Original subtitles

(JINGLE PLAYING)

JOY: 'Til Death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

I need a four-letter word for baby horse.

But when I put in "pony," five down becomes "kung pu."

Well, perhaps that's because a baby horse is called a foal.

A pony is not a baby horse.

What the hell are you telling me here?

A foal grows into a horse and a pony grows

into a weird, old, little grandpa pony. Got it?

I'm calling the zoo.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Come in.

Hey, Eddie. Hello, Joy.

I wonder if you guys have a pair of binoculars we could borrow.

Yeah, top drawer, near the blender.

We're taking little David here down to the Jersey Shore.

He's actually never seen the ocean.

How are you, pal?

We signed up for the Big Brother Big Sister program.

We spend every Saturday together.

The thing is, we're really blessed.

Jeff's got a really good job, I'm really cute.

And this is just something we do to give back.

Was there Chardonnay in this juice glass?

I think I've just invented something.

All right. Well, have a great day.

Okay, take care now. Bye.

Are we terrible people?

Joy, we've talked about this before.

We're not the only people who subscribe to that channel.

That is not what I'm talking about.

Look at them. They're actually giving back.

They care about something.

We care about stuff.

Yeah? What do we care about?

Care...

No, I don't care about that.

How about volunteering? We've got lots of time on our hands.

Well, that's true. Maybe if we got out of our own little world

and actually did something for someone,

it might feel good. Yeah.

But what should we do?

Do...

I did it, Joy. I signed up to be a Big Brother.

Really?

Yep. And they already matched me up with a youngster.

Kenneth Westchester. Doesn't sound black.

I gotta be honest, I'm a little disappointed.

I mean, if he's white, I might as well be hanging out with my nephew.

So, what are you gonna do to give back?

Huh? Oh, nothing. I'm over it.

Joy, you gotta do something. I just made a one-year commitment here!

Yeah. Well, I was going to and then I started thinking,

"What could I do for other people?"

And then I found my bead kit!

Ninety minutes later, look who made a belly chain!

I will miss you in heaven.

MAN: (SHOUTING) Who is it?

Hi, I'm... I'm Eddie Stark.

I'm here to meet Kenny Westchester. Is he available?

I'm K. Chesty.

You're Kenneth Westchester, favorite hobby, ColecoVision,

favorite TV show, Webster?

That sounds like K. Chesty to me.

Oh! Well, there must be some kind of mix-up, Mr. Chesty.

I'm from the Big Brother program,

and they told me that you signed up to be a little brother,

but I can see that you have a mustache, so...

Hey, man, my mom did sign me up for the Big Brother program like 25 years ago,

but I never got one.

I guess your name was still bouncing around in the system,

and they matched us up because I like Webster too.

That is crazy! (CHUCKLING) Yeah.

I thought you might've been some guy my ex-wife sent over here to get my dog.

Oh, no!

She says I'm unfit to take care of my own damn dog.

Let me tell you something, if loving that dog with all my heart is wrong,

I don't want to be right.

I bet your dog is terrific.

How do you know my dog is terrific?

Wait a minute, you're here for my dog!

Beyonce, run, Beyonce, go! No.

No, listen, I'm not here for your dog at all.

You know what? It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate, Mr. Chesty.

Let me ask you, what's the safest way back to the highway?

Yeah, you probably want to go.

But I tell you one thing, man. I appreciate you coming over here, man.

You're 25 years too late, but at least you showed up.

You're a good man. Gimme some of that.

Come on, gimme that. Okay, okay.

Mmm.

This is funny, right? It is a little.

You get over here and you get a 38-year-old little brother.

(LAUGHING)

That is... That is funny.

And to think I was actually going to take you roller-skating.

I like roller-skating.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHUCKLING) What's wrong?

What's wrong is I wear size-16 skates,

and the largest they had was nine-and-a-half.

You gotta relax. Give me your hands. Let's play tugboat.

Easy. What's going on here?

You're too tense throughout your hips.

Open your love shack. Right down like this, open it up!

Yeah! Open that love shack up!

Don't look down. Look at me, look at me. Look me in the eyes.

I'm sorry, it's just, I'm a very poor athlete.

I always got made fun of as a kid.

No one could believe that I'm this tall and bad at basketball.

What? They couldn't believe I was this black and bad at basketball!

You shut up! You shut up!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Isn't that crazy?

That is crazy.

MAN ON PA: All right, fellows, grab that special lady.

We're gonna slow things down now with a couples' skate.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ There's only you in my mind ♪

Uh...

We should probably... Get back.

(BOTH MUMBLING)

Uh, also let me get a funnel cake,

three feet of licorice rope and a Jell-O.

And a beer.

$14.95.

What? You're my big brother.

Peel off some cabbage.

Whoo, yeah! Now you're starting to get it. That's what I'm talking about.

This is good. This is actually kind of fun.

Now you've gotta step it up now. Now, step it up now. Yeah.

Get into it, yeah, yeah. Get into it.

Yeah, come on, come on. I'm feeling better.

Now, you're feeling better, come on.

It's like I'm floating on air.

That's what I'm talking about.

Oh, my God, that giant old man totally fell.

I know you are not talking about my big brother right here.

'Cause if you are, I'm gonna take that bedazzled cell phone

and throw it through the windshield of your white Jetta.

That goes for you too, Shoshana.

Thanks, man. I appreciate that.

There's no shame in crawling over to the carpeted area.

All I know is, it's a teeny-tiny horse.

(CHUCKLING)

Ah!

Well, this is me.

Okay, well, I...

I guess I'll call the Big Brother people,

and let them know that you're a man.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. I was going to do that, but, you know,

if you want to be the one to do it, that's cool. You could do it.

Either way, we should, you know, clear this whole thing up.

'Cause today was certainly not magical.

Okay. Well, give my best to Bouncy.

Beyonce. Beyonce. Right.

All right. Okay.

Take care. You too.

Just say no to drugs.

You say no to drugs too.

One nice white man.

Stop it! Get off of me!

Stop it! Get off!

Joy, you gotta hear this. My little brother was actually...

(VACUUM CLEANER STOPS)

Do I not give you what you need?

He's got three speeds.

(SIGHING) Actually, I rented this thing

'cause I want to get cleaned up around here, because, guess what,

Thursday night we are hosting a jewelry party!

I invited the girls over to sell them some of my stuff.

So, here's what I need for you to do.

I need for you to clean out the garage for my staging area,

then put a nice, clean pair of slacks on,

bartend for the party, and basically just be there for me

because I'm a little bit nervous, okay? So, Thursday. Got it?

Thursday? Yeah.

(EXHALES) This hurts.

This one hurts, but I cannot make that.

Why not?

My little brother needs me.

What, you really can't be here?

I mean, I thought this Big Brother thing was only Saturdays?

Joy, it's gonna take more than just Saturdays to fix this kid.

He's broken, Joy. He's broke bad.

Well, what are you going to do with him?

We're going to tour a corn dog factory.

At night?

It's a twilight tour, Joy.

(STAMMERING) Okay? They take the kids and they show them the whole process.

All nine steps from naked wiener to crunchy wonder.

I need you here for my party.

Joy Joy. Honey, listen to me.

Now I know that your sparkly, homemade lady trinkets are important to you,

but I touched that boy today.

And he touched me.

Not in a weird "show me on the dollie" way.

Okay, do not look at me like that.

You're the one dating a vacuum cleaner.

(SHOUTING) Who is it?

Big bro!

Hey, man, how are you?

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

You know, I just wanted to tell you that I had a great time the other day,

and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to...

The answer is yes!

I was hoping you'd come back. I just didn't say anything.

Everybody needs a big brother, right?

Just because I'm a grown man doesn't mean I don't need a big brother.

What, Billy Baldwin doesn't need Alec Baldwin?

Of course he does.

You damn right he does.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Well, then, allow me to be your Alec Baldwin.

(LAUGHING)

I would like that very much.

Whoo! This is wonderful!

So what we gonna get into?

Well, I thought, maybe we would go check out the boat show at the convention center.

How about we get some potato skins and see some naked ladies?

It's your day.

(EXCLAIMS)

Hey, did you guys know that everything on this table is 20% off?

20% off of what?

Off the price Joy made up in her head?

All right, well, we've got to get going, Joy.

What? Why?

Because it just seems like you just invited us over here so you could sell us stuff.

No! No! I just thought it would be fun

to have, you know, some of the gang over to have some after-work drinks.

And then Steph practically begged me to bring out the necklaces.

So I just slapped some price tags on 'em

and whipped out my credit card machine.

This was really inappropriate.

You know what's inappropriate? How much hummus you ate tonight!

Hey! Hello, ladies.

Looking lovely, looking thinner, looking younger, huh?

Check your wife, dude. She's a mess.

So, awkward force- your-friends-to-buy- crappy-jewelry night?

Yeah, it was a total disaster.

I mean, I was doing something selfish and stupid

and you were out there really giving back.

Guess you're just a better person than I am.

Look, who's better, who's not better? The point is, I'm better.

How was the corn dog factory?

We'll know in about 30 minutes.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hello?

Hey, you must be Joy.

And you are?

I'm Kenny. Eddie's little brother.

This is little Kenny.

What?

This is little Kenny?

What?

He didn't tell you about me?

Oh, no. No, he did.

He just... He forgot to mention the fact that you are...

Drop-dead gorgeous?

No. Forty.

Yeah, we had a big mix-up in the system,

but I'll tell you one thing, we have been having a blast.

(KENNY LAUGHS)

Yeah, I bet you have been. Where did you go tonight, huh?

Where did he take you?

Actually, we went to a... Corn dog factory.

Corn dog... Corn dog factory?

What the hell are these?

"Uncle Bosom's Bosom Bucks."

Huh. Isn't that a strip club near the airport?

No!

It's by the bus station.

Sorry, man, you left those in my car on the floor.

I figured I'd bring them back to you,

but in retrospect, that might have been a poor decision.

Bravo, Eddie. You are a true hero.

And all this time, you have been giving me crap

about something that I actually enjoy doing,

while you were out using this guy and going to strip clubs.

Way to give back. Society is in your debt.

Okay, listen, Joy. Look, I know it looks bad.

This looks really bad right now.

And I know naked ladies might not be your cup of tea.

But I assure you, this man did help me.

Before I met this man, all I had was an ex-wife living in my ex-apartment,

driving my ex-car, spending half of my ex-money,

trying to take my beautiful Beyonce from me.

That's his dog.

But then this man,

this big Herman Munster looking man right here,

showed up at my doorway,

and showed me the first bit of happiness I've had in a long, long time.

So don't you tell me this is a bad man.

You know why? 'Cause this is a good man.

This is my brother.

This is my big brother right here.

You know what he is? This is my Alec Baldwin.

Give it up.

This is the moment they talk about in the brochure.

I wish I could roller skate everywhere I go.

That would be a beautiful world, little man.

I can't believe they only let you get two beers at a time.

What kind of ridiculous policy is that?

I hear you, little buddy.

I gotta ask Jeff something. Here, hold this for me.

Don't drink it. That's mine.

Jeff! Kenny!

Hey, man. Hi.

Let me ask you a question.

Uh-huh.

I got a friend. Single, in shape...

Would you date a black guy?

What? No.

What are you, racist?

(STAMMERING) No, no, no. I'm not racist.

(CLEARS THROAT) I'm straight.

Mmm-hmm.

Would you be straight if he was white?

I'm gonna take a lap and come back for that answer, okay?

No, no, no. You don't have to take a lap. I'm straight.

I'm married. I have a wife.

I suppose she's white, too.

(STAMMERING) No! I mean, yes.

What's happening?

Look, if you don't want to date him, just say it.

I did say it. I don't want to date this guy.

Mmm-hmm.

I'll set up a coffee.