Original subtitles

A TOAST.

ON THE EVE OF HER WEDDING,

TO MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER

AND HER BEAUTIFUL MOTHER.

OOH! THANK YOU, DADDY.

THANK YOU, HONEY.

AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMEONE?

YES.

UH, TO DOUG.

MAYBE I'M WRONG.

[SIGHS] I'M SO EXCITED FOR THE TWO OF YOU.

OH, YEAH.

I WANNA--I WANNA CRY.

BUT I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULDN'T

BECAUSE MY EYES WILL GET PUFFY.

AND THAT IS THE SENSITIVE NATURE

THAT STOLE THE HEART OF MY DAUGHTER.

AND KNOCKED HER UP.

SO, DOUG,

WELCOME TO OUR FOLD.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE PART OF A FOLD.

ALL RIGHT.

AHEM. MAYBE WE SHOULD LET THEM

GET THEIR BEAUTY SLEEP.

YES, AND DOUG, YOU SLEEP IN.

GOOD NIGHT. LOVE YOU GUYS.

LOVE YOU, HONEY. LOVE YOU, BABE.

MWAH! SLEEP GOOD.

MMM.

OH, WAIT.

ISN'T IT BAD LUCK FOR THE, UH, GROOM

TO SEE THE BRIDE THE NIGHT BEFORE THE WEDDING?

HONEY, SHE'S THREE MONTHS PREGNANT.

THEY LIVE IN A TRAILER IN OUR BACKYARD.

LUCK HAS SPOKEN.

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

SEE YOU IN THE MORNING.

YOU HAPPY, BABE?

[SIGHS]

PROMISE NOT TO TELL ANYONE?

YES, I DO.

I AM.

I AM.

I'M FEELING HOPE.

OH, WAIT A MINUTE.

THAT'S JUST GAS.

COME ON. THERE'S NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF.

AT LEAST, THAT'S WHAT OUR SHRINK TELLS US.

OH, YOU MEAN DR. WINEGLASS?

[SNICKERING]

LUCKY FOR US HE MAKES HOUSE CALLS.

YES, HE DOES.

COME ON, EDDIE. LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.

AND WHAT WOULD THAT BE?

HMM.

MOST MARRIAGES END IN DIVORCE.

AW, THAT'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT YOU.

YOU'RE ALWAYS MY LITTLE RAY OF SUNSHINE.

WITH YOU, THE WINEGLASS IS ALWAYS HALF FULL.

NOT FOR LONG.

YEP. [CLINK]

[SIGHS]

AHH! OH, GOD. THAT WAS GREAT.

WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

I KNOW.

HA!

TOMORROW IS ALLY'S WEDDING DAY,

AND I AM GONNA BE BEAUTIFUL.

YOU JUST SAID YOU'RE GONNA BE BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT DID I SAY?

YOU SAID, "I'M GONNA BE BEAUTIFUL."

NO, I DID NOT.

SHE IS GONNA BE BEAUTIFUL.

BUT I'M GONNA LOOK DAMN GOOD, TOO.

I JUST HOPE IT DOESN'T TURN INTO A GRIMM'S FAIRY TALE.

IT IS NOT GONNA BE GRIM.

I'M GONNA BE ROMANTIC AND PERFECT.

SEE? YOU JUST SAID IT AGAIN.

NO, YOU SAID, "I'M GONNA BE ROMANTIC AND PERFECT."

[LAUGHING] I DID NOT. NO, YOU DID.

NO. JUST GO TO SLEEP. OK. ALL RIGHT.

BUT YOU DID SAY IT.

ARE YOU NERVOUS?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

HEY, NOTHING CAN GO WRONG, ALLY.

DOUG, DON'T SAY THAT.

IT'S A WEDDING. EVERYTHING CAN GO WRONG.

STOP WORRYING

AND ENJOY YOUR LAST NIGHT

AS MS. STARK.

TOMORROW, YOU BECOME MRS. VON STEUSSEN-STARK.

I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO SPELLING THAT

TO EVERYONE I MEET FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

IT'S A GREAT NAME, DOUG.

ALTHOUGH IT DOES GIVE ME

THE SUDDEN URGE TO BOMB LONDON.

GOOD NIGHT, MRS. VON S-T-E-U-S-S-E-N-DASH-STARK LIKE IT SOUNDS.

BEFORE YOU TAKE YOUR FINAL VOWS,

IS THERE ANYONE HERE WHO OBJECTS TO THE UNION OF THESE TWO PEOPLE?

[BANGING]

I OBJECT!

I DON'T WANT MY DAUGHTER TO MARRY

THIS LOWLIFE, NO-GOOD...

WE CAN CONTINUE NOW.

SO, NOW, WITH THE POWER INVESTED IN ME

BY MOTHER NATURE AND THE FOUR WINDS--

[KNOCKING] DOUG.

DOUG, WE NEED YOUR HELP.

WHAT'S WRONG, LITTLE FELLA?

GREEDY MEN ARE DESTROYING THE ECOSYSTEM

AND POISONING MY COUSINS, THE WHALES.

ONLY YOU CAN HELP US.

WELL, GUYS, I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF MY WEDDING RIGHT NOW.

IT'S YOUR CALL, DOUG.

HONEY, DO YOU MIND IF I GO SAVE THE WHALES?

DOUG, WHATEVER YOU THINK IS RIGHT

IS THE RIGHT THING FOR THE PLANET.

UH, DOUG, BEFORE YOU GO,

COULD YOU GET MOTHER JOY ANOTHER DRINKIE?

UH, AND PUT IT ON THE ROCKS

BEFORE THE ICECAPS MELT.

SO YOU'RE FINALLY AWARE OF GLOBAL WARMING.

NO, I'M AWARE OF VODKA WARMING.

WELL, AS LONG AS I'M AROUND,

THE ICECAPS'LL NEVER MELT.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

FOLLOW ME, FELLAS.

[GIGGLING] HEY!

YOU DID THAT ON PORPOISE.

[TEXAS ACCENT] WHERE'D YOU HIDE THE TUNA?

I WANT MY SANDWICH.

[LAUGHING]

THERE IS NO MORE TUNA.

YOU OVERFISHED THEM.

WRONG ANSWER, FAT BOY.

OPEN THAT BLOWHOLE.

[COUGHING]

Doug: HEY, YOU.

STOP TORTURING THAT WHALE.

THIS AIN'T TORTURE.

IT'S AGGRESSIVE INTERROGATION.

DOESN'T EVEN HURT.

WAIT A MIN--STOP! STOP!

I-IT HURTS.

HAVE YOU LEARNED THE ERROR OF YOUR WAYS?

YES, BUT IT'S TOO LATE.

'CAUSE WE'RE ALL GONNA BE KILLED BY THAT ASTEROID.

[LAUGHING]

I SAID, "ASS."

DON'T WORRY, MR. DISGRACED PRESIDENT.

UNLIKE YOU, I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

THIS ISN'T AN ASTEROID.

IT'S A TRASHTEROID.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T RECYCLE, KIDS.

[GRUNTING]

THE WORLD IS SAFE.

THANKS FOR CHILLING MY COCKTAIL.

OH, AND SAVING THE PLANET.

DO YOU HAVE THE RING?

RIGHT HERE.

I MADE IT MYSELF.

IT'S AN ECO-FRIENDLY NON-BLOOD DIAMOND.

OH, DOUG. YOU'RE MY HERO.

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU SAVIOR OF THE WORLD

AND WIFE.

YOU MAY NOW KISS THE BRIDE.

MMM.

[KISSING]

[CLARINET PLAYING]

WHO'S THAT?

KENNY L.

WE COULDN'T AFFORD KENNY G.

[CRYING]

[HOWLING]

SEE? I TOLD YOU.

NOTHING CAN GO WRONG.

AND I TOLD YOU DON'T SAY THAT.

NOTHING'S GONNA HAPPEN.

[CRASH]

[ROARING]

[SCREAMING]

[MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC PLAYS]

[AUTOMATIC WEAPONS FIRING]

[HIP-HOP PLAYS]

I'M STILL THE BEST-LOOKING ONE HERE.

NICE WORK, DOUG, YOU IDIOT!

[WHINING] ALLY, YOUR DADDY'S BEING MEAN TO ME.

[SQUIRTING]

UH, WE HAVE BIGGER PROBLEMS.

MY WATER JUST BROKE.

GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL.

OHH!

PUSH.

AAH!

GOOD, GOOD.

NO MORE PUSHING.

NO, WHOA. UNH!

AAH! WAIT. STOP.

LADY, STOP THE BABY MACHINE.

[FOG HORN]

WOW, ISN'T THIS BEAUTIFUL?

YES, IT IS.

I TOLD YOU NOTHING COULD GO WRONG.

AAH!

HA HA HA!

DADDY, YOU SQUISHED MY HUSBAND.

EVEN WORSE.

I GOT DOUG JAM BETWEEN MY TOES.

I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN.

NOW I'M THE WIDOW.

MRS. VON S-T-E-U-S-S-E-N-DASH-STARK THE WAY IT SOUNDS.

WAH HAH!

[CHUCKLES]

[ORGAN PLAYING]

[POUNDING] [RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES]

SO SORRY THAT I'M LATE.

[CHEERING]

ALL RIGHT, HONEY.

I THINK THIS WOULD BE A GOOD TIME

FOR YOU TO GIVE THE KIDS OUR WEDDING GIFT.

OH, NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR ME SING.

[CHEERING]

WELL, IF YOU INSIST.

Guests: AHH.

OOH.

YOUR ARMS ARE SO THIN.

THEY'RE THINNER THAN MINE.

I KNOW. I'M JUST BLESSED.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ HEY, SISTER, GO, SISTER ♪

♪ SOUL SISTER, GO, SISTER ♪

♪ HEY, SISTER, GO, SISTER ♪

♪ SOUL SISTER GO, SISTER ♪

♪ HE MET MARMALADE DOWN IN OLD NEW ORLEANS ♪

♪ STRUTTIN' HER STUFF ON THE STREET ♪

♪ SHE SAID, "HELLO, HEY, JOE, ♪

♪ YOU WANNA GIVE IT A GO?" ♪

MM-HMM

♪ GITCHI GITCHI YA YA DA DA ♪

♪ GITCHI GITCHI YA YA HERE ♪

♪ MOCHO CHOCO LATTA YA YA ♪

♪ CREOLE LADY MARMALADE ♪

♪ "VOULEZ-VOUS COUCHER AVEC MOI CE SOIR?" ♪

♪ "VOULEZ-VOUS COUCHER AVEC MOI?" ♪

♪ "VOULEZ-VOUS COUCHER AVEC MOI CE SOIR?" ♪

♪ CREOLE LADY MARMALADE ♪

[CHEERING]

YOU ARE SMOKIN' HOT, BABY.

NASTY!

I'M NOT BAD. I'M JUST DRAWN THAT WAY.

OH, HI, BRAD PITT.

WHAT LIGHT THROUGH YONDER WINDOW BREAKS?

SEE? I CAN, TOO, ACT.

WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?

THE SET OF "BENJAMIN BUTTON 2,"

WHERE I AGE SIDEWAYS.

I THOUGHT I HEARD AN ANGEL SINGING.

[GIGGLES]

NO, BRAD, THAT WAS JUST ME.

THEN IT WAS AN ANGEL SINGING.

LISTEN, SINCE THERE'S A MINISTER HERE,

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

WELL, I AM AVAILABLE.

MY HUSBAND JUST DIED.

AAH!

BY THE WAY,

YOU DON'T MIND IF I BRING MY KIDS, DO YOU?

[CHUCKLING] NO, NOT AT ALL.

DOUG, ALLY, GET OUT OF THE WAY,

'CAUSE MAMA'S GETTIN' MARRIED!

Crowd: HAIL, EDDIE! HAIL, EDDIE!

HAIL, EDDIE!

HAIL, EDDIE!

I LOVE YOUR RAIMENT, EDDIE.

EVERYBODY LOVES RAIMENT.

[CHEERING]

HA HA! NO, NO.

THAT'S--THAT'S TOO MUCH.

YOU ALL KNOW QUEEN JOY.

[CROWD BOOING]

WHAT THE HELL DID I DO?

WHY ARE THEY SAYING, "BOO"?

RELAX, HONEY. THEY'RE NOT SAYING, "BOO."

THEY'RE SAYING, "BOOBS."

THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE FAMOUS FOR, RIGHT?

LOOK AT OUR FLAG.

OH, IN THAT CASE, IT'S OK.

[CROWD CHEERING]

THAT'S ENOUGH.

I'M THE KING.

NOW, EVERYBODY, LET'S HEAR IT FOR MY DAUGHTER ALLY

UP THERE IN THE TOWER OF SLIGHTLY USED VIRGINS.

[CHEERING]

ALL RIGHT. LET'S GET BUSY HERE.

MY PRINCESS NEEDS A PRINCE.

[SCREAMING]

OH, HI, PRINCE.

LOOK, EVERYBODY.

PRINCE, MY FAVORITE PERFORMER.

AAH!

OOPS. ANY OTHER PRINCES OUT THERE?

I WOULD LIKE TO MARRY YOUR DAUGHTER.

ANYBODY?

I--I SAID ME, SIR.

NO TAKERS, HUH?

RIGHT HERE, SIR!

NOBODY AT ALL? THAT'S SURPRISING.

OH, GIVE HIM A SHOT, EDDIE.

I LOVE HIM, DADDY.

PLEASE LET HIM TRY.

OK. WHAT'S YOUR NAME, BOY?

IT IS I, DOUG OF CANNABIS.

[FANFARE PLAYS]

AH, YES. CANNABIS.

THAT'S A MELLOW TOWN.

BUT NOBODY GETS ANYTHING DONE OVER THERE.

YOU KNOW, WE DO SELL A LOT OF POTATO CHIPS TO CANNABIS.

WELL, THEN, DOUG OF CANNABIS,

YOU REALIZE THAT THE LAST 300 GUYS WHO TRIED THIS

ARE UP THERE ON THE HILL?

[DIRGE PLAYS]

AND THE REST OF THEM ARE IN THE LIONS.

[GROWLING] [DIRGE PLAYS]

YES, SIR, I DO REALIZE THAT.

VERY WELL, THEN.

YOUR FIRST TEST IS TO COME UP HERE

AND SHAKE HANDS WITH ME.

OK, THAT SOUNDS EASY ENOUGH.

AFTER YOU SWIM ACROSS THIS SHARK-INFESTED MOAT.

I'LL DO IT, SIR.

WEARING THIS MEAT JACKET.

OOH. BEING A VEGAN, I OBJECT TO THIS JACKET,

BUT I'LL DO ANYTHING IN THE NAME OF LOVE,

BECAUSE IN YOUR DREAM,

I'M PORTRAYED AS A DESPERATE, WORTHLESS LOSER.

MY HERO!

WOW! DID YOU SEE THAT?

HE JUMPED THE SHARK.

NOW, DO I GET TO MARRY YOUR DAUGHTER?

NO, NO. THAT WAS ONLY TEST ONE.

NOW YOU MUST BRING ME THE HEAD OF THE DRAGON!

I'LL DO IT.

WHY THE HELL DIDN'T HE DO THAT THE FIRST TIME?

HE'S AN IDIOT, JOY.

ALL RIGHT, FOLKS.

THAT'S OUR SHOW FOR TODAY.

THE QUEEN AND I ARE GOING TO BE AT THE BAR.

WE'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW

WHEN WE ALL GET TOGETHER FOR DOUG'S FUNERAL.

[CHEERING]

YEP, ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST.

YEAH, I'M DRY HERE.

SOMEBODY RECROWN THE QUEEN, PLEASE.

I WAS TALKING ABOUT SUITORS.

WELL, IF YOU EVER WANT ALLY TO GET MARRIED,

I THINK YOU'VE GOT TO LOWER THE BAR, EDDIE.

DON'T CALL ME EDDIE.

CALL ME "YOUR HIGHNESS."

IN YOUR DREAMS.

THIS IS MY DREAM.

AND I'M STILL NOT DOING IT.

WHAT'S THE BIG RUSH TO GET MARRIED, ANYWAY?

SHE'S YOUNG. SHE HAS TIME.

AND SHE'S PREGNANT.

SHE'S A TICKING BOMB, EDDIE,

AND SOON, SHE'S GONNA BLOW A BABY ALL OVER THE KINGDOM.

HOW DID SHE GET PREGNANT, ANYWAY, QUEEN JOY-JOY?

WELL, WHEN BOYS AND GIRLS REACH A CERTAIN AGE--

I KNOW THAT,

BUT HOW DID THAT KNUCKLEHEAD DOUG

GET CLOSE TO PRINCESS ALLY?

I--I MEAN, I SPENT A LOT OF TIME

DESIGNING THAT TOWER

TO KEEP HER AWAY FROM IDIOTS LIKE HIM.

I PUT IN A MOAT, I SURROUNDED IT WITH TROLLS,

AND THEN I HAD THE RAPUNZEL LOCK INSTALLED.

HOW DID HE GET TO HER?

HE WAS THE LOCKSMITH.

GRR.

[HORN BLOWING]

HEAR YE, HEAR YE.

NOW HEAR ME.

DOUG OF CANNABIS HAS RETURNED

WITH THE HEAD OF THE DRAGON.

WHAT? THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING BRINGING THAT DRAGON IN HERE?

I TOLD YOU I WANTED THE HEAD.

SIR, IT'S RIGHT THERE AT THE END OF HIS NECK.

[ROARING]

NOT ATTACHED TO THE BODY, IDIOT.

I WANTED HIM DEAD.

WELL, I COULDN'T KILL HIM, SIR.

HE'S AN ENDANGERED SPECIES.

THIS IS MY FRIEND PUFF.

HE AND I GO A LONG WAY BACK.

HE'S THE MASCOT OF CANNABIS.

[REGGAE PLAYING]

[COUGHING]

WELL, GET HIM OUT OF HERE.

GO HOME, BOY.

SHOO. GO.

NOW DO I GET TO MARRY YOUR DAUGHTER?

ONE FINAL TEST.

YOU MUST SOLVE THIS RIDDLE.

TWO TRAINS LEAVE CHICAGO AT THE SAME TIME.

KNOCK IT OFF, EDDIE.

GIVE HIM THE REAL TEST.

ALL RIGHT! ANSWER THE QUESTION,

AND YOU CAN HAVE MY DAUGHTER'S HAND IN MARRIAGE.

HOW TALL IS KING FRADO

OF THE FILTHY RICH KINGDOM OF AQUITAINE?

OH, YOU MEAN DAD?

HE'S 5'11".

BACK UP A SECOND.

DID YOU SAY, "DAD"?

YES, MY FATHER IS THE FILTHY RICH KING OF AQUITAINE.

Both: WELCOME TO THE FAMILY.

[CHORUS SINGING]

BY THE POWER INVESTED IN ME

BY ME,

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU IDIOT AND WIFE.

[CHEERING]

ALTHOUGH IT TURNS MY STOMACH,

YOU MAY NOW KISS THE BRIDE.

FINALLY.

WE WERE SAVING THE KISS

UNTIL AFTER WE GOT MARRIED.

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU WERE SAVING KISSING

UNTIL AFTER YOU GOT MARRIED?

WHAT IS SHE, A HOOKER?

HANG ON A SECOND.

HOW COME HIS FAMILY'S NOT HERE?

THEY'RE NOT HERE?

NO, THESE ARE OUR PEASANTS.

[FLIES BUZZING]

HEY, DOUG.

MMM. YES, SIR?

WHERE'S YOUR FILTHY RICH DAD?

HOW COME HE'S NOT HERE AT THE WEDDING?

WHY, I'VE REJECTED MY FATHER'S CAPITALISTIC WAYS, SIR.

ALLY AND I ARE GONNA LIVE A LIFE OF POVERTY

ON A HOUSEBOAT ANCHORED IN YOUR MOAT.

SLOW DOWN, SLUGGER.

I-I'M BACK ON YOU

REJECTING YOUR FATHER'S CAPITALISTIC WAYS.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN EXACTLY?

IT MEANS I'LL NEVER TAKE ANY OF HIS MONEY,

BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW DESPERATE WE GET,

WE HAVE YOU TO TAKE CARE OF US.

JOY, HOLD MY SCEPTER FOR ME.

BOY, AM I SICK OF HEARING THAT.

I'M GONNA KILL YOU!

OW!

[GASPING] I'M GONNA KILL YOU,

YOU POT-SMOKING HIPPIE!

[PANTING]

WHAT'S WRONG?

I HAD THIS TERRIBLE DREAM

THAT I WAS STRANGLING DOUG.

THAT WAS THE GOOD PART.

BUT THEN I WOKE UP.

I HAD A DREAM, TOO.

IT WAS WONDERFUL.

I WAS MARRIED TO BRAD PITT.

YOU WERE DEAD.

OK, SO WE'RE BOTH DISAPPOINTED.

WHOO.

COME HERE.

OH, MY GOSH.

IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE THAT

THIS IS THE DAY WHERE OUR BABY GIRL

ACTUALLY TIES THE KNOT.

I KNOW.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

I DON'T KNOW, JOY-JOY.

IT SEEMS LIKE A SECOND AGO, SHE WAS BEING BORN.

I KNOW.

IT'S SCARY.

HMM.

IT'S NICE, TOO, RIGHT? I GUESS.

I GUESS.

[SIGHS]

WISH I COULD GET BACK IN THAT DREAM AND FINISH DOUG OFF.

I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING ABOUT BRAD.

TEN MINUTES MORE?

MAKE IT 20.

OK.

U

U PO

U POT-

U POT-HO

U POT-HOPI

U POT-HOPIN'

U POT-HOPIN'--

[CREW LAUGHING]

I WAS REALLY DREAMING.

I WAS REALLY DREAMING.

SERIOUSLY.

WHOO.

[CHUCKLING]

WOULD YOU QUIT TAKING MY PULSE?

I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU POT-SMOKING HIPPIE!

Man: THAT'S--

RIGHT. SO, THAT'S-- IS THAT OK?

YEP. OK.

I CAN DO IT BIGGER.

SAVE THAT FOR THE GAG REEL, PLEASE.