Original subtitles

♪ EVERY TIME I ZIG, YOU ZAG ♪

♪ I LIKE COFFEE, TEA'S YOUR BAG ♪

♪ THOUGH IT MAKES NO SENSE, IT'S TRUE ♪

♪ THERE'S NO ME WITHOUT YOU ♪

'TIL DEATH IS FILMED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.

THEY BRING IT RIGHT TO THE HOUSE.

STILL AMAZES ME. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

SETTING THE TABLE.

PAPER PLATES TOO HIGHFALUTIN' FOR YOU?

OK. HONEY, FIRST OF ALL, THE CHEESE IS THE MEAL,

AND THE CRUST IS THE PLATE.

AND SECONDLY, WE'RE EATING UPSTAIRS TONIGHT.

WHY?

WELL, BECAUSE...

KENNY HAS THAT THIRD DATE WITH THAT GIRL ANGIE,

AND HE'S GOING TO BRING HER BACK,

AND I TOLD HIM WE'D, YOU KNOW, CLEAR OUT.

CLEAR OUT?

WHAT, ARE WE LIVING IN A DORM, EDDIE?

THIS IS OUR HOME.

OK, FINE. I'LL JUST TELL KENNY YOU'RE NOT COOL.

YES, PLEASE. PLEASE TELL KENNY

THAT I'M NOT COOL WITH HIM BREAKING

4 COMMANDMENTS ON MY COUCH.

OH, COME ON, EDDIE.

PEPPERONI ON THE WHOLE THING?

WHY DO YOU EVEN ASK ME WHAT I WANT?

AGAIN, IF I ORDER A PIZZA

WITH HALF PEPPERONI AND HALF CHEESE,

THEY STILL CHARGE ME THE $2.95

AS IF I WAS GETTING PEPPERONI ON THE WHOLE PIE.

SO BE A TEAM PLAYER. PICK IT OFF ON YOUR SIDE

AND PUT IT ON MY SIDE. WIN-WIN.

WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND IS IT'S NOT A WIN FOR ME

BECAUSE EVEN AFTER I'VE PICKED IT ALL OFF,

MY SIDE IS STILL COVERED WITH PEPPERONI JUICE.

JOY, JOY...

FIRST OF ALL, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS PEPPERONI JUICE

BECAUSE IF THERE WAS, I WOULD HAVE

A WHOLE GALLON OF IT IN OUR FRIDGE.

[KENNY SIGHS]

HEY, HOW WAS THE WATER PARK?

IT WAS OK.

WHERE'S YOUR LADY FRIEND?

HOME.

I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE BIG DATE. WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, WE WERE ON OUR WAY OUT OF THE PARK,

AND SHE WANTED TO GO BACK IN THERE

TO TAKE ONE MORE RIDE ON THE PIRATES PLUNGE.

OH, YEAH. I'VE SEEN THAT ON TV.

"ARR, MATEYS, COME AND GET ME ALL WET--"

[KISS]

ANYWAY...

I'M COMING AROUND THE LAST CURVE,

AND MY BATHING SUIT GETS AWAY FROM ME.

AND SHE SAW SOMETHING THAT "DIDN'T QUITE WORK FOR HER."

ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GUESS?

OH, OH, I'LL GO. I'LL GO.

AN EXTRA NUGGET IN YOUR HAPPY MEAL?

I'M NOT CIRCUMCISED!

SEE THAT?

THAT'S THE LOOK ANGIE GAVE ME.

IT'S THE SAME LOOK I'VE BEEN GETTING

FROM WOMEN MY WHOLE LIFE.

THAT'S FUNNY. MOST GUYS HAVE TO APOLOGIZE AFTER SEX,

BUT YOU HAVE TO APOLOGIZE BEFORE.

WHY WOULD YOU HAVE TO APOLOGIZE AFTER SEX?

NOT TO HER, TO THE NEIGHBORS.

UP HIGH. COME ON!

ALL I KNOW IS, I'M GETTING THIS THING DONE.

NOW? AS AN ADULT?

I MEAN, I DON'T HAVE ONE,

BUT AREN'T THOSE THINGS A LITTLE SENSITIVE?

ESPECIALLY IF YOU SLEEP ON THEM WRONG.

LOOK, ALL I KNOW IS, ANGIE'S THE FIRST GIRL

I'VE BEEN EXCITED ABOUT SINCE TINA.

IF I LEARNED ANYTHING FROM MY FIRST MARRIAGE,

IT'S THAT I NEED TO BE MORE ACCOMMODATING.

YEAH, I DON'T KNOW. A THIRD-DATE CIRCUMCISION?

I MEAN, I DIDN'T EVEN BUY JOY FLOWERS

UNTIL OUR FIFTH DATE,

AND THAT WAS TO THANK HER FOR OUR FOURTH DATE.

HA HA.

I WAS SO DRUNK.

HOW IS IT THAT I AM 46 YEARS OLD

AND I AM DISCOVERING CINNAMON FLOSS FOR THE FIRST TIME?

IT'S LIKE CLEANING YOUR TEETH WITH A CANDY CANE.

HA HA.

AH...

HEY.

IT'S 10:45, HONEY. LIGHTS OUT.

I WAS READING.

BABE, IT'S A NEWSPAPER.

READ IT ON THE CAN LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU ARE THE MOST INCONSIDERATE,

SELF-CENTERED JACKASS IN THE HISTORY OF...

JACKASSERY.

LOVE YOU, TOO. GOOD NIGHT.

I'M SERIOUS, EDDIE.

IS THIS ABOUT THE PEPPERONI THING?

YES, IT IS ABOUT THE PEPPERONI THING!

IT'S ABOUT THE LIGHTS! IT'S ABOUT THE FACT

THAT EVERYTHING IN THIS MARRIAGE

IS GEARED TOWARDS WHAT YOU WANT

AND I AM JUST ALONG FOR THE RIDE.

SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY NEEDS A HUG.

GET--

YOU KNOW WHAT? I WANT YOU TO NAME ONE THING

THAT YOU DO FOR ME.

HUP. HOW ABOUT THE TIME

I TOOK YOU TO THE BOTANICAL GARDENS?

THAT WAS 11 YEARS AGO,

AND THE ONLY REASON WE STOPPED

IS BECAUSE YOU HAD TO USE THE BATHROOM.

WHICH GAVE YOU A GOOD 45 MINUTES TO WALK AROUND.

YOU ARE QUITE A CATCH.

JOY, I'M A MAN. THIS IS WHAT MEN DO.

THIS IS NOT WHAT MEN DO.

THERE WAS A MAN IN OUR KITCHEN

LESS THAN AN HOUR AGO WHO WAS WILLING

TO GET CIRCUMCISED FOR THE MERE PROMISE OF LOVE.

WELL, IF THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ABOUT, PROBLEM SOLVED.

I MEAN, I KNOW IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE YOU'VE SEEN IT,

BUT I GOT TO TELL YOU, I'M CUTE AS A BUTTON DOWN THERE.

WE GET IT. YOU LOVE YOU.

I AM ALWAYS DOING THINGS FOR YOU,

AND YOU ARE NEVER DOING ANYTHING FOR ME.

ALL RIGHT, HONEY, LOOK.

YOU WANT ME TO DO SOMETHING FOR YOU?

I WILL DO SOMETHING FOR YOU.

YOU JUST NAME IT.

WHATEVER YOUR LITTLE GIRLIE HEART DESIRES.

I WOULD LIKE TO GET SEASON TICKETS

TO "SHOW TUNES ON THE GREEN AT FAIRMOUNT PARK."

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAUGHT ME WITH A HOOKER.

THIS IS WHAT WE ARE DOING FOR THE NEXT 6 FRIDAYS--

6? 6 FRIDAYS?

6 FRIDAYS, YEAH.

BEFORE THE SHOW, THERE'S A PICNIC.

A PICNIC? I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS.

AFTER WHICH, WE WILL SIT ON A BLANKET ON THE LAWN

AT FAIRMOUNT PARK AND ENJOY

ALAN THICKE IN "THE BEST OF BROADWAY."

SO YOU'RE TELLING ME JUST BECAUSE KENNY

IS GOING TO... PIMP HIS RIDE,

I HAVE TO NOW GO WATCH

"GROWING PAINS, THE MUSICAL"?

IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?

THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M SAYING.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN

BECAUSE KENNY IS NOT GOING TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS. TRUST ME.

YOU DON'T THINK SO?

NO, I DON'T.

OK. OH, HERE. I HAVE AN IDEA.

IF HE DOES GO THROUGH WITH IT,

WE WILL SPEND THE BETTER PART

OF THE FALL SITTING ON A BLANKET

AT FAIRMOUNT PARK LISTENING TO SHOW TUNES,

AND IF HE DOESN'T, I WILL RIP UP THE TICKETS.

OK. YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU GOT A DEAL.

AND WE'RE GOING TO SHAKE ON IT.

ALL RIGHT. YEAH, GO AHEAD. HUH?

YOU KNOW WHAT? WE'VE NEVER SHAKEN HANDS IN BED BEFORE.

IT'S KIND OF HOT.

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE A SUCCESSFUL BUSINESSWOMAN,

AND I'M A TITAN OF INDUSTRY.

YEAH, IT IS KIND OF HOT.

GOOD NIGHT.

YOU CAN'T DO IT. YOU CAN'T GET CIRCUMCISED.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE NOT TAKEN CARE OF DOWN THERE.

THAT'S DISGUSTING.

YEAH, MAN. I SAW A GUY AT THE GYM ONCE.

I ALMOST PASSED OUT.

LEAVE KENNY ALONE. IT'S NOT THAT GROSS.

WHY ARE YOU GETTING ALL DEFENSIVE?

WE'RE JUST TRYING TO...

OH, MAN! OH, MAN!

THAT'S RIGHT. AND THE WOMEN LOVE IT.

WHAT WOMEN?

YOUR MAMA.

HOO HOO!

OK. SO BOTTOM LINE, THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA.

IT'S DECIDED. YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO IT.

OH, I'M DOING IT, MAN. IT'S GOING TO BE

A WHOLE NEW WORLD FOR ME.

I'M GOING TO NUDE BEACHES,

MAKING LOVE WITH THE LIGHTS ON.

I'M GONNA GET ME A PAIR OF JEANS WITH A ZIPPER.

EXCUSE ME. I'M LEAVING 2 DUMPLINGS.

I EXPECT TO COME BACK TO 2 DUMPLINGS.

EXCUSE ME.

I DON'T WORK HERE,

BUT THE BATHROOM'S OVER THERE,

AND THE GREEN TEA COMES AFTER THE MEAL.

NO, NO, NO. YOU WERE MY DOCTOR.

I'M EDDIE STARK. YOU DID MY VASECTOMY.

OH, CRAP. IS YOUR WIFE PREGNANT, TOO?

NO. LISTEN, THAT ISN'T WHY I'M HERE.

DO YOU DO ADULT CIRCUMCISIONS?

YOU'RE ALREADY CIRCUMCISED.

HOW DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?

I'M NOT GOOD WITH NAMES OR FACES,

BUT I NEVER FORGET--

DUT, DUT, DUT. OK, LISTEN. I NEED YOU

TO GO BACK OVER THERE AND TELL MY FRIEND

NOT TO GET ONE.

OR I COULD EAT MY SHRIMP THAT'S READY.

OK. LISTEN, PLEASE. THIS IS THE THING.

I KNOW IT SOUNDS WEIRD,

BUT MY FRIEND WANTS TO GET THIS PROCEDURE DONE

FOR A GIRL THAT HE BARELY KNOWS.

WHEN MY WIFE HEARD ABOUT THIS,

SHE REALIZED HOW INSENSITIVE I AM.

IF HE GOES AHEAD WITH THIS,

I'M LOOKING AT A MONTH AND A HALF

OF MUSICALS IN THE PARK.

I GET THAT.

OH, HEY, EXCUSE ME.

PAST THE BAR TO THE LEFT.

THANKS.

NO, I DON'T HAVE TO SIT DOWN TO PEE!

IT JUST LOOKS DIFFERENT.

ALL RIGHTIE. THIS IS DR. PARK,

AND THIS IS MY BUDDY KENNY

THAT I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT.

I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE THINKING OF HAVING AN ADULT CIRCUMCISION.

THAT'S A PRETTY TRICKY PROCEDURE.

WHAT DOCTOR ARE YOU GOING TO?

I DON'T HAVE ONE YET.

FIT YOU IN TUESDAY. WHAT?

10 A.M.? HOW ABOUT MONDAY?

WAIT. I COULD DO NOON.

AWESOME. GREAT.

EXCUSE ME, RABBI.

HAS THE BABY BEEN CIRCUMCISED YET?

NO.

GOOD, BECAUSE MY FRIEND IS RUNNING A LITTLE LATE,

AND I REALLY WANT HIM TO SEE THIS.

I'M SORRY. I DON'T RECOGNIZE YOU.

YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH...

THE BABY.

ZEV. THE ZEVSTER.

YEAH, WE GO WAY BACK.

SO LISTEN, I'M GOING TO NEED YOU TO STALL THE...PSST-PSST.

YOU KNOW. IF YOU COULD,

THAT WOULD BE GOD-TASTIC.

I CAN'T DO THAT.

OK. ALL RIGHT. I HEAR YOU. I HEAR YOU. SAY NO MORE.

SIR, THIS ISN'T A NIGHTCLUB.

I'M NOT GOING TO DELAY THE SERVICE FOR--

TWO DOLLARS?

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN. HERE'S THE THING.

MY FRIEND WANTS TO GET CIRCUMCISED FOR THIS GIRL.

NOW, WHEN MY WIFE HEARD ABOUT IT,

SHE REALIZED THAT I'M A--

SCHMUCK?

BINGO. SO IF HE GOES THROUGH WITH IT,

I HAVE TO GO SEE 6 MUSICALS IN THE PARK.

I GET THAT.

I ONCE BROKE MY OWN ARM

SO I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO SEE JOSH GROBAN.

BLESS YOU.

HEY, EDDIE, WHAT ARE WE DOING IN THE TEMPLE?

I TOLD YOU ONCE, MAN-- MY MOM RAISED ME BAPTIST.

I'M GONNA STAY BAPTIST.

RELAX. I WANT YOU TO SEE SOMETHING.

IT'S CALLED A BRIS.

NOW PUT THIS ON AND COME WITH ME.

AREN'T I GOING TO GET FUNNY LOOKS IF I WEAR THIS?

YOU'RE GOING TO GET FUNNY LOOKS EITHER WAY.

SHALOM.

WHAT UP, FOOL?

MAZEL-TOV.

WHAT'S POPPING?

OK. ALL RIGHT. GO AND SIT DOWN.

HEY, BRO, YOU DIDN'T SEE ME HERE.

I DIDN'T SEE YOU HERE.

AND NOW WE WELCOME ZEV MORDECHAI SPIEGELMAN

TO JOIN THE COVENANT WITH GOD

AS JEWISH SONS HAVE DONE SINCE THE TIME OF ABRAHAM.

WE ARE BLESSED HERE TODAY

TO HAVE 3 GENERATIONS OF SPIEGELMANS

TO SHARE IN THIS MOST HOLY TRADITION.

AND AS WE PASS ZEV FROM FATHER TO SON TO GRANDFATHER,

WE CELEBRATE GOD'S ETERNAL COMMITMENT

TO THE CHILDREN OF ISRAEL.

THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

FATHER-SON STUFF GETS ME EVERY TIME.

YEAH, IT'S VERY TOUCHING. JUST BUCKLE UP

AND KEEP YOUR EYES ON LITTLE ZEV'S SCHMECKLE.

MAY ALL WHO PRAY HERE TODAY

BE WITNESS TO HIS INFINITE DIVINE GRACE.

[SPEAKING YIDDISH] AND WE ALL SAY OMEYN.

OMEYN. OMEYN. OMEYN.

HALLELUJAH! PRAISE JESUS!

I'LL TELL HIM LATER.

THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING

I'VE EVER BEEN A PART OF.

I WANT TO GO NEXT.

WHAT?

AND NOW...

FOR THE BIG MOMENT.

OH, HELL, NO!

WAY TO SELL IT, ZEV.

♪ MATCHMAKER, MATCHMAKER, MAKE ME A MATCH ♪

♪ FIND ME A FIND, CATCH ME A CATCH ♪

♪ MATCHMAKER, MATCHMAKER, LOOK IN YOUR BOOK ♪

♪ AND FIND ME A PERFECT MATCH ♪

♪ OH, MAMA, SEND ME A SCHOLAR ♪

♪ FOR PAPA, MAKE HIM RICH AS A KING ♪

♪ FOR ME, WELL, I WOULDN'T HOLLER ♪

♪ IF HE WERE AS HANDSOME AS ANYTHING ♪

WE'RE NOT GOING.

WHY NOT?

THE PICNIC IS OFF BECAUSE THERE'S NO CIRCUMCISION.

THAT'S RIGHT, NOBODY'S DOING NOTHING NICE FOR NOBODY.

WHAT DID YOU DO?

WHY ARE YOU WEARING A YARMULKE?

HUH?

I...HELLO. I AM WEARING A YARMULKE

BECAUSE IT IS ROSH HALLIS HALLEL BAGEL DAY.

THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT.

IT'S JEWISH HALLOWEEN, JOY. IT'S REAL. LOOK IT UP.

"THE SPIEGELMAN BRIS."

YOU TOOK HIM TO A BRIS?

I--

OOH, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN WHAT THEY DID TO LITTLE ZEV.

HE WAS JUST A BABY!

HOW COULD YOU STOOP SO LOW?

I DIDN'T STOOP, JOY. IN MY TIME OF NEED,

I TURNED TO GOD, AND GOD DELIVERED,

BECAUSE, AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT,

HE HATES MUSICALS, TOO.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

COME IN.

HEY, THERE.

HEY, TINA.

JUST HERE TO DROP OFF MY LITTLE BABY.

GREAT.

THERE YOU GO.

OH, I'M SORRY.

DID I INTERRUPT YOUR BUFFET FOR 8?

YOU WANT SOME?

OH, NO. MY DIET ALLOWS 1,400 CALORIES A DAY.

AND THANKS TO BREAKFAST AND MY CAR SNACK,

I'M ON GUM AND WATER TILL SUNDAY.

LISTEN, THIS WASN'T ALL FOR ME.

EDDIE AND I WERE SUPPOSED TO GO

TO THIS BROADWAY SHOW PICNIC THING,

AND THEN YOUR EX-HUSBAND CANCELLED HIS CIRCUMCISION,

AND BANG, IT'S OFF.

I'M SORRY? MY EX-HUSBAND IS GETTING CIRCUMCISED?

HE'S GETTING KIND OF SERIOUS WITH THIS GIRL,

AND SHE ASKED HIM TO GET CIRCUMCISED.

KENNY IS SEEING SOMEONE?

YEAH. OH, SORRY. I DIDN'T THINK THAT YOU'D CARE.

OH, NO, I DON'T CARE.

IT'S JUST THAT I'VE BEEN ASKING HIM FOR YEARS

TO TAKE HIS JUNK TO THE TAILOR.

WELL, DON'T WORRY. HE'S NOT DOING IT FOR HER EITHER.

HE CHICKENED OUT.

HMM. WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD,

BECAUSE THAT AND SOMETHING IN HIS WALLET

BESIDES STAMPS AND CONDOMS

MIGHT GET HIM A SECOND CHANCE AT THIS.

REALLY?

INTERESTING.

NICE CHATTING WITH YOU.

OH, KENNY.

HEY.

WHAT'S UP, JOY?

WELL, DON'T TELL ANYONE I TOLD YOU THIS,

ESPECIALLY NOT EDDIE,

BUT IF YOU GET YOUR LITTLE PROCEDURE DONE,

THERE IS A CERTAIN LADY WHO MIGHT BE INTERESTED

IN GETTING WITH YOU SEXUALLY.

I'M REALLY FLATTERED, JOY. I REALLY AM.

YOU'RE A FANTASTIC LADY.

NO, NOT ME. TINA.

I REALLY THINK THAT TINA WOULD

GIVE YOU ANOTHER SHOT IF YOU DID THIS THING.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? SHE HATES ME WITH A PASSION.

AND THERE. THERE IS THE KEY WORD--

PASSION,

BECAUSE IF A WOMAN HATES A MAN THAT MUCH,

THERE IS A LOVE UNDERNEATH.

IS THAT HOW IT IS WITH YOU AND EDDIE?

SURE. WHY NOT?

LET ME BOTTOM-LINE THIS FOR YOU.

YOU GET CIRCUMCISED, YOU GET TINA.

I HEARD THAT. I HEARD THAT.

HEY, PIPE DOWN. HE'S DOING THIS.

TINA WANTS HIM THAT WAY.

OH, YOU WENT TO THE EX-WIFE. OH, THAT IS LOW.

YOU TOOK HIM TO A BRIS.

YEAH, YOU'RE DARN RIGHT I DID,

AND IT SCARED HIM TO DEATH.

WELL, HE'S NOT SCARED ANYMORE.

WELL, HE SHOULD BE. LISTEN TO ME.

YOU WANT TO END UP LIKE LITTLE ZEV,

SWADDLED IN A BLANKET, SCREAMING AT YOUR NANA'S BOSOM

AS PEOPLE ARE STANDING AROUND YOU LAUGHING

AND EATING KUGEL?

KENNY, DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.

HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU.

HE IS JUST USING YOU

TO GET OUT OF TAKING ME TO MUSICALS.

YEAH? WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? SHE IS DOING THE SAME THING.

SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU AND TINA. SHE DOESN'T.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHAT ARE YOU GUYS...

WE HAD A DEAL THAT IF YOU DIDN'T GET CIRCUMCISED,

I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE HER TO MUSICALS.

YOU GUYS SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES,

USING ME TO SETTLE YOUR MARITAL SQUABBLES.

I'M NOT GONNA DO THIS FOR YOU,

AND I'M NOT GONNA NOT DO IT FOR YOU,

AND I'M CERTAINLY NOT GONNA DO IT FOR MY EX-WIFE.

I'M DOING THIS THING FOR ME

AND A SWEET LITTLE GIRL NAMED ANGIE

WHO LOVES ME FOR WHO I AM.

WELL, 99% OF WHO I AM.

WHAT'S UP, ANGIE? I JUST CALLED TO LET YOU KNOW

THAT MONDAY MORNING, I'M GOING TO HAVE

A CERTAIN PART OF ME REMOVED PER YOUR REQUEST.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?

UH-HUH.

MM-HMM.

UH-HUH.

OK. GOOD-BYE.

WHEW.

WHAT HAPPENED?

HA. SHE DUMPED ME.

TURNS OUT IT WASN'T ABOUT LITTLE KENNY.

SHE JUST DIDN'T LIKE ME.

SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU JUST GOT THE "IT'S NOT YOUR PENIS,

IT'S YOU" SPEECH?

WE'RE SORRY, KENNY.

YEAH. WE...WE TOOK SOMETHING THAT WAS PERSONAL TO YOU,

AND WE USED IT FOR OUR BENEFIT.

AND THAT WAS NOT RIGHT.

IT WAS TOTALLY WRONG.

THANKS, GUYS. I APPRECIATE THAT.

SO...

AM I GOING TO HAVE TO GO TO A MUSICAL?

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU TAKE YOUR TIME.

THAT IS A BIG DECISION FOR... ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE.

BUT IF WE'RE GONNA MAKE THE CURTAIN,

WE GOT TO LEAVE IN, LIKE, 10 MINUTES.

WE SHOULD KNOW SOON.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE MAKING ME GO TO THIS.

HEY, YOU'RE THE REASON WHY I'M HERE.

YOU'RE GOING TO SUFFER RIGHT ALONG WITH ME.

AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

THIS IS GOING TO HURT ONLY SLIGHTLY LESS

THAN WHAT YOU'RE HAVING DONE MONDAY.

THERE IS NO PLACE TO SIT.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT. THIS IS CRAZY. LET'S GO.

NO. EDDIE, COME ON. WE CAN GO RIGHT THERE.

OK. JUST HOP OVER THAT...

EXCUSE ME. SORRY.

EXCUSE ME.

COULD WE, UM... RIGHT THERE. YEAH.

DOWN IN FRONT!

SORRY. SORRY.

OH, EDDIE!

MY EYES! COME ON, MAN.

BEACH BLANKET. SORRY.

WELL, I'D LIKE TO-- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OK.

WHAT, ARE YOU BREAK-DANCING?

JUST SIT.

OH! LOOK.

DR. SEAVER IS GONNA SING.

YES, PHILADELPHIA.

LET'S SEE WHO'S READY TO GET OUR YIDDISH ON.

I SAY OY, YOU SAY VEY.

OY!

OY!

WE DON'T NEED THAT PART.

♪ IF I WERE A RICH MAN ♪

[SINGING]

WE'LL BUILD ON THAT.

♪ I'D WORK ALL DAY IN THE BITTY-BITTY-BUM ♪

♪ IF I WERE A WEALTHY MAN ♪

♪ I WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORK HARD ♪

[SINGING]

♪ IF I WERE A BITTY-BITTY-RICH ♪

♪ YIDDLE-DIDLE-DIDDLE-DIDLE MAN ♪

♪ I'D BUILD A BIG, TALL HOUSE ♪

♪ WITH ROOMS BY THE DOZEN ♪

♪ IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TOWN ♪

♪ STAIRWAYS REACHING NOWHERE JUST FOR SHOW ♪

♪ AYE, IF I WERE A RICH MAN ♪

IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN, BUDDY.

♪ IF I WERE A RICH MAN ♪

COME ON. I WENT TO A LOT OF TROUBLE

DRESSING AS A JEWISH FARMER HERE.

THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS SING ALONG TO THE CHORUS.

HELP ME OUT. HERE WE GO.

♪ I WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORK HARD ♪

LOOK AT THIS FACE. I'M NOT SINGING.

WELL, I'M NOT LEAVING TILL YOU DO.

THEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE HERE

UNTIL YOU GROW A REAL BEARD.

LOOK, DOUCHE... I NEED THIS GIG.

YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO HEAR HIM SING.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT QUALITY, MA'AM.

IT'S ABOUT EFFORT. OK, TOUGH GUY,

YOU WANT TO DROP THE CRACKERS AND SING ALONG,

OR DO YOU WANT ME TO CANCEL THIS WHOLE PRODUCTION?

I'LL SHUT IT DOWN. I WILL.

YOUR CALL.

I'LL SEE YOU IN THE PARKING LOT, ASS FACE.

♪ IF I WERE A RICH MAN ♪

[SINGING]

♪ I'D WORK ALL DAY ♪

[SINGING]

♪ IF I WERE A WEALTHY MAN ♪

[CHEERING]