Original subtitles

(JINGLE PLAYING)

STEPH: 'Til Death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Hey.

What's going on?

Just freshening up the old yapper.

What?

Pretty fast and loose with the floss there, Mrs. Rockefeller.

Hey, what do you want to do for our anniversary?

Oh, my gosh, is it a year already?

Mmm-hmm. Oh.

That means I'm due for another colonoscopy.

Wow. That was a quick trip from our anniversary to a camera up your keister.

So what do you want to do?

I don't have a choice, I'm just gonna have to stay loose

and take it like a man.

I meant for our anniversary, Jethro.

I don't know. Why don't we just, you know, do the usual thing?

Have dinner at Mario's.

Yeah, Mario's is nice, but we always get that waiter Giancarlo

who hits on me when you go to the bathroom.

Giancarlo hits on me when you go to the bathroom.

Two-timer.

Hey, you know what? Let's just do the romantic thing.

We'll just stay at home, you'll make a nice table, whip me up something special, huh?

So your big idea is I cook you dinner?

Yeah. And then, I'll take you upstairs and reward you sexually.

(LAUGHING)

Or...

Let me throw this out there. I mean, what if,

and I know this sounds crazy, but what if

we take the anniversary off the table?

I'm listening.

I mean, come on, think about it.

Every year we try to come up with something big and special

to commemorate our marriage. I mean, it's 22 years already.

What are we trying to prove?

You know, I have to tell you, my first instinct is to pump my fist and go, "Whoo-hoo!"

But I'm a little scared.

I mean, society puts this enormous pressure on us

to focus on one day

that we have to show our love for each other. It's ridiculous.

It's more than ridiculous. It's unnatural.

I mean, they don't celebrate anniversaries in the animal kingdom.

You know how a zebra knows he had a good anniversary?

He didn't get eaten.

We should love each other every day.

Not just the day that the calendar says we should.

I would follow you into hell right now.

Eddie, let's do this.

Let's not celebrate our anniversary.

Done. But... But you're sure?

I mean, I just want to make sure that, you know, as a couple

we don't have to celebrate anything on that day.

I mean, if I want to, I can just go watch a Sixers game at Kenny's, right?

You out of the house for a whole evening? Happy anniversary to me!

Ooh! Okay, this is big. Now, where do we stand on presents?

I say no presents.

You just saved me a trip to the dollar store.

Oh, what a relief. I have to tell you, you have no idea

how hard it is for me to pretend that I know what kind of crap you like.

(LAUGHING) Not as hard as it is for me to pretend to like the crap you give me.

Okay.

So, all right, so, we're doing this?

We are so doing this.

Okay, it's decided. Wednesday is just another day.

Thursday, and, yes.

Happy just Thursday.

And to you, my unnaturally tall life partner.

So, what are you gonna do tonight?

I'm just gonna hang out with Steph.

You two gonna go to your book club?

Hmm. Actually, we got kicked out.

Steph drank too many mojitos

and threw up on this girl Bethany's copy of The Lovely Bones.

So, we're gonna have our own mini book club here.

Okay. Super. Do me a favor, if she's looking queasy,

aim her away from the middle cushion, because we're out of flips on that one.

All right, I'm gonna go to Kenny's and watch a little B-ball.

Okay. Oh! Wait. That reminds me.

What's this?

Open it.

(SIGHS)

It's a beautiful vintage Dr. J watch from 1983.

Commemorating the Sixers' championship season.

When we first met, I remember you saying that you really wanted one of these.

You know, you had the Dr. J hair and...

Look, when his arms hit midnight, it looks like he's dunking. Isn't it great?

It's unquestionably magnificent, yeah. Yeah.

But we said no gifts.

Oh, no, no, no. It's not a gift. It's just a thing.

Well, it feels pretty gifty to me.

Look, I was downtown for lunch and I passed by this memorabilia store

and I saw it in the window, I went in and I bought it

'cause I knew that you would love it.

Remember the time that you bought me pepper spray at the car wash?

Same thing.

Okay, so, this is not a gift?

It's not a gift.

Not a gift? Not a gift.

This is definitely a gift.

But she says it wasn't.

And my wife said that long weekend in Denver with her boss

was a business trip.

(LAUGHS)

And now some dude named Wayne is using my NordicTrack.

I don't know, man. Something ain't right about this.

Smells funny.

Isn't it possible that she just got this out of the goodness of her heart?

No, she didn't.

They had a pact to take their anniversary off the table.

Where I come from, you break a pact, your brother loses a foot.

I just... I can't believe you convinced your wife to not celebrate your anniversary.

I didn't. It was her idea.

It was her idea? And you didn't realize it was a trap?

How could you fall for that, big man?

I don't know. It was late at night and my defenses were down.

It's the same way she got me to say yes to whole wheat pasta.

Have you tried that with soy-mato sauce?

Don't you see what's happening here?

She buys you a gift, you buy her nothing.

Now you're the bad guy who doesn't care about his anniversary.

You are way uptown without a cab to get home, man.

All right, so, now I gotta buy her a gift.

Even if you get a gift, it's gonna be obvious that

you're only getting a gift because she gave you a gift.

Okay, so, I shouldn't buy her a gift.

You gotta buy her a gift!

But you said I couldn't buy her a gift.

You gotta buy her a gift that makes her gift look like a piece of crap.

You know what's the best gift, Eddie?

Something that you make yourself.

Oh, how about you write her a song?

That's a good idea. Writing a song is a great idea. You know why?

There are a million things that rhyme with Joy.

Boy, toy, bok choy,

that kid from The Jetsons, Elroy.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, my God, I'm not even trying right now!

I'm not gonna write her a song.

How about a trip? Is there any place she's been dying to go?

Well, she always wanted to go snorkeling in Hawaii.

But I don't know how to swim, so that's out.

You don't know how to swim? Didn't you go to camp?

I thought that was a perk of being white.

That and hitchhiking.

I went to camp. I just had a bad experience.

And what happened?

I was the only kid there who didn't know how to swim,

so they put me in this big life vest.

Plus, I had to wear this dopey swim cap that my mom got me for

sending in five proofs of purchase for Orange Crush.

So, the counselor takes everybody out and he forgets about me.

Leaves me there in the lake, floating for hours.

He finally comes back to get me, and says that he's sorry,

but in that big orange vest and the white and orange swim cap

he thought I was a buoy.

That's it! I'm gonna teach you how to swim.

No, no, no. That's not gonna happen, Kenny.

Why not? I'm an incredible swimmer. I'm the Black Dolphin.

Eddie, I could help you. I swam in high school,

I'm certified for CPR, and I lifeguarded for two years in college.

(SCOFFS)

There's only two things missing off your little resume right there, Jeff.

That's "Black" and that's "Dolphin."

Listen, as much as I would like to spend time with both of you in your bathing suits,

I have to say that learning how to swim is just terrifying for me.

Let me tell you what's terrifying. The rest of your life.

If you don't even the score with Joy right now,

every time she does something nice for you,

it's gonna be a reminder of how inadequate you are

as a husband and a lover.

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

Did I go too far with lover?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

He was 72?

I know! Oh, God!

And the crazy part is I would have gotten an A in the class anyway.

(SIGHS) Come on, you've been here two hours, we should discuss the book.

(STEPH SLURPING)

(GROANING) Okay.

Okay.

I really enjoyed The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini.

I disagree.

I liked the kites,

but the running, not so much.

You didn't read the book, did you?

No.

Me, neither!

Seems funny, though.

Hey, Eddie. Hey, babe.

Do you have the time?

What?

The watch. Let me see the watch.

Oh. She told you about the watch, did she?

Oh, God, that's so awesome!

Is your wife something or what?

Oh, she is something all right.

All right, I'm gonna head home.

You think you can make it the 20 feet,

or should I have Eddie get a wheelbarrow?

(LAUGHING)

How was your evening with the boys?

Oh, it was very enlightening.

Sweetie, don't snack.

Come on, let me make something nice for you.

No, that's okay. I think you've done enough for me today.

You seem tense. Want me to rub your shoulders?

No, that's okay. They're doing fine.

What's wrong with you? You love when I do that.

Yeah, but I don't love it tonight, okay?

Eddie.

Oh, hey, this is for you.

What is this?

It's a special cleaning kit for your vintage watch. I bought it for you today.

I'm learning how to swim.

What? You heard me, Big Red,

I'm going to learn how to swim

and you will finally be able to go to Hawaii and go snorkeling, okay?

That's amazing.

What brought this on?

Love! Just a big, enormous love I have for you.

God, I know that this is a big deal for you.

I just... I can't thank you enough.

No, you can't. So don't even try.

But I want to...

I'm learning how to swim, darling.

For you. Okay? The end.

Goodnight. Aloha.

Ooh!

(LAUGHING)

Ah!

There she is, the canvas on which you will be painting your masterpiece.

Yeah, you know, I took the liberty of Googling "high school pools,"

and they're 60% urine, 20% hair, and 5% other.

And that's just not my kind of gumbo, Jackson,

so, I am out of here.

No, no, no, no. Look at me.

The Black Dolphin's gonna make sure everything's okay.

Now, let's get your high and shapely ass in that water.

Yeah, I'm looking.

Relax and close your eyes.

(EXHALES)

Ah! Visualize yourself being one with the water.

Water is your friend.

Friend.

Once you learn to trust it,

water will take the weight of the world off your shoulders.

And you will float free.

Free.

(EXCLAIMS)

Move your arms! Kick your legs! Kick!

I'm gonna kick your ass! Help me!

Just stand up.

What the hell did you do that for?

Do not question my methods.

The first thing we gotta do is to teach you how to save yourself

when you fall into water more than three feet deep.

That would be a useful skill, yes.

Okay. Now I need you to put your face in the water.

No.

You gotta put your face in the water to make bubbles.

No.

What, are you afraid of... Huh? You afraid of this? Huh?

No.

It's like rain, right? Are you afraid of rain?

No. Silly.

Of course, it's silly.

It's just sprinkles, right?

Why would you do that again?

Do not question my methods, okay?

Now we gotta get you to roll over and float. Come here.

What? Come on.

We gotta float. We've got to float. You gotta float. Come on now.

Put your arms out. Airplane.

Do an airplane. Hands out like an airplane.

Head back. Head back.

You're floating, see that? Where we going?

Put your head back. Head back!

Where we going?

(KENNY EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

That's it! That's it! I can't teach you!

You're gonna kill us both!

We will drown! To death!

You have stumped the Black Dolphin!

You're not the Black Dolphin!

You're a bad dolphin! Bad dolphin!

There you are. How was your lesson?

Hey, I'm gonna need to pull the trigger on this snorkeling thing

because they want us to fax back a signed waiver 'cause it's stingray season.

Stingray?

The flappy guys with the barbed tail? Oh, okay.

They take us on a catamaran, and they take us 10 miles offshore

and then we dive in and we swim under water into this cave

and inside there are thousands of exotic fish.

How awesome does that sound?

Totally awesome. I can't swim.

What? Yeah, I can't be near water.

Actually, I shouldn't even be drinking water.

From here on out, it should be just this

and the occasional breakfast beer.

What about our trip?

It's not gonna happen.

So I'm not gonna get to go to Hawaii?

No, you are not. But I have something that you are going to enjoy far more,

the fact that you are, and always will be, better than me.

What are you talking about?

Oh, come on, Joy. You know what I'm talking about.

We had a pact. And you broke it when you gave me this Dr. J watch.

Congratulations, you have now ruined anniversaries,

basketball and time-telling.

Did you dive headfirst into the shallow end?

Several times! But don't change the subject.

Eddie, I bought you that watch because I care about you

and I thought that you would like it.

But forgive me if it is more special or thoughtful

than anything that you've ever given me!

Mmm-hmm. And there it is! Right there!

See, you taking the anniversary off the table was just the first step

in your twisted little plan!

Maybe I did it because I thought it would somehow force you

to be romantic once in your life!

If you wanted me to be romantic why wouldn't you just tell me?

Because I shouldn't have to tell you.

It's no fun to ask someone to be romantic.

Well, what's happening right now is a barrel of laughs.

You know what? Maybe when I suggested that

we take the anniversary off the table,

I was trying to send you a signal,

hoping that you would say, "Absolutely not,"

and then sweep me off my feet.

A signal? What am I, Batman?

This is my fault.

I should've just let you take me to Mario's like we do every year.

Yeah, yeah, okay, you know what? Let's just do that, all right?

Okay, you know what? Let's do that.

Maybe one of us will get lucky and go home with Giancarlo.

Eddie, we're going to be late for our reservation.

I know, I left my wallet here. Just give me a minute.

(SIGHS) All right.

Happy anniversary, Mr. and Mrs. Stark.

May I show the beautiful lady to her table?

(LAUGHS)

Don't be alarmed. Your husband is about to break the world record

for freestyle loving.

(WHOOPING)

Whaa!

What's going on here, Eddie?

Just a little thing called romance.

You know, when I first got the idea of learning how to swim for you,

it was for all the wrong reasons.

And after we spoke, I realized that

I had to learn how to swim.

Because I want to take you to Hawaii.

And I want you to be happy,

and I wouldn't mind seeing you in a coconut bra.

So, this, my love, is for you.

Eddie?

Babe, you okay?

Babe? Eddie!

JOY: I'm coming to get you.

Don't help me! I'm doing this!

Come on, baby. Come on, you can do it.

You're doing it.

Come on. Swim!

I'm doing it.

(GASPING)

You did it!

Happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary.

My boy is gonna die in Hawaii.

♪ I've been to the ocean

♪ And I've been to a lake

♪ But I'm wild about that swimming pool

♪ 'Cause that's where we're going today

♪ Hey, we're going swimming

♪ Swimming in the swimming pool ♪