Original subtitles

EDDIE: Hey! There he is. Large and in charge.

How does it feel?

What are you talking about?

What, you didn't hear? They gave Principal Middleton a forced leave of absence,

and you are now the new acting principal, my friend.

(STUTTERING) What? What happened?

I guess you left the sports banquet a little too early, huh?

Well, Middleton got into the Chablis

and before you know it, he did something pretty obscene

with the girls' soccer trophy.

What did he do?

Oh, don't worry about it, but when it comes back from evidence

you might want to give it a good scrub down.

Mr. Woodcock,

the Jell-O guy is out front and he needs your monthly order.

Okay. Okay, this just got very real.

Jell-O. Jell-O, Jell-O. Okay, it's, uh, 800 students,

one cup per student, five days in a week, minus weekends and holidays,

carry the one...

Eight million cups of Jell-O.

I think that's pretty wrong.

Tell the guy we'll take 12 crates of green.

Thanks. How'd you know that?

Well, back when I used to smoke,

I would take my breaks with Gladys the lunch lady.

Learned a lot about Jell-O, learned a lot about love.

But mostly Jell-O.

(JINGLE PLAYING)

JOY: 'Til Death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Morning.

(STUTTERING) Is there toast in my eye?

What? I bit down hard,

and a toast fragment actually flew into my eye.

Huh.

Could you do something, please?

Just try not to blink.

Okay, okay...

I...

Oh, God, I'm blinking. I can't stop blinking.

Because there's something... Just look inside there.

Come here. All right, you got it?

Ow! What the hell are you doing?

I'm trying to help you.

Well, you touched my eyeball!

You think that was fun for me?

Well, you don't poke someone in the eye, woman.

I think they teach you that in nursery school.

Wait, you got it out.

Thank you.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey, Eddie. What are you doing? Why aren't you dressed?

Well, for your information, I like to get dressed to Matt Lauer,

and he's not on yet.

My first act as principal was to institute the 7:00 a.m. staff meeting.

Didn't you get my e-mail, subject line, "Early Start, Early Smart"?

No, but I'm guessing with a screen name like Woodcock,

it's probably hard to get past those spam filters.

You're a joker, and I love it.

Look, I'll wait in the car while you get dressed, all right?

All right, but let me finish my toast.

All right.

Hmm.

Does anyone know what we're doing here at the crack of dawn?

'Cause I am still drunk.

Maybe it's one of those sexual harassment seminars.

Oh, please. You know what we call sexual harassment in the French department?

Flirting.

That is a swingin' pantsuit.

Hey! Okay, hey!

Good morning, gang! Welcome to the first of many, many

"Early Start, Early Smart" meetings. Okay?

All right, now first of all, don't think of this as my meeting.

Think of this as ours.

If anyone has any ideas...

Hey, I have an idea. Why don't we all go home?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Okay, all right, I know it's early, and we're all a little grumpy.

Now, I did bring a box of donuts...

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

All right, those...

How do you not buy a fritter?

Those were actually for after the meeting, but...

Hey, you know what? You can eat them now. That's cool.

It's all good.

JEFF: Okay, how about everybody... Teacher mandate?

Hey, everybody can grab a donut, then come on back here.

EDDIE: All right. MAN: I had a little...

Or stay there! Either way, you know.

All right...

(EDDIE MUTTERING)

Okay, so the first thing that I wanted to talk about

was to make our school a little more environmentally friendly.

Now, I'd hate for Winston Churchill High

to become Winston Landfill High!

That was a play on words. It's clever.

No, it isn't. A clever play on words would be like...

If I called Todd, scrod, 'cause he looks like a fish.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I love you, Eddie.

Right back at you, fish face.

The point is that we could all make a little more effort.

For instance, instead of using Styrofoam cups for coffee,

we could all bring in mugs.

You know, I swear to God, there is pudding in here. This is unbelievable.

What? Let me get a finger in.

(HESITATING)

I would rather you don't.

I've got jelly.

All right, finger it.

JEFF: Guys?

So, by bringing in mugs, we can help to save the planet,

but also show a glimpse into our personalities.

For instance, my mug says, "I'd rather be sailing." Huh?

It was given to me by my brother, who owns a boat

because he makes a lot more money than I do.

And my mug says,

"I'm Styrofoam, and you can throw me out instead of washing me."

(ALL LAUGHING)

It's a talking mug, everybody.

All right, guys, we're only on point one here of a 10-point agenda. So...

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Okay. Well, that's that.

Well, all right, great first day, guys. This was really good.

Hey, who drew a picture of me?

I'd never do that with a cat!

Hey. What a day!

Why does our couch look like my grandma's panties?

I got a new slipcover.

I thought this room was feeling a little too masculine.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's, uh, a real sports bar in here.

Baby, I just think couch color is a big decision, you know?

Something we should talk about.

Okay, let's talk. I don't like it.

Well, I already bought it, so too late. Good talk.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey, guys!

All right, if we're gonna go see a movie tonight, we gotta pick one right now.

I'm in the mood to see something get blown up!

(EXCLAIMS)

God, I love you!

You know, I've actually been dying to see The Butler's Timepiece.

Uh-huh.

Did you pick out this couch?

(LAUGHS) JEFF: Guys, I...

Actually, I heard it's great. It's about this family of English butlers

that passes a pocket watch on from generation to generation,

and you see how the watch plays a part in each of their lives.

Let me guess. Everyone knows what time it is.

(LAUGHING)

Yes. It's just that I'm a person, so...

All right, here. Look, right here. Blood Money.

(MUMBLES) STEPH: Sounds great.

Oh, love blood, love money! Let's go!

All right, it's agreed.

Good. Go and do what you want.

(BRITISH ACCENT) But wait! How will the butlers know what time it is?

(BRITISH ACCENT) Oh, cheerio, cheerio! Pip-pip and all that!

JOY: (BRITISH ACCENT) Take the trolley.

(SCREAMS)

Jeff has been having some anger issues lately.

Oh. Have you talked to anyone about this?

That's why we're here.

We're talking to you about this.

You are the school psychologist.

(LAUGHS)

And the girl's softball coach.

Go Lady Panthers.

(GROWLS)

So, can you help us?

You know, the thing is I usually work with just the students.

Except, of course, when Mr. Hernandez from maintenance came in

and told me he sometimes dreams about other men.

I probably shouldn't have said that.

Okay, uh, well, um...

I don't really understand why I'm here.

You see, I wanted to go see a certain movie,

and nobody would listen to me.

I ripped off my shirt. All of a sudden, I'm the weirdo.

The thing about Jeff is he tends to bottle things up.

That's because nobody listens to me. So...

Honey, I heard you about the movie.

It's just it was two-and-a-half hours about a stopwatch.

It's a pocket watch!

Here comes the shirt. Look at the shirt. Watch what he does.

Hey, I'm not going to rip my shirt, all right?

This isn't really about me.

Jeff's principal now, and he's got a lot of responsibility,

and people aren't taking him seriously.

Oh.

STEPH: Any advice?

Oh, you know, I'm not sure.

I usually tell the students it's ADD, and then they graduate.

Oh! You know, wait.

I remember reading about something like this in a book once.

(WHISPERING) Wow.

(EXCLAIMING) I found it.

Um...

"For patients who tend to repress anger..."

(WHISPERING) That means you.

"...advise them that they might avoid uncontrollable outbursts

"by identifying the root cause of the stress,

"and address said cause in the moment in a calm yet assertive fashion."

You know what? That's a great idea.

And I'm going to start right now.

You're terrible at your job.

You're pissing me off.

Would you like some condoms or a pamphlet for the Army?

Good morning, gang.

Those are for after the meeting.

(ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)

I said after!

Okay, well, let's get this thing started.

First of all, I pitched our school-wide environmental plan

to the Superintendent this morning in a special presentation

that I like to call, "It Is Easy Being Green."

And it turns out that with the $5,000 that we'll save by eliminating plastic sporks,

we will actually be able to help revive the school orchestra.

(CLAPPING)

Oh, please, please. Thank you, though. We're very busy.

Uh, Eddie, um, Mrs. Riola has another cat emergency,

so I'm gonna need you to cover sixth period.

But that's my snack-and-nap time.

Well, I'm sorry, Eddie, but today, it is all about team.

Oh, I see. So somebody drops by the boys' suit section at Mervyns,

and he thinks he's Elvis.

(IMPERSONATES ELVIS)

(LAUGHING)

(CONTINUES IMPERSONATING ELVIS)

Nothing?

I actually think he looks pretty great.

Me, too. He's delicious.

I want that tie.

This tie? Oh, come on.

This thing is rolling down the ugly-tie highway.

(HONKING)

Please don't touch me, Eddie.

Oh. You mean, like this?

(MAKING A NOISE)

Okay, now I'm going to issue you an official warning

that if you touch me again, there will be serious consequences.

Even if it's like this?

(MAKING A NOISE)

Now you're suspended.

Suspended?

(CHUCKLES)

Can you do that?

I just did, bitch.

JOY: He did what?

He suspended me, Joy. And he also called me a bitch.

Oh, my God!

So you're gonna be here, like, all day tomorrow?

All I did was poke him. I can't believe he got...

Wait, wait, wait. You poked him?

Yes. And apparently, he can suspend me for that.

It's the most stupid rule I ever heard.

Eddie, you're a huge man.

That rule was made for people like you.

Remember that time that we went backstage at the Neil Diamond concert,

and you hugged him so hard you made him cry?

That was not because of me.

He had a half-empty amphitheater, and was very upset.

You know what? I know what this is about.

You don't like that little Jeffy is your boss now.

You know what he brings for lunch every day?

Chicken soup with stars.

With stars, Joy! He's not even man enough to eat a noodle!

I can't take orders from a guy like that.

You know, I don't know why you're having such a hard time with this.

You have no trouble taking orders from me.

Well, that's 'cause you have lady parts.

Listen, honey, I know that this is gonna be hard for you,

but I think that you just have to accept that Jeff is in charge now,

and maybe, just maybe, you just crossed the line.

And, that way, you show that you're the bigger man.

Okay, maybe you're right.

Maybe I could be a little more mature

and not let him get to me so much.

'Cause you're the big man.

I'm the big man.

Knocky, knocky!

I'm going to kill him!

(EXCLAIMING)

Jeff, what can we do for you?

Uh, I actually just have a little paperwork issue for your hubby.

Technically, you're not suspended

till I get your old John Hancock on this form here.

(EXCLAIMING)

Forgot to check the box that says, "Without pay."

Here you go.

You know what, Eddie? I'll just scan your signature

from when you signed up for softball. All righty.

EDDIE: You know what... Stay.

Okay, what is this? You trying to get yourself killed?

No! I'm just working on myself.

I'm learning to deal with my anger in the moment,

in a healthy way.

Oh, speaking of which,

I'd appreciate it if you never use my garden hose ever again,

because I know that you do, and I'll be watching.

Okay?

Eddie is having some anger issues.

He wants to kill his boss with a shovel.

Oh. Have you talked to anyone about this?

Yeah. We're talking to you about this.

You're the school psychologist.

Oh, right.

(GIGGLING)

I just... I've got my head in so many places.

Coaching the girls' softball team is so draining.

I just wish the girls cared about it as much as I do.

I mean, I know it's supposed to be fun,

but, I mean, isn't it more fun when you win?

It sure is.

Yeah, anyway, I was wondering

if you could give Eddie some advice about working with someone he can't stand.

I talk and I talk until I'm blue in the face. They just...

They don't listen.

You don't win a game on game day.

You win in practice, the week before.

But, you know, they have homework and boyfriends

and girlfriends who look like boyfriends.

It's... And I'm pretty sure that our catcher is pregnant.

Oh, I probably shouldn't have said that.

Okay, this is brutal.

We don't leave right now, I kill everyone with a shovel.

And then myself.

Wow, you do seem angry.

I have some literature on the pitfalls of violent video games.

Um, and there's actually one where you get points when you kill hookers.

It's kind of great.

Okay, that's it. We're leaving.

Um, remember, the safest sex is abstinence.

We've got that covered.

I am so glad that we could talk like this.

I mean, I feel that, as women,

we can probably work this out.

Yeah, I hear you.

I mean, I'm not saying that Eddie's not at fault.

But when people challenge him, even when he's wrong,

sometimes he refuses to back down.

It's probably Jeff's fault, too.

Yeah.

He's just learning to assert himself. Sometimes he goes overboard.

Yeah.

And Eddie barely touched him.

Yeah.

But it was inappropriate touching.

Yeah, but shouldn't the punishment fit the crime?

Yeah.

But Eddie should respect the fact that Jeff is the principal.

Yeah, but you know, Jeff's not really the principal.

I mean, he's the acting principal,

so maybe if Jeff acted more like a principal,

Eddie would respect him.

Yeah, well, maybe if Eddie acted a little less like a douche

he wouldn't get into so much trouble.

Did you call my husband a douche?

(SIGHS)

Sorry, I may have overstated it.

I just prefer a man with a little more class.

Yeah, well, I prefer a man who's completed puberty.

And I prefer a man who has completed evolution.

And I prefer a...

Bite me!

So, did the women figure it out?

All right, so the talk went pretty well, then.

Honey, door.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Honey, phone.