Original subtitles

E

E I

E I ZI

E I ZIG,

E I ZIG, YO

E I ZIG, YOU

E I ZIG, YOU ZA

E I ZIG, YOU ZAG

E I ZIG, YOU ZAG ♪

♪ I LIKE COFFEE, TEA'S YOUR BAG ♪

♪ THOUGH IT MAKES NO SENSE, IT'S TRUE ♪

♪ THERE'S NO ME WITHOUT YOU ♪

Brad Garrett: 'TIL DEATH IS FILMED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.

[LOUD SNORING]

WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!

PLEASE, PLEASE, DON'T HURT ME.

SHE HANDLES THE MONEY!

EDDIE, IT'S KENNY.

WHAT-WHAT-- IS EVERYTHING OK?

NO, EVERYTHING IS NOT OK.

THERE'S AN UNGODLY SOUND

COMING FROM YOUR DAMN HEAD.

WAS I SNORING?

SNORING IS HUMAN. THIS SOUNDED LIKE

A FERRET AND A WEASEL MAKING LOVE,

REAL ANGRY, ANGRY AND VIOLENT,

LIKE THE WEASEL SLEPT WITH

THE FERRET'S ROOMMATE OR SOMETHING.

KENNY...

YOU CAN'T COME BARGING IN HERE LIKE THAT.

IT'S 2 A.M. HOW DO YOU KNOW I WASN'T NAKED?

PLEASE. WITH THE SHIRTS YOU WEAR,

I'VE SEEN YOUR BOSOM MORE OFTEN

THAN I'VE SEEN MY COUSIN JIMMY.

AND ME AND JIMMY ARE SUPER-TIGHT.

MAYBE YOU CAN PACK YOUR SUPER-SUITCASE

AND MOVE IN WITH YOUR COUSIN, SUPER-TIGHT JIMMY.

SUPER-TIGHT JIMMY HAS GOT A SUPER- SERIOUS GIRLFRIEND,

AND SHE'S SUPER-MEAN.

WELL, MAYBE YOU HAVE TO HAVE

A SUPER-SERIOUS CONVERSATION--

STOP IT! THAT'S ENOUGH!

ONE SUPER-SWING OF THIS BAT,

AND I COULD TAKE YOU BOTH OUT.

NOW GIT!

Eddie: JOY, WHERE'S MY BROWN BELT?

CHECK YOUR PANTS.

I ALREADY DID. IT'S NOT THERE.

CHECK YOUR OTHER PANTS.

I DON'T HAVE TO-- ALL RIGHT.

ARE YOU STILL USING THAT FABRIC SOFTENER?

YEAH. WHY?

BECAUSE I HATE IT.

IT SMELLS LIKE I'M WEARING A BABY.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS, MAN?

YOU'RE NOT GETTING ENOUGH QUALITY SLEEP.

OH, YOU THINK? COULD IT POSSIBLY BE

THAT I WAS VISITED LAST NIGHT

BY A 40-YEAR-OLD BLACK SLEEP FAIRY?

WHY YOU GOT TO TURN THIS RACIAL, MAN?

KENNY'S RIGHT, EDDIE.

YOU'RE LIKE THIS EVERY MORNING.

YOU NEVER GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP

BECAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS SNORING.

THAT'S PROBABLY WHY EVERYBODY THINKS YOU'RE A BIG JERK.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU KNOW, NOBODY LIKES YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOUR AWFUL PERSONALITY.

THIS CAN'T BE NEWS TO YOU.

[DOORBELL RINGS] OH, COME ON.

THAT IS CRAZY. PEOPLE LOVE ME.

HUH?

HEY, RAJ.

OH, HELLO.

HOW ARE YOU?

HERE. COME ON IN.

COME ON, RAJ.

RAJ LIKES ME.

YOU SEE, HE'S ALWAYS BRINGING ME STUFF,

ASKING ME FOR MY AUTOGRAPH.

YOU LIKE ME, DON'T YOU, RAJ?

I'D LIKE...YOU TO SIGN FOR THE PACKAGE.

OK.

ALL RIGHT. HA HA HA.

BUT WE'RE BUDS, RIGHT?

NO.

THE TRUTH IS,

NO ONE WANTS TO DELIVER TO YOU,

BUT BRENDA CAN DO THREE MORE PUSHUPS THAN I CAN.

YOU SMELL LIKE A BABY.

YOU SEE, EVEN RAJ DOESN'T LIKE YOU.

IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE SO CRANKY.

YOU SHOULD GO TO A SLEEP CLINIC.

HEY, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

LET THEM TELL YOU WHAT YOU'RE DOING WRONG.

WHAT I'M DOING WRONG SLEEPING?

OK. SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT I'M DOING IN BED,

EVEN WHEN I'M UNCONSCIOUS?

I JUST WANT YOU TO BE THE BEST YOU CAN BE.

ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE A NICE KID.

BUT YOU HAVE TO REALIZE I'M NOT GONNA BE GETTING ANY BETTER.

THE CLAY IS DRY.

GOD IS FINISHED WITH ME

THIS IS A SERIOUS HEALTH ISSUE, MAN.

IT'S CALLED SLEEP APNEA.

YOU STOP BREATHING IN YOUR SLEEP.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

YOU KNOW THAT NOISE YOU MAKE AT NIGHT...

[IMITATING LOUD SNORING]

THAT'S NOT CALLED BREATHING.

IT'S CALLED DYING.

GOOD MORNING.

NOT REALLY.

REMEMBER THAT SWEET OLD COUPLE, THE PUTNAMS,

THAT WE BOOKED ON THE SENIORS CRUISE?

YEAH. ABOUT YAY HIGH, MATCHING TRACK SUITS.

HIS BREASTS WERE BIGGER THAN HERS.

YEAH. WELL, IT TURNS OUT THAT THE CRUISE

WASN'T FOR SENIOR CITIZENS.

IT WAS FOR SENIORS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

THEY SPENT A WEEK AT SEA WITH 2000

DRUNK AND HORNY TEENAGERS.

DID THEY HAVE AN AWESOME TIME?

THEY'RE SUING US, AND THEY'RE NAMING YOU

AS THE PERSON RESPONSIBLE.

WAIT. I DIDN'T BOOK THIS CRUISE. STU DID.

OH, COME ON, JOY. AT THE END OF THE DAY,

WHO REALLY KNOWS WHO'S RESPONSIBLE?

I DO. YOU ARE.

UNFORTUNATELY, JOY, YOU'RE HIS SUPERVISOR.

SO TECHNICALLY YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE

FOR ANYTHING THAT HE DOES,

NO MATTER HOW BIG AN IDIOT HE IS.

THANK YOU, BETH.

OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

WELL, BELIEVE IT. YOUR DEPOSITION'S ON FRIDAY.

BUMMER. SOMEBODY'S GOING TO LADY PRISON.

HEY, LOOK AT ME. I WILL WAIT FOR YOU.

HELLO, CLARICE.

I CAN SMELL YOU STANDING THERE ON YOUR 99 CENT SHOES.

HELLO, MR. STARK.

MY NAME'S SANDY.

HI.

WELCOME TO GRABOWSKI INSTITUTE OF SLEEP TECHNOLOGY.

OH. SO IS THIS THE PLACE WHERE THEY KNOCK YOU OUT

AND HARVEST YOUR ORGANS? HA HA HA.

OH, NO. THAT GUY GOT FIRED.

I'M JUST GOING TO MONITOR YOUR SLEEP.

SO IF YOU WANT TO TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT,

I'M GOING TO HOOK THESE ELECTRODES UP

TO YOUR BODY.

OK. SO YOU'RE A DOCTOR, ARE YOU, SANDY?

OH, GOD, NO. I'M IN COLLEGE.

OH. PRE-MED?

JEWELRY DESIGN.

LIFE-SAVING JEWELRY DESIGN OR...

OH, NO. MOSTLY JUST BEADS AND STUFF.

BUT DON'T WORRY. I'VE BEEN FULLY TRAINED.

WELL, EXCEPT IN CPR.

SO DON'T GO A-CHOKING.

WHA--WHAT--OK.

IT'S ALIVE!

THAT'S FROM FRANKENSTEIN.

WOW. YOU ARE SO HAIRY.

THANK YOU.

AND YOUR NIPPLES ARE WAY BIGGER THAN MY BOYFRIEND'S.

YOU SHOULD SEE THEM AT CHRISTMAS.

OK. SO NOW I'M JUST GOING TO ASK YOU A COUPLE QUESTIONS.

OK. DO YOU USUALLY SLEEP ON YOUR BACK, STOMACH, OR SIDE?

WELL, ACTUALLY ALL THREE.

I'M LIKE A ROTISSERIE CHICKEN. HA HA!

OH, I GET IT. BECAUSE THEY GO AROUND AND AROUND.

YOU DON'T MAKE ME FEEL SAFE.

[SNORING]

EDDIE.

GRANDMOTHER?

IT'S SANDY. CAN YOU SLEEP ON YOUR SIDE, PLEASE?

SURE.

WHERE ARE YOU?

I'M IN AN OBSERVATION ROOM NEARBY.

SO YOU CAN SEE ME?

YES.

HOW MANY FINGERS AM I HOLDING UP?

TWO.

TWO. EVERYONE GUESSES TWO.

WELL... HOW ABOUT NOW?

ONE, FOUR, THREE.

THAT'S A BUNNY.

SO...SO THE CAMERA'S BEEN ON THE WHOLE TIME?

YES, IT HAS.

SO YOU SAW WHEN I...

YES, I DID, SIR.

SO, HOW DID IT GO?

GOOD. YEAH?

NO. IT WAS TERRIFYING, HUMILIATING, COLD,

AND I WEPT ON CAMERA.

DID THEY AT LEAST FIGURE OUT WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

THEY DID, HONEY. YES, THEY DID.

THEY COLLECTED ALL THE DATA,

AND THEY GAVE IT TO A GROUP OF GERMAN SCIENTISTS

WHO THEN TOOK THE INFORMATION,

PUT IT INTO A COMPUTER THAT WAS SO POWERFUL

IT HAD THE ABILITY TO LOVE.

AND THEY FOUND A SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM.

SEE?

WHAT IS THAT? A NASAL STRIP?

THE NOSE-BE-OPEN PLUS, WITH ALOE.

A $500 CONSULTATION FOR A 25-CENT PIECE OF TAPE.

YOU THINK IT'LL WORK?

NO, I DO NOT THINK IT WILL WORK!

WHOA.

WHAT?

NOTHING. YOU JUST LOOK REALLY, REALLY...

PRETTY RIGHT NOW.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I DIDN'T SLEEP ALL NIGHT.

I HAVE GOT A THROBBING HEADACHE.

I'D JUST LIKE TO SIT HERE AND EAT MY BREAKFAST IN PEACE.

GOOD MORNING, VIETNAM!

[CLAPS] HA HA!

AND A KISS FOR MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE.

[KISS]

AND A SOCIALLY PROGRESSIVE MAN KISS

FOR MY BALD-HEADED HOUSEMATE.

[KISS]

PAH!

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU, MAN?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S GOING ON WITH ME, MAN.

THIS LITTLE STRIP RIGHT HERE,

THIS LITTLE MAGICAL STRIP

THAT HAS GIVEN ME A SLEEP SO DEEP,

SO REJUVENATING THAT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE,

I FEEL, WELL... GOOD. HA HA HA.

♪ IN THE JUNGLE, THE MIGHTY JUNGLE ♪

♪ THE LION SLEEPS TONIGHT ♪

♪ IN THE JUNGLE, THE QUIET JUNGLE ♪

♪ THE LION SLEEPS TONIGHT ♪

♪ NEAR THE VILLAGE, THE PEACEFUL VILLAGE ♪

♪ THE LION SLEEPS TONIGHT ♪

EDDIE, I'M HOME.

HEY, HEY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

A LITTLE SOMETHING THE KIDS CALL JOGGING.

I'M GOING TO GO FOR AN HOUR

OR A MILE, WHICHEVER COMES FIRST.

YOU'RE JOGGING NOW?

YEP.

I'M TELLING YOU, JOY,

THIS SLEEP I'VE BEEN GETTING,

IT'S GIVEN ME THIS WHOLE NEW ENERGY

AND EVEN PATIENCE.

SO NOW I'M BECOMING A PEOPLE PERSON.

I WAS ACTUALLY IN LINE AT THE MARKET,

I TURNED AROUND TO THE GUY NEXT TO ME,

AND I GO, "HELLO." HA HA HA!

HONEY, I'M SORRY.

I'VE JUST HAD SUCH A ROUGH WEEK.

OH, LISTEN, HONEY, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED, JOY? YOU NEED A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.

I AM TELLING YOU, WITH SLEEP,

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, EVEN FLY.

I BELIEVE THAT.

LISTEN, EDDIE, HERE'S THE THING.

YEAH?

I--[AHEM]

I CAN'T SLEEP WITHOUT YOUR SNORING.

I ACTUALLY NEED YOU TO SNORE SO THAT I CAN SLEEP.

IT'S SO STRANGE.

THAT IS STRANGE. STRANGE INDEED.

SO--[AHEM]

HERE WAS-- I WAS WONDERING IF--

AND I HATE TO ASK IT-- SWEETIE? THIS IS WHAT I WAS--

COULD YOU STOP IT FOR A SECOND, PLEASE?

OK. OK.

OK. SO I NEED TO TESTIFY

WITH THIS LAWSUIT THING TOMORROW,

AND, UM...AND I DON'T WANT TO BE A COMPLETE ZOMBIE.

SO I WAS WONDERING IF MAYBE YOU WOULD

JUST TAKE THE STRIP OFF FOR JUST ONE NIGHT?

YEAH. THAT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME, HONEY.

WHAT?

WHY NOT?

WELL, JOY, LOOK.

LOOK, YOU SAID SO YOURSELF.

MY SNORING IS SO BAD THAT I STOP BREATHING.

NO BREATHING, NO AIR. NO AIR, NO LIFE.

NO LIFE, NO EDDIE.

WAIT. NO.

COME ON. COME ON, BABY. COME ON.

I AM ADDICTED TO YOUR SNORING, BABY.

I DON'T NEED YOU TO DO IT ALL NIGHT.

I JUST NEED ONE LITTLE TASTE.

PLEASE, JOY-JOY NEEDS TO GET WELL. PLEASE.

OK, BRING IT DOWN, WINEHOUSE.

UH...

LOOK, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO.

WITH MY NEWFOUND ENERGY,

I WILL COME BACK HERE LATER,

AND I WILL MAKE LOVE TO YOU

FOR AN EXTRA THREE TO SEVEN MINUTES.

AND IF THAT DOESN'T PUT YOU TO SLEEP,

YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN BECAUSE I'LL BE OUT LIKE A LIGHT.

OK? HA HA HA.

NOW, MRS. PUTNAM, DO YOU RECALL

WHO BOOKED YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND

ON A CRUISE WITH 2000 GRADUATING HIGH-SCHOOL SENIORS?

HER.

ARE WE DONE?

NO?

PLEASE LET THE RECORD SHOW

THAT MRS. PUTNAM INDICATED

TRAVEL AGENT JOY STARK.

NOW, IF YOU COULD, MRS. PUTNAM,

PLEASE TELL US WHAT HAPPENED ON THE CRUISE SHIP

THE AFTERNOON OF AUGUST 9th.

WELL, MURRAY AND I WENT DOWN

TO THE POOL THAT DAY

DETERMINED TO MAKE THE BEST OF A BAD SITUATION.

WHEN WE ARRIVED, THERE WERE YOUNG PEOPLE CAVORTING

AND PLAYING SPORTS GAMES.

AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, WE GOT INTO THE WATER,

AND THAT'S WHEN THE YOUNG MEN

STARTED HITTING ME WITH THEIR BALLS.

[STIFLING LAUGHTER]

I'M SORRY.

MRS. PUTNAM, CONTINUE.

IT WAS TERRIFYING. EVERYWHERE I LOOKED,

IT WAS BALLS, BALLS, BALLS.

[LAUGHING]

I'M SO SORRY. OH, THAT SOUNDS HORRIFYING.

[STIFLING LAUGHTER]

PLEASE, GO ON.

I TRIED TO HIDE UNDER THE WATER,

BUT EVERY TIME I CAME UP FOR AIR,

BALLS WERE HITTING ME IN THE FACE.

[LOUD LAUGHTER]

I'M SORRY. I'M JUST SO TIRED.

BALLS HIT ME IN THE FACE, TOO.

[LOUD LAUGHTER]

HOW'D IT GO?

THE TRUTH IS, STU, WE'RE GOING TO LOSE.

ALL RIGHT. WELL, THE GOOD NEWS IS

WE'RE TRAVEL AGENTS.

WE COULD BE IN HAWAII

BEFORE THE COPS EVEN KNOW WE'RE GONE.

ALOHA, LEGAL WOES.

STU, YOU DO KNOW THAT HAWAII IS PART OF THE UNITED STATES?

I DID NOT.

WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO?

WELL, YOU'D BETTER GET IT TOGETHER

BECAUSE IT'S YOUR TURN TO TESTIFY TOMORROW.

YEAH? WELL, I'M SCREWED THEN,

BECAUSE I CAN'T SLEEP WITHOUT EDDIE'S SNORING.

I ASKED HIM TO TAKE THE LITTLE STRIP OFF,

AND HE REFUSES.

HE'S NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY.

HE'S NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY?

GOOD FOR HIM. HERE'S WHAT YOU DO.

YOU WAIT FOR HIM TO FALL ASLEEP,

YOU RIP THE STRIP OFF HIS FAT FACE,

STUFF A HAND TOWEL DOWN HIS PIE HOLE,

AND LET HIS DEATH GASPS LULL YOU TO SLEEP.

BETH, I'M NOT SURE HOW IT WORKED IN YOUR THREE MARRIAGES--

FOUR.

YOUR FOUR MARRIAGES,

BUT I COULD NEVER DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

[SNORING]

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

[GASPING SOUNDS]

MY STRIP! WHERE'S MY...

YOU DIDN'T.

I DID.

WHAT KIND OF A WOMAN ARE YOU?

WHAT KIND OF A WOMAN? I WILL TELL YOU

WHAT KIND OF WOMAN I AM!

I AM THE EXHAUSTED KIND!

I AM THE KIND WHO ASKED YOU VERY NICELY

TO TAKE THAT STUPID THING OFF FOR JUST ONE NIGHT,

AND YOU WOULDN'T BECAUSE YOU'RE SO AFRAID TO DIE!

I COULD DIE!

OH, SHUT UP ABOUT THE DYING.

YOU ARE NOT AFRAID OF DYING.

YOU JUST WOULDN'T GIVE UP YOUR PRECIOUS NASAL STRIP

BECAUSE IT MADE YOU FEEL SO GOOD.

LET ME GUESS. YOU HAVE TAI CHI IN THE MORNING?

NO. I HAVE PILATES.

YOU ARE SO SELFISH.

ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS YOU FEELING GOOD.

YEAH? SO WHAT IF I DO?

YOU HAD 20 YEARS OF SLEEPING GOOD

BECAUSE OF MY SNORING.

SO NOW IT'S MY TURN TO FEEL NICE

AND PLEASANT, SO GO TO HELL!

PLEASE.

EDDIE, THE ONLY REASON WHY YOU FEEL SO GOOD

IS BECAUSE I CONVINCED YOU TO GO

TO THAT STUPID SLEEP CLINIC IN THE FIRST PLACE

BECAUSE I ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT YOU!

YEAH, YOU CARE UNTIL IT INTERFERES WITH YOUR HAPPINESS,

AND THEN YOU'RE COUNTING SHEEP

WHILE DADDY STRUGGLES FOR AIR.

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

ALL RIGHT. FINE. IT'S TRUE.

WHEN IT CAME DOWN TO YOU FEELING GOOD OR ME,

I CHOSE ME.

I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON.

I MEAN, I'M ADDICTED TO YOUR SNORING.

I LITERALLY CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT YOU.

AND THAT MAKES ME SAD.

WELL, WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE US NOW?

WHAT, ARE WE GOING TO BE ONE OF THOSE COUPLES

WHO SLEEP IN SEPARATE BEDROOMS

AND HAVE THEIR OWN TVs

AND A LITTLE MINI FRIDGE AND...

SIT THERE SMOKING MY CIGARS AND...

A COUPLE TIMES A MONTH,

YOU TIPTOE IN THERE AND GIVE ME THE OLD--

WE'RE NOT DOING THAT!

YOU'RE RIGHT. I DON'T WANT THAT EITHER.

SO...SO WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? HUH?

I MEAN, YOU CAN'T SLEEP WITHOUT YOUR STRIP,

AND I CAN'T SLEEP WITHOUT YOUR SNORING.

[SNORING]

THAT'S IT!

COUSIN JIMMY, HERE I COME.

[CHEERING]