Original subtitles

(JINGLE PLAYING)

STEPH: 'Til Death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

MAN ON SCREEN: We, the jury, find the defendant

guilty as charged.

(GAVEL BANGING)

WOMAN ON SCREEN: He didn't do it! Please don't take my husband from me.

(SLURPING)

MAN: I just wanna hug my son one last time.

Do you have any more soda in there?

BOY ON SCREEN: Where are they taking Daddy?

What is this, diet?

JUDGE: Order in the court!

Bailiff, remove the prisoner from the courtroom.

I know that judge's voice from somewhere.

Like a commercial or something.

(SHUSHING)

WOMAN: I'll wait for you.

This is killing me. I know him.

The guy from the phone commercial.

"Are you satisfied with your long distance carrier?"

And now he's doing this, huh? Good for him.

(CRYING)

MAN: Tell my son his daddy was a good man.

(CRYING)

(CLEARING THROAT)

(HAWKING)

BOY: Daddy, Daddy, don't go.

Hey, I gotta tell you,

ever since my chiropractor told me not to sit on my wallet,

I have no numbness in my keister.

All right, let's hit it.

Hey, Joy, can you just tell me what I did wrong?

I don't know, Eddie. Why don't you tell me what you did wrong?

Is it because I was checking out the cleavage on the ticket girl?

Because it wasn't my fault.

She was just exploding out of that red blazer.

You checked out the ticket girl?

See, this is why I don't like guessing.

Okay, you know what, fine, I will tell you.

I was trying to enjoy that movie, but I couldn't

because at every emotional moment, all I could hear was,

(IN DEEP VOICE) "Joy, Joy. Joy, Joy.

"Isn't that the guy from the English muffin commercial?"

Tell you something, you were enjoying yourself just fine.

(IMITATING JOY CRYING)

I mean, what the hell is that?

I wasn't the only one crying, you know?

There wasn't a dry eye in that theater

except for the two in your gigantic head.

Oh, please, let me tell you something. Crying is a scam.

It's a bogus emotion created by the tissue industry,

so they can make a quick buck and you're falling for it hook, line and sinker.

That woman was ripped from her husband while holding her baby.

Did that not affect you at all?

No, because it wasn't really happening!

It's make believe!

Whatever. At least I'm capable of feeling emotion.

I feel emotion. Just not about stupid movies.

This isn't just about the movie. This is about important stuff, too.

You would rather make a joke or a snarky comment

than give in to a moment of honest feeling.

I'm beginning to think you have a real problem with this, buddy.

I do not have a problem.

All right, you know what? I have been thinking about this for a while now.

You know my friend Roberta, down the street?

You know I don't.

She and her husband went to this weekend retreat...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm gonna stop you right there.

No, Eddie, hear me out on this.

It's called the Living, Loving, Sharing Workshop.

Okay, look. If I cry right now can we end this?

Let's go, just knee me in the groin.

Eddie, we can do this together.

You can get a little more in touch with yourself.

We can work on our relationship.

I'm happy with our relationship the way it is, Joy.

I like our relationship, too,

but don't you want to make our marriage better?

Just seems like a lot of work.

Don't you think that we've earned the right

to take our foot off the accelerator

and just coast to the end of this thing?

So, because I didn't cry at this stupid movie, she's all pissed at me.

Really? What was it about?

I don't know, it's about this guy,

he marries his high school sweetheart,

and then he ends up getting thrown in jail for life

for a crime he didn't even commit.

So, now you have this innocent man who's being dragged away from his wife

and then he realizes he won't be able to see his little boy grow up.

I'm sorry, are you crying at the recap of the movie I saw?

You know, just 'cause I'm a little emotional right now,

it doesn't mean I'm not a man.

It kind of does.

You know what, I am very confident in my masculinity.

Oh, great. Yeah, you and your braided belt

are really kicking the world's ass.

Can you believe this guy?

I've been known to shed a tear or two.

Really?

What, you think I'm a robot? I got no feelings?

No. It's just that I don't cry.

What are you, a robot? You got no feelings?

Oh, all right, you know, this is ridiculous.

I'm gonna put an end to it. Hey, Big Sammy, get your fat ass over here.

What's the problem, Eddie?

Well, I'm trying to get a man's opinion at this restaurant

and I couldn't find one at my table.

So, I thought maybe you could set the record straight

and let these guys know that real men like us don't cry.

I'm a woman.

Really?

It says "Samantha" right here on my nametag.

Oh. Wow. I'll be damned.

(LAUGHS)

I'm just thinking of all those times I always asked you how they're hanging.

I thought you were talking about my breasts.

It's a woman!

Hey. Hey, hon, how was work?

It was great. How was

waiting for me to come home from work?

Pretty rough.

I napped all day, and yet I'm still tired.

Isn't it weird when that happens?

So, how's the outside world?

What are people who got dressed today talking about?

Well, at lunch today, Eddie was talking about how he doesn't cry.

Not Mr. Emotional, that one.

Guess that's not something you gotta worry about, huh?

No, I sure don't.

That sounded like you got some sort of problem with me crying.

Hey, hey, do you have some sort of problem with me crying?

Here's the thing, sweetie.

When a woman sees her man getting emotional,

she wants to be like, "Oh, my God, I can't believe my husband is crying."

Not, "Oh, my God, I can't believe my husband is crying

"again."

Steph, if you really felt this way, why didn't you say something sooner?

Honestly?

I thought I would make you cry.

Joy, did you know that Big Sammy at the cheese steak place was...

A woman? Yeah.

Huh? I am late to this party.

So, what you doing there, my lady?

Sit. Shut.

I have put together a little film festival

featuring important moments from our life,

that will confirm the fact that you are,

and always have been, an emotionless jackass.

Exhibit A, our wedding.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Okay, here we go.

(SENTIMENTAL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Damn, I look hot.

I do, too. I'm delicious.

JOY ON TAPE: (CRYING) The vows I make to you now, I started a long time ago.

(SOBBING)

Today, I just promise to keep them forever.

EDDIE ON TAPE: Whoa, someone hit the open bar a little early.

What?

Can't you see that I am bawling up there?

And you're feeling nothing.

Well, excuse me for not crying at our wedding.

It's just that the true sadness of that day

didn't hit me until right now.

Okay. And now, another Eddie Stark classic.

DOCTOR ON TAPE: It's a girl.

JOY ON TAPE: (CRYING) She's so beautiful.

(ALLISON CRYING)

JOY: I love her so much.

DOCTOR: Mr. Stark, would you like to cut the umbilical cord?

EDDIE: Hey, don't mind if I do, Doc.

Now, when I do this, she's not gonna deflate

and fly around the room like a balloon, is she?

(EDDIE IMITATES AIR ESCAPING FROM A BALLOON)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey. Hey, Kenny.

What are you guys watching? Aliens?

No, that would be the birth of our daughter.

Ready to roll, big man?

Where are we going?

Today's Saturday, you take me for ice cream.

Oh, yeah. You know, I'm sorry, Kenny,

I'm just not in the mood today.

Not in the mood for ice cream?

What's wrong, sad clown?

We've just unequivocally proven that

I have no feelings whatsoever.

No, you feel very deeply. You just keep it all bottled up inside.

You just need to peel off that tough hairy pelt,

and get to the fragile little boy that's inside of you.

Come on, big man, let me peel off that pelt.

We're gonna leave the pelt.

What, you think I can't do it?

I'll make you cry.

I'll make you cry right now.

I came this close to getting Montel's job.

Come on, big man, we gotta get you somewhere sad,

a sad place, a sad memory.

Your parents still alive?

Sadly, yes.

Anybody close to you die in an untimely fashion?

Well, I did have a second cousin who died.

Good. That's terrible. What happened?

He choked on a rib eye.

And how does that make you feel?

Well, it makes me feel like carefully eating a rib eye.

How about childhood?

Did kids make fun of you? Any hurtful nicknames?

Well, I was teased quite a bit.

About your moles?

No. Your uneven eyebrows?

What? No.

The way your bottom teeth are a lot bigger than your top teeth?

I was tall. I was freakishly tall.

Mmm-hmm. And what did the kids call you?

Buttface.

Buttface?

And what does that have to do with being tall?

I brought that to their attention, but they didn't seem to care.

They were pretty locked in on Buttface.

Okay, okay, we're getting somewhere now, okay.

Now I want you to take me back

to the first time that they called you

little tooth Buttface.

It was just Buttface.

I'm sorry, go ahead, go ahead.

All right, I was on the playground,

and the other kids were on the swings,

and I was kind of sitting alone.

You were all alone?

Yeah.

I wasn't allowed on the swings, the teacher said that my dragging feet

carved dangerous trenches that imperiled the safety of the,

and I'm quoting, "Normal children."

That's messed up.

So then what happened?

I was feeling kind of bad,

and this girl, Charlotte Skrovan, came over to me.

Kind of had a little crush on her, I thought she was going to ask me to play,

but instead she called me Buttface.

Then she pointed out that one of my nuggets was hanging out of my shorts.

Oh, snap!

From that day on, nothing was the same.

Are you feeling it now, big man? Huh?

Is it coming out of you now?

Is it boiling up inside of you and coming out?

Is it coming out of you now?

Sorry, Montel, I got nothing.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Babe, I want to thank you for coming up here this weekend.

I think it's going to be great for you, and it's going to be great for us.

Yeah, yeah, sure. I'm just a little uncertain

as to why I'm wearing a linen sundress.

Intimacy.

Let's break that word down, shall we?

Into me I see.

This workshop is about becoming more intimate with yourself, your emotions,

so that you can then become intimate with others.

Hi. I am Dr. Connie Friedman,

and this is my partner and lover, Beatrice Feldman-Friedman.

I see that some of you are surprised

that I have taken a lover 20 years my senior.

But age is no obstacle when true intimacy is achieved.

It's all here in my book, Intimacy Achieved,

and it's companion piece, Intimacy Achieved: The Workbook.

On sale today, $20 for the book,

18 for the workbook. And, one time only,

38 bucks for the whole shebang.

And now, let us all get connected with our inner shocktabashkas.

In order to learn how to express our innermost feelings,

I'm going to ask you to attempt to communicate

without the crutch of language.

We swear by this technique, Beatrice and I.

We don't use words on Sunday.

(IMITATES CAT PURRING)

And now, I want you to have an exchange with your partner

using only primal sounds.

Excuse me, how will we know what the conversation is about?

Indeed.

And begin.

(MAKING GUTTURAL NOISES)

(MAKING GUTTURAL NOISES)

In order to truly communicate as a couple,

you need to literally be able to complete each other's sentences.

I want you to take turns saying one word at a time,

together forming one sentence, one thought, one unified story

and connect.

I...

...steak...

What kind of sentence is that? "I steak"?

That's never going to be a sentence.

Okay, I'm sorry. Try again.

Okay.

I...

...sandwich...

Look, I'm sorry. They gave us

a glorified snack for lunch, I'm starving here.

He's just getting warmed up.

We are just about to hit our stride here.

Honey, why don't you start?

Okay. Okay.

Me...

Eddie, what sentence begins with "me"?

Me Tarzan, you Joy.

Ah?

Hey, Rich, Linda.

I wanted to tell you how moved I was

by your dance of unspoken secrets. Oh, it was great.

Hey, Beatrice. How you doing?

Okay.

Dr. Friedman, I just wanna tell you,

my husband and I are getting so much out of this.

We appreciate all you do, and we can't wait to just dive into...

You know what? I'm on a break.

I gotta tell you, my weirdo meter is at 11.

You've just got to relax, trust the process.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, I'm pretty sure that Beatrice is drugged and being held against her will.

And so, I guess I realized that I cannot cry.

I mean, I know I have feelings,

I just think that they're, you know, deep inside.

Are you proud of your husband for admitting that?

I am.

And do you realize this is entirely your fault?

I'm sorry, what?

You have clearly failed to create

a safe space for your spouse.

You are clearly able to cry in front of him

because he has created a safe space for you,

but you have not returned the favor.

I think it is time for you to have a seat

on the ball of culpability. Beatrice.

I'm not sitting on your damn sweaty ball.

I think now would be the perfect time for all the couples in the room

to reestablish intimacy

by sharing in a sustained, passionate, open-mouthed kiss.

Very wide, drop the jaw, and go.

Obviously, you two are not connected at all.

What happened? Why? Why are you both so broken?

Broken? I think we're doing just fine, Miss Shastabackas Zulu.

We don't have to suck face in public to prove anything to you people.

That's right, you want to see unhappy?

Why don't you just look into Beatrice's dead eyes?

My husband and I are plenty connected.

Plenty.

Plenty.

Watch this. Honey, please, if you would.

Come here.

(INAUDIBLE)

I...

...love...

...you...

...the...

...way...

...you...

...are.

This...

...is...

...a...

...load...

...of...

...crap.

Let's... ...get...

...the... ...hell...

...out... ...of...

...here... ...and...

...get...

...ham...

...mered...

...and...

...ham.

(CALCULATOR WHIRRING)

Beatrice.

I sold 20 books today,

but I'm only counting the money for 19.

Are you trying to buy a bus ticket again?

Good girl.

Pack the cushions in the van, we've gotta be in Jersey by dawn.