Original subtitles

JOY...HONEY.

NOT TONIGHT, EDDIE.

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE ZEPPELINS.

I'M NOT TAKING THEM OUT, EDDIE.

I'M TALKING ABOUT BLIMPS, DIRIGIBLES.

I'M NOT TAKING THEM OUT, EDDIE. THEY HURT.

I'M GOING TO WRITE A BOOK.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

YEP.

AND I ALREADY HAVE THE TOPIC.

LET ME GUESS. BLIMPS?

YES. YES. THE DEFINITIVE HISTORY OF THE HINDENBURG.

ARE YOU OR ARE YOU NOT TRYING TO GET THESE PUPPIES OUT OF THE HANGAR?

WELL, MAYBE I WAS AT FIRST,

BUT NOW I AM TALKING ABOUT ACTUALLY WRITING A BOOK.

I CAN TELL YOU THE STORY OF THE HINDENBURG.

THEY BUILT IT, IT BLEW UP, THE END.

LISTEN, THERE'S A LOT MORE TO IT THAN THAT, JOY, OK?

I THINK THE STORY OF THE HINDENBURG,

TOLD IN MY UNIQUE STYLE,

WILL SHINE A LIGHT ON THE PAST AND FUTURE

OF BLIMPING.

WHO YOU GONNA GET TO PUBLISH

THIS STEAMY, SEXY PAGE-TURNER?

WELL, IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT THERE IS A PUBLISHING HOUSE

RIGHT HERE IN PHILADELPHIA THAT DOES HISTORICAL BOOKS.

AND I HAPPEN TO HAVE AN IN THERE,

BECAUSE MY UNCLE CIRCUMCISED ONE OF THEIR EDITORS.

YOUR UNCLE WAS A MOHEL?

NO. HE WAS JUST A VERY CLUMSY TAILOR.

ANYWAY, I ALREADY HAVE THE TITLE.

A GOOD BLIMP IS HARD TO FIND.

NO.

OH, THE INSANITY.

NO.

BLIMP BIZKIT?

ARE YOU DONE?

DED ZEPPELIN?

AIRSHIP OF FOOLS?

[LAUGHING]

THE NOTORIOUS B-L-I-M-P?

NO.

IT'S GOING TO BE CALLED

THE HINDENBURG: THE END OF AN ERROR.

GET IT?

NO, I DO NOT.

OH, ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT? WE'RE DONE.

TAKE 'EM OUT.

IN SHORT, THE STORY OF THE HINDENBURG,

IT HAS EVERYTHING.

UH, LIFE, DEATH,

BIG THINGS BLOWING UP,

UH, NAZIS, HUMOR...

WELL--WELL, NOT NAZI HUMOR,

BECAUSE, I MEAN, AFTER ALL, HOW FUNNY WERE THEY?

EXCEPT FOR COLONEL KLINK. HE WAS PRETTY...

HOGAN!

HE WAS--HEH HEH. BUT...

I LOVE IT. I LOVE IT.

BUT I'M A JEW, SO, YOU KNOW,

NAZIS USUALLY MAKE ME NERVOUS, OK?

BUT WHEN THEY BLOW UP--

[SNAPS FINGERS] I'M IN.

ALL RIGHT. SO YOU REALLY LOVE IT, HUH?

YEAH, COME ON, ZEPPELINS?

ZEPPELINS!

NOBODY'S TOUCHED ZEPPELINS FOR YEARS.

I--I--I KNOW.

IT'S THE GREAT UNTOLD STORY OF THE 20th CENTURY.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I FIRST SAW THE PROPOSAL YOU HAD FOR THE ZEPPELIN BOOK,

I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE ABOUT A HEAVY METAL BAND.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

ALL RIGHT, YEAH, I USED TO LISTEN TO THE ZEP A LITTLE BIT.

I THINK.

[LAUGHING]

YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T EVEN LIKE WHEN I SAW THEM IN CONCERT IN PERSON.

WITH ALL OF THE UNDERWEAR THAT THE WOMEN THREW ON STAGE

TO ROBERT PLANT,

YOU'D THINK JUST ONCE, YOU KNOW,

HE WOULD PUT ON A PAIR. YOU KNOW?

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET BACK TO THE BOOK.

I KNOW IT'S A SAD ENDING, OK?

BUT I HAPPEN TO THINK THAT, UH, ZEPPELINS HAVE TO BE...

FUN!

OH, BUT...THEY ARE.

THEY'RE FUN.

THEY'RE JUST BIG, DOPEY SKY BALLOONS.

LOOK, THINK OF ME IF I COULD FLY

AND I HAD A MOTOR IN MY ASS.

[LAUGHING]

NOW, THAT'S--THAT'S FUNNY.

BUT THAT'S NOT GONNA BE IN THE BOOK, THOUGH, RIGHT?

NO. I MEAN, EDDIE, LOOK,

YOU DON'T WANT TO JOKE YOUR WAY

OUT OF A PUBLISHER, DO YOU?

I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT PAULY SHORE DID.

WELL, YOU'RE THE PUBLISHER.

YEAH. YEAH.

SO YOU REALLY WANT TO DO THIS, HUH?

YEAH. COME ON, YOU KNOW,

OUR HISTORY DIVISION IS LIKE WORLD-RENOWNED, MAN.

SO HOW DOES THIS WHOLE "I'M A REAL WRITER" THING WORK?

WELL, YOU SIGN OUR STANDARD CONTRACT

AND WE GIVE YOU A SMALL ADVANCE TO START WRITING.

SO YOU REALLY, REALLY WANT TO DO THIS?

YES! YES!

HOW MANY TIMES--

YOU WERE MADE FOR THIS COMPANY,

I AM TELLING YOU.

YOU'RE IN. YOU'RE IN. CONGRATULATIONS, EDDIE.

YOU ARE NOW OFFICIALLY AN AUTHOR, OK, BUDDY?

THANK YOU, MILES.

OH, THANK YOU, BUDDY.

UH--UH--BY THE WAY,

HOW DID A GUY LIKE YOU

GET A NAME LIKE MILES TURNERCLIFF?

WELL, MY PARENTS, THEY COULDN'T AFFORD A NOSE JOB,

AND THIS WAS MY BEST SHOT.

[LAUGHING]

DOUG?!

DOUG?

DON'T BE MAD 'CAUSE YOU CAUGHT ME

IN THE GARDEN WITH A...

HOE.

I NEED AN EXPLANATION.

I FOUND THESE IN THE FAUXFU.

WHATEVER THAT IS.

IT'S LIKE TOFU,

BUT IT'S FLAVORED WITH A VARIETY OF RINDS--

NO, DOUG. THESE ARE CHECKS.

THESE ARE CHECKS FROM YOUR FATHER

FOR THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS.

YEAH, I KNOW.

WELL, THEY WHY HAVEN'T WE CASHED THEM?

CHECKS TURN INTO MONEY, DOUG,

AND MONEY TURNS INTO COMFORT,

AND I'M VERY UNCOMFORTABLE RIGHT NOW.

I NEED MASCARA AND PRETZELS AND THINGS.

ALLY, MY FATHER'S MONEY COMES FROM OIL.

AND HE'S A LEECH. HE'S AN OIL-SUCKING LEECH

LEACHING THE VITAL BODILY FLUIDS

OUT OF OUR PRECIOUS GLOBE.

THAT'S WHY I'VE DEDICATED MY LIFE AND TIME

TO EVERYONE ELSE.

TO THE SERVICE OF OTHERS.

I'VE VOLUNTEERED FOR EVERYTHING, ALLY.

I'VE EVEN VOLUNTEERED TO BE A VOLUNTEER

FOR THE VOLUNTEER PROGRAM.

WELL, THAT'S GREAT. SOMETHING GOOD

HAS COME OUT OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FATHER.

YOU'VE HELPED PEOPLE.

YEAH, BECAUSE I NEVER GOT ANY HELP.

I WAS REJECTED AND NEGLECTED.

IT'S A MIRACLE I'M NOT A STANDUP COMEDIAN.

DOUG, I HAVE HEARD ANYTHING BAD ABOUT YOUR FATHER

FROM ANYBODY BUT YOU.

OH, I TELL YOU WHAT. YOU DOUBT ME?

I'M GONNA SET UP AN APPOINTMENT WITH HIM

SO YOU CAN MEET HIM AND JUDGE FOR YOURSELF.

GOOD. YEAH. YEAH.

AND I PROMISE THAT YOU'RE GONNA WISH

YOU HAD A TIME MACHINE SO YOU'D GO BACK TO A TIME

WHERE YOU NEVER EVEN MET HIM.

DOUG, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU?

IF PEOPLE COULD TRAVEL THROUGH TIME,

THEY WOULD ALREADY BE HERE,

BECAUSE THEY WOULD HAVE INVENTED TIME TRAVEL IN THE FUTURE,

BUT BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT HERE FROM THE FUTURE,

YOU CAN'T TRAVEL THROUGH TIME

AND YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BE ABLE TO TRAVEL THROUGH TIME

BECAUSE OF THE TEMPORAL PARADOX.

AH, MY DOVE, BUT WHAT IF TIME

WAS NOT A LOOP BUT IT WAS LINEAR

AND WE'RE STANDING ON THE FORWARD EDGE OF SPACE AND--

CALL YOUR DAMN FATHER!

OK, FINE.

IF I HAVE TIME.

[UNDER HIS BREATH] STICK THAT IN YOUR TEMPORAL PARADOX

AND SMOKE IT.

I HEARD THAT!

I LOVE YOU.

WHAT YOU GOT COOKIN' ON THERE, BLENDERELLA?

[LAUGHS]

A HEALTHY JUICE DRINK.

AND NOW FOR MAMA'S SPECIAL VITAMINS.

AHH.

VITAMIN V.

WELL, I THINK I HAVE SOME NEWS

THAT YOU WILL FIND EQUALLY INTOXICATING.

I DOUBT THAT, BUT GO AHEAD.

JOY JOY, YOU ARE LOOKING

AT A SOON-TO-BE PUBLISHED AUTHOR.

NO WAY.

YES WAY, BABY.

I SOLD MY BLIMP BOOK!

SERIOUSLY?

YES!

HEY, THAT'S GREAT NEWS!

OUR AIRSHIP HAS LANDED, BABY!

IT'S LANDED!

AND--AND GUESS WHAT THEY'RE PAYING ME.

GUESS WHAT THEY'RE PAYING ME.

ONE MILLION DOLLARS! WHOO-HOO!

WHITE TRASH MONEY DANCE.

WAIT, NO--HONEY, HOLD ON.

OK, HOLD ON.

IT'S--IT'S MY DEBUT TOME.

WE'RE NOT IN HARRY POTTER LAND YET.

BE REALISTIC.

HALF A MILLION DOLLARS! WHOO-HOO!

WHITE TRASH MONEY DANCE

AND BREAK IT DOWN.

NO, LISTEN. IT'S A--IT'S A BOOK ABOUT BLIMPS.

COME DOWN A LITTLE BIT, NOW.

OK. I DON'T KNOW.

10 GRAND?

ALMOST.

5?

YES. 3,000 DOLLARS!

WHITE TRASH MONEY DANCE! WHOO!

OH, YEAH, WE ARE GOING TO SIZZLER.

YES, BABY.

[BOTH LAUGHING AND SCREAMING]

I WISH WE HAD DONE THIS SOONER.

IT'S SO NICE HAVING LUNCH WITH THE TWO OF YOU.

I BET YOUR LOBSTER DIDN'T FEEL SO HOT, DAD,

WHEN IT WAS BEING BOILED ALIVE

AND SHUCKED LIKE AN EAR OF CORN.

IF LOBSTERS AREN'T MEANT TO BE FOOD,

WHY DO THEY TASTE SO GOOD?

[GIGGLES]

BESIDES, MY LOBSTER MIGHT HAVE BEEN A SHRIMP-BEATER.

AND WHO DOESN'T LOVE BATTERED SHRIMP?

AHA! [ALLY LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

OK, WELL, THIS HAS BEEN A LOT OF FUN,

BUT WE GOTTA GET BACK AND MULCH THE TOMATOES.

OH, IS THAT WHAT THE KIDS ARE CALLING IT THESE DAYS?

[LAUGHING] OH, COME ON, SIT DOWN, DOUG.

I'M ENJOYING MYSELF.

NO, YOU TWO CHAT.

I'M GONNA GO WASH THE STINK OF DEAD CRUSTACEAN

OFF MY SOUL.

OOH. HEH.

HE MEANS WELL.

YEAH. I KNOW HE DOES.

THE TRUTH IS, ALLY,

I HAVE NOT BEEN THE GREATEST FATHER

IN ALL OF THE WORLD,

SO I TRY TO BUY EVERYBODY'S AFFECTION WITH CASH.

IT'S BEEN REMARKABLY SUCCESSFUL.

EXCEPT FOR DOUG.

SOMEHOW HE ENDED UP WITH PRINCIPLES.

I'D HOPED IT WAS JUST A PHASE,

BUT APPARENTLY HE BELIEVES THIS STUFF.

HE DOES.

LOOK...

I WANT YOU TO TAKE THIS. DOUG WON'T CASH MY CHECKS,

AND I KNOW YOU GUYS COULD USE A LITTLE HELP.

I DON'T KNOW, GEORGE. THAT MIGHT VIOLATE

THE RIGOROUS TRUST AND HONESTY THAT DOUG AND I HAVE--

IT'S $10,000 CASH.

I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY, ALLY.

I DO. THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

DOUG'S FATHER GAVE ME $10,000.

ALISON MAYWEATHER STARK, WHAT DID YOU DO?

EEW. NO. NOTHING.

IT WAS GIFT, AND IT WAS IN CASH.

WOW. YOU DON'T SEE CASH MUCH ANYMORE.

I KNOW.

I SLIPPED IT IN MY UNDERWEAR

AND IT MADE ME FEEL SO DIRTY.

I LIKE THAT.

AND THEN WHEN I GOT HOME,

I PUT IT ON THE BED AND ROLLED AROUND IN IT.

MMM. YOU ARE MY DAUGHTER.

HEY, YOU EVER SIT IN PUDDING?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

MAYBE YOU'RE NOT MY DAUGHTER.

BUT HERE'S ONE.

YOU EVER--YOU EVER POUR YOURSELF A HIGHBALL

AND SIT ON THE WASHING MACHINE?

SPIN CYCLE?

PAIR OF SNEAKERS IN THERE.

EEW.

SORRY. I THOUGHT WE WERE SHARING.

GO ON.

WELL, HERE'S THE PROBLEM.

DOUG WON'T TAKE MONEY FROM HIS FATHER.

DON'T TELL HIM YOU HAVE IT.

WELL, HE'S MY HUSBAND. DON'T I HAVE TO TELL HIM EVERYTHING?

[LAUGHING]

YEAH, RIGHT.

YOUR FATHER DOESN'T KNOW MY REAL WEIGHT,

MY REAL HAIR COLOR,

MY REAL... HAIR COLOR.

MY REAL AGE,

WHO YOUR REAL FATHER IS.

MOM...

IT'S A JOKE, ALLY.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE SOME OF THAT MONEY

AND BUY YOURSELF A SENSE OF HUMOR?

SO WHAT DO I DO, REALLY?

[SIGHS] TELL HIM THE TRUTH.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

BUT SPEND IT FIRST.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

HELLO, BABY.

HI.

HI.

MMM. MMM.

WHAT SMELLS SO WEIRD?

DO YOU LIKE IT?

IT'S CALLED CLEAN.

I WENT TO THE SPA. I SPENT THE ENTIRE DAY

BEING SCRUBBED BY TINY ASIAN WOMEN.

AT THIS MOMENT, I'M CLEANER THAN YOUR COLON.

OH, THAT'S--THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

I PASSED A PINECONE LAST WEEK.

I ALSO WENT TO THE SUPERMARKET.

TA-DA!

REAL FOOD. ISN'T IT GREAT?

DID MY FATHER GIVE YOU MONEY?

OK, YES, A LITTLE.

CAN I MAKE A SANDWICH AND FEED IT TO YOU NAKED?

HE'S THE TEMPTER, ALLY. HE TEMPTS.

JUST LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO DO RIGHT NOW.

I'M TRYING TO MAKE OUR LIVES BETTER.

ALLY, I TOOK MY FATHER'S FILTHY BRIBES FOR YEARS.

I DRANK FROM HIS POISONED CUP.

UNTIL ONE DAY I WOKE UP BEHIND THE WHEEL OF MY FERRARI,

PARKED ON THE QUAY OF ST. JEAN CAP FERRAT

WITH EMMA THOMPSON SLEEPING IN MY LAP.

AND I THOUGHT, DOOGER, IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS.

AND I WAS RIGHT. IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THAT,

BUT IT WASN'T ENOUGH.

AND I REALIZED IT WOULD NEVER BE ENOUGH.

SO I QUIT. I STOPPED.

STOPPED ALL THE DRINKING AND THE PARTYING

AND THE FAST CARS AND ALL THE DRUGS.

EXCEPT THE NATURALLY OCCURRING ONES--THOSE ARE DIFFERENT.

HEY, I HOPPED ON THE G-5 AND I FLEW HOME

AND I TOLD MY DAD THAT I NEVER WANT ANOTHER PENNY

OF HIS FILTHY LUCRE.

YOU HAD A FERRARI?

I DID. I'M NOT PROUD OF IT.

YOU CALLED YOURSELF DOOGER?

ALSO NOT PROUD.

YOU DATED EMMA THOMPSON?

I'M KIND OF PROUD OF THAT.

ISN'T SHE A LITTLE OLD FOR YOU?

WELL, WE CALLED OURSELVES THE DOOGER AND THE COUGAR.

ALLY, THE POINT IS,

MONEY IS AN ADDICTION.

AND THE ONLY WAY OUT IS COLD TURKEY.

BUT FOR THE FIRST TIME WE HAVE COLD TURKEY.

SO HOW ABOUT THAT SANDWICH?

I WANT YOU TO GIVE BACK THE MONEY.

ALL OF IT?

ALL OF IT.

THE ENTIRE...

$500?

ABSOLUTELY.

MINUS WHATEVER YOU'VE ALREADY SPENT.

OK.

OK.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'LL GET IT.

GOOD EVENING.

ARE YOU THE MAN OF THE HOUSE?

WHY? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

[LAUGHS]

NO, NO. I'M DOUG'S FATHER. GEORGE.

DOUG'S BIOLOGICAL FATHER?

RIGHT.

OH. YOU SURE ARE PRETTY.

FOR--FOR A MAN.

YES, I KNOW.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN ME IN THE EIGHTIES.

WHOO! I WAS GORGEOUS.

SO, IS DOUG HERE? HE CALLED ME.

OH, YES, YES. PLEASE, COME IN.

HEY, JOY, COME ON DOWN HERE.

TAKE A LOOK AT PIGPEN'S DAD.

PLEASE, UH, NO OFFENSE.

IT'S JUST I, UH,

WELL, I IMAGINED YOU A LITTLE DIFFERENTLY.

AH, WELL, HE TAKES AFTER HIS MOTHER,

AS I REMEMBER HER.

THAT WAS A LOT OF WIVES AGO.

HER NAME WAS LOTUS.

WE MET AT A BILLIE JEAN KING INVITATIONAL.

I HAD A SHORT LESBIAN PHASE.

SHE WAS A SHORT LESBIAN.

SHE WAS 5'2", DROVE AN ICE CREAM TRUCK.

SHALL I GO ON? I FEEL LIKE LEE HARVEY OSWALD.

I'M ACTING ALONE.

HELL, NO. NO.

IT'S JUST I-- I FIND IT FASCINATING.

WE HAD A BRIEF AFFAIR, RESULTING IN DOUG,

WHOM I LOVE, AND I'D SAY THAT

EVEN IF IT WASN'T MANDATED BY A COURT ORDER.

OH, HERE'S MY CURRENT WIFE JOY.

NOT A LESBIAN.

STILL CORRECT?

YEAH. CORRECT.

WELL, WE'RE WORKING ON IT.

ANYWAY, THIS, BELIEVE IT OR NOT,

IS DOUG'S FATHER GEORGE.

OH, WELL, HE SURE IS PRETTY.

I KNOW! ISN'T HE?

WELL, ENCHANTE.

PEPE LE PEW.

WHY DO YOU HAVE 2 LIMOS?

WELL, IN CASE ONE BREAKS DOWN, YOU NEED A BACKUP.

I HAD THE SAME PHILOSOPHY ABOUT SPOUSES.

GEORGE, I KNOW THIS MAY BE AN INDELICATE QUESTION,

BUT HOW IN GOD'S NAME--

NOT A WRITER? OIL.

DAMN! NO.

WHAT'S WITH THE MOTORCADE?

IS YOUR HELICOPTER IN THE SHOP?

WELL, I WOULD HAVE BROUGHT THE HELICOPTER,

BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO EMBARRASS YOU.

MOM, DAD, WOULD YOU EXCUSE US?

THE 3 OF US HAVE TO TALK OUT AT OUR PLACE.

SURE, HONEY.

WELL...

GEORGE, STOP BY ANYTIME.

WILL DO.

AND LISTEN, REST ASSURED

YOUR HELICOPTER WON'T EMBARRASS US,

BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN ARRESTED FOR PUBLIC URINATION.

AS A COUPLE.

OH, COZY.

I'VE GOT ONE OF THESE AT MY RANCH IN MONTEREY.

THE FRUIT PICKERS USE IT AS AN OUTHOUSE AND CHAPEL.

[GROANS]

SO, I ASSUME THAT YOU CALLED ME HERE

BECAUSE OF THE MONEY THAT I GAVE TO ALLY.

YES, I DID. AND I DON'T LIKE IT.

DOUG, YOU'RE YOUNG.

SOMEDAY YOU'LL APPRECIATE MONEY FOR WHAT IT IS.

THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL?

YES.

UH, GEORGE, DOUG AND I HAVE TALKED ABOUT IT,

AND AS MUCH AS WE COULD USE THE MONEY,

AND WE COULD REALLY, REALLY USE THE MONEY,

UM, DOUG HAS PRINCIPLES.

AND YOU CAN'T PUT A PRICE ON PRINCIPLES.

OH, SURE YOU CAN. IT'S 100 GRAND DOMESTICALLY,

A BAG OF RICE AND AN UZI IN THE THIRD WORLD. YOU KNOW?

ANYWAY, UM,

WE'VE DECIDED THAT WE'RE GOING TO JUST--

WHAT? KEEP IT.

LET'S--LET'S KEEP THE MONEY.

I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, ALLY,

AND SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO PUT PEOPLE BEFORE PRINCIPLES.

AS EXPLAINED BEAUTIFULLY BY SPOCK IN THE WRATH OF KHAN

AS HE LAY DYING IN THE RADIATION CHAMBER

AND HE SAID, AND I QUOTE,

"THE NEEDS OF THE MANY

"OUTWEIGH THE NEEDS OF THE FEW

OR THE ONE."

AND THEN HE--HE PERISHED.

THAT'S GREAT, DOUG.

THE POINT IS,

EVEN THOUGH IT VIOLATES ALL MY PRINCIPLES,

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND I CAN'T STAND SEEING YOU UNHAPPY,

SO IF THAT REQUIRES HAVING MONEY TO BUY THINGS,

THEN SO BE IT.

THANKS, DOUG.

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, PUPPY PANTS.

NO MORE MONEY, OK, DAD?

WELL, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU?

YOU COULD JUST TELL ME.

NO, SERIOUSLY.

[SIGHS]

I LOVE YOU, DOUG.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, DAD.

MMM...MWAH!

THANK YOU, DAD.

OH, UH, LISTEN, BEFORE I GO, I WANT TO APOLOGIZE

FOR DRAGGING YOU TO THAT ORGY IN ROME

WHEN YOU WERE JUST A LITTLE BOY.

IT WAS A DIFFERENT TIME,

LARRY OLIVIER WAS A DEAR FRIEND...

AND YOU WERE SUCH A GOOD SPORT.

HA HA HA HA!

WELL, ALOHA NUI NUI.

YOU KNOW, I'M A LITTLE CONCERNED THAT YOUR BOOK

IS GONNA BECOME MORE IMPORTANT TO YOU THAN I AM.

NOT POSSIBLE.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST LIKE A BOOK.

YOU'RE... YOU'RE MY BEST SELLER.

GO ON.

OK. YOU'RE--

WELL, YOU--

YOU STIMULATE THE IMAGINATION.

YOU'RE INFORMATIVE.

YOU HAVE AN APPENDIX.

YOU HAVE AN AMAZING FORWARD.

WHAT ELSE?

WELL, LIKE A GOOD BOOK, WHEN I'M FINISHED WITH YOU,

I ROLL OVER AND GO TO SLEEP.

AND...

FROM THE NIGHT I FIRST PICKED YOU UP,

I NEVER WANTED TO PUT YOU BACK DOWN.

I PICKED YOU UP.

BUT, YOU KNOW, BELIEVE WHAT YOU WANT TO BELIEVE.

I'M PROUD OF YOU, EDDIE.

MM-HMM. YEAH?

THANK YOU. HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA DEDICATE THE BOOK TO YOU.

YEP. REALLY?

I AM. OK.

WANT TO HEAR WHAT I GOT SO FAR?

YEAH.

TO JOY...

THAT'S IT.

WELL, SO FAR SO GOOD.

HEY, THAT'S PERFECT.

WHAT?

"TO JOY,

SO FAR SO GOOD."

I LIKE IT. YOU LIKE IT?

I KNEW YOU WOULD.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

AND THAT'S HOW I MET CLARENCE CLEMONS.

YEAH, EXCEPT NONE OF THAT IS TRUE.

HE JUST MAKES THIS STUFF UP.

EXCUSE ME, CLARENCE?

WOULD YOU TELL MY SON AND HIS INAMORATA HERE

HOW LONG WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER.

YOUR DAD INTRODUCED ME TO BRUCE.

ONE DAY, BRUCE AND I INVITED HIM TO COME JOGGING WITH US.

YEAH.

AND YOUR DAD SAID...

WE WERE BORN TO RUN.

AHH! HA HA HA!

HEY.

READ MY BOOK.

YEAH.