Original subtitles

(JINGLE PLAYING)

JEFF: 'Til Death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

All right, I'm going to Karl's to watch the Eagles game.

Okay, what time are you going to be home?

I don't know, late, I guess.

Well, what time?

Well, probably after you're asleep.

Okay, I'm going to need something

with an "o'clock" or a "30" at the end of it.

But why? I mean, if you're already asleep,

what difference does it make what time I come home?

Just give me a time so this conversation

doesn't end in a murder-suicide.

Okay, 11:30.

Have fun. Okay.

Oh, hey, on your way home, will you pick up some milk?

Milk, got it.

Uh, write it down so you won't forget.

Honey, I'm not going to forget.

Extra large head, extra large brain.

I may look weird in a visor, but I forget nada.

Give me one of those extra large hands, okay?

Huh? Why, what are you... Oh, come on, this...

(PATRONIZINGLY) "Milk."

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hey! Hey, how you doing, Karl?

Welcome to the pleasure dome.

Wow, Karl, this place is awesome, huh?

You've got drums, a jukebox here.

What, did your wife die?

Well, I hope not, 'cause she's in the kitchen

crushing mint for our mojitos.

Oh, my God! Karl, is that a...

Baby shark? You bet.

Come on, sit, sit.

His wife lets him have a baby shark in the living room?

Steph won't even let me do my watercolors

in the living room.

Stogies, gentlemen? JEFF: Hey!

Okay. All right.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Jesse, I want you to meet the guys.

Eddie, here, teaches American History

and Jeff is the vice-principal. Hey.

Ooh, I like that, you got "vice" right in the title.

It's kind of sexy.

She thinks I'm sexy.

(JESSE LAUGHS)

Oh, oh, okay, what do you got there?

You're not smoking one of my Cubans, are you?

(STAMMERING) Look at that.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Hey, babe, we're going to watch the game,

so if you could not play your drums?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, no problem, no problem.

I'll just take it out on you later, huh?

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(BOTH MOANING)

Have fun, guys.

So those are her drums? Yeah.

She also plays the bass and the electric flute.

She's a walking Jethro Tull.

JESSE: Hey, babe, there's boobies on HBO if you're interested!

You know I am, love.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, don't worry, we won't miss the game.

I've got picture-in-picture.

What the hell is going on here?

What do you mean?

Well, your wife, she's so easygoing, cool and happy.

Why?

Ah, okay, I see.

I was married once before. Jesse is my second wife.

So what difference does that make?

(LAUGHING) "What difference does that make?"

You're cute as a button.

Look, the first time you get married,

you don't know it's a trap.

They lure you in with, "I love the way you are,"

and then one day, bam! They club you like a baby seal

and they're wearing you to the opera.

The second time, I went in with my eyes open.

I had a whole list.

I told her, "This is what I want,

"this is what I don't want."

It's fantastic. It's marriage,

but it's not a pain in the ass.

Who else knows about this?

Anyone who's been through the marriage wringer, my friend.

I have a question. Yes, Jeffrey.

Um...

You said list.

You mean, actual list, like you wrote it down?

Yep.

What was on the list? That's a good one.

You name it. Separate phone lines

so we don't have to take messages from each other's friends.

Separate finances so we don't fight

over stupid stuff like money.

What about in-laws?

All dead!

I know what you guys are going through.

You're in the thick of classic first marriage.

I mean, I bet your wife makes you dress like that.

Oh, no, no, I actually picked this out myself.

Anyway...

You gotta clear everything with the wife,

where you're going, who you're going to be with,

how long you're going to be there.

Plus, they always make you stop for eggs on the way home.

Not eggs.

"Milk."

"Eggs."

You know, I just don't understand...

I don't want to talk for a while, okay?

I built a successful marriage, over 20 years,

does anybody give me a heads-up

about boobies on the TV?

No, no boobies for Eddie.

Please, please, I'm the one who got screwed here.

I'm a newlywed. I missed this whole list thing by that much.

Your life was ruined a long time ago.

Oh, let's face it, we're both in hell.

I mean, don't get me wrong. My marriage is a blessing.

You guys, I am trying to sleep up there.

Well, maybe you can take it out on me later.

Who smells like cigars?

You know, that is very unhealthy.

(GRUNTS)

See that?

Jesse doesn't care about what's unhealthy,

all Jesse cares about is what's cool.

Damn it! Even her name is cool.

(SUAVELY) Jesse.

What did I marry?

(FLATLY) Stephanie.

Please, mine's named Joy, talk about a mislead.

What are you doing?

I'm making my second marriage list.

What?

I can't wait around for an actual second marriage.

Ever see how much water Joy drinks in a day?

She's going to live forever.

You know, Steph's grandmother, 103, still plays soccer.

Give me a damn napkin.

Wow, how did you guys hear about this place?

Actually, from Karl.

Yeah, Karl knows his restaurants. Damn straight.

I'll tell you another thing Karl knows, marriage.

Man should teach a class on marriage.

Ooh, this chicken dish sounds interesting.

I'm going to go with the rib eye.

Steak? Honey, no, you already have

way too much red meat in your diet.

(SIGHS)

What is that?

It's my, uh, napkin list.

What's a napkin list?

Well, when we were at Karl's the other night

he was telling us how before he got married

for the second time that he actually made up a list

of things he wanted in his marriage.

And, you know, instead of moving on to another wife,

because I think you're pretty great,

you know, with a couple of tweaks,

I thought I would make my list right now

so I could dance with the girl what brung me.

Are you insane?

Seriously, Eddie, that was horrible.

Yeah, do you think before you talk?

He has a napkin list, too, everybody. Yes.

STEPH: What? (STAMMERING) Well, this is an outrage.

Steph, come on. No, no, no, show...

No, you're going to show them the list Eddie, my jacket!

because we did it together. Hey, hey, come on, get off of the jacket.

Okay, here...

Great plan, Jeff. Nothing proves your innocence

like eating a napkin.

Did you really anticipate this going well,

presenting me with a list of demands?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Not demands, adjustments...

(CLEARS THROAT)

Our marriage is a blessing.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Okay, you're going to have to take him somewhere

and deal with that.

Come on, come on, come on. What's our goal here?

You want to make it go down or come up?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Okay, let's hear this list.

Okay. But before I read the list

I need you to promise me that you're going to listen

with an open mind.

That's better.

I would like to eat whatever I want

whenever I want.

I would like to wear a turtleneck

without you comparing me to

various 1970s television stars.

I want separate phone lines,

I don't want to have to tell you what time I'm coming home.

I want a baby shark...

Okay, I'm going to have to stop you there.

What is the big deal about me asking you

when you're coming home?

Well, why do you even have to ask?

Because we're married. That's what wives do.

Yeah, first wives.

Oh, my God.

Let me see the rest of this moron manifesto.

Joy, listen to me.

Do you want to be on Oprah?

What? We do the first/second marriage thing,

then we write the book. Bam!

Listen, baby, take this ride with me.

If it'll get you to stop flapping

those enormous gums of yours, I'm in.

(LAUGHS)

You know what, guys? Just order without us.

Jeff had an allergic reaction to the ink on the napkin

and his head blew up like a pumpkin.

He's waiting for me on the floor of the ladies' room.

I should get back. He's pretty scared.

Oh, look, they finally made you

an official member of the Mod Squad.

Ah, ah, ah. See, now, that sounds like

something my first wife used to say,

but my second wife would say...

"Neat shirt, take me now."

Now, that's good, but why not make it great?

I think it should sound something like...

I'm not saying it again.

Okay, well, as you know,

I don't have to tell you where I'm going,

per our aforementioned napkin agreement.

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh, no, no, no, honey, you have your own phone line.

This is Eddie's hotline, for my ears only.

Yello.

Hey, what's shaking, amigo?

I don't have to tell you this, but it's Karl.

Ah, turtleneck, ribbed. You'll be pleased.

Ciao.

All right, honey, now I'm not going to tell you

when I'm going to be home, so...

Look, I don't care where you're going

or what time you're going to be home.

Sweetheart, let me sum this up for you.

You saw a baby shark,

you got your panties all in a twist over it.

Just go do what you've got to do, okay?

Oh, believe me, lady. What I got to do is getting done.

Your fly's open.

It's the way I want it.

It's my choice, my life, my fly.

That dinner was fantastic. I am stuffed.

Twenty-seven slider burgers in 25 minutes,

you set a new Burger Bonanza record.

They're putting my picture on the wall,

right next to John Goodman.

All right, the night is young, we just had dinner.

What's next?

Anybody. Come on, who's got ideas?

There are no bad ideas.

Mini golf.

Bad idea.

Karl, hit me.

There's a tranny bar up yonder that makes a mean appletini.

Or a movie.

Yes, movie, all right.

Jeffy, hit me with some movie times.

Uh, all righty, well, we've got a 7:40, missed that,

8:10, missed that,

and I got to be home by 9:00 so this is not going to work.

9:00?

Yeah, Steph's still pretty upset

about that whole napkin thing,

and I got to show her all the receipts

of where I've been, so...

Well, there goes the tranny bar.

All right, we got rid of the dead weight.

(CHUCKLES)

What's next?

Well, it's a school night,

and I've got a hundred French papers to grade

from a hundred kids who can't speak a lick of French,

so maybe we should call it a night.

How's this for French? No way, Jose.

I made a big deal to Joy about

how I'm staying out late tonight.

You and I, we're going to watch the sunrise together.

Um, no we're not.

We're going to get crazy!

Crazy, how?

I don't know, we're second-marriage guys.

I'm sure there's a way for us to get crazy.

Hey, let's take our seat belts off, huh?

(SEAT BELT REMINDER BEEPING)

(CLEARING THROAT)

You, uh... You got that dinging.

I know it's dinging.

I like the dinging.

It's crazy.

Man, this night is finally kicking into gear.

We're hitting our stride, huh, Karl?

Karl, wake up.

Oh, no. Are we still circling the mall?

And you're eating again.

I've got a ton of energy.

Hey, let's go swim in a quarry.

Geez, you're flying, man.

What the hell you got in that cup?

I combined three different energy drinks,

plus, a splash of cranberry juice.

Cranberry juice, what's that about?

I got a touch of the ouchies when I urinate.

For God's sake, sit still!

I'm not moving.

Okay, we got to find a 7-Eleven.

I've gotta refill this bitch.

Eddie, slow down. You're pushing this too hard.

I mean, look at you. You're stuffed full of cheese steak,

you're all hopped up on experimental sodas.

Throttle down, big man. Time to go home.

I can't go home.

I told Joy that the night was mine, damn it,

that I'm going to own the night, damn it,

you're with me or you're not, damn it!

Damn it!

All right, you're still alive.

You're still here.

You're still rumbling through the suburbs.

(DOWN UNDER PLAYING ON RADIO)

♪ Do you come from a land down under?

♪ Where women glow and men plunder

♪ Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder?

♪ You better run, you better take cover ♪

(MIMICKING FLUTE SOUND)

Can I help you find something?

Yeah, I'm looking at your energy drinks

and I don't see any Chronic Lava with extra ginkgo biloba.

I don't think we carry that one.

Ah, too bad, too bad.

So, "Lee," huh?

I'm looking for a wing man.

What time you get off tonight?

I'm off at 11:00,

but I have a rageaholics meeting at 11:30.

It's not much time, but it does give us

a half-hour to get drunk in the parking lot.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. Okay, Lee, I'm going to walk that way

and I don't want you to follow me.

Ah, milk, remember me?

Excuse me.

Wife sent you out for milk, too?

No, I'm getting it for myself.

I'm also getting this low-fat cottage cheese, which I love.

Want to go to a tranny bar?

RADIO ANNOUNCER: It's a freezing Tuesday night in Philadelphia.

The time is 10:02.

10:02? What, is time moving backwards?

(ALL OUT OF LOVE PLAYING ON RADIO) ♪ ...I'll be gone

♪ I'm all out of love I'm so lost without you

♪ I know you were right Believing for so long

♪ I'm all out of love What am I without you

♪ I can't be too late To say that I was so wrong ♪

It's crazy.

(EXHALES)

(ENGINE STALLING)

(PHONE RINGING)

OPERATOR: City and listing.

In Cheltenham, for a Joy Stark.

(OPERATOR TYPING)

Sorry, sir, that number is not listed.

What are you talking about? That's my wife.

I'm sorry, it's at the customer's request.

Are you telling me that my own wife

doesn't want me to have her phone number?

I don't know, sir.

What's going on? What's happening?

Oh, what's happening is after consuming

six trays of miniature burgers

and several liters of energy beverages

as well as spoonfuls of pineapple cottage cheese

that I later discovered was severely expired,

I fell asleep in our car.

And I haven't looked, but I'm pretty sure

that my toes broke off

and are rolling around in my shoes like dice.

Anyway, I realized something,

that I'm not cut out for this second marriage stuff.

I was a fool to think that I could improve on what we had.

(EXHALES)

You okay?

Sorry, I thought I was gonna throw up again.

Anyway, I figured out, left to my own devices,

I would be dead within days.

So, please, Joy,

I want our first marriage back.

I remembered to get your milk.

This is eggnog.

I'll be right back.