Original subtitles

(JINGLE PLAYING)

♪ Every time I zig, you zag

♪ I like coffee, tea's your bag

♪ Though it makes no sense, it's true

♪ There's no me without you ♪

JOY: 'Til Death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Here you go. Your regular, meatball sandwich.

Extra sauce, extra cheese, with a light dusting of crumbled bacon.

Here's to your health.

(CHUCKLES)

You know, funny story how bacon got invited to this party.

Yeah, I heard it.

No, no, no. I have to tell you this.

It was about 10 years ago. I was at this very table

and I had some bacon stuck in my teeth from breakfast.

I bite into the sandwich

and all of a sudden these two meats are making love inside my mouth.

And they bore a child named Yum.

(LAUGHING)

Uh-huh. Well, it's about time my mouth made love with some nicotine gum.

(LAUGHING)

Oh. Wow. Oh.

Oh, boy. Too much cheese.

Darn.

Eddie!

(LAUGHS)

Kenny. What are you doing here?

Living, loving, getting my sandwich on.

Sit down. Sit down!

Did anyone see you come in here?

There was a homeless guy outside with his raincoat tucked into his pants.

I'm talking about someone we know, or Joy.

Why are you all wiggy, man?

I'm not wiggy. Why do you think I'm wiggy? What am I doing that's wiggy?

You're squeezing that sandwich so hard, you just lost a ball.

What's going on with you, man?

Wait a minute. Are you tapping the meatball lady?

No!

Probably smart. She looks like she would talk a lot in the sack.

What's going on, man?

All right, look, here's the thing.

For about 20 years, I've been coming in here

and getting meatball sandwiches, but I've never told Joy.

What? Is she on you about cholesterol and stuff?

Cholesterol? Please.

I've seen that woman spread cold gravy on a cupcake.

(EXHALES)

It was early on in our marriage. I was out running a bunch of errands

and then I ended up coming in here.

When I got home later, I told Joy everything I did,

but for some reason, I never told her about the sandwich.

Was it wrong? Yes.

Did it make me feel better than I've ever felt in my entire life?

You bet your sweet black ass.

I understand. You get yourself secret meatballs.

Every man needs a secret meatball.

Yes. Yes, we do! And this is the only thing left in our relationship

that is all mine.

Mmm-hmm. It gives you a chance to reconnect with an old friend. You.

Well, that's...

Now, listen, listen. I need you to do me a favor.

You can never mention any of this to Joy.

She already knows everything else there is to know about me.

She knows my ATM code.

My strange fear of bean-based soups.

And the confusing feelings I have when I see Jude Law.

I get that. I get all weird about Prince.

The important thing to remember while maneuvering her

is you have to feel like a tiny driver inside the dune buggy.

(LAUGHING)

I'm seeing a tiny badass me

with tiny goggles on and tiny little driving gloves.

All right.

I think of myself as tiny, but still pretty tall compared to other tiny people.

And tiny me is also catnip to the tiny ladies.

Oh!

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

Yeah, okay. Okay.

I know, I know. She's a bitch and she sleeps around.

But you have to invite her. She's still your mother.

Hey, guys. You have a little sauce on your shirt.

Oh.

This must've happened at Morry's when you called my name and I jumped.

What the hell are you doing?

You have to treat a stain before it sets. That's laundry 101.

But you're making it worse!

It's a process!

Wow, that's definitely getting worse.

I'm gonna need some kosher salt and some pantyhose.

Don't rub it like...

So what is that? Tomato?

No.

Hell, no!

What is it, lipstick? You having an affair on me?

Maybe.

Maybe he's looking for a lady who doesn't ask so many questions.

You guys been sniffing dune buggy glue?

'Cause you're acting really strange.

Oh, what, what? So, suddenly a man can't dab another man

with a wet cloth without being labeled strange?

What a world.

What a world, indeed.

All right, listen here, buddy. You're gonna tell me what's going on,

or I'm gonna get it out of your little friend here.

He doesn't know anything.

Yeah? I'll be the judge of that.

Hey there, Mr. Man.

(LAUGHS)

That nice, smooth head of yours is getting a little sweaty.

Thank you.

What are you two hiding, Kenneth?

Don't call me Kenneth. My mom calls me Kenneth.

Oh, does she, Kenneth? And when does she call you Kenneth?

When you're trying to hide something,

Kenneth?

He's got a secret meatball sandwich.

What?

You have played with my dune buggy for the last time.

I deserved that.

So what's the deal with the sandwich?

All right, honey. Look, here's... Here's the thing.

Um...

I've been going to this place called Morry's and I've been getting these

secret meatball sandwiches and not telling you.

And how long you been doing that?

I don't know. What is this, Tuesday?

Twenty years.

(LAUGHING)

What? What?

You're not mad?

Are you kidding? It's freakin' hilarious!

So you're not upset that I've been keeping you in the dark about this?

About your secret sandwich? Not so much!

(LAUGHING) Oh, man!

Sneaking around to get meatballs for 20 years is just so lame!

It is. It is. Crazy lame.

So, we can pretend we've never had this conversation?

Your secret's safe with me.

Oh, wait a second. Hold on. You know what I'm going to do?

I'm gonna have a secret yogurt right now.

(SHUSHING)

There's fruit at the bottom. Don't tell anyone. It's a secret!

Here you go. Here's your meatball sandwich and your root beer.

Ah! Thank you. Hey, I got a funny story for you.

Yeah, I know, I heard it.

No, no, no, no. No, listen. This one you've never heard before.

This is fresh stuff. I've been coming here about 20 years...

And you never told your wife and then she found out

and you were afraid she was gonna be angry, but she wasn't.

Should I leave the check?

Wait a second. How did you hear about that story?

Well, your wife told me. She was in here a couple of hours ago.

What? Yeah.

You know, she's pretty. I was surprised, I always pictured her fat.

Take it away. What?

Take it away!

Hey, babe.

Hello.

What's up? You're kind of creeping me out.

How was your day? What'd you do?

Uh...

I don't know. I went to the car wash.

I went to the bank.

Do you know we have almost no money?

Sure do.

Did you go anywhere else?

No. Oh, I did pick up a chai tea.

A chai tea? Or a lie tea?

What? I know you went

to my secret meatball place. Convenient how you just left that out, huh?

Okay, yeah. I went to Morry's once, just to see the place.

Well, now you've contaminated it.

I'm sorry, I've contaminated it?

There's a possum trap in the ladies room.

Why'd you go, Joy? I thought you didn't care.

You were laughing when I told you.

Okay, fine. Yeah, I laughed about it at first,

but then it seemed really weird that you had to hide it from me.

I mean, what is the deal with this stupid sandwich?

It's not just a sandwich, it's what it represents.

Don't you understand? It was the only thing in my life that you didn't know about.

The one and only thing that was all mine.

Come on, there are things that we don't know about each other.

I can list five things right now that you don't know about me.

Oh! Go for it.

Okay.

I... Bleach your mustache.

Wow. Um...

Okay, all right. Here's something you don't know, okay.

In college, once, after this concert, I...

Slept with a guy named Daryl Hall

because you thought he was part of the band Hall and Oates,

and he just ended up being a random guy named Daryl Hall.

All right, we know everything about each other, okay?

Call me crazy, but I don't think that that's such a bad thing in a marriage, babe.

It's 'cause you're a chick.

Excuse me?

Look, Joy. I'm a good husband.

I would never cheat on you.

I would never murder someone and bury them in the pantry.

The pantry?

What's wrong with the pantry?

Well, it's just a very specific place to talk about burying someone.

Generally, people just say the woods,

but it's almost as if you have a plan.

Can I finish?

Go ahead. Okay.

My secret meatball sandwich was the last bit of my independence.

Now, I know it may sound lame, but it was important to me.

But now you know it, and you can never un-know it.

Well, I'm so sorry I know your big secret.

Here. Why don't you hit me over the head with a frying pan

and I'll forget all about it? Go ahead.

You're not actually thinking about hitting me with that, are you?

No!

Hey, hon, Steph and I are heading out. What are you doing tonight?

Why don't you tell me what I'm doing tonight, oh, keeper of all secrets?

Ew, what's that smell?

Me.

Wow, you are a smoldering kettle of sexual energy.

I think we'd better leave the room before we both jump your bones.

Is he still bumming about that meatball thing?

How long's that gonna last?

I don't know. Possibly forever. I'm looking into getting my own condo.

You know, maybe him having a secret wasn't such a bad thing.

Maybe it gave your relationship a little spark.

It really didn't.

I don't know. I mean,

he's never smelled like that before.

I actually think secrets are kind of cool and exciting.

I mean, I love Jeff. But I know everything about him.

I'm desperately hoping there's something I don't know.

So it keeps me going.

Hmm.

Wow.

All right. You need to get a new secret.

What? What brought this on?

I don't know. Maybe your secret meatballs did give you an air of mystery.

Because without them, you are just a big, tall pile of bleh!

A new secret, huh?

I think it's gonna be good for us.

You know what? Maybe I'm gonna get myself a secret, too.

Ooh, a lady secret. How very forward-thinking.

I'll allow it.

Oh! Kenny, what are you doing here?

Oh, I totally ruined Eddie's marriage.

So, I'm taking him out for a tuna sandwich.

Ah! Gentlemen. Hey, Kenny.

Hey, what's going on, Eddie? You ready for your apology lunch?

Oh, no need to apologize, my friend.

Joy has had a change of heart.

She's gonna let me pick a new secret.

Apparently, your wife got to her. She said you're a snooze to live with

because there's nothing mysterious about you, so she figured that I...

I am sorry?

There's nothing mysterious about me?

That's right. Yeah.

Okay, right. So, look, this is what I need.

I need you guys to focus here and come up with a great new secret for me

that's gonna blow meatball sandwiches out of the water.

Anybody. What do you got?

Secret tacos.

Okay, see, now you're replacing food with food.

Come on, we're better than that.

Boink the science teacher.

Frank Littleton?

I'm sorry, I meant the new math teacher.

Let's keep it above the belt, all right?

Secret bird. Secret hamster. Secret squirrel!

Secret jetpack!

Do us a favor. Get a haircut.

How could she not think I'm mysterious?

I am a magician for God sakes.

You know, I own two capes!

All right, look. This is the thing.

We gotta make sure that my secret is better than Joy's.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Joy gets to have a secret, too?

Yeah. Oh, boy.

(STAMMERING) What? What, "Oh, boy"? What's wrong with that?

A good secret is when it's yours and you know what it is.

A bad secret is when it's hers and she's riding the pool boy.

All right, look, nobody's gonna be having sex with anybody, okay?

You know, of course. It's gonna be fine.

You got a bosomy, free spirited lady doing stuff and not telling you.

What could possibly go wrong?

What'd you do today?

Oh, hung out, went around.

Got a pretty great new secret rolling.

But, of course, that is all that I can divulge.

Obviously. That's what makes it a secret.

Good. You get it.

But I can tell you that mine is pretty spectacular.

And I don't mind telling you,

that I'm loving my secret, too.

Great. Couldn't be happier for you.

Secrets, huh?

Fun to keep. Fun also, to do.

One secret pinwheel, please.

(LAUGHING) You.

(BANGING)

Hey!

What the hell is going on in here?

What? It's my secret.

You can't just take my secret and make it your secret.

You're breaking the laws of secrets.

Why? It couldn't be your secret anymore

and the sandwich is delicious.

Did you go with melted mozzarella on the top?

What other cheese could you possibly go with on there?

I don't know. Feta?

Feta? Feta?

Oh, you know what? I can't even look at you right now!

You have no business being in here!

And you. You! I guess you'll just wait on anybody, won't you?

Um, yeah. I'm a waitress. That's kind of what I do.

I don't know why you're getting so upset about this.

You said your new secret was spectacular.

I lied!

All right, Joy? I don't even have a new secret.

I couldn't even think of anything else. That's how lame I am.

Well, why do you think I took your secret?

I couldn't think of anything else, either. That's how lame I am.

So that's it?

Now, we know everything about each other.

We're no longer two independent beings.

(SIGHS)

This is the end of Joy and Eddie. We've simply become

Jeddy.

Yeah, but you know what, who cares? This has been exhausting anyway.

Now that we have absolutely nothing left to hide,

I'm actually feeling a strange sense of peace.

Yeah, me, too. Make some room.

I'm sorry you lost your secret.

But, you know, when your last shred of independence is a meatball sandwich,

you're kind of running out of road.

Come here.

I'm gonna go try to find a fork that doesn't have gum on it.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, what you got going on there?

Oh, this is a new sandwich. It's not on the menu yet.

It's peppers and sausage and cheese on a jalapeno roll.

Listen. Next time I'm in here,

throw a little bacon on that and keep it on the down low.

Secret sausage.

I'm back.

Hey, babe.

Hey, honey.

Mmm.

Mmm.

I'm getting sausage,

jalapeno and...

Bacon?

Is that your new secret sandwich?

Why don't you go upstairs and bleach your mustache?