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1
00:00:02,669 --> 00:00:06,206
♪ I LIKE COFFEE,
TEA'S YOUR BAG ♪
2
00:00:06,306 --> 00:00:07,907
♪ THOUGH IT MAKES
NO SENSE, IT'S TRUE ♪
3
00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:10,377
♪ THERE'S NO ME
WITHOUT YOU ♪
4
00:00:17,217 --> 00:00:20,754
{\an8}YOU KNOW WHAT?
JUST GET THE OBSCENELY
OVERPRICED JUICE,
5
00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:22,088
{\an8}AND LET'S GET
OUT OF HERE.
6
00:00:22,188 --> 00:00:25,291
{\an8}NO, WE STILL HAVE
TO GO GET DOUG'S GIFT.
7
00:00:25,392 --> 00:00:28,061
{\an8}OH, COME ON.
8
00:00:28,161 --> 00:00:29,996
{\an8}WHAT ARE WE GONNA GET
OUR MODERN-DAY-HIPPIE
SON-IN-LAW AT A MALL?
9
00:00:30,096 --> 00:00:32,565
{\an8}YEAH. TELL ME ABOUT IT.
I MEAN, IT IS 2009.
10
00:00:32,665 --> 00:00:35,502
{\an8}WOULD IT KILL HALLMARK
TO START SELLING POT?
11
00:00:35,602 --> 00:00:36,469
{\an8}OH!
12
00:00:36,569 --> 00:00:38,204
{\an8}SEE--TH--TH--
THIS WHOLE PLACE--
13
00:00:38,304 --> 00:00:40,707
{\an8}I DON'T THINK THIS IS
WHAT BABY JESUS HAD IN MIND
14
00:00:40,807 --> 00:00:43,710
{\an8}WHEN HE INVENTED CHRISTMAS.
THIS WAS NOT IT!
15
00:00:43,810 --> 00:00:47,380
{\an8}ALL RIGHT, I JUST BOUGHT
THIS TIE FOR MY INTERVIEW.
16
00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:48,648
{\an8}YOU LIKE IT?
17
00:00:48,748 --> 00:00:50,483
{\an8}I WANT THEM TO KNOW
I'M SERIOUS ABOUT THIS.
18
00:00:50,583 --> 00:00:53,153
{\an8}MM-HMM. PURPLE JACKET.
PURPLE TIE.
PURPLE SHOES.
19
00:00:53,253 --> 00:00:57,023
{\an8}LET ME GUESS.
SOMEWHERE PRINCE IS NAKED.
20
00:00:57,123 --> 00:00:58,391
{\an8}THIS IS A BIG DEAL, MAN!
21
00:00:58,491 --> 00:00:59,893
{\an8}I'M BREAKING THE MALL
SANTA COLOR BARRIER.
22
00:00:59,993 --> 00:01:02,629
{\an8}I'M GONNA BE THE JACKIE
ROBINSON OF MALL SANTAS.
23
00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:05,665
{\an8}LISTEN, I'M GONNA GO BUY
DOUG $30 WORTH OF CANDLE.
24
00:01:05,765 --> 00:01:09,069
{\an8}CAN I TRUST YOU TO STAND
HERE AND NOT LOSE IT?
25
00:01:09,169 --> 00:01:11,471
{\an8}THIS WHOLE THING IS ICE.
26
00:01:11,571 --> 00:01:15,575
{\an8}THE WHEELS HAVE COME OFF
THE WHOLE DAY.
27
00:01:15,675 --> 00:01:17,577
{\an8}AHH, PERFECT.
28
00:01:17,677 --> 00:01:18,611
{\an8}OH!
OH, GOD!
29
00:01:18,711 --> 00:01:22,649
{\an8}OH MY--I AM SO SORRY!
30
00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:23,683
{\an8}NO WORRIES, MAN.
31
00:01:23,783 --> 00:01:27,654
{\an8}WAIT. WAIT. NO.
OH, MY...GOD.
32
00:01:27,754 --> 00:01:29,856
{\an8}I SURE HOPE YOU DON'T HAVE
ANY FEELING DOWN HERE.
33
00:01:29,956 --> 00:01:35,662
{\an8}WELL, MAYBE YOU DO WANT
FEELING DOWN THERE EXCEPT--
EXCEPT FOR NOW. YOU KNOW?
34
00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:37,864
{\an8}OR MAYBE YOU'D LIKE IT.
YOU KNOW--
35
00:01:37,964 --> 00:01:39,432
{\an8}I AM TOTALLY FINE.
36
00:01:39,532 --> 00:01:43,403
{\an8}I GOT MY FOAMY ORANGE DRINK
ALL OVER YOU.
37
00:01:43,503 --> 00:01:46,906
{\an8}HEY, IT WAS KINDA
HOT IN HERE.
NOW I'M NICE AND COOL.
38
00:01:47,006 --> 00:01:50,643
YOU ARE BEING
WEIRDLY NICE ABOUT THIS.
39
00:01:50,743 --> 00:01:51,978
WELL, HEY.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY.
40
00:01:52,078 --> 00:01:53,847
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL TIME
OF THE YEAR.
41
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:55,548
I GOT NO COMPLAINTS.
42
00:01:55,648 --> 00:01:56,683
REALLY?
43
00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:57,817
YEAH.
44
00:01:57,917 --> 00:01:59,686
YOU GOT NO COMPLAINTS?
45
00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:03,823
EVEN WITH THE WHOLE...DEALIE?
46
00:02:04,557 --> 00:02:05,992
HEY, I'M ALIVE.
47
00:02:06,092 --> 00:02:08,561
I'VE GOT A FAMILY
THAT JUST LOVES ME.
48
00:02:08,661 --> 00:02:12,098
AND NOW I GOT PANTS
THAT SMELL LIKE FLORIDA.
49
00:02:12,198 --> 00:02:13,933
IT'S ALL GOOD.
50
00:02:14,033 --> 00:02:15,235
WOW.
51
00:02:15,335 --> 00:02:17,203
THAT IS AN AMAZING ATTITUDE.
52
00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:18,705
I HAVE A CUTICLE INFECTION
53
00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:22,876
AND I WANT TO SMOTHER MYSELF
WITH THIS FESTIVE HOLIDAY BAG.
54
00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:25,211
AFTER MY INJURY,
I WAS REAL BITTER.
55
00:02:25,311 --> 00:02:29,482
BUT THEN I JUST REALIZED
HOW LUCKY I AM
TO STILL BE HERE.
56
00:02:29,582 --> 00:02:31,551
SO NOW I WEAR
THIS RUBBER BAND.
57
00:02:31,651 --> 00:02:33,353
AND WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE
COMPLAINING,
58
00:02:33,453 --> 00:02:34,754
I JUST GIVE IT
A LITTLE SNAP.
59
00:02:34,854 --> 00:02:37,790
NOW, IF YOU DON'T
COMPLAIN, NOTHING'S BAD.
60
00:02:37,891 --> 00:02:39,626
IF NOTHING'S BAD,
THEN YOU'RE HAPPY.
61
00:02:39,726 --> 00:02:43,163
AND IF YOU'RE HAPPY,
THEN LIFE IS GREAT.
62
00:02:43,263 --> 00:02:44,764
HUH.
63
00:02:44,864 --> 00:02:47,700
I GOTTA GO WAIT 30 MINUTES
FOR THE ELEVATOR.
64
00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:49,202
OK.
65
00:02:49,969 --> 00:02:51,304
HAVE A GREAT DAY, HUH?
66
00:02:51,404 --> 00:02:54,440
NO. YOU DON'T HAVE
A GREAT DAY.
67
00:02:54,541 --> 00:02:57,844
YOU MAKE IT A GREAT DAY.
68
00:03:02,582 --> 00:03:03,550
SORRY.
69
00:03:03,650 --> 00:03:05,685
AH, IT'S OK.
70
00:03:06,586 --> 00:03:09,856
IT IS OK.
71
00:03:12,358 --> 00:03:14,894
HOW OLD WAS THAT WOMAN
WRAPPING PACKAGES?
72
00:03:14,994 --> 00:03:18,231
I'M GUESSING, LIKE, 140.
73
00:03:18,331 --> 00:03:19,766
WELL, ON THE PLUS SIDE--
74
00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:24,604
I SHOOK THE HAND THAT SHOOK
THE HAND OF THOMAS ALVA EDISON.
75
00:03:24,704 --> 00:03:27,874
YOU'VE BEEN EXTRAORDINARILY
CHIPPER ALL THE WAY HOME.
76
00:03:27,974 --> 00:03:29,776
WHAT'S GOING ON?
77
00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:31,744
YOU KNOW,
SOMETHING AMAZING
HAPPENED TO ME TONIGHT.
78
00:03:31,844 --> 00:03:34,581
I ACCIDENTALLY SPILLED
MY DRINK ON A DISABLED GUY
AT THE FOOD COURT,
79
00:03:34,681 --> 00:03:37,684
AND HIS MAGICAL MESSAGE
CHANGED MY LIFE.
80
00:03:37,784 --> 00:03:42,222
DID ANYONE ELSE SEE
THIS "DISABLED" GUY?
81
00:03:42,322 --> 00:03:44,324
THE GUY IS VERY REAL.
82
00:03:44,424 --> 00:03:47,493
AND HE TAUGHT ME
A VERY REAL LESSON.
83
00:03:47,594 --> 00:03:49,862
I'M DONE COMPLAINING.
84
00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:50,964
ABOUT WHAT?
85
00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:52,398
ABOUT EVERYTHING.
86
00:03:52,498 --> 00:03:54,534
WHOOSH.
REALLY NOT GETTIN' IT.
87
00:03:54,634 --> 00:03:56,903
WAIT. WE HAVE RUBBER BANDS
IN THE HOUSE SOMEWHERE,
DON'T WE?
88
00:03:57,003 --> 00:03:58,171
DRAWER OVER THERE. WHY?
89
00:03:58,271 --> 00:04:01,474
WHY? WELL, I'M GOING
TO WEAR A RUBBER BAND
90
00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:04,477
TO REMIND ME NOT
TO COMPLAIN.
91
00:04:04,577 --> 00:04:06,312
AND THAT'S FOR YOU.
92
00:04:06,412 --> 00:04:09,582
YEAH, I'M GOOD.
93
00:04:09,682 --> 00:04:13,353
OK. I WOULD REALLY LIKE
FOR YOU TO DO THIS WITH ME.
94
00:04:13,453 --> 00:04:18,124
BUT... I'M OK IF YOU DON'T!
95
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:24,731
EDDIE, THERE IS NO WAY
ON EARTH YOU'RE GONNA
BE ABLE TO DO THIS.
96
00:04:24,831 --> 00:04:26,899
YOU WILL NOT STICK TO IT.
97
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,668
REMEMBER BACON-FREE TUESDAYS?
98
00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:31,671
LOOK, THERE WAS NO WAY
YOU COULD JUST FLIP OFF
THAT SWITCH.
99
00:04:31,771 --> 00:04:34,941
YOU KNOW THAT.
BACON IS THE CANDY OF MEATS.
100
00:04:35,041 --> 00:04:37,844
THIS--THIS, JOY,
IS A LOT EASIER.
101
00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:40,580
I'M TELLING YOU
WE CAN DO THIS.
102
00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:41,948
LET ME SHOW YOU.
103
00:04:42,048 --> 00:04:43,583
HOW WAS YOUR DAY AT WORK?
104
00:04:43,683 --> 00:04:44,784
BAD.
105
00:04:44,884 --> 00:04:47,420
BEING A TRAVEL AGENT
DURING THE HOLIDAYS SUCKS.
106
00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:51,391
YOU'RE PLANNING SOMEONE ELSE'S
TRIP TO ST. TROPEZ,
107
00:04:51,491 --> 00:04:53,226
AND YOU DON'T EVEN GET A BONUS.
108
00:04:53,326 --> 00:04:55,862
BUT YOU'RE STIMULATING
THE ST. TROPEZIAN ECONOMY.
109
00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:59,465
AND I'M SURE--
I'M SURE THAT MEANS
A LITTLE MIGUELITO
110
00:04:59,565 --> 00:05:02,969
IS GONNA GET ONE HECK
OF A CHRISTMAS PRESENT.
111
00:05:03,069 --> 00:05:05,371
MIGUELITO?
112
00:05:05,471 --> 00:05:08,608
YES. WELL I'M NOT REALLY
SURE WHAT SAN TROPEZITES
113
00:05:08,708 --> 00:05:09,942
CALL THEIR YOUNG,
114
00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:13,279
BUT I HAVE A FEELING
HE'S AS CUTE AS A BUTTON,
115
00:05:13,379 --> 00:05:15,748
AND PROBABLY VERY TAN.
116
00:05:15,848 --> 00:05:19,419
YOU'RE STARTING TO ANNOY THE
HELL OUT OF ME RIGHT NOW.
117
00:05:19,519 --> 00:05:20,653
WANNA SNAP MY RUBBER BAND?
118
00:05:20,753 --> 00:05:22,822
I WANNA SNAP YOUR NECK.
119
00:05:24,457 --> 00:05:26,225
I LIKE COMPLAINING TO YOU.
120
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:31,464
YOUR WHOLE FUNCTION IN MY LIFE
IS TO BE THE GUY THAT I COME
HOME AND BITCH TO.
121
00:05:31,564 --> 00:05:36,969
I MEAN, WHAT OTHER PURPOSE
DO YOU SERVE BESIDES
CLOGGING THE SHOWER DRAIN
122
00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:40,640
AND TAKING UP
HALF MY TIVO SPACE?
123
00:05:40,740 --> 00:05:41,774
FREEZE THAT.
124
00:05:41,874 --> 00:05:43,776
FREEZE THAT.
FREEZE THAT FACE.
125
00:05:43,876 --> 00:05:45,044
NOW WALK WITH ME.
126
00:05:45,144 --> 00:05:47,613
FREEZE IT. OK.
COME HERE.
127
00:05:47,714 --> 00:05:48,748
COME HERE.
128
00:05:48,848 --> 00:05:51,050
WALK TO THIS MIRROR.
129
00:05:51,150 --> 00:05:55,188
OK. NOW, LOOK AT MY FACE.
130
00:05:55,288 --> 00:05:58,091
AND LOOK AT YOUR FACE.
131
00:06:00,426 --> 00:06:01,761
WHAT DO YOU SEE HERE?
132
00:06:01,861 --> 00:06:03,363
OH MY GOD.
133
00:06:03,463 --> 00:06:07,433
WHO'S THAT MEAN BUT BEAUTIFUL
WOMAN IN THE MIRROR?
134
00:06:07,533 --> 00:06:13,406
THAT IS SOMEONE WHO'S FILLED
WITH BILE AND BITTERNESS.
135
00:06:13,506 --> 00:06:14,774
I DON'T KNOW.
136
00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:16,776
NO. NO. IT CAN CHANGE.
LISTEN--LISTEN TO ME, JOY.
137
00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:21,314
TAKE THIS RIDE WITH ME.
OUR LIFE WILL BE HEALTHIER
AND HAPPIER.
138
00:06:21,414 --> 00:06:26,886
WE'LL LIVE INTO OUR 50s.
I'M ALMOST SURE OF IT.
139
00:06:26,986 --> 00:06:31,257
AH, WHAT THE HELL.
WHAT I'M DOING NOW
ISN'T WORKING.
140
00:06:31,357 --> 00:06:33,192
ATTA GIRL.
141
00:06:35,828 --> 00:06:38,331
SO...
142
00:06:38,431 --> 00:06:42,802
YOU WANNA MAYBE [CLICK]
HEAD UPSTAIRS...?
143
00:06:44,971 --> 00:06:46,739
OK. YEAH. SURE. WHY NOT?
144
00:06:46,839 --> 00:06:48,274
HEY, A QUESTION.
YEAH?
145
00:06:48,374 --> 00:06:54,147
DOES THE WHOLE NOT COMPLAINING
THING, DOES IT APPLY TO [CLICK]?
146
00:06:57,049 --> 00:06:58,484
YES.
147
00:06:58,584 --> 00:06:59,452
WHERE YOU GOING?
148
00:06:59,552 --> 00:07:02,455
GONNA GO GET A RUBBER BAND.
149
00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:13,499
ALL RIGHT. YOU SIT HERE.
150
00:07:13,599 --> 00:07:14,667
I LOVE IT!
151
00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:16,669
FRANKIE THERE TAKES
THE PICTURES.
152
00:07:16,769 --> 00:07:18,304
LITTLE GUY, BIG TALENT! WHOO!
153
00:07:18,404 --> 00:07:21,641
THE REST IS PRETTY
SELF-EXPLANATORY.
154
00:07:21,741 --> 00:07:25,978
TAKE ONE KID AT A TIME,
AND TRY TO KEEP IT MOVING.
155
00:07:26,078 --> 00:07:27,847
IF YOU SENSE THAT THEY'RE
ABOUT TO PEE ON YOU,
156
00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:32,819
HOLD THEM OVER THE SNOW.
I PACKED IT PRETTY GOOD
WITH WEE WEE PADS.
157
00:07:32,919 --> 00:07:37,223
FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART,
I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR
THIS AMAZING OPPORTUNITY.
158
00:07:37,323 --> 00:07:39,125
YEAH, OK.
159
00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:42,862
HO, HO, HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS!
160
00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:44,764
WHO'S MY FIRST CONTESTANT?
161
00:07:44,864 --> 00:07:47,433
HEH. HEH. COME ON UP HERE.
162
00:07:47,533 --> 00:07:51,170
MM. LOOKING GOOD MRS. CLAUS.
LOOKING GOOD.
163
00:07:51,270 --> 00:07:53,439
AND WHAT DO YOU WANT
FOR CHRISTMAS, LITTLE GIRL?
164
00:07:53,539 --> 00:07:56,742
I WANT A BABY DOLL,
AND A PRINCESS BED,
165
00:07:56,843 --> 00:07:58,578
AND A TELEVISION FOR MY ROOM.
166
00:07:58,678 --> 00:08:01,747
YOU GOT IT!
SMILE FOR FRANKIE!
167
00:08:01,848 --> 00:08:05,952
HA HA. LOVE THIS.
WHO'S NEXT?
168
00:08:06,719 --> 00:08:08,054
GET UP HERE, SPORT.
169
00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:11,190
AND WHAT DO YOU WANT
FOR CHRISTMAS, LITTLE BOY?
170
00:08:11,290 --> 00:08:12,758
I WANT AN ELEPHANT.
171
00:08:12,859 --> 00:08:16,162
YOU GOT IT!
SMILE FOR FRANKIE!
172
00:08:19,198 --> 00:08:21,868
WOW, YOU'RE THE BEST SANTA EVER!
173
00:08:21,968 --> 00:08:24,403
HO HO. I LIKE YOUR ATTITUDE!
174
00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,772
MAKE THAT TWO ELEPHANTS.
175
00:08:26,873 --> 00:08:28,908
SANTA'S GOING CRAZY
THIS YEAR.
176
00:08:29,008 --> 00:08:31,811
AND YOU KNOW
WHO THE WINNER IS? KIDS!
177
00:08:31,911 --> 00:08:34,881
[CHEERING]
178
00:08:34,981 --> 00:08:36,983
PAPER SAYS RAIN.
179
00:08:38,384 --> 00:08:41,153
RAIN MAKES FLOWERS GROW.
180
00:08:41,254 --> 00:08:42,455
YES IT DOES.
181
00:08:42,555 --> 00:08:45,525
I AM REALLY ROCKIN'
THIS POSITIVE THINKING.
182
00:08:45,625 --> 00:08:47,693
AND IT WORKS FOR EVERYTHING.
183
00:08:47,793 --> 00:08:54,267
LIKE, YOU KNOW HOW I ALWAYS
SAY THAT THE WAY YOU EAT
SOUP MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT?
184
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:55,935
YEAH, YEAH, TOTALLY.
185
00:08:56,035 --> 00:08:57,737
WELL, NOW I SAY--
186
00:08:57,837 --> 00:09:02,842
"GOD, WHEN HE'S DEAD,
I'M GONNA MISS THAT."
187
00:09:04,143 --> 00:09:06,012
WORKS.
188
00:09:07,013 --> 00:09:09,181
WELL, WELL, WELL.
189
00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:13,052
IT LOOKS LIKE THE STUDENT
IS BECOMING THE MASTER.
190
00:09:13,152 --> 00:09:14,820
INDEED.
191
00:09:14,921 --> 00:09:18,057
[CLEARS THROAT, SNIFFS]
192
00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:23,229
THAT'S WEIRD.
193
00:09:23,329 --> 00:09:24,730
WHAT'S WEIRD?
194
00:09:24,830 --> 00:09:31,971
[CLEARS THROAT]
JUST HAVE A, UH, SNIFFLE.
NO BIG DEAL.
195
00:09:32,071 --> 00:09:33,272
YEAH. AMEN. WE'RE BLESSED.
196
00:09:33,372 --> 00:09:36,042
YES. INDEED WE ARE.
197
00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:39,145
NOT THAT I'M
COMPLAINING. BUT...
198
00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:40,780
YEAH?
199
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:44,850
IT DOES--IT DOES FEEL LIKE
SOMEONE HAS TAKEN WARM,
WET COTTON BALLS
200
00:09:44,951 --> 00:09:46,552
AND SHOVED THEM
UP MY NOSE
201
00:09:46,652 --> 00:09:49,689
AND THEN DIG THEM
OUT WITH SANDPAPER.
202
00:09:49,789 --> 00:09:52,091
THAT'S HOW
IT'S FEELING.
203
00:09:52,191 --> 00:09:53,426
NOT THAT I'M
COMPLAINING.
204
00:09:53,526 --> 00:09:55,494
I'M JUST MAKING CONVERSATION.
205
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,363
SOUNDS A LITTLE BIT
LIKE YOU'RE COMPLAINING.
206
00:09:57,463 --> 00:10:00,800
NO. BECAUSE I SAID,
"NOT COMPLAINING."
207
00:10:00,900 --> 00:10:03,536
SPECIFICALLY I SAID, "NOT."
208
00:10:03,636 --> 00:10:05,271
GOOD. BECAUSE I'M
NOT GIVING THIS UP.
209
00:10:05,371 --> 00:10:09,976
BECAUSE I AM LOVING THIS.
AND PEOPLE ARE LOVING ME
DOING IT.
210
00:10:10,076 --> 00:10:13,312
I MEAN, IF YOU WANT TO STOP,
THAT'S FINE.
211
00:10:13,412 --> 00:10:17,450
BUT I'M NOT. BECAUSE IT IS
AMAZING FOR ME.
212
00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:19,318
PFFP, AMAZING FOR YOU?
213
00:10:19,418 --> 00:10:21,354
IT'S AMAZING FOR ME.
214
00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:23,556
AND I STARTED DOING
IT 6 HOURS BEFORE YOU,
215
00:10:23,656 --> 00:10:31,297
SO YOU--YOU WON'T EVEN KNOW
HOW AMAZING IT IS
UNTIL 8:00 TONIGHT.
216
00:10:31,397 --> 00:10:34,300
SO, I ENVY YOU.
217
00:10:35,001 --> 00:10:36,168
HEY, MOM, DAD.
218
00:10:36,268 --> 00:10:38,437
CAN DOUG AND I TALK TO YOU GUYS
ABOUT SOMETHING?
219
00:10:38,537 --> 00:10:40,106
YEAH SURE, SWEETIE,
WHAT IS IT?
220
00:10:40,206 --> 00:10:41,841
WELL,
MOTHER AND FATHER STARK,
221
00:10:41,941 --> 00:10:43,409
NOW THAT WE'RE ALL FAMILY,
222
00:10:43,509 --> 00:10:46,212
ALLISON AND I WOULD LIKE
TO START SOME NEW FAMILY
TRADITIONS.
223
00:10:46,312 --> 00:10:49,148
AND WE'D LIKE TO KICK IT
OFF WITH...
224
00:10:49,248 --> 00:10:50,149
HOMEMADE GIFTS!
225
00:10:50,249 --> 00:10:52,318
HOMEMADE GIFTS.
226
00:10:52,418 --> 00:10:53,285
OK.
227
00:10:53,386 --> 00:10:54,420
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
228
00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:58,758
SO, NOTHING STORE-BOUGHT
AT ALL?
229
00:10:58,858 --> 00:11:00,292
NO. NO. JUST
MADE WITH LOVE.
230
00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:01,927
AND BROKEN PASTA.
STOP!
231
00:11:02,028 --> 00:11:04,296
OOPS, I SAID TOO MUCH.
232
00:11:06,165 --> 00:11:10,870
OK. THAT SOUNDS SWEET.
GOOD IDEA.
233
00:11:10,970 --> 00:11:12,104
I'M GONNA START DINNER.
234
00:11:12,204 --> 00:11:13,739
MM-HMM.
235
00:11:13,839 --> 00:11:18,244
SWEETIE, COULD YOU GO BACK
TO THE MALL AND RETURN
ALL THOSE GIFTS?
236
00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:20,446
THE MALL? TODAY?
237
00:11:20,546 --> 00:11:22,982
CHRISTMAS EVE?
238
00:11:23,082 --> 00:11:27,386
IF YOU CAN'T DO IT.
I CAN. I MEAN, I WOULDN'T MIND.
239
00:11:27,486 --> 00:11:30,222
NO, I WOULDN'T MIND
DOING IT.
240
00:11:30,322 --> 00:11:32,458
ACTUALLY,
I WOULD MIND NOT DOING IT.
241
00:11:32,558 --> 00:11:38,364
COME ON WHO WOULDN'T
WANT TO GO TO THE MALL
ON CHRISTMAS EVE?
242
00:11:38,464 --> 00:11:41,067
[THUNDER CLAP]
243
00:11:41,167 --> 00:11:44,437
IN THE RAIN?
244
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:45,604
COULD IT GET ANY BETTER?
245
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:46,772
I'LL GO WITH YOU.
246
00:11:46,872 --> 00:11:48,574
I GUESS IT CAN.
247
00:11:52,511 --> 00:11:53,713
[COUGHS]
248
00:11:53,813 --> 00:11:54,780
YOU OK, SIR?
249
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:56,649
NEVER BETTER! HELLO.
250
00:11:56,749 --> 00:11:58,017
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YA.
251
00:11:58,117 --> 00:12:00,786
I NEED TO RETURN
THIS COFFEE MAKER.
252
00:12:00,886 --> 00:12:02,755
N'KAY. DO YOU HAVE A RECEIPT?
253
00:12:02,855 --> 00:12:05,891
RECEIPT? I BELIEVE I DO.
254
00:12:08,761 --> 00:12:10,162
OW! PAPER CUT. OK.
255
00:12:10,262 --> 00:12:12,631
IT'S BLEEDING.
256
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:13,999
I DON'T HAVE A RECEIPT.
257
00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:16,435
N'KAY. I CAN'T RETURN IT
WITHOUT THE RECEIPT.
258
00:12:16,535 --> 00:12:22,675
UH-HUH. OK. WELL,
I, LISTEN, I KNOW THAT
YOU HAVE YOUR RULES.
259
00:12:22,775 --> 00:12:25,945
I UNDERSTAND THAT,
AND YOU'RE FOLLOWING THEM
BEAUTIFULLY.
260
00:12:26,045 --> 00:12:28,247
[PHONE RINGS]
ONE SECOND.
261
00:12:28,347 --> 00:12:30,249
HOUSEWARES. HEY, WHAT'S UP?
262
00:12:30,349 --> 00:12:32,051
I'M WORKING, DOOF.
263
00:12:32,151 --> 00:12:35,955
WELL, YOU CALLED ME AT WORK.
SO IT SHOULDN'T BE THAT HARD
TO FIGURE OUT.
264
00:12:36,055 --> 00:12:40,526
HA HA. YOU SHUT UP.
265
00:12:40,626 --> 00:12:42,194
HOLD ON, LET ME CHECK.
266
00:12:43,996 --> 00:12:47,466
OK. THAT'S COOL.
WE'LL TALK LATER.
267
00:12:47,566 --> 00:12:49,201
WOW, SIR, I'M IMPRESSED.
268
00:12:49,301 --> 00:12:53,172
THE OLD SIR WOULD HAVE
REALLY LOST IT
WITH THAT SALES GIRL
269
00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:56,275
FOR TAKING
A PERSONAL CALL
AND EVERYTHING.
270
00:12:56,876 --> 00:12:58,010
WELL DONE.
271
00:12:58,110 --> 00:13:01,313
IT'S NICE TO SEE
WHEN YOUNG PEOPLE HAVE FRIENDS.
272
00:13:01,413 --> 00:13:02,782
WOW.
273
00:13:02,882 --> 00:13:08,053
WELL, I'M GLAD THIS YOUNG
PERSON HAS A PONCHO.
274
00:13:09,555 --> 00:13:13,025
SORRY. I GOT A LITTLE BIT
OF A COLD.
275
00:13:13,125 --> 00:13:16,495
I THINK I KNOW WHAT'S GOING
ON HERE.
276
00:13:16,595 --> 00:13:18,297
AND IT'S NOT A COLD.
277
00:13:18,397 --> 00:13:19,498
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
278
00:13:19,598 --> 00:13:21,033
ALL RIGHT, WELL...
279
00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:22,835
YOU'VE GIVEN YOURSELF
A PERSONALITY TRANSPLANT
280
00:13:22,935 --> 00:13:28,641
AND YOUR BODY IS
REJECTING IT. YOU KNOW?
281
00:13:28,741 --> 00:13:30,509
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
282
00:13:30,609 --> 00:13:32,578
I LOVE BEING POSITIVE.
283
00:13:32,678 --> 00:13:34,246
I'VE NEVER BEEN THIS HAPPY
IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!
284
00:13:34,346 --> 00:13:37,817
WELL, YEAH, BUT THE STRESS
OF HOLDING IT IN, YOU SEE,
285
00:13:37,917 --> 00:13:40,753
IT'S KILLING YOU.
IT'S MAKING YOU SICK, SIR.
286
00:13:40,853 --> 00:13:45,724
YOU CAN'T FORCE A HAPPY PEG
INTO A SAD HOLE.
287
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:47,960
YOU NEED TO STOP IT.
288
00:13:48,060 --> 00:13:51,430
I CAN'T STOP IT!
JOY IS--IS GREAT AT THIS.
289
00:13:51,530 --> 00:13:54,533
SHE IS CRUSHING ME
WITH HER LOVE OF LIFE.
290
00:13:54,633 --> 00:13:56,135
IF SHE CAN DO IT,
I CAN DO IT.
291
00:13:56,235 --> 00:14:00,206
SHE'S NOT A BETTER PERSON
THAN ME. COME ON,
YOU'VE MET HER!
292
00:14:00,306 --> 00:14:05,110
YOU GOT, LIKE, A LOT OF
CRAZY STUFF COMING
OUT OF YOUR NOSE RIGHT NOW.
293
00:14:05,211 --> 00:14:06,145
OH.
294
00:14:06,245 --> 00:14:07,246
YEAH.
295
00:14:07,346 --> 00:14:09,582
OK. WHO WAS I TALKING TO?
296
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:13,118
YOU WERE TALKING TO ME.
DARLING, YOU WERE
TALKING TO ME.
297
00:14:13,219 --> 00:14:15,321
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING
TO DO?
298
00:14:15,421 --> 00:14:19,391
I'M JUST GOING TO COME BACK
AFTER CHRISTMAS WITH MY
RECEIPT AND RETURN IT OK?
299
00:14:19,491 --> 00:14:22,661
N'KAY. JUST SO YOU KNOW,
IF YOU RETURN IT
AFTER CHRISTMAS,
300
00:14:22,761 --> 00:14:25,431
YOU ONLY GET BACK
THE SALE PRICE.
301
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:31,036
EW. WHAT IS UP WITH YOUR EYE?
302
00:14:33,672 --> 00:14:35,040
I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING.
303
00:14:35,140 --> 00:14:38,844
HMM. WELL, YOU KNOW
WHAT'S ALWAYS GOOD? CASH.
304
00:14:38,944 --> 00:14:39,912
HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT?
305
00:14:40,012 --> 00:14:42,081
UM, I DON'T KNOW, $10?
306
00:14:42,181 --> 00:14:45,384
$10? PLEASE. YOU'RE TALKING
TO SANTA CLAUS HERE.
307
00:14:45,484 --> 00:14:46,552
MAKE IT A 1,000!
308
00:14:46,652 --> 00:14:48,187
THANK YOU, SANTA!
309
00:14:48,287 --> 00:14:51,523
YOU ARE SUPER WELCOME.
SMILE FOR FRANKIE!
310
00:14:53,492 --> 00:14:55,160
YOU'RE RICH!
311
00:14:55,261 --> 00:14:58,931
SANTA, COME HERE.
312
00:14:59,031 --> 00:15:02,067
LISTEN, WE GOT COMPLAINTS
FROM SOME OF THE PARENTS.
313
00:15:02,167 --> 00:15:03,936
YOU GOTTA BACK IT DOWN
A LITTLE WITH THE KIDS.
314
00:15:04,036 --> 00:15:07,006
PEOPLE CAN'T AFFORD TO BUY
EXPENSIVE GIFTS.
315
00:15:07,106 --> 00:15:08,540
THESE ARE TOUGH TIMES.
316
00:15:08,641 --> 00:15:10,175
NOT FOR SANTA.
317
00:15:10,276 --> 00:15:13,279
LOOK. I GET OFF AT 5:00.
318
00:15:13,379 --> 00:15:20,419
I DON'T HAVE TIME
TO EXPLAIN TO YOU
HOW CHRISTMAS REALLY WORKS.
319
00:15:27,293 --> 00:15:28,193
HEY, PUMPKIN.
320
00:15:28,294 --> 00:15:30,062
OH MY GOD!
321
00:15:30,696 --> 00:15:32,464
IS EVERYTHING OK?
322
00:15:32,564 --> 00:15:38,904
WELL, YOUR FATHER IS JUST
A LITTLE MESSED UP IN
HIS BODY AREA--
323
00:15:39,004 --> 00:15:41,573
EVERYTHING IS SUPER!
324
00:15:41,674 --> 00:15:43,008
WHY WERE YOU LIMPING?
325
00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:45,344
I GOT MY FOOT CAUGHT
IN AN ESCALATOR, BABY.
326
00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:49,915
IT WAS SCARY FOR A WHILE.
A COUPLE OF KIDS
STARTED CRYING.
327
00:15:50,015 --> 00:15:53,085
BUT WANNA KNOW THE UPSIDE?
328
00:15:53,185 --> 00:15:57,423
GUESS WHO'S GETTING
NEW SHOE LACES?
329
00:15:59,358 --> 00:16:00,726
WHERE'S MOM?
330
00:16:00,826 --> 00:16:01,994
I HAVEN'T SEEN HER
FOR A WHILE.
331
00:16:02,094 --> 00:16:03,929
I THINK SHE MIGHT HAVE GONE OUT.
332
00:16:04,029 --> 00:16:08,033
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET'S--LET'S GIVE HER A CALL
AND HAVE HER COME HOME.
333
00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:11,003
AND WE CAN GET THIS FESTIVE
MEAL STARTED. YEAH!
334
00:16:11,103 --> 00:16:16,308
'CAUSE IT'S ALL GOOD.
IT'S ALL GOOD!
335
00:16:16,408 --> 00:16:19,645
Joy:...AND THAT HOLIDAY MUSIC
EVERYWHERE YOU GO.
336
00:16:19,745 --> 00:16:22,648
IF I HEAR ONE MORE
ANNOYING CHRISTMAS SONG,
337
00:16:22,748 --> 00:16:29,321
I'M GOING TO RUM PAH PUM PUMP
MY FIST INTO SOMEONE'S FACE!
338
00:16:29,421 --> 00:16:32,825
AND THE FREAKIN' MAILMAN
WITH THAT MISTLETOE...
339
00:16:32,925 --> 00:16:34,793
HANGING OFF OF HIS HAT.
340
00:16:34,893 --> 00:16:38,464
YUCK! THE THINGS I HAVE TO
DO TO GET MY US WEEKLY .
341
00:16:38,564 --> 00:16:40,199
DISGUSTING.
342
00:16:40,299 --> 00:16:43,135
SO WE HAVE THESE NEIGHBORS
ACROSS THE STREET.
343
00:16:43,235 --> 00:16:45,204
AND THEY HAVE
THIS NATIVITY SCENE.
344
00:16:45,304 --> 00:16:50,109
AND MARY AND JOSEPH
ARE LEANING OVER BABY ELMO.
345
00:16:50,209 --> 00:16:55,347
OK. IT IS NOT ONLY OFFENSIVE.
IT'S JUST CONFUSING.
346
00:16:55,447 --> 00:17:01,553
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY'RE
TRYING TO SAY WITH THE ELMO--
347
00:17:03,389 --> 00:17:05,257
I GOTTA GO.
348
00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:07,326
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
349
00:17:07,426 --> 00:17:08,827
NOTHING.
350
00:17:08,927 --> 00:17:12,197
YOU HAVE BEEN COMPLAINING!
351
00:17:12,297 --> 00:17:13,232
ALL RIGHT, YES.
352
00:17:13,332 --> 00:17:16,268
OK. I HAVE BEEN COMPLAINING!
353
00:17:16,368 --> 00:17:18,604
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN
COMPLAINING?
354
00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:20,606
I DUNNO, LIKE, 2 DAYS.
355
00:17:20,706 --> 00:17:23,175
WE'VE ONLY BEEN NOT
COMPLAINING FOR 2 DAYS!
356
00:17:23,275 --> 00:17:24,543
I KNOW! I KNOW!
357
00:17:24,643 --> 00:17:27,746
LISTEN, I GAVE IT A SOLID HOUR.
IT'S NOT MY THING. OK?
358
00:17:27,846 --> 00:17:34,420
I HAVE BEEN MAKING MYSELF
SICK TRYING TO KEEP UP
WITH YOUR DELIGHTFULNESS.
359
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:38,057
AND LOOK AT YOU.
YOU'RE THE PICTURE
OF HEALTH! YOU KNOW WHY?
360
00:17:38,157 --> 00:17:44,530
BECAUSE YOUR BLOOD IS
COURSING WITH
LIFE-FULFILLING VENOM!
361
00:17:46,098 --> 00:17:47,166
SO, BIG WHOOP.
362
00:17:47,266 --> 00:17:49,668
OK. NOW YOU KNOW THE TRUTH.
COMPLAIN AWAY.
363
00:17:49,768 --> 00:17:51,336
NO! NO. BECAUSE I'M GOOD.
364
00:17:51,437 --> 00:17:54,173
AND IT'S GOOD TO BE GOOD!
365
00:17:54,273 --> 00:17:56,575
YEAH, IT REALLY LOOKS LIKE IT'S
WORKING OUT FOR YOU.
366
00:17:56,675 --> 00:18:01,213
IT'S WORKING
WONDERFULLY FOR ME.
367
00:18:01,313 --> 00:18:03,782
EDDIE, WOULD YOU TAKE
A LOOK AT YOURSELF!
368
00:18:03,882 --> 00:18:05,350
YOU'RE A MESS!
369
00:18:05,451 --> 00:18:10,255
GOD ALWAYS TESTS
HIS PROPHETS!
370
00:18:17,429 --> 00:18:19,698
OK, LISTEN UP, EVERYBODY!
LISTEN UP.
371
00:18:19,798 --> 00:18:24,002
I KNOW THAT YOU ALL WANT TO PUT
ME INTO A NEAT LITTLE BOX.
372
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,671
"OH, THERE'S THE GRUMPY GUY!"
373
00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:28,774
"THERE'S THE ONE THAT EVERYONE
LOVES TO HATE!"
374
00:18:28,874 --> 00:18:30,809
DADDY, YOU'RE SCARING ME.
375
00:18:30,909 --> 00:18:33,145
NO REASON TO BE SCARED,
DARLING. NO REASON TO BE
SCARED. I'LL TELL YOU WHY.
376
00:18:33,245 --> 00:18:39,418
BECAUSE I AM A SWEET MAN
WITHOUT A COMPLAINT
IN THE WORLD!
377
00:18:39,518 --> 00:18:41,553
OK.
378
00:18:41,653 --> 00:18:49,495
NOW LET'S ALL JUST SIT DOWN
TO THIS MEAL AND THANK THE
GOOD LORD FOR OUR BLESSINGS!
379
00:19:04,109 --> 00:19:05,210
WHAT IS THAT?
380
00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:07,146
OH, HAVEN'T YOU HEARD?
381
00:19:07,246 --> 00:19:12,017
DOUG HAD AN IDEA
FOR ANOTHER HOLIDAY TRADITION.
382
00:19:12,117 --> 00:19:16,355
A CORNUCOPIA
OF NUTS AND BERRIES!
383
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:32,371
I DON'T LIKE NUTS
OR BERRIES.
384
00:19:32,471 --> 00:19:34,640
WAIT. WHAT WAS THAT, SIR?
385
00:19:34,740 --> 00:19:40,179
I DON'T LIKE NUTS
OR BERRIES.
386
00:19:40,279 --> 00:19:44,550
SAY IT, BABY. JUST SAY IT!
387
00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:53,825
I'M NOT A SQUIRREL!
388
00:19:53,926 --> 00:19:58,130
I DON'T LIKE NUTS
OR BERRIES!
389
00:20:03,635 --> 00:20:05,804
I DON'T WANT TO GO VISIT
YOUR MOM NEXT MONTH.
390
00:20:05,904 --> 00:20:07,706
HER APARTMENT
SMELLS LIKE BUG SPRAY.
391
00:20:07,806 --> 00:20:11,310
AND I DON'T WANT TO DEAL
WITH THAT CRAP
AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE.
392
00:20:15,614 --> 00:20:19,184
I HATE YOUR NOSE.
393
00:20:19,284 --> 00:20:21,053
I LIE IN BED AT NIGHT.
394
00:20:21,153 --> 00:20:25,757
AND I DREAD THAT
MY GRANDCHILDREN ARE GONNA
BE BORN WITH ONE OF THOSE.
395
00:20:33,732 --> 00:20:37,569
THAT DRESS MAKES YOU LOOK
LIKE A SLUT.
396
00:20:46,378 --> 00:20:49,514
GOD BLESS US EVERY ONE.
397
00:20:56,054 --> 00:20:58,190
WHAT'S YOUR NAME,
LITTLE BOY?
398
00:20:58,290 --> 00:20:59,958
JEREMY. I WANT A PUPPY.
399
00:21:00,058 --> 00:21:02,561
{\an8}OH, YOU WANT A PUPPY, HUH?
400
00:21:05,497 --> 00:21:07,966
{\an8}WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT'S EVEN
BETTER THAN A PUPPY?
401
00:21:08,066 --> 00:21:09,468
{\an8}A BALLED-UP PAIR OF SOCKS.
402
00:21:09,568 --> 00:21:12,771
{\an8}THEY'RE SOFT.
THEY LOVE YOU
UNCONDITIONALLY.
403
00:21:12,871 --> 00:21:16,141
{\an8}AND THEY WON'T GIVE
YOUR BROTHER RABIES.
404
00:21:17,109 --> 00:21:20,612
{\an8}SMILE FOR FRANKIE.
405
00:21:20,712 --> 00:21:22,414
{\an8}BUT I REALLY WANT A PUPPY.
406
00:21:22,514 --> 00:21:24,816
{\an8}AND I REALLY WANT
A BEARD THAT DOESN'T
SMELL LIKE BOURBON.
407
00:21:24,916 --> 00:21:26,618
{\an8}BUT THAT'S NOT GONNA
HAPPEN EITHER.
31996
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