Original subtitles

(JINGLE PLAYING)

♪ Every time I zig, you zag

♪ I like coffee, tea's your bag

♪ Though it makes no sense, it's true

♪ There's no me without you ♪

JOY: 'Til Death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Three feet. Two feet.

One foot.

You're good.

(GRUNTING)

Door won't open. Okay, look,

you gotta push just right below the handle there.

Below the handle. You gotta push and pull at the same time.

How's a man supposed to push and pull at the same time?

I might as well be doing nothing.

All right, you know, let me get it.

(GRUNTING)

You know what?

A lot of you is in my no dude zone.

You know what?

I'm going out Dukes of Hazzard style. Let me do this.

All right, easy.

(GRUNTING)

(THUDDING)

That is not as easy as it looks on television.

Well, she's back.

The car that bought me a boat.

Yeah. How you doing, Sid?

Good. What's wrong with her this time, Eddie?

What isn't wrong with her?

The dome light's flickering. The door is stuck.

And when I push her past 42,

there's a noise in the engine, it sounds like

a monkey violating a squirrel.

What about the brakes?

What's wrong with the brakes?

What's wrong with the brakes?

They don't stop the car.

All right, give me about four hours.

Check it out. I put a donut hole into a donut.

See, this is what the donut looked like before man got involved.

I can't hear a word you're saying right now.

I'm riding a pretty big sugar buzz.

You fellas interested in checking this baby out?

She's a beautiful automobile.

Yeah, well, we're here for the donut holes,

so you could save your seductively minty breath.

(LAUGHS) No problem.

You're probably looking for something more conservative anyway.

Conservative? This man turned me on to Barack Obama.

Keep your pants on, Kenny. See, she thinks if she can make me feel not hip,

that I'll buy the car to prove that I am.

No, no, wait a minute. My job is to sell you a car

that suits your lifestyle. So, let's start from there.

How old are you, about 60?

I'll take it.

(HONKING)

JOY: I know it would be cheaper

to buy a whole new dryer, but I have to talk to my husband first.

We always consult each other on big purchases.

Look, buddy, your little sales tricks

aren't going to work on this family. Okay?

We're practical and we're hard working and we spend our money wisely.

Okay, thank you.

There she is.

How'd it go getting your car fixed?

Not good, not good at all. No. We...

Problems, Joy, with the spark plugs, the break pads, flux capacitator.

I think we have to start thinking about,

I don't know, buying a new car.

Yeah, no.

(STAMMERING) What? Why not?

Well, you're going to have to put that in line

behind getting a new dryer, because ours is broken

and if I have to hang your pants out to dry

there'll be a total eclipse.

If we get a new car,

then you're going to have to sell your old car.

And remember when we tried to sell our VCR,

that weird guy stole our toilet seat and climbed out the window.

Yeah. But come on, honey,

I mean, loosen up, it's just money.

Ain't no pockets in heaven, you know.

Let's go buy a new dryer, or a car.

What is with you? Last week you punched a wall

'cause I bought pre-cut pineapple.

Honey, you know that I love you and I want you to be happy.

And there will come a time when you can get a new car.

But it's not now.

Actually, it is now.

I can't believe you bought this without asking me!

Well, I didn't officially ask you, but we discussed it.

When?

Two minutes ago, in the kitchen.

You already bought the car!

You know, it just sounds like someone's in the mood for a fight. So...

Seriously, Eddie. A red sports car?

This is a classic mid-life crisis.

Why don't you get your ear pierced and marry Calista Flockhart?

Just because I bought a red convertible,

and I happen to be in the middle of my life,

does not mean I'm having a mid-life crisis.

Joy, honey, come on, check out this high-tech dashboard.

I had it customized with all the bells and whistles.

I got the GPS, the TripStar, the Bluetooth,

and for an extra $7.50 a month, you can Wi-Fi your MyPage space.

It's MySpace page, grandpa.

Hey, you know what else?

You could actually e-mail photos right from the dashboard.

You know what else you could e-mail from the dashboard? A cry for help.

Eddie, can you even fit in this thing?

Like a glove.

(CAR BEEPING)

Vroom, vroom, vroom.

Tell you what, you teach your face how to smile, maybe you'll get a ride.

(CAR ENGINE STARTING)

Relax!

A red convertible?

Right? It's insulting.

It's worse than insulting. It's a hostile act on his part.

I mean, all he thinks about is that stupid car.

The only time he's touched me in the last week,

he ran his hand down my arm and said,

"My seats are softer than your skin."

(SIGHS)

My fourth husband did this exact same thing. Here's what you do.

(EXCLAIMS)

This is good. This is why I come to you.

Slash his tires.

Excuse me? Go in the kitchen,

get the biggest butcher knife you can find,

and shred the living hell out of those tires.

Are there leather seats?

Yeah... Listen to me.

After you do the tires, you take the knife

and you bury it into the driver's side headrest like a Colombian drug lord.

Joy. I've been trying to work out the numbers

for that Caribbean cruise package we've been working on.

I got the event coordinator on the line,

you know, the one you call "horse-face Heidi."

(LAUGHING)

Stu, you're still wearing your headset.

Stupid phone from the future!

(GRUNTS)

Come on, get your head in the game, brah!

♪ She's my cherry pie

♪ Cool drink of water Such a sweet surprise

♪ Tastes so good make a grown man cry

♪ Sweet cherry pie

♪ Well, swingin' on the front porch

♪ Swingin' on the lawn

♪ Swingin' where we want 'Cause there ain't nobody home

♪ Swingin' to the left And swingin' to the right

♪ If I think about baseball, I'll swing all night, yeah

♪ Swingin' in the living room Swingin' in the kitchen

♪ Most folks don't

♪ 'Cause they're too busy bitchin'

♪ Swingin' in there

♪ 'Cause she wanted me to feed her

♪ So I mixed up the batter And she licked the beater

♪ I scream, you scream We all scream for her

♪ Don't even try 'Cause you can't ignore her

♪ She's my cherry pie

♪ Cool drink of water Such a sweet surprise

♪ Tastes so good make a grown man cry

♪ Sweet cherry pie, oh, yeah

♪ She's my cherry pie

♪ Put a smile on your face Ten miles wide

♪ Looks so good Bring a tear to your eye

♪ Sweet cherry pie, yeah

♪ Sweet cherry pie

♪ Swing it ♪

♪ Who let them dogs out? Woof, woof, woof, woof

♪ Who let them dogs out? Woof, woof, woof, woof

♪ Who let them dogs out? Woof, woof, woof, woof

♪ Who let them dogs out? Woof, woof, woof, woof ♪

(KENNY SIGHS) You know the real question is,

who let you out?

Did you just roller skate 17 miles to my house?

Yeah, my ex-wife took my ride,

so I'm kind of in between cars right now.

But, it's all good. Beyonce needs some fresh air anyway,

so...

♪ I took my dog out Woof, woof, woof, woof

♪ I took my dog out Woof, woof, woof

♪ Who took my dog out? ♪

K-Chesty needs some new wheels, man.

And I was skating by the dealership this morning,

and I noticed that your car was on the market again.

What are you asking, if could buy my old car? Go for it.

You sure you don't mind? Why would I mind?

You guys were together a long time, man,

and we're friends, you know what I'm saying?

I don't want to move in on your old hoopty, man,

and there's some kind of weirdness going on between me and you.

No, trust me. If there's any weirdness going on,

it's because you're wearing a Chihuahua.

All right, so we cool, right?

We're cool.

(CROWS CAWING)

Oh, crap, the crows are back.

(SHOOING)

Get away!

(HISSING)

You should've seen him with his short-shorts

and his soap and his sponges.

I felt like I was watching an old Wham! video.

Here's what you do.

You get your own soap and your own sponges,

and then you find a Latin man with a ponytail

and ride him like a dirt bike.

Did they do a background check on you?

Well, you better do something to turn his head,

or the next thing you know, a private dick will be showing you

8 by 10 glossies of that car pulling into a motel

with the 20-year-old yoga instructor

who is dying to teach him downward dog.

You're right. But what am I gonna do, start dating someone?

I mean, do I literally have to

parade a guy in front of his face to get his attention?

(THUDDING)

(EXCLAIMS)

JOY: Uh...

Hey, Stu, how's it going?

Uh, super not good.

I was trying to photocopy my face for a party invite.

I forgot to close my eyes.

Oh. Well, I hope that party's not tomorrow night,

'cause I just got off the phone with corporate,

and they are anxious for us to finish that cruise package.

Ah! Damn it! Being an executive is so hard!

I should've joined the Army, then I'd be home now.

(SIGHING) Yeah, I'm not happy about it either.

But, um... Well, here's an idea.

We don't have to finish it here at the office,

maybe we could do it at my place.

Your place?

Yeah.

It will be totally cash, you know,

you could wear some tight pants and a tight little shirt and shave your chest.

I don't know, whatever.

(WHIRRING)

♪ I'll tell you what I want What I really, really want

♪ So tell me what you want What you really, really want

♪ I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna

♪ Really, really, really wanna zig-a-zig, ah

(CAR HONKS) ♪ If you wanna be my lover

♪ You gotta get with my friends

(CAR HONKS) ♪ Make it last forever

♪ Friendship never ends

(ALARM SOUNDING)

♪ If you wanna be my lover... ♪

WOMAN: Mr. Stark?

Who's that? Who's talking?

This is Judy from TripStar.

I see your car alarm has been activated. Is everything okay?

Um, I don't know. How poisonous is wiper fluid?

Just try to calm down and tell me what's happening.

Okay, well, I was going to Winky Mart

to pick up some orange juice and the car tried to kill me.

That's what's happening.

Okay, I'm just gonna need you to hit the reset button.

Oh, God! What is it?

I think I accidentally activated my seat heater.

It's okay, Mr. Stark, I'm going to reset your onboard computer right now.

Okay, well, please hurry! It's roasting my kielbasa!

That's too much information, sir.

All right, listen, you gotta help me, Judy.

Please don't let me die at Winky Mart.

(CAR ALARM STOPS)

God bless you, Judy from TripStar.

(LOUD HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Every time you see me as I roll on by

♪ Homies looking on, the ladies saying hi

♪ Y'all know that I run the street

♪ I'm setting land speed records

♪ Y'all got two left feet

♪ Fresh paint, leather, chrome and wax

♪ I've got the baddest little ride on this side of the tracks

♪ I keep my seat down low I keep my head up high

♪ I got some girlies in the back

♪ And ain't none of them shy

♪ It's the same story every night and day

♪ We be maxing out the booty, no work, all play

♪ When your whip's this fly and you all of this cash

♪ You got the angels on the stick and you still won't crash

♪ Tweeters in the dash and the sub in the trunk ♪

(LAUGHING)

What's up, player? Remember your old car?

You pimped my ride. She's beautiful.

(LAUGHS)

What do you got going on there, dragons?

Yeah. Yeah, I should've thought of that.

Those spinning hubcaps are cool.

Looks like the car's moving when it's not.

I like that.

So do we.

"We"?

(KENNY LAUGHS)

Eddie, you know Marla, she lives down the street from you?

Yes, I think we had a moment the other day when I was washing my car.

This ring a bell?

I remember the car.

You will never guess what Marla named her dog.

(MARLA GIGGLES)

Jay-Z.

Look at that. Beyonce and Jay-Z.

It's a doggy date.

Listen, Marla, if you ever want to take a spin in the roadster,

you know where I live.

Yeah, that's okay, I know what it's like.

My mom has one.

Wow. She must be a very cool lady.

She's okay.

Okay, we rolling, man. Be good.

It was nice meeting you, sir.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Uh-oh!

Oh, God!

(GRUNTING)

Engage roof! Engage roof!

Come on! Come on, roof! Come on!

Come on!

Ow, ow!

It's got my hair! It's got my hair!

Judy! Judy!

Can I go home now? My brain is full.

No, I think we should go over this itinerary one more time.

Oh, man. My dog is so pooping in my kitchen right now.

(CAR APPROACHING)

You're right, we're done. But before you go...

(SIGHING) Let's celebrate.

Here you go.

Here is to a long, hard week.

(LAUGHING)

Stu, you are so funny.

What'd I do?

Oh, hey, Eddie. I didn't expect you home so soon.

Stu and I were, we were just doing a little work.

Joy, can I talk to you for a minute, please?

Excuse me, Stu.

Listen, I'm sorry I've been acting like such an ass

these last couple of days.

Yes, you have. Here, sit down.

You know, sometimes in life, the thing you love the most

you take for granted. And I guess what I'm trying to say is,

I've never really appreciated my old car.

Eddie? Look around you.

Romantic lighting and wine and another man, I mean...

Don't you see what is going on here?

Not really.

I'm kind of lost, too.

Doesn't it look like someone is having an affair?

What?

What?

Not a real affair. I staged all this

and I used Stu to make it look like I was having an affair.

Wait. So none of this is real?

You mean, the last eight weeks of my life have been a charade?

The interview, the computer, the awesome desk.

No, Stu, the job is real.

I'm just talking about the last 90 minutes.

Don't you see what you are doing to me?

What did I do?

Ever since you bought that stupid car, it's as if I am invisible.

But I guess that's something that I'm going to have to get used to

for the rest of my life, you getting shiny new objects

'cause you don't want to focus on your boring, old wife.

So, do I show up to work tomorrow or...

Yes, Stu, you will come to work tomorrow.

I'm so sorry about all of this.

See you tomorrow.

Oh, can I get the laptop?

No.

All right, listen honey, I'm sorry all this happened.

(SIGHS) You know, it's not fun

feeling like you can be replaced by a car.

All right, look, listen, Joy, look at me.

Look at me. I am so lucky to have you.

You are the most beautiful, passionate,

smartest lady in the world.

There is not a car out there that can ever replace you.

Certainly not one in my price range.

That's all you needed to say. Was that so hard?

Mmm!

I'm sorry that you miss your old car.

Hey, it's all right. What's done is done, huh?

Well, we could take her for one last spin.

How's that?

You never gave Kenny the extra key.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

EDDIE: I gotta tell you, it feels good to be back.

You don't think we should have told Kenny what we did, huh?

It's all right. We'll have her back before he even knows she's gone.

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

(SIGHS)

Should I pull over or do you want to be on the news?