Original subtitles

♪ I LIKE COFFEE, TEA'S YOUR BAG ♪

♪ THOUGH IT MAKES NO SENSE, IT'S TRUE ♪

♪ THERE'S NO ME WITHOUT YOU ♪

Joely Fisher: 'TIL DEATH IS FILMED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.

[ALL LAUGH]

HEY.

WHEN YOU SAID YOU HAD A DATE TONIGHT,

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU MEANT A PLAY DATE.

THIS GIRL JULIA I'M SEEING,

SHE HAS A DEADLINE AT WORK

AND HER BABYSITTER QUIT,

SO, I TOLD HER I'D WATCH HER BOYS.

WELL, I FEEL LIKE A MINORITY IN MY OWN HOUSE.

NOW I KNOW HOW BRAD PITT FEELS.

THIS IS CHUNG HO, CHUNG HE, AND, UH,

WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?

ERNIE.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS ARE OLD ENOUGH

TO HAVE A FAVORITE PLACE ON THE COUCH,

BUT I AM, SO SCOOCH.

COME ON. OVER.

I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOOD FOR EVERYBODY,

'CAUSE THESE KIDS ARE STARVING.

OH, THERE'S A PIZZA IN THE FREEZER.

OH, THERE WAS PIZZA.

CHUNG HE SNIFFED THAT THING OUT

AND ATE IT FROZEN.

WOULD YOU KIDS LIKE TO SPLIT A CURLY FRY?

EASY.

BUT--

BUT...

KENNY.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

GO EAT THAT STUFF IN THE KITCHEN, BOYS.

OK, HOW DO I LOOK?

HONEY, I'VE BEEN SEEING IT

FOR 23 YEARS OF OUR MARRIAGE,

YOU ALWAYS--

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

WHAT? WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?

W-WELL, NOTHING.

BUT YOU'RE USING ALL THE BUTTONS

AND YOU'RE LEAVING SOMETHING TO THE IMAGINATION.

I WANNA LOOK NICE.

I'M GOING OUT WITH MY NEW FRIEND EILEEN.

YOU KNOW, THE ONE I MET AT THE MUSEUM?

MUSEUM?

YEAH, IT WAS RAINING. I WENT IN TO STEAL AN UMBRELLA.

I LIKE MUSEUMS.

THEY GOT THOSE GUARDS WITH THOSE BIG FURRY HATS.

TRYING TO MAKE 'EM LAUGH. THEY WON'T LAUGH.

THAT'S BUCKINGHAM PALACE.

OHH.

THEN, I'VE NEVER BEEN TO A MUSEUM BEFORE.

ANYWAY, SHE IS SMART

AND SHE'S COOL AND SHE'S CLASSY.

SO, HERE'S WHAT I NEED YOU TO DO.

JOY, RELAX.

I MAKE A GREAT FIRST IMPRESSION.

[DOORBELL]

OF COURSE, YOU DO. LISTEN, KENNY.

IF I INTRODUCE YOU AS MY HUSBAND,

JUST GO WITH IT.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

I NEED ME SOME BACK STORY.

I MEAN, HOW DO YOUR PARENTS FEEL ABOUT US?

ARE THEY COOL WITH ME, EVEN THOUGH OUR LOVE IS TABOO?

YOU KNOW WHAT? NEVER MIND.

I'LL JUST GO WITH FREAK NUMBER ONE.

AHEM.

HEY. HEY.

JOY, OH, YOU LOOK GREAT.

THANK YOU. AND CUTE HOUSE.

THANK YOU. YEAH.

THREE HUNDRED MORE PAYMENTS AND IT'S HALF OURS.

EILEEN, THIS IS OUR FRIEND KENNY.

HI, KENNY. WHAT'S UP?

AND THIS IS MY HUSBAND EDDIE.

HI, EDDIE. HI, EDDIE.

OH, I'M EDDIE.

YOU'RE EILEEN. HI, EILEEN.

FROM EDDIE.

WITH CARE.

OK, WE'RE GONNA GET GOING.

NICE JOB, BY THE WAY.

SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH YOU.

[DOOR CLOSES]

OH, BOY.

OK, THIS IS-- THIS--THIS IS BAD.

THIS IS SO, SO BAD.

YEAH.

HOW DID A SIMPLE HELLO GO SO WRONG?

NO.

NO, NO. I KNOW EILEEN.

I DATED EILEEN.

ISN'T EILEEN THE GIRL WHO JUST LEFT HERE?

YES, YES. WE USED TO GO OUT.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

THE GIRL WHO JUST LEFT HERE.

THE ONE THAT'S NOT YOUR WIFE. YES.

YES, I DATED HER BEFORE I MET JOY

FOR, LIKE, 2 MONTHS.

DID SHE LOSE A TON OF WEIGHT?

NO.

WERE YOU RICH BACK THEN?

ARE YOU DONE?

YES.

GREEN CARD?

I'M BEGGING YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

I JUST GOTTA TELL JOY.

BUT THEN AGAIN, IF SHE NEVER FINDS OUT,

I JUST OPENED UP A CAN OF WORMS FOR NOTHING.

WELL, DON'T TELL HER. LOCK IT UP.

YEAH, BUT SEE, IF I DON'T TELL HER, AND THEN SHE FINDS OUT,

THEN IT LOOKS LIKE I WAS HIDING SOMETHING.

SPILL THE BEANS.

SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS.

YOU--YOU JUST CAN'T AGREE WITH EVERYTHING I'M SAYING.

YOU HAVE TO--YOU HAVE TO COME UP WITH A--A--

I NEED AN HONEST OPINION.

IN MY HONEST OPINION...

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU EVER SLEPT WITH THAT GIRL.

[DOOR OPENS]

HEY. HOW DID YOUR BIG NIGHT OUT ON THE TOWN GO?

OH, SO GREAT.

DO YOU KNOW HOW AMAZING EILEEN IS?

I DO. I--I MEAN I CAN IMAGINE HOW I DO.

WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME?

WE SPENT THE ENTIRE EVENING

TALKING ABOUT ART AND MUSIC AND LITERATURE

AND I ONLY HAD TO PRETEND

LIKE I KNEW WHAT SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT

LIKE 30% OF THE TIME.

AND THEY SAID DRINKING YOUR WAY

THROUGH JUNIOR COLLEGE WOULDN'T PAY OFF.

I KNOW, RIGHT?

WE JUST HAD THE BEST TIME.

AH, TERRIFIC.

SO, DID MY NAME COME UP, OR...?

YEAH.

IT WAS KINDA FUNNY. WE WERE AT THE BAR

AND THIS GUY WAS HITTING ON ME

AND I TOLD HIM I WAS MARRIED

AND HE ASKED ME YOUR NAME.

[LAUGHS]

I TOTALLY BLANKED.

LISTEN. HONEY, I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING

AND--AND I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU.

[LAUGHING]

I COULDN'T COME UP WITH IT.

[LAUGHING]

FINALLY, I JUST SAID, "HANK."

WELL, MAYBE I WANT TO HURT YOU A LITTLE.

UM, HONEY, UM,

EILEEN AND I USED TO GO OUT.

WHAT?

YEAH, WE USED TO DATE.

DATE?

YOU MEAN LIKE DINNER- AND-A-MOVIE DATE?

UM, MORE LIKE DINNER-AND-A-MOVIE

AND "YOUR DOG SEEMS UPSET THAT I'M DOING THIS TO YOU" DATE.

I'LL HAVE THE SALAD NICOISE

AND A GLASS OF THE LE VIEUX DONJON CHATEAUNEUF DU PAPE.

[SIGHS]

AND I'LL HAVE THE...

ALL THE STUFF SHE JUST SAID.

AND FRIES.

SO...

SO.

[BOTH SIGH]

WHAT DID YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME ABOUT?

[SIGHS]

WELL, EILEEN, IT'S KIND OF AWKWARD.

UM, IT'S ABOUT EDDIE. AHEM.

I DON'T KNOW QUITE HOW TO SAY THIS.

IS IT ABOUT ME AND EDDIE DATING?

YES. OH, THANK GOD.

I REALLY WANTED TO SAY SOMETHING TO YOU

ABOUT IT THE OTHER NIGHT

BUT I JUST--I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS MY PLACE.

NO, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

I JUST--I DIDN'T WANT THINGS TO BE WEIRD BETWEEN US.

OH, NO, NO, NO. OF COURSE NOT.

I MEAN IT WAS SO LONG AGO.

AND YOU KNOW, EVEN THOUGH HE BROKE MY HEART--

REALLY?

HE BROKE YOUR HEART?

OH! OH, YEAH.

I WAS DEVASTATED WHEN HE ENDED IT.

REALLY?

DEVASTATED WITH RELIEF?

HA! NO. NO, NO.

I WAS CRUSHED.

I MEAN, I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU

WHAT AN AMAZING, PASSIONATE,

SENSITIVE MAN YOUR HUSBAND IS.

TELL ME.

WELL, I MEAN,

OBVIOUSLY, HE'S JUST SO SEXY.

OBVIOUSLY.

AND, OH, HE HAD THOSE AMAZING BIG HANDS.

THEY WERE ALMOST LIKE--

CIRCUS HANDS?

YEAH. RIGHT?

OOH, AND I REMEMBER HE USED TO WEAR

THIS REALLY SEXY SHARK-TOOTH CHOKER.

YEAH, THAT'S IN A BOX IN THE ATTIC, LABELED

"DO NOT OPEN UNLESS YOU'RE DON JOHNSON."

SO FUNNY.

OH! THAT REMINDS ME.

DOES HE STILL SLICK HIS HAIR BACK LIKE PAT RILEY?

NO, HE STOPPED AFTER STAINING HIS THIRD LAY-Z-BOY.

THANK YOU.

YEAH, HE'S JUST SUCH A REGULAR GUY, YOU KNOW?

MANLY, NO PRETENSIONS.

OH! AND SO FUNNY.

DOES HE STILL DO ALL THOSE HILARIOUS IMPRESSIONS?

HE DOES IMPRESSIONS.

WELL, HE ALWAYS HAD ME LAUGHING.

EXCEPT WHEN I WASN'T LAUGHING.

I'M SORRY. IS THAT INAPPROPRIATE?

NO, IT'S FASCINATING.

HEY, HONEY. HOW WAS YOUR LUNCH?

WHOA. WHOA, WHOA.

WAIT A MINUTE. I GOT--

I GOT--I GOT RUSSIAN DRESSING RUNNING DOWN MY CHIN.

LEAVE IT. IT'S MANLY AND UNPRETENTIOUS.

YEAH, BUT IT'S MIXING IN WITH MY NECK SWEAT.

TAKE ME TO BED, YOU BIG, SEXY CIRCUS FREAK.

OK.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? FOR AFTER.

[SIGHS]

AH, LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY HAD THE OYSTERS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

JOKE IT UP, FUNNY MAN. MAMA LIKE.

HOW MANY OF THESE DO I HAVE TO EAT

BEFORE THEY CONSIDER IT STEALING?

ONE, SIR.

WOW! IN THAT CASE, I'M TWO GRAND DEEP IN THE NUT BIN.

CHUNG HE,

DO NOT PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH.

I AM NOT PLAYING.

YOU THINK I'M PLAYING? 'CAUSE I'M NOT.

DON'T TEST ME. DO. NOT. TEST. ME!

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT. YOU GUYS JUST LOST

VIDEO GAMES FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.

HEY, EDDIE. WHAT'S UP, MAN?

HEY, HEY. LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT YOUR HANDS FULL, HUH?

YEAH, YOU REALLY START TO SEE YOURSELF IN 'EM, YOU KNOW?

IT'S UNCANNY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE SUPERMARKET?

OH, JUST A LITTLE SHOPPING.

I'M GONNA BE COOKING DINNER TONIGHT

FOR MY LADIES, JOY AND EILEEN.

OH, SO, JOY NEVER FOUND OUT ABOUT YOU TWO.

SHE DID FIND OUT. AND GUESS WHAT?

TURNS OUT THAT EILEEN REALLY NEVER GOT OVER ME.

EILEEN.

THE HOT GIRL THAT WAS AT YOUR HOUSE.

YES.

AND EVERY TIME THEY'RE HANGING OUT,

SHE ALWAYS TELLS JOY ABOUT ALL THE THINGS

SHE USED TO LOVE ABOUT ME.

GETS JOY ALL PUMPED UP,

SHE COMES HOME AND ROCKS MY WORLD.

OH, SO, BECAUSE ANOTHER WOMAN THINKS YOU'RE COOL,

NOW JOY SEES YOU IN A WHOLE NEW LIGHT.

EXACTLY.

LAST NIGHT, WE DID IT FACE TO FACE,

EYES OPEN, NO ALCOHOL.

WOW.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

EILEEN'S HERE. EDDIE, WILL YOU GET IT?

Eddie: GOT IT.

Joy: OK.

HI, EDDIE.

HIYA, KID.

YOU'RE LOOKIN' GOOD.

AM I?

CAN I, UH, TAKE YOUR COAT?

OH, THANK YOU.

JUST PUT 'EM RIGHT THERE IN THESE BIG PAWS.

EH?

THANK YOU.

WHY DON'T I TELL JOY YOU'RE HERE.

OR MAYBE I'LL HAVE HERMAN MUNSTER TELL HER.

[IMITATING HERMAN MUNSTER]

UH--UH--UH--UH, JOY, KIDS, GRANDPA,

UH--UH, EILEEN'S HERE.

I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE TWO SECONDS,

HE'S ALREADY GOT ME LAUGHING.

OH, THAT'S MY EDDIE.

HEY, DO ANOTHER ONE.

DO, UM, AL PACINO.

OH, NO, I DON'T WANT TO SHOW--

[IMITATING AL PACINO] DON'T--DON'T TELL YOU WHAT TO DO

IN MY OWN HOUSE.

LIKE AN OLD-- LIKE AN OLD COCKROACH.

JOY, THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME OVER,

AND FOR SHARING YOUR HUSBAND WITH ME FOR A NIGHT.

DON'T FORGET. I'M TAKING HIM BACK IN THE MORNING.

OK, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?

MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE.

PLEASE, BOTH OF YOU.

I'M GONNA GO INTO THE KITCHEN

AND WHIP UP SOME BRANDY ALEXANDERS

AND WE'RE GONNA GET THIS PARTY STARTED.

I WANT SODA.

HEY, I TOLD YOU BOYS.

NO DRINKS UNTIL AFTER THE MOVIE.

WHY DO YOU GET SODA?

BECAUSE WHEN I GO TO THE BATHROOM,

I DON'T NEED SOMEBODY TO GO WITH ME

TO HELP TAKE MY PANTS OFF.

[GASPS]

MOMMY!

JULIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE WORKING?

AND WHO'S THIS GUY?

THAT'S MOMMY'S BOYFRIEND.

I THOUGHT I WAS MOMMY'S BOYFRIEND.

[CHILDREN LAUGH]

HEY, HEY. I'M RICK.

WHAT'S GOING ON, JULIE?

[SIGHS] I'M SORRY, KENNY.

WHAT DOES THIS GUY HAVE THAT I DON'T HAVE?

BESIDES GREAT LOOKS,

AWESOME CLOTHES,

AND A SUPER-BOWL RING?

I--IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER,

YOU'VE BEEN DOING A GREAT JOB.

AND THE KIDS JUST LOVE YOU.

YEAH, HE WAS GONNA TAKE US TO SEE DEATH TROOPERS 4.

Y-YOU WERE GOING TO TAKE THEM

TO SEE A PG-13 MOVIE?

YOU ARE IN NO POSITION

TO BE QUESTIONING MY PARENTING SKILLS RIGHT NOW.

THIS IS OVER. THAT'S IT.

PRACTICE YOUR PIANO.

YOU STOP SETTING THINGS ON FIRE.

AND YOU DRINK THIS WHOLE SODA

AND MAKE RICK TAKE YOU TO THE BATHROOM.

Y'ALL BE COOL.

[EDDIE LAUGHING] OH, MY, THAT IS--

THAT IS WHY THE GIRAFFE SAID,

"THE HIGH BALLS ARE ON ME."

[ALL LAUGHING]

ALL RIGHT. OH, MY, MY, MY.

OH, THIS IS JUST LIKE OLD TIMES.

WELL, ACTUALLY, IT ISN'T LIKE OLD TIMES

BECAUSE THE THREE OF US HAVE NEVER BEEN TOGETHER BEFORE.

SO, IT'S KIND OF LIKE TWO OLD TIMES

WOVEN INTO ONE VERY SPECIAL NEW TIME.

HERE'S TO SPECIAL NEW TIMES.

PERFECT.

HEY, OK, OK.

I DON'T WANT TO EMBARRASS ANYBODY HERE,

BUT, UM...

I BROUGHT PICTURES.

NO!

YES! NO!

OH, YEAH.

BRING 'EM ON, SISTER.

HERE'S THAT.

YEAH.

[ALL LAUGHING]

IT'S '80s EDDIE.

IT MUST HAVE TAKEN A WHOLE PARACHUTE TO MAKE THOSE PANTS.

UH, WAIT.

I HAVE SOME EDDIE PICTURES OF MY OWN.

NO, NO!

DO NOT--YOUNG LADY, DO NOT BRING OUT THAT FLOWERED PHOTO ALBUM.

NOT THE FLOWERED ONE!

YOU'RE NOT BRINGING IT. DO NOT BRING IT OUT.

I WILL KILL YOU.

I WILL KILL YOU IF YOU OPEN--

[LAUGHING]

I HAVE ONE WITH A MULLET,

MUTTON CHOPS AND A BIKER JACKET.

NO! LOOK IT.

GOOD LORD!

OH, YOU DIDN'T.

LOOK--LOOK--LOOK.

I HAVE TO--I HAVE TO--

I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE IN A MOTORCYCLE GANG.

BUT IT LOOK--IT REALLY WASN'T A GANG.

IT WAS MORE LIKE A CLUB.

IT WAS ME AND TWO DENTISTS, OK?

OH, WAIT. OH, WAIT.

OK, HERE'S ONE OF EDDIE IN AN R.E.O. SPEEDWAGON T-SHIRT.

OOH! OH, YEAH.

OK, SEE NOW, THAT WAS A GAG.

THAT WAS A GAG. THAT WAS NOT MY SHIRT.

HERE'S, UH, HERE'S HIM

IN A DIFFERENT R.E.O. SPEEDWAGON T-SHIRT

AT AN R.E.O. SPEEDWAGON CONCERT.

OK. ALL RIGHT. LOOK.

I'M NOT--I'M NOT GONNA LIE.

I LOVED THE WAGON.

YOU KNOW, I, ACTUALLY,

I THINK THAT CONCERT

WAS THE LAST DATE WE EVER WENT ON.

REALLY? THE LAST ONE?

YEAH, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I REMEMBER,

YOU BROKE UP WITH ME RIGHT WHEN WE GOT BACK INTO THE CAR.

AND THEN, IT TOOK US, LIKE, 90 MINUTES

TO GET OUT OF THE PARKING LOT.

YES, YES, YES!

I REMEMBER-- AND THEY WERE PLAYING

ALL THOSE BREAKUP SONGS ON THE RADIO.

THAT WAS TORTURE.

IT MUST HAVE BEEN BRUTAL.

OH, IT WAS TOTALLY BRUTAL.

IT WAS BRUTAL.

IT WAS THE CRAZIEST BREAK UP I'VE EVER HAD.

REALLY? YEAH.

OH, MY GOD. I FEEL HORRIBLE.

OH, IT WAS ME. WAS IT REALLY?

NO. OHH.

I'M SURE THE WHOLE THING WAS MY FAULT.

NO, CAN I BE HONEST?

IT WAS NOTHING THAT YOU DID, YOU KNOW?

AND IT WAS KINDA MEANT TO BE WE WERE BROKEN UP.

'CAUSE THEN I FOUND MY GIRL

AND I ENDED UP WITH THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.

LUCKY MAN.

AND ANYWAY, YOU WERE WAY OUT OF MY LEAGUE.

OH, COME ON. THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

NO, NO. REALLY.

I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU. LOOK AT ME.

YOU KNOW?

ALL I WAS THINKING IS HOW CAN I SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE

WALKIN' DOWN THE STREET WITH EVERYBODY GOING,

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED THERE?"

EDDIE! NO, THAT IS NOT TRUE.

NO, SERIOUSLY. IT IS.

AM I RIGHT? I MEAN, WE ARE LIKE

IN TWO DIFFERENT GALAXIES, ME AND HER.

NO, EDDIE, STOP.

NO, IT'S LIKE, SEE, YOU'RE THE GIRL I GET IN THE MOVIES,

YOU SEE, BUT IN REAL LIFE,

I PROBABLY END UP WITH SOMEONE LIKE, I DON'T KNOW--

ME? EXACTLY!

AND THAT'S WHY...

REAL LIFE IS BETTER THAN THE MOVIES.

THE END.

WHO'S UP FOR CHARADES?

UM, EVERY--EVERYTHING'S CLEANED UP DOWN THERE.

I DID THE DISHES

AND PUT EVERYTHING AWAY.

GOOD LUCK FINDING YOUR SALAD TONGS,

BECAUSE, UH, LORD KNOWS WHAT DRAWER I PUT THEM IN.

[CHUCKLES] OH, MEN ARE SO STUPID.

HEY.

WHAT A NIGHT, HUH?

BOY, THOSE BRANDY ALEXANDERS,

THEY SURE MAKE YOU SAY THINGS YOU DON'T MEAN, HUH?

WOW. AM I RIGHT?

HONEY, YOU SEEM A LITTLE TENSE.

HOW ABOUT A SHOULDER MASSAGE FROM MR. BIG-HANDS, HMM?

THAT'S IT, MMM.

OK.

MAYBE HERMAN MUNSTER COULD GIVE YOU A MASSAGE.

[IMITATING HERMAN MUNSTER] RUB A DUB DUB, LILY.

[NORMAL VOICE] OK, ALL RIGHT.

OK.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, IF IT'S NOT WORKIN' FOR YA.

SO JUST--JUST TELL ME WHERE I AM HERE.

IS THIS GO-SLEEP- ON-THE-COUCH BAD,

OR SHOULD I BE LOOKING FOR A CORPORATE APARTMENT DOWN BY THE AIRPORT?

YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.

JOY, HONEY, LOOK...

I'M SORRY ABOUT WHAT I SAID.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE EILEEN FEEL BETTER.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT,

IT WAS THE FIRST TIME THAT I EVER HAD TO GIVE A WOMAN

A "SORRY I BROKE YOUR HEART" SPEECH.

IT'S HOW TO GIVE A WOMAN A "SORRY I BROKE YOUR FOOT" SPEECH.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, PAL.

I AM WAY OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE.

ABSOLUTELY.

I MEAN, I COULD HAVE HAD A MILLION GUYS

THAT WERE BETTER THAN YOU.

TWO MILLION. OK.

AND WHEN WE WALK DOWN THE STREET,

PEOPLE LOOK AT US AND THEY SAY, "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED THERE?"

THAT'S RIGHT. I AM DOWN HERE,

AND YOU ARE WAY UP HERE.

I MEAN, I'M THE CLASSY ONE.

I LOVE THE OPERA, I LIKE FINE WINES.

I LIKE MUSEUMS. I AM SOPHISTICATED!

I AM MARRIED TO THE FRICKIN' QUEEN OF ENGLAND

RIGHT HERE, YES.

OH, WHO THE HELL AM I KIDDING?

I DON'T LIKE ANY OF THAT STUFF.

EILEEN'S WAY OUT OF MY LEAGUE.

NO, SHE IS NOT.

HONEY, I MET THE WOMAN STEALING AN UMBRELLA.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE CRAFTY, SEE?

OK, LOOK, IF YOU WERE STRANDED ON A DESERT ISLAND,

WHAT WOULD YOU RATHER BE, CLASSY OR CRAFTY?

HMM?

HONEY, CRAFTY IS NOT GOOD.

WHEN YOU WALK DOWN THE STREET,

GUYS DON'T SAY, "HEY, CHECK OUT THAT GIRL, SHE'S CRAFTY."

LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU.

I DIDN'T WANT A WOMAN WHO WAS SOPHISTICATED AND CLASSY.

I WANTED YOU.

I-I-I--

I LOVE THAT WE SEASON-PASS COPS.

I LOVE HOW AT BEST YOU CAN ONLY NAME 20 STATES.

I LOVE HOW WE PRETEND WE'RE IN AN ARGUMENT

WHEN WE GO TO THE SUPERMARKET

SO WE DON'T HAVE TO REGISTER TO VOTE.

I LOVE THOSE THINGS, TOO.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

EILEEN WISHES SHE HAD SOMETHING THAT WE HAVE.

WHAT DO WE HAVE?

EACH OTHER.

RIGHT.

YEAH.

SO...

WE GOOD?

YEAH, WE'RE GOOD.

GOOD.

'CAUSE I WAS LYIN' ABOUT THE KITCHEN.

IT'S A MESS DOWN THERE.

HEY, WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

OH, NOTHIN' MUCH.

HOW'S YOUR FAMILY?

IN TURMOIL.

OH, WHAT'S A MATTER?

WELL, WENT TO THE MOVIES TONIGHT,

AND I RAN INTO JULIE AND HER BOYFRIEND.

TURNS OUT SHE WAS JUST USING ME.

WOW. NEVER SAW THAT ONE COMING.

LOOK, BUDDY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. YOU'LL GET OVER HER.

[SCOFFS] I DON'T CARE ABOUT HER.

WELL, WHY ARE YOU SO UPSET?

I MISS MY KIDS.

[CHEERING]