Original subtitles

E

Eve

Every

Every t

Every tim

Every time

Every time I

Every time I zi

Every time I zig,

Every time I zig, y

Every time I zig, you

Every time I zig, you z

Every time I zig, you zag

♪ I like coffee Tea's your bag

♪ Though it makes no sense It's true

♪ There's no me without you ♪

JOY: 'Til Death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

What is up with you?

I thought it was a perfectly delightful auction!

Okay, you know what? I can deal with you

bidding on the 25-pound wheel of cheese,

but putting me in the back so it can ride shotgun?

Not cool.

Don't be offended. I just wanted to make sure the cheese had an air bag.

That's great. Seriously.

Cheese does not know how to brace itself for a collision.

You do.

All I know is the Woodcocks

won a night downtown with dinner and theater tickets

and a night at a trendy hotel.

Meanwhile, I don't know which one of us gets to

sleep next to you tonight.

Come on, you know our bed is way too warm for cheese.

Honey, look, I don't think you really appreciate what this is here.

Now, come on, feel it. Rub your hand along

the waxy protective coating.

Imagine the creamy tenderness within.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. And then, imagine the balloon procedure

you're going to have after consuming all of that.

Don't listen to her. You and I are gonna have a lot of fun.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

You know what? Call me old-fashioned, but I always thought

you'd leave me for another woman.

(LAUGHING)

Hey. Hey.

So listen, when we got home,

we looked at our calendar and realized

my sisters are coming to visit next weekend,

so we can't use our night out downtown

and we wanted to offer it to you guys.

Wow, that's great... No, thank you.

Could you clarify what you have

against a night downtown and tickets to a show?

Honey, I hate musicals, you know that.

I mean, do you ever really believe

that the male lead likes girls?

Come on.

We would love it. Thank you very much.

Let me give you some money. How much did you guys pay for that?

Oh, no, no, don't worry about it. It was our dumb mistake.

It's for the school anyway. You can just have it.

Wow, that's incredibly sweet.

Take our cheese, as a token.

That is awesome.

You know, I've been eyeing this cheese all night.

(CHUCKLES) Whoa, whoa, hey, hey. What just happened?

That's okay. I don't know if we have room for it in our fridge.

(STUTTERING) Steph, are you kidding? We'll make room.

What about all my batteries?

Batteries don't have to be refrigerated!

Oh, and your microbiotic shampoo does?

That stuff contains living yeast cultures.

It's alive, Steph!

And my alopecia would be running wild without it!

Eddie, just give them the cheese.

You know what? I don't want to.

Please, don't worry about it.

Give them the cheese.

But I love it.

All right, here. Just take it.

(EXCLAIMING) But if I hear that

any of that ended up on top of a salad,

everyone's in trouble. Everyone.

EDDIE: (EXCLAIMS) How fantastic was that meal, huh?

I know! Chocolate mousse with cayenne pepper.

(CHUCKLES) Is it chocolaty? Is it spicy?

It's both, you kooky chef!

Oh, I wish you could have seen how on I was

tonight at intermission.

The guy at the urinal next to me, he laughed so hard,

he broke stream three times!

(LAUGHS) I'm sure you were funny, babe.

You know what, I have to tell you.

At first I was dreading this evening, but I have to say

it's turned out pretty amazing.

It sure has.

(SAXOPHONE PLAYING)

I love you.

I love you, too.

Did you hear that?

We just said "I love you"

and neither of us was being wheeled into minor surgery.

(LAUGHING) I know.

Dare I say that there was something magical

happening to us tonight?

(CHUCKLING) We're a half an hour away from home and somehow

we've been transformed.

I mean, look at me. I haven't worn this outfit in years.

In the suburbs, I would just look like a prostitute.

You would! You look incredibly slutty!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

And maybe later in the hotel, I'll throw you a freebie.

Oh, that's good. 'Cause I don't have that kind of cash on me.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Honey, wait a second.

Maybe someday, you know, when you're done teaching,

we don't need that big house to take care of.

We should buy an apartment down here.

But why would we do that?

Well, just think about it. How great it would be.

We can walk to restaurants,

we can go to theater. I mean, look at us tonight.

We can have a great life downtown.

Oh, I couldn't live in the city.

I mean, there are more Chihuahuas here than people!

You can't even go grocery shopping!

You can only take two bags

and you gotta wheel it home in one of those little carts.

No, no, no, that's old lady stuff!

Okay, wait. So, you can't even discuss the idea of moving?

What could we even afford downtown? A box. A box, Joy!

You know I can't go to the bathroom

when I'm just a couple of inches away from you.

I need a one-room buffer zone!

I can't believe how stubborn you're being about this!

But you're not even making any sense!

Do you realize we couldn't even fit our sectional into an apartment?

Okay, there are these things, I don't know if you've heard of them,

they are called furniture stores.

We could actually buy a new couch.

Okay, you are now officially insane.

It's taken countless hours of watching Shawshank Redemption

to mold that couch to my ass.

We're just gonna throw that all away?

Are you so afraid of change you're not even willing

to entertain the idea of something new and exciting?

I'm not afraid. We already have a home,

and it's perfectly lovely.

Okay, so that's it? Just no?

I'm gonna have to die in that house?

"That house"? That's our house!

You're gonna die in that house,

I'm gonna die in that house and we're gonna like it!

You know what? I can't... I have to be alone.

Okay? I will meet you in the hotel. What...

Taxi! Wait...

Well, what about the hotel sex?

(LAUGHING)

(CONTINUES PLAYING)

You're really in your own little world, aren't you?

So you didn't even get hotel sex?

Nope. Too bad.

I love me my hotel sex.

If you focus on the strange furniture and nothing else,

it's almost like having an affair.

Yeah, well, it didn't happen.

So, what was this big fight about?

(SIGHS) All right, well, it...

Cheese me, Heidi.

Try it with some pear.

Just the cheese, please.

All right, well, it actually at first was a...

Really a magical night.

And then, we start walking back to the hotel

and Joy brings up the idea of us moving to the city someday,

to which I say, "No way in hell,"

to which she gives me a rather graphic hand gesture.

Long story short, no boom boom for the big man.

And all this was over moving into the city someday?

Yeah. You lost out on glorious,

dirty hotel sex because of a hypothetical fight?

About something that is not happening now,

and probably never will?

I gather you think I made a poor decision.

That I do.

She cornered me. I had to stake my claim!

But anything could happen in the future.

You could get divorced.

I could support myself with my Irish dancing.

Look, Ed, I know you like to be right all the time,

but in a hypothetical fight,

all you ever have to do is say yes to whatever.

Yes gets you sex!

No gets you no sex

and a room full of dudes eating cheese.

Hey, I've only been married one year and even I know that.

Say, it's like me and Steph had this big fight one night

over what to name our kids.

She is all into Gaylord.

Like I'm going to really name my kid Gaylord.

Gaylord Woodcock.

She's really not leaving anything to chance, is she?

But I realized, we are not having kids for years.

So, I said yes. I got all the points for being a great guy

and I'll fight that stupid-ass name

when she's all drugged up in the hospital.

Hey, Todd, you agree with this? Oh, yeah.

My wife thinks her mother's moving in with us when she gets old.

That woman's either dying before or on the way to my house.

Really. So, I'm just supposed to give in?

When it's all hypothetical, just be the hero

and throw your lady a yes'm.

(DRAWER RATTLING)

Hello.

(PANTING)

You know, this drawer is doing that thing where it sticks again.

But I guess I'm gonna have to get used to it because

I'm gonna be here for the rest of my life, which actually

isn't going to be that long because when I do get it open,

I'm gonna stab myself with the first knife I see.

You know, apropos to that,

I've been doing some thinking about this downtown thing.

And maybe, much like our faulty drawer,

I, too, may get stuck in my ways.

You know, you're the one with the vision, Joy.

You're the one who said we should carpet the basement.

And I fought you.

Oh, I fought you like an angry monkey.

But you were right

and I'll be damned if you're not right about this.

So let's do it!

Let's move downtown. Someday!

Really? Are you serious?

Absolutely! The big city someday!

But what about all that stuff about this being our home?

Oh, honey, you know what?

I realized that any place is our home as long as it has you

and my shower chair.

Oh, honey, I know that you're always a little afraid of change,

but this is gonna be so great for us.

It's gonna be like chapter two of our relationship.

Well, baby, if chapter two is anything like chapter one, I can't wait.

(LAUGHING) Not that crazy about chapter three,

'cause that's probably where one of us dies.

(SIGHS) Oh, my God, I'm so excited about this!

I mean, there's so much that we can do down there.

We can join the art museum

and they're always having those jazz cocktail hours.

And we can go to film festivals.

And we can run up and down the Rocky steps, over and over again!

Uh-huh.

Oh, baby, I'm so sorry that we got into such a big fight over this.

Oh, me, too. But we are gonna be living downtown,

laughing about this fight someday.

(LAUGHING)

In the meantime, I believe I owe you some hotel sex.

Really. And how do we exactly replicate the hotel aspect of the sex?

Well, here's what we are going to do. Yes.

We are going to turn off the lights

and do what we need to do and then, every ten minutes,

I'm gonna knock on the wall, and yell, "Housekeeping!"

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I'm gonna put on my fluffy robe.

(EXCLAIMING)

Hey, you.

(CHUCKLING)

Hey, you.

Would it be inappropriate to send you a thank you note

for your craftsmanship in the bedroom last night?

(LAUGHING)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hey, can I come in kind of quick?

What's happening? I need to get this

the hell out of my life.

Jeff's in the shower.

When he gets out, I'm telling him a neighbor's dog

ran into the kitchen, ate it and ran off to die in a distant field.

Okay, that's not a good story.

It is if you people back me up!

Okey-dokey.

Hello, old friend.

I'm gonna put you on a donut.

Okay, I have about seven minutes while Jeff does his mud mask.

So tell me, how was the night out downtown?

Oh, it turned out really great.

In fact, don't get too used to us as neighbors,

because we're actually thinking of moving down there.

In a magical time called, "Someday."

Oh, really? Wow, we would miss you guys!

We would miss you so much.

You know, it's funny you're bringing this up,

because a girlfriend of mine from yoga is a realtor for this big condo complex

they're building downtown.

What? What?

Yeah, it's not gonna be ready for years,

but she said if you get in before they break ground,

you can get an amazing deal.

They're showing model units this weekend.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, my God, is this a sign or what?

Eddie, we got to check that out.

Yeah, yeah. We gotta.

Thank you for telling us about this great opportunity.

Hey, asses.

(EXCLAIMING) What's that about?

Well, I took your advice about how to handle my hypothetical problem

and I told Joy that we would be moving to the city someday

and then your wife comes over

and tells her about this great hot condo deal

and now I'm actually moving downtown. Asses!

It sounds like your hypothetical problem is no longer hypothetical.

Wow, how did your glorious brain

get wasted teaching dodge ball?

Hmm. I did not see this coming.

Is that my cheese?

No, it's mine.

Some crazy dog ate your cheese.

So, Joy talked to this realtor

and it turns out that we're touring this model apartment tomorrow.

What am I gonna do?

I really don't know.

Hello! This possibility didn't occur to any one of you?

Well, to be honest, I wasn't really listening that hard.

I was kind of thinking about what I was gonna have for dinner.

I'm gonna have to live in the city!

Do you think this body could climb down a fire escape?

I'm gonna burn, boys! I'm gonna burn hard!

Ended up going with beef stew.

And, you. Me?

Yes, you. Steph just had

to give us the big fancy night downtown

and Steph had to tell Joy about the condo deal.

You know what? This is your cheese and it's delicious.

Oh, look at this.

(SCOFFS) There's phone pads in the hallway

and mini-pencils. Look at this.

"The Towers at Boathouse Row"! How cool is that?

We could be living in a building with their own mini-pencils!

(EXCLAIMS) I can finally write my tiny novel.

So, listen. The woman that I talked to said that

these units were 80 percent sold,

so we have to be prepared to move.

I brought the checkbook! Oh, you did?

You crazy kid. Give me that!

Is everything okay? Yeah.

Yeah, everything is great.

It's just, you know, being downtown, the energy,

I'm all hopped up.

What is it about being in the city that brings out such honesty?

I feel like I could tell you anything!

Like, I don't want to live in the city!

Wait, what? You said that you loved this idea.

Yeah, I know, honey. But you said we would do it someday.

Not now, you see.

"Someday" has that nice, implied "never" going for it.

Where now is really, really soon.

So, basically, you never wanted to move here.

That is correct. You just made me think

that you would move, so I'd get all fancy on you in the bedroom?

(STUTTERS) How dare you! Yes.

Nipple and hair! Nipple and hair!

Hi, Randy, I spoke to you earlier. Mmm-hmm.

Joy and Eddie Stark. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Hello. Welcome, welcome.

So this is our one-bedroom model

and I'm happy to say, demand has been so great,

we're already selling units in Building 7. So...

(JOY EXCLAIMS) Let me show you around a little bit.

Granite countertops are standard,

as are top of the line stainless steel appliances.

Here's a feature that I love.

(WHIRRING)

It's a plasma.

Could you do that again?

Sure.

And once more, if you would.

(RANDY CHUCKLES)

So, Randy? Yes.

This is the living- dining-kitchen area. Yes.

What is this big area right here?

Oh, that unit is on our premiere level.

It's a little bit more pricey. It's one-four.

One-four? Like one-four thousand?

(LAUGHS)

You're funny. 1.4 million.

Did you want to see it?

My husband found that jacket. What do you think?

Well, I know that it's not huge,

but all of our buildings have a lot of common space.

A rec room, gym, movie nights.

(EXCLAIMS) And the Flanigan's chain is putting in

a flagship restaurant on the ground floor.

So I hope you don't mind the smell of potato skins

wafting into your apartment.

Oh, my God.

I'm gonna let the two of you just poke around a little bit

and then I can answer any of your questions.

(EXCLAIMS) Thank you.

I have to tell you, I haven't flip-flopped like this

since I changed my stance on Sandra Bullock.

Honey, you were right. I love this place.

It's tiny, I hate it. Let's go.

No, no, wait. Honey, wait, wait, wait.

How come all of a sudden you're jumping off board here?

Don't you understand? We will be living directly on top

of a festive chain restaurant!

You know how I've always dreamed about a place

where I could run my own tab.

"Oh, hi, Flanigan's, it's me."

(CHUCKLING)

That's ridiculous.

We're not gonna base our decision about where we live

on potato skins! Why not?

Potato skins make me happy!

You know what would make me happy?

Leaving here and going to get a coffee drink with booze in it.

Joy, I want to do this!

What, no! I'm putting my foot down.

Oh, she put her foot down.

Heads up, brother, her foot is down.

Any questions?

We're gonna have to take a minute to think about it.

Yes, we want to put in a down payment.

Outside!

EDDIE: Okay, so let me get this straight.

When you say yes and I say no, it happens,

but if I say yes and you say no, it's off, huh?

Well, that just isn't fair!

Well, you know what? Life's not fair, bud.

Oh, yeah. You want to know what else isn't fair?

I'm three feet taller than you,

so I'm gonna write a down payment check

way up here!

Don't do that.

That's right. Oh, yes, I am.

Julius Irving...

(WHOOPS)

...Property Group.

You can't keep your hands up there all day, Eddie.

Oh, really? Well, I once spent an entire summer in high school

feeding giraffes at the zoo and those suckers eat constantly.

Give me that! The big city!

Seriously, stop it!

I'm serious.

(PANTING)

I walked into that place, and, I mean, sure it was sleek

and it was cool and everything, but

it wasn't our scratched up kitchen table that

we have coffee at every morning.

And it wasn't our annoying, broken silverware drawer.

And it certainly wasn't our big, beige

sectional couch that's not only molded to your ass,

but my ass as well.

We made those dents together.

That's what matters.

(EXHALES)

I'm sorry, you were right.

That's our home.

Come on, baby, let's go home.

Yeah, but the pretty plasma went up and down and up and down.

Oh, my God. Our car.

They took our radio.

I hate downtown!

Thank you.

I feel so violated.

Let's get the hell out of here.

Come on, let's go home.

Oh, my God! They stole my cheese!

What the hell was the cheese doing in the car?

Well, I had 18 pounds left and it was starting to turn,

so I travel with it to maximize my intake.

Oh, my God.

All right, you know what?

You drive, because I'm gonna keep my eyes peeled

for some punks eating cheese.