Original subtitles

GOOD NIGHT, JOY.

GOOD NIGHT.

[COUGHS AND SNIFFLES]

[SNIFFLING]

[CONTINUES SNIFFLING]

[EXHALES AND SNIFFLES]

[HAWKS AND SNIFFLES]

[COUGHS AND CLEARS THROAT]

[SNIFFLING]

[CONTINUES SNIFFLING]

H-HERE. ARE--ARE YOU OK?

ALL RIGHT? LISTEN. OK, LISTEN.

JOY, JOY, UM, I WANT TO...

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.

AND I JUST WANT YOU TO JUST HAVE AN OPEN MIND. JUST--

WHAT? WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT...

SEPARATE BEDS?

DON'T TEASE ME, EDDIE. OK. ALL RIGHT.

I'M SORRY. YOU'RE RIGHT--

NO, DON'T BE SORRY. IT'S A FANTASTIC IDEA.

I COULD READ. I COULD WATCH MY MOVIES IN PEACE.

AND I COULD DO MY CROSSWORD PUZZLES

WITHOUT THE SONG OF THE WILDEBEEST.

[CHUCKLING] RIGHT?

YOU CAN SWEAT, SHED, MOLT, DO YOUR WORST--

WON'T EVEN BOTHER ME, IF YOU WANT TO. OH, YEAH,

THERE YOU GO. WOW.

AHH. YOU'RE A GENIUS.

I AM A GENIUS, AREN'T I? YEAH. YOU ARE.

IT'S A GOOD IDEA. IT'S A GOOD IDEA. YEAH.

YEAH.

[SIGHS] SEPARATE BEDS...HMM.

SEPARATE BEDS...

WE'LL GO SHOPPING SOON.

TOMORROW.

YOU'RE EDDIE STARK.

GUILTY. I GUESS MY REPUTATION PRECEDES ME.

YOU'RE HISTORY.

WHY? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

OH. [LAUGHS] NO, YOU TEACH HISTORY.

YES. I--I DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE MET.

REALLY? HUH.

I'M CAROL DUFFY.

I'M THE NEW PRINCIPAL.

YOU'RE THE NEW PRINCIPAL? WELL, WELL,

YOU'RE A LITTLE BIT TOO PRETTY TO BE A PRINCIPAL.

I KIND OF PEGGED YOU FOR A SECRETARY.

A...SECRETARY OF STATE--

YOU KNOW, BIG-TIME SECRETARY WITH HER OWN SECRETARY.

[BOTH LAUGH]

WELL, I...

I'M GONNA BE MAKING A LOT OF CHANGES AROUND HERE.

WELL, CAROL, I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO WORKING WITH YOU.

OH, HEH, YOU'LL BE WORKING FOR ME.

AND IT'S MS. DUFFY. [CLICKS TONGUE]

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

HELLO, GORGEOUS. HEH HEH.

THIS IS FANTASTIC!

FREE! FREE! HA HA!

LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!

IT'S JOY'S BED-- JOY'S LITTLE, TINY BED!

HAPPY FEET!

GOOD. GOOD. HONEY, ENJOY IT,

BECAUSE IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME AT ALL OVER HERE.

THIS IS--MY GOSH, WE SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS 20 YEARS AGO.

OHH. HA HA!

WE COULD HAVE AVOIDED MARRIAGE ALTOGETHER!

OH. OHH.

WELL, HONEY, HINDSIGHT IS 20-20, HUH?

HEH HEH HEH. AND YOU ARE THE LUCKIEST MAN ON EARTH!

I KNOW I AM. THAT'S WHY I'VE SPENT HALF OF MY LIFE WITH YOU.

AHH. IT HAS BEEN GOOD, HASN'T IT?

YOU KNOW, I HAVE NOTHING TO COMPARE IT TO, BUT ABSOLUTELY.

I'M SURE IT'S BEEN GREAT.

COMING OVER FOR A VISIT. OK. COME ON OVER--

HELLO. JUST FOR A WHILE.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

YOU KNOW, AT THIS POINT, YOU COULD HAVE TRADED ME IN FOR TWO 20-YEAR-OLDS.

OH, HONEY, I WOULD ONLY TRADE YOU IN FOR THREE 20-YEAR-OLDS

AND A DISEASE TO BE NAMED AT A LATER DATE.

HEH HEH. AHH. AAH.

MAMA'S BACK. OH.

GO. GO, MAMA. LOOK AT THIS.

THIS IS--THIS IS AMAZING. I--I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT.

I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS. LOOK AT--YOU'RE LYING OVER THERE

WITH YOUR SHOES ON YOUR...PILLOW...

AND IT DOESN'T EVEN BOTHER ME, NOT AT ALL. HEH HEH.

[SIGHS]

YOU KNOW THE BEST PART ABOUT IT?

I CAN'T EVEN HEAR YOU.

FORTUNATELY, THAT GOES BOTH WAYS. HEH HEH HEH.

[SNIFFING] WHAT IS--

WHAT IS THAT SMELL?

OH. [CHUCKLING] I KNOW WHAT IT IS.

IT'S NOT YOUR ASS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT, EDDIE?

[SNORING] EDDIE?

OH! OH! JUST THE MAN I WANT TO SEE. AH.

PRINCIPAL DUFFY, HOW MAY I BE OF SERVICE TO YOU?

SERVICE TO ME? I LIKE THAT.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

ANYWAY, UH, YOU HAVE SECOND PERIOD FREE?

UH, YES, THAT'S TRUE. I USE THAT TIME TO COGITATE

AND PLAN MY NEXT ASSAULT ON IGNORANCE.

WELL, YOU CAN STOP THAT.

I HAVE SOME ADMINISTRATIVE RESPONSIBILITIES I NEED TAKEN CARE OF.

FIRST OF ALL, THE YEARBOOK NEEDS AN EDITOR.

OH, NO, NO, NOT THE YEARBOOK.

SEE, I WOULD JUST END UP WRITING THAT MYSELF,

BECAUSE THESE STUDENTS ARE JUST WAY TOO STUPID. TO DO IT. YOU KNOW.

WELL, YOU ARE.

YOU KNOW, THINK OF IT AS AN ASSAULT ON IGNORANCE.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

MMM.

MMM.

HA HA HA.

MMM. [SMACKS LIPS]

MMM.

YOU HAVE MADE ME SO HAPPY.

THANK YOU.

I WAS TALKING TO THEM.

MM-HMM. MM-HMM.

SWEETIE, LISTEN.

COULD I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

WOULD YOU MIND MAKING YOUR BED TOMORROW?

YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, I WOULD.

SEE, THIS IS THE THING.

IT'S A CONCEPT THAT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME.

I MEAN, WHY MAKE YOUR BED TO ONLY UNMAKE IT?

OK. ALL RIGHT.

YOU GOT A POINT THERE. UM...

ON SECOND THOUGHT, IT MAKES MY BED LOOK BETTER.

WELL, THERE YOU GO. SEE, NOW YOU WIN

THE BEAUTIFUL BED CONTEST.

COULD YOU VACUUM IT ONCE IN A WHILE?

NO, AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

MMM.

THE OTHER NIGHT, I WOKE UP AT, LIKE, 3:00 IN THE MORNING.

[CHUCKLING] AND I FOUND A LITTLE PIECE OF CHEESE...

UNDER MY PILLOW.

AND I FELT LIKE A CHRISTMAS MOUSE.

JUST SO YOU KNOW, I'M--I'M NOT GONNA CLEAN IT.

WELL, LOOK. HONEY...

[SNIFFS] MMM.

DARLING, YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT OUR BEDS

LIKE THEY'RE 2 DIFFERENT ISLANDS. YOU UNDERSTAND?

SEE, YOU'RE LIKE TRINIDAD,

AND I'M LIKE, UH, TOBAGO.

AND I THINK WE ALL KNOW THAT TOBAGO IS FILTHY.

Ms. Duffy: MR. STARK...

TODAY, I NEED YOU TO SERVE AS THE MONITOR IN THE LUNCHROOM.

AND GO AHEAD AND START COMING IN AN HOUR EARLY.

I NEED YOU TO DO THE SCHOOL BLOG.

W-WAIT, WAIT-- HEH HEH HEH. WAIT A MINUTE.

I DON'T-- I DON'T BLOG, HONEY.

OH, WELL, YOU DO NOW.

AND DON'T CALL ME "HONEY," HONEY.

SEE, I CAN DO IT. YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE YOU'RE MY BITCH.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

AHH. AHH.

[GIGGLES]

GOOD NIGHT, EDDIE.

GOOD-BYE, JOY.

I MEAN--I'M SORRY.

GOOD NIGHT, HONEY.

OK. TONIGHT, YOUR ASSIGNMENT IS TO WRITE A REPORT

ON WHY ALL ASSASSINS HAVE 3 NAMES.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

AND FOR EXTRA CREDIT, EXPLAIN THE ANOMALY

OF SIRHAN SIRHAN.

OH.

MISS DUFFY, I DIDN'T NOTICE YOU THERE.

WELL, IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

YOU REALLY DON'T REMEMBER ME, DO YOU, YOU...

GIANT FESTERING TURD.

FESTERING TURD...

WITH TENURE.

[LAUGHS] I WAS A STUDENT OF YOURS.

AND THE ONLY TIME YOU EVER PAID ANY ATTENTION TO ME

WAS THE DAY THAT YOU TURNED MY LIFE INTO HELL.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO BE MORE SPECIFIC.

YOU READ MY PAPER TO THE CLASS,

AND THEN YOU MOCKED ME.

MMM, AGAIN, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO BE MORE SPECIFIC.

YOU--YOU CALLED ME IGNORANT, ILLITERATE,

AND THEN YOU BRANDED ME A NICKNAME...

DIMBULB DUFFY! YEAH!

OH, MY. ALL RIGHT. HEH HEH HEH.

ALL RIGHT. THAT EXPLAINS A LOT.

WOW. WHAT-- CATCH ME UP.

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO, DIMBULB?

OH. [CHUCKLING] WELL, THERAPY.

YEAH. MY--MY LIFE BECAME A SERIES

OF LOVELESS RELATIONSHIPS AND SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR,

CULMINATING IN SUCH SELF-LOATHING,

I SPENT 2 YEARS IN HOUSTON AT JIGGLES GENTLEMEN'S CLUB

WORKIN' A POLE. HEH HEH.

REALLY? SOUNDS FUN. HEH HEH. YEAH.

IT WASN'T FUN. AND IT WASN'T A CLUB.

AND THERE WERE NO GENTLEMEN IN IT.

YEAH. AND THAT LED TO MORE THERAPY

AND A TREMENDOUS WEIGHT GAIN.

OH, BOY. [LAUGHING] OH, BOY.

THEN WHEN I FINALLY PUT MY LIFE BACK TOGETHER

AND I WAS FEELING PRETTY GOOD ABOUT MYSELF,

I DECIDED TO ATTEND MY 10-YEAR CLASS REUNION.

AH. I WALKED IN,

AND THEY HANDED ME MY NAME TAG,

AND THERE IT WAS-- "DIMBULB."

HEH HEH HEH! THAT LED ME RIGHT BACK TO THERAPY.

WELL, I--I THINK THAT THAT'S REALLY A TRIBUTE

TO MY NICKNAMING ABILITIES, OH, YEAH.

IF YOU HAD TO GO THROUGH THAT. I MEAN, IMAGINE

WHAT HORSEFACE JOHNSON'S GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

YEAH. OH, YOU-- YOU HAVE DESTROYED

A LOT OF LIVES, MR. STARK.

I--I THREW MYSELF INTO MY WORK.

AND EVENTUALLY... [STAMMERS]

I ACHIEVED THE POSITION THAT I AM IN TODAY

SOLELY SO I COULD REDRESS ALL OF YOUR INJUSTICES,

FOR EVERYBODY--

FOR THE DIMBULBS AND THE HORSEFACES

AND THE FATASSES.

OH, FATASS. HEH.

I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT WILSON.

SHE WAS HUGE.

HEH. YEAH, YEAH, SHE WAS.

AND NOW SHE'S DEAD.

SHE THREW HERSELF OUT A WINDOW.

OOH. OH, MY. I'M--I'M VERY SORRY.

UH, MUST HAVE BEEN A BIG WINDOW, HUH?

[CHUCKLES]

SHE LANDED ON A BABY CARRIAGE.

YEAH. WELL, MORE FOOD FOR US, RIGHT?

HEH.

MOMMY.

JUDGMENT DAY HAS COME, MR. STARK.

AND I--I AM GONNA SEND YOU TO HELL.

HEH HEH HEH.

MY BOAT.

MY BOAT!

OH, MY GOD. I REMEMBER WHEN THAT WAS IN THE PAPER--

THE PANCAKE BABY!

FATASS WILSON CAUSED THAT? UNBELIEVABLE.

I KNOW. RIGHT?

SO, THAT'S WHY THIS MS. DUFFY HAS BEEN PILING WORK ON YOU?

YEAH, YOU SEE, BECAUSE SHE SAYS

I INADVERTENTLY SCARRED HER FOR LIFE.

I MEAN, WHO KNEW I HAVE SUCH A TALENT

WITH GIVING PEOPLE DEMEANING NICKNAMES?

[CHUCKLING] YOU DON'T HAVE A DEMEANING NICKNAME FOR ME, DO YOU?

OF COURSE NOT, CHESTICLES.

WANT TO GIVE ME A HAND WITH THIS, FRANKENJEW?

OY. OY.

[BOTH LAUGHING AND GRUNTING]

ALL RIGHT. OH, BOY.

HEH HEH HEH. LOOK AT THAT, HUH?

YEAH. I AM LOVIN' THIS WALL OF TREES.

HEH HEH HEH. IT'S FANTASTIC.

WE HAVE OUR OWN AREA SEPARATED BY A RAIN FOREST.

OK. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

LET'S TRY IT OUT. ALL RIGHT.

[WATER RUNNING]

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

IT'S MY WATERFALL. YEAH, I READ THIS ARTICLE

THAT THE SOUND OF WATER IS CONDUCIVE TO SLEEP.

APPARENTLY, IT'S BETTER THAN XANAX.

OH, SO YOU'RE GONNA STOP TAKING YOUR XANAX?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I'M GONNA TAKE THE XANAX AND HAVE A WATERFALL.

IT'S LIKE A SLEEP SPEEDBALL.

WELL, GOOD NIGHT, HONEY.

GOOD NIGHT. MWAH!

MWAH.

Eddie: WHAT--WH...

WHAT IS THAT SMELL?

PIKAKE.

WELL, IT'S--IT'S CROSSING THE BARRIER HERE.

IT'S WAFTING INTO MY AREA.

YOUR SMELL HAS BEEN WAFTING MY WAY FOR 23 YEARS.

IT'S BEEN LIKE SLEEPING IN THE FREAKIN' MONKEY HOUSE.

ALL RIGHT. WELL, WHAT'S FAIR IS FAIR.

GOOD NIGHT. [CHUCKLES] GOOD NIGHT.

[KNOCKS] HI. MAY I SPEAK WITH YOU

FOR A MOMENT? CERTAINLY.

DID YOU FIND YOUR NEW PARKING SPACE?

YEAH. YEAH, I DID.

I JUST GOT OFF THE SHUTTLE BUS.

YEAH, I--I DID THE PARKING SPACE RECON MYSELF.

THAT'S GANG TERRITORY, SO DON'T WEAR RED...

[CHUCKLING] OR BLUE.

LISTEN, UH, I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOUR STORY, DUFFY.

OH--AND YOU'VE COME TO APOLOGIZE.

AND I CAN TELL YOU RIGHT NOW,

IT WON'T BE ACCEPTED.

NO, ACTUALLY, I HAVEN'T COME TO APOLOGIZE.

ON THE CONTRARY, I THINK YOU OWE ME A DEBT OF GRATITUDE.

I HAVE A GUN IN MY DRAWER.

REALLY? CAN I BORROW IT?

I MAY NEED IT TO GET BACK TO MY CAR.

[CHUCKLES AND SNORTS] OK--

I'M SORRY, BUT HOW DO YOU FIGURE I OWE YOU ANYTHING?

OK, LISTEN, I AM THE ENGINE

THAT DROVE YOU TO YOUR SUCCESS.

I AM THE WIND BENEATH YOUR WINGS.

IF IT WASN'T FOR ME, DUFFY, YOU'D BE BACK ON THAT POLE IN HOUSTON.

BECAUSE OF YOU, I WAS ON THAT POLE IN HOUSTON.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK. LET'S NOT GET BOGGED DOWN

IN SOME CRAZY TERMINATOR LOGIC. OK?

THE--THE POINT IS, IF I DIDN'T CALL YOU "DIMBULB,"

YOU WOULDN'T BE THE SUCCESS YOU ARE TODAY.

WELL, I SEE YOUR POINT.

AND I REJECT IT. WELL--

UH...[STAMMERS] IF YOU...

IF--IF YOU HAVE EVEN THE MOST REMOTE NOTION

THAT YOU'RE JUST GONNA TALK YOURSELF

OUT OF A LIFETIME OF SMOLDERING HATRED,

YOU ARE SADLY MISTAKEN, YOU, YOU...

ENORMOUS DORK.

THE NICKNAME THING ISN'T THAT EASY, IS IT?

[PANTING]

[EXHALES]

WHAT'S THAT?

MY NIGHTGOWN.

WHAT IS THIS, A SIGNAL?

LIKE, "ONE IF BY LAND, TWO IF BY SEA"?

NO. I JUST DECIDED TO SLEEP NAKED.

NAKED?

YEP.

NAKED-NAKED?

YEAH.

HONEY, YOU HAVEN'T BEEN NAKED-NAKED

IN 19 1/2 YEARS.

I ONLY TAKE OUT ENOUGH TO WIN.

[GASPS] JEEZ.

EDDIE, YOU'RE LIKE KING KONG COMING THROUGH THE JUNGLE THERE.

DON'T SCARE ME LIKE THAT.

[LATIN ACCENT] ARE YOU AFRAID, LITTLE GIRL?

[CHUCKLING]

ALL RIGHT, WHAT--WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[NORMAL VOICE] OH, I'M JUST LOOKING. HI.

NICE CANOPY. MM-HMM.

WOW. THIS IS KIND OF LIKE THE LITTLE PRINCESS ROOM

AT THE MUSTANG RANCH...

I IMAGINE.

IF YOU DON'T MIND, I WOULD LIKE TO GO TO SLEEP NOW.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD. THAT WOULD ONLY ENHANCE MY PLANS.

THAT'S NICE.

IT'S THE NAKED THING, ISN'T IT?

YEAH. IT IS. YEAH. YEAH?

I'M NOT SO SURE THAT YOUR CHOLESTEROL-LADEN HEART

COULD HANDLE ALL OF THIS.

OH, WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT. I'M READY TO TAKE THE RISK.

I MEAN, AFTER ALL, I--I GOT NOTHIN' TO LIVE FOR.

ALL RIGHT. TAKE A LOOK.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

YOU LIKE?

ME LIKE.

EVEN AFTER 19 1/2 YEARS?

HONEY, YOU'RE LIKE AN OLD SONG

BEING COVERED BY A HOT NEW GROUP.

HEH HEH HEH. HOP IN.

YEAH? OH. YEAH.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

HOP IN. JOY HAS TAGGED ME. OHH.

OH. OK. OK. NOT THERE. OH. EASY.

OK. OW. [STRAINING] OK. RIGHT THERE.

THERE. [CHUCKLING]

WHAT ARE THOSE? YOUR KEYS?

[SIGHS] OK.

ALL RIGHT, BABY--COVER YOU-- I JUST--

[BOTH GRUNTING]

AAH! AAH!

[THUD]

Joy: YOU WANT TO, UH, CONTINUE ON,

OR DO YOU WANT TO PUSH THE BEDS TOGETHER?

Eddie: NAH, LET'S STAY HERE.

I'M HALFWAY FINISHED.

[BOTH SIGH]

SO, YOU WANT TO PULL 'EM APART NOW?

ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THE BEDS?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

MMM, I DID MISS THIS. OH, ME, TOO.

YEAH, I LIKE SLEEPING WITH YOU. MMM, ME, TOO.

I MEAN, I LIKE SLEEPING WITH YOU...AND ME.

YOU KNOW, TOGETHER.... HEH HEH HEH.

SLEEPING, JUST THE TWO OF US--

OK, I GOT IT. OK.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? MAYBE WE SHOULD GET ANOTHER BED.

THEY HAVE THIS KIND WHERE YOU CAN ACTUALLY WORK EACH SIDE INDIVIDUALLY--

THE FIRMNESS, THE HEAT, THE ELEVATION.

IT'S LIKE 2 SEPARATE BEDS, BUT THEY'RE TOGETHER.

WHY DON'T WE GET ONE OF THOSE?

HMM. DO I GET TO KEEP MY CANOPY?

DO I GET TO KEEP MY POSTER?

WE'LL GET ANOTHER BED.

YEAH.

[WHIRRING]

HA HA.

EDDIE, PLEASE, WILL YOU GO TO SLEEP?

NO, HONEY, I'M HAVING TOO MUCH FUN.

OK, WAIT FOR IT. WAIT FOR IT.

WAIT FOR IT. WAIT FOR IT.

AND LAUGH.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

OH, YOU'RE CUTE. YOU'RE ANNOYING, BUT YOU'RE CUTE.

ALL RIGHT, NOW LISTEN. THE BED HEATS UP AND MASSAGES.

SO, YOU START THE FOREPLAY. I'M GONNA RUN DOWNSTAIRS AND MAKE A SANDWICH.

AND THEN I'M GONNA COME BACK TO CLOSE THE DEAL.

OK? HA HA HA!

[BED VIBRATING]

TAKE YOUR T-I-I-IME.

[LAUGHS]

TAKE A LOOK.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I HAD TO SHOW HIM THE COOKIES.

YOU KNOW, EVERY TIME YOU SHOW ME THAT,

AN ANGEL GETS ITS WINGS. YEAH.

I JUST WANNA...

JUST WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT IT.

JUST...