Original subtitles

(JINGLE PLAYING)

JOY: 'Til Death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Welcome to Starlight Theaters.

Please feel free to visit our wine bar

and here's our menu so you can peruse our dining options.

Hey, I'll order the food, you go save some seats for us.

No need to, my friend, our seats are reserved.

You're in 13, I'm in 15.

Who's in 14?

Nobody. That's our "we're not gay" buffer seat.

ANNOUNCER ON PA: Death Plus One starring Jet Li,

Forest Whitaker and Amanda Bynes, will be starting in five minutes.

All right, that's us. I'm gonna hit the can. Get us a large popcorn.

Okay.

(FLUSHING)

ANNOUNCER ON TV: Coming soon to Starlight Theaters...

CHILD 1: Grandma! We're here!

GRANDMA: Well, hello children!

CHILD 2: Tra, la, la, la...

BOTH: La, la, la, la, la.

CHILD 1: Let's go in the attic!

CHILD 2: But Grandma said never to go up there.

What? Are you chicken?

No.

Don't go up there, children. Listen to your nana.

(DOOR CREAKING)

CHILD 2: Look, I found my old dolly.

(CHILDREN SCREAMING)

ANNOUNCER: Grandma's Attic. Don't go up there.

This Christmas.

Visit our web site at Grandmasatticthemovie.com.

I'm Spider-Man.

I'm Spider-Man.

Well, I'm pretty sure that my pee just turned on a flat-screen TV.

I'll tell you, a world where my penis is a remote control

is a world that I want to live in.

So, where's the food?

Yeah, change of plans, man.

We're out of here. This place is racist.

What? What happened?

I'm in the front of the line, waiting to place my order

and the cashier skips right over me

to help some white guy on line behind me.

Really?

(SCOFFS) Looked right through me like I was a ghost.

But not a white ghost, she would've served a white ghost.

Let's get out of here, man.

No, no, no, no. There's no way.

I'm not gonna let them treat you like that.

Excuse me, we'd like to see a manager, please.

I'm the manager. Is there a problem?

Yes, there is a problem. There has been a racial incident.

You've got a problem with him,

you've got a problem with your staff and now, you've got a problem with me.

Tell him what happened, Kenny.

I'm first in line at the concession stand...

Customer number one!

There's a white guy standing in line behind me...

White as banjo music!

And that lady right there asked what I wanted.

And I said, "I am not sure."

He was not sure!

So I looked at the menu for a minute,

trying to figure out what I wanted to eat,

the cashier lady skips right over me

to help this white guy, sitting right there.

Well, I do apologize.

But seeing as how you actually weren't ready to order

and the gentleman behind you clearly has trouble standing up,

I'm just wondering if it was truly racism

or maybe, just perhaps, bad service.

You know what? I think you might be right.

It was bad service. 400 years of bad service!

We are never coming in here again, because this place is racist. Right, Eddie?

(HESITANTLY) We out this bitch.

Oh, good. You're home. Come on, let's go.

I am so excited about this new movie theater.

I was just on their web site and they have a wine bar.

They actually let you take it into the theater.

They encourage it.

I mean, I don't have to smuggle in my magic sippy cup anymore, Eddie!

This is my day. This is my day!

Yeah, about that.

We can't go there.

What? Ever.

What? Why?

Well, I was there with Kenny this afternoon

and there was a pretty ugly racial incident.

Oh, God. Did you call him Rerun again?

He calls me Jewish Bigfoot!

No, it wasn't between me and him.

What happened?

All right. Well, Kenny was in line to get us some food

and he wasn't sure what he wanted to order,

so the cashier skipped over him

and went to the white guy behind him.

It was unconscionable!

Okay, but he wasn't ready to order.

I've been to restaurants with Kenny. He does take a long time.

I gotta be honest, it doesn't sound racist to me.

I know!

It's clearly not racist! Not even a little bit!

I mean, he didn't know what he wanted,

the guy behind him was 1000 years old!

There were dozens of black people there being served

delicious paninis without incident!

It was like Dr. King's dream over there.

Okay, so what I'm hearing is Kenny thought it was something.

It wasn't.

And I think you just said they had paninis, so let's go.

No, no, no, you don't understand, Joy, I cannot go back there.

I don't understand why you can't go back.

You just admitted that it wasn't racist.

To you, not to him!

I stuck up for him pretty big over there, Joy.

I mean, I was calling over managers, I was dressing them down.

I think I even called someone a honky.

I can't believe this.

This movie theater is five minutes away. It's brand new!

I know, but look, honey, we can still go out.

We'll just go to the theater next to the karate studio.

No.

I can't go back to drinking purse wine.

I wanna be classy! Let me get drunk at the movies with dignity! Please!

No, listen. Come on, honey,

that other theater's not that bad.

The Board of Health blew up their hot dog machine.

Come on. You just gotta tell Kenny that this wasn't racist and end this.

Okay, Joy, look, maybe you have forgotten,

but under this freakishly dark but natural tan,

I'm actually white.

So I can't go over to my black friend's house,

and tell him what is and is not racist.

But it wasn't. But he's black.

But it... Black.

But...

But, but, but, but!

Listen, please. I can't do this.

If Kenny is a really good friend of yours, and I know that he is,

you can just be honest with him.

I mean, what are you gonna do?

You gonna tiptoe around him the rest of your life?

All right!

Okay...

You know what? You're right.

I'm just worried about being offensive.

Since when are you worried about being offensive?

Last week you said

I looked like Weird Al Yankovic from behind.

That man has beautiful hair and a tiny ass,

so learn how to take a compliment.

(AMERICAN IDOL THEME PLAYING ON TV)

Let me ask you guys a question, man.

How come, on Idol, when they kick a guy off,

they always make him sing one more song before they go?

(CHUCKLING) Where else in life does this happen?

You don't fire a kid from a fast food joint and tell him,

"Hey, Dave, I know I just fired you,

"I need you to get back in that kitchen, put on that apron

"and fry me one more burger before you go."

(ALL LAUGHING) What the hell?

And then they make this poor chump sing the same song

that got him kicked off in the first place.

They're like, "Yeah, that song you sang was so horrible and embarrassing,

"we never want to see you again.

"But before we kick your ass out,

"why don't you sing it one more time,

"while the rest of these people fake cry behind you?"

(ALL LAUGHING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(SHOUTS) Who is it?

Hey, how are you?

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were having a meeting.

I can, uh,

come back another time.

No, that's okay, Eddie. What brings you by?

Well, I...

Wait, this is Eddie? This is the dude.

What you did in that theater, man.

Very cool. It was?

Real cool.

Well, you all right.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I am all right.

Have a seat, man. Okay.

I'm gonna get you a beer. Oh, great, thank you.

Hey, Kenny. We should invite him to dinner tomorrow night.

How do you feel about chicken and waffles?

At the same restaurant?

On the same plate.

Shut up.

(GRUNTS)

This theater is disgusting.

Oh, stop complaining. You're gonna be drunk in a few minutes, anyway.

Hey!

Uh, there's a person here!

I can't believe you chickened out with Kenny.

I didn't chicken out. What happened in that theater was very, very wrong.

(SIGHS) But you know what? Quite frankly,

I don't expect a white girl like you to understand.

Yeah? What I do understand is you're a wuss.

And something is licking my ankle!

Listen, Joy, what happened was wrong.

All right, look, don't take my word for it.

Let's go to a man on the street.

Please don't, please don't, please.

Excuse me, sir.

Hi. I couldn't help noticing that you're black.

What?

No, no, no, no, I just was wondering

if you can answer a race-related question for me.

(EXHALES)

Oh, so because I'm black,

you think I speak for all black people?

No, don't get that way. I love you guys.

"You guys"?

I think we're done talking now.

Okay.

That went well.

I don't need him. I got tons of black friends.

You are unbelievable.

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, God, I spilled my wine.

Worst date I ever had.

That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle's personal ad.

Come on, it wasn't that bad.

Eddie, I sat on a syringe.

It wasn't a syringe, it was a rusty spring and it barely broke the skin.

Look, I'll tell you what, call your doctor, set up your tetanus shot

and I'll meet you upstairs for a little nookie-nookie.

Come here. What?

Come here. No nookie!

Okay, look, the place is awful. I know.

We gotta figure out a way to get to that new theater. But we can't be seen there.

I mean, we can't go back as Joy and Eddie Stark.

But

we could go as Vickie and Marcel Charboneaux.

I'll go grab my eye patch.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey, we just wanted to make sure you guys were okay.

Yeah, we heard the police raided that theater by my dojo.

Yeah, turns out it's not the box office making the money.

It's one pretty magical men's room stall.

It is such a shame you guys can't come to the new place.

It really is incredible. The bathrooms, fully automated.

I didn't have to touch anything except myself.

Maybe you could stick to that rule while you're in here.

I don't know why you don't just explain to Kenny how you feel.

Well, I tried talking to him,

but then I got over there and realized I'm not any good at talking.

I'm not a chick.

You know, sometimes it helps if you try role playing.

Why don't you practice on me and pretend I'm Kenny.

Kenny who? Kenny Rogers?

Because you couldn't be any whiter.

It's role playing, Eddie. It's gonna help you say what you want to say

in a friendly, non-confrontational environment.

All right, fine.

Great. Okay.

Hello, Eddie.

Hello, Kenny.

Was there maybe something you wanted to say to me?

Not really. Come on, Eddie!

All right, all right, fine. Look...

Kenny, I wanted to tell you that I'm not entirely sure

that what happened at the movie theater was racist.

Wow, I know how hard it was for you to say that

and I appreciate your honesty.

And I appreciate yours. This is going pretty well.

Now, let me ask you a question.

What makes you think, as a white man,

you have any idea what I go through as a black man?

What?

Have you ever been pulled over even though you're driving under the speed limit?

You ever been followed around a store,

'cause a security guard thinks you stole something?

You ever get weird looks when you walk into a restaurant

with your white wife? Huh?

That's right! Is this making you uncomfortable, huh?

Uh, it's making me pretty uncomfortable.

Okay, you guys should probably go.

Did you take the newspaper out of the john?

Because I was just stuck for the last 20 minutes

reading the back of your dental floss.

Just looking at all the movies I'll never be able to see.

So, listen, I'm gonna go to the chicken and waffles place

and meet up with Kenny and the other guys, all right?

(SIGHING) Okay. Have fun. Order fast.

I'd hate for them to skip over you

and take the black guy's order

and cause a big "racial incident."

Okay. All right. Very funny.

Oh, my God, that's it!

When I'm there, I'll take forever to order and then they'll skip over me

in the same way that they skipped over Kenny when he was at the movie theater

and then he'll realize, this happens everywhere.

Boom, problem solved!

Hmm. Good luck with that.

I'm telling you, Joy-Joy, this is gonna work.

You know what I want you to do?

I want you to slap on some makeup,

put on a bra and I am taking my lady to the movies tonight!

I'm wearing a bra.

Sorry.

Welcome to Mabel's Chicken and Waffles. May I take your order?

Chicken and waffles.

Chicken and waffles.

Welcome to Mabel's Chicken and Waffles. May I take your order?

Chicken and waffles.

Chicken and waffles.

Welcome to Mabel's Chicken and Waffles. May I take your order?

I do not know...

I do not know...

You know, this is probably gonna be a little frustrating on you,

because I just... It just... It's gonna be hard.

Yeah, it is.

It's just that I think we all need to roll up our sleeves

and just get down to the serious business of what to eat.

Gosh, it all looks delicious. It does.

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go out on a limb here

and take a shot at the giblets.

Giblet plate.

No, you know what? Cancel that.

Not gonna do the giblets.

Cancel giblet.

What can you tell me about the potato salad?

Well, we parboil red potatoes,

we dice them and toss them with tarragon, mayonnaise,

Dijon mustard and just a kiss of apple cider vinegar.

Nah.

This must be excruciating for you, huh?

No, you take as long as you need, baby.

Well, you're a...

You're a frustratingly patient person.

You really are. This must be driving you crazy, huh?

(CHUCKLES) Anybody? No?

Just take your time.

Okay, what the hell is going on here?

How could you put up with this?

Why aren't you skipping over me?

Because you were next, darling.

No. I know that I was next, dear,

but when someone takes this long to order,

you have the right to go to the person behind him!

What is going on, big man?

You getting a little freaky-deaky up in here?

No, all right, look... All right, Kenny,

I was trying to get skipped over,

so I could show you that what happened

at the movie theater the other day happens everywhere.

It was not a personal attack on you.

The hell it wasn't!

No, listen to me. It wasn't.

What happened to you was not racist!

And I hate saying that to you,

especially here.

Oh, so now the white guy is telling the black guy what is and isn't racist, huh?

What? No. I mean...

Look, I know it appears that way because I'm white

and you're black and I'm telling you what's racist, but...

But the fact remains, Kenny, that...

You take a long time to order.

Okay? And somebody just got sick and tired of having to wait for you.

So she skipped over you to the guy behind you, who just happened to be white.

You have no idea what black people go through, do you?

You know what? You're right. I don't.

But I know what it's like to stand behind you in line when you order.

And it may not be 400 years, but it surely seems like it.

You know what, man? I thought you were my friend, man.

I thought you had my back on all this.

(SCOFFS) Do you believe this guy?

You do take a long time to order, Kenny.

I've wanted to bring it up for years, man,

I just didn't know how to tell you.

We're hungry, too, Kenny!

Oh, I get it. I get it.

Uh-huh.

So, all you guys agree on this, huh?

Everybody agrees on this, huh?

Hmm? The black guys, the white guy,

the Asian guy sitting back there in the corner.

That's right, I see you back there.

Let me tell you something. This ends right now.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I will have chicken and...

(EXHALES)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Waffles.

Chicken and waffles.

Ah! It's good to be back.

Oh, that it is.

I'll grab the food.

Hi. I just...

I wanted to apologize for the other day.

I think that things got kind of blown out of proportion

and I hope you didn't get in trouble with your manager.

Don't worry about it.

You're very sweet and I sure hope you'll forgive me.

Of course. I don't have a problem with you.

My problem is with the coloreds.

Kenny, we're out of here! Let's go! Come on.