte, right?

- Which one's Charlotte? - One with the thing.

- The fucked-up Peter Falk eye. - Oh, yeah, sure, she was nice.

- I threw her out. - Threw her out? Why?

Lt got embarrassing taking her out, always that eye looming out at you.

I'm telling you, that thing had a mind of its own.

- It made me feel self-conscious. - Made you feel self-conscious?

You believe that? Me. Chocolates, you shouldn't have.

You can't be with someone you're ashamed to be seen with.

It's not practical. You spend so much time going places...

...that you never go, trying not to run into people you know.

Lt doesn't make any sense.

Besides, she wasn't exactly sending rockets to the moon either.

- Why? - She informed me...

...that the world doesn't evolve around me.

She said "evolve."

And you didn't try to tell her your theory of revolution?

- No, I cut her off. - You cut her off.

- She was starting to get clingy. - Who you trying to convince?

You know how they get. "Honey, this, " "honey, that."

I thought I was turning into a bee. Anyways, I cut her off on the phone.

- On the phone? - On the phone.

- How'd she take it? - I don't know.

I asked her if she'd met Tone, she said no, you know the rest:

That's horrible, Sal.

- You said this girl was nice. - My dog's nice.

- Don't see me talking dirty to her. - I wouldn't tell anybody.

Butch ain't the spitting image of Columbo.

- Give me a beer. - So that was today.

Tonight, I'm at the bar...

...she comes in with this muscle-bound beach guy...

...trying to make me jealous. Me.

Gino points them out. I'm sauced up at this point.

I walk over and I say:

"You're not really with this hippie-fied fag, are you?"

He says, "What'd you say?"

I pulled back my jacket enough so he can see my piece and said:

"I just called you a cockeyed-loving, biscuit-lipped, hippie-fied-looking fag.

- What are you gonna do?" - Shit. What did he do?

What can he do? Turned white as a ghost...

...and made like Ralph Kramden:

So I go back to drinking.

Gino comes over later and says, "Will you look at that?"

And there is Fabio making out with Columbo all over my bar.

Whatever. So I finish up my whiskey, and I walk over.

- I slap Tarzan on the face and I say: - Holy shit.

"Antonio Banderas, you're kissing my old girl."

And he says, "Yeah?" I say, "Yeah. How's my cock taste?"

Holy shit.

I strolled out, grabbed myself a bottle of Maker's...

...and here I am.

Holy shit. And she was kissing that Fabio guy right there in front of you?

Yeah.

- You just broke up? - I broke up with her.

Why do they do that? They're supposed to be sensitive.

- Women fucking suck. - You think so?

But few suck well.

I can't tell you the last time I had a decent blowjob.

I admit it is a lost art.

I stop them half the time. I'm like "Yo, it ain't a fucking artichoke, all right?"

- Totally. - Funny thing is...

...these women think they're fantastic at it.

I cannot tell you how many times I've heard:

"Oh, baby, you cannot handle me, I will rock your world."

Then it comes time to close the deal and it's like Flipper on Prozac.

Have you ever had a dead-fish fuck? I would rather have a root canal.

These women think just being present...

...is all it takes for bedroom artistry.

Maybe that works for a guy that gets laid every leap year...

...but for a guy like me, a dead-fish fuck could have severe ramifications.

I can't believe she pulled a high-school move...

...and brought a date to your bar.

That violates two of the "nevers" in the Geneva Convention of breaking up.

The first of which is that you never, under any circumstances ever...

...are you to hang out in your ex's stomping grounds...

...after you break up!

It's a big city, right?

Why does she have to hang out in our bar?

- She never used to hang out there. - You're right.

What, there's not a million other bars in the city?

We don't want her there. She's not welcome.

Hell, no.

You don't see us hanging out at LensCrafters, do you?

That is only second to the most heinous of violations...

...the fact that you just broke up this morning.

I broke up with her.

You dumped that Sandy Duncan Cyclops this morning.

She comes into our LensCrafters on a date?

Isn't there some statute of limitations, or time variable...

...or something that makes that unconstitutional?

- It is fucking bullshit, Tommy. - Fucking bullshit, Sal!

Keep it down. You're gonna wake Karen.

She'll be here with Frankenstein gear on.

Kenny! Speaking of Frankenstein, how is your wife?

- Sal broke up with Charlotte. - Which one?

The black fellow that used to perform with Dean Martin.

Yeah, she was nice. You two not see eye to eye?

Does Karen wear that green mud on her face?

- Yes. - You don't take one look...

...and get the shit scared out of you?

That's how she keeps her skin young.

If that's true, I wish she'd put some on her ass.

There should be some vow which covers ass size after "I do."

- Like an insurance policy. - Brilliant, ass insurance.

- There's more for you to love. - Easy for you to say.

Sara works out five days a week.

- What? - What'd I say?

What happened?

Apparently, she'll be working on her arms this evening...

...when she carries those two suitcases out that door.

- What? Say, "I swear to God." - No.

It's true. Three years and I come home to a Dear John...

...and those suitcases sitting by the door.

She's on her way over. I have no idea what I'm gonna do.

- Dear John. - On Valentine's Day. Unbelievable.

I'm sick.

I gave Sara three years of my life. Three good years.

I mean, sure, we had our problems, everybody does.

Lt was mostly good times. That's how you're supposed to tell.

I mean, nobody's perfect, but as long as the good times outweigh the bad...

...that's what's supposed to count, right?

Unless she didn't see it that way. Unless I really didn't make her happy.

That's bullshit, Tommy.

Since when is it a man's job to make a woman happy?

- Want this? - Don't think so.

My point is, you were happy, right? For three years, you were happy.

You know what I'd give for that? This, my right arm.

Look at me. I'm a lonely, drunken, misogynistic asshole...

...who goes from one empty relationship to another...

...whose only solace is found at the bottom of a bottle of whiskey.

I can't remember a time in my life when I was happy...

...for three consecutive days, let alone three years.

Are you kidding me? You know whose fault that is? Mine.

Because I'm responsible for my own happiness.

If Sara wasn't happy, that is her own fucking problem.

She didn't do the things that she needed to do...

...to make sure she was happy. You're not Dionne Warwick.

You're not a mind reader. You're not a psychic friend.

You're Tom Reilly, one of the best people I know.

And if she can't see that, then she needs to go to LensCrafters.

Why does it hurt so bad, huh? Why do I feel like I wanna die inside?

- Because you're beautiful. - He's right, you're beautiful.

I'm not a fag, but you're like a real person. You are a man.

You think if I knew Karen was gonna leave...

...I wouldn't be down here asking you two how I could get her back?

- Christ, Sal too. - You had me until you brought Sal in.

Very funny. What, you don't think I got feelings?

You don't think I'm sensitive? Let me tell you.

I got more feelings in my nut than you two schoolgirls together.

- Come on now! - Here we go again.

I know. I know what they say about me.

I know what they say about guys like me.

- They say we're pigs, that we're dogs. - Ln your defense, they don't exclude.

I've been married five years. My wife still says it.

They don't exclude. They say "all."

"All men are pigs. All men are dogs. All men are scum."

They talk and talk their little asses off about what monsters we are.

They don't understand they're the ones...

...that created the Frankensteins they abhor.

- Frankenstein's a whore? - Leave my wife out of this.

Laugh all you want, but I'm serious.

Every womanizer, every player, every guy juggling three broads...

...at the same time is only doing so out of fear.

Fear of being crushed by a woman.

Because one day, back in the day, they were not a player.

- They liked one girl, just one. - They gave it up to her.

They gave it up to her. Right.

They gave it up because they were romantics.

They gave it up to the girl they loved and what happened?

They got rocked or crushed or destroyed.

They got cheated on or laughed at or something.

When they finished picking up the pieces of their heart...

...you know what they said?

- Every single one made a vow. - Never to give it up again.

That's right. Never to give it up again.

Now we're talking about the real bastards.

Guys that break hearts occupationally.

Originally, those cats were the most beautiful and romantic of all.

You know what happened?

They're the ones that got hurt worst of all.

- Because you never get over it. - No, God, no!

You never get over it. Yes, you recover.

But you never get over it. What happened?

When they all recovered, you know what they all said?

They all said, "Okay, I see. All right.

If that's how it is, I can play that way."

So you see, we are all responsible for the cycle of the vicious circle.

- So you're saying you're afraid? - Absolutely.

I ain't never getting my heart broken again like I did when I was 16.

But why? Why do people hurt each other like that?

Why don't they just take care of each other's feelings? It's so easy.

Because people are selfish and they don't care.

I mean, look, we've all done it, right?

We've been in that situation where we're with another woman.

We know what we're about to do is wrong...

...that if we do this, it's gonna hurt somebody we care for badly.

It'll ruin everything, everything.

All the years of work that we put into it...

...in some cases children, families...

...and yet we look, we've got this young, hot piece of ass in front of us.

At that moment, we throw everything away and we do it anyway.

We do it anyway. We know it's gonna kill our wife...

...or girlfriend or whatever, but we do it anyway.

And that, my friends, is why we're all so fucked up.

Because we do it anyway.

We think the grass is greener somewhere else.

The better deal is around the corner ready to present itself.

And we forget what good friends we have right here...

...and that the grass is pretty fucking nice right here.

But we're not kind, for the most part, are we?

We're not strong, we're certainly not wise...

...so we throw away people who are most valuable.

We waste them, like we have them to waste. And, Sal...

...if you keep doing it, you're gonna wake up one day and be old.

You're gonna be alone, or worse...

...stuck with some vacuous, one-eyed stripper who you can't talk to.

You wanna put a bullet in your head.

You missed the great ones that you once had...

...and that you threw away.

- That's horrible. - Frightening.

Almost enough to make you wanna turn gay.

Oh, my God, I'm so excited, I'm harder than Chinese math.

- Someone get me a Red Bull. - Wayne!

- Hey. - You got my message.

- You didn't tell me she was coming. - Where you been?

- I've been calling you. - Ln Hawaii, planning a wedding.

They're legalizing gay marriages.

They're so smart. It's gonna boom their economy.

The world needs Samoan fags.

A wedding. Who's getting married? Anyone we know?

- Yeah, silly, me. - Get out.

- What are you talking about? - His name is Kwame.

He's from the Virgin lslands.

Let me tell you, sweetheart, after this weekend...

...that boy is definitely not a virgin, okay?

Anyway, he's on his way over here right now...

...because I wanted you to meet him.

- Are you out of your mind? - You are so fucked up.

You're getting married. That's terrific. I don't know what to say.

Say you'll come and be my best man.

- Are you serious? - Yes, who else would I choose?

Bring Sara down with you and the four of us will have a blast.

- What? What did I say? - You said plenty, asshole.

- Our boy got dumped tonight. - What? Why?

She said she needed space.

That ho didn't think she had enough between her legs?

- Wayne. - I'm sorry.

But nobody breaks my Tommy's heart.

I never liked her anyway. She's an actress.

- "Oh, hi, Sara, how are you?" - "Oh, me, me, me."

I swear, I'd ask her how she was doing...

...and she'd tell me how she once got a callback for Matlock.

That's a woman who thinks her worth is determined by her résumé.

You can't deal with that.

You need someone that thinks about you, that'll take care of you.

- Someone who's nurturing. - Yeah, nurturing bitches.

I love me some nurturing bitches. They're the best.

They gotta be good-looking too.

I can't be dealing with no ugly bitches. Know what I'm saying?

This is God's way of trying to tell you you're supposed to be dating men.

Sure, that's what I need, a nice hairy ass.

- That'll solve everything. - Don't start with that faggot shit.

- I don't wanna hear it. - Lt was a joke. I was kidding.

You do it all the time.

It's all part of the mind-meld faggot shit you fags pull all the time.

I can see the shit coming all the way from Cleveland.

- Sal. - Don't think I'm not onto you, Wayne.

You throw something here, say something there.

Drop a line about this, an innuendo about that.

You fuck-o's plant the seed, and next, everyone's sucking dick.

- Come on, Sal. - Oh, come on, my ass.

- Oh, I'd love to, but I'm engaged. - You see what I mean?

You fags are like Jehovah's Witnesses or vampires.

As soon as one of you thinks you're gay...

...you want everyone else in the world to be gay too.

Think they're gay?

No. First of all, I don't think I'm gay, Sal, I am gay.

And secondly, I don't want you to convert, okay?

I wouldn't wish that on any man.

I was simply trying to get Tom's mind off the subject of women.

You guys are so pathetic, I bet before I got here...

...that's all you were talking about.

Of course it was. Look at yourselves!

You are worse than a bunch of girls. Every straight man I know...

...spends their time talking about sports, cars...

...or their careers, where they wanna travel to, the last fight they got into.

Something. Even if it's mundane and prehistoric...

...it's something other than women.

Have you ever overheard a conversation between women?

What is it always about? Men. That's it.

That's all they ever talk about. And you guys are worse than them.

I wonder if there's a set of balls between the three of you.

I can only handle being chastised by a fag for so long...

...at least as long as my father's on this earth.

That's really clever.

Why don't you go gay bashing with your hoodlum friends...

...save us the subtlety of your innuendo?

If I do, I'm gonna start with you, you big queen.

I mean, who hell are you anyways...

...you confused, fucked-up, backwards cocksucker?

Think you know who you are because you can express yourself?

Because you're out of the closet and can be the real you?

- Come on, Sal. - Fuck that, Tommy.

I'm not supposed to say anything...

...because as a white, heterosexual male...

...I'm wrong about everything from jump street.

I know that. I know I can't win. But you see this kid here?

This kid used to be one of my best friends.

All of a sudden, he turns swish on me? Okay?

Now he tells me he's gonna marry a man.

I gotta sit here and pretend I dig that?

I don't even know how to fucking deal with that.

And maybe I've had too much to drink tonight...

...and maybe I'll apologize to Wayne-o in the morning...

...but for right now, I'm gonna rip him a new fucking asshole.

- That sounds fun. - Verbally, you pervert.

Let me explain something to you.

You are not gay, okay? You understand?

You were born a man, and Mother Nature does not fuck up.

Being gay's not physical, it's mental. It's a psychological situation.

Look, you were probably molested as a little kid.

You got fucked up about your sexuality...

...when you hit puberty, and you thought to yourself:

"My gosh, I must be gay." Well, you're not.

You were born a little boy.

You didn't speak with that lisp, that fucking... thing either.

You're putting that on like an accent. That is an affectation.

When you were a kid, you didn't act all fruity like now.

Don't forget, Wayne-o, I've known you since elementary school.

Lt is a proven fact that some people are born gay.

It's not psychological, it's physical. A portion of the brain...

- Which portion? - The thalamus or something.

- Or something? - The hypothalamus.

- The hypothalamus? - I don't know!

Some certain stem in the brain grows different in the brain of gay men.

- It's a proven fact. - Says who?

- Says doctors. - Which doctors?

- Medical doctors. - Still vague.

No, I'm not. Medical doctors have proven...

- Know their names? - What?

You heard me, motherfucker. Don't stall for time.

Do you know their names or did you hear it's a proven fact?

I heard about it, okay, but everybody knows...

You heard about it, but everybody knows.

I see. Very interesting.

You heard about it, but everybody knows it's a proven fact.

Sounds like a rumor to me.

See, I happen to know the name of the doctor that said he proved that theory.

I also know the name of the doctors that corroborated the story.

Can I hip you to a bit of potentially earth-shattering information?

They're all gay.

All of them. Dr. Lipshits, Dipshits, and motherfucking Mipshits...

...are motherfuckers who unethically used their status as doctors...

...to further their own anally suggestive ends.

He's actually right. They did a whole exposé on those three doctors.

- I read the article about it in the Times. - Can you believe that?

Motherfuckers telling people they got weird shit...

...growing in their brain so they start sucking dick.

I don't care if a motherfucker told me I had a tree growing in my head.

Ain't no way this motherfucker's ever gonna start sucking dick.

Can you imagine that conversation? "Excuse me, Mr. Johnson?

We have bad news and good news.

The bad news is...

...we found some weird growth in your cortex.

The good news is, you can start sucking dick immediately."

- All right, that's enough. - Fuck that, Tommy.

That's enough. Guys, come on.

We're supposed to be happy for Wayne tonight.

He's getting married. And it's a big deal.

I don't care if he's marrying a goat. We're supportive.

- You had me until the goat. - It's a metaphor.

With Wayne you never know.

We get enough shit from the rest of the world.

Last thing we need to be doing is getting dumped on...

...by people who are supposed to get our backs.

- You want this one? - Wayne getting dumped on?

- I don't think so. - He's happy, all right?

Look, Wayne is... Smile for me. He's happy!

That's a lot more than I can say for the rest of the world.

It's definitely more than I can say for you and I, Sal.

Of course, he's happy, Tom. He's gay!

I'm done.

He doesn't have to deal with chick drama all the time.

Know how happy I would be...

...if I didn't have to deal with chick drama?

Know how happy I'd be if I had someone I could shoot hoops with...

...watch a game with, go drinking with, play poker with...

...and would blow me six times a day?

Are you kidding me? I wish I could be gay.

I would be the biggest and the best fag of them all.

I'd be king of the fags.

I just can't seem to get in that good of shape.

I got no problem with the whole being-gay aspect of it, Wayne.

All right? I really don't.

You wanna fuck a man, that's your business.

I got no problem with that. I like ass fucking...

...as much as the next guy.

I don't think you need to parade it down the street...

...and tell everybody you're into that.

You wanna be left alone to do your thing...

...then shut the fuck up and keep it your thing.

I'm not talking about hiding in the closet.

- Just don't shove it in my face. - Are you done?

Probably not, but I'm tired of talking, so go ahead.

Sal, you're right.

My gregariousness does make me a target. I know that.

But whether you think you're right about your psychoanalytical bullshit...

...I did not come here tonight to be beat up or put under a microscope.

I came here tonight to share my joy with you.

Not to be berated by people who are supposed to be my friends.

I knew you were gonna be here tonight, Sal.

And I knew you were gonna bust my balls.

I really thought that, underneath it all, you'd be happy for me.

I never thought you'd be so vicious. If I'd known, I never would've come.

I wouldn't have invited the man I'm going to marry...

...to a place where he would be ridiculed.

I mean, I might be into kinky shit...

...but I am not a masochist and I'm certainly not stupid.

Good night, everyone.

Come on. Go.

- Go. - Wayne.

What?

All right, all right. Don't go.

Don't go?

Well, that's a joke. Give me one good reason why not.

All right, all right.

I don't know how to say this, okay, so I'm just gonna say it.

My girl dumped me today.

I'm sorry I lied to you, Tommy.

I came here acting like a stud, like I gave her the Heisman...

...but truth of the matter is she fucking dumped me.

I saw her out tonight with some GQ fucking jawbone guy.

He was way better-looking than me, and it hurt a little bit.

You know, maybe more than just a little bit.

I pulled some Bogart move on the motherfucker.

I made him look like a bitch in front of everyone.

The truth of the matter is, she still went home with him.

So now I'm drunk and I'm pissed...

...and I come and take it out on you guys.

The truth of the matter is, I'm just jealous.

Not that I wanna be a fag or nothing, but you're always up, doing good.

And you don't fucking need me being an asshole to you.

So don't go.

And I wanna meet your...

- Friend. - Friend.

Oh, Sal.

Jesus Christ. Just get it over with.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God, Sal's gay.

God. You see what happens when you try to be nice?

Your friends think you're a fag. So much for karma.

Don't say that, I was kidding.

I was watching through the window. You were sweet.

- Don't even start. - I'm serious, Sal.

I've never seen that side of you before. You were amazing.

You were kind and vulnerable.

Not only did you embrace Wayne, you were open emotionally as well.

- That's a tremendous step for you. - I'm gonna put a tremendous step...

...upside your head if you don't shut up with that treehugger bull.

- He's a treehugger, that's his thing. - I know, but it's fucking lame.

With the tie-dyes and the vibes and the Birkenstocks.

Always trying to get me to change and grow and take it to the next level.

- I mean, does that shit work? - What do you mean?

Ever get any chicks with a lame angle like that?

Because I got a dozen chicks...

...coming through that door in like two seconds.

If you cock-block and pull out a Ouija board...

...I'm telling you right now, I'm gonna shoot you.

- It's not an angle. - I know it's not.

- It's a nonangle. - As it should be.

I mean, it's not about getting over.

It's about being real, communication.

How come I never see you having any real communication...

...with any real chicks, like, ever?

Maybe because I don't look at women the way you do.

I think women are beautiful. I think they're amazing.

I think they're the most magical of all of God's creations on Earth.

I am enamored with them.

I don't know how to pretend like I'm not.

- What are you talking about? - I'm talking about the 11 th-man theory.

Everybody knows the 11 th-man theory.

No, nobody knows the 11 th-man theory but you.

No, I know a little something about the 11 -man theory.

Shut up. What are you talking about?

Say there's a woman in a room with 10 men.

And all 10 men are telling her how beautiful she is...

...and how amazing she is.

They're lighting her cigarette, buying her drinks...

...just treating her like gold.

Then all of a sudden, in walks the 11 th man.

He takes one look at her, says, "How you doing?"...

...and starts talking to his boys.

That's the guy she wants to be with, the 11 th man...

...not any of the 10 men treating her well...

...but the one guy who couldn't care less.

And why? Because for some reason, women don't want nice.

They don't want real. They don't wanna be treated well.

I mean, not at first, and sometimes not ever.

And I think that's crazy, and I refuse to play that game.

I mean, you? You are a master at it, Sal.

But it's just not me. It's not who I am.

I don't wanna have to play that game.

You know, get a girl by pretending that I don't like her.

I wanna be with a woman who's real, who digs it when I'm nice to her...

...who doesn't see that as a weakness or take me for granted...

...when I tell her she's more amazing than anything else...

...in the entire world.

But unfortunately, most women aren't like that.

They say they are...

...and deep down inside, they wanna be...

...but they're not.

You know what? He's right. I never could understand that.

When I was a kid, every girl I liked had a boyfriend.

I'd have to hear about it all the time.

How he'd, you know, fuck their best friends...

...cheat on them, spend their money, wreck their car.

Then they'd come crying on my shoulder...

...because I was a good "friend."

And I'd ask them why:

"Why don't you dump the guy treating you like shit and be with me?"

I mean, I was right there. I'd lay the world at their feet if they let me.

But they'd always say the same thing.

"I can't, because I love him. I just love him."

- Yeah. - How would you know?

Believe me, being gay doesn't exclude you...

...from the neurosis of relationships.

I wish it did. It's the same all over.

Everybody's playing the "I like you, but you don't like me...

...when you do like me, I don't like you" game.

- It's insane. - Insanity.

Well, I hate to admit it, but I actually have to agree with him.

When I was a little kid, I used to bring girls flowers.

I'd write them poems and shit, fucking songs.

I even gave one... Remember Molly?

I gave her that locket for Valentine's Day.

Sal, you wrote songs?

Shut up. My point is this. You remember what she did to me?

Kicked me, threw the locket on the ground...

...and ran around telling the whole school I had fucking cooties.

I remember that. You went home in tears that day.

Those weren't tears, she threw sand in my eyes too.

- We were in the first grade, man. - No, my point is this.

Lt was like that for years...

...until I discovered the pattern to Pac-Man.

You got chicks because you could play Pac-Man?

No, stupid, I'm making an analogy here.

Chicks got a pattern. See? Like Pac-Man.

You remember Pac-Man, right? Pac-Man, motherfucker, had a pattern.

As long as you played the pattern right, you could never lose.

And George is right. For chicks, it's the 11 th-man theory.

As soon as you figure out how to be the 11 th man...

...you got no problem banging any chick.

Only now you have to deal with some manipulative freak you're stuck with...

...because you hooked her so good.

Which is why, gentlemen, I resigned myself a long time ago...

...to being a rich motherfucker.

That way I can afford...

...to have some young, hot, gold-digging armpiece...

...works out six to eight hours a day, just to take care of my physical needs.

Well, that's limiting.

What about intellectually, emotionally?

What about emotionally or intellectually?

Nowadays most women think monogamy is a type of wood.

They don't know how to be it.

They certainly don't know how to spell it.

They say men cheat? Who do you think we're cheating with?

Certainly not you, Wayne.

You think I'm gonna get emotionally connected to a woman like that?

And if I want intellectual stimulation, motherfucker, I'll read a book.

You're gonna go the rest of your life...

...just willing to settle for having to compartmentalize?

I don't even fucking understand what you said, but, yeah, sure, I'll do that.

No, I'm serious. At this point in my life, my idea of synergy...

...is getting a blowjob from Pamela Anderson...

...while reading Dostoyevsky.

George, you gotta stop putting chicks on a pedestal.

They'll just shit on you from up there. Tom too. Christ, me too.

Hey, George, if you want real, that's great.

Go deal with Portland bitches with the braided armpit hair...

...and the granola-eating habit, sporting that fucking bindi.

Hey, George. Hey, I'm talking to you. Hey. Hello? Ls that real?

Seriously, if I...? I have a question.

If I listen to Deepak Chopra, and I read that Celestine Prophecy...

...and I... my fucking ass off all day...

...while I reek of BO and sandalwood...

...and I got 10 different kinds of incense...

...coming out my fucking butthole, does that make me real?

Hey, motherfucker. Am I real, motherfucker?

I'll tell you right now.

Motherfucker, I may bullshit women, but I never bullshit myself.

Let me tell you, that is the biggest crock of shit...

...I've ever heard in my entire life, seriously.

- How the fuck would you know...? - No, no, no.

Please. Mr. Tough-Guy.

Got the whole fucking wide world sewn up in a tight little box...

...and you ain't even 40.

Well, I love you, but you ain't doing nothing but bullshitting.

What are you talking about?

You're the biggest romantic I know, more than any of us.

Who do you think you're fooling?

Come on, we've all known you since elementary school too.

Big, tough buddy boy, running around playing gangster.

But you didn't start out like that.

You wear your heart on your sleeve. It's the biggest heart in the world.

You still can't figure out...

...how to keep people from taking their shots at it.

You wanna talk about indoctrination, look at yourself.

- I didn't say shit about indoctrination. - You did.

You tried to sell Wayne on how he's not really a homosexual...

...because he didn't come out of the womb like that.

What about you? You think you came out of your mother...

...with all that attitude and shit that makes you you?

You didn't start out that way.

You gave a girl a locket necklace, man, and wrote her a fucking song.

You wanna talk about that?

Or you wanna talk about the 11 th man, game-playing, the vicious circle...

...and shit about how you're never gonna get hurt like when you were 16?

Well, I think you can't help it.

I think you do have feelings, in spite of yourself sometimes.

That is what you wrestle with. I mean, look at yourself, my man.

You were affected tonight by a woman with a glass fucking eye...

...who thought the word "prima donna" meant "before Madonna."

Come on, you're better than that. You could've been with any girl.

Instead, you thought you'd hook up with a girl...

...so far beneath your standards that she'd never have to hurt you.

Know what? She still hurt you. What's the point? Why not hold out...

...for one that spins your top and make it great with her?

How? If they're all so fucked up, you tell me how.

You gotta teach them.

You gotta teach them, man.

But that takes being a responsible member of the planet, Sal.

And I don't mean you gotta be a treehugger...

No offense, Georgie.

But everybody's so out for the fucking "me" these days.

It's not the X generation or the Y generation.

It's the brand-new me generation.

Everybody's so busy doing their dance in the end zone...

...they forget to notice the big picture...

...the scoreboard that reads that we're down by nine touchdowns.

If you meet a girl who doesn't know how to be monogamous...

...you can either say:

"This girl's so fucking stupid," and you can dump her...

...or you can say, "Baby, come here. Check this out: M-O-N-O-G-A-M-Y."

And you can show her how to be monogamous...

...by being monogamous yourself.

You want good people, man, make them good.

Anybody can be an asshole. Lt takes strength to be a man.

Ls that what you taught Karen?

Are you kidding me? That's what she taught me.

You remember how I was before I met her.

- Yeah. - Yeah, so do I.

Lt seems to me that we saw a lot more of you back then.

But I understand, you're pussy-whipped.

I'm not pussy-whipped. She's my best friend, that's all.

I'd rather hang out with her than anybody, even you.

Then what are you doing here, sneaking off...

...as soon as she falls asleep, when you know damn well...

...she's gonna wake up and drag your ass upstairs...

...faster than you can say "codependent"?

Yeah, but by the time that happens, she's gonna be taking me...

- ...to exactly where I wanna be. - Man.

- ...to exactly where I wanna be. - Man.

You're living in a fucking fantasyland. I can't believe I'm hearing this.

Since when did this start happening? I mean, look at you.

Karen is a ballbuster, man. She's a fucking ballbuster.

She is such a ballbuster, she's got you fucked up...

...and delusional and shit.

Kenny, you're a man. How can you live like that?

It's not a delusion, Sal.

You and I see things differently, that's all.

You see it as ballbusting, I see it as passionate.

- Do you see? - You see it as:

"I gotta pick her up from the airport." I see it as, "I get to."

All about how you look at it.

Well, I'm looking at you like you're out of your mind.

If that's what being married's about, you can keep that shit.

Ain't no way this motherfucker is ever getting married, you heard?

Why don't you tell that crock of shit to Tommy here?

He'll appreciate it.

For years, he's cashing his chips in early...

...going home to a girl who up and clotheslines his ass...

...and leaves him staggering around in the street...

...wondering what he did wrong.

What he did wrong.

How about that for a mindfuck? What? Tell me.

Come on, fuckers, tell me. He didn't love her enough?

He didn't treat her well enough? I don't think so.

We all agree, to a man, that Tommy is the best person we know.

Seems to me I recall, back in the day, him holding out...

...for one that spun his top, doing what he could to make it work.

- But it didn't work... - All right.

Because she dumped him, fucking dumped his ass.

The best guy we know does everything right.

She still dumps him. Your theory is shit.

I mean, it is fucking a bunch of shit. You wanna know why?

There's two people in a relationship, and they're both always changing.

So no matter what you do...

...how are you able to tell what the other person's gonna do tomorrow?

- All right, Sal. - No...

No, all right! Fuck, Sal.

- Fuck. - Sal, please.

No, no, Wayne, you shut up, too, for a second.

I mean, you guys are all so fucking selfish.

All of you, man.

You're talking about me like I'm not here.

- Tommy, look, I was just... - Fuck that. That's fucking bullshit, Sal.

I mean, you come into my home and all you talk about...

...is your problems, your feelings, your relationships.

Ever stop to think what I was going through?

I'm fucking dying over here, man.

It's not tomorrow or the next day or in the first fucking grade, Sal.

It's happening right now.

The love of my life walking through that door any minute.

She's gonna leave me, and I have no idea what I'm gonna do.

All I know is, I can't let that happen. I gotta get her back.

Now, either you guys help me figure this out now...

...or you get out of here and let me do it on my own...

...because whether you think so or not...

...Sara's the best thing that ever happened to me.

And I'm gonna do whatever it takes to get her back.

What if you don't?

What?

I was just...

Look, I was just being devil's advocate, all right?

What if you don't?

What if you don't get her back? What then?

Well, then I guess I'll just be like you, Sal.

- A man without love. - Very dramatic.

What kind of man is that, huh?

Angry? Vindictive? A monster?

But I'll be way worse than you, Sal, because you never had what I have.

The kind of love I have in my heart for Sara?

You lose that...

...well, I'd hate to be any girl that crosses my path any time soon.

Shut the fuck up. I don't wanna hear it.

If Sara wants to leave me, I'll start a new chapter of an old club.

The He-Man Woman-Haters Club. Remember that?

Remember that shit?

With Spanky and Alfalfa and Buckwheat?

They had this He-Man Woman-Haters Club.

They didn't take shit from Darla or any of them bitches.

- He's lost his mind. - They had the right idea back then.

I mean, you didn't see Darla...

...or any other chicks putting on shows, did you?

No. Spanky and Alfalfa ran the show.

And if them bitches wanted a part, they did what they were told.

Starsky and Hutch? No chicks. Successful.

Baretta? Lived with an old man and a bird.

No chick drama, no problem. Batman? Gay.

But only when he gets tempted by Catwoman did he have real problems.

Han Solo? With Chewie, he was fine.

He hooks up with Leia, his ass gets thrown in the carbonite.

Chicks are the downfall of every great man that lived:

Mark Antony, Othello, Bill Clinton, all of them.

And he who does not learn from history...

...is doomed to repeat its mistakes.

What was I thinking? I don't wanna be with Sara.

I want nothing to do with her. If she walked through that door now...

...the best thing I could do is throw her ass out.

I mean, this is still my house, right? I don't care how much I love her.

She can come, she can get her shit, and she can get the fuck out.

I never wanna see Sara again. I never wanna see another woman.

Masturbation, the key to the universe be.

If I never see another woman again, it'll be too soon in this motherfucker.

I'll handle this.

Ls this where the Valentine's thing is?

You gonna invite us in or what?

Did you see the looks on those guys' faces when we walked in?

- I felt like a steak in a sea of piranha. - Lt was not that bad.

These guys are cute...

...more than I can say for the last party Rachel took us to.

Twenty hot girls and two gross guys? What's wrong with that?

- What you get when you work in porn. - I don't work in porn.

I just do their hair.

- Whatever. - What's that guy Sal doing here?

- Isn't he some gangster? - A wannabe gangster.

A wannabe? The man carries a gun.

For show. He flashes it around. He'd never use it.

- How would you know? - Katherine used to go out with him.

- Is this true? - No, it is not true.

I slept with him once, but I never went out with him.

He was a perfect gentleman.

- Terrible lover, but a gentleman. - Terrible lover?

- What do you mean? - He thinks he's such a stud.

- Exactly. He doth protest too much. - He didn't know how to do it right?

Are you kidding? He did not know how at all.

I couldn't get this man to go down on me if we were on the Titanic.

- Shit. Why? - I don't know.

I think he said he had some sort of germ thing.

- Germ thing? - Like what? A phobia?

- A germ phobia? - I hate when guys say that.

- It makes me feel so unsanitary. - That's because you are.

Oh, go fuck yourselves.

But what about the penis, Kat? Was the penis bad too?

Yeah, what's with the dick?

Said he's got a cock the size of Florida.

- Is this true? - No, it is not true. It...

- It's what? - Like the Cape of Good Hope?

Like Cape Canaveral?

Ls it like the cape that Superman used to wear?

- Ever seen a Sunday paper rolled up? - Yes.

- Double that. - No!

How bad could that be? Unless the guy came in seconds.

Quick-draw-mcgraws are the worst.

Actually, he was the exact opposite. He took forever.

I got so frustrated...

...riding that monster so long without any foreplay, I went home.

- You went home? - What, in an ambulance?

No, in my car.

But I did have such blue balls from the whole experience...

...I had to call one of my zerves to finish the job.

A zerves? What's a zerves?

Reserves, Amy, as in the Army Reserves.

Always have a couple zerves...

...to call any time to rectify such a situation.

Guys that fix your car, help you move...

...come over in the night when you hear scary noises.

- Don't you have reserves? - No.

You mean to tell me there is nobody you can call to get over a breakup?

- I can call my mom. - That's really not the same, is it?

Oh, honey, you are missing out. You gotta try it sometime.

You use them like painkillers.

They tell you the things you wanna hear:

How great you are, how beautiful you are...

What a fucking idiot your boyfriend is.

And you get to be totally selfish in bed.

Because that's what they're for.

They know they'll never be Mr. Right. They're happy being Mr. Right-Now.

- Sure beats crying into your pillow. - Like my mother says:

The best way to get over someone is to get underneath someone else.

Amen, sister.

I can't come from a cock the size of Florida.

I need a tongue the size of Florida.

- You need Gene Simmons in there. - Exactly.

That's enough. Jesus Christ, I've heard enough.

That's disgusting, just disgusting.

I can't believe I'm hearing this. What happened to you?

You sound like men, with the blue balls and zerves.

I mean, what happened to closeness and intimacy?

When did you two become so desensitized?

You have to have sex...

...at least once every millennium before you can lecture us.

I might be the only woman left on Earth...

...who can lecture you on the subject.

Listen to yourselves. Where are your priorities?

Instead of getting some guy to rub out an orgasm and repair your fridge...

...don't you want somebody who will always be there for you...

...to protect you from those scary noises?

Are you delusional? You sound like a Hallmark card.

You can't argue with me. You used a word that does not exist.

- Really? And what word is that? - You used the word "always."

- "Always" is the key to heartbreak. - Why?

Because we expect that he will always be there.

We expect we'll always be loved, no matter what we do or look like.

That is clearly not the case, is it? Because we get fat. We get old.

We get traded in for younger models every day.

So the simple truth is...

...the only "always" is that everything changes.

Men's whims are the most changeable of all.

So "no, " I guess, is the answer to your question.

No, I do not want some guy to tell me he's always gonna be there...

...to protect me from scary noises, because then I know he's a liar.

- I can protect myself, thank you. - With what, your vibrator?

Are you gonna massage them to death?

- I don't need no vibrator. - I know.

You've got the population of Uruguay on speed dial...

...in case the Boston Celtics don't work out.

You know, you are such a fucking hypocrite, Laura.

You're one of those girls who sucks a million cocks...

...but only slept with three guys, so think you're some saint.

You're not. Blowjobs are exactly the same thing as having sex.

Ln fact, to some men, probably worse.

So not true. Blowjobs are different than having sex.

- It's not even the same thing. - Oh, it's not?

It's not the same to take some strange man's dick out...

...when you don't know where it's been or if he's showered...

...put it in your mouth, suck on it, and swallow his come...

...when you've known the guy for a few hours?

- You're right. Not the same thing. - Come on, a couple hours?

What is it, then, precious? A few days at the very most?

I mean, when you add it up...

...what is the total time you need to spend with a guy...

...before you're on your knees getting a throat culture?

What, six hours on the first date, four on the next?

- The time the two of you had "coffee"? - Why are you picking on me?

- I thought we were friends. - We are.

But you're full of shit, and I wouldn't be any real friend...

...if I didn't call that nice-girl bullshit you sell to every guy you go out with.

- What's that supposed to mean? - You know exactly what.

Lt means, when you start seeing a guy...

...do you tell him about the 8000 blowjobs you've given...

...or do you try to sell him on the fact that you've slept with three guys?

That's what I thought. So don't try selling it to me...

...because then you're not being a good friend to me.

You want a real relationship? Fine. Be honest.

If the man can't handle the truth about you...

...he can go fuck himself.

You can't handle the truth.

Remember that? With the guy from the Lakers game?

Rachel, since when are you anyone to tell anybody about relationships?

I'm the one woman in this room who sees things the way they are...

...instead of seeing them the way we want them to be.

You have stuffed animals on your bed, bunny magnets...

...and My Secret Garden crap around your house.

Tell me you have a firm grip on reality.

Relationships end, and they all end badly.

Otherwise, they wouldn't end.

And the only "always" is that they always end badly.

- You'd better change your perspective. - I'm sorry.

- I don't choose to see it that way. - Exactly. That's exactly my point.

But the reality is, they do. Think about it.

The best-case scenario in a relationship is one of you dies.

And that's the best it ever gets. Ls that a design flaw or what?

You meet the love of your life. You're together 50, 60 years.

Then one of you dies, leaving the other heartbroken and alone.

Alone to live out your miserable life, trying not to die from pain...

...and your only solace is bingo and applesauce.

- You go, girl. - And down from that, getting dumped.

Which I used to think was worse than dumping.

You feel so out of control, ugly, worthless...

...unworthy, self-conscious and just fucking lame.

I mean, Jesus.

I used to think getting dumped was worse than dumping someone else...

...until finally I dumped someone myself.

Let me tell you something, ladies.

Lt is way, way, way worse than getting dumped yourself...

...because now you have to deal with the fact that it is your idea.

Lt was your action, so you're constantly second-guessing yourself.

"Did I do the right thing? Ls he the best I'm gonna find?

Am I gonna be alone for life because I threw away the best thing...

...that's ever gonna happen to me?"

And that comes before you have to try to turn that person...

...into someone you could hate...

...so you could try to find a way to live with that decision.

I think it's pretty clear.

I would rather get dumped than dump someone else.

But then, I really don't ever have to worry about that again.

Ladies.

- Can I have a Bushmills, straight? - Yeah, you got it.

Hi. My name is Tom, and this is my place.

And the thing is, I'm going through a lot of unexpected things...

...and I really, really, would...

Tom, don't worry about it.

We're gonna have one drink and then go.

I got the picture when we walked in the door.

Well, I'm sorry... You did?

I don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable...

...but what picture is that, exactly?

That your girlfriend broke up with you and she's on her way here...

...to pick up those suitcases.

You got all that from walking in here?

No, I got that from the letter on the table.

We were all reading it in the bathroom. Tom, it is absolutely horrible.

Oh, my God.

- Are you kidding me? - What just got into her?

- No one yet, that's the problem. - Rachel's fine.

Fucked up, insecure and emotional. Sure, she's fine.

Do you know how hard it is to do what she does?

- Yes, scheduling can be a problem. - Rachel tells men where they stand.

- Behind her while she's bent over. - Rachel tells men the truth.

Not what they wanna hear, the actual truth.

That's admirable, considering that, as women, we're conditioned to lie.

- What are you talking about? - I got to hear this.

You know how a man, if he has sex with a hundred women, he's a stud?

A woman sleeps with 10 guys, she's a whore.

How does a woman not feel she has to lie...

...with that ridiculous double standard?

That's not lying, just not giving all the information.

- No, that's justification. - If men weren't so infantile...

...about their women's history, we wouldn't lie.

Know how easy my relationship would've been...

...if I didn't have to deal with "Did you fuck him?" questions?

"Did you fuck him? Did you fuck him?"

"Who was that? Did you fuck him? Who you on the phone with?"

"Why's there a guy's voice on your machine? You fuck him?"

- The younger the guy is, the worse. - Or Latino.

Heaven forbid they meet anyone you have been with.

- It's sulking for days. - Or attitude.

- They never stop bringing shit up. - "Why don't you fuck so-and-so?"

That's just when you're dealing with their insecurities about other men.

Don't even get me started on the bedroom.

Know how patient I have to be with these oversized babies?

Like my mother says:

"I already got two children, I don't need a third."

You admit that lying is part and parcel to your relationships?

Ls it lying to tell a child there's a Santa if it makes him feel better?

Ls it lying not to tell a man about fucking the Raiders...

...if it makes him feel better about marrying you?

As far as I can see, we don't have any choice.

If I have to choose between not telling a man every detail...

...about my life so things go smoothly...

...or being honest and staying up all night fighting...

...there ain't no choice, you know?

I do. And, Amy, you're right. Men can't handle the truth.

And the sooner we learn that, the smoother things will be.

Excuse me.

Sorry, I can't believe things have gotten that bad...

...that relationships have turned into one big coping contest...

...we try to endure like Chinese water torture.

See, sweetie, that's why I only date married men.

I know they're unavailable, and there's a limit to the torture.

That is so wrong on so many levels, I don't even know what to say.

You went out with Sal. He was never married.

I know that now, but I didn't then. The man used to wear a wedding ring.

He later told me that he wore it to attract women.

- Did it? - Hell, it attracted me.

Oh, my God, Katherine, why?

Because, Deb, I figure if a man is married...

...there's gotta be something good about him. At least he can commit.

You make him cheat. The commitment goes out the window.

By that time, I'm over him.

Don't you understand what I'm trying to tell you here?

- No. - It's not about the sex, sweetie.

Lt never is. Anybody can have sex. It's about the walk up the stairs.

Okay.

Ls it me, or is everybody else on this planet just absolutely crazy?

Oh, no, we're all definitely crazy.

It's just the ones who think they're not that you have to worry about.

But what do I know? I don't know anything.

This is bad. This is bad. This is really, really, really bad.

- Relax, Tom. - Relax?

There are girls in my apartment, hot girls, drinking.

When Sara gets here, she's gonna think I'm being blasé.

- No, she's not. - She is.

She's not gonna think you're blasé.

The girls being here could work to your advantage.

Chicks see you with other chicks, it make them want you more.

I'm not out with these chicks.

- She doesn't know that. - You think I want her to think that?

- I'd be done for sure. - You're broken up. Do what you want.

- It's been an hour. So? - So? So?

You're either broken up or not, no gray area.

People get fucked up in the in-between stage.

You're not together, but not supposed to fuck anyone else.

The one who fools around first is the bad guy.

"I can't believe you're with someone. It's only been two weeks."

Whoever doesn't move on always feels like they got hit by a truck.

Yeah, but I don't wanna move on.

- I already feel like I got hit by a truck. - You may wanna have another drink.

Let me have one of those too. Scotch, rocks. Hello, I'm Katherine.

Hi. Ken. Of course you know Sal.

- And this is Tom. - Hi, what time is she getting here?

- Great, everybody knows. - Any second.

Really? Do you want us to go?

No, I'm still trying to think out my strategy.

- You ever think about using us? - See?

- Maybe. - Feel free, honey.

Women want what they can't have.

Believe me, if she walks in...

...thinking she has the upper hand and finds you with us...

...looking like a pimp, she might just decide to stay.

- You think so? - Honey, I know so.

Ambivalence is a powerful aphrodisiac.

I see someone who's actually hot. Come on, let's go get extroverted.

Unless you're Sal, in which case you come off looking like a fool.

Yes, Sal the fool. But I understand he has ways of making up for it.

- I wouldn't know about that. - Don't play coy with me.

- I know you were practically engaged. - I wouldn't say that.

- Yes, but you did meet Uncle Miltie. - Can I take the Fifth?

Please, I've been trying to crack this bottle open for years.

Please, I've been trying to crack this bottle open for years.

Oh, my God, those shoes are incredible.

- Don't you love them? - More than life.

What I'd give to be a size 5. Charles David?

- Prada. - Oh, my God, they're adorable.

- Do they do custom orders? - My God, are you kidding?

They're my design. I work for the manufacturer.

- Are you serious? - Like totally.

Oh, my God. I'm getting married in June.

I would love if those works of art could be part of my ensemble.

- Are you serious? - Like totally.

Oh, my God, I'm flattered. I'll totally make it happen.

- Tell me everything. Ls he to die for? - To die for this man is easy.

- It's living for him that's hard. - Oh, my God.

You can't pull the 11 th-man theory on Debbie, she's a friend.

You can't fuck your friends, who can you fuck? How you doing?

- Hi, I'm George. - Hi, George. I'm Amy.

- What do you got there? - It's an Etch A Sketch.

I love how Tom leaves it out to see what people do.

So you did know what it was when you asked?

- Yeah, but, you know... - Why did you say:

"Hey, what do you got there?" like you didn't know what it was?

No, no, no, I didn't say:

"Hey, what do you got there?" like, "I don't know what that is."

I said, "Hey, what do you got there?" like:

"What do you got there?" Like:

"I know what that is, but for some reason, I want you to tell me."

What is that, like some sort of game for you?

I have no idea what to say right now.

You don't need to say anything, silly. I'm kidding. Sit down.

- Okay. - I'm making a picture.

Wow, you did a whole thing.

- It's two people holding hands. - Holding hands. Of course.

I thought it was the symbol for United Way.

- It stands for unity. And friendship. - Unity? Friendship?

Do you know how to make origami?

Random segues aside, no, I... Sadly, I don't.

But if you give me paper and a pen...

...I can show you something origami-esque.

- God, are you serious? - Like totally.

- Excuse me, are you Sal? - Depends. Are you a bill collector?

- No. - Were you once a man?

- No. Oh, yeah. - You over 18? Then, yeah, I'm Sal.

How you doing? You know Tom?

Tom, sorry, it's taking us longer to get out than I thought.

I'm gonna gather the girls. We're gonna go.

No, no, don't go. Right, Tom?

I think I just heard George break out his Ouija board.

I can't do this. I'm gonna go see if she's here.

Don't do that. She's not here. If she was, she'd be here, right?

- Not if she's trying to find parking. - Tom...

- I'm gonna go outside and check. - Don't go.

- Wow, he's got it bad. - No shit.

- I hope I never get that way. - Me neither.

- What'd you say your name was? - Rachel.

That's right, Rachel. You're Kat's friend, huh?

- Apparently, so are you. - A long time ago.

Hope she didn't have too many bad things to say.

Only thing I remember her saying...

...is you didn't feel well the night you went out.

- Really? - Yeah, said you were a little hoarse.

- Really? - Yes, he's on his way over.

- Oh, my God, what's his name? - Kwame Damfu.

But I call him Chocolate Thunder.

- Oh, my God, is he black? - Girlfriend, is he ever.

He's from the island, so he smells like the ocean.

Put your ear to his chest, you hear waves.

Do your parents know?

Wouldn't know a bowling ball if it hit them in the head.

The world can keep their opinions to themselves.

- But what about the sex? - You gotta talk about the sex.

- How else will you learn? - Learn?

You're talking to a man who can suck a baby through a bench.

Do you think I got that way on my own?

I can't even believe I'm hearing this.

- Will you teach me? - For Prada shoes? Anything.

Anything?

Any one thing about yourself you could change.

- Five. - One, two, three, four, five.

I think I would like to change the way I look at the world.

- Green. - Really? How so? G-R-E-E-N.

I'd like to look at the world...

...as though every single person on Earth...

...was totally and completely enlightened except me.

You don't say.

I'd always learn something new from everyone I meet.

- Interesting. - Blue.

- There's no blue. - Red.

R-E-D. Basically, no experience would ever be lost.

No matter how much adversity you're faced with...

...you'd always continue to grow.

- Pick an environmental organization. - Greenpeace.

Look under the flap for Greenpeace.

Oh, my God. What do you think that means?

What do you do with your hands? Just twist it on the stroke?

- Or do you go handsfree? - Oh, my God.

I am so glad you asked me that.

Whoever's down there for you couldn't possibly know what you need them to.

It's the same with us. I know men who make women stop.

- "It's not a fucking artichoke." - Are you kidding?

- Girlfriend, I so am not. - Do you think that's me?

- I thought I was so good. - Honey, every woman does.

Lt takes a man to know a man. Frankly, I am like the Shaolin master.

- Are you serious? - Totally.

- What do I do? - First you gotta love it.

If you don't, you shouldn't be there. You have to get in there and just:

I cannot tell you what a positive attitude will do for a blowjob.

- Got it. - Next, you gotta take it all.

- All? - You want perfection, don't you?

But what if he's, like, Shaq? I'm a small girl.

Then, honey, you have to learn to unhinge like a fucking python.

You will never be queen until you learn to swallow the king.

- Oh, my God. - You gotta work that taint.

Use a lot of saliva, absolutely no teeth.

Last but certainly not least, the quintessential move.

- The keys to the kingdom. - Yes?

The way to fucking bang cock in Bangkok is...

- Yeah? - You gotta lick that ass.

Don't even be shy about it, sweetheart.

- You gotta get all up in there. - What?

Ask any man who's had it done well and they will tell you:

"Lt ain't a blowjob until you've tapped that ass."

I cringe to think what else she had to say.

- She didn't say much. - Compared to what?

- Girls talk. You know this. - I guess that rules out you and me.

- Why? - Don't girls have a code?

I've been Katherine, a friend of yours, so...

If I met a girl that'd been with a friend, she'd be off-limits till the end of time.

Don't you girls have that same rule?

Some do, but women are more competitive...

...so once word gets out on a man with potential...

...women do some pretty outlandish shit.

Really?

Nothing so overt as the 11 th-man theory.

But women have to make everything seem like the man's idea.

- You know about 11 th-man? - Doesn't everybody?

- George told you, didn't he? - Yep, at the bar.

- Bastard. - You see, women are more subtle.

- They circle. - Like sharks.

They get a man in their sights...

...and put themselves in close physical proximity to him...

...so he's forced to make a move, making him think he is the aggressor.

You go through that just to get a guy to talk?

You have no idea what we go through.

You guys are like the fucking Godfather or something.

If you're so smart and know so much, what am I supposed to do?

You're supposed to ask me to go outside...

...to help you bring that thing in from the car.

And somehow, we never seem to make it back.

- Really? - Really.

- Remind me never to piss you off. - Don't worry.

I'll make sure you get all the right instructions.

What instructions? Take two parts H, one part O.

Then pour them down the drain.

You never water down a 40-year-old Scotch.

I'm glad to see Tom has you around to stay on top of these things.

I'm trying to get as numb as possible before Tom's girl gets here.

This is gonna hurt me almost as bad him.

You really think she's over him?

Women don't make a move unless they're ready.

They could be with a guy and spend the last six months...

...trying to get over the guy, so when they're ready, they move on.

Guys are totally different.

When they break up, they do it fast, but can spend years...

...trying to get over the girl because they don't think it through.

I take it you don't have any huge love problems...

...walking through that door.

No, I'm married.

That's why you're out at 3:00 in the morning drinking with the boys.

No, I'm not exactly out drinking, I live upstairs.

- Your wife doesn't drink? - No, I don't sleep. I'm an architect.

I do most of my drawing at night, and when my wife nods off...

...I sometimes come down here to procrastinate.

Okay, so are you gonna stick with that one...

...or you want some time to come up with something else?

Man, I ain't got time to think of nothing else.

- She's not here now. - She's gonna be.

The anticipation is giving me a panic attack.

Can you please just calm down? Just relax and breathe.

Oh, yeah, right. Breathe, breathe.

People say, "Breathe," when you can't breathe.

If you could, you'd be breathing. Makes no sense.

A lot of things don't make sense, like waiting outside...

...for a woman who doesn't appreciate you and has no idea who you are.

- What are you talking about? - How long have you been together?

- Three years? - Yeah.

- Did you ever think about cheating? - No.

- Ever lie to her? Ever hit her? - No. No.

- Treat her badly? - No.

- Tell her she was beautiful? - Every day.

- Remember her birthday? - Course.

And you bought her flowers, even for no apparent reason at all?

- Yeah. - That's exactly what I'm talking about.

You are a good man. You are a decent human being.

If she doesn't know what kind of man you are...

...then I am sorry, she doesn't deserve to be with you.

So now you're out here, freaking out for no good reason.

No, I think there's a pretty good reason.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

I was gonna ask Sara to marry me tonight.

What?

I went to the bar to knock back a couple shots of liquid courage...

...so I can come home and have the nerve to ask her.

Never got the chance.

- And she still doesn't know? - No.

But wait a sec. No, no, no.

What about this party and all of these people in there?

Sal invited you guys, didn't he? I mean, I didn't.

I only invited him, Ken and George.

I thought it would be cool if they were here when I asked.

Surprise them all, you know, it being Valentine's Day.

You're telling me all those guys don't know either?

No. I think it's actually ironic...

...that all Sara ever talked about was us getting married...

...and now when I'm finally ready to do it, she's gone.

Do you think maybe she got sick of waiting?

I don't know.

You have to tell her. You know that, Tom.

I know it's gonna seem like really bad timing and everything...

...but you know you have to tell her.

- It's not too late. - I don't know, Deb.

I mean, it just doesn't seem right.

Girl not wanting to be with you because you don't ask her to marry...

...within the time frame she feels is appropriate?

- What about love? - Tom...

I always wanted to marry Sara, Deb. Always.

I just wanted it to be my idea, you know?

And not feel like I'm being pressured...

...into doing something I was gonna do in the first place.

If... If two people really love each other, that's what should matter.

And all this necessity to get married and stuff...

...is just insecurity.

I hate to break it to you, Tom, but women need security.

Everybody does, Deb, don't they?

- What exactly are you trying to say? - I'm not trying to say anything.

- What exactly are you trying to say? - I'm not trying to say anything.

I just know men, that's all.

- You do? - Especially the married kind.

And I know that if you're sneaking out...

...at 3:00 in the morning while your wife's in bed sleeping...

...then you're not just down here drinking, baby.

- You're here looking for something. - And what do you suppose that is?

- Probably yesterday. - Yesterday?

You can't just go out and win the Kentucky Derby every year.

Eventually they gotta put you out to stud.

But I bet you used to be the man back in the day, didn't you?

Okay, hold on.

What's all this "yesterday" and "used to be" business?

Oh, now, sugar, don't go getting any more gray hairs over it.

Lt happens to every man, and I can tell by looking at you...

...I bet right before you hung it up, you left a trail behind you.

Probably had their panties all wet, lungs breathing hard, talking about:

"Can I come by and pick up that thing I accidentally left on purpose?"

But you got bored and thought you'd settle down...

...with a woman who'd settle you down.

You didn't realize that sort of shit got to happen from the inside.

Ain't no woman on Earth can do that for you.

But now you're married...

...with that wolf still running around in your head, screaming:

"Oh, I got to get out and run."

So that's why, on restless nights like this when you can't sleep...

...you feel the need to come here and rub against it.

You know why, Kenny?

Because deep down inside, you are still the man.

- Thank you. - Good night.

I'll be right there. Excuse me, Tom, I'll say good night.

- Where you going? - I'm gonna show Rachel that thing.

- What thing? - You know, that thing in my car.

- No, I don't know. What thing? - You know, that thing.

Ln my car. The can't-get-lost system.

- Oh, the can't-get-lost system. - Can't-get-lost system.

- Also known as the Northstar system. - The Northstar system.

I thought you were gonna stay and help me out.

I'm not good with the boy-girl thing. Anything I say is gonna make it worse.

I don't think that's necessarily true.

I'm dealing with a force greater than my own.

If you'll excuse me...

I'm gonna go show Rachel the Northstar system in my car.

Good night, Tom.

I never thought I'd say this, but Sal may have met his match.

Believe me, you don't even know the half of it.

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

I'm about to open the door. What does it look like?

When you're with me, you don't touch a door.

Not that you can't. I know you can.

Lt would just be my honor if you let me do that for you.

Are you gonna walk on the street when I'm on the sidewalk?

And behind when you go up the stairs, in front when you go down.

I know my Emily Post.

- I'm impressed. - No need, really.

It's what every man should know and no man really does.

Will you let me pick up the check?

You can pretend to reach, just so I can say, "Baby, don't be ridiculous."

Katherine did say you were a gentleman.

Oh, I can be gentle sometimes...

...till it's time to be not so gentle.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for 3356 Commonwealth. Do you know where I might find this?

Yeah, it's right there. I just came out of there.

Thank you. Wait.

Do you by chance know my friend Wayne, for whom I am looking?

I am Kwame Damfu.

Yeah, I know your friend, partner. He's a friend of mine too.

- I'm Sal. - Sal. I'm so very blessed to meet you.

Wayne has told me many wonderful things about you.

That's because he's a good person. You should remember that.

- Oh, I will, always. - That's good.

Because I'd hate to have to remind you, you understand?

Yes. I understand.

That's good, because right now he may be your boy...

...but he's always been my boy.

Nice to meet you, Kwame.

Have a good night.

Say I'm wrong. Say I'm wrong...

...and I will finish my drink, gather up my girls, and I will leave.

But if I'm right... Oh, baby, if I'm right.

Then do yourself a favor, Kenny.

Cut yourself a break. Live a little.

Come with me now...

...because life is too short, and you only live once.

But if you live it right, once can be enough.

- You really think so? - Yes.

- And you honestly mean that? - Yes.

- Then you know what, Katherine? - What?

That is the most cheesiest-ass bullshit I have ever heard in my entire life.

But I bet the speech works on a lot of married men, doesn't it?

Backed-up fools who are tired of fucking their wives...

...and hate their marriage.

When they hear you repeat that shit, they can't wait to get freaky with you...

...playing "Glory Days" on the radio, thinking they still got it.

- I don't think you... - No, no, I know. You don't think.

Sweetie, you probably should...

...because you're out breaking a lot of people's hearts...

...and hurting a lot of people you don't even realize you're hurting.

And that ain't fucking cool.

So now go gather up your girls and go.

And the next time, try having some respect...

...for people's relationships.

Nowadays, not a lot of people do.

Kenneth Albert Anderson.

Why are you here drinking at 3:00 in the goddamn morning?

- Kenny, your wife's here. - Thank you.

Sorry-ass motherfucker.

Are you kidding me with this? Again?

- Come on, girls, let's go. - Don't leave without me.

Wait, where's everybody go...?

Turn down my good shit. I ain't never coming here again.

If you make me get out of bed and come looking for you...

...one more time, just one more time...

Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do?

Then you'd better have one of those for me.

- Kwame. - Wayne.

- I'm so glad you're here. - See what I did there?

- That whole irate-wife thing? - Very convincing.

- Let me introduce you to my friends. - Oh, my God, Tom. Sara's outside.

On second thought, maybe not. Come on, let's evaporate.

- What's she doing? - She's looking for parking.

- Shit, she can't find parking. - Good, Sara's coming up?

- Yeah, but we're leaving. - George!

Yes, can't you see? You have a terrible green hue.

- Are you flushed? Seeing spots? - No, but will you take my temperature?

- George! She can't find parking. - Be strong, Tommy.

And remember, you have to tell her. Please tell me you're gonna tell her.

- Tell her. Don't forget. - George!

Would you wanna go out sometime, get an ice-cream cone or something?

- Ice-cream cone? - Yeah.

Or the observatory or Color Me Mine.

Of course I would. I think that would be fun.

- Wow, great. - George, the booze.

The booze, George. She's gonna think I'm celebrating.

- I got it. No, I got it. - Need help?

I put my number under "yellow" in the... thing.

If you wanna call me or if late at night, there's ever a scary noise...

...and you don't have anyone to call, then you can call me.

- Thanks, George. - Yeah.

- George, come on. - I'd better get going.

Okay, well, goodbye. Bye.

- Bye. - Oh, shit.

And thanks for having us, Tom. I really had a good time.

No problem, Amy. No problem, thanks for coming.

You figured out what you're gonna do yet?

Wanna know the truth? Not a clue.

Then I think that you should probably close this door...

...and not really open it until you've thought of what you're gonna say.

Look, you don't understand. She's outside trying to find parking.

When she does, she's gonna come in and just...

- How about "I love you"? - Excuse me?

What about telling her you love her?

Well, that's great and everything. Lt is, Amy, it is.

But, you know, it's... It's not that simple.

I mean...

It isn't like we haven't said that to each other a million times before.

You know, I just... I...

I just don't think that means anything to anybody now.

- What are you talking about? - I mean, it's true, isn't it?

Either people say it too much or they say it and don't mean it.

I mean, it's just words to me now.

Well, maybe that's because...

...you don't really know what those words mean yourself.

Yeah.

Do you know what love really is, Tom?

Love is a one-way street going from you out.

And you give it because it makes you feel good.

When you give it, it makes you strong.

And that crazy, vulnerable, out-of-control, scary feeling...

...the feeling that most people think is love?

It's not really love at all. It's just the need to be loved.

And believe me, it's a very different thing.

Love isn't, "I love you," hoping the person's gonna say:

"I love you too." It's just, "I love you."

It's like giving someone a gift at Christmas...

...and if you get anything back, that's a bonus, that's extra.

But you shouldn't need to receive it...

...because the true strength is in the giving of it.

But then again, that's just what I think.

But what do I know? I don't know anything.

- Hi. - Hi.

Looks like you had a few people over tonight.

Yeah, well, it's Valentine's Day, remember?

You know, as hard as I tried...

...I couldn't seem to figure out a way to get those two bags into my car.

You want a drink or something?

Look, okay, Sara, look at me for a second, all right?

For a second. I know you got a lot on your mind.

I know you got a lot of things to figure out.

And up until very recently, I thought...

I thought I needed you here with me in my life...

...for me to feel the way I feel about you.

But just all of a sudden, I just... I suddenly realized I don't.

I mean, I want us to be together and everything.

But I just realized I don't need you here with me...

...in order for me to love you, because I'm always gonna love you.

And if you were to leave now and go to China for six months...

...I'm still gonna love you.

And if you gain 50 pounds, I'm still gonna love you.

And you know what?

After this moment, if I never see you again, I'm still gonna love you.

And if you don't feel that way about me...

...I know it's gotta be tough on you...

...because it's been hell on me as it is...

...and I know that you're the greatest thing that ever was.

And I'm just lucky to have spent the last three years of my life with you.

But I do love you, Tom.

I know.

Maybe I should stay and we can talk.

No, no, no, I think you should go.

I think you should go...

...and figure out whatever it is you gotta figure out.

And if you wanna come back, come back.

And if you don't, that's cool too.

But whatever happens, you gotta know:

You're the love of my life...

...and I'm just lucky to have known you.

Good night, Sara.

Hey, Tom.

Kitchen's clean.

Good. Snap on the stereo.

We're gonna make two more dirty glasses.

What exactly is the story with that guy?

Strange you should ask.

- Got a cock the size of Florida. - That's what I hear.

But his tongue, what does he do with his tongue?

I hear he can part his hair with his tongue.

Really? Must be the yoga.

- Downward-facing doggy style. - Yeah.

He told me he could lick his asshole. He did. He did, I swear to God.

- Cut. - Didn't you say that earlier?

I got no... I got no problem holding...

You spend so much time going to places you never go...

...trying not to run into people you do know.

It's just... It's not practical. Besides...

This chocolate looks good.

We're ready to rock. Let's do it. Everybody ready?

- You're goddamn right. - Let's roll.

And action.

Come on.

Because you only live once...

...and, you know, life is so short.

But if you do it right and you live it right...

...once can be enough.

What?

I didn't expect that the scene was gonna go that way.

Can be enough.

You can't lean in that close to give me...

- Why? You told me to. - No, but not that close.

- Okay. - Because then I'm pulling away.

- All right. - I gotta lean into you.

You said get up in your face.

- You know. - All right, let's do it.

The best ensemble in a bathroom.

The best potty performance you'll ever see.

Only being honest. Are you getting this over there? Fuck.

All right, listen up, people.

I have one thing to say about this last take.

I loved it, but I'll never use it.

Oh, my God, Sal's gay.

God. You see what happens when you try to be nice?

Your friends think you're a fag. So much for karma.

You gotta get down there and kind of:

Kind of: Kind of: Gotta get in there and just:

I cannot tell you the positive att... I cannot tell you what a positive att...

I mean, really, you gotta get in there and:

Ln there and: Kind of:

Just kind of:

I cannot tell you what a positive attitude will do for a blowjob.

- Got it. - Next, you gotta take it all.

- All? - You want perfection, don't you?

Yeah, but what if he's, like, Shaq? I'm a small girl.

Well, then, honey, you have to learn to unhinge...

...like a fucking python.

You'll never be queen unless you learn to swallow the king.

Goddamn it, you've gotta learn to unhinge like a motherfucking python.

You'll never be queen unless you learn to swallow the king.

You've gotta unhinge like a python. Let me tell you something.

Well, then, honey, you have got to learn to unhinge like a fucking py...

Then you have to learn to unhinge like a fucking python.

You'll never be queen unless you learn to swallow the king.

Oh, my God.

- Becky, look at his butt. - Lt is so big.

Your bullshit.

You know what? That's bullshit.

- That's a lot of bullshit. - Okay, good.

They don't understand that they created the Frankensteins they abhor.

- Frankenstein was a whore? - Leave my wife out of this.

Imagine that conversation.

"We have some bad news and some good news.

The bad news is, we've found some growth...

...in the cortex of your brain.

The good news is...

...you can start sucking dick immediately."

Fantastic, I love that take, but I'll never use it.

All right, Sal.

Yeah, me too. I used to love it. Tom always... Sorry.

Tape this shit up.

Oh, my God. What do you think that means?

Well, when I see dogs having sex, I think it means...

Good, one last time just on that first part.

No, no, I don't think so.

If the rest of the world could just keep their opinions... to themselves.

If that's what being married's about, you can keep that shit.

Ain't no way this motherfucker's ever getting married.

- You heard? - Whatever.

If that's what being married's about, keep that shit.

Ain't no way this motherfucker's ever getting married.

- You heard? - Whatever.

If that's what being married's about, keep that shit.

No way this motherfucker's getting married.

Okay. Okay, good.

We've got all that? It's all covered? Cut.